BFM #239 - Avast Ya Scarvy S-cum!
Posted on September 29, 2008
Your about to embark on the journey of journeys all to mark International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Spirits were high as the crew bounded in to Drinkers (where I was named oh so long ago). A few of the faithful were sipping beers and watching the Phillies intently while others put finishing touches on their pirate adornments. I belonged to later group. I had a sword and eye patch but needed something for my head. Just then European On Me whirled me around and started putting black eye makeup on me. With eyes sufficiently blacken I ran into Jingle Ballzz and he mentioned that he had an extra bandana that she could give me and all set. Argh! Ready for the trail!
More swarthy souls pilled in and just then 2 Clump came by for a chat. After exchanging pleasantries and a hello to the little group I was standing in somehow in an instant as he was talking to Where’s My Vigina the prirates hook that Vigina had been holding crashed to the floor with a sharp snap and into pieces. "Gar!" someone say. "..already pillaging I see!". I know what you are thinking. 2 Clump shows up and things are broken and women are upset. He is an unassuming character right? I have seen the man pillage first hand and he can pillage the hell out of stuff. Just watch your loot or he’ll make you - Walk the plank!
As I gathered HASH names, the duty of all on secs, there started to be a sizable crowd gathering. I noticed many great costumes, including Mayor Quimby in a full Captain Morgan outfit - You want a little captain in ya? Ladies I heard in the Mayor’s case it is not that little. The other outfit that caught my eye was worn by this little man with a broad bumpy chest. As my eyes rose a smile came to my face. It was none other than the lily livered swash buckler - Little Red Riding Wood! In full pirate regalia. Puffy sleeves, knickers and boots. Ahoy Matey! There be treasure in them thar hills.
Who were the Li’ly libbered land lubbers who came?
Fruit of the Clue, Three Balls, Up Her Ali, Softcore Anal-ist, Scamming Old Ladies, Sex Tonight….Denied!, Son of Goat Fucker, European on Me, Flounder, Cause for Blindness, Fiber Opdick, Jingle Ballzzz, Two Clump Chump, Rear Engineer, Holy Fuck, Mediocre and Stupid, Big Tackle, Billy G Goat, Cherry Poppins, Just KT, Just Greg, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Anal Probonor, Just Kim, One Night Only, Little Red Riding Wood, Popeye’s Bitch, Sloppy Ho, Fire Down Under, Where’s My Vagina?, Wonderblow, Hold the Sausage, Mayor Quimby, Short Distance Rimmer, Cleavage to Beaver, The S&M Man, The Rash, Nappy Headed Ho, Big Tackle
The trail - "X" marks the spot
Whenever leaving Drinkers or any place we HASH from that has outside seating we are bound to cause some attention to ourselves. This night just like other costume runs caused extra attention. Swords fanning, feathered hats, eye patches, puffy sleeves, puffy pants, hooting Argh! and Yo ho, yo ho, cut through the early evening air as unsuspecting diners tried to enjoy their supper. The crew was off to embark on their journey. Midnight Tranny shreeled with sword drawn a jovial Argh! on his way through the streets.
We angled to Front Street and I quickly noticed the normal ON-ON calls for this night had morphed into RRn-RRn in honor of the Talk Like A Pirate celebration. The group separated a bit as we headed back toward Broad. After a long straight away Cherry Poppins suggested that we may be heading back to the other Drinkers - good thought Cherry. We hit some Xes and trail then ran into a BN and back to an old favorite - McGillin’s Olde Ale House. As we turned the corner Fire Down Under yelled ahead to me and referring to me as my nerd name (I should have made her drink for that - ha-ha) as I turned around she was holding her eye exclaiming my contact is falling out. Like any good pirate I know a good deal about contact lenses. I ran to her but she noticed at that moment that it had folded a bit on her eye but it was easy enough to grab and pop back in - crisis averted. A good part of the crew shared a pint or two while I heard a small group of other hashers decided to head ON-IN or continue on trail.
Once done at McGillin’s we headed back over Broad and turned North through Chinatown and further east cutting through the little park at Race and 7th. Just before we crossed to the park Tranny happily Argh!-ing everything in sight waved his sword at security camera and bellowed a hardy Garrrrr! Rrrrrr! I later realized that the security cameras were those of the city jail. That could have put a damper on the pillaging and plundering if we had to have bailed out Tranny for disorderly pirating. However all’s well - Where’s the loot?!
The second stop was at Short Distance Rimmer old stomping grounds. We swilled our Rum and Jingle Balzz and I were treated to a very animated story by Cleavage to Beaver were she and S&M had to fight off a would be attacker. Pretty good story. You should ask her to tell you when you see her next time. With the RUM drank and half of us drunk the swarthy crew stumbled ON-IN.
Hare - Short Distance Rimmer, Hold the Sausage
Virgins - NONE
Cums Lately - European on Me, Scamming Old Ladies, Billy G Goat
Auto Hashers - Mayor Quimby, The Rash, Nappy Headed Ho, Big Tackle
Accusations -
SoftCore Anal-ist, Cleavage to Beaver - HASH Crash
Little Red Riding Wood - having a bigger boobs than normal
Mayor Quimby - for looking like Santa Claus pirate
Midnight Tranny to Georgia - The most rrrrr’s
Rear Engineer - Not talking like pirate
Best pirate costume - Little Red Riding Wood
Announcements - Cherry Poppins Birthday look for the e-mail
Over Heard at the HASH:
Watch my hook while I pee. - I got a chip on my shoulder a monkey on my back and a shot in my mouth. - I think your sword is happy to see me. - Beer makes me deaf. What?
Your boy,
SoftCore Anal-ist
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BFM #238 - T.A. Flannerys
Posted on September 16, 2008
Well I tried hard to avoid it but I am back on the trash baby! Now that the other man-secs hands have been reduced to claws from cramping do to excesive writing I am here to save the day!
T.A. Flannerys hosted our happy little crew. A warm evening and a livley group were poised to hit the streets. Many new faces to my delight. I like this place. It has a big bar and a decent sized back room for cirlcing.
Jingle and Tranny grabbed the flour and headed out the door. After a few minutes I reallized that I was the only one in the room from Mis Management as many eager wankers started asking me questions about who was going to RA and who was HARING and those general HASHy questions. I again surveied the room looking for possilbe recruits for the general organiztional tasks and eyed a few candidates.
It was getting close to 8:00pm and neither of the HARES had made an appearance. I had just struck a deal with Sloppy Ho to fill the role for the evening but lucky for me cute Little Red Riding came bounding into the room ready to assume the her RAing duty. Yes I said duty…
Who were the cummers?:
Cleavage to Beaver, The S&M Man, Skinfiddle, Just Katie, Just Marissa, Cherry Poppins, Rash, Little Red Riding Wood, Well Hung Jury, Sloppy Ho, Popeye’s Bitch, Mediocre and Stupid, Softcore Anal-ist, Holy Fuck, Scooby, Every Man I Blow, Target, Cherry Poppins, Pink and Puffy, Midnight Tranny, Nappy Headed Ho, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Son of Goat Fucker, Jingle Ballzzz, Pink n’ Puffy and Rides a Huffy, Just Kate, Just Matt, RAIDR, Fiber Opdick, Big Tackle, Swollen Cockpit, Just KT, Sex Tonight….Denied!, Korean Booty Snatcher, Timber Balls, Just Stacy, Mother May I, Jane Goodball, One Night Only, E=My Coc Squared, Strap On, Piss Cycle, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Short Distance Rimmer, Virgin Pimp
The Trail:
ON out! We got somewhat of a slow start because those wily hares made a false nearly the first thing. Back on trail we headed up to City Hall and Love park. We went sub-tranian at the subway stop next to city hall heading in the direction of South Philly. We popped up about Spruce and continued to South. Then caught a BN heading back north that pointed us to Dirty Frank’s. We poked our heads in to see the HARES happily tipping there beer waiting the crew to catch up. Unfortunatly Franks requires ID and was not willing to accomidate the motley crew. Then the Locust St Bar was suggested and we headed that way. I sat with Popeye and caught up a bit. He is getting a great deal on a new monitor from Buy.com. 36 inch monitor for $500. Nice deal BROTHER! - Hulk Hogan voice. The stop was coming at a good time for everyone I think. We appeared to easy kill about 4 pitchers without batting an eye. Even thoguh the HARES did not meets as they were happily finishing up at Dirty Frank Little Red called ON out and then ON-IN!
Circle it up BITCHES!
Hares: Jingle Ballzzz, Midnight Tranny to Georgia
Virgins:
Just Stacy - Sloppy Ho made her cum
Just Someone - The S&M Man
First in/ Last in:The S&M Man, Virgin Pimp, Son of Goat Fucker
Visitors:
Sex Tonight….Denied!, Korean Booty Snatcher, Timber Balls
Cums Lately:
Bumble Beaver
Auto Hashers: Short Distance Rimmer, Hold The Sausage, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Skin Fiddle
Accusations:
Just Stacy - New Shoes
Jingle Ballzzz, Midnight Tranny to Georgia - Hares did not finish the trail
Further Accusations:
Little Red Riding Wood - Improper song recall, messed up the word for ‘Its a Small Dick’
Sloppy Ho - Future renditions of Singing Don’t Stop Believing at Bonners
Bumble Beaver - Over achieving ass clown - made the captain of her roller derby team
Virgin Pimp - Time for your side-side - Happy Barfday F*ck You - LOL!!
Announcements:
Full Moon Philly Hash - Friday September 19, 2007 - 7:30pm - Pulp Fiction theme
http://fullmoon.phillyhash.com/
Ben Franklin Mob - Thursday September 18, 2008 - International Talk like a pirate HASH
ON - ON!
Softcore Anal-ist
BFM 237: Johnny Bears
Posted on September 8, 2008
A sparser crowd than usual gathered at Johnny Bears. Maybe it was the last gasp of summer and those hashers who have real friends outside the hash (both of them) were out enjoying the beautiful weather. Or it could have been the general fear of non-hipster* bar south of Washington. Or maybe they just didn’t feel like it.
In any case, Fruit of the Clue drew the short straw, and coerced Holy Fuck into helping him with promises to rock her world. As could have been expected, Fruit left us hot, bothered and completely lost around chickie and pete’s. Someone took this as a reason to dare Pink and Puffy to do some sort of triple jump across a front lawn hedge. The dismount wasn’t pretty, and he almost crashed face first a hedge 3 houses over. Apparently the hash needs to be reminded again to stop harassing emerging nations or this guy will have to intervene again.
For some reason I have notes about a hairless squirrel. Knowing the hash, this has got to be something dirty, but google* says that the most likely thing that I’m thinking of is a squirrel with mange. Which is dirty too, but not in a good way
Eventually we found trail, and the crowd ended up at the Blue Oyster Bar We were surrounded by cheap beer, an intimate setting, and friendly locals. I was totally ready for the bimbo’s theme to start up and spontaneous man on man salsa dancing to erupt. Sadly and predictably I was disappointed. After finishing our beers, Wood led us back all 3 blocks to the on-in.
* I don’t know about you, but google has been letting me down lately. First they couldn’t define the hairless squirrel, and then in my search for a picture of a hipster, I came across several pictures of women lying around in their underwear. I’m typing this up on my work internet connection, and now I have to figure out how I’m going to explain that I wasn’t really looking for pictures of nekkid women, but what I actually wanted was poorly drawn stereotypes. In related news, does anybody know anybody who is hiring?
Who Came:
Just Dayna, Just Anita, Mayor Quimby, Just Justin, Jingle Ballzzz, Just DJ, Just Katie, Dr Squeelgood, Just Kim, Virgin Pimp, Swollen Cockpit, One Night Only, Wonderblow, Sly Fox, Sloppy Ho, Target, Little Red, S&M Man, Cleavage to Beaver, Up her Ali, Fruit of the Clue, Holy Fuck, Can You Hear Me Now?, Pink and Puffy, Skinfiddle, Midnight Tranny, Nappy Headed Ho, Heave Ho
Circle:
Hare’s: Fruit, Holy Fuck
Virgins: Just DJ
Visitors: none? Apparently word got out.
Long time no seers: Just Justin and some other people
First in/Last In: Mother Bates and Sloppy Ho – and all the other ho’s
Autohash – Midnight Tranny to GA, Skinfiddle, Mayor Quimby and Cousin It
Violations – 2 Clump violated Can You for trolling for dates and putting his number out on the BFM email list like 15 times
Fruit was violated for being ashamed of his true nature, and covering up his shorts on the ride over so he wouldn’t be harassed
The pack then dispersed, and inhaled the awesome food kindly provided by Johnny. Holy Fuck was seen inhaling a brownie with a big smile on her face. Word on the street was that these were “special” brownies
Announcements:
Sept 11th - BFM # 238 – TBD
Sept 19th Philly Full Moon Pulp Fiction Theme – I’m going as The Gimp
Sept 12-14th PA Interhash – Morgantown PA
Sept 13th Philly Roller Girls - Roller Girls are flying in all the way from Seattle to get beat by Bumble Beaver
The Sportsplex
1331 O’Reilly Drive
Feasterville, PA 19053
5pm door 6pm Bout
as always beer and food are available for purchase/donation.
Sept 19th Philly Full Moon - Pulp Fiction Theme – I’m dressing up as The Gimp
Sept 20th Philly Hash – snared by Subhuman and Snakeneck, it will be “Conshohocken-ish”
Sept 27th Philly Hash – hare needed
Oct 11: DC Red Dress run
We have a NEW Venue
We have a NEW Management Team
We have a ONE OF A KIND Giveaway
We have CHEAPER PRICES THAN EVER BEFORE
http://www.whitehousehash.com/rdr/
QOTN:
There’s no way those balls will fit in my mouth – Mother Bates
Jingle Ballzzz
BFM # 236 – East Falls Trash
Posted on September 3, 2008
Some of the newbies might be thinking that I’m the only one who writes trash. Don’t worry I’m starting to think the same thing…
Who Came:
If you were there you know, if weren’t you don’t. To keep in compliance with the right to know act, you may view the attendance archives by submitting a request form to me.
The Trail:
I had a ¼ barrel of lager weighing down my beer meister, so I offered to hare with the intention of having a beer check at my house. The only problem was making a short, yet exciting trail from the Pour House, to my house and back. Then I had an epiphany, every trail I lay is great*, and I don’t care if you think it’s too long. I feel confidant in claiming that the trail was the best East Falls to Roxboro and back trail ever, this month.
The trail led up the hill to the train station where you were forced to cross the tracks. Some people went down and around, some jumped the small warning fence designed to keep half wits like us from killing themselves, but apparently no one thought to go down ten yards where the fence ends to get around. Back on trail we hit a check and headed across beautiful Philadelphia University (formerly Philadelphia Textile). Across the campus and up Schoolhouse Lane to another check at a baseball field. This was meant to serve as a shortcut through the corner to Henry Ave, but it apparently stumped the pack, something about marks on grass in an unlit field. West on Henry with a small circle jerk and it was beer near. The way back was a bit shorter and less exciting, but it was downhill and that was much appreciated by the pack.
* Trails are only guaranteed great when they can be seen
Circle
Heave Ho noticed that the circle beer was being set up on top of a covered shuffle board table and thought the bar might complain. Just as we were finishing setting up, a bouncer came over and demanded we move the beer, I wonder how they found out?
Hares: Two Clump Chump
Virgins: Just Aneta by Just Dayna, Just Shannon by Mayor Quimby, Just Maria by, you guessed it Cherry Poppins
First in/ Last in: 3 Balls/ Cherry Poppins, Just Michelle
Visitors: Dapper Sapper from Hog Town
Cums Lately: Swollen Cockpit, Heave Ho
Auto Hashers: Skin Fiddle, Just Blythe, Up Her Ali, Rear Engineer, Pisscycle
Accusations
Swollen Cockpit Tech in circle
Mayor Quimby for not warning his virgin about wearing new shoes
Cleavage to Beaver, (and someone) for wearing the same shirt
"Edited for content"
Announcements
Philly 1600: go online sign up, get a shirt, don’t be the only one not there
Also before the 1600 I am hosting kegs and eggs in honor of the Red Bull Soap Box races in Manayunk, contact me to get on the VIP list (that just means I will have an extra cup and egg for you)
Over Heard at the Hash
Holy Fuck “I didn’t think it was possible to run to your house from here”
Two Clump “With me anything is possible”
On, on,
Two Clump Chump
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