BFM #201 – Do Ravens have tryptophan?

Posted on December 28, 2007

There’s a widely held belief that eating turkey will cause drowsiness due to tryptophan (cheddar cheese and milk actually have more tryptophan than turkey). Its actually not true, it’s the carbohydrate-rich foods that one has with turkey that causes the drowsiness due to an (indirect) mechanism*, increasing the production of sleep-promoting serotonin and melatonin in the brain.
 
A very laid-back mob slowly trickled into The Raven and as I was getting the straws together, Softcore Analyst said, “Don’t bother with that, I’ll hare. Son of a Goat Fucker then volunteered to co-hare. Sweet! I tucked the straws into my backpack and went back to my beer.
 
Who came:
2 Clump Chump, 3 Balls, Anal Pro-boner, Ass Sweat, Bumble Beaver, Europee’n on Me, E = My Cock2, Fiber Opdick, Horse Whacker, Midnight Tranny to GA, Nappy-Headed Ho, Just Kim, Tight Lips, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Rear Engineer, Son of a Goat Fucker, Softcore Analyst, Strap-on, Just Chad, Just Dev
 
I followed the co-hares outside and said that we were going to give them a good 10-minute start since, despite the fact that it was 20:02, the mob was still trickling in. They informed me that they were planning a beer check at, what Softcore Analyst referred to as: “the bar with the lesbian on the wall.” I said, “Ok.” and walked back inside. It then occurred to me, “Wait, lesbians?  Where exactly are they going?” I must have been having serotonin / melatonin issues as well because I casually ran it by Anal Proboner and she said, “Lesbian is on the wall…the picture of He’s a Lesbian…Callahan’s.”  "Duh, right.  That place," I think to myself.  :: she rolls her eyes ::
 
Remember the old Faberge shampoo commercial where the female hair model tells a friend about her shampoo and the voice-over states “and she tells a friend and so on and so on and so on…” yea, well, instead of shampoo, it was about the beer check. By the time I circled people up, no more than 4 minutes later, everyone knew the beer check was at Callahan’s.
 
Let me just say this: I’m an on-sec, hash flash, and hash cash, but while I’ve got a big mouth, I’m certainly no RA. Thankfully, there were no virgins and so I was able to get us through circle super quick. Phew. On out!
 
I’m sure Softcore and Son did a great job of laying trail but given the fact the mob knew where the beer check was, most either totally ignored or partially ignored trail. Bumble Beaver and I followed part of the mob over on 19th street but when we realized they were short-cutting, we figured the hares would head through Rittenhouse Park and so we headed down Walnut and saw the rest of the mob on the other side of the park on 18th street.
 
We caught up to them at Spruce Street and then then they turned back around. Bumble and I figured we’d head up Spruce and meet up with the mob again. No luck. We attempted to find trail but were unable to until 24th and South Sts. By then we were two blocks from the beer check and headed in.
 
It was damn hot in Callahan’s and spent most of my time trying to cool down, while catching up with Heave Ho. After the pitchers were gone, we headed back out and down 26th street and up Lombard. We turned down 25th street and made a left into the Schukyll Park at the check. A freight train was coming down the tracks and most of us hesitated and then r*n across the tracks into the park. Heave Ho and I were too busy chatting that we r*n about 1/10 mile before we realized that we weren’t on trail and the entire mob was following us! Oops! We all headed up the stairs and headed down Walnut street. We r*n down 23rd street and I broke off from the mob and headed up Samson to find myself an ATM, all the while hearing “on-on!” parallel to me on Chestnut street. I found my money tree and ran into the mob at 18th and Samson and we headed on-in.
 
Again, I’m not an RA so I was happy to have E and Rear present so I wouldn’t be forced to run circle. E said he was feeling very mellow and that if Rear wanted to step up, he was cool with it. So a 2008 nomination for RA, Rear Engineer (learn those songs, buddy!), stepped up to the plate.
 
Trail:    Not enough:  falses, straight running, beer checks, bums, trains
 
Hare(s):
  • Softcore Analyst
  • Son of a Goat Fucker

Visitor(s):         Ass Sweat (from Diego Garcia)

First In:            Anal Proboner  (she totally short-cutted tho!)
 
Last In:            E = My Cock2
 
Virgins:            none
 
Auto-hashers:
Cums Lately:
Accusations:
Announcements:
 
The rest of the evening was laid back- everyone chatting about their holidays, plans for new year’s eve and generally catching up with one another. There certainly wasn’t a lot of beer consumption either but the mob seemed hungry so Rear Engineer ordered three HUGE pizzas which were inhaled within 10 minutes. Shortly after that, this on-sec called it a night.
 
 
On-on, bitches!
Europee’n on Me
 
 
 
 
* Carbohydrate rich meals will increase the amount of insulin in your blood which will then absorb other amino acids into the muscles but not the tryptophan. The tryptophan is then absorbed into the central nervous system and converted into serotonin and melatonin in the brain making you sleepy…in a nutshell.
 

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BFM #200 – The official 200th hash and The Festival of Lights

Posted on December 26, 2007

So I was supposed to go to my firm’s holiday party. As I sat at my desk, already feeling the holiday work slowdown, I thought, “Do I really want to go and make small talk with a bunch of people I don’t know, or do I want to head out with my hash friends for a night in which I’m guaranteed a good time?” Um, yea, that’s a no-brainer. I called our secretary and told her “something came up” and I wouldn’t be able to make the party. Game on.
 
Jingle Ballzzz and I approached Johnny Bears.  There, hanging on the exterior wall, was a huge banner announcing the “Dart champions 2005, 2006.”  Jingle and I looked at each other.  "Huh."  We walked inside, got ourselves settled, and were greeted by several linebacker-sized men who were a part of said dart team responsible for the banner.  Apparently, they had been talking to the bartender and were very curious about the “running club” that was coming in to share their bar.  I chatted with one of the men and gave him our motto, our mantra of sorts, and he replied in a rather confused manner, “So you drink beer and run?”  "Why else would we run?" I said.  I guess he was impressed because he turned to his friend and announced, “Hey, these guys drink and run!”  He and his dart friends then broke into song.  With that, Major Piece of Ass handed me a beer and said, “Happy Holidays!”  See, guaranteed good time.
 
Who came:
Company Cock, E = My Cock2, Europee’n on Me, Fruit of the Clue, Hold the Sausage, Holy Fuck, Horse Whacker, Mulva, Jingle Ballzzz, Likes the Hard One, Skin Fiddle, Sly Fox, Stacks, Cherry Poppins, Just Joel, Up Her Ali, Just Stephanie, Just Kim, Yack in the Box, Principle Fuck-up, Tight Lips, Big Tackle, Major Piece of Ass, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Rear Engineer, Scooby Snatch, Sloppy Ho, Strap-on, Virgin Pimp, Just Jessica, Just Mike, Just Marcel, Just Roy
 
Jingle and I had dropped our gear in a corner next to a highly illuminated snack machine that seemed to be beckoning incoming hashers like moths to a porch light.  It was very Darwinian.  One “starving” hasher would insert their money for an over-priced, tasty snack and the crinkling of the snack bag seemed to represent Darvin’s bell because another hasher would then line up to pay out for a snack.
 
By this time it was 20:12 (8:12pm for those of you not down with international time) and the bar was now full of hashers and dart throwers alike, but no hare.  Mismanagement looked at one another.  Had our hare gotten lost in the land of holiday lights?  Was she drunk on holiday spirit, laying in a gutter somewhere, unable to crawl back?  :: Dramatic pause ::   No.  Hold the Sausage informed us that the hare was a block and a half away.  Guess LIttle Red Riding Wood was just having too much fun laying trail.
 
We ventured outside and our RA, Sloppy Ho, circled us up.  She announced our 200th trail would be the Festival of Lights and questioned, “What more could you want?” to which someone in the mob replied, “a blow job!”  Maybe it was that comment or maybe they had better things to do but when Sloppy called the virgins into circle, the virgin I met at the beginning, Just Jessica, was nowhere to be seen.  So, with formalities behind us, the mob was finally off…or were we?  I’m not quite sure what happened next.  It could have been snack food coma, lack of motivation or visions of blowjobs dancing through a few heads, but the check hanging and standing around lasted 8 minutes (yea, I timed it, bitches)!  Finally an On-on! was heard and we were, at last, off!
 
We r*n, saw holiday lights, r*n some more, I tripped and Fruit of the Clue broke my fall, we saw more holiday lights, Fruit of the Clue tripped and wiped out (I was behind him so i couldn’t break his fall, only watch him go down), and we r*n some more.
 
As we passed, what I can only make out in my sloppy notes as, the “Strichitizd” church, we came across a familiar face- Big Tackle, hands in his pockets, casually strolling along checking out the lights.  We shouted our hello’s and continued along, through a pedestrian tunnel, under 76 and into suburbia in the middle of Philly.  Seriously, crossing under the expressway was like crossing into the Twilight Zone.  As we r*n along, Mulva remarked that the reason she wanted to move back into the city was to get out of the suburbs and yet, here we were- in the middle of a housing development full of brick colonial townhouses, two car garages, cul-de-sacs and well-manicured yards with light-up reindeer.  If someone would have blindfolded me, tossed me in a car, drove me around and then dropped me off here, I would have swore I was in the middle of Bucks County.
 
At the back-end of this development was our beer check where the mob happily sipped Dinkle Acker and Prima Pils beers while I watched Horse Whacker tie Mr. Snuffleupamuff’s hoodie in double knots so only his eyes and nose were visible.  Huh, I guess he was cold; I know I was. We tossed our empty bottles into the construction dumpster and the mob was off.
 
We rounded a corner and a big boxer came bouncing across the street and began running with us.  Hearing someone calling for the dog, Horse Whacker and I stopped and tried to get the dog to come to us.  He wouldn’t.  We did notice that while he wouldn’t come up to us, he wouldn’t leave us either so we began walking towards the voice.  After a good 5 or so minutes of the dog’s owner calling and the dog ignoring him entirely, the puppy finally grew tired and ran into the house.
 
As we headed off, Virgin Pimp in tow, Horse Whacker remembered that she was supposed to untie Mr. Snuff’s hoodie. “Oh well” she said, “someone else will have to untie it for him.”  As we turned another corner, no holiday lights in sight, we were looking at the Wachovia center in front of us.  A quick turn down an alley and we were running along side Chickie and Pete’s.  We headed back under 76 and back into the real world of typical South Philly neighborhoods.  At some point, Horse Whacker and I managed to misplace Virgin Pimp and we r*n up and then over on Broad Street back to Shunk (who names a street Shunk anyway?). Hell, we figured we’d probably have to drink for being DFL.  Oh well, Jingle drove me so I wasn’t too concerned.
 
Back at Johnny’s the mob mingled outside.  I’m not sure why because it was damn cold out.  However, someone opened the door, and there in the doorway, was Mr. Snuffleupamuff dancing like he was on an audition to be a Solid Gold dancer.  I guess he was the reason everyone was outside?  But then I heard people say, “It’s too hot in there.” and “There are too many people in there.”  Standing there, I noticed Major Piece of Ass rejoin the mob.  Phew, we weren’t going to be DFL.  As we continued to mingle in temperatures that only Emperor Penguins prefer, the owner of Johnny Bear’s began to haul tables and chairs into the cold, night air.  One of those big linebackers stood behind me and remarked how accommodating Johnny was and that he’d allow for us to drink outside.  What?  Is he kidding?  Does he realize how cold it was?  With that a penguin walked by.
 
We stood around chatting, allowing Sloppy and Hold the Sausage to prepare for circle, and all at once we looked at each other and said, “Do you smell pot?”  Clearly, Johnny was VERY accommodating.
 
We circled up.
 
Sloppy addressed the mob, “Would someone please make out with Mr. Snuffleupamuff.  He was seen on-trail dry humping an inflatable animal in someone’s yard.”
 
Rear Engineer announced that his balls were inside his chest.
 

Trail:              Not enough Jesus, holiday lights, tripping and falling, urban shiggy,
                       inflatable stuffed animals.

Hare(s):        Little Red Riding Wood
 
Visitor(s):      Company Cock from Arizona who’s option was torturing us with the 
                        longest joke ever!
                       Just Roy from Philly who told us a joke about a bear while Major Piece of Ass
                       acted out the part of the bear
 
First In:          Company Cock
 
Last In:          Major Piece of Ass
                       Just Marcel, affectionately known as The Albanian
 
Virgins:
 
Auto-hashers:
 
Long Time No-seers:
 
Accusations:
 
Announcements:
 
We hung for a while in the cold, our fingers and toes going numb, while drinking beer, eating clementines and cheddar whale crackers, and getting a secondary high from the pot (those cheddar whales were coming in handy).  Finally, Little Red suggested heading to the Pub on Passyunk and so several of us went there, where The Albanian entertained us with bottle tricks and Mr. Snuff treated us to beer and tasty deep-fat-fried treats…into the wee hours.
 
 
On-on, bitches!
Europee’n on Me

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BFM #199. But we’ll call it 200 cause we can’t count.

Posted on December 20, 2007

Yay, it’s the BFM 200!!   And thanks to our Philadelphia Parking Authority I’m now in a FOUL MOOD after just finding a $41 ticket on my windshield after I came out of the liquor store with a bottle for the shot check.  Only gone for 6 minutes! With flashers on!  I drive off in a rage, dodging pedestrians and running red lights to make it to the New Deck in West Philly on time. Just TRY and ticket me again right now. I’m paranoid now that every parking spot is a trap, so I spend 15 minutes driving around West Philly trying to find “legitimate” parking.
 
It’s impossible to walk around in the New Deck with  all the people there.  I reeeally could use a beer but can’t get even close to the bar.  I’m not gonna name all the hashers who showed up because there were a lot.  And okay, so maybe I didn’t write them down.   But chances are if you did something stupid you will see your name in the trash or accusations.  If not, maybe you should try a little harder.  
 
CHALK TALK
 
Everyone put their bags in Fruit of the Clue’s bag car since this was an A to B trail. “Hope you have your ID with you!” Sloppy Ho announced.    “Aw FUCK,"  I heard FOTC whine. “It would have been good to say that before all the bags were packed in the car.”
 
We had 3 visitors and 3 virgins for this celebratory hash.   The visitors where given “the option” = Tell a joke/show a body part.    Not sure what part Frank Lloyd Thong showed, and I don’t remember hearing a joke. Flounder told a joke about one-legged women who eat at IHOP.  Indana Jones and the Temple of Poon sang a song that she wasn’t a house wife, she’s a wannabe whore. Who isn’t.
 
The trail had 3 legs…3 very uneven, sometimes wobbly, legs.
 
1st LEG – The really loooooong one.
 
We noticed off the bat that checks were marked with a ton of flour, like someone had taken the extra time to give each one a second or third coating. "Wow, you can’t miss that!”  Fire Down Under yelled.   “The hare is captain of the obvious”  someone replied. This would probably be the reason for the lack of marks during the latter part of the trail. 
 
“The trail went across Market and under the street through a subway tunnel.  Mmm….bum’s urine.   The rest of this leg took about 40 minutes of straight r*nning.   We crossed over the river twice with no reward.  We went down the XPN stairs under Walnut and came back up another set of stairs. 
 
“Where’s my fucking beer!”  Waaahh.  “I want food!”  Hashers began to whine.  I could hear the Wizard of Odds’ Christmas tie playing Silent Night over and over and over again as he ran next to me.  After what seemed to be an eternity, we came upon a shot oasis in a secret “nook” by a building on Penn campus. Was this a university sponsored event?
 
Up Her Ali waved us in for shots of brandied cider. “Sweet Jesus, that’s good!,” I heard someone remark. Yeah it cost fifteen bucks. Nothing but the best for you guys. The check gave the 3 breaks in the pack a chance to catch up to one another.
 
2nd LEG – Rock n Bowl
 
The few of us bringing up the rear (she said rear) packed up the shot check and headed back on trail through campus. We ran under a bunch of trees with non-denominational holiday balls hanging from all the branches.  Pretty.  I just love Christmahanakwanzika time.   We soon lost trail because the hares probably had expended their flour supply earlier. Oddly enough, we found Europeen On Me, who was just joining the hash. I’m still not sure how she found us at this exact spot near nowhere. 
 
We picked up trail again and arrived last at Strikes Bowling Lounge to find to rows of running sneakers lined up on top of the rental counter. The Mob had already taken over lane numbers 8-12 and would soon claim 6 and 7. Pitchers were flowing. I wondered how many hashers could actually bowl. I found out soon that hashers not = bowlers.
 
Popeye’s Bitch claimed he’d never done it in his life. And apparently he’d never bowled either. Sloppy Ho practiced her roll-thru-the-legs little kid method, which surprisingly worked about 50% of the time. We had many gutter balls. And many french fries. I looked at scores across the other lanes and they mostly ranged from the 40s to the low 100s.  I am the ball tonight.  I score a whopping 105. Up Her Ali rules our lane with a 116.  I can’t figure out how you can get a spare on a split.  It defies the rules of physics and logic.
 
As we are leaving the bowling alley,  S&M Man wants me to check out Lick Hymen playing foosball near the bar with a bunch of dudes. He suspects there may be something gay going on. We walk by nonchalantly and try to observe.  We do see that LH has now unbuttoned his shirt down to his naval, but that’s nothing new.  I’ll make a note of it anyway.  Heading over to Cavanaugh’s for the apres, I notice Target is staggering carrying a see-through cup of beer he had taken out with him.  And he is walking right past the cops.  BADASS.
 
3rd LEG – Cavanaugh’s basement
 
Small, but its all ours. And it’s decorated for the holidays. For some strange reason there’s a big massage recliner chair sitting by the bathrooms.   And of course it serves as a nice alternative for girls that don’t want Horny Hands putting his paws all over them. Sure why not? I sit down, but notice it takes dollar bills. Much to my surprise, Lick Hymen steps in and pops a dollar in for me.  He then proceeds to watch me get rubbed.  I am not fooled.
 
I brought the rest of the bottle of brandied cider into the girls’ room to see who wanted to polish it off.   Indiana Jones is more than happy to help; so is Bumble Beaver.   And when we walked out of the bathroom with the bottle, CYHMN snatched it out of my hand and sucked the rest of the shit down hard like, well….
 
The circle began…
 
HARES: 
 
Sloppy Ho, Up Her Ali, and Mayor Quimby (E=MyCockSquared stood in for him)
 
VIRGINS:
 
Mike – Made himself cum
Chad – Holy Fuck made him cum. 
Eric – Yak in the box made him come.

 

VISITORS:

Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon (Colombo Hash House Harriettes)
Flounder (Harrisburg/Hershey)
Assfinder (Colombo HHH)
 
ACCUSATIONS:
 
Scammin Ol Ladies accused Rear Engineer of having his testicle sucked up into his body. 
 
E=MyCockSquared accused Virgin Pimp of betting someone about another hasher’s circumcision status. He’s apparently done this once before, and yes, Lesbian confirms he is, ladies.
 
A hush came over the crowd as Son of A Goat Fucker entered the circle. “Shhhh… Goat Fucker speaks!”  they yelled. On this rare occasion he not only had one violation, he had 3:
 
1. Scooby for eating a “deliciouss smelling calzone” in the circle. Fair enough.
2. Fruit of the Clue for having a 26.2 sticker on his car. 
3. The best one was saved for last… A clueless Virgin Pimp apparently just asked Goat Fucker’s wife, Just Liz, out on a date. They’ve only been married a few months, Pimp, she may be more willing in a year or so.
 
Just Liz tried to violate “her” (pointing to Cause) for something, but Im not sure what. The violation was shot down.
 
He’s a Lesbian accused Fire Down Under of not knowing what 26.2 was. 
 
JingleBallzzz said he was very intimidated by Wizard of Odds holiday tie. “I can’t keep up – I shake my ass.”  
 
There was a toast to everyone who bowled over 100… and then to the many more who bowled under 50.
 
 
NAMING/LAMING:
 
Sloppy then called Just Brian into the circle for his official laming.
 
Well, he looks like Kramer. He hangs out with a bunch of girls, rolling donkey (yeah, I have no clue – is that like rolling a joint?). He went to GA Tech where he cross-dressed on occasion.
Ugga ugga would ya?
Kramer I just met her
Kramer I don’t even know her
Got herpes?
Mangina
Colonel Angus
Midnite Tranny to Georgia!   May need to abbreviate that one for your necklace.
 
 
BIRTHDAY SIDE-SIDE:
 
“Where’s The Rash? There’s a birthday in the house!”   Sloppy yelled.
 
“That was last week,” The Rash replied.
 
So whose is it?  Sloppy asked the crowd.  
 
Finally, Fire Down Under was pushed forth amidst the confusion and given her birthday side-side.   
 
BFM FOUNDERS CHUG
 
The founders of the BFM were called up to chug for creating one BIG FUCKING MESS:
Self Service (now Baltimore/Annapolis), E=MyCockSquared, Strap On, Can You Hear Me Now, and Cunting Season (“She doesn’t count! E yelled)
 
 
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
 
E=MyCockSquared- There will be a hash in city on New Years Day around the parade in South Philly
The Rash – December 21, Philly Full Moon Ice Skating Hash
Rear Engineer – My second ball just dropped out of my body
Strap On – Philly Hash in Chesterbrook Saturday 3pm (this has since passed so don’t show up this weekend)
CYHMN – "I bowled three strikes in a row and got a 132. Beat that!"
Sloppy Ho – Next week’s hash is the South Philly Holiday Lights run. Be there or bah humbug.
Cause for Blindness is still single.
 
 
The night continued with loads of pitchers and Cause groping men.  Several of us then headed over to the “on-after” at an all-night diner across the street for a full 10-course breakfast.  After we absorbed the booze, I made it back to my car to find a familiar site on my windshield.  Wow, this one’s only 26 bucks…bargain!
 
On, on!
Holy Fuck
 

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BFM Hash #198 – Festivus: The Bar Crawl for the Rest of Us

Posted on December 7, 2007

 

Ahh, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. No, it’s not the Christmas lights, the Hanukkah dreidels, or the long lines at the mall; it’s Festivus. You know, the holiday for the rest of us. If you don’t get the Seinfeld reference, find it on the internet. I am not getting it for you this time, bitches!

 
Or maybe… I will cave like I usually do and get you the link….
 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Festivus
 
Remember – The Festivus Pole, the Airing of the Grievances, and Feats of Strength. (Hint: these will come back later!)
 
The “trail” aka the “crawl”
 
Hold the Sausage, our grand mistress, posted the slew of bars for the week. I got my drinking liver on. I was going to need it.
 
1st Stop - Paddy’s
 
I walked in and many of the mob had already gathered to join the festivities. They were mainly on time for once. It’s funny, without the threat of the short straw and with the threat of a lot of beer, people show up on time.
 
The early crowd consisted of:
S&M Man, Fire Down Under, Lick Hymen, Soft Core Anal-ist, Snap Off, Snap Off’s brother, Up Her Ali, Attila the Hung, Rear Engineer, Mayor Quimby, She Man, Deep Flute, Just Arshna, Cherry Poppins, Cause for Blindness, Bastard Child, Yack in the Box, Jingle Balzzz, Just Dev, Snip and Tuck, My SnuffupyourMuffDude, Snip and Tuck, Hold the Sausage, Cunting Season, The Rash, Well Hung Jury, Sloppy Ho, Just Jen, Just , Just Joel  and a lot of people who I didn’t know. I think the “Justs” were more numerous than the named hashers.
 
Paddy’s is SO small. I got shoved by some old cranky guy about four times trying to write down the hash names. I guess the bar folks were onto the Feats of Strength. To get from the back to the front, the best way is to go outside using the back door and walk in the front door. So much for the fastest way is a straight line theory.  
 
I spoke to some Comes Latelys I hadn’t seen in a while. Deep Flute and She Man got all knocked up in the last few months. They even have the photographic evidence. It’s a hash baby made by two hashers on purpose, not by accident!
 
Holy F*ck and Just Arshna tormented me with their warm puffy coats. I so want one. I can’t deal with this cold stuff anymore. I know I am Buffalo, I am just weak.
 
The mob got the on call and headed out.
 
I was handed the hash Festivus hymnal sheets by The Rash and began to pass them out. That Rash can skirt responsibility better than Sub Human’s Philly Hash mismanagement.
 
We basically walked across the street to Florist Street, which is under the Ben Franklin Bridge. Florist is a sweet name but actually is an evil, cursed street. My car got broken into (nothing was taken) and my ex-boyfriend sprained his ankle walking to his car (it gave him something to bitch about). I was worried that on this night someone else would succumb to the cursed nature of this street.
 
2nd Stop - Beer Check!
Scene: Florist St. Mayor Quimby’s car under the Ben Franklin Bridge
 
The pack huddled around two cases of beer. Considering it was below freezing, this was the warmest beer I have ever drunk at a beer check. Wait…no…the Solsta$$ also had some warm ass check beer.
 
We then began our joyous Festivus carols…Jingle Balzzz started us off with, you know, Jingle Balls. Here is the tune:
 
Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to run around naked in this way,
Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to run round naked Christmas day.

Dashing round the block, not wearing any dacks,
One hand on your cock, to give your balls more slack,
Bouncing up and down as we run to and fro,
We’ll jingle with our genitals wherever we may go.
(Repeat first verse running in place with hands on crotches)

 
I really liked this one as well…
 
Melody - Winter Wonderland

Lacy things, the wife is missin’,
Didn’t ask for her permission,
I’m wearin her clothes_silk panty hose,
Walkin’ round in womens’ underwear.

In the store, there’s a teddy
Little straps, like spaghetti
It holds me so tight, like handcuffs at night
Walkin’ round in womens’ underwear.

In the office there’s a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown,
He’ll say are you ready, I’ll say whoa man,
Let’s wait until the wife is out of town.

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress like Madonna,
Put on some eye shade and join the parade
Walkin’ round in womens’ underwear.

Lacy things the wife is missin’,
Didn’t ask for her permission,
I’m wearin her clothes_silk panty hose,
Walkin’ round in womens’ underwear.
Walkin’ round in womens’ underwear.
Walkin’ round in womens’ underwear

 
For the most part, the mob was between bad singing and laughing. Sloppy was giddy as I have ever seen her as she sang her carols!
 
Mayor Quimby was trying to get rid of the two 30 packs of beer. The best way I know how to get rid of beer quickly is to have people shotgun. So, a brave group of male hashers with their manhood threatened, shotgunned. At some point during this, Snap Off’s purse was drenched by an errant beer.
 
It was already starting to get messy.
 
Scooby thought Market Street was North. (Just like a hasher to go the wrong direction)
 
We discussed Philly’s Bonnie and Clyde. I mean, couldn’t they have thrown the hash some parties? I would have been totally cool with their stealing in that case. Plus, why didn’t my dad get me fake boobs for a present. Damn it! Oh, BTW – watch your sh*t. These two are a role model for us all. Jingle Balzz and I are going to dedicate ourselves to a life of crime while taking bad, cheesy, and decadent pictures that will be forever posted on philly.com.
 
http://www.philly.com/philly/hp/news_update/12240646.html
 
The pack dreamed up the name “Potty Queen” as a hash name on the way to Sugar Mom’s. I retorted it would be funnier if the name was “R Kelly’s Potty Queen”. This for his infamous pissing on chics habit. Chapelle does a really funny video parody of this, check it…
 
http://www.bofunk.com/video/3079/dave_chapelle_r_kelly.html
 
3rd Stop – Sugar Mom’s
Ahh, the mom’s we can still go to. The mob piled in a was treated to a slew of PBR pounders. More brave souls met us at this bar. Little Red Riding Wood, Heave Ho, Fruit of the Clue, Skin Fiddle, Just Brian Duffy, Popeye’s Bitch, Bumble Beaver, Bumble Beaver’s friend and the Albanian!! (and everyone else who trickled in)
 
At some point, Strap On and E waltzed in fashionably late with the Festivus Pole! Now the trifecta of Festivus was complete.
 
Holy F*ck took a night off from trash and took a turn as the photo mistress. I don’t know about you, but I was in some damn embarrassing pictures. I remember humping and licking the Festivus pole. The pole is a slut. It got more action than Wilt Chamberlain or Scooby.
 
Somewhere in here Rear Engineer took her camera and took a picture of his balls. Later, we were discussing men in stalls laughing at themselves. What do the people in the other stalls think?
 
4th Stop - Shot Check in an Alley! (my favorite)
Scene: The alley next to Lucy’s.
There was some schnapps goodness in tiny cups. I am pretty sure She Man and someone else drank most of these. This made me worry that he might fall asleep standing up in the alley.
 
I did an impromptu poll if people were pukers or pass-outers. Surprisingly, with my small sample size, there were a lot of pukers in the bunch. That could explain the smell outside the bars when I leave the hash. There were also a lot of booters and ralliers. This might come in handy with the way this bar crawl was going.
 
Strap On and others molested the Festivus pole. It’s getting hot in herre, so take off all your clothes!
 
Check out the lyrics by 50 cent. I triple dog dare you to make this into a Festivus song!
Hot in…..
So hot in heerre…..
So hot in…..
Oh
(Quiet background voice)
Wan’ a lil bit of uh uh and a lil bit of.
(Wan’ a lil bit of uh uh just a lil bit of.
Wan’ a lil bit of uh uh just a lil bit of.)
(Nelly)
(Uh) I was like, good gracious ass is bodacious
Oh, flirtacious, tryin to show patience
I’m waitin’ for the right time to shoot my steez (you know)
Waitin’ for the right time to flash them keys
Then um I’m leavin, please believin (oh)
Me and the rest of my heathens
Check it, got it locked at the top of the four seasons
Penthouse, roof top, birds I feedin
No deceivin, nothin up my sleeve and, no teasin
I need you to get up up on the dance floor
Give that man what he askin for (oh)
Cuz I feel like bustin loose and I feel like touchin you (uh uh)
And can’t nobody stop the juice so baby tell me whats the use
(Hook 2x)
(I said)
Its gettin hot in here (so hot)
So take off all your clothes (eh)
(Background voice: uh uh uh uh uh)
I am gettin to hot, I wanna take my clothes off
(repeat)
(Nelly)
Why you at the bar if you ain’t poppin the bottles (come on)
What good is all the fame if you aint fuckin the models
I see you drivin, sportscar, aint hittin the throttle
And I be down, and do a hundred, top down and goggles
Get off the freeway, exit 106 and parked it
Ash tray, flip gate, time to spark it
Gucci collar for dollar, got out and walked it
I spit game cuz baby I cant talk it
Warm, sweatin its hot up in this joint
VOKAL tanktop, on at this point
Your with a winner so baby you cant lose
I got secrets cant leave Cancun
So take it off like you’re home alone
You know dance in front your mirror while your on the phone
Checkin your reflection and tellin your best friend,
like "girl I think my butt gett’n’ big" (oh)
(Repeat Hook 2x)
(Let it hang all out)
Mix a little bit a ah, ah
With a little bit a ah, ah
(Let it just fall out)
Give a little bit a ah, ah
With a little bit a ah, ah
(Let it hang all out)
With a little bit a ah, ah
And a sprinkle a that ah, ah
(Let it just fall out)
I like it when ya ah, ah
Girl, Baby make it ah, ah
(Nelly)
Stop pacin, time wastin
I gotta friend with a pole in the basement (What?)
I’m just kiddin like Jason (Oh)
Unless you gon’ do it
Extra, extra eh, spread the news (check it)
Nelly took a trip from the Lune to Neptunes
Came back with somethin thicker than fittin in sasoons
Say she got a thing about cuttin in restrooms
(Hook 4x)

(Let it hang all out)
Mix a little bit of ah, ah
With a little bit of ah, ah
(Let it just fall out)
Give a little bit of ah, ah
With a little bit of ah, ah
(Let it hang all out)
With a little bit of ah, ah
And a sprinkle of that ah, ah
(Let it just fall out)
I like it when ya ah, ah
Girl, Baby make it ah, ah
Oh

5th Stop – Lucy’s Hat Shop
For some reason, the pack was still relatively mellow. I think they were saving up the angst for Drinkers. We had $2 bud lights, molested the festivus pole, watched the Redskins…win?, and chatted for a spell. After the massive beers, we headed on out to Drinkers.
 
6th Stop – Drinkers
 
Now, for most of us, we have had at least five alcohol units by now. Sh*t was about to go down.
 
As I arrived, the mob was already in the downstairs room. About 50 down down beers awaited us for the airing of the grievances. It was the Champagne of Beers, of course.
 
The circle:
 
Hares – The Gynocracy! and Soft Core Analyst – the eternal hare. (watch out Two Clump, Soft Core is up your ass in number of trails laid)
 
Visitors– Death Wish, Yeast of Burden – who are really not visitors anymore. I mean, they cum a lot.
Death Wish showed his ass. I really wanted to noption. (normally reserved for Cause for Blindness)
Yeast of Burden showed her tits.
Snip and Tuck from Liberty Bell, the extinct hash.
 
Virgins –
Just Kelly – Attila the Hung made her cum
Just Jen – Attila the Hung made her cum too (yes, another hot Jen in the hash, it is going to get even more confusing now)
Just Jody – Just Arshna made her cum
 
Comes Lately – Bastard Child, Dry Hump, Cunting Season, Just Albanian, The Rash, Bumble Beaver, She Man (drinking for two)
 
Grievances:
 
NNFA grieved Mrsnuffupyourmuff for having condoms in appropriate places like his pocket.
 
Fruit of the Clue grieved Sloppy for having people e-mail grievances
 
Well Hung Jury accused the hash of secretly liking Don’t Stop Believing and Since You’ve Been Gone. It was overwhelmingly declared a false accusation
 
Cause was banned from grievances, but she tried. She was banned for the option as well.
 
Yeast of Burden and Deathwish for not being visitors. (they just like to give the noption)
 
Deathwish for something at a beer check but we moved on…
 
Hold the Sausage grieved Virgin Pimp for encouraging Cause to give the option
 
S&M Man grieved the hash bimbos for being hot and not giving the option
 
FOTC grieved Sloppy of using a cheat sheet as RA
 
The Rash grieved FOTC for touching women
 
Jingle Ballzzz had two grievances:
-         Popeye’s Bitch was virping at the Chug and Run (and you call yourself a drinker)
-         Bumble Beaver for being banned from planned parenthood
 
Mr Snuff grieved Sloppy for airing out her crotch in circle
 
Rash grieved Scooby for something I couldn’t read
 
Up Her Ali and Holy F*ck were grieved of violating the pole.
 
The On-secs were grieved for taking a damn long time to write trash each week
 
Holy F*ck grieved She Man for knocking up his wife
 
S&M Man for calling Holy F*ck Anal Pro Boner
 
Note: Strap On started a game of tit your it
 
Announcements:
 
Get Ready bitches – Festivus is only the beginning of December’s drinking and debauchery!
 
The Gynocracy is bringing you two more amazing December events. Be there or be a boring retard!
 
12/13 BFMH3 #199 – BFM 200th, observed – starting from the New Deck Tavern in West Philly If you haven’t paid your 200th registration yet, bring it to the New Deck. We will be collecting at the door. It will be awesome. Cum and bring friends!
 
12/20 BFMH3 #200, part 2 – Festival of Lights run – starting somewhere in South Philly This was named the best run last year. Don’t miss it!
 
Scooby for Cousin It – Phillies Game in August
 
Bumble Beaver – Philly Roller Girls Snow Brawl on Sunday Night – Be there!
 
Snap Off is singing in Manayunk from 2-4 on Saturday.
 
Up Her Ali – Haring the Philly Hash with Tastes Like Chicken in the ‘burbs this Saturday at 3pm. There will be shiggy and beer. What else do you people need?
 
Lehigh Valley 69th hash – Dec 15th I think.
 
Cause is still single
 
Holy Fuck had one more down down…for the new officers (suckers) of the Philly Hash
Strap On, Hold the Sausage, Scooby, and E=MC2
and when one GM drinks, and when on onsec drinks, and when one officer drinks… Anyone in mismanagement was drinking at this point. They call it mismanagement for a reason!
                          
Feats of Strength
 
Birthday side sides:
The Rash – thanks to the tip from her man, Anal Fisson
Bastard Child
Just Albanian
 
We were talking about the gynocracy and we realized that with the PH3 Year of Strap On, all of the Philly hashes are gynos! Take that man bitches!
 
Philly Hash – Strap On
BFM – Hold the Sausage
Full Moon – The Rash and Cunting Season
Hockessin – STD
 
We tried to take a group gyno-GM picture, but it wasn’t happening. But then the gyno-GMs started to fight. Not in mud, it was much, much hotter than that. They started full contact thumb wrestling!
 
Round #1 – Strap On vs. Rash – Rash ended up on the floor. Strap On plays dirty. I think I saw this ninja on ultimate fighting challenge
Round #2 – Strap On vs. Cunting Season – It was a draw, but it was a lengthy struggle…
 
Other feats:
 
I heard from the rumor mill that Little Red Riding Wood had her own feat of strength. For a nominal reward, she had to stare at Cause’s boobs for a period of time.
 
Rear Engineer danced Ukrainian
 
Sloppy Ho had No Shots written on her hand.
 
At time point the notes were impossible to read. Someone wrote – I LOVE BEER!
 
7th Stop – Soho Pizza
We all know how I feel about this place. This is the best drunk pizza available! Lorenzos has it in quantity, but Soho has it in quality. Try the tomato pie, it is amazing.  
 
8th Stop – Bed!
If it’s possible to fall asleep walking up the stairs, I so did that.
 
9th Stop – Working with a hangover
I am sensing a Friday morning trend here. My new hard ass b*tch boss is making me work in the office on Fridays now. I am going to be one unhappy camper in January.
 
Overall, a tremendous amount of fun! Truly sh*tty trail, sh*tty beer, sh*tty on-in, sh*tty hashers.
 
See you all next week as the BFM grows up again and turns almost 4! And you all are invited to our birthday party! The BFM needs a birthday side side!
 
Overheard at the Hash
 
“It’s all about the package” – Fruit of the Clue talking about my package
 
“At least they were cleanly shaven…” Rear Engineer in reference to the picture he took of his balls  
 
“I’m not a virgin, oh, you mean a hasher virgin…” Sloppy Ho
 
On, on, YFF
Up Her Ali

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BFM Hash #197 - Guest Trashing!

Posted on December 3, 2007

Kids, Listen up.
When you get in to the work field, you discover one soon to be realized and hard fast rule: If you do something well, or in my case, manage to NOT look like a complete retard while you are doing it, people expect you to do it again, or more. Kind of says a lot about me doesn’t it?
So, when I schlepped in to autohash at TA Flannerys, it was with a mixture of thanks and dread when I encountered Anal Pro Boner, who complimented me on the trash I had written before. She was sitting alongside of Skin Fiddle and Stacks who actually seemed glad to see me. She must have been drinking or something. 
While I was pondering this, the pack came streaming in from the trail. I shall write about that in a sec. amidst them was our multitasking administratively anal-retentive genius, Europeen on Me. I mean who else had the foresight to actually have a list of all the BFMers pre printed out, and check boxes next to each name to see if they actually showed up, and paid. She was busy handing out preprinted applications to the upcoming BFM’s 200th run ($20.00, get them while they last boys and girls!…um er, I think). 
Europeen on Me took one look at me and peed on me. No just kidding, but she DID say, in her ever so endearing, take-charge voice.: “Greatjobonthetrashlastweekitwasfunny.YougotStan?Ohandyouredoingthetrashthisweek, nowgiveme20bucksforatshirt!”
Of course I tried to weasel out of it.
No dice, By the way, ADD moment here, Are there any “Got Stan?” shirts left? I will gladly fork over some cash for one, even a used one, provided the internal bodily fluids of the owner are cleaned off. I’m a sick fuck, yes, but I’m not without my standards.
OK, So I was stuck with the trash. Now it would have been different if I had been there for the whole trail and was able to properly document who showed up. These are the people I THINK showed up; pretty much everyone but the hockey hashers, which translates as the entire previous mismanagement, as well as BFMers before I showed up with the exception of Stacks and Skin Fiddle. Is it me? (As I mentally check my armpits). Or was it another Hockey day?
But here’s my guess as to who showed up and ran trail: Stacks, Anal Pro Boner, Fire Down Under, Sloppy Ho, Europeen on Me, Holy Fuck, Mother Bates (there is an interesting question on that one) Allturd boy, Snap It Off, Just Natasha, Sloppy Ass Kisser (BTW ADD Moment: Has anyone ever seen this chick NOT Smiling? Anyone?), Can You Hear Me Now?, Just Mike, Just Josh, and several others who I can’t remember> Sorry folks but when you have no standards as to who writes the trash, this is what you get.
 
THE TRAIL
 
The trail was great, we ran all through center city, people applauded, no one got lost, there was awesome shaggy such as riding the elevator to the top floor of Liberty Tower for a beer check, then down Market Street to the adoring cheers of Tourists and Native Philadelphians alike. Then the trail went in through City Hall, where John Street told them all to drink their water, then off to Independenca Hall where the Park Rangers let the pack have a beer check right at the Liberty Bell, and let them pose for pictures. Both Europeen On Me and Holy Fuck not only gave the option, but let their long seated Sapphic feelings for each other brim to the top and they started making out…topless. Then to cap it off, Sloppy Ho was so drunk she ended up getting locked up by the Park Police for continuously pointing at her crotch and yelling “FUCK BUSH, VOTE DEMOCRAT!”
Now all of this was an awesome trail, IF IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED! But Noooooo, I had to make it up since I have no flipping clue what happened on trail.
 I can guess, however. Since it was Stacks and Anal Pro Boner haring, I imagine the trail went like this, It went off into University City, or around the Schuylkill, somehow, ended up at a beer check at Stack’s house, or into the ghetto, either one, then back across the River where everyone ran into Anal’s house and drank the beer from her fridge, then back to the bar, but not before noting that Bonners was open for karaoke. Some people got lost, trying to find Anal’s hidden chalk marks (sorry, M’Lady, but I remember running one of your trails backward and missing a beer stop a few mos back). Finally, the pack stumbled back to Flannerys where they met my dumb ass.
 
CIRCLE
Sloppy called the circle, and filled up HALF a small plastic cup each of beer. Does anyone else remember when it was a full pint we had to swill down on each circle? And this weeks 15 seconds of infamy go to:
 
HARES: Anal Pro Boner and Stacks (although we had to wait because one of them was peeing, you guess who, I’m a gentleman and won’t say)
VIRGINS: Just George, Hack (?) made him come. Just Joel who made himself come off the internet (don’t we all?)
VISITORS: Cherry Poppins fro the Philly Hash. Since when does that count as a visitor? Besides she can’t be from the Philly Hash, A. She’s under 30, B. Smiles a lot C. and has a full head of hair. The pack tried to take advantage of her naiveté’ and have do the option but she opted for a joke instead. It was a real knee-slapper:
“Why does Snoop Dog need an umbrella?”
“For the Drizzle!”
Drink up, hon.
 
LONG TIME NO SEEers: Stacks, SternemAndRectum (?), He’s A Lesbian (Since when does missing a week put you in THAT status? Fine, I’ll drink, it’s not like it’s a great amount beer anyway.
AUTOHASHERS: Skin Fiddle, He’s A Lesbian, Lick Hymen, Up Her Alley, Sponge Bob No Pants, Just Archana, Just Jodie,
VIOLATIONS:
Notes are sketchy here, but Mother Bates violated Allturd boy for being an ass Kisser
He’s A Lesbian violated Mother Bates for using Roberts Rules of Order in the circle (He yelled out “Point of order!” when he violated ATB). There were a few more, but I was trying to remember what Mother Bate’s original hash name was since he mysteriously changed it somehow. Didn’t quite know that was possible, but I digress.
Someone else was violated because his wife dropped him off.
 
ANNOUNCEMENTS
Philly Full Moon H3 The next day, Cause was out laying trail (“So it’s a Live Hare?”-CYHMN).
BFM 200th run: Thurs 12-13-07, TBD, A to B.
Hash Ski trip. Sloppy Ho was very antsy about this since only she and Fiber Opdick were signed up for this. Have fun you two kids!
 
BONNER KARAOKE
 
Sloppy then decided that our time would be best spent at Bonners for Karaoke, so we headed over there. Once we all got there, we noticed that there were more hashers at the Karaoke then ran trail, but here’s the songs that were sung, at least until I stopped caring enough to take notes.
 
Europeen On Me Sang Avril Levine
Sloppy sang Steve Perry’s “Don’t Stop Believing” No please, stop. Enough with that song already.
Lick Hymen sang “I’ll Stop the world”. No folks he’s NOT gay.
 
During this time other hashers who were too late to even make circle showed up, one of them with an off duty Philly cop, who ran up and sang Yellow Ledbetter by Pearl Jam so well, that he immediately prompted all the female hashers to start ovulating immediately, prompting this remark by someone, “Oh he is SO getting laid tonight.”
 
Segue to:
 
OVERHEARD AT THE HASH
 
“It violate him too if my farts smelled like that”
“It would be so magical”
                        -Skin Fiddle and someone else
 
“Listen Junior! PAUSE OK, so I’m a cougar; big fucking deal!”
                        -Europeen on Me.
 
“I would rather lick an ashtray”

                        -Sloppy

At that point the night grew dim. Apparently someone stole Sloppy’s card, and ran a bunch of charges up on it, which pissed her off to no end. In an unrelated story an anonymous donor contributed $2,354.95 each to the campaigns of Rudy Giuliani and John McCain.

On, on,

He’s a Lesbian

 
 

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