BFM 218: What’s that fishy smell?
Posted on April 29, 2008
The mob gathered at Lelands in Fishtown. To compensate for dragging us all the way into the wilds, the “locals” Cunting Season and Rash volunteered to pre-lay trail. A smaller pack assembled right around 8pm, just in time for Little Red Riding Wood to organize circle and set us off in search of trail.
Rumor had it that several hashers ditched the hash to r*ce in center city. Pussies.
Who Came:
Just Jessica, Son of a Goat Fucker, Subcuntinent, Flounder, Radr, Target, Cause, Sloppy Ho, Mayor Quimby, She-Man, Deep Flute, Short Distance Rimmer, Anal Pro Bonor, Rear Engineer, Little Red Riding Wood, Up Her Ali, Cunting Season, Mama Cunt, Rash, Skin Fiddle, PissCycle, Hold the Sausage, Stunt Dick Double, Strappy, and E.
To add to the fun, Thursday was garbage day, and half of the marks were later covered with/near garbage bags. When asked why she hated us so, Rash replied, “yeah that sucked for you didn’t it?” Note to self, if ever invited over to Rash’s house, remember to “accidentally” drop a couple of drinks on her cat.
As we started down trail, a friendly wager was placed regarding whether we would find more drugs or pros on trail. By my eye, the drugs were out first, and in much higher quantity. Apparently a lot of the pro’s were “laying down on the job”. Try the ham, I’ll be here all night folks. Tip your waitress. Seriously, it only gets worse from here on out, if I were you, I’d stop reading now.
Because of a freak donkey punching injury, Cunting Season is not doing much running these days, and decided to lay her part of the trail on her bike instead. As a result, we had what felt like a 15 mile trail. Around mile 12, the pack got completely lost at the 8-way intersection near CS’s house. We are used to laziness out of her, and simply could not accept that there was no beer to be had. Many lamentations were expressed. These led to talk of turning back towards the bar, but with the fishtown is a Bermuda trianglesque street arrangement in fishtown, we decided that we were more likely to end up in north philly than get to the right bar.
After calling in a lifeline, the pack was back on trail, and headed towards the beer check right under the I95 underpass which shut down the whole freeway for 3 days last month, and made my commute so much more fun than it already is. Deep Flute came down to the beer check, and was immediately molested by just about all of the harriettes. FYI, if you are spending quality time with one of them, I wouldn’t be surprised if one or two of them accidentally missed a pill or 6. Its time to start double-bagging.
A crowd of auto-hashers were plowing through a fine case of @ss-sweat miller light. Anonymous Cowards report that Sloppy Ho was caught being like a total hypocrite, and couldn’t even finish her can. The 3 bitches in attendance Glander, Maddy, and Brutus were flirting shamelessly with anyone who would give them attention. It’s like they had no class … at … all. As the pack set off, Glander practically dragged Subcuntinent home.
We got back to the bar just in time to see the flyers blow their lead and send the game into overtime. Now I’m not a philly native, so there are a few things I just don’t understand about this city. One of them is how we revel in snatching defeat from the jaws of victory; Its almost an art form. Back home all we care about is that our stars are schtupping half of the known world. To each his own I guess.
In other news
Circle:
Hare: Cunting Season, Rash, and Da Mayor
Virgins: Jessica
First In – Skin Fiddle
Last In – Jingle Balllzzz
Auto Hashers – Pisscycle, Skin Fiddle, E (looking particularly dapper), She-Man, and Hold the Sausage
Comes Latelys – Mayor Quimby, She-Man
Side-Side – E/Hold the Sausage
Accusations
Sloppy gave us waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much information about Flounder’s sex life in the form of an accusation. She was quickly accused of a false accusation, and scarring the souls of the assembled hashers and brought into circle and made to drink
Stunt Dick Double was accused of trying to run over a 4 year old child whose only offence was cowering in front of him on trail
Pisscycle was accused of racing the previous Sunday.
As circle finished, we learned that the flyers had successfully f*cked it up. Again.
Announcements:
Haberdashery – Talk to the Rash.
May 1st - BFM # 219 – Northern Liberties Bar Crawl! 730PM at Standard Tap
Philly Hash - a bunch of slackers this week
May 3 - Philly Roller Girls - Philly Roller Derby Doors at 5, bout at 6. Bumble Beaver AKA Tara Newone will be there and promises that she will beat Carolina down and send them limping home down the old dirt road. More info at http://www.phillyrollergirls.com/
May 3 – Delaware Park - Skinfiddle, Rash and others are going to Delaware park to bet on the horsies. For more info, call Fiddle.
May 4 – Goat Racing – The SlyFox Bock and Goat Race starts at noon. Cheer
the goats racing for their namesake beer, marvel at men and boys in lederhosen, dance with the beerwenches to the lively sounds of the german oompa band, stuff your faces with bratwursts and kraut (you ran 10 miles, you can afford it), and of course get wasted on some of the strongest beer you’ve ever tasted… (since the beer is soooo strong, we want to get a van not worry about transport, just having fun)
RSVP to Up her Ali fuzzypls at yahoo.com $34 bucks CASH (if we have 14 people) will be due when you step on the bus and there’s a 48 hour cancellation policy for no-shows.. If you don’t show up and we can’t get someone to fill your spot, you will owe $34
Departure: Boarding the van at McFaddens at the Ballpark at 11:00am. We leave PROMPTLY at 11:15. If you plan to go home and get pretty after the Broad
Street, make sure you are back in plenty of time or you will be driving yourself and you will owe $34. We recommend you just bring a change of clothes in your car, check your bag at the start, or have someone bring you a change of clothes after the r*ce.
Return: We will leave the Bock and Goat fest (in an altered state) at 4:15 for arrival back at McFaddens at 5pm. More info at www.slyfoxbeer.com/events/bock/
June 12 – PROM!!!!! – start cruising craigslist for your date
August – Phillies Tailgate – Cousin It. Be there!
After hash wound down, a few hashers headed over to westy’s to sing us some karaoke. It was a whole lot more country than usual, (the regulars/ringers looked at us with their usual pained look of disdain) and we closed down the place at 2am.
Quotes of the Night
It takes me at LEAST a half hour to tape down my dick – Just Jessica
I LOVE the kitty – Just Jessica
Upper Decking, it’s not so much a skill as a lifestyle – Just Jessica
Jingle Ballzzz
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BFM# 217 Ben Franklin Memorial Run
Posted on April 20, 2008
...when the pain and difficulty of breathing entirely left him, and his family were flattering themselves with the hopes of his recovery, when an imposthume, which had formed itself in his lungs, suddenly burst, and discharged a quantity of matter, which he continued to throw up while he had power; but, as that failed, the organs of respiration became gradually oppressed; a calm, lethargic state succeeded; and on the 17th instant (April, 1790), about eleven o’clock at night, he quietly expired, closing a long and useful life of eighty-four years and three months.
This was how Dr. John Jones, in his book, The Life of Benjamin Franklin, described that moment on April 17th 1790 when Ben Franklin slipped his mortal coil. While the biggest event in Philadelphia at the time, it barely received any notice at all on April 17, 2006. No one in the city knew.
Except the Ben Franklin Mob. The sick fucks. Well, we all didn’t remember it. Apparently either Up Her Ali or Little Red Riding Wood remembered it and prepared accordingly. I don’t know which one had the bright idea to celebrate his death, so I am giving both of them credit.
Either way, Wood prepared the trail and Ali secured the spot, Drinkers on 124 Market Street, the site of a few hashes in the past, and one in which you can snag a bottle of Miller Lite really cheap Woohoo!
I showed up to find a few hashers already there and getting ready. Wood had promised to lay an awesome trail, and remembering how she had laid others previously, I knew we were in for a lot of running and a lot of beer checks. Rock on!
MEMORIAL HASHERS
Rash, Rear Engineer, Big Tackle, Skin Fiddle, Pink & Puffy Rides the Huffy, The Ho sisters (Sloppy and O I), 2 Clump Chump, Fisted Sister, He’s A Lesbian, Stunt Dick Double, 3 Balls, Just Peter, Little Red Riding Wood, Soft Core Analyst, Mother May I, Sloppy Ass Kisser, Cunting Season, Tastes Like Chicken, Sub Cuntinent, Nappy Headed Ho, Short Distance Rimmer, Lick Hymen, Fire Down Under, Just Jeff, Hold The Sausage, Rangoon Fire (Wellington NZ H3), Scooby Snatch, Holy Fuck, Bumble Beaver, Mother Bates, Popeye’s Bitch, Piss Cycle, Mr Snuffleupamuff, Lick Hymen, Just Theresa and Stan.
Within a few minutes, our RA’s drug us outside to give us the chalk talk for the evening. Outside a new mark awaited us: The BFN which did not mean beer f$%^ng near, but meant that there was a site that had something to do with Ben Franklin or something. Wood promised to take the walkers off to the beer stops and in a few seconds away we went.
THE TRAIL
Off we ran, West down Market, past a bunch of yuppies eating outside and wondering just who the thirty-some odd people were, running right through their dinners. As we past one group I saw John Krasinski who plays Jim in “The Office” stand up point at us and say, “Oh shit, that’s them!” Then I realized it was Short Distance Rimmer. Does anyone else realize how much he looks like that guy?
Anyway, off we ran, past some poor guy in colonial garb, ringing a bell and giving a historical briefing for a bunch of tourists who had nothing better to do at 8 PM on a Thursday night. We turned South on 4th and West on Chestnut, South on 5th and still West on Locust, through Washington Park, South on 7th then West on Delancy, through old cobblestone alleys, then South again on 8th, and West on P-Pat-Pine, where we found our first BFN signifying that Ben Franklin single Handedly built Pennsylvania Hospital in 1751.
We hung a right and ran North on 9th street and then West down an alley named Bonapart Court, where some nimrod had parked his car in the middle of the street and was no doubt inside hearing all the cries of “On-On!” and praying he still had a car left. Then North through another alley and West on Irving, then North on Delhi and into a park on the South Side of Jefferson Hospital and then North on 10th.
I was feeling great, the wind in my face, a spring to my step and then as I jumped back up on the sidewalk I saw the bottom of my left sole as I twisted my ankle. I cursed and tried to stay upright, but tripped and sailed, ass over head into a heap next to Sloppy Ho, who being the gentle soul she is, looked at me, laughed her ass off and KEPT RUNNING! WTF! Nice job, Doctor!
At least Stunt Dick Double showed he cared, as he asked, “Dude, are you all right? That was an awesome PLF!” For those of you who don’t know, A PLF is a parachute Landing Fall, a way to land when jumping on a static-line parachute. When you come in at 28 feet a second, you are supposed to make contact with the balls of your feet, your calf, thigh, buttocks and opposite shoulder (What the smart people call the pull up muscle), and roll out of it. Now in ten jumps I have YET to do a proper PLF, I always have landed Feet-Ass-Head, or Feet-Back, or Feet-Face. It figures now, when I am wearing shorts and t-shirt I do it right, scraping the hell out of my knee. Now when you twist your ankle you are supposed to walk and stay off of it, so like a dumbfuck, I kept running, although this time more slowly and gingerly….
We continued North on 10th, then East on Market, and I was hoping for a beer stop soon, then North again on 9th, then East on Arch, then North again past the Roundhouse and East on Race, and into Franklin Square, then North on 6th. At this point, Sloppy Ho and Mother May I pointed to the 5-story Lighting and Key monument, at the base of the Ben Franklin Bridge and said, “When did they put that up? I never saw THAT before.” I can understand why, it’s only Five flipping stories high! At the base of a huge Bridge, and next to a circle! At least one of them has been here for over a year. I made a mental note to make violate Sloppy’s ass for that.
We then ran East on Wood St, then South on 4th and East on Race as I prayed for a beer stop, hopefully at that great bar on 3rd and Race. No such luck, we ran South on 3rd, then East on Arch where I saw the blessed “BN”. It was into an alley we went on the 200 block of 2nd, where we encountered Short Distance Rimmer and an awesome beer stop. The site chosen was this great patio next to a multi story car park and a burned out house. Philly rocks!
SDR’s beer was great. I can’t remember the name of it, but it was CHEAP too.
After a few minutes of this we ran off again down another street and West on Arch to Ben Franklin’s Grave at Christ Church. When he was 28, Franklin had wanted his epitaph to read:
The Body of B. Franklin Printer; Like the Cover of an old Book, Its Contents torn out, And stript of its Lettering and Gilding, Lies here, Food for Worms. But the Work shall not be wholly lost: For it will, as he believ’d, appear once more, In a new & more perfect Edition, Corrected and Amended By the Author.
Instead, it merely reads: Benjamin and Deborah Franklin. While we all stopped to pay our respects, Stunt Dick Double showed how reverent he was and said “Fuck this, lets go!” and took off. Nice.
There is an tradition in Philly that newlyweds throw a penny on Franklin’s grave on their wedding day for good luck, but it has since been eclipsed by people throwing any kind of coin there. While I tossed a dime, I heard Sloppy Ass Kisser moan that she had no coins. I headed off down trail and was tackled by a breathless 2 Clump Chump who reported what had happened as soon as I left. I knew I was in for a story when he screamed, “Holy shit you missed it!”
Apparently the forlorn and coinless SAK, in an inspired moment, gave the OPTION to the grave! 2 Clump damn near wedged his neck through the metal grates to see, but alas could only report that she did so. He made up for it by quickly finding a sleeping bum and marking a Turkey / Eagle split around the guy. Off we continued, South on 5th, then East in a park then South on 4th then East on Market ON IN to the bar.
Total Distance: 3.87 miles.
CIRCLE
HARE: Little Red Riding Wood, who did have a cool trail. But we still marked it as shitty.
FIRST IN / LAST IN: Just Peter / Skin Fiddle
VIRGIN: Just Theresa, Just Jeff made her come.
VISITOR: Rangoon Flyer (Wellington H3, Showing he had New Zeal and Energy)
CUMS LATELYS: Bumble Beaver, 3 Balls, Oh I Ho.
AUTOHAHASHERS: Skin Fiddle, Hold The Sausage, Fisted Sister, Tastes Like Chicken, Cunting Season, Oh I Ho, Short Distance Rimmer, Just Jeff, Just Theresa
ACCUSATIONS:
He’s A Lesbian- for downloading a Lifetime movie on his Iphone, watching it, and then really fucking up and recommending it to others. (Author’s note: It was a really good movie about serial killers. If it had been Zodiac, no one would have said anything!) and Soft Core Analyst and 2 Clump Chump under the when one man sec drinks rule….
Sub Cuntinent- For still wearing her green dress long after the run.
Lick Hymen – For dressing like the Fonz (I think, trying to read my chicken scratch writing)
Just Jeff and Nappy Headed Ho- Wearing new shoes (and yes, they drank out of them)
Mother May I: for wearing a shirt that “Race” on it. So what if it said “Grace?” we can’t tell the difference. And while we’re on the subject…
Sloppy Ho for wearing a Race shirt of a different kind that said “Vote Hillary”
He’s A Lesbian (Again) for being an overachiever and inviting the actor who plays Benjamin Franklin to the hash, and then frakking up and letting Sloppy Ho know he did it.
Piss Cycle for something or other but I was too busy being handed a beer to drink so I didn’t take notes.
BIRTHDAY SIDE SIDES: PissCycle
The circle was closed and everyone wandered upstairs for more beers, where someone found A PINK HUFFY parked outside. During this time someone stole Stan again, and when last we heard from her, she was on her way to England and being forced to watch a Lifetime movie…
OVERHEARD AT THE HASH:
“Pink and Puffy came up to me and said “Holy Sex!” It was adorable.” – Holy Fuck.
39376
On On
He’s A Lesbian
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BFM # 216 – Manayunk the NEW “Place where we drink”
Posted on April 13, 2008
I went out on a limb to get 105 Social lined up with drink specials/food, and at 7:45 with only 6 hashers to speak of, I was getting worried. But, my fears dissolved at around 7:50 when the pack started arriving in mass. The long trip out to the Yunk was not a strong enough deterrent against the unbelievable weather we were graced with.
Who Came:
All Turd Boy, Anal ProBoner, Big Tackle, Cause for Blindness, Cousin It, Cunting Season, E=MC2, First Down, Flounder, Fruit of the Clue, Heave Ho, Hold the Sausage, Jingle Ballzzz, Lick Hymen, Little Red Riding Wood, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Pink n’ Puffy, Popeye’s Bitch, Radar, Rear Engineer, S&M Man, Son of Goat Fucker, Short distance Rimmer, The Rash, Two Clump Chump, Up Her Ali, Virgin Pimp, Finger in the Dyke
The Trail:
We drew straws, and everyone’s favorite hasher picked the short one, you guessed it E=MC2. I informed him that I had a keg of Blue Moon on tap and if he could find his way to my house, we could beer check there. He agreed and set off on trail. After a few minutes Rear Engineer called everyone for chalk talk. We realized we had no virgins, and somehow forgot about our visitor, so off we went. Now anybody who has ever been to Main Street Manayunk knows there is only one way to go, up. And up we went, but after a few blocks we hit one of the famous steps. Knowing E, I started checking up the steps, and about half way up the pack called out on on, and headed back down the hill. Annoyed I trotted back down the steps, and through a creative maneuver of simply going over one block, I bypassed the circle-jerk and met up with the pack. The trail continued in this fashion for what seemed like hours, all the while heading farther away from my house. I got separated from the pack, but finally caught up on the way back down the hill. At this point I realized there would be no beer check and we were too far past my house for an impromptu. We ended up on Main Street with the usual stares and comments, and then finally pulled up to the bar. The pack slowly trickled in exhausted by the 4 mile trek up and down the hills of Manayunk. One hasher inquired into the rumored beer check at Two Clumps, to which E replied “F*ck Two Clump, I was in the zone”. As an FRB myself, I enjoyed the aggressive jaunt through the streets I have grown to love, but I think some of the back packers wouldn’t have minded a break at the summit.
As the mismanagement went to work securing the $4 pitchers of “real beer” the cook brought out a selection of tasty treats. It almost looked like a Philly Hash with the pack focusing on eating, and drinking something other than PBR, rather than starting circle. After an extended social break circle was called by the elegantly dressed Little Red Ridding Wood
Circle:
Hares: E=MC2
First in/ Last in: Son of Goat Fucker / Cause (the eternal pair)
Visitors: Finger in the Dyke from TBH3
Cums Lately: First Down (Goat Fucker tried to claim they are a unit and he was present last week)
Auto Hashers: Little Red Ridding Wood, Up Her Ali, Jingle Ballzzz, Hold The Sausage, Fruit of the Clue, The Rash, Lick Hyman
Accusations:
Long Distance Rimmer for tech in the circle
Virgin Pimp for trying to convince cause to take “the option”, Long Distance yelled out ”since when is the option a bad thing” as you can guess he was back in the circle
The Rash, Fruit of the Clue for wearing new shoes (when will he learn) this brought in Up Her Ali and Cunting Season under when one GM drinks
Mr. Snuffleupamuff for forgetting to erase the porn on his camera before trying to take hash pictures
Little Red Ridding Wood for organizing the down down beer in color order and Rear Engineer under when one RA drinks
Up Her Ali, E= MC2, Cause for Blindness for wearing matching outfits and Cunting Season and The Rash under when one GM drinks
Announcements:
Philly Hash Sat 4/12 at Druids Keep
Philly Full Moon: Pink Moon Hared by Hold the Sausage and Sub Cuntinent
With that, Circle was closed and the hash went back to eating and drinking. While conversing with Long Distance Rimmer, Cause came over with cell phone in hand and showed Rimmer a picture of why we don’t encourage the option from her. Luckily for me, I averted my eyes in time. Most of the pack stuck around for awhile enjoying the nice beer selection and remaining food scraps, while a secret meeting between Hold the Sausage, E, and Strap-on, was held. While several of us pondered the origin and meaning of the mysterious Crosswalk Robots found throughout the city.
When asked what the pack felt of this bar, the suggestion of 105 social as home to the dartathalon was voiced, I guess that means they liked it? All in all a fun night was had, so for those of you who opted not to take the trip out to the yunk, sucks for you.
Over Heard at the Hash:
Mr. Snuffleupamuff "Luna, strong enough for a Woman, but made for a Man; wait, f*ck"
On, on,
Two Clump Chump
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BFM# 215: * + FBN = WTF?!
Posted on April 7, 2008
+FBN
This was the mark that greeted me upon my arrival at Kellian’s West. (Not to be confused with Kellian’s East, the site of the huge cockroaches and ghetto trail) I walked in to see our new quiet man Raidr, sweet-talking a local hottie, as well as Short Distance Rimmer and Dublin Dick (from Hockessing H3). I asked them what the cryptic markings meant outside, and we were pretty sure it meant a False Beer Near, which didn’t make much sense since we had beer already there in the bar, but we decided that maybe the marks were there for chalk talk. How prophetic that banter would prove to be.
Maybe the + was a new symbol for our checks. Who knows?
While I was pondering this, the rest of the mob started showing up, Fiber Opdick leading them. Well, not really LEADING them, I meant he just showed up first, followed by Anal, Up Her Ali, etc.
While there I observed the following exchange between Sloppy Ass Kisser and the bartender; she was showing him her GRADE SCHOOL SWEATS! Now think for a minute about this. OK, she still fits in her sweats from grade school. AND she has sweats that are at least six years old. Two words, hon., GOOD WILL. Besides, if I were to put on my clothing from 8th grade, it would look like that great “Fat guy in a little suit” moment from “Tommy Boy.”
THE IDIOTS WHO SHOWED UP:
Raidr, Nappy Headed Ho, Short Distance Rimmer, Fiber Opdick, Anal Pro Boner, Up Her Ali, Rear Engineer, Just Laura, Likes the Hard One, Mary Fucking Poppins (Blue Hen H3), Doggy Erectus (Hockessing H3), Sloppy Ass Kisser, Sponge Bath No Pants, The Rash, Just Liz, Virgin Pimp, He’s A Lesbian, Son of Goat Fucker, Popeye’s Bitch, Fisted Sister, Major Piece of Ass, Little Red Riding Wood, Fire Down Under, Jingle Balls, Strap-On, E=My Cock Squared, Stunt Dick Double, Mother May I, Coxxx on Demand (EDWH3), 2 Clump Chump, Cousin It, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Wheres My Vagina, Soft Core Analyst, Dublin Dick (Hockessing H3), Stern Em and Wrecked Em, and virgins Just Jeff, Just Kate and Just Katie,
As we were getting ready to think about running this great pre-laid trail, a commotion was observed outside with the tell-tail flashing lights of two 18th District cars stopped at the corner of 44th and Spruce.
Now if you ever want to empty a bar full of hashers, do not yell “Fire” or, “Last Call” “On-On” or even “Chalk Talk”. When the cry of “Holy shit, is that NAKED WOMAN?!” filled the air, everyone there killed themselves to get out of the bar and look. The entire bar was emptied in .24 seconds, faster than a Google search for “Man being fucked to death by a horse”. Look it up, you know you want to.
Outside stood a light skinned black woman buck ass naked. And I mean no clothes, nada, barefoot and everything. I mean she might have had hair extensions, but that was it. It was like that scene in “Terminator” when the guy shows up naked, but sicker.
The sad thing is I had seen it before, from a naked woman directing traffic at Broad and Lehigh (and doing a better job than the cops I might add), to the naked girl who bounced a radio off her mother’s head, to the fat naked chick who threw me over the nurses station at Hahnemann, and then rammed her hand inside herself and flung vaginal blood at us screaming “I got AIDS, I birthed all you motherfuckers!” Ah yes, good times in the city. In fact, remember a period in 1998 when, as a cop, I wrestled more naked women at work in a month than off duty, kinda shows how sad my life can be.
While all these fun memories were floating through my head, almost the entire mob swore up and down it was Cause being scooped up. The woman had the same basic physical look as Cause, I think. Even Just Liz remarked, “Those look like Cause’s boobs.” I never even knew Just Liz had SEEN them, but hey, maybe. We decided that if Cause didn’t show up for the hash, then it WAS her being locked up.
Finally Our Hares, Likes The Hard One and Major Piece of Ass snuck out and sent us on their pre laid trail. Rear Engineer immediately called Chalk Talk and we all stood out in the rain to get briefed. Out three virgins were all excited and ready, especially the Just Kate and Katie duo, who seemed relieved after Virgin Pimp velcroed himself to them earlier.
THE TRAIL:
Well well, well, now I love a good goatfuck as well as the next guy, but holy shit!
Off we ran South down 44th Street, and kept running, crossing Pine, Osage, and into Clark Park, where someone spotted the trail heading East down Regent, then South on 42nd and East up Woodland, passing the SEPTA trolley stop at 40th.
During this time I heard a most unusual sound on the trail. I am used to hearing the following, “On-on!”, “Are you?” “Check!” “Looking.” “Onon called”, and even “Oh what the fuck! This trail sucks!” but I have never heard “Squeak Squeak!” before. I wondered what was going on, did someone have new shows that squeaked on the wet concrete? Then I realized that the squeaking was coming from Just Laura. She was squeaking something that sounded like Beer Near.
Sure enough, at the entrance to Woodland Cemetary, there was a BN pointing into the cemetery gate, which two University of Penn cops were locking. Wow, a false Beer Near, we were right!
No one could find the trail at all, and someone noticed it across the street, so off we ran back to the SEPTA platform and found the trail headed North on 40th, then West on Pine, then North on 41st, then West on Spruce back to the bar.
Cries of “That’s it?” filled the air, and for the first time someone actually had the balls to say, “Lets run it again!” as we all debated on what to do and where to do it. Some suggestions were heading back to the park and playing Jailbreak, Red Rover, Manhunt, or as Fire Down Under yelled, as she slapped me upside the head, “TAG! Youre it!” So I hit her back.
She didn’t talk to me the rest of the night.
Somewhere during this time the two virgins Kate and Katie vanished, along with our hares, who were MIA, and presumed trapped in the cemetary. A debate ensued over sending a rescue party out to the cemetery where we were sure they had been locked inside. A plot was hatched to jump the fence and free them, “Bring a Lawyer!” Anal Pro Boner said. Some more debate was being done on whether or not to bring a grappling hook, when in walked our wayward hares, cursing Michael Nutter for telling the cops to lock up the cemetery at night.
Now running a trail into a cemetery is one thing, but when you do it at NIGHT? AND have a beer check there AT NIGHT? Many a scary monster movie has started out on such a premise. Perhaps we got off lucky. I mean after all there are fences up around them. People put fences up around cemeteries because people are just DYING to get in. Chuckle chuckle snort snort KNARF KNARF KNARF!
TOTAL DISTANCE RUN: 1.52 miles. Insert your own comment here.
THE CIRCLE:
HARES: Major Piece of Ass and Likes The Hard One
VIRGINS: Just Jeff, (Coxx on Demand made him come)
VISITORS: Coxxx On Demand (EDWH3), Dublin Dick (Hockessing H3), Doggy Erectus (Hockessing H3),
FIRST IN/ LAST IN: Stunt Dick Double / the Hares,
COMES LATELYS: Mary Fucking Poppins, Just Laura, Son of a Goat Fucker, Nappy Headed Ho,
AUTO HASHERS: Sloppy Ho, Anal Pro Boner, Fiber Opdick, Up Her Ali, Fisted Sister (Who was trying to hide, nice try hon!) Sloppy Ass Kisser (under the when one sloppy drinks rule) and He’s A Lesbian (under the family member rule, we only SHARE the same last name, we aren’t related, ya fucks!)
At this point Cousin It tried to interrupt the circle to make some announcement, and was shouted down. E=MC2 tried to come to his defense by saying, “Hey, he just got back from laying trail last Saturday.” But whatever Cousin It had to say, it was lost. SEE BELOW
ACCUSATIONS:
Just Laura: Squeaking on the trail.
Cousin It: Whining in Circle
Sloppy Ho: For being a bad slopperazzi, and Sloppy Ass Kisser under the one Sloppy rule,
S&M Man and Fire Down Under: for racing during the trail. (LAME EXCUSE #869: “We weren’t racing, we just didn’t want to be last in.”)
Long Distance Rimmer: for fucking something up
BIRTHDAY: Fisted Sister got her side side
NAMING:
Just Laura was brought in to be named. During the questioning, when asked her favorite sexual position, a dead silence filled the air. It was like the old commercial, “When EF Hutton Speaks….” Apparently she is from Pittsburgh, plays the flute, met Rear Engineer at band camp, and went to Villanova, does clinical research with Goats or something, my notes a fuzzy here. Name suggestions were:
Ass Systant
Flute Fucker
Band Camp
Squeaks on Trail
Oil Me Up
Beeker (since she sounds like a muppet character)
Beeker, I Just Met Her
My Butt Felt Funny
Ass Flutist
Steelers Suck
VP of Fun & Games
Cum On My Tits (She had a shirt that said SCUM, but the S was unseen)
Pearl Necklace
The mob voted and she will henceforth be known as Cum On My Tits, Welcome, YFF.
OVERHEARD AT THE HASH:
“I went to Catholic school and all I have to show for it is a very naughty jumper”-Anal Pro Boner
“I feel used, like a tainted tissue.” –Cum On My Tits,
“Oprah likes Sloppy’s Breasts” – 2 Clump Chump
“If you ever hop a fence you need to bring a lawyer.” Anal Pro Boner (on a roll)
“Why’s that shit smell so good?” Fiber Opdick
“You’re bigger than me in every way, shape and form.” –Popeye’s Bitch to He’s A Lesbian.
“Who is Benny Hill?” Sloppy Ho
“Is that Cause?” – Everyone who witnessed the naked chick being locked up.
On-On
He’s A Lesbian
Filed Under Trash | Leave a Comment
BFM 214: XXX edition
Posted on April 2, 2008
Up Her Alley cruised in around 745 with flour, appraised the situation and made the command decision to give me responsibility for finding a hare. After two passes through the pack, we quickly realized three things
- I can’t count; we still had like 15 straws left
- The mob was feeling particularly lazy tonight. I haven’t had to listen to so much whining (it’s too cold, you’re too stupid to handle pulling straws?, my vagina hurts) since my 5 year old cousin’s birthday party.
- We still didn’t have a hare
Luckily, 2 Clump saved the day and volunteered to be hare. If he hadn’t stepped into the breach, we would have had to stay at the warm bar all night drinking. We really dodged a bullet with that one.
Who Came:
Fiber Opdick, S&M Man, Fisted Sister, Just Liz, Woolie Mammories (White House H3) Radr, He’s a Lesbian, Short Distance Rimmer, Anal Pro Bonor, Mr. Snuffle up her Muff, Rear Engineer, Virgin Pimp, Where’s My Vagina, Pink and Puffy rides the Huffy, Softcore Analyst, Little Red Riding Wood, Euro’peen on Me, Up Her Ali, Likes the Hard One, Cousin It, Cunting Season, Tastes Like Chicken, 2 Clump Chump, Rash, Skin Fiddle, Cherry Poppins, Just Rich (Fozzie Bear), Just Ed (just Rich and Cherry made him come), Popeye’s Bitch, Sponge Bath No Pants!, Just Zac (Sponge Bath made him come), Goofy Style (G-spot), PissCycle, Hold the Sausage, Scooby Snatch, Well Hung Jury, Stunt Dick Double
LRRW called the reluctant mob out to the sidewalk. Unfortunately she was no match for LIVE NUDE GIRLS next door. More than half the pack was too busy ogling and taking pictures to pay any attention to our lovely RA. Dejectedly she explained the marks to our virgins, but you had to be blind to miss the look of rejection on her face. Afterwards, she tried to set the pack off, but in the words of one ex on sec, we’ve moved on from check hanging to “just fucking around” while we waited for one of the FRB’s to find trail. 10 minutes later, someone dared to leave our comfortable shelter of porn and beer behind and actually cross the street.
Is it just me, or are 2 Clump’s trail setting skills evolving like Bud on Married with Children’s luck with women? Sure in the early episodes Bud has awkward encounters, with girls, blow-up dolls and hand cream, but towards the end, he was getting the finest women that the Hollywood Boulevard casting couch had to offer. Similarly, while 2 Clump’s first trail may have sent someone to the hospital, AND completely lost the pack, it seems like every time he ends up with the flour now, we actually get a good trail. According to the pedometer stuck on He’s a Lesbian’s shoe, we went 3.75miles. Note that he was smart enough to tell me this AFTER circle so he couldn’t be accused of tech on trail. Next time I’ll be watching.
Anyways, the trail had loops, back checks, and a Beer Check. We looped over and around Penn, and eventually made it back to Callahan’s for a beer check. Pink and Puffy, Just Ed, and I hung around outside. Puffy was smoking on a funny smelling short cigarette, and seemed to be enjoying himself immensely. Eventually our hare then set a trail basically straight back to bar, including a shortcut through the schoolyard. He even took the time to label the world map on the sidewalk. If that isn’t pride in craftsmanship, I don’t know what is. Unfortunately at that point the pack was so focused on porn, beer and warmth that everyone but the Rash and I missed his artwork. When the pack arrived outside the bar, Virgin Pimp serenaded us with some timeless classics. Mid-song, the pack quickly entered the bar. Beer was inside (in extra large Pitchers!!!), and the mob quickly got to work
Circle:
Hare: 2 Clump
Virgins: Zach, Ed
Visitors: Wooly Mammaries – WHH3 – he serenaded us with their special song. Sloppy hummed along. Goofy Style – G-spot – he sung a crowd favorite rollback/foreskin. Then he had to drink again for hat in the circle. We were onto his little game.
First In – He’s a Lesbian
Last In – Sponge Bath No Pants!
Auto Hashers – Pisscycle, Fiber Opdick, Skin Fiddle, Scooby, Fisted Sister, Hold the Sausage
Comes Latelys – Rash, Short Distance Rimmer, Likes the Hard One
Special Accusation – Skin Fiddle quit a perfectly good job so that he could open his own ice cream shop (the xbox in the back of his van is just not enough to entice the more discriminating 8 year old’s anymore). His last day was last Friday. We sang him the “you’re stupid…” song
Accusations
Round 1: Pink and Puffy for paying hash cash all in change (and under the when one European drinks, Europeen on Me)
Scooby and Pisscycle – eating in the circle
Round 2 Pink and Puffy for smelling like a cheap french whore (under the one whore/ho euro rule, Europeen and Sloppy)
Round 3 Man-Sec’s were accused of no green dress trash
Cousin It then promoted his Hash (this past Saturday) by pointing out the ease of septa regional rail, and the promise of full moon beer. Preliminary reports from the event indicate that the assclown put together a 15mile trail. Note to self: be prepared to short cut next time
Announcements:
Haberdashery – Talk to the Rash.
April 3 - BFM # 215 – Kelliann’s Tavern 4333 Spruce St,
Thru April 4 - Backdoor Bangers 12 playing at 2204 market!!!
April 5 – Chug and Run 2 organized by Philly Runners at 9pm in locust circle. It’s 3$ and there will be beer there. What else to you need?
http://pub30.bravenet.com/forum/2500995625/show/1121273
April 5 - Philly Hash 3pm – Hared by 3 Balls. Right across the lightly defended border with Jersey.
http://www.phillyhash.com/directio.html
April 12 – Philly Hash 3pm – Hared by Can You Hear Me Now, northern liberties is strong possibility
April 12 - Philly Roller Girls - Roller Derby Double Header with Connecticut Roller Girls, Doors at 5, bout at 6. Bumble Beaver AKA Tara Newone will be there and promises to make at least one girl cry. More info at http://www.phillyrollergirls.com/
April 25 – Out and Back R*n – Bryn Mawr R*nning Club’s annual 4 mile run with unlimited beer and food afterwards.
http://www.runbmrc.org/2008outandbackrun.html
August 3 – Phillies Tailgate – Cousin It. Be there!
Now I’m not one to gossip, so you didn’t hear this from me, but Holy Fuck was almost late for trail, even though she lives only 3 blocks away. When she came in, she seemed a little flustered and out of sorts. Then right after circle she announced she had to run out for “5 minutes” and came back 15 minutes later with a wide smile on her face. In fact, it looked to me like she was positively glowing. In completely unrelated news there was 5min of porn for 25c video machines right next door.
Quote of the Night
If Backdoor Bangers 1-11 were any guide, 12 is going to be awesome!!!! – S&M man
Jingle Ballzzz
