BFM # 222 – A to A prime A

Posted on May 28, 2008

This week’s hash was at the Green Room in Fairmount, the land of no parking (you know it’s bad when the guy from Manayunk is complaining). I was a bit late to the bar this week, but ridding off of the momentum of the last weeks great trail, and the fact that we have all done Fairmount before, I thought this trail would be a lock. When I arrived Lick Hyman was sitting outside entertaining himself he proceeded to try and convince me the pack had already left, and since I did see marks on the way in I almost believed him. I went in side to find the pack alive and waiting.

Who Came:

Cherry Poppins, Cousin It, Cum on my Tits, Deep Flute, E=MC2, Finger in the Dyke, First Down, Fruit of the Clue, Heave Ho, Hold the Sausage, Holy Fuck, Jingle Ballzzz, Just Craig, Just Jess, Lick Hymen, Little Red Riding Wood, Mayor Quimby, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Nappy Headed Ho, Piss Cycle, Radar, Rear Engineer, Scooby Snatch, Short Distance Rimmer, Skin Fiddle, Sloppy Ho, Son of Goat Fucker, Stacks, Strap On, Subcuntinent, The Rash, Two Clump Chump, Up Her Ali, Virgin Pimp

 The Trail:

As a fellow FRB’r I was elated to hear that Son of Goat Fucker was the hare. I envisioned a long challenging trail; however, like Virgin Pimp’s last date, I was disappointed. Now there are no rules to laying trail, and when laying in Fairmount you can’t go wrong, as long as you don’t go north. You guessed it we went north. While on trail, I asked Stacks if we were going to her place for a beer check, she told me she had some left over red headed sluts in the fridge from the famed Do shots don’t get shot hash. We circled around and headed south, then west then north, then south, and so on and so forth. At one point we cam across a mark that could best be described as a Wu tang check. The trail made it’s way to the art museum towards Kelly drive. We crossed the street, and then again, and then again and ended up on the opposite corner from where we started (for you Virgins that’s called a circle jerk). The trail headed back towards the bar after what seemed like only 2 miles (I know some of you are ok with that distance), only to stumble on an unmarked false. Now, like trail laying there are no rules to hashing, but if you lay an unmarked false two blocks from the on-in, your gonna get an on-in. So the FRB’s headed back to the bar, crossing trail several times. Our arrival was met with some surprise by the auto hashers, as they had just sent the hare back out. Apparently he forgot to finish the trail. About ten minutes later he returned, and another twenty went by before the pack started rolling in.

Circle:

Just to be interesting (cheep) we held circle at Fruit of the Clue’s, you almost feel bad about making him drink at his own house, na. On the walk over I realized Fruits was much farther than I remembered. We used this time to discuss the naming of a hash that starts and ends at a bar, but circle is held somewhere farther then the parking lot, and then returns to the original bar. We settled on A to A prime A.

Hares: Son of Goat Fucker

First in/ Last in: Mayor Quimby/ Cousin It

Virgins: Just Megan by the Internet, and Just Scott by Subcuntinent

Then we had a manage a quatre with Just Doug by Just Katya, Just Katua by Just Andrew, Just Andrew by Just Jeff, and Just Jeff by Just Greg (I would have liked to have seen the footage from that night)

 Visitors: Just Steve (not sure where he came from, but he took the option), Cocks on Demand from EWH3, Finger in the Dyke TBH3

Cums Lately: Mayor Quimby, Deep Flute, Scooby Snatch, Heave Ho

Auto Hashers: The Manage a Quatre,  Piss Cycle, Rear Engineer, The Rash, Jingle Ballzzz, Fruit of the Clue, Skin Fiddle, Virgin Pimp, Hold The Sausage

Accusations:

Fruit of the Clue for quitting his job

Lick Hyman for picking the short straw then passing it off, because he didn’t feel like haring

Virgin Pimp for wearing his prom suit on the wrong night

S + M Man for calculating the circumference of the trail

The Rash for reciting the formula he used

Rear Engineer for wearing new shoes (and he drank from them) and under when one RA drinks Little Red Ridding Wood

Announcements:

May 30th The Savoy Company Presents Patience Tickets are $25 see Up her Ali for info

The Rash is peddling tee-shirts again see her for info

Prom June 12th: You get the outfit we will provide the drunk date

 With that, Circle was closed and the hash went back to the Green Room, as we ran out of beer. People drank and ate and not much happened after that.

Over Heard at the Hash:

S + M Man “I got my Balls sucked last night and didn’t even know it.” After further inquiry, he explained he found a tick on his sac

Two Clump “Are there any special forms of payment you will except for the shirts?”

The Rash “Well there is that thing you do with your tongue.”

 

On, on,

    Two Clump Chump

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BFM 221: West Philly

Posted on May 22, 2008

The mob gathered at Cavanaughs in West Philly. I got there early, and inhaled a big bean burrito a few minutes before starting the run.. The whole run, my burps tasted like salsa, and I feel pretty sorry for whoever was running behind me. But enough about me; How was the hash?

 

Who Came:

Just Jessica, Just Matt, Just Patricia, Virgin Pimp, Son of a Goat Fucker, First Down, Subcuntinent, Flounder, Radr, Target, Cause, Sloppy Ho, Short Distance Rimmer, Anal Pro Bonor, Rear Engineer, , PissCycle, Hold the Sausage, Stunt Dick Double, First Down, Goat Fucker, Virgin Pimp, Just Patricia, Just Jon, Popeye’s Biatch, 2 clump chump, Cherry Poppins, S&M man, Scooby, Just Taniel, Just Dave, Just Joe, Strappy, and E.

 

Our all-singing all-dancing RA, GM and hash-cash Rear Engineer distributed straws, and our virgin Just Dave drew the short one. Hold the Sausage quickly volunteered to help and set up a beer check. We should’ve known we could count on her to find the boys and the booze.

 

Eventually the circle assembled outside and chalk talk commenced.

 

Trail went over around and through penn, which was surrounded by graduating seniors in matching t-shirts making clumsy passes at each other and getting hammered in west philly. I almost got confused and followed the wrong pack. Luckily I was set straight by a large pile of wire hangers laid on trail, It made the campus look like some two dollar a week furnished room in Oklahoma, and I realized what my true direction in life was

 

Trail eventually wound into a parking garage. Unfortunately Five-O was waiting for us, and wouldn’t let us through. She had a look on her face that said, “don’t fuck with me fellas, this ain’t my first time at the rodeo” We decided that short cutting around might be a decent idea.

 

Trail meandered around the hospital, and across the south street bridge over to He’s a Lesbian’s bar. Right before the bridge, we ran into Target who had been forewarned of the beer check location, and was walking there. Just Jessica and Pisscycle took the opportunity to walk him in and do dirty things with him in the dark.

 

While we were drinking, another police car pulled up, and our faithful bartender went off to the cruiser to give O’Malley his pay-off. One of the sharp eyed drunks behind the bar took this opportunity to top off everybody’s glass. Sloppy Ho was upset that because philly is too cheap for surveillance cameras, he didn’t get busted and banned like she did when she pulled the same stunt in DC.

 

Outside of the bar, a creepy old man out front started a conversation with me. Apparently ishkabibl had something to say about the number three (3). It was very important that I get that straight. Sometimes I wonder if I have a sign on my forehead that asks creepy people to talk with me. I don’t know why I can’t get the respect that I deserve.

 

Circle:

Hare: Just Dave, Hold the Sausage

Virgins: Just Dave

First In – Just Jon

Last In – E?

Auto Hashers – Anal Probonor, Rear Engineer,

Comes Latelys – Cherry Poppins, Just Joe

Accusations

E accused Just Jon of reminding him way too much of his nemesis Lance Armstrong.

Short Distance Rimmer was accused of some bizarre shoe numbering/changing ritual.

E was accused of knocking some chick up. Twice. Seriously, people, don’t drink and park, accidents cause people. Get yourself some protection over here.

 

Announcements:

Haberdashery – Talk to the Rash. 10 commandments t-shirts are coming. Reserve one before may 23, or get ready to start crying into your beer now because you will not get one at prom.

Limited Time Offer!: The S&M man currently has blue pubic hair. Ask him for a special viewing

May 22st - BFM # 222 – Green Street 730 – special double-secret circle location

May 27 - Philly Hash - hared by Baby Huey

June 7 - Philly Roller Girls - Philly Roller Derby Championship! Doors at 5, bout at 6. Bumble Beaver AKA Tara Newone will be there and promises to end the year with a bang. http://www.phillyrollergirls.com/

June 12 – PROM!!!!! – If begging for a date hasn’t worked, try stalking instead. How will she know you really care unless you spend the whole night watching her sleep through her window?

August – Phillies Tailgate – Cousin It. Be there!

 

Quote of the Night

Is that the thing you suck on and stuff comes out?– Short Distance Rimmer

 

Jingle Ballzzz

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BFM # 220 – The night of many???

Posted on May 13, 2008

Under threats of storms I drove to the New Wave Café, and after four laps I found a nice spot out front. As I walked in I noticed the weather held, and the hashers were cuming.

Who Came:

Anal ProBoner, Can You Hear Me Now?, Cause for Blindness Cherry Poppins, E=MC2, Europe’en on Me, Fiber Opdick, First Down, Flounder, Fruit of the Clue, Holy Fuck, Jingle Ballzzz, Lick Hymen, Little Red Riding Wood, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Mother May I, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Piss Cycle, Popeye’s Bitch, Radar, Rear Engineer, S&M Man, Short Distance Rimmer, Skin Fiddle, Sloppy Ass Kisser, Sloppy Ho, Softcore Analyst, Son of Goat Fucker, Stacks, Strap On, Stunt Dick Double, Subcuntinent, The Rash, Tickel My Elmo, Tight Lips, Two Clump Chump, Up Her Ali, Virgin Pimp, Just Liz, Just John, Just Patricia, Just Kim, Just Kristen, Just Tanile, Just Joel, Just Ross, Just Dayna, and Goes Both Ways

As we stood around the bar, Up Her Ali distributed the straws, and Midnight Tranny to Georgia was the lucky recipient of the short one. Here at BFM we have learned (the hard way) never to send off a virgin hare on their own. Tonight was no different, well not quite, but more on that later. Now a note about the chalk talk, it was not right outside like usual, it was a block away at Jingle Balzzz’s apartment (formerly NNFA’s apartment), and apparently the on in would be there also. So why did we meet at the New Wave? I think I heard something about zoning and unions, after all this is Philly.

 The Trail:

I have been many called many things, but bad at hashing is not one of them, but something about being on-sec affects my hashability. The pack set off in search of trail, and search we did. Slowly making our way west we discovered a mark that I can only describe as a true trail check (a check with an extra slash). The pack argued for a few minutes over the origins and meaning of this mystery mark. Fed up with all the fighting and check hanging, I set out to find trail. After a five block sweep in every direction, I returned to last mark to find the pack gone. I set out in the direction I thought trail might go (back to the bar), but found nothing. As I approached the new wave I saw a pedestrian in dark spandex, a rare sight this far from the gayborhood. As he approached I realized it was Lickhyman and it all made sense. Apparently he ran into the same problem. We walked back to Jingle’s and waited for the pack, only to see Cause. The fear of being last in caused a mad dash to ensue between the three of us (you can guess who lost).

Before I continue a few notes about setting trail …

Circle:

In honor of the newest Indiana Jones movie we had to pass the test of faith by leaping onto the so called roof deck.  Little Red Ridding Wood called circle together and the fun began.

Hares: Midnight Tranny to Georgia

First in/ Last in: Subcuntinent / S & M

Virgins: Just Taniel by S & M Man, Just Kristen by Just Taniel, Just Joel by Goes Both Ways, Just Ross by Just John, Just Patricia by Anal Proboner , Just Dayna and Just Kim by Rear Engineer

Visitors: Goes Both Ways from Big Sky HHH (Great Falls VA)

Cums Lately: Can You Hear Me, Europe’en On Me, S & M Man, Fruit of the Clue, Just Liz

Auto Hashers: Tickle My Elmo, Piss Cycle, Rear Engineer, The Rash, Anal Proboner, Just Patricia, Jingle Ballzzz, Fruit of the Clue, Skin Fiddle

Accusations:

We had several Raciests this week

Kentucky Derby:

Skin Fiddle (I think he was watching not running)

Broad Street:

            Two Clump Chump,  Short Distance Rimmer, Europe’en On Me, Subcuntinent, Hold the Sausage

Goat Races:

            Subcuntinent, Up Her Ali, Mr. Snuffleupamuff and Sun of a Goat F*cker and 1st Down under when one goat f*cker drinks

Midnight Tranny to Georgia and Softcore Analyst for losing each other (apparently Midnight took Softcore as a co-hare, and lost him four blocks into the trail)

Mr. Snuffleupamuff for ordering a happy ending at Friendly’s and getting upset when they brought out a Sundae

Announcements:

Philly Hash Sat 5/13 Hare needed

Philly Full Moon: T.A. Flannery’s Friday 5/16

May 30th The Savoy Company Presents Patience Tickets are $25 see Up her Ali for info

 With that, Circle was closed and the hash went back to the New Wave, as there were some neighbor complaints (and I think the roof was caving). As we walked in we noticed several Hashers. They didn’t make it to circle, so they don’t get mentioned, plus I already put my notes away. There was much drinking and tomfoolery as usual. One Hasher asked me not to report her particular infraction (unfortunately she is not good at bribing). Let’s just say that someone scored a flower lay at the bar… From a guy with Down syndrome. She thought it was just some drunk guy, in her defense some of the hashers act a little slow after they have been drinking.

Over Heard at the Hash:

Sloppy Ho “That trail was so poorly Marked we couldn’t even shake Cause”

Sloppy Ass Kisser “I can’t handle all that gu”

Cause For Blindness “Is he even Legal?”

Just Ross “I’m old enough to be your son.”

 

On, on,

    Two Clump Chump

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BFM #219 Northern Liberties Pub Crawl

Posted on May 6, 2008

39,675
    Yes, folks, its that time again. At least once or twice every few mos, the BFM, our little drinking club with a running problem, decides to emphasize the “drinking” part and forget all about running. This week, our former sorority sisters Sub Cuntinent and Hold the Sausage decided to let us see how they usually spend their weekends, and walk from bar to bar in Northern Liberties.  
    After, deftly parking near where I was told the final beer stop was, I arrived at The Standard Tap and 2nd & Poplar, to find both Pink and Puffy and Up Her Ali dressed to the nines and holding their own as she went down the list of micro brewed beers.  Ali and I had a brief conversation about THE GREATEST TELEVISION SHOW OF ALL TIME, and then waited for the rest of the pack to show up.  A Few minutes later, The Rash showed up, just begging to be scratched, as she made her rounds, smiling, and making contact with everyone there, then moving up quietly to Up Her Ali and, after sliding an undetermined amount of US currency into our GMs hands, said, “I took care of that thing for you,” and was out the door into the night, never to be seen from again that evening.

    WHO CRAWLED:
Up Her Ali, Pink & Puffy Rides the Huffy, Just Craig, Fiber Opdick, Little Red Riding Wood, He’s A Lesbian, Short Distance Rimmer, Just Jessica, Hold the Sausage, Skin Fiddle, Sub Cuntinent, Fire Down Under, Rash, Scooby Snatch, Jingle Balz, Mr Snuffleupamuff, Rear Engineer, Holy Fuck, Two Clump Chump, Popeye’s Bitch, Nappy Headed Ho, and Just Pat.
    A few minutes later, we stepped out into the night….

THE TRAIL
    …and immediately lost a few people who ran across the street to hit the beer tasting going on at what looked like a beer distributor that only sold 40s.  We strolled down 2nd Street to make our first stop of the evening at Liberties, a bar that had previously thrown us out before. Sausage and Ali immediately told us not to mention that we were hashers, or even say the word HASHER, since the BFM had been flagged from this bar. So of course, a few of us wanted to start singing, “Free beer for all the ____”
BEER STOP #1
    Liberties is one of my favorite dive bars in Northern Liberties. In case you forget where it is, it has a Statue of Liberty right in front.  There are at least two stories and very few plastic people come in there.  There is also a painting of P/O Daniel McGonigle who was killed there on October 9, 1872, when it was referred to as a “taproom”.  The shooter was later acquitted.  Unlike Callahan’s where, everyone thinks that the painting that looks like a certain hasher is of a cop, this one really IS! (The Callahan’s pic is of a plumber who drank there regularly, I checked).  There are also booths made of church pews which I think is a great idea.  
    The beers were provided and we drank our fill, wondering just WHERE we would go next. During this time,  a crawler shared WAY too much information about a certain piercing through a certain appendage while Jingle Ballz was engaged in a finger contest during this time, and apparently won. In a few minutes, we were off, following Sub Cuntinent and Sausage who were doing their best Washington DC tour guide impression; “OK, people, we’re walking, we’re walking…”  
    So, off we went down Brown St to Front, where we turned left and entered an area that was deserted, as we walked underneath I95.  The creep factor went way up as crawlers crowded together in an effort to ward off the monsters that lurk there.  We eventually found our way to an old school house that had been converted to apartment complexes where we found ourselves at…
SHOT STOP #1
…Sub Cuntinent’s apartment, which, perhaps echoing her personality, was an old school auditorium.  Several of us noted that her bed was ON THE STAGE! Does she perform there nightly? For captive audiences? Of bored school kids? Who knows.  It was a nice place though. AND (for all you center city types) had OFF STREET PARKING!!!!
    While I was looking at the twenty-foot high ceilings, something white and furry brushed my leg.  I thought it was a rat at first and almost shot the damn thing, but both Subby and Holy Fuck crowded around it, screaming, “oh isn’t he so fucking CUTE!?!?!?” The large rat, was, I am told, a Pekinese or something.  Holy Fuck, with her penchant for torturing small dogs, and videotaping them for Youtube, immediately latched on to it and began comparing notes with Sub on where you can find oh-so-cute little outfits with which to play doggy-dress-up.  You know, there’s a special spot in Hell for such people…
    But I digress.  The shots were brought out, Red, (no idea), white (something clear), and Blue( no idea), and we all slammed them accordingly and as I noticed the “I love me” wall on Subby’s fridge, we were quickly ushered out, “OK, people, we’re walking, we’re walking, we’re walking…”
BEER STOP #2.
    To the parking lot outside where we were given some more sweet nectar with a lion on it, that looked EXACTLY like the beer I cant remember from Short Distance Rimmer’s plaza.  We sat there drinking and the next thing I new a bony hand tapped me on the shoulder…
    The woman was a warmed over corpse.  She wore a blue blazer and muttered something incoherently to me, as I tried not to notice that her white beard was longer than my chest hair.  (A pause for those who now have to vomit with both of those images in your heads.  Go to your happy place now).  No I love necrophilia as much as the next guy, but she was WAY weirder, and to quote an absent noncrawler (Are we still not allowed to say hasher?), “I’d rather lick an ashtray.” Sub Cuntinent quickly shooed her away and that was our cue to walk to our final beer stop.  
    Enroute, a few of us decided to sing “The S&M Man,” and “Jesus Saves.” Apparently Just Jessica, who had been wowing us earlier with her cleavage decided to reveal that she was really religious.  During our singing, she continuously screamed, “Oh my GOD!”, “Jesus Christ!”, and “Holy Shit!” and with that, we arrived at Druids Keep, which, for some strange reason, still tolerates our presence.  

CIRCLE

HARES: Sub Cuntinent and Hold The Sausage
FIRST IN/ LAST IN:  Pink and Puffy Rides the Huffy/2 Clump Chump
VIRGIN: Just Patrick, Nappy Headed Ho made him come on his bike (No seat on a bumpy street perhaps?), who Swallowed down his beer faster than the old dead guy from “The Man Show”, prompting Holy Fuck to scream, “That’s why Nappy hangs out with him!”
CUMS LATELYS: Fiber Opdick, Just Craig

ACCUSATIONS:
Short Distance Rimmer, Just Jessica, Just Craig, and Holy Fuck, for STILL wearing green, almost two months after St Patrick’s Day
ACCUSUS INTERUPTUS: At this point a drunk, not so innocent bystander, now forever known as Just Ralph, jumped in screaming that he used to work in Chicago, in a department store apparently, and is no longer employed and that it takes one rugby girl to screw in a light bulb, but you have to get his cock out of her mouth or something like that. Bear with me, but I was laughing too hard as I was scribbling notes here.
ACCUSATIONS CONT.
Popeye’s Bitch, for bike crawling, (Can I PLEASE say hashing now?)
Just Jessica: for having Bob Marley tattooed on her back.
Holy Fuck, Sub Cuntinent, and Hold the Sausage for some dumbass thing and under the when one on-sec drinks rule, the Man-secs that were there, which included Scooby Snatch, He’s A Lesbian, 2 Clump Chump, and Jingle Ballz.
Rear Engineer for being a Race-ist, he ran in some sanctioned running event last week, or is strolling down Broad Street on May 4th,
Jingle Ballz, for an unrememborable offence and when one man-sec drinks…..He’s A Lesbian, 2 Clump, etc…
Skin Fiddle: for putting 9 dollars in the jukebox. (I swear if it’s that Steve Perry song…)

ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Stinko De Mayo : Have fun, it already happened.
BFM beer stop during Broad Street run.  Great job guys!
Goat fucking: No lawsuits or subpoenas yet.
Roller Derby: Let me know how it went!

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH

Short Distance Rimmer: “I’m happily married to my mother,” long pause “No, wait! I meant my FATHER! He does an awesome mustache ride”
Just Jessica: “Bet that second dance was awkward”

“I’ve gotta sit down because I have a piercing on my dick.”-unnamed hasher

“I use my internet exposer”-Pink and Puffy

“Am I going to get raped!? Because if not, , I’m going home!”-Just Jessica
“Well there is this gas station down the street..” Fire Down Under

“I’ve been done!” Just Jessica (sharing way too much info)

“Ahhh, I touched you!” Fiber Opdick

On On

He’s A Lesbian

 

office furniture in Bulgaria

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