BFM #205 – At 40, has the mob outgrown Callahan’s?

Posted on January 28, 2008

I walked into an already bustling Callahan’s and made my way over to Sloppy Ho and Cunting Season. Sloppy and I went through what haberdashery we have (buy a tee shirt, people!) and then I began to make my rounds, taking note of the growing mob who was slowly taking over the bar. I made my way over to the door to introduce myself to an unfamiliar face. He introduced himself as Just Rich, however, I had fully expected him to say Just Fozzy because he was wearing a brown fuzzy jacket. Later, while I was chatting with Anal Proboner, Just Rich walked by. I pointed him out to Anal and she proceeded to her version of a Fozzy Bear impression, “Waka! Waka! Waka!” I wasn’t the only person who thought he was dressed like a Muppet.
 
Who came:
Just Liz, CYHMNow?, Fruit of ze Clue, Mother May I?, Lick Hymen, Just Dev, 2 Clump Chump, Just Mike, S&M Man, Son of a Goat Fucker, Rear Engineer, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Atilla the Hung, Just Rich, Cherry Poppins, Holy Fuck, Lake Flaccid, Softcore Analyst, Just Julie, Hold The Sausage, Cunting Season, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Death Wish, Yeast of Burdon, Scammin’ Ol’ Ladies, Fire Down Under, Just Brian, Just Archana, Bumble Beaver, Jingle Ballzzz, Just Joel, Horse Whacker, Sloppy Ho, Anal Proboner, Just Christina, He’s a Lesbian, Stacks, Up Her Ali, Just Vic, Just Mike, Virgin Pimp
 
Before we headed out to circle up, I was called over by the bartender. He thanked us for coming to Callahan’s but gave me warning: “See those food warmers in the corner? We’re putting food in them in a few minutes and your group is not to eat any of it. It’s for the dart throwers only.” I promised him I’d let the mob know but as soon as I walked away I forget his warning.
 
The mob headed out. We r*n up South ST and over the South Street bridge. Ahead of me, I heard someone yell, “Back check!” Then, someone r*n past us and said, “it’s a back check 11!”  11? As I turned around, Anal Proboner was behind me with a cute mischievous smile on her face, shrugging her shoulders. As I passed her I said, “Oh, you’re good!” Back we went across the South ST. By the time we counted 11 marks, we were back at Callahan’s. So it was either a really short trail or we were staring over.
 
The mob headed up South ST, and I kept Anal Pro in my sights while doing a little check hanging since I didn’t hear anyone call “on-on!” The mob r*n up to 24th ST and I heard “False!”” Anal Pro who was now in the middle of the pack, took a left onto 25th and everyone who was behind her, simply followed along, like lemmings over a cliff. Cunting Season, not seeing a check at the corner of 25TH, stopped. We turned around and headed back to South ST, towards the bar. The few of us that there were, checked around for trail and then we noticed, two blocks down, headed into the Markward Playground was the mob.  We headed off to play catch up and as we r*n, noticed that we were on. 

We r*n through Markward, down 25th and into the Schuylkill River Park, up the stairs and down Walnut ST, across a parking lot and onto 22nd ST. People started questioning if there was going to be a beer check at Holy Fuck’s. Nope. We headed up 22nd and found our first beer check at Cherry Street Tavern.

After warming up and finishing off a few pitchers, we headed out.  I noticed our virgin, Just Rich carrying a brown bag.  He informed me he didn’t have dinner and had stopped to get himself a sandwich, on trail.  We continued up 22nd, crossed over the Vine Street Expressway, towards the Parkway. We took a right down the Parkway and headed into Logan Circle, through the fountain and then over on 19th ST. As the mob waited to cross over JFK, some started laughing because they said our virgin, Just Rich, aka Fozzy Bear, thought that perhaps we’d be having another beer check at Monk’s Café (this guy is just begging to be named!). But Monk’s Café?  Wow, he doesn’t know the BFM!  With that, Sloppy quipped, “If we had a beer check at Monk’s we’d have to charge $20 hash cash.” I sighed…wouldn’t that be nice! In the mix, someone mentioned “Flannery’s” and so we crossed over Market and followed the rest of the mob, down Ludlow, to TJ Flannery’s. 

Back at Callahan’s the mob outnumbered the normal bar patrons by 4:1, easily. People seemed to be revved up and circle felt more like a hurricane, with Sloppy and Sausage standing in the eye. Sloppy feeling the energy, kicked off circle with, “I’m so excited to be here!” She then raised her beer and announced, “I think the mob has finally outgrown Callahan’s!”
 
Hare(s):
Trail:
·         Not enough back checks
·         Not enough falses
·         Not enough turtle crap (apparently there are 3 turtle bronze statues in Markward Park and Rear Engineer drew turtle crap behind them with flour)
 
Visitor(s):
First In:           casinos mirar sus oponentes hábitos. Mr. Snuffleupamuff
 
Last In:            Softcore Analyst
 
Virgins:
Auto-hashers:
Cums Lately:
Accusations:
With that, Sloppy and Sausage called Horse Whacker into the circle. It wasn’t her birthday so I guess they were planning a renaming. Names thrown out: Takes It Up The Ass Like Stan, Stunt Dick Double, The Stain Lifter, Spin Cycle, Slippery When Drunk, A Horse With No Name, Poops, I Did It Again, Piss Cycle, Party Pooper. In the end, the laming resulted in the mob choosing: Piss Cycle.
 
Announcements:
 
On-on, bitches!

Europee’n on Me

 

 

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BFM#204 - Albanian Appreciation Night

Posted on January 22, 2008

It’s the 204th BFM Hash a/k/a the Albanian Appreciation hash.  What to wear, what to wear…. Is this a“theme” hash?  I can picture us all playing Albanian games and everyone has to bring a favorite Albanian dish.    I guess we will just have to settle for the usual PBR and Karaoke theme. 
 
The snow had turned to sleet had turned to freezing rain had turned to rain. It felt like it was going to start going back the other way as the temperature was dropping.  The sidewalks were ice and mush… should be fun.   
 
ALBANIAN FUN FACT #1:   Albania was invaded by Italy in 1939.
 
Who Came:
Hold the Sausage, Holy Fuck, Sloppy Ho, Horse Whacker, Justs John and Mike, Another Just Mike, E=MyCockSquared, Strap On, Rear Engineer, Anal ProBoner, The Rash, The Albanian, Lick Hymen, Mr Snuffleupamuff, S&M Man, Up Her Ali, Fiber Opdick, Can You Hear Me Now, Mother Bates, Well Hung Jury, Cause For Blindness, Sour Snatch My Rubber Back, Just Kansas Dan, 2 Clump Chump, Virgin Pimp, Scooby Snatch, Just Sylvie, Fruit of the Clue, Cunting Season, Jingle Ballzzz, Skin Fiddle, She Man, Popeye’s Bitch, Just Archana.
 

Whether it was their mood or the drugs they took earlier, the hash could only be described as "sedate".    One by one, hashers came in and sat down around a long table in the middle of room at Bonners….no music, no loud idle chatter … just us pretty much sitting around a table looking at each other and/or the walls.  In the background, I could hear faint bells from Vanna turning over the letters on Wheel of Fortune playing on 2 TV’s.  The smell of smoke wafted over from the three regulars at bar (also very sedate).  The fact they still allow smoking here is the one and only downside of this place. 

The Rash walked in and noticed the somber scene. “Did somebody die?”  Rear Engineer who had bought a pitcher for himself, refused to join our table, remaining at the side table next to us. “Quiet. I know… it’s eerily creepy,  he replied.    

I couldn’t put my finger on it. Post holiday blahs? S.A.D.?  S.A.R.S.? The Albanian being deported? “Snow makes people crazy,” offered Rear Engineer.  HF: “That’s your theory?”  Rear: “Oh yeah. And this in turn makes me crazy!”
 
Someone mentioned the upcoming BFM elections.  I told 2 Clump Chump he should run for On Sec. “Me?” he asked.  “Yeah! You’re literate!” Mr. Snuffaluffamuff agreed.   “I can read. I have words.” Clump replied.
 
We all then went back to staring at each other in silence for a while. E= MyCockSquared and Strap On were the next to come in. E eyed up our table suspiciously and looked around the room for an explanation. “Wow I feel like an outsider. Like I just walked into the middle of something,” he said to no one in particular.
 

Someone started talking about taking a hash road trip to see Punxatawney Phil in February and scare him back into his hole so only 6 more weeks of winter.   I suggested that a BB gun would be more useful. Tonights drive home in this shit sucked!  For the record, I was kidding. I don’t even use real mouse traps. 

 
Two eyes and a hood came walking in from the winter cold, which we discovered was Sloppy Ho. “What’s this? The Last Supper?”    It did look that way… well, without the supper.   I think from where we were seated, 2 Clump would have been Jesus.
 
The Albanian’s arrival was met with all the subdued enthusiasm the Mob could muster: “Yay….”  they muttered in unison.
 
ALBANIAN FUN FACT #2: For nearly 400 years Albania was part of the Ottoman Empire.
 
2 Clump, trying to get a conversation going, noticed that Hold The Sausage had a big bag sitting on the table in front of her.  “What’s that?” he asked.  “Flour.” HTS stated the obvious.   At this point, he got up and grabbed the bag from her. I thought at first he might be volunteering to hare, but he was really just going for another witty quip in the trash:   “There. I’ve always wanted to de-flour you,”  he said to her, looking at me to make sure I was writing it down.  I did.
 
People started talking about the 700 Club Hash next week for the Philly Full Moon.
Cause: “I don’t have any club clothes”
HF: “Not from your days at Studio 54??”
Cause: “No, I went to the China Room.”
2 Clump: “I’ve been to the China Room too… full service package.”   Another gem.
 
After an eternity of sitting in silence, it was finally time to draw straws. HTS broke the straw in front of us which made it real easy to know which one not to pick. For one, she used multi-colored straws. And we saw her break a red one. One person who obviously didn’t pay any attention was Can You Hear Me Now? After he picked the short red straw, Sloppy Ho volunteered to go with him.
 
Chalk Talk:
The chalk talk was run by E=MyCockSquared.   He asked if everyone knew what they were doing and if we had any new people. We had one visitor and one virgin.   “Hi I’m E,”  he introduced himself.   I laughed cuz that sounded so funny. The S&M Man imitated "E", pretending to hug the new hashers: “Hi, I’m Ecstacy… I looove you.”
 
Trail:
Shitty. Here are the highlights:
 
1.  Our virgin, Just Archana, quickly learned the BFM skill of “check hanging”
2.  There was a Yuengling beer check at Sloppy Ho’s. We drank outside on her stoop cause she didn’t want to let us in.
3.  2 Clump told us that one of his students tried to convince him that 9.5 plus 9.5 = 20. Someone asked him who the hell his teacher was. We all feel good knowing he is responsible for our future generation.
4. Cause for Blindness and our visitor, Sour Snatch My Rubber Back, came walking up just as we were finishing our beer. Sloppy had put the rest of the stash away so people just passed them whatever was left in their cans to drink. Sour Snatch made a sarcastic statement about not wanting the Mob’s germs.   I don’t think she was completely kidding when she said, “Well, there is that new ass staff going around."  She tried to laugh it off and not think about all the germs she was about to consume.   Her statement put a nasty picture in my head that had nothing whatsoever to do with germs. 
5.  The conversation carried on about SARS, STDs and other medical ailments.
6.  After being told that there was no trail laid for the way back because the hares lost flour, the pack split up trying to find the shortest distance between 2 points.
7. On the way back, The S&M man and I covered additional medical topics including frontal Lobotomies, anesthesia, Tourettes syndrome, and wire hangers shoved in asses. Kind of like an ass staff.
 
Circle:
Back at Bonners, Sloppy was pouring beer in preparation for Circle. “OK. Are we ready to do this?!” She asked me and HTS.   “I was born ready.”   Sloppy called the circle to order with a toast to the 204th  Hash … “To pitchers of PBR and karaoke…what more could you ask for?” The crowd drank to that … the temporary silence was interrupted by Muff belching loudly.
 
Hares: CYHMN and Sloppy Ho.   CYHMN apparently “biffed” on the ice the first half of the trail, when he tripped over a curb and landed spread eagle on the sidewalk, spilling most of the flour. He has been whining about his spill, his boo-boo’s, and the hash’s “complete lack of sympathy” since then. 
 
First In/Last In:
Justs John and Mike… attached at the pelvis.
 
Last In:
Cause for Blindness. 
 
Long-time-u-ditch-us:
Cause and Mother Bates
 
Visitors: 
Sour Snatch my Rubber Back (also known as Rash’s evil Doppelganger) from Charlottesville Hash. 
 
Before the visitor could be told the “option” CYHMN jumped in and made an announcement: “We have a tradition here at the BFM, that all visitors must show a body part.” At this, the men started chanting “Show your tits!”    SSMRB replied,   “Since I’m hearing “tits”, I will sing you a song about tits.”  S&M man did a duet with her seeming to be the only other person that knew it. Or maybe he was really good at mouthing “watermelon” to the lyrics.   If you have no clue, I don’t have time to explain it.   Much later after many pitchers SSMRB did show her tits.
 
Virgins:
Just Archana … Just Brian made her cum.   CYHMN: “We have a tradition here …”
 
Autohashers:
Jingle Ballzzz, Up Her Ali, Cunting Season, Mr Snuffleupamuff, The Albanian, Rear Engineer, Mother Bates, Lick Hymen, Hold the Sausage, Skin Fiddle
 
Accusations:

-Jingle Ballzzz “for the f*cking sh*t you’re wearing” His T-Shirt went something like this: Front: Discovery happens. Back:  …in a laboratory.

-2 Clump Chump drank for eating food in the circle.

-The Rash drank for sneaking in with the autohashers… And when one GM drinks…HTS and CS drink.
 
-The hares drank for not laying the second half of the trail. Let us recall, that’s because CYHMN bit it and lost all the flour. Don’t show him any sympathy – he could have avoided the fateful red straw had he had been paying attention.
Sloppy: “Are there any more violations??
CYHMN:   “Yeah! I violate myself.” With that, he snatched a beer from the stash and chugged. For the hell of it. 
Sloppy:  “Ok. Are there any other violations?”
 
-Mother Bates accused The Rash of keeping her “twin sister” a secret.
 
-Just Kansas Dan for avoiding circle altogether.
 
Announcements:
SSMRB: “Ya’ll are invited to the Lynchburg Red Dress Run on the 9th”  
Jan 25 – The Rash announced the Philly Full Moon “Club Hash” next Friday at 700 Club… “There will be dancing”
APB – “We’re going roller skating tomorrow!”
Feb 15 – The S&M man will be hosting the Vday Full Moon hash with “amazing beer” at the Pour House.
Feb 17 – Do Shots, Don’t Get Shot Hash … 6 checks guaranteed!
Jingle Ballzzz announced his hash this past Saturday
 
The Albanian’s naming:
Sloppy called The Albanian to the circle and announced he was being deported for several weeks, therefore he must have a name. Someone yelled “Cause, do it for the hash! Cause is single!”  trying to find a way for us to keep him.
 
Lots of Albanian stories were told : Like how he met up with CYHMN and Sloppy on a little girls’ pink and purple Huffy bike to ride to a hash in Manayunk, knees up to chin as he peddled away. “It was my uncle’s bike”claimed the Albanian. … Pink and Puffy rides the Huffy was suggested.
 

Lick Hymen told a story about how he and the Albanian were at a diner and “things were a bit fuzzy” cause they were both drunk… We all assumed where this story was heading… LH said something about Marcel being on a “one man mission” but never said for what or whom and then he mentioned he got sick.  The Mob fittingly came up with Reese’s Piece or Reese’s Piece of Ass.

Mr. Snuffleupamuff recounted a conversation between Soft Core Analyst and the Albanian that went something like this:

SCA: “So, I hear you were a doctor…”
Albanian: “No, I was an economist. I’m not a doctor. Im an Albanian!”
To this day apparently SCA thinks he’s a doctor. . . Someone said Dr Labia Albania.
 
The Mob voted Pink and Puffy Rides The Huffy by a landslide.   But I’m still curious what really happened in story #2.
 
ALBANIAN FUN FACT #3: The approximate population of Albania is 3.5 Million. There are also Albanians living in Kosovo and the former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia.
 
Post Circle:
Most hashers moved into the other room to begin filling out their karaoke requests.
 
The Albanian made a beeline over to me to read my notes because he had NO CLUE what we had just named him. When an Albanian smiles, he is pleased.
 
Lick Hymen sat at a table chatting with Just Kansas Dan. I noticed LH’s shirt buttons had gone down another notch as they tend to do toward the end of the evening. And the extra-hold product in his hair tonight gave him a curious gravity-defying height when he casually ran his fingers through his mane. Kinda like Cameron Diaz in Something About Mary.
 
Autohashers who avoided the circle: Popeye’s Bitch (looking like a nappy-headed ho after sleeping since 5pm), Scooby Snatch, Virgin Pimp, and papa She Man.  
Popeye and Fiber were at it again. “It’s a man touch” 2 Clump Chump said, as Fiber caressed Popeye’s shoulder and then proceeded to lick his ear.   Popeye just looked away and blushed like a school girl with a crush. 
 
Horse Whacker proudly bragged that “Chunk” came in 2nd at the Jumper show.
 
Just Sylvie and FOTC were canoodling (fondling and mackin’) over a pitcher of beer
 
A sampling of karaoke songs cuz I wasn’t paying attention to write them all down:
 
“Leavin on A Jet Plane” – dedicated to the Ablanian (Cause and Jingle)
Barry Manilow’s “Mandy” ( Sloppy Ho)
 “Big Balls” ( Rear Engineer )
“I Need a Hero” (Cunting Season)
“Walking After Midnite” (The Rash)
 
 Overheard:   “You’re going down on that like a dick!” Just John to 2 Clump Chump
 
See you at Callahan’s this week. On on!
Holy Fuck  
 

 
 

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BFM Hash #203 – The Miracle of S. Philly – 1038 Reed St to be Exact

Posted on January 11, 2008

 
We traversed back into the land of S. Philly. We actually got the real address of the Triangle Tavern courtesy of Son of a Gost F*cker’s wife, it is 1038 Reed St. Every website in town has it wrong. I think it is a clever marketing ploy to keep the cool center city kids out. I mean, who wants to deal with yuppie scum or annoying urban hipsters anyway? Except, we found you Triangle bitches! You tried to hide from is by incorrectly listing your address but you underestimated the hash’s seventh sense for dive bars and cheap beer. (M .Night trademarked the Sixth Sense) Now you are stuck with us. (Insert maniacal laughter here)
 
The attendees as I could tell: Rear Engineer, Up Her Ali, Two Clump Chump, Hold the Sausage, Europe’en on Me, Deep Flute, Fiber Opdick, Can You Hear My Now, Heave Ho, Fire Down Under, Scamming Old Ladies, Soft Core Anal-ist, Yack in the Box, Horse Whacker, Sloppy Ho, Over Easy, My Snuffupmymuufa-biatch, Rash, S&M Man, Little Red Riding Wood, Strap On, E=MC2, Just Mike, Just Dev, Jingle Balzzz, Scooby Snatch
 
The short straws were passed out. Rear Engineer pulled the first straw and it was the short straw. Over Easy went out to hare with him.
 
Just Mike,Yack in the Box, the bartender, and I began talking about people who drink Robitussin to get drunk. You know what I mean; the trying to be cool, but really weird kid from college? Or high schoolers with nothing better to do than watch MTV? Did you know that Robitussin diluted with water is called a Motussin? (We are so getting this for the next circle) The bartender overheard us and brought out a bottle of Jacquin Rock and Rye. It smells as bad as Robitussin and it probably is as bad as Robitussin. We could start a new fad, where are some kids for me to corrupt? Deep Flute and Meat Tenderized kids are not born yet. Oh right, I am going to see my nieces and nephew later. I think my sister, Scabby, would be so thrilled if I got my 8 and 11 year old nieces or my 16 year old nephew addicted to Jacquin Rock and Rye. (Actually, the 16 year old has probably already snuck some of this to get all wasted. Plus, I would have to get my 11 year old niece to stop constantly text messaging her friends.)
 
Some other great topics to fill space in the hash trash: (I know you don’t want to work)
 
Alycia Lane – Beating up Booker isn’t enough for you. You have to go after a NYC Cop?
 
Philly Turkey – Seriously, have you checked out this site yet? www.phillyturkey.com
 
Wing Bowl – It is a true Philadelphia tradition and a great reason to drink really early in the morning.
 
My car – It is being fixed at the Auto Show across from the Triangle Tavern. It was good sign that my car wasn’t out front. (Or maybe it was stolen. Nah, I couldn’t get that lucky.)
 
Groundhog Day – It’s on a Saturday this year. Field trip!! Phil is totally seeing his shadow.
 
Mayor Nutter – We now will get frisked on the runs as part of the stop and frisk policy. (I know another one, there is Scooby’s frisking.)
 
The trail:
 
You don’t really read this section. I guess I can try something for you trail enthusiasts.
 
We ran North, we got lost, we ran East, we got lost. We saw garbage and drug deals. We had a beer check at Over Easy’s house. I had a strong feeling it was going to be there, but I ran trail like a jerk. We walked the two blocks back to the bar since we are lazy.
 
There was a time when a few of us fine hash bimbos were standing on the corner with the S&M Man. Horse Whacker quibbled that we were the higher end prostitutes for the sporty crowd. S&M Man was our pimp. (without the Virgin Pimp in the house)
 
Sloppy Ho spotted a bumper sticker. “What are you having?”… with a PBR can.
 
Rash did tell a story of an eventful shot check near 8th and Federal Streets. I guess they had a beer check behind the Oriental Grocery Store. During the shot check, about 6 cop cars a SWAT team showed up. How nice of them to stop by. I am sure Can You Hear Me Now will write something about this in the comments. Can You writing a comment to the trash is like the sun coming up in the East.
 
The circle:
 
Sloppy Ho kicked off the circle. It was proclaimed the Miracle in South Philly. (Move over NY and 34th street, you attention hogs)
 
Virgins – Just Mike was volunteered to be a born again almost virgin
 
No Visitors Either – Great! It gives us more opportunity to be incestuous. Inbreeding is awesome, just look at Kentucky (or Central PA - Pennsyltucky)
 
Hares – Rear Engineer and Over Easy. Not enough garbage, Asians by trucks, subways, crack. (there was a real live drug deal, good times for us suburban kids)
 
First In - E
Last In – Mr Snuff, 2 Clump
 
Comes Lately – Over Easy, S&M Man, Up Her Ali
 
While I drank, I gave my notebook to E. I should give notebooks away to random people more often. He had the following thoughts:
Can You – Kind of Chubby, Needs a Diet
Scooby Snatch – Still looking creepy
Europe’en – Keeps breaking her camera
 
Auto hashers – Just Dev, Scooby Snatch, Jingle Balzzz
 
Accusations:
 
Yack in the Box – Pulling out early, he is moving to California (what with non-existent global warming, it is as warm as there)
 
S&M Man accused Rear Engineer of drawing an on-in picture with small balls, just like his. Then when all hares… Over Easy
 
Mr Snuff accused Sloppy of not knowing the right word to when your girlfriend tastes like sh*t flip her over…. (E said, “That is good advise” in reference to the song.)
 
Rash accused Just Mike of wearing a race shirt. Since you folks were giving Sloppy crap again. She volunteered Fiber Opdick to lead the next song. Someone yelled out, “Freebird!” He actually gave the lamest song in the universe. “this is a hashing song and it is not that long”
 
As a result, Scooby accused FO of picking a lame song since he should know a lot of  them from being a member of the Carolina Trash.
 
Mr Snuff accused Scooby of singing soprano, and I think when one small ball drinks, they all drink.
 
The crowd went silent. Then there were dumb stares.
 
Sloppy asked E if he had any frustrations. I am not sure what possessed her to do this. I mean, this is like opening up Pandora’s Box. She might as well have asked E how he felt about Lance Armstrong or to taunt E about ninjas. That could kill a whole day. He did come up with lamest accusation ever. He accused Little Red Riding Wood of not helping him on trail. (She is noted to get lost on trail in S. Philly. I think so goes home and does some shots so she can deal with us after. Or maybe she was the mysterious drug dealer.)
 
Two Clump accused S&M Man, Scamming Old Ladies, and Fire Down Under of wearing layers. Hello…global warming! (I could barely decipher E’s chicken scratch)
 
Announcements:
Get out your social calendars: (we know you don’t have any other friends)
 
January 19th – Jingle Balzzz is haring the Philly Hash. He promises lots of beer and goodies. Note: He actually didn’t announce it. Strap On had it announce it since he forgot his announcement.
 
January 25th – Philly Full Moon – Dancing hared by Little Red Riding Wood and Bumble Beaver
 
February 7th – BFM’s Do Shots, Don’t Get Shot at Kellian’s. At least 8 shot checks! Also, BFM Elections are that night. I will give you an “I Voted Today” sticker or a kick in the ass.
 
February 8-10th – Ski Trip! Really, sign up now!
 
February 14th – BFM AGM!!!! Be there, meet your new elected officers (tormentors), there will be beer and food. After that, go complain to someone else.
 
February 15th – Philly Full Moon – It’s an S&M Valentines Day hared by S&M Man and Up Her Ali – Be there, it will be awesome!
 
March 15th – Green Dress Run/Weekend – Save the Date!!
 
August 2008 – Phillies Tailgate
 
Sign up to hare the Philly Hash or E will kick your ass!!
 
After this, the mob mingled and drank. We chipped in for greasy pizza. We went to Pope’s.
 
At some point, Little Red Riding Wood was taking the prize as the Horny Hands of the BFM. She was giving Mr. Snuff a back massage. Look out boys, there is a new masseuse in town.
 
Overheard at the Hash
 
“You wouldn’t happen to have my large vagina (shirt)”. Rear Engineer to Europe’en on Me
 
On, on, YFF
Up Her Ali
 

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BFM #202 – The mob pops the cherry on 2008

Posted on January 7, 2008

My plummer was supposed to install my new hot water heater tonight.  I was a bit disappointed that I might have to miss the hash but, then again, I’d actually get to take a hot shower for the first time in a month, and it was cold as the artic circle outside (I swear I saw a polar bear walking down 4th street on my way home from the bus).  However, my plummer cancelled, so I put on my five layers of gear and headed out into the 3-degree wind chill outside.
 
I walked into Cherry Street Tavern, apparently, looking like the little brother, Randy, from A Christmas Story because when Just Mike and Fiber Opdick greeted me in the back room, Fiber proceeded to mock me by standing with his arms out while quoting the film.  Point taken.  I was overdressed.
 
Who came:
3 Balls, CYHMN?, Dry Hump, Europee’n on Me, E = My Cock 2^, Fiber Opdick, Hold The Sausage, Holy Fuck, Horse Whacker, Jingle Ballzzz, Little Red Riding Wood, Nappy-Headed Ho, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Rear Engineer, Scooby Snatch, Sloppy Ho, Strap On, The Albanian, Virgin Pimp, Well Hung Jury, Just Chad, Just Dev, Just Don, Just Mike
 
Trail was pre-laid by Sloppy Ho and Holy Fuck and it was laid as if they took out a tourist map and followed along - very scenic.  We r*n past the Franklin Institute, through Logan Circle and the empty fountain, for which several hashers commented, “Wouldn’t it suck if the water came on?”  We headed through Love Park and by the beautiful Christmas tree, past the Philadelphia Municipal offices where a giant Monopoly iron, red and yellow Sorry! game pieces and various dominos were scattered around the building.  We headed up Broad Street, down Callowhill to 15th and into Fairmount.
 
Trail this night seemed more like a group r*n rather than a hash since I heard little or no “On, On!” being yelled and since I was following the hares I was always on-hare and didn’t need to stop at any of the checks.
 
Our beer check was a familiar place, an alcohol oasis – Scooby Snatch, Rear Engineer and Just Don’s apartment.  We knew this place well.  Many of us spent quite a few nights getting our drink on, and for some, getting off, within these walls.  Our most recent, yet fuzzy, memory was New Year’s Eve.  We walked into the apartment and immediately began sharing stories and eating and drinking party leftovers.
 
Holy Fuck spotted an un-opened bag of Peanut M&M’s and happily indulged. Since they were unopened, she was guaranteed that Scooby Snatch hadn’t licked any and then put them back into the bag, which he is famously known for. She then said, as she grabbed another handful of the green and red crack bits, from of the bag, something to the effect of, “Ever since I joined Philly, I crave M&M’s and potato chips when I r*n.”  No kidding, sister!  Where else in the world, other than a camping trip, do you stop in the woods, by a swamp, along the road, in a storm pipe, or amongst nettles, and eat M&M’s?
 
Like answering a call from a siren when that yellow bag opened, Scooby Snatch walked through the door and seemed a bit surprised to see the mob hanging out.  I said to him, “We had so much fun on New Year’s Eve that we decided to come back for the sequel.”  The next thing I know CYHMN? is laying on the floor and E is laughing hysterically.  E pulled the chair out from under him as CYHMN? was sitting down.
 
A few feet away is Nappy-headed Ho holding a clementine and he announces to the group, “do you guys know the proper way to peel a clementine?” Curious, we all grew quiet and watched. He peeled the little orange fruit and placed the peel on the table and said, “just like that.” Then he smoothed out the peel. It looked like a penis and balls. The mob groaned. Scooby didn’t help matters since he pulled a carton of milk out of the refrigerator and “finished it off”. First the chair incident and now this. I stated that I felt like I was at a frat party to which CYHMN? replied, “I feel like I’m at circle jerk” as he pointed to the peel on the table. I took a few photos of Nappy’s work of “art” and CYHMN? pierced the orange member with a “Prince Edward”.
 
Holy Fuck started handing out the left over party favors, which included leis from the Gynocracy’s Excellent Adventure (see BFM #175) and handed Strap On a yellow lei for which Strappy asked, “Hey, do I get a yellow one because I’m Asian?”  We shared a group laugh and headed on out.
 
Our harriett’s took us over to the Art Museum where Sloppy Ho felt up the Rocky statue and we stood in Rocky’s shoes at the top of the museum steps. I use the word “we” but we consisted of myself, Holy Fuck, Horse Whacker, Sloppy Ho, Just Dev and Nappy-Headed Ho. The rest of mob short-cutted and didn’t even make the climb. Lazy bastards.
 
Back at Cherry Street Sloppy eventually circled us up since most people were excited to nosh on $1 off sandwiches while watching the Kansas game.  Where is Kansas Dan when you need him?  She asked us what we thought of the “Best trail of 2008”?  “Shitty!”
 
Trail:    Not enough blond hares
            Not enough 3-dgree wind chill
 
Hare(s):
Visitor(s):         Laa-Laa (Carolina TRASH)
 
First In:            Laa-Laa (who apparently short-cutted so he could come back
                        and catch the ESPN highlights at the bar)
 
Last In:            Nappy-headed Ho
 
Virgins:
Auto-hashers:
Cums Lately:
Accusations:
Announcements:
 
On-on, bitches!
Europee’n on Me
 
 
Overheard at the hash:
“I ate lots of wieners at the party”
“My farty puckin rules!”

“While I did promise that I wouldn’t tell anyone, you promised that you wouldn’t piss in my washing machine and, I never expected that you’d actually piss in my washing machine.”

 

 

 

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