BFM 235: Bonners Baby! Bonners!
Posted on August 28, 2008
So, my apartment got its long delayed spring cleaning and everything that wasn’t tied down was tossed out, and/or covered in bleach. I had scrawled my notes on some unmarked paper, which was almost completely obliterated. So if I forgot your name and you really were there, please let me know as soon as possible so that I can make sure that the trash is the beacon of truth and accuracy that you have come to expect.
I’ve been out of town for a few weeks; our lovely GM and I decamped for Scotland for a few weeks. True we might have booked separate trips, and she actually spent a lot of time with some other guy, but it felt special to me. She told me not to mention anything about it, and says that “she’s just not into me that way”, and to “stop stalking me” but I know what’s truly in her heart. If I keep following her around, she’s bound to see the error of her ways and realize that there are some things that I can do for her that her man can’t.
So instead of running trail, I spent about an hour blowing up water balloons in the Lloyd hall bathroom. If you have the means, I highly recommend it, I made a bunch of friends. My favorite was the man who came in and hung around 20 minutes or so. Whenever anyone would open the door he would loudly exclaim, “I’m going to the bathroom” And there I thought some of the hasher’s were strange. In other news, there was a hasher singularity around 830pm, Sponge Bath No Pants!, Skinfiddle, and Up her Ali all magically appeared appeared at the beer check behind the art museum. As is bound to happen in those circumstances, a hula hoop rumble broke out. Now I held my own swinging it around my waist, but sponge bath busted out all these tricks that I wasn’t prepared for. OverAchiever
The pack eventually ambled over and settled into the case of lager. Eventually the water balloons were discovered. Lick Hymen was an eager participant, and must have thrown about half of them. They were a little bit harder to burst than I had originally anticipated, apparently Rear received several bruises, but was completely dry. We ran out of beer and balloons at about the same time, and the pack headed back on in.
Who Came:
Fire Down Under, Where’s My Vagina?, Cleavage to Beaver, The S&M Man, Sponge Bath No Pants!, Skinfiddle, Just Katie, Just Marissa, Cherry Poppins, Flounder, Cause, Rash, Little Red Riding Wood, Well Hung Jury, Sloppy Ho, Popeye’s Bitch, Popeye’s Bitch’s Bitch, Junkyard, Mediocre and Stupid, Panic Button, Gayzelle, Tour de Puke, Stunt Dick Double, 2 Clump Chump, Cousin It, Dr Squeelgood, Dr Snuffleupamuff, Rear Engineer, Subcuntinent, Anal Probonor, Up Her Ali, Just Julie, Softcore Analyst, Holy Fuck, Scooby, We’re not Voting, Cunting Season, Tight Lips, Scooby, Every Man I Blow, Queff, Target, Mother May I, Just Rob, Jane Goodball, Cherry Poppins, Can You Hear Me Now?
Circle:
Hare’s: Up her Ali
Virgins: Just Katie, Just Marisa, Just Lisa
Visitors: Panic Button H5 (he’s visiting almost as much as deathwish and yeast of burden), Tour de Puke, Gayzelle, - they came together to sing a disturbing version of secret agent man
Transplants: Just Rob, and Jane Goodball EWH3
Long time no seers: Jingle, Mother May I, Popeye’s Bitch, Softcore Analyst, Cragalicious
First in: Well Hung Jury and Anal Probonor almost came to blows over who had the “honor”. Suggestions that they mud wrestle it out to determine who truly was first were met with much gnashing of teeth.
Last In: Cause
Autohash – skinfiddle, dr squeelgood, flounder, cause, We’re not voting, Scooby
Violations – Just Marissa did something that I can’t read, and probably shouldn’t repeat, and all the virgins had to drink
Sloppy violated the H5 hashers for being unable to sing songs that didn’t involve cornholing.
Good Riddance: Junkyard – going back to Arizona
Side-Sides – Flounder and S&M. At 61 and 16 it was a meeting of the generations
The pack then dispersed, and made its way over to karaoke. The usual drunken mess of flirting, unrequested and uncoordinated ass rubbing, off-key singing, and poor decisions commenced. Mediocre and Stupid had to be warned more than once by to simmer down.
Apparently a bunch of songs were sung at karaoke and a responsible on-sec would have recorded them for posterity. The only one I remember was when they put GnR’s patience on in-between songs, and we shouted down whatever lame song was “sung” even after they turned off the music.
Announcements:
Haberdashery – The Rash will talk to you. – when she’s good and ready.
August 26th - Philly Hash - hared by Blasphemer in West Bumblef*ck
August 28th - BFM # 236 – Labor Day Pre-Lewd tentatively in Manayunk at Pour House
September 6 - Year of Strap On - Philly Hash # 1600
All day event Saturday 9.6.08
$25 (pay before July 4)
Strap On-Ninja T-Shirt - $10
Register and t-shirt here: www.phillyhash.com/strapon
Sept 12th Philly Full Moon ???
Sept 12-14th PA Interhash – Morgantown PA
Oct 11: DC Red Dress run
We have a NEW Venue
We have a NEW Management Team
We have a ONE OF A KIND Giveaway
We have CHEAPER PRICES THAN EVER BEFORE
http://www.whitehousehash.com/rdr/
Jingle Ballzzz
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BFM # 234 – Week Three, No Secs (Beer, Rain or Mummers)
Posted on August 21, 2008
As my patience gets shorter so does the trash
Who Came:
Billy G Goat, Can You Hear Me Now?, Cause for Blindness, Cherry Poppins, Clevage to Beaver, Crack Whore, Elephant Tightass, Fiber Opdick, Fire Down Under, Flounder, Holy Fuck, Junkyard, Just Adam, Just Blythe, Just Brigid, Just Tom, Little Red Riding Wood, Mayor Quimby, Mediocre and Stupid, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Son of Goat Fucker, Pink n’ Puffy, Skin Fiddle, Son of Goat Fucker, Stunt dick double, The S&M Man, Two Clump Chump, Virgin Pimp, Well Hung Jury, Where’s My Vagina, Wonder Blow
The Trail:
I showed up early to Grumpy’s early to find Son of Goat Fucker circling the block on his huffy, I told him you don’t have to drink for being the first one at the bar BEFORE the hash (unless you by the beer). I let off with the walkers to the first beer check, as our hare/RA forgot to make a walkers trail. I assume there was chalk talk, and we learned a new mark “MN” Mummers near. The trail winded up and over for about 5 blocks before we made it to 2nd and Manton where we encountered a beer check. This was no normal beer check, the beer was distributed by real live mummers, “The Fearsome Foursome Minus Two Plus One”, a division of the 1st Place Murray Comic Club. We were also expecting to see and hear music from a string band but the weather scared them away. Trail continued on farther south, over train tracks to the second beer check (I forget the name of the bar). At this point the rain had picked up a bit and the marks were a bit more illusive then normal. Luckily our hare was running cleanup, or telling us where to go.
Circle
Hares: Little Red Ridding Wood
Virgins: None
First in/ Last in: Son of Goat Fucker/ Cause
Visitors: Elephant Tightass, Crack Whore from Sin City
Cums Lately: Fire Down Under, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Stunt Dick Double, Well Hung Jury
Auto Hashers: Cherry Poppins, Just Brigid, Pink and Puffy Rides the Huffy, Skin Fiddle
Accusations
Little Red Ridding Wood for storing a plastic bag in her sports bra
Sloppy Ho and Well Hung Jury for lactating in circle
Dr. Squeal Good for Menstruating in the circle
After circle we listened to the jukebox and after the third Journey song we decided to go to another bar. Some one suggested Popes for pierogies and beer, so we walked. As we approached the door, I inquired whether we were at the right bar, because the sign says “Pub on Passyunk East”. Everyone was either too drunk, or ignoring me as usual, to point out that Pope was an acronym.
Announcements
Phillies Tailgate: Tickets are sold out but if you are going to the Tailgate RSVP, he just told me this week there is a website (he didn’t know we post trash online)
BFM #235: Bonners
Strap On’s “Ninja Dildo, 69 reversed and then doubled hash” Sign up and get a shirt
On, on,
Two Clump Chump
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BFM # 233 – Ghetto Trash
Posted on August 14, 2008
I have a habit of reading the trash and checking the bar location on Thursdays before I leave for the hash. Considering I wrote last weeks trash, I didn’t feel the need. After diverting off of 76 (it was a parking lot) and making a wrong turn at Eakins Oval, I found my way to Green st. and found a nice spot at 15th. As I started walking towards the bar I debated with myself, “was it 15th or 12th?” Annoyed I crossed Broad, but started to realize, maybe parking west of broad wasn’t such a bad Idea after all. No don’t get the wrong idea The Institute Bar is a beautiful new bar, but it is a bit of a diamond in the rough. Rear Engineer did point out that there was a Mitsubishi Evolution parked across the street so I had a 50/50 chance that someone would break into my car.
Who Came:
Big Tackle, Billy G Goat, Cause for Blindness, Cherry Poppins, Chocolate Starfish, Clevage to Beaver, Cousin It, Cunting Season, E=MC2, Flounder, Hold the Sausage, Junkyard, Just Bonnie, Just Brendon, Just Brigid, Just Dayna, Just Dev, Just Field, Just Katie, Just Marisa, Just Stephanie (who got named at philly but I forget what), Little Red Ridding Wood, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Rear Engineer, Short Distance Rimmer, Skin Fiddle, Strap On, Subcuntinent, The Rash, The S&M Man, Two Clump Chump, Virgin Pimp, Wonder Blow, Working Girl
The Trail:
Straws were drawn and The S&M Man drew the short one, Cleavage to Beaver assured me that is not normally the case. S&M set off and we met for chalk talk. We were introduced to all of Cherry Poppins’ virgins, she lives up to her namesake, and the hash doesn’t mind all the cute girls she brings out, but the guys look oddly familiar. After some insightful words from our RA, we set off in pursuit. The trail consisted of several circle jerks and double-backs, which is never a crowd favorite. One such loop brought the trail within a block of itself, and E=MC2, with his clairvoyance, circumvented the circle jerk and intercepted the hare. After passing a large clump of flower, where the hare had tripped and fallen (we forgot to accuse him for that), I found S&M standing around waiting his 5 min. The pack took off again in pursuit, a futile task with E as the hare. We soon realized that he was using this opportunity to train for the distance run. After touring the entire city and passing every acceptable beer check (some even twice) the trail led us to Westy’s, a long time favorite. We drank and talked and then on-in’d.
Circle
Hares: The S&M man, E=MC2
Virgins: Just Brendon, Brigid and Fields by Cherry Poppins, Just Bonnie by Wonder Blow, Just Tom by Just Adam, and Just Adam by himself (I think we found them at the bar)
First in/ Last in: Cherry Poppins, and Junkyard (they were holding hands or holding something)/ Virgin Pimp
Visitors: None (do you blame them)
Cums Lately: Just Dayna, Billy G Goat, Cunting Season
Auto Hashers: Big Tackle, Cause for Blindness, Cousin it, Flounder, Hold The Sausage, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Skin Fiddle
Accusations
Junkyard for wearing biking shorts and no shirt (last week was short-shorts, I am afraid to see what next week brings)
Little Red Ridding Wood for getting dropped off by her mom and under when one RA drinks Rear Engineer
Billy G Goat for false accusation and pointing in circle
Hold the Sausage for being an overachieving Ass Clown at her Triathlon, and Two Clump for my Unatalon
With that the RA announced a naming, and Just Dev was brought into the circle. He was interviewed and we discovered he is an ear nose and throat doctor, and he likes pigs (the animal, not unsightly women). And with that Dr. Squeal Good was tossed out, and it was unanimous, which was great for me because I was writing on a coaster at this point (Lesbian I want my note book back).
Circle closed and the usual goings on occurred, Rear engineer and Skin Fiddle attacked the Juke box and Virgin Pimp attacked the Virgins. The night grew on and the pack thinned out, and that’s when the real fun began. But you weren’t there, so you will never know…
Announcements
Phillies Tailgate: Tickets are sold out but if you are going to the Tailgate RSVP, he just told me this week there is a website (he didn’t know we post trash online)
BFM #234: Mummers Hash (with surprise guests)
Strap On’s “Ninja Dildo, 69 reversed and then doubled hash” Sign up and get a shirt
PA inter-Hash in Morgantown I’m not going so I don’t know any details (aren’t I a great scribe)
Over Heard at the Hash
The S&M Man “It will be a lot shorter than yours!”
2Clump “I heard you had that problem.”
On, on,
Two Clump Chump
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BFM # 232 – Dancing our shirts off
Posted on August 7, 2008
As I drove down Lombard Street I spied a spot at 8th that was labeled “Loading Thirty Minute Parking till 8pm”. Well it’s 7:25 and I get 30min which brings me to 7:55, and it’s South Street home of no parking spots, so I pull in and prey for the best. Just as I am closing up the car a parking attendant walks by, so I ask her if I am legal. She looks at her watch and says, I’m not coming back so you’re good (I’m not sure if I should trust her). Just Blythe uses this opportunity to ask her every question she has ever had about parking and tickets, the attendant was just happy someone wasn’t cursing at her for once, and it made the four block walk to the Woolly Mammoth go faster.
Who Came:
All Turd Boy, Anal ProBoner, Big Tackle, Can You Hear Me Now?, Chocolate Starfish, Cherry Poppins, Clevage to Beaver, E=MC2, Fiber Opdick, Fisted Sister, Fruit of the Clue, He’s a Lesbian, Hold the Sausage, Holy Fuck, Junkyard, Just Adriana, Just Blythe, Just Dev, Just Drew, Just Greg, Just Katie, Just Manny, Just Maureen, Just Megan, Just Stewert (Sgt Major), Just Stephanie, Little Red Riding Wood, Mayor Quimby, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Nappy Headed Ho, Pink n’ Puffy, Rear Engineer, Scooby Snatch, Short Distance Rimmer, Skin Fiddle, Strap On, Subcuntinent, The Rash, The S&M Man, Two Clump Chump, Up Her Ali, Virgin Pimp, Working Girl
The Trail:
Straws were drawn and as un-luck would have it Just Blythe drew the short one, Up Her Ali asked Fruit of the Clue to escort her, he was not happy. I offered to co-hare, but was told that I was not allowed, something about being to fast. Now for the record, I am always willing to run slow when there is a pretty girl involved. Anyway the two of them set off, and we gave them an extended head start seeing as how Just Blythe is not a “r#nner”. After a chalk talk consisting of numerous virgins and visitors being introduced, we set of in pursuit. The trail went south starting off with marks intermittently placed. Then the marks were frequent, and then they sort of disappeared again, kind of like the attendance curve of a BFM virgin (anyone remember Mrs. Robinson). After making our way farther south we started hearing music, one hasher yelled out “It’s the Mummers” while another yelled “On Hares”. Apparently the hares decided to make a Mummers Check to stop and listen to the South Philly String Band, but they forgot to mark it as a check, so they were caught. The new hares set off while the hash stayed and listened to the music. Some hashers bought “wooder ice” while others went and danced on stage. After a few minutes someone yelled on on (probably a crowed member trying to get rid of us), and we were off again. This time we headed west, and west and more west. It was obvious at this point where we are headed, the center of south Philly, like a magnet we were sucked in. Sober I can’t tell you the cross streets, but some how, like a marble down a drain, you can always find your way to Pat’s and Gino’s, for a hasher; however, It means a Beer check at Ray’s Happy Birthday Bar. Now the bar tender (who was named Free Beer Tomorrow a few years ago) is a nice guy and loves to see us, he just has difficulty showing it. The beer and cups flowed slower then cause with a bad ankle but eventually everyone was served. Free Beer requested we sing a song before we leave so we did. At this point the GM announced we had two choices, on in back to the bar, or assign a new hare. Mayor Quimby volunteered Stan to lay trail and off they went. We followed a few minutes later and big surprise the trail went straight north (both bars are on Passyunk ave).
Circle
Hares: Fruit of the Clue and Just Blythe (and a bunch more who didn’t drink for some reason, I blame the RA)
Virgins: J Manny by Sour Snatch My Rubber Back (The Rash’s twin), Just Katie and Drew by Cherry Poppins, Just Megan by Just Maureen
First in/ Last in: Stan/ Drew and under when one virgin drinks (it was $2 bottles night)
Visitors: Damit and Damit from Motown Ann Arbor, Dr. Doo Doo from Atlanta Area, Chocolate Starfish from Boston, and Sour Snatch My Rubber Back
Cums Lately: All Turd Boy, Anal ProBonner, Pink and Puffy (although I feel like I see him every day with all of the e-mails), Just Mike, and Virgin Pimp
Auto Hashers: Skin Fiddle, He’s a Lesbian, Scoobie Snatch, and Fisted Sister
Accusations
Pink and Puffy for too many e-mails (I think we limited him to one per day, that includes face book)
Just Adriana, and the Sgt. Major for making out during the entire hash
Mayor Quimby for volunteering to hare on in, but instead running straight back to the bar
Working Girl for eating an Italian on trail (water ice that is)
Just Drew for looking like Virgin Pimp
Junk Yard for wearing short-shorts
Rear for changing his shirt three times during circle, and when one Ra, Dr. Doo Doo/ Ridding Wood, and when one shirtless hasher Short Distance Rimmer
Just Blythe tried accusing Muff of something but it was overturned due to pointing in the circle and under when one hare drinks Fruit of the Clue
Subcuntinent for making a little girl cry (I can see that)
At the end of circle the RA announced that we had two potential lamings, but not enough time, so instead he was going to give away tee-shirts for the best sex story. First we heard about S&M and an unnamed woman and spoiled sheets. Cleavage yelled out half way through the story that he was telling it wrong. Then Sour Snatch tried to tell a story about being double teamed by her Boss and his roommate? At this time the Karaoke gods told us time was up, and the RA walked away without closing circle.
The pack drank and then ventured across the street to Fat Tuesday’s where they were carding very hard (they wouldn’t let Big Tackle in without ID). Some enjoyed various Hurricane drinks and food while others just drank over priced Budweiser. The night sort off drifted off in a blur after that. Oh and by the way the Karaoke that we had to stop for there were three people there, the fact that the girl didn’t have a list of songs didn’t help much.
Announcements
Phillies Tailgate: Tickets are sold out but there might be more, I don’t know what that means, ask Cousin It
BFM #233: Mummers Hash (with surprise guests)
Bruce-a-palooza: There is a web site www.bruce-a-palooza.com (it’s not too late to sign up)
Strap On’s “Ninja Dildo, 69 reversed and then doubled hash” Sign up and get a shirt
PA inter-Hash in Morgantown I’m not going so I don’t know any details (aren’t I a great scribe)
Over Heard at the Hash
Holy Fuck “Why is Ray always so nasty?”
2Clump “You would be too if every day someone asked if it was your birthday”
On, on,
Two Clump Chump
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