So one day, I had this idea. Not only are there a sh*it ton of hashers in Fairmount (that’s another run, called Do Shots, Don’t Get Shot), there are a ton of bars. When we run, many of us attempt to surmise the destination of the hares, either in an effort to short cut trail or just outsmart another half-mind (who doesn’t use nearly as many big words). That being said, I took this opportunity to f* with the mob, with both amusing and disastrous consequences: we ran by several common and possible Beer Near’s and didn’t stop at a one. Now, as hare, I plotted this out and thought it was hilarious, but One Inch In, Where’s my Vagina?, Sloppy Ho, Bumble Beaver, Tickle My Elmo, The Rash, Post-Anal Drip, Rear Engineer, Can You Hear Me Now?, Two Clump Chump, The S & M Man, Just Gabriel who picked Just Heather up on trail, Just Brittany (ala Grab My Handlebars and PenIs in my Ear) didn’t really agree. Sadly, pre-run crashers, ChernoBlow and Midnight Tranny to Georgia, and post-circle crashers, Hold the Sausage & Short Distance Rimmer walking in alongside Sleeps Around the C*ck & Working Girl, in addition to Just Jen (arriving just in time to Tickle (his) Elmo) didn’t have the chance to weigh in on trail.

Oh well, lessons learned. Never play telephone, expecting to get anything more than ‘purple monkey dishwasher,’ and expect the Spanish inquisition, always.

Circle

Hares: Grab My Handlebars and PenIs in my Ear

…Not enough BN’s…

…Not enough unmarked falses…

…Too much reading…

…Shitty – really, we’re not kidding!

–This portion of circle was rudely interrupted for some sort of nerd sh*t about filling the valence of an electron orbit by Sloppy Ho and Post-Anal Drip, egged on by Two Clump Chump (who didn’t have to drink with his co-conspirators) so they were made to drink thustly–

Virgins: Just Brittany ala Grab My Handlebars and PenIs in my Ear and Just Heather, ala Just Gabriel on trail

[No Visitors]

First/Last In: Sloppy Ho and PenIs in my Ear

…and Grab My Handlebars for the “When one hare drinks…” rule.

…and Just Brittany for the “When one roommate drinks…” rule.

…in addition to Just Heather for the “When one virgin drinks…” rule.

[No Cums Latlies]

[No Autohashers]

…though Tickle My Elmo had to stunt liver because he was trying to shield Just Jen from being tainted by the likes of the mob…

Accusations

For trying to tell another member of mismanagement how to do their job while she’s not doing hers (hey bitches, this trash’ll post less than a week later so shove it – remember, the On Sec has the last word): Grab My Handlebars

…and the “When one hare drinks…” rule sucked PenIs in my Ear back into circle.

…and somehow Elmo starting thinking too hard after too much beer and decided that “When two roommates drink…” but Just Brittany suffered the liquid consequences of his bad math.

For having the worst Facebook photo of the new year: Sloppy Ho (but it’s not a picture of Cause’s t*ts so, really, that’s ok)

For using a mark that doesn’t exist (a BN with a circle and a slash through it): Grab My Handlebars and PenIs in my Ear

For inviting a Paddy Wagon over to the beer check: Tickle my Elmo

For saying “Where’s the Virgin? It was my job to keep track of her!”: Where’s my Vagina?

…and Post-Anal Drip for the “When one hotpants drinks…” rule.

–Point of Order: Why the hell is the Tranny verse backwards in ‘Face Down, A*s Up’??–

For his New Year’s party going down hill this year…No one peed in the washing machine, puked on the stairs, or pooped in the over (despite a valiant effort on the part of The Rash to spice it up by puking in the sink – great job, stand by your man): Rear Engineer

For doing an autism dance in circle: Sloppy Ho

For wearing five-fingers without being ashamed of himself: Just Gabriel

For wearing a shirt that gave him even more chest hair: Two Clump Chump

…and after a debate about the quantity, presence, and out-of-the-top-of-the-shirt status, it was decided that The S & M Man had to join him under then “When one teen wolf drinks…” rule.

Birthday Side-Sides

It was Bumble Beaver’s birthday!!

After her lovely side-side, it was noted that three engineers and an MD couldn’t manage to hold up one dainty harriette – though The S & M Man, Rear Engineer, Tickle my Elmo, and One Inch In didn’t drink for it…

Announcements

Bumble Beaver: Pub Crawl – Friday, 1/7 in honor of her mother’s responsibility for her not being a stain of cum…

Tickle my Elmo: Do Shots, Don’t get Shot – cumming up really soon! January 14^th, 2011 – Fairmount, no open bar but plenty of (full) moon!

Where’s my Vagina?: Bay to Breakers, coming up in May 2011 – 100^th anniversary!

Overheard on Trail

“That’s a lot of head!” –Unwitting virgin

“Nice head!” “Thanks, I like to think so” “Who doesn’t love good head” –Normal hash conversation

On-On,

Grab My Handlebars

It’s that time of year again – a mixture of lazy hashers, winter-time celebrations and some cheap sh*t from the bar to let you know that time with your god-awful family members and dealing with cold, short days will be here and over before you know it. Bonsai Bush, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Seiz’er TiTs, Gag Reflex, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, One Inch In, Mayor Quimby, Cleavage to Beaver, PenIs In My Ear, Just Ryan ala Bumble Beaver, ChernoBlow, Softcore Analist, Scooby Snatch, Flounder, Cause for Blindness, The S & M Man, Tube C*ck, Where’s my Vagina?, and Up Her Alley arrived in high Spirits to offer grievances (a sh*t ton of them!) and have much merry-making (some more than others) this holiday season. PenIs and I arrived late to Sugar Mom’s so, after a shot of the girly stuff for him and a beer for me (just kidding – I loved every moment of the Kahlua shot), we found the mob at Seiz’er TiTs’ Carside Rumplemintz Check, got in a few hash carols including "Walking around in Women’s Underwear" and "The Twelve Days of Hashing", moved onto the sh*ttiest of sh*tty Champaign of Beers at Lucy’s Hat Shop, and over to Drinker’s Tavern for 33 wedges of action. None of which was on the part of the festivus pole, and it was deemed too thin to be useful, though latecomers Two Clump Chump, The Rash & Rear Engineer didn’t really notice.

Circle

Hares: Midnight Tranny to Georgia and Seiz’er TiTs

[No Virgin]

Visitors: Just Marty (who isn’t just a Just) from Dio Garcia H3 who offered his balls to the circle

Auto First and Last: Overall Two Clump Chump

Cums Latlies: PenIs in my Ear, Up Her Alley, Gag Reflex, and Cause for Blindness

Autohashers: Two Clump Chump

Grievances

Mayor Quimby grieves against The S&M Man for getting’ him all fired up by wearing a “Champaign of Beers” hat in circle, like he’s new…

Flounder grieves against Midnight Tranny to Georgia for providing us with a thin, artificial Festivus pole…

Mr. Snuffleupamuff grieves in general for the use of the word, “Al-u-min-ium”…

Two Clump Chump grieves that Mr. Snuffleupamuff’s cousin Just Marty has more brains than him, they’re Monkey brains…

The S & M Man grieves that Softcore Analist couldn’t find his coat after midnight on new year’s eve so he took Cleavage to Beaver’s home instead…

Two Clump Chump grieves the $5o water bill for all the showers Softcore Analist has taken at his house and various others…

Cause for Blindness grieves the fact that, despite all of the announcements and the new month, she still couldn’t find the Phillies tailgate (though this wasn’t stated as a grievance, nor was it directed at someone)…

Scooby Snatch doubly grieves Cause for Blindness actually talking in circle and Gwyn—nerd name!!–Where’s My Vagina? shirt should have ended where the Penguin’s scarf ended…

Bonsai Bush grieves that we’ve had all these visitors at the BFM and Where’s My Vagina? hasn’t slept with any of them!

One Inch In grieves for Grab My Handlebars and the On-Secs who could not be present…

Up Her Alley grieves that she’s the only one in a regular relationship when she’s surrounded by all these engaged f*ckers…

Grab My Handlebars grieves about Mr. Snuffleupamuff’s b*tching about the engaged f*ckers when he turned around and got engaged himself…

Mayor Quimby grieves that Scooby Snatch, once again, has not proposed to his sister, and will no longer have the privilege.

Flounder grieves that his love, Cause for Blindness, has not been allowed by mismanagement to take the option – he has been quite deprived…

…And although Bonsai Bush was tempted to lift the ban, Cause took this opportunity to take the option, and we were graced with her bosoms…

Two Clump Chump grieves that all of the over-announcing by Scooby Snatch about Cousin It’s tailgate was enough to for him to change it to July…

Tube C*ck grieves the lending of a tube to Where’s My Vagina? and not getting it back, without blowing him…

Up Her Alley grieves that in the good old days when a guy showed up only where there was Karaoke, and now Mayor Quimby shows up at regular hashes…

Gag Reflex grieves that Where’s My Vagina?, for some reason, did not want to drink…

Chernoblow gets a mention because she continued to try and grieve, but only grieved silently…

Bonsai Bush grieved a lost spirit due to the fact that, last year, Grab My Handlebars tempted the women of the BFM with Pole Dancing lesson, without following through. And this was doubly grieved by the men of the BFM, as they were not invited to watch, especially Mayor Quimby…

Mr. Snuffleupamuff grieves that in 2004, there was a leader true to the hash, through thick and thin – so finally, there has been a leader to match this record, and gloriously has been to the hash fewer times than the hare: Midnight Tranny to Georgia…

Cause for Blindness grieves that mismanagement not ever let her…And before she could get her grievance out, she committed alcohol abuse and was once again silenced…

Up Her Alley grieves that the RA’s, Bonsai Bush and The S & M Man, looked far too much like Regis and Kathy Lee…

Mr. Snuffleupamuff grieves, after cumming into circle, the two in circle, Just Marty and Where’s My Vagina?, who had killed muppets in order to furnish their outfits…

Midnight Tranny to Georgia grieves that the females of the BFM haven’t taken full advantage of the…something…

Bonsai Bush grieves that there is no decent option for men in circle, except the Monkey Brains, which really isn’t ideal…

One Inch In grieves the fact that the hash has become a formally dressed event, with a suited Mayor Quimby, the always overdressed Gag Reflex, Paddington Bear Man Just Ryan, and muppet-killers Just Marty and Where’s My Vagina? showing up in foofy attire…

Chernoblow finally grieves, on the third attempt, that her love of animals makes the decapitation of the Penguin on Where’s My Vagina’s shirt quite disturbing…

Cleavage to Beaver grieves for a bunch of f*ckers, but mostly for two wankers who set themselves apart by overachieving – small men, of massive intellects: Two Clump Chump for being certifiable and The S & M Man for finally being really good at playing doctor…

Bonsai Bush grieves for, in the arena of physical pursuits, Scooby Snatch too has been overachieving, completing his first Iron Man this year…

One Inch In grieves because Cleavage to Beaver was walking about with her ukulele like f*ing Bob Dylan – and her use of the phrase, “ to hord over” rather than “ to lord over”…

Tube C*ck grieves for those who qualified for Boston, jackas*ses like One Inch In

Seiz’er TiTs grieves her love for Mr. Snuffleupamuff…

Bonsai Bush grieves for Up Her Alley allowing a burglar easy access into her house and not having a better trained guard dog…

Mr. Snuffleupamuff grieves that Just Marty is, in fact, not a Just, but is instead Ass Sweat…

…and Where’s My Vagina? drank under the “When one Muppet killer drinks…” rule.

(Wow, see? I told you that was a sh*t ton of b*tching – but that’s what we’re here for.)

At this point, it was taken as maybe the most grievous…grievance for the day: A hasher who is publically ashamed of his hash name. Defunct or no defunct hash, a hasher is thus for life. But Ass Sweat apparently felt otherwise and was taken into circle and beat senselessly for his misstep – because that’s how the BFM rolls – and by beat I mean he had to kneel on the dank, dark floor of Drinker’s Tavern and wait for Bonsai Bush and mob rule to bring him back into honor…

After a variety of suggestions, including, Crack to the Future; Sack to the Future; Ass to the Future; First Class Seiman; Ba-ah-ah-ad Seiman; Sweatin’ to the Oldies; Festivus Disappointment; It’s Ok If You’re Gay; Shake, Raddle and Scrode; and Indiana Scrode and the Temple of Balls… Finally, after much merry-making and jokes about his name, his balls (as shown previously), his love of sheep, his status as a Navy man, and the fact that he concealed his original hash name, he will now and (hopefully) forever be known as Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

Announcements

Mayor Quimby: Tonight is the last night I’ll refer to Scooby Snatch and my sister, because apparently she’s over him…

Tube C*ck: July will be – oh wait, January 14^th, 2011…Do Shots, Don’t Get Shot…Farimount

Rear Engineer: New Years Eve party. Come piss in the washer, vomit on the stairs…or go home with a new coat!

ChernoBlow: Club Risque fundraiser, coming up!

Scooby Snatch: Cousin It…really, by now you know the drill.

The S & M Man: SoHo…Looking for head also?

One Inch In: 33 tacos in 13 minutes Challenge upstairs – if you eat them all, they’re free!

Overheard on Trail

After seeing Cause’s t*ts, Seiz’er TiTs remarked “And now I’m an official BFMer…Eww…”

On-On,

Grab My Handlebars

What a glorious day it was! Finally, the return to our beloved Callahan’s (note: this is not Cavanaugh’s) and the opening of a bridge that spans over South Street (wtf? This thing has it’s own Yelp page?! I think someone wanted to be first yelper on something lame, so they had to create one. It’s an f’ing bridge). Now, it would have been more appropriate hash behavior if we had gotten over it while it was still closed but then, you know, Mayor Quimby, Bonsai Bush, Hold the Sausage, Son of Goatf*cker, Dumpster, Where’s my Vagina?, Sleeps Around the C*ck, Softcore Analist, Itemized Seduction, Jug Stain, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Rear Engineer, Shefelta Fish, and Short Distance Rimmer may or may not have gotten arrested for doing so – Sternum and Rectum, Bumble Beaver, Two Clump Chump, Fire Down Under, and the late arriving Working Girl would not have. They would have just pointed and laughed. So, sans exposed rebar or crumbing concrete, the mob ran over the fancy-shmancy actually constructed bridge. And after running down some dark stairs and along a dark street that was way too close to getting abducted Grey’s Ferry, I have no idea where trail went because JugS and I got lost and headed over to Cavanaugh’s (note: this is not Callahan’s) because that would have been a pretty cool idea – we half-minds can’t keep these two bars straight anyway. That being said, it was a cold trail. Yea, that’s it. Really.

Circle

Hares: Short Distance Rimmer and Hold the Sausage

…Too much Grey’s Ferry”

…Not enough stretches of crime scenes…

[No Virgins or Visitors]

First/Last In: Mayor Quimby and Itemized Seduction

Autohashers: Sternum and Rectum, Bumble Beaver, Two Clump Chump, Fire Down Under, and arriving quite late Working Girl

Cums Latlies: Jug Stain, Shefelta Fish, Dumpster, and Stermun and Recturm

Accusations

For leaving before circle so his stunt liver could drink: Mayor Quimby

For almost completing circle by less than five minutes – finished in two: Bonsai Bush

For too much head for one outfit (BFM Tee and shorts): Rear Engineer

…and Where’s My Vagina? for the “When one BFM head drinks…” rule.

For being an on sec and there being no trash: Grab My Handlebars

…and Sloppy Ho for the “When one On-Sec drinks…” rule.

For taking notes for trash for trash that wouldn’t be written: Grab my Handlebars

For going to Cavanaugh’s: Fire Down Under

…and Jug Stain and Grab My Handlebars for the “When one person who goes to Cavanaugh’s drinks…” rule.

For being Short Distance Rimmer: Short Distance Rimmer

…and Hold the Sausage for the “When one hare drinks…” rule.

For being Rear Engineer: Rear Engineer

…and Where’s My Vagina? for the “When one BFM head drinks…” rule.

For the GM actually coming out to the hash and not knowing why it’s funny: Midnight Tranny to Georgia

…and Two Clump Chump for the “When one GM drinks…” rule.

…and Sternum and Rectum, Bumble Beaver, Two Clump Chump, and Fire Down Under for the “When one autohasher drinks…” rule.

For spilling her beads all over the floor: Grab My Handlebars

For dressing like Lick Hymen: Short Distance Rimmer

…and Hold the Sausage for the “When one hare drinks…” rule.

Announcements

Hold the Sausage: Tomorrow! PhillyH3 AGM $35…$15 after dinner and January 14^th, 2011: “Do Shots, Don’t Do Shots”

Rear Engineer: Under $40 for a full day of Paintball – December 11th, 2010

Grab My Handlebars: Neighborhood Bike Works Bike Part Art Auction, tomorrow night!

Late Accusation for the RA, who can’t do math: Bonsai Bush

Overheard on Trail

“I can hang a fur coat off my nipples”

“We did it in a pack”
“My ass has never been so sore!”

“So speaking of herpes, my mom…”

“I’ll put my piece in!”

On-On,

Grab My Handlebars

Well, here we are – epic number 350…And the auto(bot)s – I mean auto(hasher)s have taken over planet BFM. With their fearless and runless leader, Hold the Sausage, many of these figures actually transform into marathoners and run on their spare time but often don’t grace the BFM’s with their athletic prowess– instead they are busy working, or saving the world, or just being lazy. Joining her was Big Tackle, Skin Fiddle, Two Clump Chump, Bumble Beaver, Fire Down Under, Short Distance Rimmer, Just Gabriel, and Sloppy Ho – who actually turns into a nerd, rather than a truck or something cool and shiny. Filling in the ranks of the auto(mob) were the walkers, Likes the Hard One and Major Piece of Ass, serving as both run and auto(hasher) double agents.

(At this point you’re asking yourself, “Self? Weren’t the Autobots the good guys?” Well, not in my story. They’re not bad, per say, just part of a hostile BFM takeover where no one really runs any more. So a lazy, passive hostile takeover)

Trying to hold off the rapid decline of our beloved hash, running dutifully, warriors Sleeps Around the C*ck, Twat of Darkness, Working Girl, Overeasy, Itemized Seduction, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, One Inch In, Just Andy (ala Midnight Tranny to Georgia), Just Gimpy (ala Overeasy), Rear Engineer, and Scooby Snatch braved the elements and kept hope alive for one night at a time.

Circle

Hares: Midnight Tranny to Georgia

“Not enough beer checks!”

“Too many people on trail”

“More flour on the hare than the trail!”

Virgins: Just Andy (ala Midnight Tranny to Georgia) and Just Gimpy (ala Overeasy)

Visitors: Overeasy

First/Last In: Twat of Darkness, Itemized Seduction, and Major Piece of Ass

…who are apparently new, because they had to drink again for wearing hats…

Cums Latlies: Scooby Snatch, Skin Fiddle, Rear Engineer, and Overeasy

Autohashers: Most everyone, like Hold the Sausage, Big Tackle, Skin Fiddle, Two Clump Chump, Bumble Beaver, Fire Down Under, Short Distance Rimmer, Just Gabriel, and Sloppy Ho

Accusations

For trying to pay $6.50 because he didn’t have the other 50 cents – (Really? Shouldn’t we blame the person who brought him?): Just Andrew

For one of his kind murdering a businessman at a local hotel in old city: Midnight Tranny to Georgia

For not putting a condom in the pocket of her Roos (shoes)

For lying about the idea that there would need to be a bigger pocket for a condom in Sausage’s shoes: Short Distance Rimmer

For something about really stinky meats…hmm….: Scooby Snatch

For not knowing the walkers trail and generally being unkind to walkers: Short Distance Rimmer

For taking tech-on-trail and looking at brain sucking pictures on trail (better than porn? Or worse…): Just Andrew

For a hash crash with the horn and subsequent alcohol abuse: One Inch In

For racist behavior and subsequent racist talk: One Inch In, Rear Engineer, Short Distance Rimmer, Hold the Sausage, Big Tackle, and Working Girl

For making a thoroughly shitty Stan cake: Grab My Handlebars

For ordering a half sheet cake to be brought to the bar with the worst possible doors: Midnight Tranny to Georgia

For not knowing a song to sing: Ziggy Zaggy to Sloppy Ho

Announcements

Hold the Sausage: November 21^st, 2010 – World Famous Philadelphia Marathon Beer Check

Itemized Seduction: December 4^th, 2010 – Philly H3 Annual Grand Meeting

Scooby Snatch: July/August Tailgate…

Late Accusation for finding another Stan and leaving it there on the roadside…

(which was followed by the dead ‘whore’ song…)

On-On,

Grab My Handlebars

Once upon a time… No, I mean, long ago in a land far away… Wait, that’s not right… It was the best of times, it was the worst of times… Yes, that feels better – “it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair”¹.  But really, it was just a pathetically small mob in a new bar. Despite the awful feet smell of the conjoined Bar, Mill Creek Taven in fair West Philly was actually pretty cool. They had Lionshead on draft (kinda phallic, no?) and a lovely and very spacious, if not haunted, upstairs room. So, it was nice to see that Scooby Snatch, Major Piece of Ass, Likes the Hard One, Fire Down Under, Deep Discunt, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, One Inch In, Just Andrew, Son of Goatf*cker, and Where’s my Vagina? actually decided to show up on this both spring and winter (ok, it was really fall), best (creepy upstairs) and worst (trail, apparently, but I’ve seen and laid worse – trails, that is) night. Credit also goes to ChernoBlow, Sternum and Rectum, Two Clump Chump, and Just Judy for cumming, just not with the group.

Circle

Hares: Deep Discunt and Just Andrew

…Not enough whining…

…Not enough BC’s…

…Not enough FBC’s!…

No Virgins or Visitors (I told you it was kinda pathetic)

First/Last In: Son of Goatf*cker – Midnight Tranny to Georgia

Cums Latlies: ChernoBlow, Just Andrew, Sternum and Rectum, Major Piece of Ass & Likes the Hard One

Autohashers: ChernoBlow, Two Clump Chump, Grab My Handlebars, Just Judy & Sternum and Rectum

Accusations

For starting off as the guest RA with a stinkin’ hat on – are you new?!: One Inch In

For trying to imitate Mediocre and Stupid’s hare tactics with an FBC – or hares in general, but not doing a very good job: Deep Discunt and Just Andrew

For being a recent racist: Fire Down Under, One Inch In, and Scooby Snatch

For blowing the 2 run lead, the Phillies were accused, but both a conclusion was jumped to and blowing is acceptable hash behavior, so it was rescinded…

(holy cow, that was lame – I guess that trying to hold a hash during a playoff Phillies game illustrates that baseball and hashing are mostly mutually exclusive…)

Announcements

Two Clump Chump: Full Moon – Cavanaugh’s, tomorrow night

Scooby Snatch: Tailgate. Loser. Oh wait, Saturday is PH3’s 1700’s run!

And because the night wasn’t wise or foolish – or even incredulous – enough, there was a naming. Just Andrew had been hashing quite some time and was rumored to have done some stupid sh*t – so, on his knees he let spill – no, not his seed, thank you – but that he is a computer programmer, his favorite farm animal is a cow, favorite food is steak, favorite position is doggie style, favorite color is green, and favorite vegetable is an onion (what? Is this a first date? This sh*t is useless…). After being cursed – I mean, taught to hare by Deep Discunt, Just Andrew was almost branded with the likes of…Likes a Parfait…Nine Weeks, Five-Fingers…Nine and a Half Weaks…Tranny’s Little Bitch…Takes it up the A*s like Stan…Falling Off Art…Finishes Early…Digital Dick…Jersey-licious…Hard Her? I just met her…Something About Art…Five-Finger Me Harder…Fist Harder…Harder Back Clump…Harder? I just Bled her…

And moments before he was announced to be Five-Finger Me Harder, he started crying and yelling, “No, no – not in the hair!” Well, you really can’t tell the mob what to do. Especially when they are all hopped up on the power of branding you with the worst name for life, like ‘Wrong Turn to Brown Town’ or something about anal rape… Just Andrew did it to himself, really (I’m sure he did it at least twice before arriving that night, but that’s neither here nor there) – and he will now and forever be known as Nut in the Hare.

Now that that was done, there was one final remark about how Likes the Hard One had volunteered to do the beer check at her house, even arriving address in hand and just after the hares were gone she turned to our fearless leader, Midnight Tranny to Georgia (who sadly didn’t see this one coming), and asked, “Wait, I don’t have beer at my house – is that a problem?”

Oh well, that’s half-minds for you. And then there was baseball, and no drunk driving on Nut’s part. All in all, it was a mediocre time.

On-On,

Grab My Handlebars

It has come to my attention that the hash has become ‘option’al – as opposed to doing your diligence as a hasher by showing up and drinking a god damned beer, we are surrounded by (fewer and fewer) wankers who seem to want to take the easy way out. Every time a tribunal is brought together to lay sanction on a hasher who has violated our sacred code, some has to yell, ‘Option!’ as if beer isn’t the right choice. Well, I’m here to be stern and say that beer is the right choice, showing up is even better, and to save the boobies for your own time!

Now, that being said, it was a delightfully small and randy pack – you decide which ones are which – was brought all over hell and back – the waterfront, the hill of grasses off on locust, teetering the line between legal and ‘oh shit,’ and triumphantly making their way through the dank piss-filled 5^th street tunnel – the mob was tired and were glad to see Paddy’s (but not as glad as the hurried hares, who were almost caught). My favorite part? Picking the short straw when I had already refused to hare in the part of the city where we get arrested…And not regretting a moment. See, the hash may be thinning, but it is by no means optional – it gets into your blood (and onto your genitals, depending how friendly you get with the rumored Hash Herp).

Drinking alongside Short Distance Rimmer and Grab my Handlebars was Bonsai Bush, Can You Hear Me Now?, Rear Engineer, Scooby Snatch, Twat of Darkness, Sleeps Around the C*ck, Softcore Analist, Son of Goatf*cker, and Tube C*ck. Waiting back at the bar and not too happy about the audible called by the hares mid-trail was Two Clump Chump, virgin Just Johana ala Where’s my Vagina?, Seiz’er TiTs, and Mr. Snuffleupamuff. Sauntering in much later, not even close to reeking of the smoke emanating out of Paddy’s was Tickle My Elmo, One Inch In, and The S & M Man.

Circle

Hares: Grab My Handlebars and Short Distance Rimmer

…not criminal enough!

…Not enough homeless people houses’…

…not enough urban shaggy!

Virgins: Just Johana, ala Where’s My Vagina? who the mob pushed for the ‘option!’

Visitors: Rather than a regular visitor, we have a transplant, who was also urged to take the ‘option!’ but respectfully declined – Doggy Style from NYC had a joke about only needing 30 seconds…but, you know, that’s 30 seconds more than most of these wankers get.

First/Last In: Twat of Darkness and Softcore Analist

Cums Latlies: Tickle My Elmo, Sleeps Around the C*ck, Grab My Handlebars, and Short Distance Rimmer – Seiz’er TiTs and Mr. Snuffleupamuff drank and then again…because of headgear and co-conspiring to pour out beer, respectively (but not really respectfully – that’s just not cool).

…and something about a pelvis clause… Hmm… Maybe full-on sanity is optional too.

Autohashers: Two Clump Chump, virgin Just Johana ala Where’s my Vagina?, Seiz’er TiTs, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Tickle My Elmo, One Inch In, and The S & M Man.

Accusations

For fantasizing out loud about performing cunt-a-lingus on an 85 year-old waitress while using soft serve as a stand in: Softcore Analist

…and although there was much grumbling about this being ‘acceptable hash behavior because it wasn’t Cause, it was officially ruled that he’d drink for not actually giving her oral sex. (And someone thought it appropriate to give him an out… ‘Option?’)

For tech on trail: Doggy Style and Just Gabriel

For wearing a race shirt: One Inch In

(What the hell! The rules are not ‘option!’al…Hmmpf.)

For still not having enough trash posted (I’m up to 5! Does that mean I get to drink for all 5 missing?): Grab My Handlebars

For going to Paddy’s when the lazy Auto-Hashers were told we were going to Mako’s (oops): Short Distance Rimmer and Grab My Handlebars

For being the only ball-and-chained men in the room to bring their women this evening: Tube C*ck and Mr. Snuffleupamuff (not sure if that’s a commendation or a beer for the poor bastards)

For wearing orange in unison and pleasing Where’s My Vagina? without even touching her: Rear Engineer and Son of Goatf*cker

…and for using a nerd name while trying to spit out her accusation: Seiz’er TiTs

For being dirty racists: Sleeps Around the C*ck, Just Gabriel, Bonsai Bush, Short Distance Rimmer, and Scooby Snatch

For performing the most grievous of abuses, by pouring his beer down his back: Son of Goatf*cker (as respect for beer is not optional, by any means)

For wearing a race shirt (apparently there’s no two-strikes law in the hash… or any laws…except for that one about beer): Just Gabriel, Rear Engineer, and One Inch In

For…something…because they got pulled into circle: Doggy Style (maybe they were trying to see if that ‘option!’ thing would take the second time) and Can You Hear Me Now? (No, I can’t – because circle was too damned loud)

For doing a “Where’s Waldo?” impersonation: Where’s My Vagina?

…and Rear Engineer and Son of Goatf*cker for the “When one person wearing orange drinks…’ rule.

For first wearing a shirt that looked slightly like orange words and then for turning down a beer (btw we all ought to know the difference between orange and pink): Scooby Snatch

For tying his shoes backwards (hmm) and then running on them, making his toesies burn (double hmm), followed by allowing it to be idle trail chat (overall not a good idea): Softcore Analist

For wearing Argyle dress socks: Scooby Snatch

…which was deemed false, as Just Gabriel was wearing five-fingers and really had no place to b*tch, so he drank for it.

…and so did Tube C*ck and Twat of Darkness under the “When one five-finger owning hasher drinks…” rule.

(Can you tell by now that we had too much beer on our hands??)

For caring way too much about the difference between pink and orange: Tube C*ck

For sleeping with a Canadian: Bonsai Bush

For wearing a yellow hardhat to the hash, making a bad impersonation of Bob the Builder: Short Distance Rimmer

(And at this point, after much demands for the ‘option!’ and sh*t-giving about wearing orange, apparently Rear Engineer and Son of Goatf*cker got the message and took their shirts off)

For looking like the guy from “She’s Out of Your League”: Son of Goatf*cker

For not taking off his shirt when it was above 60 degrees: Short Distance Rimmer

(Yup, there it goes – shirts on for the girls, shirts on for the girls?)

Birthday Side-Sides

Short Distance Rimmer (which was followed by another drink, due to the helmet wearing)

Announcements

Rear Engineer: Philly H3 1700, coming October 23^rd, 2010! Yes, it is way after the actual 1700^th run – no matter!

Tube C*ck: Full Moon, October 22^nd

Tickle My Elmo: Philly Marathon (no you dirty racist, not for running! For the…) Beer Check: Ink it in, November 21^st – be there bitches.

Scooby Snatch (yet again): Cousin It…Tailgate…August…Maybe July…2011.

Overheard on Trail

Of Short Distance Rimmer after he decided to take his shirt off in line with Son of Goatf*cker… “So that’s where all of Goat’s chub went!”

On-On,

Grab My Handlebars

Ah, it’s that time of year again – a slightly dreary fall day – pouring and, by 7:15 it’s dark. Pants and umbrellas have replaced sports-bras and short-shorts (bummer…). As the stale stench of humidity leaves us more and more for crisp fall air, we like to see the ranks of the BFM swell back after summer travels, summer parties, and summer flings. And yet, the mob seems discombobulated, not sure how to adjust to the weather and all the new faces. Oh wait, it’s PAinter-hash weekend! There weren’t a lot of ‘painters,’ despite the theme – and although my wearing painters tape as a headband was an ingenious rendition of “Crown Molding” (if I do say so myself…and I do), Cause for Blindness and her Michelangelo tee-shirt and Tube C*ck in a workmans’ jumpsuit, complete with said blue tape and a paint roller on a pretty big stick really held their own and carried the slightly shameful, un-costumed group.

Not that I can talk – I arrived late to Bonner’s this particular evening, due to the rain, and a series of unfortunate events (like watching NCIS rather than getting ready for the running). Much to my chagrin, the pack was still at Bonner’s and was waiting for help figuring out what was going on (common for us Big-F*cking-Mess’ers). It was a memorable trail, as memorable as an Alzheimer’s patient’s, well, everything (too soon?) – I can say this should go down in the books as one of the hardest trails to follow. Oh boy did the pack get their exercise tonight – running to hell and back to see all of Philly’s big sights (except for South Philly’s Cheesesteak row, Independence Hall, the Art Museum, and the lesser-known piss stairs under city hall) – with trail no where to be found.

I’ll have to give to Runner Girl and Itemized Seduction – for out-in-the-Burb’ers, who think Philly is at the Airport (which technically is in Tinicum Township, PA 19153) according to the gossip, this trail did remain within the Philly city limits. Not sure? Just ask Cause for Blindness, Tube C*ck, Bumble Beaver, Flounder, Runner Girl, Softcore Analist, Just the Brown Tip, Twinkle Toes Ho, Can You Hear Me Now?, Where’s my Vagina?, Rear Engineer, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, ChernoBlow, Itemized Seduction, Little F*cking Winkie, Mediocre and Stupid, Post-Anal Drip, Up Her Alley, Virgin Pimp, Anonymously Into Dick Sucking, Just Andrew, Just Hal ala Whisky D*ck, Just Brian ala Nappy-Headed Ho, Lick Stick, Ass Worker, Just Suraj, Ruff Buff, Just Kurt, and having obviously having spent the day laboriously painting, there was not running for Scooby Snatch, The Rash, Bonsai Bush, Fire Down Under, Two Clump Chump, and Skin Fiddle.

Circle

Hares: Runner Girl and Itemized Seduction

…way too many checks!…

…Trail? Trail? What trail?

…too easy to follow!…

Virgins: Just Hal ala Whisky D*ck, who served as his stunt liver, and Just Brian ala Nappy-Headed Ho

Visitors: Just Gabriel, who apparently showed us a joke, in addition to Lick Stick, Ass Worker, Just Suraj, Ruff Buff, and Just Kurt.

First/Last In: Can You Hear Me Now? and Cause for Blindness, with some lovely, albeit unrequested, opera singing… Noting something about getting better at swallowing these days…

Cums Latlies: Runner Girl, Bumble Beaver, The Rash, Just the Brown Tip, Twinkle Toes Ho and Up Her Ally

Autohashers: Scooby Snatch, The Rash, Bonsai Bush, Fire Down Under, Two Clump Chump, and Skin Fiddle

Accusations

For point in circle: Just Gabriel

For cramming in a hymnal before circle: Bonsai Bush

For wearing what was termed a “doush-y green cape”: Scooby Snatch

…but this was deemed a totally false accusation, as this was the rockin’ BFM cape made by our very own (and Scooby’s too) Fire Down Under so Whiskey D*ck drank for it.

For tech on trail (really? We can’t come up with something better than that??): Just Andrew

For having two different painter outfits especially when the rest of us wankers couldn’t come up with one: Cause for Blindness

For relieving himself on trail: Softcore Analist

…but this was deemed acceptable hash behavior, as it was a close encounter with bush – surprisingly not the Bonsai kind! – so Just the Brown Tip took the down-down.

For letter a former RA drink: Bonsai Bush

…which was deemed a false accusation by Midnight Tranny to Georgia, because, well, it didn’t make any sense.

…and Tube C*ck alongside Two Clump Chump for the, “When 1 GM drinks…” rule.

…and Cause for Blindness under the, “When one painter drinks…” rule.

…and well, no one, because there are no other C*cks in attendance, so Just Andrew drank for being over zealous.

For requesting…something…that this on-sec was apparently too drunk (or circle was too loud, more likely) to hear: Virgin Pimp

For actually knowing where the beer check was but letting the mob struggle with the A**-backwards trail: Midnight Tranny to Georgia

For sending signals during circle: Just the Brown Tip

For knowing that Cause has really firm breasts, and not finding out second-hand from Flounder: Ass Worker

Announcements

Rear Engineer: Philly’s 1700^th run, October 23^rd!

Scooby Snatch: PAinter hash starts tomorrow…? Oh wait…

Tube C*ck: Next Full Moon, September 24^th – I hash, you hash – we all have to “Must-hash!”

Scooby Snatch (yet again): Cousin It…Tailgate…August…Maybe July.

After much beer, the BFM retired to the sitting room at Bonner’s and there was much Karaoke to be had. Renditions of “Big Balls” (shockingly done by Rear) and “If I had a Million Dollars” (really, we’d just drink it away anyway) were only topped by the embarrassment on the fact of the DJ as he yelled out “Scooby Snatch and Up Her Alley!!” out to the mostly drunk but curious bar. In the end, apparently, the PA-Interhash was moved into the city, Scooby got his phone back (after trifling with Grab My Handlebars’ phone but getting the smackdown by the Trio of Mediocre and Stupid, Two Clump Chump, and ‘Handlebars herself), and a good time was had by those who stayed and those who couldn’t handle it, left.The end.

On-On,

Grab My Handlebars

Did you know that there is more sugar in ketchup, per cup, than in ice cream? You wouldn’t really notice, unless you tasted it. A friend of mine didn’t believe me, so she pulled out the Ben and Jerry’s Phish Phood and bam! The Heinz 57 had more sugar… Sad, really – and obscure. More than that, my other obscure food fact is that there’s more vitamin C in a potato than in an orange – I’m not sure if that is with the skin on, for either, but yea – have some chicken soup with potatoes in addition to that orange juice.

I had to get on the internet to find some more obscure food facts, like Lemons contain more sugar than strawberries…Sometimes frozen fruits and vegetables are more nutritious than fresh…and Over 1,000 litres of beer are drunk in the House of Commons each week, whatever that means. That being said, let’s get back to the hash. Woolly Mammoth, which isn’t an obsure food fact, but an interesting drink – rather a scrumptious bar where Big Tackle, Goes Down Often, One Inch In, Deep Discunt, SheFelta Fish and her virgin Just Sharkey, Bumble Beaver, Can You Hear Me Now?, Cleavage to Beaver, Scooby Snatch, Bonsai Bush, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Itemized Seduction, Son of Goatf*cker, Jug Stain, Just Andrew, and ButR felt inclined to meet – joining us later was Where’s my Vagina?, Tube C*ck, Two Clump Chump, Little F*cking Winkie, Porn to Fail, though Just Ross never really did join in.

Circle

Hare: Midnight Tranny to Georgia

…Not enough Locust…

…way too cold!…

…Too much Penn’s Landing…

…And we lost a virgin on trail!

Virgin: We started out with Just Sharkey ala SheFelta Fish, but apparently he was lost on trail – so we adopted the bar-b*tch, Just Ashley, and lucky for her, we all made her cum

Visitors: Bringing Up The Rear (ButR), from Somewhere over the Rainbow

First/Last In: Son of Goatf*cker and Bonsai Bush (hmmm, must be too many ‘extra curricular’ activities)

Autohashers: Where’s my Vagina?, Tube C*ck, Two Clump Chump, Little F*cking Winkie, and Just Ashley

Cums Latlies: Goes Down Often, Deep Discunt, Grab My Handlebars, and Bumble Beaver

Accusations

For having shoes so bright that they should have lit the way home: Lick Stick

For racing on trail (and then pointing in circle): Goes Down Often and Scooby Snatch

For having tech on trail, on purpose: Cleavage to Beaver

…and Just Andrew for the “When one 5-fingers drinks…” rule

…and Bumble Beaver for the “When one Beaver drinks…” rule

For hashing in compression sleeves: Bonsai Bush

For bitching and moaning about the beer check right in front of the hare: Itemized Seduction

For…well, nothing in particular: Tube C*ck

…and something about a false accusation, at an occurrence “when one RA didn’t stick…” – Yea, you and me both…

And our original virgin Just Sharkey returns! So what do we do? Make him drink! Well, ShefeltaFish had to drink too, for letting her virgin get lost on trail…

For claiming a desire not to get the bartender drunk: Just Andrew

For allowing Thomas Jefferson to own her soul, as we all know what ole’ TJ does to those he owns (sally hemmings link): Cleavage to Beaver

For not making his brother, Just Ross, suffer through a few beers with the hash: Two Clump Chump

…and Tube C*ck for falsely claiming a virgin was over watching TV, when it was really a cum’s lately…

For starting oral school but not testing it on One Inch In: Deep Discunt

Announcements

Rear Engineer: Philly H3 1700, coming October 23^rd, 2010! Yes, it is way after the actual 1700^th run – no matter!

Cleavage to Beaver: Cousin It will be hosting a 2011 tailgate in…July? August?

Itemized Seduction: Date Rape – oh! I mean, day rate for PAinterhash – $50 for just Saturday’s festivities

Tube C*ck: Full Moon coming up on September 24^th, 2010

Overheard on Trail

“I guess I missed that whole year when you were Shoe-B Snatch, huh?” – CYHMN

In reference to pre-hash sex… “Perma-grin? Is permagrin what you’re searching for?” Some unstated but obviously jealous hasher…

“This is an untamed, free bush – it’s wild mangina” ala Scooby Snatch

On-On,

Grab My Handlebars

Funny how we only descend upon West Philly bars in the depths of summer, hoping for an empty campus and campus pricing on beer. Moreover, we wouldn’t dare do the same for Temple’s campus – that’s an adventure better suited for the much crowded mid-semester. Ah, west Philly – how we love thee. Nice, wide walkways – history without that pesky threat of being arrested.For some reason, we harken back to glory days in the musky, dank basement of Cavanaughs – the shit beer isn’t enough, we need a hole to crawl into (insert sex joke here…). 

So on a night, much like any other, I arrived late to be joined by Son of Goatf*cker, Bonsai Bush, Short Distance Rimmer, Two Clump Chump, Can You Hear Me Now?, Flounder, Cause for Blindness, Lyck Hymen, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Softcore Analist, Just Heather, Tickle My Elmo, The S & M Man, Just Steve who brought us Just Irene, and Just Nick – really, the mob was swelling with mid-summer numbers as – wait a sec, what the hell?? That’s all?? Hmmm… I guess summer vacations, and races, and summer jobs in conjunction with summer unemployment allowed the ranks of the BFM to dwindle low enough that Elmo felt inclined to show up. With some lessened levels of gusto and commitment, the mob was joined by the non-running likes of Tube C*ck, Up Her Alley, Stacks, Wild Bill, and Hareass. Ok, fine, and Grab My Handlebars – I didn’t run so I really can’t say anything about trail – though I could say a lot about the traffic on 95 north – that sucked more than the speed at which one would have to run to actually catch that Son of a… Goatf*cker.

Circle

Hare: Son of Goatf*cker

…Not enough trash!

…Too much flour after check…

…Too much distance from beercheck to bar…

…Hare was much too attractive!

Virgins: Just Irene ala Just Steve, but he apparently lost another virgin on trail – maybe he’s making out with a girl upstairs in the bar?

…No Visitors…Apparently we don’t have a well enough known name – maybe we need to have a bomb scare or become more infamous in another way…

First/Last In: Cause and Flounder – you decide which is which (and they linked arms as they drank the down-down)

Cums Latlies: Hareass, Stacks, Lyck Hymen, Wild Bill, and Up Her Ali

Autohashers: Hareass, Stacks, Lyck Hymen, Wild Bill, Tube C*ck and Up Her Ali

Accusations

For autohashing in running gear: Tube C*ck

For wearing racist apparel: Just Nick

For being over-achieving ass clowns, in addition to getting all wet and rolling around without inviting the rest of the has: Tickle my Elmo, Bonsai Bush, and Tube C*ck

For having food in circle: Just Irene

For over-achieving and becoming GM’s of the Philly Full Moon: Tube C*ck and Two Clump Chump

…and Up Her Ali, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, and Stacks for the “When one GM drinks…” rule.

For claiming he’s having too much beer: Tube C*ck

For wearing new shoes!: Just Nick, who had to ‘shoot the boot’

For not being hot enough that he had to wear a long sleeve shirt, when it was 8 degrees outside: Softcore Analist

…who was joined by Grab My Handlebars and Tube C*ck for the “When one long sleeve wearer drinks…” rule.

For working in an AIDS clinic but worries about getting it by drinking from his shoes rather than his explicit activities at the rest stop: Just Nick

For not posting new trash in over a month: Grab My Handlebars

For throwing out half a keg of beer, no matter how skunked: Short Distance Rimmer (a most grievous unacceptable hash activity)

For trying to give chalk talk: Cause for Blindness

For punching the ceiling: Midnight Tranny to Georgia

For being jealous of Tranny reaching the ceiling: Two Clump Chump

For complaining about having her calendar open so she had to up and volunteer for, uh, something: Cause for Blindness

Announcements

Tickle My Elmo: 11 Months to the next wet and wild RAGBRI

Stacks: August 28^th, 2010 – Philly 1700! Wissahicken Canoe Club

Cause for Blindness: PAinter hash @ Terminal A, PHL

Overheard on Trail

On-On,

Grab My Handlebars

It started out as a good night alright. A night like any other. But little did the hash know, as the first stragglers chatted with a visitor from Alaska over a beer and much curiosity about their convention of bi-weekly “Drinking Practice” held in their kennel, there was trouble stirring. They should have know when there was not an RA, GM, or flour come ten of 8, but it was too close to convention to feel the mist (or humidity?) that was stirring in the coming night. Vesuvio’s is always an accommodating place, and the mob was off to support a neighborhood movement that was held weekly in Triangle Park. You can drink there, right? It’s a public place, right? Friends of the Triangle Park would be there and fate would show that the righteous (and fast-moving) win out in the end. Surrounded by the likes of Rear Engineer, Sly Fox, Just Anne, Snap Off, Twat of Darkness, Two Clump Chump, Cleavage to Beaver, The S & M Man, Can You Hear Me Now?, Gag Reflex, Itemized Seduction, Seiz’er TiTs, Slutty When Wet, Just Adrian, Pero Pero Candy, Just Ryan, Just Wei, Just Josh, Hare Bear Softcore Analist, The Rash, and not running, Hold the Sausage, Little F*cking Winkie, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Virgin Pimp, Just Rachel, Where’s my Vagina?, Short Distance Rimmer, and Second Cumming, the mob felt fortified in their numbers. When we return, we will find that later that evening, their fragile sense of security would be shattered, as officers of the law descended from the shadows to damn their fun and make them put the beer away. Shoot…

(commercial break)

Circle

Hares: Where’s My Vagina? and Grab My Handlebars

…not enough checks…

…not enough whining or complaining…

…not enough herpes or ghetto, or playgrounds…

Virgins: Just Ryan, Just Wei, and Just Josh ala visiting hasher from Japan, Pero Pero Candy (think about something like ‘licking’ and ‘body’)

Visitors: Pero Pero Candy from SamariH3, who really wanted to tell a joke but showed her t*ts instead, then told a joke about saggy boobs – Hare Bear from OkinawaH3, who sang a great song “Please tell me why” – Just Adrian for AnchorageH3 who told a joke about a red and white nipple…Not sure the punch line.

First/Last In: Hare Bear and Two Clump Chump…because they missed the beer check

Cums Latlies: (just you wait…)

Autohashers: Hold the Sausage, Little F*cking Winkie, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Virgin Pimp, Just Rachel, Where’s my Vagina?, Short Distance Rimmer, and Second Cumming,

(commercial break)

Accusations

For misunderstanding recent controversial immigration laws and moving from PA to Arizona….I mean, Boston: Snap Off

For dunking at a 2-foot basketball hoop and being way too proud of himself: The S & M Man

For being a racist on-trail: Just Wei

…and under the “When 1 Virgin drinks…” rule, Just Ryan, Just Wei, and Just Josh

For not offering the police officers beer, or a handjob: Where’s My Vagina? and Grab My Handlebars

For trying to get someone to taker her gigantic pussy, because she’s moving (not sure an immobile pussy would be better): Snap Off

For cumming lately, or not: Cleavage to Beaver, Second Cumming, and Virgin Pimp

For yelling “On-on!” at the first clump – apparently she does not know the American way of counting: Snap Off

For Trying to impersonate Keanu Reeves from “Point Break” (orange tee and board shorts)…every time he’s at the hash: Second Cumming

For being the closest visitor…all the way up there, where you can see Europe: Just Adrian

For crashing the ladies Wine and Cheese night, in a perty dress: Can You Hear Me Now?

For bringing a marathon poster to the hash (as only racist have marathon posters): Snap Off

For accepting said marathon poster at the hash (as only racist accept a marathon posters): Rear Engineer

For demanding the hash be on-time and not being on-time themselves: All late members of mismanagement, which included The S & M Man and Mr. Snuffleupamuff…

For trail, in general: Where’s My Vagina? and Grab My Handlebars

For being ‘Beerly Departed’ and leaving her hash family, and a lovely speech: Snap Off

Announcements

Hold the Sausage: Full Moon AGM: 23^rd and Brown Streets, $25 for food and beer

Mr. Snuffleupamuff: Tuesday Mt. Airy, MuffFest!

Rear Engineer: Philly 1700, it’ll be a ball buster!!

On-On,

Grab My Handlebars