BFM #209 - Who puts the MIS in Mis-Management??

Posted on February 25, 2008

I can answer that.  We do - we do!  Missing GM, missing flour and a missing HARE, plenty of straws though.  I’ll start from the beginning.  I popped into Krupas Tavern about 7:50 and there waiting were a few eager hashers sharing a pitcher and conversing.  I said hello to the crew and set my things in the corner and Mid Night Tranny to Georgia asked me if there was a hare out setting trail.  I thought for a minute as our new GM did not mention a hare in our MIS-Management group e-mail this week but I thought no big deal, live hare tonight, we can draw straws for the hare. 

By then a few more MIS mangers were coming through the door and we huddled together to discuss the lack of a hare and to much our surprise a lack of the most basic part of hashing beside the BEER yes you guessed it, the flour.  Expression of those present?  Dumbfounded.  As we stared blankly at one another 2 Clump spoke up and suggested we call Rear Engineer and have him pick up a bag of flour for us.  He lives 4 blocks from Krupas Tavern but he drove.  Don’t worry he gets his exercise later.  As the call was being made we see him pulling into spot right outside the bar so he’s no help with the flour. 

About that time Cunting Season hears about the flour situation she nearly falls off she chair from laughter.  Well Wood, as in Little Red Riding, clearly being the quickest thinking of the this group hopped out and ran around the corner.  2 Clump and I assumed for the flour.   Then as quick as she left  Wood returned with flour in hand making a hero’s entrance saving the day. 

I thought as to keep the event running I would grab the straws and begin scaring up the HARE. Ok as dumb as it sounds I have never made a group of people draw straws before and it showed.  I grabbed a handful of straws bit one in half and stuck them together started presenting them to the group.  Well I quickly made it through the group once and still had a handful of straws including the short one.  hmm  Ok I will go through crowd again.  Surely the second time through someone will take the short one.  Nope.  The straws must have mated and started making more and more straws when I wasn’t looking because I still had a hand full of straws after that round through the mob.  So a THIRD time through group and still no takers.  The short one neatly tucked away in my grubby paw.  Finally, I get down to the last few straws and then finally to the last one and thank god.  Just then our eyes meet who is it that lucky HASHer who will get the honor of setting trail? Guess who - Little Red Riding Wood your our hare. So the poor women is stuck with thinking for the group also gets called into action to set the trail.  Wood your are a real HASHER through and through.  Not a piss pot like they say but still, do not try to go to heaven because they will still send you the other way!

NOW, lets get it ON-ON!  Wait before that there was a dog mugging.

After the silliness with the straws and a 10 minute head start for Wood I suggested to the Engineer he should get the group moving.  By his prompting the crew bounded outside for the infamous chalk talk.   No virgin’s no visitors and yes 3 Balls you are not a visitor you are one of the motley crew of BFMers.  Now drink for being a comes lately.  Just as chalk talk was rapping across the street a ruckus was taking place.  My back was to the incident but as I turned around to see what had caught my attention what I saw had all the makings of a bad  Hollywood slap stick comedy. 

A grown man was laying on the sidewalk with brown grocery bag half ripped with romaine lettuce in a heap and 3 or 4 oranges rolling into the gutter.  A dog was running full speed down the middle of the street.  Running after the dog was a tall sharply dressed man with a flipped up collar and salt a pepper hair.  I mean I was waiting for the truck load of chickens to come rolling through and tip over.  Anal Pro Bonner and I ran across the street to attend to the man and his partially ruined groceries.  He seemed fine and refused the help so I think that only damage was to his pride.  So here’s what happen.  In a brief interview with the man with the flipped up collar the other gentlemen with the grocery bag was crossing the street walk  toward them and tripped on the corner right in front of them.  This frighted the dog and he took of running.  The dog was recovered and all party’s were able to walk away unscathed.  

Now the trail.  ON called!  We started down 27th turning left onto (how’s your) Aspen, little Colorado humor there.  Then right on 26th.  We got to the corner of 26th and Pennsylvania and turned into a parking lot.  3 Balls and Mayor Quimby had manged to find trail but they were on the other side of a tall fence so going around appeared to be our only option.  Just as we got to the far side of the parking lot Quimby yelled to us, "There’s a gate."  which he then proceeded to casually open shaking his head at this pack of goofballs passing through.  Guess what, we drank for that.  We got up to Meredith and wiggled over to Perot and then Olive.  At 23rd we turned south and made a right on Mt Vernon.  22cnd again took us south and we hit Spring Garden.  We turned up to Brandywine then Wilcox north at 19th skipping over to, I love saying this word, Uber St. then Brown to Capitol.  Here is where I said, which I drank for later, "I hope Wood brings us ON IN  soon because I am running out of paper writing down all the streets."   West on Parish turn right on Woodstock left at Poplar skipped over to Ogden back to Parish then to Brown and ON-IN.

Circle time.  Anticipation was high for the newly elected religious advisers and there brand of HASHing hilarity.

In Attendance - who came?

Little Red Riding Wood, Anal Pro Boner, SoftCore Anal-ist, Hold the Sausage, Rear Engineer, 2 Clump Chump, Midnite Tranny to Georgia, Just Archana,  Lick Hymen, Skin Fiddle, Mayor Quimby, 3 Balls, Cunting Season, Just Craig, Just Justin, Mr Snuffleupamuff

Hare - As you know unless you just skipped to this part to just to read the names I recommend you go back and read the story about how she got wrangled into haring.  Little Red Ridding Wood

First In - Rear Engineer - I am not sure why because Cunting Season droped out in first few blocks due to shin splints.

Last In - the Just twin Justin and Craig

Auto Hashers -  Skin Fiddle, Lick Hyman, Hold the Sausage 

Cums Lately - 3 Balls

 

Accusations

SoftCore Anal-ist - accusses Rear Engineer and Little Red Riding Wood of lack of instruction on what to do in circle with our bevage of choice which on Thursday was BEER

Mr Snuffleupamuff - accusses SoftCore Anal-ist - of complaining about writing down every street from the trail

2 Clump Chump - accusses Hold the Sausage - of going camando (in her camoflage pants)

Mayor Quimby - accusses SoftCore Anal-ist, Mid Night Tranny to Georgia, Mr Snuffleupamuff and slew of others for not finding the gate in the big fence on trail. 

 

 

Annoucements

Philly craft beer festival March 1 - $40 all the beer you can drink for 4 hours - tickets near sold out. 

March 28th Skin Fiddle will be unemployed because he quit his job without finding another one first.

Green Dress Weekend!!

Thursday March 13th - BFM - Green Dress Kick off Party - hares 2 Clump Chump and SoftCore Anal-ist - great trail and St Patty’s day theme with prizes

Friday, March 14th – Philly Full Moon - Green Street
Pub Crawl
7:30pm (pack off at 8pm) - $5.00 – The Green Room -
20th and Green St.

Saturday, March 15th – The 7th St. Patrick’s Green
Dress Run - 2pm (3pm hash standard time)
Bob and Barbara’s, 1509 South Street
Green Dress Run, Beer, Food, Prizes, Fun!!

Sunday, March 16th – Sunday Bloody Sunday Hangover
Hash - 11am - Jingle Balzzz Abode - 805 S. 4th St.

 

OK people I am out!  Be good.  Your boy,

SoftCore Anal-ist

 

Overheard at the HASH: 

"Skin Fiddle is not allowed to handle to the HASH cash until he is employed again." 

 

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BFM #208 - The End of a Gynocracy. Peace Out.

Posted on February 20, 2008

The 2008 AGM and Valentines Day marked the changing of BFM regime and a celebration of the past year.   Im celebrating cuz it’s my last trash!!   I would like to take this opportunity to thank Word Press for reformatting the text of every trash I posted …making random words really huge for no apparent reason, unbolding all your names, changing Times New Roman to Arial, changing the color of the text, and putting large amounts of unnecessary space between the lines and

[unnecessary space]

 

paragraphs. The extra hour I spent after posting each trash trying to get it back to its original state was a fun little game we played and I will miss that.  And not sure why it only offers me the choice of 2 dumb emoticons:

  and    

That’s it.  I’m either feeling gay or angry.   What the hell is that thing on top of the yellow one’s head anyway?  All of you new On Secs will soon know my pain.

So who better than to spend Valentines Day with than several of your favorite hashers? 
 
Little Red Riding Wood, Anal Pro Boner, Europee’n on Me, Soft Core Analyst, Up Her Ali, Hold the Sausage, Holy Fuck, Sloppy Ho, Well Hung Jury, Fire Down Under, Virgin Pimp, Rear Engineer, Scooby Snatch, 2 Clump Chump, Target, Cause for Blindness, S&M Man, Midnite Tranny to Georgia, Cherry Poppens, Just Rachel, Stacks, Jingle Ballzzz, E=My Cock Squared, Strap On, Just Archana, Just Laura, He’s a Lesbian, Just Christina, Lick Hymen, Piss Cycle, Tight Lips, The Rash, Son of A Goatfucker, Can You Hear Me Now?, Popeye’s Bitch, Skin Fiddle, Just Rick, Mayor Quimby, and STAN
 
I got lost in South Philly on the way to Triangle Tavern – thanks to the patient bartender who guided me halfway back across the city when I turned the wrong direction off of “Pass-yunk.”   I caught the Mob running off in the distance and threw my stuff to Up Her Ali as I took off to catch them. Luckily the pack was a bit slow tonight. 
 
I ran up behind Virgin Pimp as he yelled out something that sounded like “I’m Cold!” to the pack ahead. What a pussy, I thought. But he told me he was actually saying “On Called!” which is a British hash call when the pack finds marks and someone has yelled on-on.  I do not know why I didn’t violate him for this later.   We passed a guy in a wheelchair rolling down the middle of the street looking like he was racing us. I swear I heard him yell, “Yo. On One!” as I went by, which is the street hash call when the pack finds marks or drugs. But he was very incoherent so it was probably more like “Yahownonwan.”
 
After a long first leg, we had a beer check at Little Red’s.who conveniently lives right next door to The POPE!   Not the man, the bar.   We sat in her cute little kitchen as hashers began inspecting her Ovaltine and squash.   “That’s a penis – only smaller!” Scooby said. Yeah.
 
CIRCLE:
 
Circle began with a toast to the Gynocracy … brought to you by Hold the Sausage, Sloppy Ho, Up Her Ali, Europeen’ On Me, and Holy Fuck. You laughed, you cried, you bitched and moaned, but mainly you got drunk on cheap beer. And you liked it. 
 
Hares: Hold the Sausage, Up Her Ali
 
First In/Last In: S&M Man/Piss Cycle
 
Autohashers: E=MyCockSquared, Strap On, Skin Fiddle, Lick Hymen, Son of a Goat Fucker, He’s a Lesbian
 
Long time, no seeum: He’s a Lesbian and Fisted Sister (formerly Just Christina, who was named by some guy CYHMN at the Philly Hash)
 
Violations

Sloppy Ho for always carrying condoms for protection

Lick Hymen for inspecting a regular condom and remarking “That’s an awfully big condom!”
 
Anal Pro Boner for tech on trail
 
Rear Engineer for bragging about his 6-minute mile
 
 
Before closing circle, Sloppy told the crowd if they wished to sing the praises of the Gynocracy now was the time…
 
“Moving on …” – Skin Fiddle
“I love pussy!” – Scooby
“Did you say sing?” – Cause
 
 
AWARDS:
 
The Gynocracy presented awards to those hashers who throughout the year have distinguished themselves from the rest of group by exhibiting model hash behavior. You make us proud.
 

“Hash Crash Award” – Runners up, Sloppy Ho and Can You Hear Me Now, were no competition for Stacks’ winning display of torn flesh, oozing blood, and protruding bone in Manayunk. Well deserved!

The Plastic Pud Memorial “Shitastic Trail Award” — Some honorable mentions were Virgin Pimp’s and Where’s My Vagina’s trail in Fairmount for the Skin Fiddle Labor Day Party Hash. It was WMV’s first night running with the hash in Philly. VP lost her in 5 minutes. The trail eventually disappeared so the Mob gave up and found a random beer check to drink at so Skin Fiddle would more have time alone to cook his wings. Next there was S&M Man’s infamous Manayunk Trail — No one had ID for the beer check and the trail went straight through the middle of hockey game pissing off the players. But nothing takes the cake more than fake beer checks with O’Douls, searching for a mythical “house where the little man lives”, and the hare having to coax the pack a half mile back to an alleged beer check on pitch black train tracks.  That should have been so easy to find. Yes, the award went to Jingle Ballzzz and Anal ProBoner. You make Pud proud.

The “PBR Award” for biggest beer whiner. – There was fierce competition in this category throughout the year. Of note, beer snob Little Red Riding Wood who would much prefer we drink Pilsner Urquell, and Popeye’s Bitch who dreams of Magic Hat #9 down downs, and Fruit of the Clue who would probably be happier with a nice jug wine. But consistency is key, and for his ritual complaining week after week, Skin Fiddle emerged as the winner in this category. It appears his refusal to pay hash cash in favor of buying his own Miller Hi Life is more of a grudge against PBR than good taste in beer though.

The “Philadelphia Parking Authority Award” – This award goes to the hasher with the most parking violations during a single hash. I thought my luck was bad with 2 tickets in one night, but Piss Cycle managed to snag 4. And no one can beat Cousin IT’s getting the boot for all of his unpaid violations.  Incidentally, has everyone watched an episode yet of "Parking Wars" on A&E?   Theres a reason Philly has it’s on f-ing reality show on the subject!  See a meter maid boast that she loooves 4pm when all the meters expire so she can start ticketing. And the boot crew will show you how they easily get in and out in a few brief minutes before you have time to come out and maul them.  

The “Brokeback Mountain Award” for cutest hash couple – Sloppy Ass Kisser and Spongebath, No Pants were cute for sure. And Lick Hymen and Pink and Puffy had that one “fuzzy” night together. But this award really couldn’t go to any other couple than Popeye’s Bitch and Fiber Opdick. The stolen glances, the flirty touches…you thought we wouldn’t notice? Too bad only Popeye was there to pick up the award because I’m sure it would have been a celebration. And he appropriately had worn in his humping unicorns tee shirt with the big rainbow as if he knew he would win.  “Uck,” he said, as he accepted his certificate.

The “Cal Ripken Award”for who hared the most – This was a pretty easy one because most of the Mob is generally lazy. Congratulations to Soft Core Analyst… good effort! Also thanks to CYHMN, Jingle Ballzzz and Sloppy Ho for volunteering a lot, or maybe just being unlucky with straws.

The “Betty Ford Alcoholic Encouragement Award” – This one goes to the great men and women who motivate us to drink to our full potential. Honorable mention went to Nappy Headed Ho who was given the responsibility to “guard the beer stash” by the car for Circle and turned it into an impromptu beer check for everyone, causing the hares to have to go out and buy more. The winner was Well Hung Jury who ensured that each hasher take a minimum of 4 jello shots before they left her shot check. Cheers to you!

The “William Hung American Idol Award” for lousy karaoke –All of you are winners in this category, but it had to go to someone. Can You Hear Me Now took the prize for his tearful rendition of Lionel Ritchie’s “Hello”. 

The “We Lost Our Winkie Award” – We bestow this award on hashers who got really fucking lost on trail. Like Nappy Headed Ho who ran off into the darkness alone by Logan Circle in his bright orange pants, only to turn up a half hour late at the beer check. We didn’t ask questions. Then there was Where’s My Vagina’s first night in Philly haring with Virgin Pimp, which was mentioned before. The winner, of course, was our Albanian, Pink and Puffy Rides the Huffy who was 1.  Lost in the Manayunk Hills for over an hour and  2.  Albanian. Therefore we thought we’d never see him again. Three separate search parties finally brought him to the bar.

The “Joan Rivers Red Carpet Award” for best or worst dressed hasher. However you wanna look at it. – This vote was calculated by audience applause. The 3 nominees were Scooby Snatch for his dirty teeshirts, Fruit of the Clue for his retro 80’s running shorts, and Virgin Pimp for “just awful.”   Congrats to FOTC!

The “Britney Spears Award” for bad parenting –   The biggest scam of the year! In case you hadn’t heard yet, Mayor Quimby took Stan to Europe  and somehow misplaced her. He subsequently purchased a “reasonable facsimile” and attempted to pass her off as the real thing by markering her in all the right places and sand papering her … I have no clue why the sand paper. I was fooled too and Im her mother. Quimby claimed she was stolen by the Italian Mafia. 

The “Hashflash Award” – This goes to the person with the most contorted faces in photos. Hands down, it’s Rear.

The “Artist Formerly Known As” Award went to Piss Cycle, formerly Horse Whacker, formerly Rides the Chunk.   More lamings to come… 

Special Recognition Award #1 - Little Red Riding Wood for haring 2 rad hashes – the Prom and the Festival of Lights.   Wooo!

Special Recognition Award #2 - E=MyCockSquared and Strap On for paying our web site fees and keeping it clean of germs and STDs.

 
 
MISMANAGEMENT 2008/2009:
 
And if the evening couldn’t get any more exciting – THE 2008 ELECTION RESULTS were annonced! Raise your glass and throw it at the new Mismanagement:
 
Grand Mistress - Up Her Ali    You weren’t ready yet to let go of the gynocracy completely, were you?
 
Religious Advisors – Rear Engineer and Little Red Riding Wood
 
On Secs – 2 Clump Chump, Soft Core Analyst, He’s A Lesbian, and Jingle Ballzzz.    The trash now will have an all male voice.
 
Haberdasher – The Rash   [word press apparently likes the Rash and wanted to make this bigger so I decided to keep it as is.]
 
Slopperazzi – Stunt Dick Double, Sloppy Ho, Mr Snuffleupamuff, Holy Fuck, Just Archana.  Wow, with 5 cameras pointed at you, you’d better watch yourself.
 

The circle was dissolved and the hash headed straight for the chow… 8 pizzas and several hoagies were demolished in minutes. There was also a lovely cake in celebration of the AGM that read: “Happy Birthday BSM!”    Yaaaay BSM!   Whoever orders our next birthday cake may want to clarify “F as in Frank.”   But the BS Mob does have a nice ring to it.  

Since we had no power tools or utensils with which to cut a delicious cake, Europee’n on Me improvised and used the stem of a chocolate rose someone had brought in for Vday. It worked amazingly well. I later saw Popeye’s Bitch eating his cake with chopsticks. Hmm. Since I knew the evening would only get weirder, I decided to pack it in for the night.
 
 
On, on beeotches! 
HOLY FUCK  —>
 
 
Overheard:
“I don’t want to have to keep track of my sex toys at the hash” – Virgin Pimp
“I figured this was going to happen today.” - Popeye’s Bitch in reference to his award.
“We should have a Dictaphone – emphasis on dick” – 2 Clump Chump, on how he wants to record the trash.
 
 

 

 

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Rumson Related Events

Posted on February 12, 2008

From Cums With The Turf:

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Philly Green Dress Run Weekend: March 13,14,15,&16

Posted on February 12, 2008

March 13th : BFMH3

March 14th: Philly Full Moon - Green Street Pub Crawl

March 15th: Green Dress Run @ Bob & Barbara’s on South St

March 16th: Recovery Hash

 

Details to follow

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BFM 4th Annual AGM

Posted on February 12, 2008

Feburary 14th @ Triangle Travern

Curse at the Old and bring on the New

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BFM #207 – Do Shots, Don’t Get Shot Deux

Posted on February 12, 2008

Well, folks, the year of the Gynocracy is drawing to a close and for we Gynocrats, we’re getting excited. For some, it’s the idea of returning to just hashing, for others it’s the potential of performing other duties, in mismanagement, out on the horizon.
 
When I walked into Kelliann’s the mob was already taking over the bar. I was running late and feeling rushed so I focused my energies in getting every hasher documented. I was excited as well, since I knew, with each hasher I documented, it would be the last time I’d be required to do it. Don’t’ get me wrong, it’s bittersweet as well since it’s been a great year but this on-sec is looking forward to having only one hash responsibility on Thursday nights - drinking beer.
 
 
Who came:
Horse Whacker, Stacks, Stunt Dick Double, Hold the Sausage, Cause for Blindness, Up Her Ali, Damn it Damn it, Mother May I?, Sloppy Ho, Cunting Season, Tastes Like Chicken, Softcore Analyst, Just Vic, Lake Flacid, Just Liz, Just Archana, Cherry Poppin’s, Just Rich, Just Chad, Raid R, E= My Cock 2^, Heave Ho, Little Red Riding Wood, Rear Engineer, Anal Proboner, 2 Clump chump, Popeye’s Bitch, Scooby Snatch, Mayor Quimby, Just Craig, S&M Man, Fire Down Under, Well Hung Jury, Son of a Goat Fucker, Virgin Pimp, CYHMNow?
 
Sloppy circled up the mob, with her normal level of enthusiasm followed the “snatch air out” she’s become known for, while Hold the Sausage handed out slips of paper. We were informed that there would be no official trail this night. The slips of paper contained addresses where we would find each of the seven, count them 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 shot checks. How each hasher got there was up to them. We were on out.
 
The first shot check was a block and a half away and sponsored by our Grand Mistress, Hold the Sausage. She served up Snow Cones and Amaretto Sours. I passed on the Amaretto but happily indulged in a snow cone. I stated that the color reminded me of Scope mouthwash and Up Her Ali looked into her cup and said, “Thanks, I don’t know if I can drink this now.” However, never fear, she drank it and I do believe she went back for seconds.
 
The mob headed out and our next stop was the Casa de Skin Fiddle. On our way, Scooby Snatch told us how he took off on Friday due to the evening’s festivities and of the conversatio, he had with his boss about why he wouldn’t be in. Needless to say, Scooby and his boss now have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy when he requests a day off.
 
We arrived at Skin Fiddle’s and even though I decided to skip the second shot, I wandered in to see what was being served up. Skin Fiddle was serving a shot called “Night Train Express” It sounded kinda interesting so I asked what was in the shot. He picked up the bottle and said, “Nothing. It’s called, ‘Night Train Express’. It’s like Boone’s.” Oh damn, I should have known. Skin Fiddle isn’t known for supplying top shelf liquor, unless its beer. Glad I skipped that one. Boone’s, and anything like it, is on the bottom shelf at the liquor store for a reason – it’ll give you gut rot.
 
We headed off to our next shot check hosted by Stacks. Half the mob was already there when we arrived and so we lined up, ready to fill our paper cups with whatever alcoholic concoction Stacks had come up with. People must have assumed it was a tech check as well because both Rear Engineer and Just Archana were on the phone. Uh-huh. They’ll drink for that later. My nose caught a familiar scent, one I wasn’t particularly fond of so I questioned Stacks. “What kind of shot is are you serving?” “Red-headed slut”, she said. I lowered my Dixie cup. The smell was of Jagermeister. This Gynocrat isn’t down with Jagar so I passed. I was still feeling the effects of the snow cone anyway.
 
The fourth shot check was at Fruit of the Clue‘s who served us kamikazes and Manschevitz wine. For the love of Pete people, are you trying to give us all bleeding ulcers? I stayed briefly but headed out.
 
We headed down Green Street. Next up was Lake Flacid, who I might add was dressed like Fred Flintstone this night. When I asked him why he was dressed in costume, he said, “It’s the hash, why not?” Good point. Here at the corner of 19th and Green, Lake Flacid and Just Julie sponsored a shot check with tasty Pineapple Upside-down Cake shots. Lake informed us that he was similar to Scooby in that every ice cube, in the shot container, had been in his mouth.  A few hashers groaned but I drank my shot anyway. Why not? Saliva seems to work for the Peruvians and Bolivians when they make chicha so I’m sure it just added to the flavor of my shot.
 
About 25 feet down the block was our next shot check at Sloppy Ho’s. She served up oyster shooters, hot sauce and all! Yum! I grabbed myself a shot and down it went…not as easy as they normally do. Instead of raw oysters, Sloppy dropped a cooked oyster in each shot glass, which I wasn’t aware of and I almost choked trying to get it down. It had good flavor though. As I stood chatting, Just Archana came blasting through the group and walked right through the shots, sending most of them flying across the sidewalk. Scooby decided to have his oyster fly a different way…he decided that his oyster should swim upstream and he walked into the street and threw up his shot.
 
We didn’t need to go far for the last and seventh shot check. We walked four doors down to a waiting Rear Engineer who was serving Rocky Mountain Mother Fuckers. I have no idea what was in the shot but they certainly tasted good. I think by this point the alcohol was hitting most of the mob because no one r*n back to the bar. We crawled.
 
Sloppy opened circle with “Here’s to the Republican’s crashing and burning!”
 
Hare(s):

Visitor:         Damn it! Damn it! from Motown / Ann Arbor H3

First In:        E = My Cock 2^

Last In:        Sloppy Ho
 
Virgin:          Just Craig (Internet made him cum) coined “Craigelicious” by Sloppy
 
Auto-hashers:
 Cums Lately:
 Accusations:
 Announcements:
I walked our visitor back to the bar, poured myself a beer and began practicing for bfm #209.  My work here is done. 
 
 

On-on, bitches!

Europee’n on Me

 

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BFM Hash #206 – Finally! A Stunt Dick Double!

Posted on February 6, 2008

There is really nothing like cold rain. Especially when your umbrella has mysteriously disappeared and you plan to run outside for 30-60 minutes.
 
I walked over to the Lyon’s Den in the lovely Queen’s Village neighborhood. I was surprised to learn that the Wawa on 2nd and Christian was closed. The shop was now called the 24 x 7 Deli. How amazingly clever of those crazy kids…This struck me as a true tragedy. Where to get some quick cash for hash cash, a pre-lube meatball sandwich, and some watered down coffee? I was worried about the status of the neighborhood. Would it now be ghetto pimpin’ up in P H L? If so, watch out Europ’een and Jingle Balzzz!

Upon walking in I met some of the early crowd of BFM hashers. These are the folks who show up before 8pm. There is a normal distribution of when people cum to the hash and these folks are on the left of the curve. Strap On and E on are the far tail of the right curve. Lousy word press won’t let me show you my pretty diagram. If you really want to see it, I can email you my word document. It’s a masterpiece.

Attendees: Two Clump, Sloppy Ho, Just Archana, Jingle Balzzz, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Cunting Season, Europe’en on Me, The Rash, Just John, Just Mike, Likes the Hard One, Major Piece of Ass, Can’t You Hear Me Now, Little Red Riding Wood, Hold the Sausage, Fire Down Under and the many more who attended later on on.
 
Hold the Sausage started to hand out the straws. Either Just Mike or Just John pulled the short straw and they decided to hare together. I confused them for an/the ambiguously gay couple, but I think I was wrong for once. Sausage handed them the bag of flour and they were “off”.
 
During this time there were a couple of interesting conversations:
 
-         The movie “Teeth” is a must see for all men. Check out the following movie listings:
http://www.ritztheaters.com/synopses/films.php?movie_id=1287
-         We discussed the color of the new sign at the 24 x 7 mart. Two Clump pondered the opposite of red. Many responded with, “Is there an opposite of a primary color?” A lead paint joke ensued and the answer was deemed to be 42.
-         Can You Hear Me Now didn’t know that the super bowl was held on a Sunday. He failed to deduce the last word of the event, Super Bowl Sunday.
-         A seemingly homeless/”out of it” lady walked into a bar and tried to have a beer but left. (this will be important later)
 
Sloppy Ho hailed us to go outside and start the insanity. We started the circle and learned that we had a virgin, Just John. However, Just John was out setting trail with Just Mike.
 
The pack went on out. As we went out, we ran into Strap On and E. (this will be important in the next paragraph) We, the pack, went around the corner and there was a check. We searched for a while and check hung and then went another block and there was a check. We found trail and there was a check on the next block. Hmm… we were sensing a pattern…
 
The trail led us North towards South Street. At our last check at Bainbridge, Passyunk and 5th, we finally found marks on South Street. When the pack arrived, the hares had already been caught by ….E…
 
We waited a minute or so and started chasing after E. We went up 6th street to 7th and across Washington Square Park. A bunch of us got lost at this point. I went to tie my shoe and I told Soft Core Anal-ist to write something funny in the trash. He wrote, “something funny”. While I was lost, I ran into Sloppy Ho and Cunting Season, we guessed that we were going to the Locust Bar for a beer check. And we were!!
 
The good old Locust Bar in its hippie, dingy, smoky goodness… Inside, we had some beerage and conversed with each other. Some topics of discussion were: names of people we know, penis curvage – the good, bad, and ugly, and Patsy Cline songs.
 
After finishing our bevies, we went outside to continue the trail. The overachieving pack followed the trail; the rest of us lazy people went on-in.
 
Just Archana, Soft Core and I eventually arrived back at the bar. We saw the pack returning and decided to step it up. The pack, especially Rear Engineer, stepped it up to make it to the front door first but lost. (Overachievers….)
 
After arriving back, I ran into Two Clump and learned that he had become the third hare of the evening. I guess E got caught giving someone directions near Washington Square Park. Two Clump also relayed that he found a bag of cocaine on the floor and handed it to the bartendress. He really didn’t stop talking about it for a while. If you were around him, he talked about the coke. Addicted to Coke, eh?
 
In the back of the place, I went to get my bag to pay for hash cash. Sloppy was coming out from under a table and I thought of a “Sloppy in the Box”. (Like a Jack in the Box)
 
I also noticed a ping pong ball and thought… beer pong. Well, actually, our bartendress gave me the idea, Game ON!
 
The really fun circle!  
 
After hash beer was slowly procured since the Lyon’s Den only has a few pitchers, Sloppy started the circle. This circle was dedicated to Rudi Guiliani, Tom Brady, Eli Manning, and the Packers??
 
Hares – Just John and Just Mike, E=MC2, Two Clump – There were not enough checks, hares, and cocaine on trail
 
Visitor – Radar from Nittany Valley – He showed his nipple and it was hot like a supermodel
 
First In – Major Piece of Ass
Last In – Little Red Riding Wood, Strap On (when one GM drinks…)
 
Auto hashers – Holy Fuck, Well Hung Jury, (when one on-sec, and when on GM drinks…)
 
Accusations:
 
Rear Engineer was accused of racing to not be last in.
 
Two Clump was accused of being obsessed with coke.
 
E was accused of being caught by Two Clump while giving directions
 
Cunting Season was accused of having her necklace backwards so the bartender couldn’t read it.
 
Announcements:
 
February 15th – Full Moon – S&M Man Valentines Hash – Pour House – East Falls – Be there!!
 
February 7th – BFM - Do Shots Don’t Get Shot – Kelliann’s in Fairmont – 8 Shot Checks, Elections, and Drunkeness – Take the day off from work on Friday or call in sick!
 
February 9th – Philly Hash – Brag a Deer General and Dry Hump – Hashing in the Pine Barrens – Major Piece of Ass will be there – will you?
 
February 14th – BFM – AGM!!! Food, Trail, Beer, and the moment you have all been waiting for…. The new mis-management! Be there!!
 
March 15th – Philly Area Green Dress Run! Save the Date! More details to follow soon.
 
Last weekend – Bar Golf – If you weren’t there, you missed it.
Super Bowl party – If you weren’t there, you missed it too!
 
NAMING!
Let’s face it, when the namings come along, we roll our eyes. We haven’t had a good n(l)aming in a while.
 
Just Mike got on his knees and Sloppy Ho asked for some good stories…
 
Just John told us that Just Mike had gotten his penis broken, not once, but twice! Stunt Dick Double was yelled and it was unanimous. Just Mike was Stunt Dick Double.
 
Stunt Dick Double finally told us his story on how he broke his penis twice. It was with an ex-girlfriend. (of course, bitches) The first time, it happened he was drunk. He didn’t know what happened but all he knew is he woke up in pain and with blood stains… The second time, he blacked out, when he woke up, he was like, “…not again…”
Note: Please see Stunt Dick for the rest of the gory details….
 
Can You Hear Me Now was now the man of the evening. He is in charge of our crazy election process. You will see many, many emails on this topic. Please see the flood of emails in your in-box.
 
The following positions are up for grabs: GM, RA, On-Sec, Hash Flash, Haberdasher
 
You have until midnight tonight to nominate anyone to mismanagement. Tomorrow and for the next week we vote. Next Thursday, he announces the new mismanagement. Note: for more details, see Can You.
 
In this crazy election season, be sure to vote! You won’t feel any better, it won’t serve any major life purpose, but you will have done your part to put the “mis” in mis-management.
 
As you vote in the next week, be sure to thank a member of the current gynocracy. I am truly biased, but I think they did a truly shitty job this year. To more shitty trails with shitty friends and shitty beer in the future!
 
Some election quotes to get you motivated:
 
Homer Simpson: “Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos.”
 
From the movie Election: Tammy Metzler: [her campaign speech] Who cares about this stupid election? We all know it doesn’t matter who gets elected president of Carver. Do you really think it’s going to change anything around here; make one single person smarter or happier or nicer? The only person it does matter to is the one who gets elected. The same pathetic charade happens every year, and everyone makes the same pathetic promises just so they can put it on their transcripts to get into college. So vote for me, because I don’t even want to go to college, and I don’t care, and as president I won’t do anything. The only promise I will make is that if elected I will immediately dismantle the student government, so that none of us will ever have to sit through one of these stupid assemblies again!
[Student body erupts in huge cheers]
 
Art Spander, quotes about Election:  
The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid.
 
 
Al Capone, quotes about Election:  
Remember to vote early — and often.
 
Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.  ~Robert Byrne
 
On, on, YFF
Up Her Ali
 
 

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