BFM 248: It was so cold that….
Posted on November 26, 2008
We had to chop up the piano for firewood, but we only got two chords
Your long suffering on-sec shivered over to the institute and actually arrived there early. It took a few minutes to defrost and start talking with Just Whitney waiting at the bar with a couple of shifty foreigners. Eventually the rest of the hashers arrived, and Rear Engineer reluctantly rounded us up outside for chalk talk, and we set out very quickly and in big groups in search of trail. Even Just Brutus was wearing a jacket on top of a fur coat.
Trail went past several abandoned buildings, burnt out cars and miscellaneous trash. For some reason I had flashbacks of probably one of the best movies ever made, but that’s neither here nor there. Trail continued onward through Chinatown and the greyhound bus station where we got completely lost for about 10 minutes before figuring out that somehow we had to get to Broad Street. Beer Near was spotted at Spring garden. I’d never been inside before, but apparently He’s a Lesbian, still has connections at the FOP. While we were there, somebody thought it was very important to tell me that they once were molested by a british paratrooper. Seriously people, learn your stereotypes. Britannia was built on buggery, Russians love the vodka, and Brazilians are easy. . Its not that complicated kids.
Cheap good beer was had by all, and a surprising amount of shuffleboard was played. I saw Piss Cycle charm an older gentleman out of a whole stack of cookies. I’m not going to speculate about what promises were made, but it looked like both parties left that transaction happy. The rest of us shuffled back to the warm bar, to enjoy beer and circle
Who Came:
Twin Peaks, Yorky Porky, Sextra Credit, Goes Down Often, Hold the Rimmer, Just Greg, Big Tackle, 3 Balls, He’s a Lesbian, Just Whitney, Every Man I Blow, 2 Clump Chump, Dirty Sanchez, Dr Squeelgood, The Rash, Popeye’s Bitch, Big Tackle, Cherry Poppins, Little Red Riding Wood, Can you hear me now?, Wonderblow, Cleavage to Beaver, Just Dave, Just John, Nappy Headed Ho, Virgin Pimp, Cunting Season, Fruit of the Clue, Post Anal Drip, Just Brutus, Piss Cycle, Just Blyth, Just Jen. Just Sean
Circle:
Hare’s: 2 Clump, Lick Hymen (not enough body cavity searches at FOP)
Virgins: Just Jen - Blythe
Just Sean – Dr Squeelgood
Visitors: Twin Peaks and Yorky Porky.
Long time no seers: Just Whitney/Blythe
First in/Last In: LRRW and Pisscycle
Autohash – Just Blythe, He’s a Lesbian, Skinfiddle, Nappy Headed Ho, Virgin Pimp, Dr Squeelgood, Rash, Popeye’s Bitch, Big Tackle, Cherry Poppins,
Violations – Popeye for getting a new job in SF
Twin Peaks and Yorky Porky for bringing the awful London weather with them
Nappy for texting his mom in circle
Goes Down Often – hash crash
Somebody – overzealous shuffleboard behaviour
Just Blythe – hat in circle
Just Greg- keeping his obvious racism under wraps
Big Tackle – for needing a hose job before he was willing to leave the bar
Naming: We had a naming this circle. Just Blythe was brought out to the circle. Apparently she went to school a lot, and is from Eagleville. Her favorite farm animal is a cow, and her favorite position is similarly uninspired. She does love the cucumber though, and aside from turning the odd ex-boyfriend gay, is totally normal. The hash went around and around the naming suggestions, and was strangely quiet and well behaved at the naming. Somebody has been slipping roofies in the beer again apparently. After much deliberation, we settled on Brokeback Pipe, and all was well in the world.
Announcements:
Everyday - Mustache Club Competition. Its on bitches! Are you a Frida Kahlo? Or a General Burnside?
Nov 26th BFM bar crawl at Mcgillans. Karaoke at 9pm. Earplugs optional but strongly recommended
Nov 27th BFM #249 – 11am Mace’s Crossing. Rear End Loader and Cunting Season will be setting trail
Dec 4th BFM # 250 – 730PM More fun than you can shake your stick at
Dec 6th PH3 hosted by RaidR in Havertown
Dec 11th Festivus – 730PM The bar crawl for the rest of us.
Dec 13th PH3 – hosted by Over Easy and the women’s rugby team
Dec 13th Running of the Santas – like hashing, but with a 2 block run, and a lot more half-minds.
Dec 18th Christmas Lights – 730PM Watch gaudy light shows in south philly; It’s how Jesus would have wanted it.
Dec 19th BJH3 run #8 Hared by Spooner somewhere in the wilds across the Delaware river
Dec 25th - Christmas and maybe a Pick up Hash
Jan 1st - The Mummers Day Joint Hash with Philly and Hockessin
Haberdashery – E has PH3 hats for 12$. He’s willing to do “anything” to sell them; Make him an offer he can’t refuse.
I’ve been spending more time than I would like with the TNT hash, and in the interest of intercultural exchange, I’d like to introduce some important concepts I learned from their on-sec
Beeriod (n) – weekly malady suffered by men after a night “on the pop”
Symptoms Include: Headache, Moodiness and a bloated stomach,
“Leave me alone woman, my beeriod started this morning”
Beer Monkey (n) – a mythical simian creature which during a drunken slumber, sneaks into your bed, ruffles your hair, steals your money, and craps in your mouth
Beer Mugger (n) – the man you discover has hit you over the head and taken 35 out of your wallet the morning after you “nip out for a couple pints”
Jingle Ballzzz
Filed Under Trash | 2 Comments
BFM#247 WELL, THEY TRIED……
Posted on November 18, 2008
Once again, the Ben Franklin Mob found itself back in Manayunk, this time back in 105 Social. I think this place could be the ideal hash bar. From the 20 cent wings to the bacon cheese fries smothered in ranch dressing that cuts ten years off your life, to the FOUR DOLLAR PICTHERS OF GUINNESS!! This bar has been the scene of some infamous moments in our little group’s history. Who can forget seeing the look on Up Her Ali’s face as we turned one of her commands into an impromptu naming? Sorry, Craigalicious, wherever you are.
I figured it would be a bad turnout this night. First of all you have the center city crowd which has to have all the planets properly aligned for them to venture so far from the tall buildings, and add in the absolutely shitty weather that evening, I wasn’t expecting much of a turnout. Hell, I wasn’t going to run that night, so why should I expect anyone else?
The bar was empty, save for Little Red Riding Wood, nursing a Guinness, and a few Just people who were all apparently invited by Two Clump. It seems they actually like him. I guess, unlike us, they respect running prowess, especially from a man who wears his shorts extra small, if you know what I mean. Two Clump showed up and gave me his “Two Clump Attendance Cheat Sheet” to document the evening. There were more “Just” people than hashers.
WHO SHOWED UP:
Cherry Poppins, Fiber Opdick, Goes Down Often, He’s A Lesbian, Little Red Riding Wood, Piss Cycle, Post Anal Drip, Mediocre & Stupid, Sextra Credit, Raidr, Rear Engineer, Scooby Snatch, Skin Fiddle, Two Clump Chump, Up Her Ali, Just Jillian, Just Pat, Just K, Just Patricia, Just Rick, Just Lisa, and Just Kim.
Before anyone could even think about drawing straws, both Mediocre & Stupid and Goes Down Often jumped up and VOLUNTEERED to hare. “We’ve been planning it for EVER!” M&S cheerfully told us, while a more pragmatic GDO merely shrugged and said, “Hey, we needed to bust our cherries.” I think it was that last phrase that stopped us dead in our tracks. CHERRIES? Didn’t they lose them when they joined our little group?
Before anyone could voice the suggestion that they have a more experienced hare chaperone them, they grabbed the flower and off they went… only to be stopped by one of us yelling to get back and leave marks for the chalk talk. M&S made a big effort to whisper in my ear the name of the bar they were planning on doing the beer stop at. She seemed hesitant, though. Maybe it was the ear hairs I’m starting to sport, who knows. Damn genetics. Thanks, Mom!
Where was I? Oh yeah…
THE TRAIL:
Up Her Ali, Fiber Opdick, and I decided to walk to the beer stop. Along the way, Fiber and I enthralled Ali while we talked shop. Enthralled means making one’s eyes glaze over, doesn’t it?
Anyway, our fears of having two inexperienced hares were apparently founded. How badly? The best comparison I can give is handing a two year old a box of crayons, a coloring book, and leaving them in an empty room with a bottle of Schmirnov’s. You just know the walls are going to look great later.
I’m not saying it was a BAD trail, I mean at least we could read it. They had a False right around the corner, followed by a dollop of flower a half a block later. Was it a False False? We knew we were on trail because there was a mark in between almost every sidewalk crack. Wow. On some trails we can never even find the marks. I realize now, it’s because they all went here. Periodically, we saw the pack run around a block up ahead, then back down another block again, further on. It reminded me of the chase scenes in the old Scooby Doo cartoons, really.
After passing a check, an arrow and another false over a check we found a blessed mark that looked like an FN, but it was apparently a Beer Near not entirely filled in. We had the bar in site, as well as the hares running TOWARDS us, joined by Rear Engineer. We yelled a half-hearted “ON HARE!” but were too lazy to actually try to catch them. I mean they ran right into us, with sad looks on their faces.
"Why?" You ask?
Well, let me tell you, and let this be a note for all you hashers out there. If you carry ANYTHING at all on your person, CARRY YOUR FLIPPIN DRIVER’S LICENSE! (or your passport for all you world travelers or DWI convicts out there). I mean seriously, this is like the umpteenth time a decent beer near has been ruined because the owners carded us. We all know we don’t allow minors in our hash (There isn’t a mine within a hundred miles of Philly, and besides, their lighted helmets just look dorky), but apparently no one else does. I know that shorts and sweatpants are notoriously devoid of pockets, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t stick our ID in our socks or something. Come on, people! This isn’t a covert op, we’re running here, although the State Department will deny knowledge of us (I found this out in Belgium). OK, enough said on this matter.
Back to the retard twins fucked up, err, I mean back to M&S and GDO’s first attempt at laying trail. We suggested that they just put an “ON IN” and cut their losses, but they didn’t listen and, not knowing they could have crossed the railroad tracks, ran the trail over the previously laid trail, which meant that if E and Strappy showed up late as always, they would be running in circles, and don’t even dare THINK about what would happen if Cause were on trail.
We walked back to the bar, and still managed to beat the hares in, to find Skin Fiddle waiting for us as well as the special on wings and pitchers. Did I mention it was $4 pitchers of EVERYTHING, even the high-end stuff like Guinness? We gorged ourselves on wings and fries, and eventually the rest of the pack sauntered in.
CIRCLE:
HARES: Mediocre & Stupid, Goes Down Often
VIRGINS: Just Rick, and Just Pat, 2 Clump made them cum (Someone else was a virgin, but refused to drink, not even water. Guess we won’t be seeing her again)
FIRST IN / LAST IN: Sextra Credit / Pisscycle
AUTOHASHERS: Cherry Poppins, Fiber Opdick, He’s A Lesbian, Raidr, Just Kim, Skin Fiddle, Scooby Snatch, Up Her Ali,
CUMS LATELIES: Just Brian, He’s A Lesbian
ACCUSATIONS:
He’s A Lesbian, for having GQ pics on his phone
The Hares, for mistaking another SEPTA stop for Manayunk
Two Clump Chump, for picking them up
Piss Cycle, for having a heart rate monitor.
The Hares; for volunteering to lay their fucked up trail
Two Clump for telling his virgin something that escapes my memory, and He’s A Lesbian for the “When one On-Sec drinks rule.” (See why I forgot?)
Mediocre & Stupid; for asking, “What’s an On-Sec?”
With that, we finished the pitchers, and staggered on home, another chapter in our sordid tale complete.
OVERHEARD AT THE HASH
“Where’s Bonners at?” – unk hasher
“Shut the fuck up!” -Mediocre & Stupid, responding to the above.
“Oh they use the Baht in Thailand.”- Skin Fiddle
“You know the currency in Thailand by heart? That scares me.”-unk Hasher.
Filed Under Trash | 2 Comments
BFM # 246 – Tri-f*ckta
Posted on November 13, 2008
Everyone comes to the BFM for their own reasons; the Beer, the metaphysical conversations, the virgins, and in the case of me, the trail. As you may have been able to tell from my previous trash, I have a very discriminating eye, or would it be foot?
Who Came:
Anal ProBoner, Big Tackle, Cause for Blindness, Cherry Poppins, Dr. Squeal Good, E=MC2, Flounder, Fruit of the Clue, Goes Down Often, Holy Fuck, Jingle Ballzzz, Just Amy, Just Aneta, Just Emily, Just K. T., Mayor Quimby, One Night Only, Pink n’ Puffy, Piss Cycle, Post Anal Drip, Raidr, Rear Engineer, Scamming Ol’ Ladies, Sloppy Ho, Softcore Analyst, Son of Goat Fucker, Strap On, The Rash, Two Clump Chump, Up Her Ali, Virgin Pimp, Where’s My Vagina?, Wonder Blow
The straws were distributed and from my understanding Scamming Ol’ Ladies pulled the short straw, what happened next is a bit of a mystery on par with Watergate or the Kennedy Assassination. Apparently Softcore Analyst escorted Scamming on his trail, later it was discovered that Just Aneta was also thrown in the mix.
The Trail:
Everyone gathered outside of the Field House for circle, that is everyone except an RA. Our illustrious GM was introducing the virgins as Virgin Pimp showed up, someone requested that the virgins be reintroduced for Pimp’s sake, but the request was ignored. With that, the pack was off south towards market st. As we were running Holy Fuck complained that the man-secs don’t do a good enough job of recording the trail. Being the obsequious man that I am, I like to entertain the pack‘s wishes, especially if I’m being Glamoured by a beautiful Harriet; however, this trail made it a bit difficult to keep track of. We made a turn heading east and soon discovered our hares made the all too common mistake of confusing checks with marks. The pack spent more time yelling “last mark” than “on-on”. We made our way along trail till we got caught up in a circle-jerk on a side street. Our extended stay made me realize that the road was made out of two by fours turned on end. Before I could impress the pack with my useless observation, someone found on-on. The trail progressed like this for some time till we found a beer check at the Locust Bar, a hash favorite. The pack filed in and started consuming beers while reprimanding the hares for their less than obvious trail. Now usually when there is a beer check late in the trail, the hare will on-in the most direct path, but normally we don’t have three hares arguing over which way to go. After some navigating the pack made their way back to the Field House, Just Aneta was overheard complaining that the pack was cuming from the wrong direction, ah to be new and naïve again. Just be glade the pack found their way back, take it from me.
Circle
For circle, we were afforded the upstairs, which was still not far enough away from some of the upscale sneers and snickers.
Hares: Scamming Ol’ Ladies, Softcore Analyst, Just Aneta
First in/ Last in: Piss Cycle/ Goes Down Often (she just wanted to drink for something, and Cause was auto hashing)
Virgins: Just Amy by Cherry Poppins, Just Emily by Anal ProBoner
Visitors: None
Cums Lately: Son of Goat Fucker, Pink and Puffy Rides the Huffy
Auto Hashers: Cause for Blindness, Jingle Ballzzz, Pink n’ Puffy, Raidr, Rear Engineer, The Rash, Up Her Ali, Where’s my Vagina
Accusations
Piss Cycle for tech on trail
Wonder Blow for wearing tights, and under when one person in tights Just Amy, Just K. T., Scamming, Holy Fuck, Cherry Poppins, Just Aneta
Two Clump Chump for making a necklace for Goes Down Often when she just got named (I think Sloppy Ho was jealous that I wouldn’t give her a pearl necklace) and under when one on-sec, Softcore, and under when one Hare, Just Aneta, and Scamming
Goes down often drank for making a false accusation (she’s new give it time)
Scamming for life alert on trail, and under when one hare, Softcore, and Mayor Quimby was a designated drinker for Just Aneta who had apparently had enough
Announcements
The habidasher is at it again, custom polar fleece vests, see The Rash for details
Philly Full Moon: November 14th at Bonners
James Bond Midnight showing after BFM 247 see Just K T for details
Philly Marathon Beer Check: more info to follow
With that it was announced we had another naming due. Just K.T. was called into the circle and put to her knees. Rear Engineer proceeded to tell us a vague story of how he was duped (with a little help from myself and G D O)into thinking that K.T. was married… to a woman. Then the questions began and we discovered that she is a TA and may or may not have slept with a professor. After several enticing names were suggested we settled on Sextra Credit.
With that, Circle was closed.
Over Heard at the Hash
Goes Down Often “It’s like Joy, on my face”
Holy Fuck “That trail was as useless as a Cockroach”
Sextra Credit “That’s the second longest I’ve ever been on my knees” *
On, on,
Two Clump Chump
* This quote may have been modified from its original version
Filed Under Trash | 2 Comments
BFM 245: Halloween!!!
Posted on November 5, 2008
I may have received complaints that I mispelt your name. More than once. In a different way each time. After being reminded of the correct spelling. Because I care, I want to take the time to personally apologize. This sort of behaviour is unacceptable in a professional organization like this one. After embezzling half of your hard earned hash cash, the minimum you should expect is affective proofreading. Important things, like good grammar, spelling, and word choice, don’t just happen.
The usual crowd showed up for Halloween festivities at Westy’s. We are actually getting organized and stuff; More than half of the hash showed up in costumes that didn’t suck. There were a few retreads from previous years, but my personal favorite was Mother Bates. Not only was it homemade, but it was completely impractical to run it. Plus it had a little string to pull out for extra joy. For some reason he was trying to get all the girls to pull it. Mediocre and Stupid’s subtle button was a close second. I might have been a little distracted by other parts of her costume, but its not often you see a donkey taking it from an elephant.
Now for the professional drinker, this was the start of a bender the likes of which Philly hadn’t seen in a long time. With the Phillies parade early Friday morning, Halloween Friday night, was ugly. I decided it would be much more fun to go into work on Friday instead. I got to train grizzled old men on why they shouldn’t stick fingers near rotating objects and immediately afterwards get grilled by super-slick executive-types on why I shouldn’t have just let Darwin run its course. I got back into the city around 5 to waves of fans singing and literally staggering up the streets. The true scale of the debauchery only really hit me when I tried to buy a beer yesterday from gay pizza on 12th and pine and instead I had to buy a PBR because they were completely sold out. Life is cruel in just too many ways to mention
In other news, the trail probably was good, but owing to the fact that LRRW set it, and I’m too big of a pussy to run without sneaks on, I only saw the first ½ a mile. From what I heard, people got sweaty and drunk, and what could be wrong with that? I met a few autohashers at the bar, and we got straight to our time honored tradition of gossiping about who is sleeping with whom. The latest happy fun slander is that Hold the Rimmer and Cleavage to Beaver have “something cookin” but Scammin ole Ladies has beef with that.
Who Came:
Just Regina – Cyndi Lauper, Muff – Forrest Gump, Wonder Blow – Sushi Chef, Sloppy Ho – Sloppy ho, Nappy headed Ho – Deflater Mouse, Sloppy Ass Kisser – Kewpie Doll, One Night Only – Mrs Robinson , Up her Ali -PETA’s Worst Nightmare, Cause For Blindness - Dalmation, Flounder - Dalmation, Rear Engineer – Competent RA, , Just Kaytie – Pregnant Catholic Schoolgirl, Just K-T - Kat, Scammin’ Old Ladies – typical Friday night getup, Hold The Rimmer – Jason + Victim, Mediocre & Stupid – Para-Sailing, Fruit Of The Clue – Walking Biohazard, Jingle Ballzzz- 70’s runner, Where’s My Vagina – Duff WoMan, 2 Clump Chump Ben Franklin No pants, , Europeen On Me – Bat Girl, Working Girl – Avid Cyclist , Post Anal Drip – Hot Cop, Little Red Riding Wood – Da Ginja Ninja, Skin Fiddle - employed, Popeye’s Bitch – the una-baller, Cleavage To Beaver – Wonder Woman, Pisscycle - Cat, , Cherry Poppins – German Beer Girl , and Scooby Snatch - Scooby
Circle:
Circle Notes: At some point during the circle, the skullbongo made its BFM debut. Now it wasn’t quite a zombie killer or a flambongo, but definitely inspired more than the usual amount of follow up accusations
Hare’s: LRRW
Virgins: Liz and Janice (mild mannered reporters out for a lark)
Lisa – Pisscycle
John – Cleavage
Matt and Brian - KT
Visitors: Super Teflon Dong, and I Eat Teabags from Boston. – they sung us a song we knew and liked, and all was well with the world.
Long time no seers: Fruit, Sloppy, Europeen, Working Girl, Cherry Poppins, Just Dave,
First in/Last In: Jingle Ballzzz and Flounder
Autohash – Skinfiddle, Rash, and some names I can’t read
Overachieving @$$ Clowns – Rash and Working Girl for running the Marine Corps Marathon
Violations – 2 Clump for not wearing pants (though isn’t that hash appropriate?)
Just Kaytie for drinking while preggers
Jingle for wearing race apparel
Muff for being ashamed of displaying his muff and hiding it under bike shorts
Sloppy for recycling costumes
Naming: We had a naming this circle. Just Kaytie was brought out to the circle. Stories were told of a stripper pole, and steamy nights with Mediocre and Stupid, but eventually attention was brought back to the fact that she can barely keep her website up. It was one of the quickest namings in our history, but Goes Down Often is our newest BFMr.
So we ran out of time for announcements and further accusations because the DJ couldn’t wait to start the music. All three of his regulars were getting DT’s from having to delay their journey fix 5 whole freaking minutes. We eventually joined in and proceeded to put all the other participants to shame. Admittedly most of the shame was on the myriad of poor choices hashers were making, unfortunately, I left early before it really got ugly.
Announcements:
Nov 6th Students Run Philly Pre-lube: booze it up with students run philly starting at 630pm at Irish Pub on 12th and Walnut, then stumble over to the hash.
Nov 6th BFM # 246 – 730pm Pickup Hash at The Fieldhouse in Reading Terminal Market
Nov 8th Philly Hash – 3PM hared by Scooby Snatch
Dec 4th BFM # 250 – 730PM More fun than you can shake your stick at
Dec 11th Festivus – 730PM The bar crawl for the rest of us.
Dec 18th Christmas Lights – 730PM Watch the light shows in south philly; It’s how Jesus would have wanted it.
Haberdashery – The Rash wants to keep you warm. She hasn’t lost all touch with her soul enough to feel comfortable actually touching you yet, but she is organizing an order of fleece vests if you want in.
QOTN: Working girl is wearing a US Govt issue condom
Jingle Ballzzz
Filed Under Trash | Leave a Comment
