Another VERY SERIOUS Disclaimer in the year of the Gynocracy: The on-sec who is writing this trash was exceedingly intoxicated when she wrote her notes for the hash. Since she has no short term or long term memory for that matter, this trash will be a piece of dog doo doo and will completely be just about her and her petty whims – screw you whiny bitches! Save yourself a few minutes of your precious life and page down to Trash #186

(Meat, Can U, and All Turd Boy – I am expecting your commentary on VERY SERIOUS disclaimer #2 – bring it bitches! Game ON ON!) 

As a person who drinks alcohol, there are just a few things that I should know by now. For example, when I say I am going out to the hash and just having one beer, I am clearly deluding myself. It’s an even bigger delusion at Drinkers where the beers are a mere $1. In addition, I should know that when I say I am never drinking that much again on school night, it’s a LIE. (the untruth, not the highway)

I also was bitter I had to get off the couch for the hash. The hash is usually fun, but getting off the couch can be painful. (Just ask my fat ass) So, I got ready and left the dark recesses of 1300 Pine St. On the way, I chatted with Rick about the many woes of a self absorbed bitch. Then, I tried to cope with my annoyance with loud, angry music. I finally settled on Nine Inch Nails. NIN didn’t let me down in undergrad; they weren’t going to let me down tonight. I mean, how about this gem of Trent Reznor:

god money i’ll do anything for you
god money just tell me what you want me to
god money nail me up against the wall
god money don’t want everything he wants it all
no you can’t take it
no you can’t take it
no you can’t take that away from me
no you can’t take it
no you can’t take it
no you can’t take that away from me

head like a hole
black as your soul
i’d rather die than give you control
head like a hole
black as your soul
i’d rather die than give you control

bow down before the one you serve
you’re going to get what you deserve
bow down before the one you serve
you’re going to get what you deserve

god money’s not looking for the cure
god money’s not concerned with the sick amongst the pure
god money let’s go dancing on the backs of the bruised
god money’s not one to choose

you know who you are

Lovely, isn’t it?

I arrived at the bar after a lovely walk. I ran into Fruit of the Clue. He was with a nice girl named Sylvie. I figured this was one of his many friend bitches… but I then realized this was the real deal… She was sweet, French, and a fellow Cornell grad – nice going FOTC! 

As I walked into the bar, many folks had already arrived. Here is the list of participants I could remember from the evening:Virgin Success with Drunk Chicks, Attila I’m Hung, Exceedingly Sloppy Hoes, Don’t Itch The Rash, Cause for (Insert something here, you can, you’re clever), Self Absorbed Bitch Who Changes Hash Names in the Trash, You Can’t Hear Him Now, Not Smart Enough to Get out of Being Married Next Saturday, Stripper Fiddle, The Person Formerly Known as Target, Horse Whacker Rides a Tuba and Saves a Horse, Anal Hunting Season, Full Frontage Engineer, Barely Human, Tighter Hips, Hard Core Anal-banger, I Found My Vagina, Long Prosperous Life Wish, Yeast of Monistat 7, I Try to Yack in Her Box Regularly, Albania Rules and So Does Cactus!, Fire Up Top, Jingo Penises, Scams Jailbait Girls, E=The Laws of Physics are Crap, Yes baby… I’ll Strap It On, Fruit of the Loom, Fruit of the Loom’s Bitch, Holds Beagle’s Sausage, Hey – Nice Racks!, Olive Oil’s S&M Bitch, Big Red Rides Cock, Punch Me Elmo, Left Tackle, I’m the New Guy Right Out of Villanova, Well Purchased Jury, Fat Nuggets…Nice Pythons, and Clearly I’m Straight (at the beer check only…)

 

 

 

Sausage was handing out the straws. Sub Human actually picked the short straw, looked confused, and put it back in the pile. I guess if you the cranky GM from Philly you can get away with this crap. Ah, but Sub is one of my favorite Philly hashers and he can get away with anything if he wants. (You perverts, that was clearly not what I meant)

 

All of the Sundry Relatives of a Goat F*cker pulled the short straw. I checked in to see what was happening and who was haring. SOGF looked dazed and wanted a co-hare. It seems that the beer check was in my gayberhood. So, being the nice bitch I am, I volunteered to co-hare. Rear Engineer drew us a map of the beer check. Lick Hymen was coerced by RE to have the check at his place at Spruce and Camac.

 

All I have to say is SOGF is great. Most guys would have kicked my controlling, dominating ass to the curb when laying trail. He just went with my whim as we set trail to Lick Hymen’s place. I tried to take the pack through the many back alleys of the Society Hill Neighborhood.

 

I really don’t know too much else that happened. I know a bunch of folks short-cutted at Spruce St and headed right for the beer check. This same crew would be trouble later.

 

We arrived at Lick Hymen’s place and the first thing I noticed is that it was across from a gay bar. I also noticed: His deck is in a back alley. His deck is larger than the living space in the apartment. He has a party turtle that you can put ice and beer into. He has labeled recycling containers. He has plenty of beer and PBR.

 

SOGF and I chatted with LH for a while. Soon after, a bunch of the pack arrived. I know I am slow, but not THAT slow. It seems this group knew where the beer check was and went for it. (Skipping the alleys in the trail - bitches) We chugged our PBRs and went on the way back On-In.

 

Back on-in, Sloppy Ho and I started to collect hash cash and stuff happened:

 

The Anheiser Busch sales ladies were buying free beers for people. All we had to do to get this free beer is to pose for a picture. The caption for that picture should say, “We are the BFM and we pimp out for free beer.”

 

Attila the Hung was drinking out of glass cowboy boot.

 

Dudes were watching the Phillies Game

People were bringing the beer down for the circle 

Can u accused me of not trusting him

People were hanging out outside and smoking

Rear Engineer ordered pizza

 

Sloppy Ho was guarding E’s laptop. This got us thinking, what could possibly in this laptop that it needs to be so guarded. Some ideas we had:

-         Codes to nuclear bombs

-         Who Shot JFK

-         Secrets of the pyramids

-         The person Carly Simon wrote the song You’re So Vain about

-         The secret on how he finds trail and mystery beer checks when no one else can 

 

 

 

After waiting an eternity for the last group to come back, we gave up and Sloppy started the circle. I went downstairs to join the fun and I saw the largest collection of hash beer ever! It was beautiful. It brought a tear to my eye! I also realized that we were going to be absolutely wasted in about 15 minutes.

 

Hare: Son of a Goat F*cker, Up Her Ali

 

Virgins: Just Sylvie – FOTC made her cum. It turns out the Just Sylvie is a beer snob; she wouldn’t drink the wonderful beverage that is Miller High Life. It appears she has taste. We will have none of that!

 

Visitors: Deathwish and Yeast of Burden

Deathwish told a bad blonde joke and Yeast of Burden showed her ass (with tan lines)

 

First In – Rear Engineer – He was shamelessly self-promoting on this one. Also, I disagreed with him to a certain extent. Short-cutters or trail losers, Can U, Strap On, and Horse Whacker made it way in before him. However, I, in my alternate reality misunderstood that you had to complete the whole trail to obtain this glorious honor.

 

Last In – All the people who came in from the impromptu beer check – But they weren’t back yet. So Virgin Pimp and someone else had to drink

 

Really F-ing Late – Snausage, Big Tackle, Stacks, Popeye’s Bitch, Little Red Riding Wood, Just Bill – apparently, this crew stopped at Locust Bar for an impromptu beer check – then when one GM drinks – all GMs drink

 

Long Time No See’ers – Attila the Hung, Sub Human, Well Hung Jury and then when one GM drinks – All GMs drink – The all the gynocracy had to drink (It was starting to get ugly)

 

Auto hashers – Cause for Blindness, Skin Fiddle, Attila the Hung, The Rash, Nice Nuggets, Well Hung Jury, Just Sylvie (Beer Snob) and then when one GM drinks – All GMs drink

 

Birthday Side Side – Scams Old Ladies  

 

Rear Engineer was accused of Sexy Underwear. I think he showed it.

 

The people eating pizza were accused of eating in circle. The funniest thing was Stacks in the corner, eating her pizza, watching the madness. There was NO way she was drinking for that.

 

Lots of people drank for being over-achieving ass clows in the Distance Run: Sloppy Ho, Nice Nuggets, Elmo, Rash, Big Tackle, Someone else… and when One GM drinks – All GMs drink – Then all gynocracy (you are sensing a trend aren’t you)

 

Fire Down Under was accused of headgear

 

SOGF was accused of getting married next week – sucker!

 

Yeast of Burden was accused of giving Deathwish her down down beer and then taking another one from the stash

 

Well Hung was accused of looking lovely in her work attire

 

Horse Whacker was accused of wearing real running gear on trail

 

Sloppy was accused of liking Miller High Life

 

There was some kind of girl fight with Horse Whacker and Fire Down Under

 

Philly Marathon Beer Check – Nov 17^th

 

Tonight!! Full Moon at Bonners – 7pm – Be there!

 

Saturday night – Philly 1550^th at Theresa’s in Manayunk – Beer starts at 2pm - There will be prizes and lots of them. You can see Sub Human drunk again!

 

Moose Knuckles – Contact Rear Engineer if you can play hockey. It’s a bunch of fun!

 

Elmo said something inappropriate about rape… Elmo say something inappropriate OR try to pants someone….never!!

Things that are happening next year….

 

Ski Trip – Feb 2008 - $245 dollars. The 1550^th is cheaper

Phillies Tailgate 2008 – Date TBD

 

Nice Nuggets won the best python contest…

 

Cause is still single!

 

 

 

Well – I put my notebook away early. I think this is best. My drunken, gushing self couldn’t write anything anyway. What I remember is the following…

 

The Phillies Won!! Go Phils – F the Mets!

 

I didn’t play crack box. I was too busy bitching with Strap On, SOGF, and Jingle Balzzz (what else is new)

 

I went back downstairs to speak to more people. Then, people went upstairs. (hmm, maybe something I should know?)

 

Many hashers stayed out WAY past their bedtime. I accused some of them behind their back of secret after-hash liaisons.

 

I bought pizza for Jingle Balzzz, Cause, Elmo, and maybe even some random drunk guy at SoHo pizza. I have yet to have that pizza sober. When I am drunk, it’s the best pizza in the universe!

 

I got home safely…

 

I am now writing the trash…hungover as sh*t…

 

 

Someone wrote this in my notebook: Virgin Pimp to SOGF. “This song always gets me in the mood. What’s your phone #?”

 

 

On, on, YFF

 

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Who Came: Hold the Sausage, Holy Fuck, Europee’n On Me, Sloppy Ho, Just Megan, Anal ProBoner, Popeye’s Bitch, Skin Fiddle, Up Her Ali, The Rash, S&M Man, Little Red Riding Wood, Yack in the Box, Just Mike, Big Tackle, Just Chad, Just Marcel, Cause for Blindness, Nappy Headed Ho, Sloppy Ass Kisser, Can You Hear Me Now?, Just Brian, Virgin Pimp, The Rash, Scooby Snatch, Jingle Ballzzz, Rear Engineer, Cunting Season, Fiber Opdick, Fire Down Under, Soft Core Anal-ist, The Rash.

 

Sloppy Ho told the Mob at our chalk talk that there would be 1 Beer Check and 2 “Possible Surprises”.  Hooray!  To give the hare CYHMN some more time, she solicited jokes from the crowd. This may have been the most painful 7 minutes of my life.

 

-What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?

 

-What’s the difference between a truck full of dead babies and a truck full of bowling balls?
You can’t pick up bowling balls with a pitchfork!

 

-What’s red, shiny and bangs it head into walls?

 

There were many more gems, but I was banging my head against the wall by then and couldn’t hear them. 

 

We headed off in some direction … I’ll call it “East.” There was a lot of check-hanging and general dawdling.   At 4^th and Bainbridge we encountered a skater pack. Their fearless leader told us “The guy said to say he went this way but he actually went back that way” [points in opposite direction].   Would we believe skater punk? Maybe it’s a Jedi reverse mind game … CYHMN wants us to think we’re being tipped off, but he actually went the first direction. Nah. Waaaaay too complex for him.   We’re now back to deciding whether or not we believe skater punk.   “I believe him! Let’s go!” Nappy Headed Ho voiced his vote of confidence as he led the Mob in the tip-off direction … which proved to be right on.   CYHMN should have known better than to trust a skater to cover his ass. 

 

We r*n through a bunch of dark little alleys that circled us in a holding pattern within the same 3 blocks for a while, until we could finally let it out on South Street.  Literally. There was no room for us with the sidewalk crowds, so we ran on South Street, inches from the cars.   “On, On!!” yelled the BFM. “Hola!!” was the response from onlookers.  We may need to work on our e-n-u-n-c-i-a-t-i-o-n.

 

We turned on 3^rd Street and the trail went dead, which we later found out was because the hare ran out of flour. The Mob kept going straight and ended back at The New Wave before we had reached any beer checks or "surprises". Ooops. 

 

Luckily, some knew the “beer” check was at Europee’n’s and we led the Mob there.  Steamy wine coolers awaited thirsty hashers in Euro’s garage.  Refrigeration is soooo overrated.  We had our choice of delicious Wild Berries, Strawberry, Cherry or Fuzzy Navel, which turned our tongues various shades of red.    3.2% alcohol by volume. Contains sufites.  And as we were continuing reading the labels aloud,  Just Marcel turned to inform me “If you’re pregnant, you should not drink dis one.”   Thank you.

 

The beverage was warm and sickeningly sweet, much like the 80’s. Most of us had a hard time getting it down, but Virgin Pimp bragged that he had chugged two.  Animal.  Half the pack then took off for some other rumored “beer check” while the other half of us stood around looking confused. With no directions or flour marks we finally left the check and prayed for the best in finding the next one.

 

This proved to be easier than we anticipated.  We found the pack just around the corner drinking beer by a random car. Why have a beer check so close, you ask?  Well, let’s just say this one was unscheduled.  Apparently someone had brilliantly put  Nappy Headed Ho in charge of the beer stash for circle, giving him direction to “stay here watch this til we get back.”  Here is when the plan went awry.   Perhaps they should have been more explicit in direction not to give it out to hashers while he was watching it. 

 

Hold the Sausage and Sloppy Ho found the Mob at the car and ushered us across the street to some condo construction site for the circle.  Meanwhile, someone was sent off on yet another beer run to replace what we had just consumed.  

 

Once we managed to make it through the broken glass and debris and up the hill to the “spot”, the Mob was treated to jello shots left over from Saturday’s Philly hash.  The crowd was less rowdy than usual tonight…perhaps the after-effects of the wine coolers.   Everyone decided to sit down on the hill facing forward for some reason, like we were going to be watching an outdoor movie or concert.  So, uh you guys wanna circle up? Sloppy Ho asked the unenthusiastic group.   They reluctantly stood up and Sloppy made a toast to “wine coolers and jello.”  

 

 

 

The beer arrived and Nappy helpfully passed it out.

 

 

Accusations:

Sloppy Ho presented 2 “write-in” accusations for Hold the Sausage from Jews for having the 80’s party on Rosh Hashana so they couldn’t play.

 

CYHMN accused Fiber Opdick of catching him but not taking the bag

 

CYHMN accused Anal ProBoner of being the only one who saw him on South Street.   “And I would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for you crazy kid.”

 

Sloppy Ho accused Nappy Headed Ho of setting up his own beer check. But when ONE Ho drinks, ALL Ho’s drink.

 

Anal ProBoner accused Sloppy Ho of pretending to drink and sticking her half full bottle in the trash. Sloppy then tried to “prove” her wrong by taking out the bottle to show it to everyone … as beer splashed out everywhere.

 

Just Brian accused the Hash of not dressing up. Thank you!

 

The autohashers soon emerged from the darkness and began up the hill … including Cause for Blindness… crutches and all. I could see from her side ponytail that she at least had dressed up.

 

CYHMN accused Cause for Blindness for saying “I have your pants Nettie” when she arrived in Circle.

 

Autohashers:

Up Her Ali … “She looks just like Ali Sheedy!” someone yelled.

 

It was now time for yet another Laming. But I like how this one turned out.   Just Megan is from Houston and goes to USP to one day become a physician assistant.   She likes potatoes and cucumbers. In college she broke a lot of windows.    Some suggestions from the Mob:

Position Assistant

Sponge Bath Square Pants

Cooter Tooter

Queen LaQueefa

Cactus… No one could figure out where Marcel’s suggestion came from, but someone guessed that the Albanian could be describing his penis

Takes it Up the Taco Like Stan

 

One of the initial names was reworked to something I think we can ALL be proud of: Sponge Bath No Pants.  

 

No time to celebrate, we were soon alerted by Fiber Opdick to drop our bottles, as our cozy little soire was about to be spoiled by the Fuzz. The Popo. Flashlights beaming, we were like deer in headlights, but the front line managed to evade their investigative tactics, while the rest of us scrambled to clean up… not so quietly.  

 

 

After our run-in with the heat, we decided to head back to the safety of indoor drinking at New Wave. More autohashers showed up, including a very shaven Jingle Balllzzz in short-shorts, headband and a Quicksilver tee shirt… with a diamond stud earring? I’m guessing a gay 80’s surfer-runner? 

 

 

 

“I like it dark and smelly” – Rear Engineer

 

“R U?”… “Hang– ing!” – Hashers check-hanging at yet another corner

 

“He IS so gay.” –  CYHMN re: Jingle Ballzzz’s outfit. Particularly his shaved legs.

 

“I blew my load when I was walkin’” – Fiber Opdick, referring to his loss of “flour”

 

“We lied to the fuzz” –Yack in the Box

 

1. “I really, really, reeeaaallly, like pussy!”

2. “I got stroked by a guy [at a Carolina Trash camping hash] … and I didn’t pop wood!”   

–Fiber Opdick trying to convince Popeye’s Bitch that he’s really not gay.   Dude, you let a guy stroke you – that’s totally gay.

 

“It’s happening tonight. I’ll keep you drinking and then I’ll make my move. They don’t call him ‘Quicksilver’ for nuthin.”  – CYHMN to Jingle Ballzzz

 

 

 

It was erroneously reported in the BFM 182 Hash Trash that “Santorum” was a “frothy mix of semen, lube and a bit of fecal matter that oozes out of the asshole after sex”.   Our source, Virgin Pimp, wanted to set the record straight that there actually is no semen in Santorum because of the advent of condoms. “You need to be careful butt-fucking gay men” according to VP.   Of course, there’s another option. “I prefer butt-fucking straight men without a condom,” reports The S&M Man.   

 

 

 

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Anything can happen when the hash goes to rolling hills of the Manarox metro area… We are all out of our comfort zone, we have to drive, bike, actually ride public transportation. The only happy person is usually 2 Clump, who can saunter down from the Walnut Lane compound.

 

When I arrived at the Old Eagle Tavern, only a few hashers were there – Rear Engineer, Fruit of the Clue (wearing colorful attire per usual), Two Clump and some strangers we didn’t yet know. After getting a pitcher of beer and settling in, we once again realized we were in the midst of a sausage fest. (Where or where have the hot women gone??) At some point, we pondered if it was possible for a man to fake it. Little did we know, but 2 Clump had a possible explanation. (Not that is had ever happened to him) Rear Engineer also pondered if it possible to have a life without internet access. With such deep thoughts, no wonder E and Strap On show up late to the runs.

 

Sloppy Ho and the center city bike contingent soon arrived. I learned that Just Marcel tagged along with them and rode a Pink and Purple huffy. That’s hot!

 

Taking part in the sausage fest were: Fruit of the Clue, Rear Engineer, Yack in the Box, Just Bill, Just Mike, Just Marcel, Sloppy Ho, Can U Hear Me Now, Up Her Ali, Son of a Goat Fucker, Beagle, Horse Whacker, Jingle Balzzz, E=MC2, Holy Fuck, Hold the Sausage, Virgin Pimp, Where’s My Vagina, Tickle My Elmo, Two Clump Chump, All Turd Boy, Fire Down Under, and eventually Mayor Quimby (Note: spell check called him Mayor Gumby…check out this link… http://www.gumbyworld.com/

But does Gumby sing as well as the Mayor? I am counting on one of you to come up with a YouTube video for this.)

 

Eventually, our GM walked around with straws to pick our lucky hare for the night. After I didn’t pull the short straw, I really didn’t care who else was haring. Well, not until I had to write it in the trash and run the damn trail.

 

Our lovely RA led us in some chalk talk; we learned we had a few new folks in our midst – Just Bill, Just Mike, and Yak in the Box from Everyday is Wednesday. (Yes, another one…) Can U left E=MC2 some touching flour marks. According to Can U, E Sucks. Cum on Can U, we have known that for years!

 

 

We started out down Terrace St. past Shurs Lane. There was a check at the top of the hill and the marks were leading downwards. I was skeptical. First, I don’t trust Can U and second, what goes down must cum up in Manayunk. (Hopefully, it cums up after many, many beers)

 

We went down Cresson St, past the rectory, and through a park. Some wise locals commented that we must be on a scavenger hunt. I love the people in Manarox with above average intelligence. (Maybe it’s the predominance of the Penn State education.)

 

Then, we reached the stairs. I pretty much lost the rest of the pack at this point. I learned later that we lost Just Marcel, Virgin Pimp, and Beagle here too.

 

I plugged along with help from a well marked trail and some helpful neighbors. I followed the trail all the way up to the corner of Ridge Ave. and Walnut Lane and figured there was probably a beer check at Two Clump’s compound. So, sure enough, I found the pack sipping bevies at said abode.

 

When I got there, I learned that a few folks were missing. We did a Mickey Mouse roll call and learned that Beagle, Virgin Pimp, and Just Marcel were missing.

 

I decided to head out and look for Marcel the Albanian. He is not from the country and is more susceptible than the other two, to being lost. Before I left, I learned that Sausage had corrupted minors with frosty beverages at the Philly Marathon Beer check. (This our fearless leader…)

 

I ran into All Turd Boy on the way back to Ridge Ave. He was gracious enough to help finding our lost Albanian. I hung out at Ridge hoping he would stumble there eventually and to be honest I was lazy. After about 15 mins, we gave up and went back to the bar. On the way back, I heard a confusing tale from All Turd Boy about some gay hash activity. I figured that was pretty normal for the sausage infested hash and blew it off. (Yes, that was the best I could do…) 

 

Well, ATB and I got back to the bar and soon learned that Can U had already been reamed out by some of the bar staff for his charming flour marks. E received another message from Can U back at the bar E Eat Me (like pac man, the big E eats the small Eat Me)

 

We were planning on having the circle there, but the bar manager/owner was peeved that we left the flour marks outside. Then, he didn’t want us to make too much noise in his establishment. After a few minutes of failed negotiation by Sausage and Rear Engineer, we decided to go to T. Hogans. (Mmm, one of my favorites and land of the yummy, yummy fried food washed down by some cheap beer)

 

I guess some of the local patrons must have been offended by said flour. It never ceases to amaze me how uptight and shortsighted people can be about something as innocuous as flour. If our chilly welcome at the Old Eagle isn’t evidence enough, the Ikea incident in CT is well enough proof.

 

After all of this, we were still missing the Albanian. Can U and E went on a search for our foreigner. Since we were relocating, Sloppy Ho left him a note on his colorful pink and purple huffy bike.

 

So, do do do, do do do, Wayne’s World Style to T. Hogan’s….15-20 minutes later… the pack recommenced. Still, we were missing the Albanian.

 

We began to get beer from the super slow, but at least friendly and accommodating T Hogan’s crew.

 

Soon, our RA started the circle. Right as we started the circle, crisis was averted and the Albanian was found! He eventually found his way back to the bar and was rescued by the brave Can U and E.

 

Hare: Can U Hear Me Now

 

Virgins/Visitors: Just Bill, Just Mike, Yak in the Box (well all transplants really)

 

First In – Virgin Pimp (he didn’t make it past the stairs)

Last In – Just Marcel, the Albanian

 

Auto hashers – Fire Down Under, Bumble Beaver, Just Kyle

 

Long Time No See’ers – Bumble Beaver

 

Sloppy accused 2 Clump of being a racist. When he left the Old Eagle, Two Clump was sure to mention how dark it was in Manayunk

 

E accused Rear Engineer and Sausage for not being able to have the circle at the Old Eagle

 

Can U accused Sloppy Ho for dancing like something…

 

Sausage – Accused Elmo of spilling a pitcher of beer. If this isn’t bad enough, he spilled another pitcher later in the night

 

Someone accused Can U of being kicked out of the Old Eagle before everyone got there

 

Elmo accused Rear Engineer and Holy Fuck of something I didn’t hear because you people don’t shut up during circle.

 

Sloppy Ho accused Just Marcel drank for getting a ride from his parents to the Pre-labor day hash.

 

I was accused of new shoes, but I had in fact worn them before, even to a BFM. (but maybe I bit the bullet on that one)

There were no more accusations much to Sloppy’s chagrin, but E was a happy camper. I think more than one accusation is too much for E.

 

Cause is out on date? We guess?

 

Elmo went on a rant. What else is new?

 

Things happening in 2007…

 

Sloppy has been part of the BFM for one year. (High leg kick please…)

Elmo accused her of being a pain in the ass for one year

 

Sept 15^th – Sausage and Soft Core Anal-ist are haring Philly Hash, check e-mail

 

Next Thursday at the BFM is 80s Night at the New Wave Café, there will be prizes for the best 80s attire

 

The Thursday after that is the first night of the Trifecta at Drinkers in Olde City (same weekend is the Full Moon and the Philly 1550^th)

 

If you are on the Philly e-mail list, the mismanagement of the Philly Hash wants money for the 1550^th. Bring it to Saturday’s hash. (If this message doesn’t compel you or you ignore it, check out the multiple e-mails in your inbox)

 

Bumble/Taranew One – Roller Derby – Sept 15^th

 

Elmo and mysterious others are going to McFadden’s at the ballpark Friday the 7th to drink during and right outside the Phillies game but not in the Phillies game. (Buying a ticket is so overrated) This is probably good - when the relief pitching chokes again, he can actually drink a fairly decent priced beer and get some free shots from the shot girls.

Things that are happening next year….

 

Ski Trip – Feb 2008

Phillies Tailgate 2008 – Date TBD

 

 

Elmo spilled a second pitcher of beer - Giving new meaning to the word sloppy drunk

Someone accused him of taking over from Winkie. (Note: spell check called him Winkle) He admitted that as a result his penis had, in fact, become smaller.

 

Horse Whacker asked for the men’s room. I guess the ladies room was too stinky.

 

Can U apparently has two piercings, one on each butt cheek. The piercings are used for a potential lover to grab when they want to “cum in”. We also heard about the anal herpes that he received from Meat. Lick Hymen was missing this evening, did he cum down with a case? Can U and Meat are you getting around again?  

 

Someone started to sing Ice Ice Baby. As a result, Mayor Gumby provided us with a nice rendition. (Without the spiky hair and the bad dancing)

 

We lost the Albanian again during the night. We were going to send Horse Whacker to find him in the men’s bathroom.

 

NFL Football season is officially back! (Go Bills! And Go E A G L E S! Screw the rest of your teams - unless they have a player on one of my fantasy teams)

The Colts kicked the crap out of the Saints. Addai has a slew of points for my fantasy team. Ok – yes – I admit it – I have a football problem.

 

 

RE - “Did you say you’d suck her dick for her?”

UHA - “Sure, maybe later”

2 Clump – “What’s a dick fer?”

 

When lights suddenly turned on at Hogan’s

UHA – “Ahh, you really look like that!”

2 Clump – “Do you know how many times I have heard that?”

 

On, on, YFF

 

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I’m sitting at work realizing it’s Thursday already [crap. didn’t do the trash.], and despite “real work” deadlines [my boss is out today], I wouldn’t want to disappoint you fine hashers [whiney bitches] by not having the trash. Thinking ONLY of your best interests [don’t wanna drink for it later], I’ve pushed everything else aside [checking MySpace and lunch at the sushi bar], locked my door [doesn’t actually have a lock], held all my calls [no one's called so far. I am important. Really.].   The problem is my memory [drunk] and my handwriting [again, DRUNK] on this tiny notepad I borrowed last week from Europee’n [also drunk], along with the fact that Lick Hymen [gay] was not there and I can’t pepper the trash with random observations and innuendoes about him [sure can]. Bear with me.

 

The Mob flocked to Skin Fiddle’s for his annual pre-Labor Day hash last week…mostly for the famous chicken wings and fine beer selection. Why is there a holiday to celebrate Labor anyway?     

 

Who came earlier: Skin Fiddle, Hold The Sausage, Sloppy Ho, Europee’n on Me, Holy Fuck, Likes the Hard One, Sly Fox, Popeye’s Bitch, Just Alison, Well Hung Jury, Fire Down Under, 2 Clump Chump, Teen Beat, Rear Engineer, Scamming Old Ladies, Lunar Digit, Mulva, Fiber Opdick, Soft Core Anaylyst, Virgin Pimp, Where’s My Vagina?, The S&M Man, Jingle Ballzzz, Allturd Boy Just Jon, Major Piece of Ass, Festering Beanie Baby, Just Dan, Just Kyle, Just Brian, Just Marcel, Allturd Boy, Anal Proboner, Cause for Blindness, E=My Cock Squared, Strap On, The Horse Whacker, Son of a Goat Fucker.

 

Who came later: Scooby Snatch, Nice Nuggets…Fat Ass, Nappy Headed Ho, Sloppy Ass Kisser, Just Meg, Up Her Ali, Tickle My Elmo, She Man, Deep Flute, Beagle, Fruit of the Clue, Bastard Child, The Rash, Pelvis has Left the Building, Mr Snuffleupamuff.

 

It seemed like we had as many guests and virgins as our regulars. There was limited space in Fiddle’s courtyard, so many hashers waited on the sidewalk for the chalk talk as a giant can of “OFF” was being passed around to help ward off “alleged” bugs.   As people were slathering the shit on, I couldn’t help but notice how great this bug spray smelled, like a fine French parfum. Or Loves Baby Soft, as Anal Proboner suggested.   Teen Beat agreed: “Smells like a teenage girl perfume.” To which 2 Clump questioned the visitor: “Whoa…did you just say it smells like a teenage girl?”   I waved the can away, but Friday morning, with bites down my legs, I wished I’d stunk like a teenage girl that night too.

 

The Mob volunteered Virgin Pimp as the hare and then told newcomer Where’s My Vagina? to go with him. We felt a little badly about it afterwards, sending her off alone with Pimp, plus the fact she’s from San Francisco and probably had no clue where she was.    There was no inclination that this would become the latest hash match. “I’m guessing they are not hooking up,” someone said.

 

Sloppy Ho commenced the “chalk talk” and some of our visitors and virgins were brought into the circle, including Just Dan who Likes the Hard One (aww…), Just Marcel from the Albania HHH, Scamming Old Ladies from Tokyo and St Louis … apparently he was involved in several pyramid schemes, and Teen Beat from Reading HHH.   We could see a limping figure in the distance heading for our circle, who we soon recognized as Cause for Blindness. She excitedly announced that her purple cast had been removed (from her drunk dock jumping/flipping incident at Mayor Quimby’s party, in case you’ve been in a coma or dark hole the past month). She now has a black moon boot.

 

We gave the hares another 5 minutes after chalk talk, and then the pack was off, wafting of eau de teenage girl.    We came to our first check a block away, which looked more like a “Y.”   Could be a San Francisco thing. The Mob ran toward Spring Garden and made it across with the stealthiness of Frogger.  But the trail immediately disappeared and we had to backtrack across this street finding trail headed toward the right .  I should note that this is one of the many times the trail changed direction with no check or arrow.  “This is terrible – no one puts checks anymore!” Popeye’s Bitch wailed.   A block later we lost trail again… a pattern that would keep repeating.  

 

We ran around the block and saw a lovely little bar that would be perfect for an impromptu beer check called the Green Room, but no one was willing to give it up just yet.   Some drunk guy stumbled out of the bar and noticed us standing there looking all athlete-like and stuff.  “All you marathon people… assalamalegum!”    That’s how he pronounced it. I’m not even going to bother spell-checking.   We soon picked up trail going toward Spring Garden again… wait… this is the exact same block we just ran down a minute ago!   Even so, we continued over Spring Garden AGAIN, looking like fools, with no trail in site. 

 

The Mob then found something even better than flour or anthrax… a live hare!   Yes, Virgin Pimp had indeed lost his Vagina on trail, and looked completely flabbergasted when the Mob caught up to him.   The question was… Where is My Vagina? “Has anyone seen My Vagina?”  We stood on the street corner for a while yelling these and other variations…with no reply.  Our words disappeared into the gaping dark hole of the night.  Obviously Virgin Pimp was inexperienced at finding Vagina, so he was of no use to us.

 

Standing on the corner, we made the executive decision to head back to the Green Room for a beer check, but as soon as we took off, we were immediately averted by Rear Engineer. “On left!” he yelled as he cut across our path.   We followed him for exactly a block until the trail dead-ended once again. Ok, now can we go?  

 

On the way to the bar, 2 Clump Chump speculated that the dead ended trail could have been from last week.   Rear Engineer disagreed: “I swear that was a fresh clump.”   “He knows his Clumps,”  2 Clump said, confirming what I believe we already knew.  

 

When you lose your Vagina, you go drink beer. There were lots of drunks in The Green Room tonight…our initial assessment that they would have “cheap pitchers” due to the blue collar appearance of the place and the patrons, turned out to be waaaay off!   Thankfully, Virgin Pimp (reluctantly), Jingle Ballzzz and Teen Beat fronted the 100 bucks we needed to cover it.   We stayed at the bar for a pretty long while to give Skin Fiddle more time alone with Cause for Blindness back at the house. And to cook chicken wings.

 

Eventually E=MyCockSquared strolled in the bar. Of course he’d actually found the trail when 30 of us couldn’t.   Of course he’d already run the entire thing. And naturally, he managed to find us at this random unscheduled beer check, in a bar that had no marks in front of it indicating we’d be inside.   It’s a little creepy how he does this.   Also creepy = Virgin Pimp apparently getting his “game on” with some chick at the bar.   According to 2 Clump, “It’s like watching turtles having sex on the nature channel. It’s disgusting, but you just can’t look away.” 

 

Even creepier … Fiber Opdick and Popeye getting cozy in a bench, supposedly talking about “chicks,” as Fiber playfully kisses Popeye’s cheek.   When we finally left the bar, Popeye expressed his growing concern over being the object of Fiber Opdick’s affection: “There’s funny… and then there’s you’ve-done-it-so-many-times-I’m-beginning-to-wonder.”  At that moment Fiber ran up behind him and pinched his butt. “Guys don’t feel each other up. It’s not normal!” Popeye scolded him.

 

We were happy to find our Vagina unscathed back at Skin Fiddle’s house. There were also a ton of late-comers, lazy-asses, and autohashers, who didn’t go on trail and just came for the food and beer. I was starving and grabbed a hot dog from Skin Fiddle’s grill before I had to record this latest list of people.   Hmm… where do you hold your hot dog when you are writing the trash? “In my butt,” Tickle My Elmo responded to my rhetorical question. Wrong answer. 

 

Some of the crowd spilled in from the courtyard into Skin Fiddle’s living area/bedroom to watch TV.  2 Clump wanted it noted in the trash that he thinks Skin Fiddle stole his modular chairs from a dorm room. Not nice to comment on the host’s décor! But I will make a note of the very suspicious yellow stain on the ceiling above the bed.   “I call that ‘Nice shot!’” said 2 Clump.  Skin Fiddle agreed it was a very good night for him and himself. 

 

Hares: 

Virgin Pimp, Where’s My Vagina?   The first block was great!

 

 

Just Marcel from Albania … told a joke but needed a translator for us to understand it

Scamming Old Ladies from Tokyo (Domo Arigato!)… told a joke about parsley and pussy

Teen Beat from Reading told a joke about a virgin and something that looks like “baker” in my notes.

 

Autohashers:

She Man, Deep Flute, Just Meg, Sloppy Ass Kisser, Nappy Headed Ho, Beagle, Cause for Blindness, Just Kyle, Bastard Child, Tickle My Elmo, The Rash, Fruit of the Clue … more walked in after circle was closed

 

Cums Lately:

 

Anal Proboner accused Just Jon of threatening someone with a golden shower

 

Sloppy Ho accused Skin Fiddle of hosting a BBQ with “not enough gas”

 

2 Clump Chump accused Skin Fiddle of furnishing his apartment with dorm room furniture.   “He didn’t go to college!” The Rash countered.

 

Sloppy Ho accused 2 Clump Chump of “calling the kettle black”.  

 

Soft Core Anal-ist accused Europee’n On Me of “running squarely into a parking meter.”

 

Europee’n on Me accused Soft Core Anal-ist of wearing new sneakers. 

 

Holy Fuck accused Fiber Opdick of molesting Popeye.   At some point it IS gay.

 

Teen Beat accused latecomer Nice Nuggets…Fat Ass of “forcing a little boy not to come tonight”.   Nuggets had to then explain the The best part was E=MC2 yelling “Do it in Scooby’s voice… It’s funnier!”  Scooby showed up later for the record. Sans beard and goatee.

 

Tickle My Elmo accused Anal Proboner of being a lawyer for IKEA,which is apparently (but not in reality according to Just Jon) suing the hashers that laid flour in their parking lot in New Haven….

 

…and when one IKEA employee drinks… Just Jon drank.

 

 

Philly Full Moon Hash is September 21st… check out the web site.  

 

Happy Hour at TenStone last Friday … sorry if you missed it or Bob and Barbara’s afterwards!

 

Circle was closed and the keg was being violently pumped indicating festivities may soon be coming to an end. Concerned for the safety of my car on a nearby block (yes, it’s still a “transitional” area), and my hangover in the morning, I headed out after 2 more wings, and a handful of chips.  

 

The trash is complete hours before the hash. I did it all for you.

 

 

 

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