BFM #169 - The Mob gets f*cked by Mom

Posted on May 24, 2007

Most of you already know the ending to the story and I won’t waste any more time or space describing this hole in the wall or its rude, ugly staff. So let’s just say I walked into a bar…
 
The evening of the 169th Sextacular Hash held much promise. Everyone was anxiously awaiting Stan’s return from Mexico. Little Fucking Winkie was going to have to run in a dress — the overwhelming choice in the BFM poll: “What should Winkie’s punishment be for leaving his sneakers last week?”  The trail was going to be part sexshop scavenger hunt, part hash. Our co-hares, Nice Nuggets … Fat Ass, now less one internal organ, and RA Sloppy Ho were mapping out the route, while I tried to spy over their shoulders.
 
Lots of people came tonight… alone…in pairs… in groups…in no particular order: Hold the Sausage, Loosehead, Barry Maniblow, Nice Nuggets…Fat Ass, Bumble Beaver, Nappy Headed Ho, Son of Goatfucker, 2 Clump Chump, Rear Engineer, Scooby Snatch, Lunar Digit, I’m Cumming, Attilla the Hung, Fruit of the Clue, Holy Fuck, The Rash, Just Bill, Dry Hump, Little Fucking Winkie, Jingle Ballzzz, Mayor Quimby, Just Kate, Allturd Boy, Just Kyle, Snuffle Up a Muff, Cause for Blindness, Cousin It, Well Hung Jury, Sloppy Ho, Over Easy, Just Alice, Just Meg, Skin Fiddle, E=My Cock Squared, Strap On, Just Pat, Likes the Hard One, Popeye’s Bitch, Skin Fiddle. I’m sure I forgot someone.
 
Everyone was handed a flavored condom before we went outside for the chalk talk. We soon learned this was our assigned team for the scavenger hunt. I ended up on Team Banana. Other teams included Vanilla, Strawberry, Mint, and Grape. Yum. Cause for Blindness asked the relevant question that I’m sure was on everyone’s mind: Will we need to use the condom on trail? Clue cards were provided for the hunt and the Mob was sent off to the sex shop, Mood, to go scavenging (and personal shopping). 
 
I can’t remember what we were looking for because I got hung up in the video aisle eyeing the cover of “Fat Chicks with Black Dicks.” I headed outside to wait for the team while Mayor Quimby finished purchasing our team items (The Mob had been given money to discourage stealing).  Here I ran into a very “loaded” Skin Fiddle, who just came from happy hour. He was so loaded he could barely pronounce the word “loaded.” 
 
Since Team Banana was the last team out of the shop, we didn’t realize the rest of the Mob was actually off r*nning on trail.  We headed straight to the next sex shop, Condom Kingdom where we purchased a couple more flavored condoms.  We had been searching for dental dams when NNFA found us in the store and accused us of cutting trail.  We like to think we were being efficient.
 
Mayor Quimby tried to buy the dental dams, but found out he was a quarter short … because he’d overspent our stipend on anal plugs. Ok, I don’t know what he spent it on, but we should have had enough money left for the damn dams.  Quimby managed to piss off the cashier by asking if he could return the condom he’d already bought.  That wasnt going to happen so NNFA, being the only one of us with any money, finally had to buck up.   
 
Since we were way off trail now, the hare had to shortcut us down the block to the beer check at Mako Retired Surfer’s Bar.  We win!  I briefly stopped at the TLA to pose and sign autrographs, while my band Holy Fuck was playing inside.    Some guy on the street propositioned Winkie, “Can I suck your dick … please?”   We didn’t see Winkie at the beer check for a long time after that. Skin Fiddle was now telling everyone that he was “sober and completely coherent.”  It was exactly 10 minutes from when he was  “loaded.” 
 
Hashers started arriving at the beer check, all sweaty and hot from the trail, as we were relaxing with our PBR’s.  There was a woman with a really classy tattoo on her shoulder of someone blowing their brains out with a gun.  A guy in a hot pink hard hat who was clearly crazy was at the other end of the bar.  I tried to get Winkie, who also looked clearly crazy in a dress, to pose with him for a photo.  But even Winkie has his standards. As the beer check ended, Team Banana strategized that we would stay at the bar and follow the hare to the next beer check because why not? 
 
Our plans were thwarted when NNFA made us run down the street and out of sight before she, Skin Fiddle and Bumble Beaver walked toward the next check. Little did she know we had ducked around the corner by Rita’s to spy on them since Mayor Quimby claimed he was “good at surveillance.” We saw the direction they headed and tried to intercept them around the block. 
 
We learned an important lesson that night, folks, which is that cheaters don’t always win. We totally lost the hare and somehow got to the beer check just as Cause was walking up. So you can imagine how lost we actually were.  The Mob was finishing up their beer when we got there and headed off to Condom Kingdom. Team Banana had been there and done that, so our next stop was the on-in.
 
Everyone headed to the back alley of Tatooed Mom’s for the cirlce as it started to rain. A public alley that was not owned by any particular establishment, I should mention.  Before the circle started, NNFA went through the clues for each team so everyone could self-check their purchases for accuracy. Like the special Olympics, I guess we were all winners. 
 
Hares: Nice Nuggets…Fat Ass, Sloppy Ho, and Barry Maniblow who helped
 
Visitor: Just Pat from the Lehigh hash. He chose the option and mooned the crowd – not my side of the crowd though.
 
First In: Just Kyle, Nappy Headed Ho … not sure we decided a “last in.” but I will say Cause for the record and probably be right.
 
Autohashers: Skin Fiddle, Tickle My Elmo
And when one GM drinks… Hold the Sausage and Scooby Snatch drank.
 
VIOLATIONS:
NNFA violated Mayor Quimby for trying to return a condom a the store
 
Tickle My Elmo violated Barry Maniblow for his r*nning shirt
 
Scooby Snatch violated Just Pat. And then he violated him for his r*nning shirt.
 
Mayor Quimby violated Winkie for wearing new shoes
 
Hold the Sausage violated whoever lost their ID on trail, which turned out to be Just Bill.
 
The Rash violated Just Pat for r*nning into a car.  “I heard a thump and then ‘Oh Shit!’,” she said.
 
Jingle Ballzz violated Cause for Blindness for getting violated and ending her dry spell.
 
Tickle My Elmo violated Jingle Ballzz for TMI!!
 
Tickle My Elmo violated Sloppy Ho for using Well Hung Jury’s nerd name in the circle.
 
Mayor Quimby violated Can You Hear Me Now, who walked up in business casual, for looking “too GQ.”
 
Tickle My Elmo violated Scooby Snatch for something that I cant read in my notes. It looks like “puking”. Or “parking.” That could be it. I’ve seen him park and he’s not that good.
 
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Cousin IT announced his Phillies Tailgate party. Check your calendars for July 14, July 26, or August 11 …and let him know which one works for you.
 
The revelry of the circle came to a screeching halt when the manager of Tatooed Mom’s, who I will call “KillJoy”, came out the back door and yelled at the Mob for public drinking. He claimed he could lose his liquor license or get fined for us drinking outside. In a public alley.
 
The Mob solemnly finished their beers and went inside the bar only to find out we were now BANNED! Feeling like the badasses we were, we packed up our bags and sashayed out of Mom’s never to return again. 
 
The Mob found a new home at Manny Brown’s just down the street, and settled in for the night. We drank, we sang Journey, we (some of us) did (many, many) shots. And somehow in the mix, our beloved Stan showed up in Allturd Boy’s bag, looking tan and diseased from her trip South of the Border. For the record, Allturd Boy claims she was "planted" there.  
 
I left early to purchase a post-concert Holy Fuck tee-shirt at the TLA. Unfortunately the bouncer wouldn’t let me in without a ticket, even with my great namesake story. Banned everywhere that night, Popeye and I ended up at the South Street diner for the fourth meal.
 
On, on!
Holy Fuck
 

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BFM Hash #168 - Chugging-a-Lug at Callahan’s

Posted on May 11, 2007

 The first warm evening in Philly was upon us and my favorite facet of the summer was also back, the humidity. Oh humidity, how I missed you. My hair will now be a Gilda Radner-like red afro until October. Also, Thursday night was the first night of the NHL Eastern conference finals. I listened to the start of the Sabres game on internet radio. For some reason, I do not get Versus with my basic cable even though Rick receives it in the ‘burbs. What gives with Comcast anyway? When is Verizon FiOS coming? Anyway, I was a very unhappy camper leaving my house with the Sabres down 2-0 to Ottawa. (especially with our very own E=MC2 as an Ottawa fan. Yes kids, he is from N. Jersey and not Canada) Luckily, our destination, Callahan’s had the game on and plenty of beers to ease the stress. Right when I arrived, I ran into Attila the Hung who told me that Sabres had scored with a mocking snicker. Allturd Boy asked me a rhetorical question on who was the biggest Sabres fan between the two of us. (I guess this came up since I was too little to remember the 1975 series against that evil team who will remain nameless.) I said Sloppy Ho who was watching the game with Sabres nation. I said to myself at this point, self, “This is going to be a long night.”

At any event, much of the pack was already gathered in the bar drinking and milling about. The bar’s chalk boards advertised Crab Nite and that Crabs were Back! (Crabs, crabs! and no Stan?) Alas, we were right at home at Callahan’s.

Among the pack were: Cause for Blindness, Can You Hear Me Now, Hold the Sausage, Little Red Riding Wood, Fruit of the Clue, Son of A Goat Fucker (off a locked the keys in the car incident from Tuesday), Just Kate, Strap On, Heave Ho, Big Tackle, Rear Engineer, Fiber Opdick, Allturd Boy, Just Alice, Just Megan, Jingle Balzzz, Two Clump Chump, Cunting Season, Little F*cking Winkie, Attila the Hung, Just Diane, Cousin It, Likes the Hard One, Just Sarah, Just Alessandra, Just Sarah, and  Just Jen, Winkie’s friend from MN.  (a lot of “Justs” in the group today)

Hold the Sausage was passing around the short straws to find the night a hare. I, knowing that the short straw was up for grabs, bolted outside to get talk to Big Tackle and get some fresh air. I soon learned that Heave Ho pulled the short straw but Two Clump Chump volunteered to help hare. Apparently, Two Clump Chump was up for redemption a third time. The hares were off and the pack spent some more time imbibing before trail.

Chalk talk was eventually called and the pack headed outside. We intrigued the smoking regulars and one of them joined us for the chalk talk. Hold the Sausage led the Chalk Talk since Sloppy Ho, our RA, was watching the game with the Sabres nation. (representing all of the WNY hashers) We were introduced to our virgins: Just Sarah who Likes the Hard One made cum and Just Alessandra, who the Internet made cum. HTS reminded us not get killed, get shot, get lost, or just herpes on the trail. With this challenge, the pack was off.

The trail:

The pack went off to scout trail and we headed south from the bar. We were check hung at the Naval Square. Rear Engineer informed us that Naval Square condo complex used to be the Naval Asylum, which closed in the 1960s or 1970s. With that tidbit of knowledge, we headed back south towards the bar. On the way to the bar, Rear Engineer moaned on how he should not have drank the four beers prior to running the hash. In retrospect for Rear Engineer and some of the rest of us, this would have been a good time to go on-in. However, hashers are suckers and we continued on on.

The pack soon realized that the trail was going over the South Street bridge into University City. A few us decided that we should institute a new rule, if you cross the Schuykill River, you must have a beer check. Our complaining asses ran over the bridge and a few hashers were baited into a check right over the bridge. The trail continued westbound and into the heart of Penn. At this point, the trail took on some déjà vu from past U. city trails.

Random rant — Did you know the U. City is a marketing concept and the area is really W. Philly? Well, the bitter locals are right and U. City was a plan. It doesn’t stop the angry locals from putting white bumper stickers anywhere the eye can see to try to stop the gentrification. You can learn more about the W. Philly redevelopment plan here: http://www.uchs.net/Rosenthal/wpc.html

While in the heart of Penn, we were check hung near some tents set up for graduation. We found true trail on Walnut street and were taken through a parking lot off of Walnut  street. (very clever) The lot dropped us on 38th street and we then ran over to Market street. It was clear to me at this point that we were doing a campus tour of W. Philly (not that marketing area U. City) At 38th street, Jingle Balzz and I talked about setting up our own impromptu beer check at our theater build site at 40th and Market. We chuckled on how we could drain the beer in the fridge without those silly Savoy people even knowing about it. At last, we realized that we were not responsible enough to actually get keys to the backstage space and we continued on.

The pack went over to Drexel and into Powelton village. We ran down Powelton through a park. Just Kate saw some fraternity brothers walking by us and quipped, “Does anyone know where to find some frat boys.” After that remark, a few us got our second wind. A now tired bunch ran down Market street and found a check on the Market street bridge. The trail went down the Schuykill river trail onto Locust street and then back to the bar.

When we got back to the bar, some congratulated Two Clump Chump on a truly shitty trail, he simply stated, “I have standards, you know?”

Prior to the circle, HTS asked Cunting Season to be the night’s RA since Sloppy Ho and E were not around. After discussion potential songs, a decision was made to make the “Face down, ass up, that the way we like to f*ck…” the song of the year in the year of HTS. Beer was ordered and Cunting Season, our backup, backup, RA called for circle.

The circle:

Virgins –

Just Alessandra was our only virgin who made it back to the circle. The other virgin was lost out on trail. We learned that she made herself cum. (and she had a good time last night… that could explain the e-mail we received today and that it doesn’t have anything to do with Fiber Opdick.)

Hares – Heave Ho and Two Clump Chump

Visitors – Just Jen from MN and Likes the Hard One from Scranton, who is really a transplant, but we were confused.

Just Jen told a joke. It wasn’t acceptable so Mayor Quimby jumped in with an hash friendly offensive joke.

Auhohashers – Skin Fiddle, Elmo, Mayor Quimby, Hold the Sausage. (Elmo tried for all GMs drink rule, but HTS was already in the circle)

First In – Big Tackle (E wasn’t there)  

Last In – Cause (of course)

Accusations:

Elmo accused Big Tackle of not out - chugging Cause.

Cunting Season accused Scooby Snatch of having excessively loud sex at Stinko de Mayo. She made Fiber Opdick drink, who had quieter sex over the weekend.

Rear Engineer accused Rear Engineer, Just Alessandra, and Just Diane for racing.

Winkie accused his friend Just Jen of being a fire hydrant since a dog wanted to pee on her. Winkie ended up drinking for a false accusation. Just Jen made a comment to the effect that Winkie was an a$$hole, but that is just the way he is.

Fruit of the Clue accused Likes the Hard One for losing her virgin on trail.

Cunting Season had to drink for calling Fruit of the Clue, Two Clump Chump.

Just Megan for confusing powder puff football for football.

Can You drank for a false accusation about forcing a goat race. (no one got this one)

Then… Scooby Snatch walked in. He drank for being an autohasher and for having loud sex at Stinko.

Rash also appeared and drank for autohashing.

LRRW accused some overachieving ass clowns for running the Broad Street Run on Sunday – Big Tackle, Attila the Hung, Can You Hear Me Now, Strap On, and Cousin It. (FOTC had to drink, not for his clothes, but for wasting beer – veritable alcohol abuse)

Announcements:

Next week, a special event, the 169th. Details coming out later this week.

Save the Date – Hastille Day Darthalon, July 14th, details to follow.

Friday, May 12th – Attila the Hung’s brother is in town and folks are meeting at Sugar Mom’s in Old City at 9pm.

Up Her Ali and Jingle Balzzz – We are getting a group together to see our show on Friday, June 15th at the Academy of Music. Please cum! proceeds from the show go to charity and Big Tackle is setting up some pre and post lubes to make the event more enjoyable. E-mail UHA at fuzzypls@yahoo.com if you are interested.

The rest of the night:

After the circle, the pack went off to truly try to get a piece, but would they be successful? The Callahan’s softball team showed up, so the odds for the ladies were increasing.

During this part of the night, Mayor Quimby engaged in a chugging contest with a fellow bimbo hasher. (Just Alessandra, I think) This small chugging endeavor lead to a full out four on four chugging contest. After about 15 minutes of chaos and Mayor Quimby trying to explain the rules he was making up on the fly, the contest began and ended promptly. A second round of chugging did not follow, much to the joy of our employers who would have to deal with our lost work productivity tomorrow.

Google lists a site for chug-a-lug game, which is also a famous song:

http://www.gameroom.com/gamebits/RULES/096_Chug_A_Lug_Rules.html

http://users.bigpond.net.au/clarks/chugalug.htm (I like how in the background of this link it says Dang Me)

After the chugging contest for no reason, Holy F*ck and friend, Bumble Beaver, and E=MC2 arrived at the bar for some beverages; only to find the pack a little more intoxicated than usual. Even Elmo mentioned that he had to switch to water. Something was truly up.

Scooby Snatch was this night’s Virgin Pimp, since Scooby was talking to the virgin, Just Alessandra.  I guess the loud sex didn’t scare her off. Speaking of Virgin Pimp, what has become of him, is he out campaigning for Michael Nutter? At some point, Just Alice has a hash crash in the middle of the bar, but she was up and at ‘em in no time to get jiggy on the dance floor with Just Megan. It was getting late and this process wienie had to get up and lead a workshop in the morning. Whatever you kids did after that, well…

On, on, YFF

Up Her Ali

 

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BFM #167 – Cant resist the Mist™!

Posted on May 10, 2007

It seemed like any ordinary evening at the hash. I entered Buffalo Billiards on Chestnut Street to find a decent sized crowd of BFM regulars gathered around the bar drinking in preparation for the trail. Stan had already been stolen to no one’s surprise (a careless moment of neglect by her father).   You can usually identify a fine drinking establishment by whether they display their vodka with colored backlighting. Buffalo Billiards had an impressive selection in the center of the bar and the bottles were all glowing red. I was surprised to find it was not the hole in the wall I had pictured, and that there were no tattooed bikers (or cowboys) playing pool.  
 
Who Came:
Sloppy Ho, Just Diane, Can You Hear Me Now, Little Red Riding Wood, Hold the Sausage, Europee’n On Me, Holy Fuck, Strap On, E=My Cock Squared, Popeye’s Bitch, Rear Engineer, Stacks, New Kid on the Cock, Scooby Snatch, Just Megan, Mr Snuffle up a Muff, Mayor Quimby, Stan, Cause for Blindness, Attilla the Hung, Up her Ali, Big Tackle, Nappy Headed Ho, Little Fucking Winkie, Jingle Ballzzz, Just Kate, Fiber Opdick, Deep Flute, Tight Lips, Plastic Pud, Beagle, Nice Nuggets…Fat Ass, Soft Core Analyst, Son of Goat Fucker.
 
No straws were passed out since our volunteer hare Plastic Pud had pre-laid trail that night. Witha beer check. As Mayor Quimby nervously searched for Stan, I overheard Winkie mention that there would be a naming tonight.  
 
The Mob meandered outside for Sloppy’s chalk talk, while Beagle and Sausage and headed off into the night in search of cheap beer for the outside circle. Our hare informed us we would see both 76 and 95 that night referencing his confusion over directions and highways.
 
The on-on was due east and we lost trail somewhere around Independence Hall. Not sure why we thought there would be a trail there since we’ve been warned many times NOT to dump any “unidentified illegal substance” there.  
 
The Mob picked up trail going in the opposite direction and down Lombard. We ran straight for an eternity. I began to wonder if we would really see 76.   So then we turned and ran straight in another direction for a long time. If I had to retrace the trail from that night, it would go something like this:
 
BAR

 
                                                      Beer Check
 
Not many surprises, but there was a good beer check at some place called Cocos in the Jewelry District.   On our way into the bar, I noticed Just Reese with a cell Phone/GPS/MP3/DVD player strapped to his ass. And here I thought the spring in his step was because he was gay! Mental note to pick on the new guy in the circle. And in the hash trash.
 
Once inside, I began investigating Stan’s disappearance, eyeing up suspects, questioning potential perps. Fiber Opdick, taking any trips in the near future? Idaho you say? Poor Stan. Winkie says he’s not going away until August. Hmm… Deep Flute’s going to Florida this week… doesn’t seem a likely suspect. But she mentioned that she could have gotten a picture of Stan right next to the Space Shuttle at Cape Canaveral where her brother works. Note to kidnapper: Those Mexico pictures better be pretty damn good to top THAT.   
 
We finished beer (some finished 2) and completed the last right angle of the square back to the bar. 
 
An unusual scene took place outside as everyone in the Mob began stretching like we are serious runners or something. “Look at all you fuckers stretching!” Scooby called us on it.   But we kept on doing it. And it felt good.  
 
Sloppy Ho and I began to wonder where our Grand Mistress was since no one had seen or heard from her since she left for beer. She soon appeared with 3 large bottles wrapped in paper bags, luring the Mob like the pied piper to follow her to the circle. This walk took about as long as our run and many hashers were starting to whine. 
 
We finally arrived at our destination where HTS supplied us with clear plastic cups, while she revealed the mystery drink in the bag … much to the confusion of the Mob. Apparently all beer distributors were closed and the bar 6 packs were too expensive for us, so our resourceful GM made the executive decision and got us Arbor Mist.   Ah…Pink, Feminine, Fruity… much like the gynocracy. 
 
This lightly carbonated, slightly sweetened wine product has a refreshing taste that is perfect for all social get-togethers, relaxing with friends, and as a personal indulgence at the end of a busy day.   Ok, I got that from their web site. I also learned that Arbor Mist is “lower alcohol than many other wines,” so this does not help explain Europee’n’s giddiness as she left the circle.
 
After recovering from the initial shock, the Mob began to embrace the pink bubbly liquid, sipping with pinkies out, many claiming to prefer it over beer. 
 
Hare: Plastic Pud
 
Virgin: Son of Goat Fucker … So that’s your real name then?
 
First In/Last In: E=MC2 and Cause for Blindness … this field should be a template that automatically populates in each hash trash.
 
Cums Lately: Rear Engineer volunteered himself. I think it should have been 3 Balls, but the Mob got distracted in the excitement of Arbor Mist and didn’t make him drink afterall.
 
Accusations:
Little Fucking Winkie – So this guy apparently had sex with a REAL virgin. He claims he didn’t know til AFTER. NNFA said that the girl just used him to “break it in” but she really likes someone else. Winkie added that she stood him up on a date via text.   I’m scared to even ask how old she was.
 
CYHMN violated Hold the Sausage for making him drink “this swill” twice as a stand in hare until Plastic Pud got to the circle.  
 
Winkie violated Just Reese for not knowing who Stan was – particularly because he plays kickball on the Stan’s Bitches Kickball team!   Apparently Just Reese made claims that when he finds out who Stan is he’s “gonna kick his ass.” Our money is on Stan.
 
Sloppy Ho violated Fiber Opdick for having a gay moment with Popeye’s Bitch when he reminisced that one year ago today they both made out. I should note that they made out without Popeye’s consent and that it was during a bet Fiber Opdick made to get women to make out.
 
Sloppy also violated E and Strap On for making out in their car.   And when one married person drank… Big Tackle and whoever else I missed drank. Note: Cause DID NOT drink.
 
Holy Fuck violated Just Reese for tech on ass on trail.   Reese said I was just looking at his ass.
 
Announcements:
Europee’n On Me: She is taking order for Stan’s Bitches Tee Shirts
 
Hold the Sausage and NNFA: The 169 will be a trail, scavenger hunt, pub crawl… and we’re going with the theme kids! “Spicy”.   There may be a hike in hash cash. Bring your party pants.
 
NNFA: Full Moon is Tomorrow
 
Scooby: Full Moon is Tomorrow
 
Attilla the Hung: His brother’s in town next Friday – we need to show him a good time
 
E=MC2: He and Strap On are haring the Tuesday Philly Hash in King of Prussia
 
Just Reese: Stans Bitches team practice is Sunday at 4pm
 
Holy Fuck: 11am we are meeting at McFaddens for the après-Broad Street run
 
Hold the Sausage: Needs your tee shirt ideas for the haberdashery… a big vagina?
 
Now it was time for the naming of Just Reese! He teaches linguistics, his favorite position is IN, his O face is unimpressive, he went to Boston College, grew up in Valley Forge, and his favorite farm animal is a parakeet (?).  
 
Some of the names tossed out included Corky Romano, Plays with Himself, Kick Balls, Polly Wanna Cock, Mango, Pitcher and Catcher, Wrong turn to Brown Town, and Every Man I Blow.   After several ties, the Mob finally stopped voting twice and Barry Maniblow was the clear winner based on Just Reese’s resemblance to the gay singer and probably more influenced by the fact we were drinking Arbor Mist.
 
The circle was closed and the Mob made the long arduous trek back to the bar for Dos Equis bottles. Inside were autohasher Tickle My Elmo, Anal Proboner, Skin Fiddle and Just Megan waiting at the bar.
 
I played one round of foosball with Barry Maniblow against Mayor Quimby and Just Kate. Once they kicked our ass, I realized I could never live up to Barry Maniblow’s mad foosball skills, so I went and ordered chicken fingers. I will note for the record however, that I did score our only goal in that game. 
 
The Mob seemed mellow, eating dinner at the bar or having casual conversations around the room. I think we can also attribute this to the Arbor Mist.   Since it wasn’t gonna be a rock and roll night and no one was obviously taking over the jukebox, I left. Whatever happened after that is your business.
 
On, on!
Holy Fuck 

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BFM Hash #166 - Serenading Stan at Westy’s

Posted on May 3, 2007

The pack met at Westy’s –  a dive bar that is known for its cheap beer, greasy food, and Thursday night Karaoke. As I arrived, I spotted one of the co-hares Hold the Sausage coming back from setting the last part of the run. Our GM had better things to do, as she needed to represent the BFM in street hockey in Manayunk. Apparently, several of our fellow regular hashers were also missing due to this conflicting interest. I guess Rear Engineer promised them there would be beer there and they may never come back…

The pack that wandered into run the trail were Mayor Quimby, Plastic Pud, CYHMN, Fiber Opdick (who is not listed first for once), Holy F*ck, Over Easy, Just Meg, Nice Nuggets Fat Ass, Cause, Popeye’s Bitch, Jingle Balzzz, LF Winkie, Cunting Season, Stacks, Sly Fox, Little Red Riding Wood, Just Reese, Hold the Sausage, Soft Core Analyst, Just Alison, Just Kate, Up Her Ali and whoever else showed up during the night. (there were a lot of you!)

The pack milled around the bar for a while. During this time, Fiber Opdick was handing out decals for the Stan’s Bitches in an official looking manila envelope that eventually was lost. We eventually made it outside the bar to do the chalk talk. Sloppy Ho, our RA, was one of the hares; so we were left to our own devices to explain the marks to our three virgins who came out that night – Just Meg, Just Alice, and Just Megan. All we knew was there was a beer check -  the pack was motivated.

The pack then set out to find trail. (so… you can just skip this part of the narrative until the beer check, I know you are you not going to really read what happens now…) We ran up through the warehouse district up to Spring Garden. We were check hung at Broad and Spring Garden. Holy F*ck and I might have led on that we knew where the beer check was or maybe we didn’t. Winkie, having an idea where the beer check might be, took us North on Broad Street. We eventually found trail on 15th street and headed North of Fairmont. If you haven’t been North of Fairmont, it is an experience. To put it this way, you might want to run a bit faster in that area. Cunting Season and I learned this first hand when we hared a few months ago.

After crossing back over Fairmont, we ran through a park and to Sloppy Ho’s apartment for a beer check. Sloppy had about 60 beers giving to her courtesy of the Egotestical and the Wharton b-school folks. (I admit I don’t like the Wharton b-school kids by reputation, but they could be growing on me if they keep up the beer donations…then again maybe not…) The pack drank the variety of yummy beers and some of the group huddled outside on the back deck. So many of our tried to chill on the deck, some of us were afraid we might tumble to an early death. At the beer check, we learned that the harriers that ran last Saturday’s Philly trail in Fairmont Park had all gotten a case of Poison Ivy. The hare of the debaucle was CYHMN and even he was oozing poison ivy goo. We stayed away from him. (as usual)

The circle:

After returning from trail, the circle was behind Westy’s in the adjacent parking lot. This lot is deserted except for some random tour buses. These same random buses threatened  to take us out as we began the circle. Sloppy Ho opened the circle high leg kick style and we were off…

Earlier in the night, I learned that Holy F*ck was our circle’s unsung hero. Despite a car breakdown, she was able to pick up the 30 pack of PBR to save our circle. Apparently, HF’s car broke down in Delaware, (the dude forgot to put the oil cap on after an oil change) but she was able to pull off at the exit with a Jiffy Lube. As luck would have it, Total Wine and Spirits was in the same shopping center. Our heroine quickly realized the opportunity to buy the case of beer and the circle was saved!

Hares – Sloppy Ho, Just Melissa, and Quimby for Hold the Sausage.

Virgins –

Just Meggin – Popeye’ Bitch made her cum on Saturday… really?? How did this happen? 

Just Alice – Nappy Headed Ho made her cum

Just Meg – Over Easy made her cum.

Not once did the BFM boyz-2-men remind the three attractive female virgins about the option. What’s up with this — lowered expectations or are you starting to play for the other team?  

First In – LF Winkie

Last In – Cause

Autohashers – Skin Fiddle, Elmo, Attila the Hung, Fiber Opdick, Just Reese, and Big Tackle

Accusations:

First, we asked how Popeye’s Bitch met the Virgin and made her cum on Saturday night. (some of us are still in shock)

Queef – For washing Sloppy’s clothes. While the rest of us went outside on the first floor, Queef decided to take a tour of the basement.

Stacks – For running into a parking meter.

NNFA – For wearing perfume and leopard skin.

Sloppy Ho – Accused of being an overachieving ass clown and running a half marathon in Idaho. Some thought this must be some kind of a sack race…after asking if she got busy there… her silence led us to believe this really was a sack race.

(the On-Secs, Holy F*ck and Up Her Ali for being in the gynocracy)

Just Reese – For being a pussy and wanting to go inside because it was cold.

Announcements:

Nice Nuggets Fat Ass – Get ready for the 169th run – details to follow.

Elmo – Full Moon at Standard Tap in the Northern Liberties.

Cunting Season – July 14th , Hastille Day Dartathalon – save the date!

Just Reese – Practice for Stan’s Bitches on Sunday (Note: this has already passed. There is a game this weekend for Stan’s Bitches) Fiber Opdick also mentioned that there were iron on decals with instructions for the very bright orange Kickball T-shirt. Also, Quimby informed us that it was Stan’s Birthday – Doesn’t Stan get a birthday side side? Maybe Stan’s parents?

Queef – He is haring(?) the Princeton Hash on Sunday. (Note: due to the laziness of the On Sec, this date has passed)

Attila the Hung – It is his graduation the weekend of May 12th and his brother is in town that weekend. Get ready to party hardy – details to follow.

The pack was cold at this point as the wind kicked up in the Parking lot. It felt like the temperature fell about 20 degrees while we were in the circle. We finished up our PBRs and went inside for the remainder of the evening.

Karaoke:

We know that hashers are not a shy bunch, so many of us quickly signed up for Karaoke. The regulars were a bit perturbed that we took over their dive bar. In the front of the bar was a group of Karaoke professionals. You know these folks. They stalk Karaoke and sing like they are on American Idol. During our songs, they had no problem heckling our singers. (especially when Winkie was singing) Next time, we need to spill beer on them or have Winkie do a rap on how much they suck. 

The hash singing began:

Holy F*ck sang All Night Long by Lionel Richie. (She actually didn’t sign up for this song, she was volunteered by members of the pack. )

LF Winkie – An characteristic improve of a mystery song. As mentioned, the professional Karaoke singers were angry and threatened to throw Ketchup on him. (and people call Hashers immature)

My C*nt – My nickname for one of the professional Karaoke singers came up next. I think he sang something unimportant and uninspired.

Just Reese and Sloppy Ho – Don’t Stop Believing (of course)

Mayor Quimby – Sweet Caroline

Jingle/Cause – Mercedes Benz

Cunting Season – Midnight Train to Georgia

Skin Fiddle – A song I didn’t write down (sorry dude)

Up Her Ali (and Just Reese) – Apparently, I put in for this song and so did Just Reese and Sloppy Ho (oops) Reese helped me with some dance moves.. (I only saw some of it, but it looked Richard Simmons-esque)

NNFA – A Sheryl Crow song

Many more songs were sung, but I stopped writing them down…

During this whole period – two of our virgins, Just Megan and Just Alice were getting down on the “dance floor”. Getting in on the virgin action was ….  not Virgin Pimp? Nappy Headed Ho was chatting up one of the cute as pie virgins…

Also, during the night, the folder with the Stan’s Bitches iron-ons was lost. Fiber Opdick surveyed the entire pack, but the envelope was nowhere to be found. (Jingle Balzzz saved the day since he found the envelope at the end of the night, phew…)

Rear Engineer and Bumble Beaver from the hockey crowd began to arrive. Others also trickled in as the night went on to join in the Karaoke fun. (FOTC, Dry Hump) While the night was in full swing, I decided to head out early to grab a little shut eye. The rest of the night will remain only in our drunken memories.

On, on, YFF

Up Her Ali

 

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