BFM # 244, Phillies World Series Hash
Posted on October 27, 2008
BFM # 244 PHILLIES WORLD SERIES HASH
“It seemed like a good idea at the time.” - Homer Simpson
I suppose, looking back at Game 2 of the World Series, a lot of Phillies fans were wondering just what the hell happened. Game 1 was awesome, the Phils beat the Rays in their own home, and it looked like it may be the Phils in 4 after all. Then the Rays stomped the Phillies like a piccolo player at a frat party. Four-ZIP, what the deuce? All over Philadelphia people wondered just what we did to jinx it. This year there was no Phillies jersey or hat on Billy Penn’s statue, there shouldn’t have been anything to jinx it, right?
Enter the Ben Franklin Mob.
Our illustrious GM and Phillies fan decided that we should have a Phillies World Series hash, and we all readily agreed, I mean it sounded cool. And besides they love us at Cherry Street, so what the hell, lets go for it.
I was happy to be back, I had been gone for two months down in NC with no one but the Carolina Trash to keep me sane, and they sure made me look sane in comparison! Anytime you mention the Trash, as they call themselves, near Rash, she immediately curls up in a fetal position and starts mumbling about a traumatic event at the 06 Red Dress Run at Rear End Loader’s house. Oh and for those who were there this year, did anyone notice that it doesn’t look like he improved his place at all? I saw the pics, I know.
Now to be fair, the Trash usually has a high turnover, what with all the military guys going through Ft Bragg. The guys who Rash shudders about have long since departed, and our own Fiber Opdick came from there so they can’t be that bad, can they? OK, bad example. My report on them is that they really don’t run their trails that much, probably due to the shiggy there being horrendous. For example, go to my Hashspace page. Their circle requires you to drop trow and plant your naked ass on a bag of ice. And they kept making me sit on it as a visitor because I refused to stop saying I was from the mob. They made me an offer to switch allegiances, but, like John McCain, I refused to do so. Now, for some strange reason, if I hear ice cubes, I start to get a chubby.
Oh and there’s LOTS of skin there. When they do Tit checks, they actually DO them. Unfortunately they also do dick checks too. I had been trying to convince a fellow student at my school that we weren’t gay and what to we see on trail but a bunch of guys shaking their moneymakers. Great.
So I was actually looking forward to coming back to the BFM, even though I knew I would have to write the damn trash, and that I would be violated for Cums Lately and for bragging about being a raceist.
I arrived early to find Cause For Flounder waiting already and drinking the Champagne of Beers. What’s the matter guys, was Shafer too expensive for yas? The hot bartender asked if I was with the running club, and I knew I was in the right place.
WHO JINXED THE PHILLIES:
Cause For Blindness, Flounder, Raidr, Rear Engineer, He’s A Lesbian, Just Katy, Holy Fuck, Just Miko, Scammin’ Old Ladies, Virgin Pimp, Hold The Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, Mediocre & Stupid, Fruit Of The Clue, Just Anita, Up Her Ali, Just Whitney, Where’s My Vagina, 2 Clump Chump, Bunyip, Europeen On Me, Fire Down Under, Soft Core Analyst, Dr Squealgood, Working Girl, Post Anal Drip, Little Red Riding Wood, Just K-T, Insectuous, Lick Hyman, Skin Fiddle, Popeye’s Bitch, Can You Hear Me Now, Heave Ho, Cleavage To Beaver, Pisscycle, Midnight Tranny To Georgia, Just Jill, Cherry Poppins, E=My Cock Squared, Strap On, and Scooby Snatch.
Straws were handed out, and Scammin Old Ladies got the honor of hare. Since he had a Life Alert around his neck we all had visions of him falling and not being able t get up, or It up, so Soft Core Analyst joined him and off they went.
THE TRAIL
In the history of BFM trails, this might just have been the shortest. We ran South on 22nd, hung a right on Market, almost found a false at the X rated joint there, and South again on 23rd straight to Bonners where we had a beer stop. Pitchers were handed out and we all swilled a few in the EMPTY bar (No karaoke that night) before we ran down Samson, North on 22nd, East on Market, North on 21st and West On In to the bar.
CIRCLE
Little Red stood up on the table and held an abbreviated circle that can best be described as almost as fast as I am in the sack. Almost. I shall try to replicate it here: (NOTE, you editing-happy cock-vacumes, the following is INTENTIONAL)
HARES: ScamminOldLadiesandSoftCoreAnalyst
VIRGINS: JustMiko,HolyFuckmadehercome
TRANSPLANT: InsectuousformerlyoftheLVH3whotoldajoke. “What did one cannibal say to the other cannibal after eating a clown? “Does this taste funny to you?”OK,sitdown!WelcomeYFF.
AUTOHASHERS: “Youknowwhoyouarewedonthavethefuckingtime.drinkup! (Actually it was E=MC2, Lick Hymen, Skin Fiddle, Fire Down Under, Strap On, Up Her Ali, Cherry Poppins, Raidr, Cause For Flounder, and scores of others.)
VIOLATIONS: NoTime!
MOST DEDICATED PHILLIES FAN: Little Red Riding Wood.
And with that, the circle closed, and the Phillies lost. What was it that caused it? The abbreviated trail? The speed circle? The Virgin from California? The stupid joke? Me actually showing up? Like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop, the world may never know.
Overheard at the Hash:
“Help!, I’m haring and I can’t get laid!” 2 Clump, commenting on Scammin’s neckwear.
“Jesus, that virgin that Holy Fuck brought has a rock bigger than my dick.” Unk Male Hasher
“That always gets me ever time” 2 Clump responding to above.
“It’s really nice to get asked out 3 months in advance. So when he gets out of prison, we’re going to dinner.” Unk female hasher
“How did you meet?” Mediocre & Stupid
“He was on work release in prison” unk female hasher (soon to be on the cover of the Daily News)
“What’s going on here? Face Pubes!!!” Cleavage to Beaver grabbing He’s A Lesbian’s goatee.
“Where’s S&M Man? Too much masturbating?” Short Distance Rimmer
“Dude, you’ve got to go to HotChicksWithDouchebags.com!” Scammin Old Ladies
“How’d you find THAT website?” Insectuous
“You just have to look for it.” Scammin
“WOOHOO!!! Why again are we cheering?” Pisscycle
On On, YFF
He’s A Lesbian
BFM # 243 – Sloppy Clumps
Posted on October 23, 2008
So if an over achieving ass clown over achieves in the woods and no one accuses him, did he really over achieve? I’ll let you ponder that one as you read about last week’s debauchery.
Who Came:
Anal ProBoner, Cause for Blindness, Cherry Poppins, Dr. Squeal Good, Flounder, Heave Ho, Just Blythe, Just Kaytie, Likes the Hard One, Major Piece of Ass, Mayor Quimby, Mediocre and Stupid, Mother Bates, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Nappy Headed Ho, One Night Only, Raidr, Rear Engineer, Scamming Ol’ Ladies, Sloppy Ass Kisser, The Rash, Three Balls, Two Clump Chump, Up Her Ali, Virgin Pimp
The straws were distributed by our illustrious GM who creatively started with the fastest people first and worked her way down to Sloppy Ass Kisser. SAC exclaimed that she would not hare in west Philly by herself, so I volunteered to co, can you blame me. Normally in a co-hare situation both hashers bring something to the table. I was bringing my expert trail laying ability (feel free to insert throat clearing noise here) and Sloppy was bringing her extensive knowledge of University City, or so I thought. I turns out that just because you went to college in UC doesn’t mean that you know your way around. Any way I digress, for I wasn’t there for chalk talk, so I had to fill this space with something.
The Trail:
The trail started off heading west on Baltimore pike, and checked north through a park, at which point we realized when you are at 42nd you should always head east never west, the first of many U turns (apparently some people were throwing the term “circle jerk” around, we don’t like that phrase it sounds too “mavericky” ). We continued in a serpentine pattern north and east till we found Penn’s Campus. After cutting through the quad and over the locust walk bridge the trail cut through some backyards and ended up on 38th street. No I’m told the pack was confused at this part because instead of following the obviously laid marks to the right, the pack decided to go left. This brought them back to Walnut, where they just were. It’s not my fault they don’t know how to follow trail. Some complained like normal and then on-ined, others stuck it out and looked to feet in the other direction to find trail again.
Circle
The pack wandered into well after the hares, this is either the sign of a really good trail, or a really bad one, you decide.
Hares: Sloppy Ass Kisser, Two Clump Chump
First in/ Last in: Just Kaytie, Mediocre and Stupid, Scamming Ol’ Ladies/ Cleavage to Beaver, Flounder, One Night Only
Virgins: Just Susan
Visitors: Don’t Move Bitch from OTH4 (DC)
Cums Lately: Mr. Snuff, Sloppy Ass Kisser and a few others I missed
Auto Hashers: Mr. Snuffeluphermuff, Just Blythe, Mayor Quimby, Virgin Pimp
Accusations
Rear Engineer for using Anal ProBoner as a song book
Sloppy Ass Kisser for pointing in the circle and under when one hare, Two Clump Chump
Mr. Snuffeluphermuff for trying to accuse Mother Bates and having it reversed
The Visitors for making out in the circle
Mr. Snuff for leaving shit in Mayor Quimby’s room
Announcements
The habidasher is at it again, custom polar fleece vests, see The Rash for details
Philly H3: Cause is haring (I wonder if she was last in?)
Rutgers Home cuming, see the Mayor for info
Just Kaytie is having a B-day bash, too late you missed it
We had two side sides: Cause for Blindness - 29, Just Whitney – 21, and Rear Engineer - 37
After circle closed we noticed two long thin tables, that can only mean one thing at the BFM, flip cup. After about five rounds of that, the pack started to dwindle down. The few remaining drunkards headed out to Bonners, I mean it’s on the way.
Over Heard at the Hash
Sloppy Ass Kisser “Oh, my hand went in the wrong slot”
Just Kaytie “I never get violated”
On, on,
Two Clump Chump
BFM # 241 – Take a toss in the sheets
Posted on October 8, 2008
A bathroom full of porn, a basement full of beer, and free parking, who could ask for a better bar?
Who Came:
If Big Tackle, Cause for Blindness, Cherry Poppins, Clevage to Beaver, E=MC2, Flounder, Frute of the Clue, Holy Fuck, Little Red Riding Wood, Mayor Quimby, Mother Bates, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Rear Engineer, Son of Goat Fucker, Strap On, Three Balls, Two Clump Chump, Virgin Pimp, Just Dayna, Just Regina, Just Steve
Our illustrious RA distributed straws to all of the toga clad hashers, but it was the pillow case wearing Cherry Poppins who pulled the lucky one. She claimed she had never hared in Philly before and demanded a co. E=MC2 volunteered, and the two took off.
The Trail:
The trail was a typical E trail which means long and confusing. We wandered through various parts of the city, until we ran into the hares in Queen Village. What’s this you say, E was caught. Not quite, the two hares stopped for a beer check, but ran into a snag. After the pack showed up and lent some cash we commenced the drinking. The pack drank and conversed as Just Dayna told us of her “drainage problem”. After much rejoicing and a few disgruntled neighbors, we on in’d.
Circle
The pack wandered into the bar to the elation of the patrons, a bunch of grown men and women wearing bed sheets.
Hares: E=MC2, Cherry Poppins
Virgins: None
First in/ Last in: Mr. Snuffeluphermuff/ Cleavage to Beaver
Visitors: Just Regina
Cums Lately: Swollen Cockpit, Just Steve, Mother Bates
Auto Hashers: Cause for Blindness, Flounder, Fruit of the Clue
Accusations
E=MC2 for haring without a toga, and Cherry Poppins under when one hare, and Son of a Goat F*cker under when one non-toga wearer
The Hares for making Three Balls pay $20 for the beer check
Ridding Wood for going from wearing the best costume to the worst, and Rear Engineer under when one RA drinks, and Fruit of the Clue under when one green toga drinks
Mother Bates attempted to accuse everyone who was not wearing shiggy on their head, but he was counter accused of having too much shiggy
Cherry Poppins had already drank too much, but she was unofficially accused of fitting two pillows into one pillow case
Announcements
Philly H3: Saturday in AC, Tee shirts are still available from the 1600, the AGM is Dec 1
Cherry Poppins birthday party was on Saturday, it was very hipster
West Chester Chilly Cook off I hear it was “hot”
We had two side sides: Cherry Poppins, and Cleavage to Beaver
Next came the fun part, it was announced that we had a naming, and Just Dayna was called into the circle. The questioning began, but the answers were not as forthcoming. After a few minutes of lame questions and lamer answers, one of the hash’s naming experts offered up Post Anal Drip; a colorful merging of her “drainage problem”, and her favorite sexual position. The pack voted unanimously and she was named.
The pack died down as a few hashers left and a few hashers showed up, but as always to get the full story you had to be there.
Over Heard at the Hash
Cleavage to Beaver “I still like it even though it hurts”
On, on,
Two Clump Chump
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BFM 240: Lyon’s Den
Posted on October 2, 2008
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The lyon’s den is only a 2 block walk from my apartment, so I got there early. Just Justin and I had a conversation about western civilization in general and Philadelphia in specific, which led us to the conclusion that a gun permit is a probably pretty good idea. In less violent news, Dr Squealgood and I admired the 6’ long mirrored yuengling sign hung on the ceiling above the bar, just begging to be used in a dirty way. Obviously not by us, but I spied more than one hasher who was on the verge.
I’m going to let you in on a secret. Your crack onsec organization has a scientifically proven method for determining who has the honor of writing trash each week. Despite all of our planning though, whenever its my turn to write trash, it seems like nobody shows up. I have a plan though, Work is threatening to send me to a foreign country so that I can work 2 weeks of straight 13hr. For extra fun, they change the day I leave every other day so that I am left guessing my plans for the month. As of now, I have a flight leaving in 6 hours, so you get turbo trash today
The hash began to gather until about 7:50 or so when Ali distributed straws. Lazy, experienced hashers tend to show up at exactly 7:59 when it is a live trail to get out of haring. It takes the newer hashers a little while to catch on, and as a result, Just Kim drew the short straw. Rear volunteered to “show her a good time”. No one was surprised to see the look of disappointment on her face when trail was complete. Trail wound around south philly and up the Italian market where we passed a table piled high with VHS porn. Of course, several of the hashers partook
Who Came:
Just Dayna, Just Aneta, Just Justin, Jingle Ballzzz, Just Katie, Dr Squeelgood, One Night Only, Up her Ali, Midnight Tranny, Just Kt, Just Katie, SoftCore, Where’s my Vagina?, Scooby, 2 Clump, Rear Engineer, Comes Anally, Makes him Come Anally, Europeen on me, Assorted Virgins, Cherry Poppins,
Circle:
Hare’s: Just Kim, Rear
Virgins: A whole bunch written on my notes at home from multiple KT’s
Visitors: Dodger DooDoo from hotlanta. .
Long time no seers: Just Justin and some other people
First in/Last In: somebody
Autohash – somebody else
Violations – probably happened.
Announcements:
Oct 2nd - BFM # 241 – 730pm Toga! Toga! Toga! Tentatively at Sugar Moms
Oct 4th Philly Hash – 3PM hared by Sex Pack and Bunyip in Atlantic City at New York and the boardwalk
Chug and Run Oct 4 – 8PM - philly runners semiannual team beer mile at locust circle (the wrong side of the tracks near 25th and locust)
Rescheduled 1hr earlier to get more drinking in
http://pub30. bravenet. com/forum/ 2500995625/ show/1181647,
Oct 9th - BFM # 242 – 730pm Beer Snob’s Pub Crawl Tentatively south philly-ish
Oct 10: BJH3 run #6 – rumson pre-lude Allaire State Park in the great state of Jersey
Hare: Broken Down Bimbo and Beer Boy: Late Cummer
Start time: 6:30, pack leaves at 6:45
Bring a flashlight, there will be spelunking of all kinds
Ask tight lips for more info
Oct 11: DC Red Dress run
We have a NEW Venue
We have a NEW Management Team
We have a ONE OF A KIND Giveaway
We have CHEAPER PRICES THAN EVER BEFORE
http://www.whitehousehash.com/rdr/
Oct 19th Philly Full Moon BASH – bike hash somewhere in the city celebrating the return of the awesomest man and cyclist ever. Quoth the hares, “suck it E!”
Jingle Ballzzz
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