I know that some over-achieving trash clowns have been posting trash on Fridays.  I am here to lower the bar.  

Earlier in the evening, I was visiting with long-time Philly H3er Meat Tenderized, who lives in Grey’s Ferry.   After listening to his reports on the recent upswing of muggings and pistol-whippings in the area, I made my way to the bar not without a little trepidation. (Now, don’t get me wrong.  I like being pistol-whipped as much as the next person, but I prefer to be unconscious after I drink, not before.) 

I arrived just in time to see the hares (Cleavage to Beaver and Goes Down Often) take off.  

Inside the bar, people were milling about: Son of a Goatfucker, Sly Fox, Jingle Ballzzz, Where’s My Vagina?, Softcore Analyst, Cunting Season, Tickle My Elmo, Festering Beanie  Baby, Swollen Cockpit, Cherry Poppins, Just Ed, S&M Man, Itemized Seduction, 2 Clump Chump, Mediocre & Stupid, Deep Discunt, Sextra Credit, Subcuntinent, Anal ProBoner, Nappy Headed Ho, Post-Anal Drip, Just Dave, Just Gabriel, Just Dan,  Jay Walker, Fire Down Below, Scooby Snatch, Bumble Beaver, Scammin’ Old Ladies, Heave-Ho, Just Lisa

Scooby called the pack together for a brief but informative chalk talk and sent the hashers out into the night.  Trail headed north in a straight line for a long time, a very long time.  

Round about 23^rd and Walnut, the pack got stuck at a check where the hares placed one of the furthest falses that I’ve seen at the BFM in years.   After being confounded at the check for some time, a giant arrow appeared as if by magic, and the pack was back on trail.  At 18^th and Spruce the loveliest of hash marks appeared, and we all piled into Anal ProBoner’s pad for a refreshing beer check.  There the shocking truth was revealed: we had split hares.  While her co-hare set the false, Cleavage to Beaver continued laying trail toward Logan Circle.  Goes Down Often, overcome with fear at suddenly realizing she was alone, bought a new bag of flour and redirected everyone to the beer check. 

Festering Beanie Baby volunteered to lay the 2^nd half of trail.   In what appears to be a new trend this year, the pack decided about a block into trail that they would go “On In,” leaving Festering Beanie Baby to continue his fruitless task alone.    Rear Engineer in one of his leader-like moments suggested that we turn back and find true trail.   Three poor fools blindly followed him: Tickle My Elmo, Just Ed, and yours truly, but we were rewarded for our loyalty with an impromptu beer check at Ten Stone.  When we finally got back to the bar, everything was prepared for the

 

Circle:

  Hares: Cleavage to Beaver, Goes Down Often, Festering Beanie Baby

 Virgins:  Just Ed who is a brewer. (Elmo made him cum all the way from Nebraska, quite a feat.)  Just Gabriel who, like OJ Simpson, is not a Jew. (Anal ProBoner made him cum.). Just Dan who is Nappy Headed Ho’s brother.  (Nappy made his brother cum, which was no surprise given his many years of support for the Philadelphia chapter of “Families for Incest.”)

 Visitor: Itemized Seduction from Princeton H3.  She sang “Let Me Entertain You.”

 First In: Deep Discunt (Cunting Season and Subcuntinent drank for “When one Cunt drinks…”)

 Last in: Tickle My Elmo

 Cums Lately: Cherry Poppins, Festering Beanie Baby

 Auto-hashers: Heave Ho, Nappy Headed Ho, Just Christine, Just Dan, (Just Gabe, Just Ed, for “When one virgin drinks…”)

 Violation: Scooby for repeating a song

 Accusations:

Anal Proboner accused the hares for not having a map (and something about “The Iraq” and “The South Africa” not having maps).

 Subcuntinent was accused for taking pictures while people were walking away from the circle. (Cunting Season and Deep Discunt drank for “When one Cunt drinks…)

 Jingle Balls for tech on trail.

 Softcore Analyst for spending too much money on gloves.

 H₂Ho for having an account on Hash Space 2 minutes after being named. (Heave Ho and Nappy for “When one Ho drinks…”)

 Violation: H₂Ho - hat

 Goes Down Often for being a frightened rabbit (LRRW for “When one On Sec drinks…”)

 

Announcements:

1.) Philly H3 on Saturday: Three Balls hared.

2.) Order tickets for Roller-Derby in advance because as Bumble Beaver (aka Teara NewOne) says, “We’re Hot Shit!”

3.) March 12^th BFM Green Dress Pre-Pre-Lube @ Westy’s

4.) March 13^th Full Moon Green Dress Pre-Lube @  Sugar Mom’s

5.) March 14^th Philly H3 Green Dress Hash @ Get Happy Pub (on Headhouse Square)

6.) March 15^th Fat Boy – Cleavage to Beaver and S&M Man (904 Pine Street)

6.) May 3^rd Goat Races at the Sly Fox Brewery in Phoenixville – it’s never too early to look forward to the Goat Races!

 

After circle, the bar had an open mic night, or what our illustrious GM calls “The BFM talent show.”  Locals were treated to Cleavage to Beaver’s “Filthy Dirty Song” (lyrics below so you can sing along next time), S&M Man’s infamous Scottish Song (lyrics below), and LRRW’s pseudo-Irish/Hasher song.

  

On On,

 Little Red Riding Wood

 

 

 

 

 
 Lyrics to the Filthy Nasty Song
(Music and Lyrics by Cleavage to Beaver)

Verse 1:
I tried to write a song about you, I couldn’t think of what to say.
The thoughts and words going through my head – they made me blush, they made me red
And while you might not really care to hear
About the dirty things I’d like to do to you, dear,
I went and wrote this filthy nasty song about you, anyway.

Verse 2:
I’m gonna meet you at the front door,
I’m gonna take you by the hand down the hall,
I’m gonna kiss you on your mouth,
And then I’ll work my way down south.
I’ll get down on my knees and pray
To the god in your pants to bless my day.
I’m gonna make you sing, I’m gonna make you hum,
I’m gonna make you scream, and then I’ll make you cum.

Chorus:
Y’know I really wanna do it. Oooh
So hurry up, let’s get down to it. Oooh
Oh, please don’t wait, just let me have a taste of you below your waist
Let me defile, debase you and sit on your face
Want you to stick your pole into my glory hole
I wanna do it. Oooh ooh oh.

Verse 3:
I’m gonna take you to the sofa,
I’m gonna strip you down naked, and then
I’m gonna dance around nice and slow,
Gonna writhe and squirm in a strip-tease show.
And when you finally think I’ve gone too far,
I’m gonna mount you and ride you like the beast you are.

Chorus

Bridge:
Oh, but maybe I’ve said too much about the places on you I’d like to touch.
Oh, but baby it’s be divine if you’d be my naughty valentine.
I could be your own personal slut,
I’ll even let you stick it in my butt.

Verse 4:
I’m gonna take you to the bedroom,
I’m gonna change into my leather and whips.
I’m gonna getcha on your hands and knees,
I’m gonna make you beg, I’m gonna make you plead.
I’ll spank you, whip you, tie you up
And then make you watch "Two Girls, One Cup."

Chorus

Verse 5:
We’ll try out every possible position, from number one to sixty-nine
We’ll defy taboos, we’ll flout tradition
We’ll break some laws, we’ll cross some lines,
We’ll explore the spectrum of pleasure and pain,
We’ll fuck so loud that the neighbors complain.

Chorus:
Y’know I really wanna do it. Oooh
So hurry up, let’s get down to it. Oooh
Oh, please don’t wait, just let me have a taste of you below your waist
Let me defile, debase you and sit on your face
Want you to stick your pole into my glory hole
I wanna do it. Oooh ooh oh. Oooh ooh oh. Oooh ooh oh

 

 

 

 

Scotsman Song

Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar on evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked that he drunk more than his share
He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh, ring di diddly I oh
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by
And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath the kilt
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh, ring di diddly I oh
I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath the kilt

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold, for them to see, beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh, ring di diddly I oh
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

They marveled for a moment, then one said we must be gone
Let’s leave a present for our friend, before we move along
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh, ring di diddly I oh
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show

Now the Scotsman woke to nature’s call and stumbled towards a tree
Behind a bush, he lift his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what’s before his eyes.
O lad I don’t know where you been but I see you won first prize
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
O lad I don’t know where you been but I see you won first prize