It was the night before what some geeks would call the GREATEST release in the West. Nothing seen before would equal the magnificence of this opening. No, I am not talking about The Avengers, I am referring to the home made porno that someone would make on an iphone with a certain bad touching uncle out in Harrisburg. Sadly, since it was near Harrisburg, it became labeled on YouTube as “Three Minute Island”. Yes, it was the Stinko Prelube. I won’t go into the history of the holiday, if you really care to know why it is not Mexican Independence day, feel free to read my year-old post: BFM 376: Stinko

I found myself stuck trying once again to find a parking spot and had to use the dam multistory one across from Jose Pistolas. Chef had picked a nice little bar that we hadn’t been to before and within a few minutes, we found out why. Oh, there was a nice crowd, but, it was too cramped for us, demonstrated by some innocent bystander knocking my full pint of Yards right to the floor, showering me with broken glass. He was a gentleman at least and bought me a replacement beer, so that was cool. But alas, there was no place to secure bags, so several of those hashers there actually took their lives in their hands and accompanied me to the black and white beast to secure their gear, no doubt hoping I wouldn’t ask, “Say, are you a size 14?” Included in this group was visiting Liquor Box who was in Philly because she was too stupid to figure out how to get out of jury duty.

WHO PRESTINKO’ED
Just Julie, Just Maria, Short Distance Rimmer, Hold The Sausage, Uncle Bad Touch, He’s A Lesbian, Urine Luck, Just Aaron, Manual Fiesta, Penis In My Ear, 3 Balls, Son of Goatfucker, Just Lisa, Just Mike, Gag Reflex, Liquor Box (LVH3), Flipper Over, One Inch In, Taco I Barely Know Her, Chef Boy Or Horse, Just Katie, Just Matt, Just Val, Scoobie Snatch, Shop & Fuck, Tits Of Steel, Cube Cock, Where’s My Vagina, S&M Man, Do Daddy Too, and our wannabee hash flash, Splash Back.

Uncle Bad Touch and Shop & Fuck volunteered, nay BEGGED to hair, saying they had something special for us, which made us all check our wallets, and gird our loins (and in some cases, buy condoms, penicillin and bleach and steel wool), and prepare for an interesting….

TRAIL

http://www.everytrail.com/view_trip.php?trip_id=1558961

OK, off we started down an alley behind the bar, and off towards Broad Street, where we re-enacted out beer crawl the previous week, I am guessing that Uncle was in rerun mode for a second, but then off we ran, West on Pine, once again, scaring the hell out of a few yuppies walking around thinking that we were occupiers, or a confused flash mob. We hung a quick left down 17th and then saw a street (Waverly) that had more Christmas lights (in May, no less) than the entire Festival of Darkness hash. Uncle and Urine step laddered the trail South and West, having us guess a bit as to where the beer check would be, until we hit South Street, realizing that we were headed to Callahan’s where that picture of my doppelganger hangs. Trust me, it is NOT me, wow, if I hear THAT one more time…. Anyway, I digress, we found a lovely beer near and were able to swill some of that tasty nectar. Our hares vanished and we went off after them, looking for trail. The trail went North on Taney, into Schuylkill River Park where we found a marking that said “FCP” or something like that. No one knew what it meant, and us FRBs (only by virtue of Scoobie and I saying screw it and leaving) found the trail headed North. Sadly, we also found Locust street and said to ourselves, time to make it an On-In, and headed back to the bar. Apparently, according to the rest of our intrepid Harriers, the trail actually kept heading North and into Fairmount, which seemed retarded to them, so they too, headed in. Instead, our hares were waiting for us in McGillans at 1310 Drury St. with two Pitchers and no one. They sat for a while, drinking while wondering where the hell we had gone off to.

Meanwhile back at Jose Pistolas, the hash was doing it’s impression of Congress and disagreeing with our GM, who was by now wondering why the hell he allowed himself to be roped into this job. For some reason, one hasher decided that we should go up to Tops, a bar located next door and upstairs, which looked suspiciously like that scene in “Goodfellas” where Robert Deniro tries to have Lorraine Braco wacked. “Just keep going upstairs” I seriously thought I was going to get rolled up in a carpet and stuffed in a dumpster.

Other hashers must have had the same idea, so even after hash cash was collected, we relocated to yet ANOTHER bar, this time the Good Dog, for a very abbreviated….

CIRCLE:
HARES: Uncle Bad Touch, Shop & Fuck
There was a huge pause while we all started singing “Jesus Saves” until we got more beer
FIRST IN/ LAST IN: He’s A Lesbian / Taco I Barely Know Her
VIRGINS: Just Amy, Just Mike et al (WMV kept on signaling “wrap it up” so…)
VISITORS: Liquor Box from Lehigh Valley H3
AUTOHASHERS: Penis In My Ear, Gag Reflex, Where’s My Vagina, S&M Man, Do Daddy Too
CUMS LATELIES: Tube Cock, Penis In My Ear, Gag Reflex, Urine Luck, Do Daddy Too.

ACCUSATIONS:
Chef Boy Or Horse: For exceeding his brief and trying to run the circle
Taco for screwing us all and telling the visitor to sing us a song rather then give the option.
Do Daddy Too For going halfway gay with his outfit
Half the hash for being Raceist bastards and running the Broad Street Run

At this point, we had a premature ending of the circle for whatever reason.

ANNOUNCEMENTS:
May 31st COMIC CON HASH: Dress as your favorite super hero!!!!!

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH:
“Let me grab manual fiesta because we both wanted to put our pants someplace” – Uncle Bad Touch

“Is That One Inch In?” – He’s A Lesbian
“YYEEEEEESSSSSS!!!!!” – Everyone at the bar (actually the Flyers had just scored)

“I’d rather have a boner pressed up against my cup than a boner that everyone can see.” – Urine Luck

“I like watching Game of thrones because I keep hoping for some midget incest gay shit” – Liquor Box

“It’s right by my hotel.”- Liquor Box
“Nice. I’m engaged, but I like the way you think.” – Scoobie Snatch

Well, we had been running for so long, and Chef had been autohashing for so long that he decided, it’s high time we all autohashed. So, once again, it was time for a semi annual pub-crawl. What Chef Euphemistically called, “The Spring Libation Station Hash-ion. Aren’t these GMs cute when they first start out? Remember when Up Her Ali tried being cute, only to end up screaming, “Godamnit, we’re not fucking voting!!!!” And poor Just Craigalicious ended up as an inadvertent casualty.

But hey, I’m as lazy as the next guy, as my 3rd Trimester girlish figure will attest, so a pub-crawl sounded ok to me. Little was I to know…

WHO ENDED UP CRAWLING:
S&M Man, 69th Amendment, Just Katie, Just Joanne, He’s A Lesbian, Manual Fiesta, Son Of Goatfucker, Uncle Bad Touch, Taco I Barely Know Her, Just Dayna, Semen On The Poopdeck, Soft Core Analist, Just Val, Gay Matthews Lamb, Just Keith, Where’s My Vagina, Splash Back, Quart, Two Clump Chump, One Inch In, and of course, Chef Boy Or Horse.

Of course, there was no straw drawn, no chalk talk, and pretty much nothing that would lead a casual observer to even THINK we were hashers. This way, in case they were following us, we fooled them. Uncle Bad Touch claimed he was the hare once we started on the….

TRAIL:
Of course there was no chalk talk, or even chalk for that matter, so off we wandered, to the Raven lounge, which was it’s usual great self, although we never ventured up to the stripper pole room, but it was likely occupied by college students, or something. A cutthroat game of Strip Xenga ensued and just as Splash Back was about to lose it was time for us to wander off to another bar. This time we wandered off back down Sampson to Broad and ended up in this ginormous lower bar, where we took turns laughing at high school kids kept trying to get in the bar and the conversations took strange turns and we started telling horrible jokes to each other. From there we wandered off to the fourth of our little stops, the site of the ginormous pitchers and drink some lovely beer. While there, for some reason Splash Back began taking ass and crotch shots, the results of which can be viewed here;

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=oa.10150769538444099&type=1

CIRCLE:
HARE: Uncle Bad Touch
VIRGIN: At the BFM? Are you flippin kidding me?
CUMS LATELIES: Just Keith and Just Joanne

ACCUSATIONS:
Gay Matthews Lamb for singing at a urinal
Where’s My Vagina for starting a beer debate
Just Dayna for being gifted
One Inch In for meat gazing
Chef Boy Or Horse for skipping regular bars for gay ones
Two Clump Chump and Taco for having a potato sack race
Manual Fiesta for texting in circle
Quart for bringing up the best night of girl’s night and for sounding like a parrot
Uncle Bad Touch for ignoring 69th Amendment’s tits
Semen on the Poopdeck for hanging onto a pole like it was a stripper pole
The hash for bringing it down a level
Uncle Bad Touch for doing a stupid jig during the face down ass up song
Two Clump for using Robert’s Rules
He’s A Lesbian and 69th Amendment for some silly shit that I forget

ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Hold the Rimmer will be doing a Philly hash on Lemon Hill soon.
Stinko De Mayo; May 5th near Harrisburg

BIRTHDAY: Just Katie got her side side

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH
“She keeps giving me a drink.” –Just Dayna
“That’s cause she keeps giving you one.” – unk hasher who had a grasp of the obvious

“I tend to watch where I walk cause I almost stepped on an alligator.” – 69th Amendment

“Have you ever had sex with an alligator?” – 69th Amendment
“Do cougars count?”- unk hasher

“See what happens when I make eye contact with you? I missed it.” 69th Amendment
“That happens a lot” – He’s A Lesbian

“…or have a ball gag put in.” Uncle Bad touch

“I would totally go straight for Heinrich Lundquist” – 69th Amendment

“Make sure you save that hash for cash um er hash. FUCK!” Where’s My Vagina (starting early)

“I like to pull balls from the ceiling.”- Just Dayna

“It’s not like I’m getting magic money from nowhere.” – 69th Amendment

“I can’t wait to count the number of dicks I’ll see that weekend.” – Uncle Bad Touch

“What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A pedophile!” – Taco I Barely Know Her

“I couldn’t sleep for like two days, it was like so painful.” – Just Dayna

“Then he’s telling me to look at this guy’s ass..” Semen

“He’s built like a 12 year old gymnast” – Unk bar patron pointing at Two Clump

“I am traumatized” – Just Dayna
“Someone try to scissor you?” – Uncle Bad Touch
“Yarrr, scissor me timbers!” -S&M Man

“I’m going to a party and I’m gonna make sure it looks like a giant cock.” – Uncle Bad Touch

“That’s what I’m imagining your corn on the cob is gonna taste like.” – Just Joanne

“It’s bigger than it looks” – One Inch In, walking into the bathroom

“Wack off? You saw me wack off? You and the rest of the internet.” – Uncle Bad Touch

I always get nervous in North Philly hashes. Chef tried to coerce us a bit, saying that technically this was a Spring Garden hash, even though The Institute lies about a block or so North of Spring Garden. Technically, this is called North Philly. Especially since it lies about a block South of the same projects that produced a cop killer named Wesley Cook. Anyway, I strolled in to find Sternum and Chef nursing a beer and reminiscing with people they didn’t know (granted it takes longer). I regaled them with my stories about how cool the Holyland Hash in Tel Aviv was and how they drove me to Masada in an embassy car, but I don’t think they cared. The rest of the crowd started shuffling in and the manager gave me a smile, cause he knew that it was me they were coming to see to forget about life for a while, na na ni ni nahh, nah nah nah nah…

WHO CHEF COOKED:
Sternum & Rectum, Chef Boy Or Horse, Just Kyle, Just Courtney, Splash Bck, He’s A Lesbian, Just Shannon, Manual Fiesta, Just Lance, Mr. Snuffleuphermuff, Skin Fiddle, Uncle Bad Touch, Taco I Barely Know Her, Rear Engineer, Shop & Fuck, Where’s My Vagina, Flipper Over, Just Katie, Short Distance Rimmer, Hold The Sausage, Tits Of Steel, Gay Matthews Lamb, Scoobie Snatch, Just Amber, Just Eliot, Can You Hear Me Now, Soft Core Analyst. One Inch In, and bringing up the rear…Quart.

Chef started handing out straws and somehow couldn’t force the short and stubby one on anybody, so he had to hare. During this time, Where’s My Vagina took pity on him and decided to help him out and off they went to lay the…

TRAIL
http://www.everytrail.com/view_trip.php?trip_id=1527252
At first we were a little nervous, because it looked like Chef left 90 % of the flower on the ground for the chalk talk and that made us wonder where this would lead. For some reason, some evil bastard decided to adorn the virgins in reflective vests, and Mr Suffleuphermuff decided he would be a nice guy and wore them. Another virgin brought by Splash Back (who has brought more virgins to the hash than almost anyone I know. I say almost, because we all remember who brought 28 virgins at once, don’t we?) decided that she had someplace better to be and raptured herself out of there. So after the chalk talk, we headed off.

The trail went North for about half a block before Chef no doubt realized where he was heading and veered into an alley West, and then we took off, running through a parking lot or two, finding a check at almost every block, as we ran across Broad at Spring Garden. Down we ran towards Westy’s, and the speculation started as to where the beer stop would be. Westy’s? Krupas? Green Room? A parking lot? Then we got discombobulated around 18th & Callowhill, scaring the hell out of a bunch of yuppie-foodies coming out of a trendy restaurant, before we ran South on 18th, past St Peter & Paul’s, then down the Parkway into Love Park. I was shocked to see actual WATER in the fountain there and debated on whether or not to actually run through it, ala the beerly departed Dances With Bum’s Urine. We managed to avoid getting clipped by the skateboard kids.,( I imagine the city just gave up on trying to get rid of them ) and then across JFK and through City Hall, right down the center of South Broad to find a check at Broad and Chestnut. The cry of On On was heard and we headed off East on Chestnut where I heard someone yell, “BEER NEAR!!!” Chef, that bastard, had hidden the BN for McGillans around the corner. We staggered into McGillans and enjoyed a swill or two. GML and Two Clump thought they were playing a trick on Flipper by stealing a beer from her and drinking it, not realizing it was mine. When I told GML it was mine, he blanched. Really? Nice.

This was all very good, but I noticed that the hares were gone, and it was time to get on with this, so I could get home early ( I KNOW!!!!). I headed straight up 12th to get back to the bar, not not noticing that Chef had a SECOND beer stop at the Prohibition Tap Room. I wasn’t the first to be fooled, since Hold The Rimmer had beaten me back to the Institute. On the way, I heard Scoobie making fun of my fat ass running (really, that’s like making fun of a retarded kid for bad spelling, but this IS the guy who’s favorite song is “Donny the Retard”.

Apparently I missed a great conversation that Uncle Bad touch led about how his back skin is thicker than his foreskin, which Tits Of Steel breathlessly reported to me upon arriving for the ….

CIRCLE
HARES: Chef Boy Or Horse / Where’s My Vagina
VIRGINS: Just Kyle and Just Courtney courtesy of Mr. Snuffleuphermuff
Just Lance, courtesy of Manual Fiesta
FIRST IN/ LAST IN: Hold The Sausage / Mr Snuff and his virgins
AUTOHASHERS: Skin Fiddle, Quart, One Inch In
CUMS LATELYS: Skin Fiddle, Sternum & Rectum

ACCUSATIONS:
Just Randy for eating in circle
Two Clump Chump and He’s A Lesbian for GPS watches
Two Clump Chump for changing a clump of flour to an F
Snuff for being a raceist
Shop and Fuck for Shop and fucking
Snuff for trying to knock us all through the floor with his stomping
Flipper Over for forgetting what a Beer Near is
Snuff for his phone
Rimmer “for that”
Soft Core Analist for looking like One Inch In
Scoobie for his blue terry cloth hat
Manual Fiesta for making something
Gay Matthew’s Lamb for stealing Lesbian’s beer
Flipper Over for something, probably squeaking
Snuff for taking the orange vests away from his virgins,
Just Kyle for eating in circle
Shop and Fuck for looking like a Greek Jersey Shore cast member
Just Courtney for eating in circle
Uncle Bad Touch for not fucking up the circle and Just Katie for the “when one asshole with five fingers shoes drinks…” rule

ANNOUNCEMENTS
Apr 14th, Philly Hash in Narbtreth
Apr 17th Philly Phair Weather Hash tax day
Apr 21st Philly hash hosted by Tits
Jun 8th Philly Full Moon Beer Mile
Cousin It’s Tailgate sometime in August, or maybe July, or not at all.
Sad news that Mother Snatcher in San Fran went to that big beer check in the sky.

With that, I actually left the hash before almost anyone else, which shocked the shit out of everyone. I am sure I missed something really cool happening later, but that always happens, “Dude, right after you left, the Eagles cheerleaders came in and blew everyone, even the kid in the Babylon 5 t shirt!”

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH:
“If I gave you a really big hug where I pressed my chest against yours, would you buy me a beer?” Splash Back

“Let me take my pants off. Time to get sexy.” – Uncle Bad Touch.
“Oh, it’s THAT kind of party.” – Two Clump Chump

“Now I’m an inch long” – Two Clump (holding a piece of chalk to his crotch)

“You look like you’re gonna say something inappropriate.” Short Distance Rimmer
“He always does that.” – Hold the Suasage

(and off of notes from Tits of Steel)

…They went to Bettson’s. At least that’s what the hapless guy found out in all those commercials from the 80s. I had gotten a last minute message from Chef that in essence said that he, Uncle Bad Touch and Rimmer would all be absent, and it would be my job to RA, as well as everything else. I won’t speculate where all three would be since it wasn’t kickball or street-hockey season, but let’s just say that Uncle STILL can’t sit down without a donut, and REFUSES to watch “The Human Centipede”, or even talk about it.

I headed out to University City and walked into the Mill Creek Tavern and saw a couple suspiciously matching the description of the people who beat up a parking lot attendant in Olde City last week. Wonderful. I turned on my blinders and the rest of the crew showed up. What follows is yet another Compilation of Tit’s Of Steel’s notes and mine.
(From Tit’s)
Even though it’s technically Spring now, this cold weather spell we’re having (50 degrees instead of 70) scared off some of the newer BFM’ers who forgot what winter is. So the pack was relatively small, but Splashback brought another virgin. Just Katie – our new transplant from Pittsburgh also came out, as well as a visitor from DC, Daddy’s Dick.

WHO DIDN’T GO TO BETTSON’S:
Daddy’s Dick (WHH3), He’s A Lesbian, Attila the Hung, Brave Cock, Just Kristie, Cause For Blindness, Flounder, 3 Balls, Son Of Goatfucker, First Down, Tight Lips, Shop & Fuck, Just Elliot, Major Piece Of Ass, Just Val, Gay Matthews Lamb, Splash Back, Quart, Two Clump Chump, Just Chris, Just Rod, Just Deana, Tits Of Steel, Urine Luck.

TRAIL:

http://www.everytrail.com/view_trip.php?trip_id=1516841

We took off from the dirty old man section of the bar and started off going east on Chester. A bunch of checks kept the pack together pretty well til we got to Woodland and the usual check by the trolley tracks, and the standard left check through the trolley station over to Baltimore. We went north to 40th St up to about Spruce… the FRB’s got hung on a check there until the non typical FRBs figured the hares would take us through the middle of Penn campus to spy on the coeds. And through UPenn we went to 38th St. And through more Penn we went, and back around … under an underpass through the dark underbelly of UPenn truck parking lots, past the class of 1923 rink lower level. A little circle jerking and through a building on the Drexel U. campus where a bunch of Indian women were dancing traditional dances and looking at us like we were crazy… back through Drexel campus down 34th St. to Samson where we saw a BN and the beer near was at the New Deck.

Finally… Beer, sweet beer.

3 Balls remarked, “This bar is too upper class for us”
Atilla said, “They have salty nuts here. You should probably write that down!”
HAL started talking about chicks talking about going for a one night stand for Troy Aiken and a gift basket. (from Lesbian: Wow, talk about not hearing a quote right. How does Tits remember things for her job?) He said he would give them a one night stand and herpes, at which point he said they started looking around nervously, wondering how fast she could get to the nearest cop or law enforcement officer… Umm, faster than you know, honey, he’s right in front of you.

After the beer check we were pretty much on-in. And to be honest, nothing really interesting happened during that long run back to 43rd and Chester. No drug deals. No car chases. No run-ins with anarchists or students. No homeless guys asking us for money. No hookers. No interesting conversation as we were all preoccupied on drinking more beer.

Back at the bar, Son of Goatfucker collected hash cash since nobody knows where Vagina is. We got beers in different varieties and He’s A Lesbian led circle as acting RA for the night. While we were waiting for beers, some folks were stealing sips of beers off other hashers until a conversation about germs came up.

“We’re all friends, if you’re gonna catch something – you probably have it already” – probably our visiting hasher, aptly named Daddy’s Dick

A discussion also centered around the missing Penis in My Ear – who might have torn his ACL doing some “weird sex shit”

Around this time, HAL also asked Quart, “Who’s Fucking this Cat?” to which she didn’t know the answer. He said, “how could you not know that expression?” So a quick survey of the hash turned out that about 85% of us never heard that before, including Cause, and the other 15% had only heard HAL use it and pretended they knew what it meant.

Just Katie admitted she studied anthropology aka “plays with bones”

Finally everyone had a beer and circle could begin.

CIRCLE
Hares: Attila the Hung and Shop N Fuck
1st in: 2 Clump, Last in: Cause
Virgin: Just Deanna, ala Splashback
Cums Latelys: Just Rod, Hot Lips, Attila
HAT: Just Rod
Visitors: Daddy’s Dick – White House/DC

Accusations:
HAL for thinking we knew who fucked the cat
Cause – for changing her hairdo so we would let her make accusations
HAL – for letting Cause make an accusation
3 Balls and Goatfucker – Looking thirsty
1st Down: Looking lonely and thirsty
Shop N Fuck – Food in Circle, and Attila for When One Hare Drinks…
Just Katie – being a transplant
2 Clump – Refusing a free beer
We weren’t that creative and that was the end of accusations

Announcements - you missed the Full Moon. Nobody knew about the Philly hash. Cousin It’s Tailgate Hash. Etc.

It was tall guy night with a competition on who was taller – 3 Balls, Daddy’s Dick or Goatfucker

Overheard at the Hash:

“Once you see a hole in a guy’s crotch, you can’t unsee it. Because it’s eye level for me.” – 2Clump

NOTE: Apparently Tits Of Steel hasn’t quite figured out how to get a log on and password, so she has decided to send me her notes, giving me the opportunity to rebuff some of her comments. So before you go blaming me for this trash, bear in mind that these are her notes.

Who Came –
3 Balls, Bonsai Bush, Cause, Brave Cock, Chernoblow, Cleavage to Beaver, Do Daddy Too, Flipper Over, Fire Down Under, Flounder, Gay Matthews Lamb, He’s A Lesbian, Manual Fiesta, Midnight Tranny (Hare), Mr. Snuffaluffamuff, Miss Piss, Queen of the Sharts, Mama Flea, Just Elliott, Just Amber, Just Amanda, Just Val, Just Dana, Just Becky, Just Kevin, Just Matt, Just Nancy, Just John, Just Allison, Seizure Tits, Scooby Snatch, Homeless Lumberjack, Urine Luck, S&M Man, One Inch In, Two Clump chump, Tits of Steel, Uncle Bad Touch, Tube Cock, Taco? I Hardly Know Her, Splashback, Son of Goatfucker, Short Distance Rimmer, Semen on the Poopdeck, Hold the Sausage, Quart, Chef Boy Or Horse, anyone we’re forgetting?

It was Midnight Tranny’s birthday and a breezy spring night at the Irish pub on 12th and Walnut, so all the freaks came out to hash through the gayborhood. Mama Flea made one of his occasional appearances with a bunch of virgin overachievers in tow. In addition to his virgins, a few others showed up. We stashed our stuff upstairs and headed out for chalk talk, then the pack took off. Once I start running, my small brain starts rattling around from side to side with each footstep and it’s hard for me to remember specific directions so here’s what I remember or managed to deciper from my chickenscratch notes.

TRAIL
After some confusion on which direction to check out, we found trail running down a wide alley, which led into a smaller alley, which led into a skinnier alley and then into an even smaller alley. Kind of like a cartoon chase through a bottleneck. Along the way, Do Daddy Too kept clapping this necklace thingy which made us wanna rename him Clapper Snapper, but since that didn’t even work for Quart, it didn’t fly for him either. We eventually made our way to Washington Square park following the dripping/er clapping noises of FRB Do Daddy Too and annoying the shit out of the very serious, obviously semi-professional Leap Frog players in the park. After the obligatory circle jerk around to a check, we ran north for a while through center city up to around 8th and Market. Then we made our way towards Arch street, sadly no washy-washy checks but a modified Boob Check made the FRB men wait for the lady hashers to continue checking the trail. Running through Chinatown and into the creepy Eraserhood we found a glorious BN mark right by the Trestle Inn. Unlike the last time we tried to have a beer check there and half the pack freaked out and left, this time we actually parked and had a beer. Now let me say that at the beer checks, hashers generally talk about funny stuff, say things they’ll regret, try and fail at flirting miserably, relay ridiculous stories and make fun of other bar patrons. Usually. But this was a really uneventful beer check until one of Mama Flea’s virgins asked me what I was doing. I told her, I was writing notes of how boring the conversation at the beer check was. She then told us about her racist plans to run the Ragnar Relay with her fellow virgins, and how they were using the hash as a training ground. You can’t make this stuff up, folks!

Before leaving to continue setting trail, Tranny said multiple times, STAY ON TRAIL!!! fearing he would end up at a bar on his birthday alone drinking beer in a corner by himself when the whole pack had gone on in. So we actually took off and followed marks for once. Is this the first time the BFM has ever followed directions?

We reluctantly took back off – on trail – through the Eraserhood where David Lynch got much inspiration for his art and films, past the eerie noises of the trainyards and generators, industrial wasteland, etc. and went north to Spring Garden. People speculated we were going to the Institute and they speculated WRONG. Someone, name forgotten shouted out that they got chafing on trail. Overheard:
“Major Chub”
“You can’t be too stiff or you can’t bend it”
“You need to get a Minor Chub”
– Why is this not a hash name? Because we drank more beer and forgot who said it.
“You are insanely receptive”

During this part of the run, while looking for the 2nd beer check, we found out that Brave Cock wasn’t wearing his kilt because it was getting dry cleaned. I guess that’s what happens when you run commando?

We ran by Westy’s and someone even looked inside the door despite an obvious lack of BN sign anywhere nearby. DENIED, we continued to act counterintuitively and follow actual trail until we found it going into a parking garage. And it went up. Tranny had planned a stairmaster workout for us since he was tired at looking at our flabby asses and thighs on trail. And it went up more. Another floor. And another. I swear I can run these steps. On-on. Run-run. Was that just the fucking 8th floor? Are you fucking kidding us? How many more floors? Oh here’s 11. 12. 34. 52. 101. Finally we reached the end…. BN. Fuck, it’s cold up here. And so we earned this beer, 12 floors for a cold brewski on the top of a parking garage, kicking classic beer check style for Tranny’s birthday. We huddled down near the warm car since it was pretty windy up there.

A discussion took place over what is the correct terminology for tight underwear that are like tighty whiteys – nuthuggers or scroat coat. The men determined that “nuthuggers” was the incorrect word and “scroat coat” was much preferable.

Quart then re-enacted the scene from Seinfeld where George Costanza has shrinkage. “It’s Cold!” “I Was In the Pool!”
Gay Matthews Lamb admitted he is confused about what is a question and what’s an answer. Except he’s a lawyer so that might be a problem. Flipper’s ass dented the car. We saw some fine man-on-man action, and then Just Becky summoned us with a vagina.

Just before we finished up our beers and left the parking lot, Muff and Seizure showed up back from their quickie, or feeding the meter, whatever you kids are calling it these days. Luckily there were some beers Tranny was gonna make us drink for them.
And then it was time to walk down 121 or 12 flights of stairs and go back on in. Since I was so focused on my next beer I don’t remember anything that happened in this part of the run.

So we made it back to the Irish Pub, and went up another flight of stairs to reactivate those glutes. Son of Goatfucker took the job of collecting hash cash for the night since we haven’t seen our Vagina lately. After paying up we discussed the creepy picture on the wall and conversation got weird.

HAL asked Just Amanda if she had new shoes. “No Sir” she replied.
HAL said, “Did you just call me sir? I prefer asshole”
“No, asshole, sir” – Just Amanda
Then we started a conversation about how all the women of the hash need to start watching Invictus because apparently hot shirtless men from New Zealand in tight shorts come out and dance (Note to self) and HAL said all the women of the hash would have orgasms just from watching the show. HAL, I hate to break it to you, but if you think those are orgasms, she’s lying to you. (FROM HAL: OK, genius, first of all, I was talking about the Haka, and I said that women would star OVULATING when they saw the dance, not orgasming, I can understand how Tits would not know the difference)

Uncle Bad Touch started circle by saying, “It was on vibrate but I needed to take it out.”

Then it was time for Circle.
Hare: Midnight Tranny to Georgia. Also the Birthday Boy.
Just Becky: food in circle
Virgins: Just Amber, Just Elliott, Just Allison, Just Matt, ???
Visitors: Miss Piss, Just Tara, Queen of Sharts, Just John – Harrisburg Hershey
1st in: Urine Luck aka “Urinetown” … Cause drank for DFL
Autohashers: S&M, 2 Clump, Uncle Bad Touch, Cleavage to Beaver, Semen on the Poopdeack, He’s a Lesbian, Chef
Cums Latelys: Do Daddy Too, Semen on the Poopdeck, Seizer Tits, Kevin (Tranny’s brother), Cleavage

Accusations:
S&M and Cause – something about a snail trail
A bunch of incoherent slurred accusations
Mama Flea for making a joke about running 26 miles to work every day – misinterpreted racism
Just Nancy – getting engaged
S&M for not helping Tube Cock take off Cleavage’s dress?
Do Daddy Too for thinking it was Mardi Gras/Show N Tell for his clapper necklace
Gay Matthews Lamb – worst bike taxi driver ever
Bravecock for admitting his kilt was at the dry cleaners and not wearing it
Chernoblow – tech on trail / rejected since Muff asked her the time
Taco for checking in at every beer check
Just Amanda forgot her name
Lost Control of Circle song, ziggy zaggys
S&M and CLeavage for looking at ass under a microscope
Queen of Sharts for chafing nipples on trail
Goatfucker for looking thirsty
Cause for not knowing what a shart is, after being around a bit
Quart for pointing
S&M – not being able to compete with Justin Bieber now that he’s turned 18/legal
Bonsai – more pointing
Uncle Bad Touch – losing his phone and waking up people
Do Daddy Too – for singing we could be conjugating
Just Amber – looking thirsty
Flipper Over for drinking gin & tonic
Semen on the Poopdeck for wearing a turtleneck
And that was it for accusations

And then it was time for the Midnight Tranny Side-Side.
Unlike 2 Clump, no one dropped him.
Announcements: You missed them all.

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH:
“They’re talking about science!” – unk hasher 1
“No, we’re talking about testacles” – unk hasher 2
“Penis is a vagina” – unk hasher 3
“No that’s Venus” – unk hasher 4
“No, that’s jupiter” – unk hasher 1

“Yo, check your male privilege before you wreck your male privilege” – Just Becky?
“Don’t tase me bro!” – Cause
“I’m not done yet – there’s a hole right here, I gotta fill it in” – Do Daddy Too

“Get out of my fucking vagina!” – Quart

& Tits Of Steel

(AUTHORS NOTE: I noticed that Tits was meticulously scribbling down notes, and we both decided to have a compilation trash. So don’t blame me if this becomes a coherent trash.)

It was that time again, when Philly hashers from all over the Delaware Valley begin descending on our fair city to don green feminine attire. Goodwill stores all over the area began reporting men coming in and trying on green muumuus, (I’m a size 16 if anyone cares), dresses, and in some cases, skirts. NOTE: I would advise getting a dress, because you need some shoulder support when your fat ass’s running-induced gyrations causes gravity to accelerate. Trust me, I ran the GDR in 06 constantly holding my skirt up.

Sadly, I wouldn’t be joining the GDR this year (at least on time) due to work constraints, and the fear of showing up on Sternum & Rectum’s latest YouTube fiasco; “Two Hashers One Beer”. I pulled up in a good mood (Due to seeing S&M man post THIS on his FB) to Bonners to discover that the bar had blocked off all the good parking spots with a ginormous beer trailer, so I was forced to find a parking spot in that lot where Uncle Bad Touch banged that fat chick during prom, and then realized he was related to her. I walked in find that both Mediocre & Stupid, as well as Grab My Handlebars had beaten me inside (A full hour early). Maybe they were used to a different time zone. Anyway, they then both told me that Sternum was at the end of the bar, and dumbass me, I believed them. I should use the excuse that I wasn’t wearing my glasses, but I was too in-shock that they were both nice to me to notice until I got to the guy and realized it was not Sternum. Awkward moment ensued. I like to reminisce with people I don’t know, granted it takes longer…

WHO GOT PRELUBED (In order of appearance): Mediocre & Stupid, Grab My Handlebars, Not In My Hair, Just Matt, He’s A Lesbian, Uncle Bad Touch, Sex Tonight Denied, Short Distance Rimmer, Hold The Sausage, Sly Fox, Brave Cock, Taco I Barely Know Her, Son Of Goatfucker, First Down, Flounder, Cause For Blindness, Just Kneel, Urine Luck, Midnight Tranny To Georgia, Flipper Over, Rear Engineer, Splash Back, Heave Ho, Just Amy, Dirty White Goth Whore (LVH3), Pleasure Slab (LVH3), Skin Fiddle, Tits Of Steel, Just Lisa, Gay Matthews Lamb, Two Clump Chump, Pisscycle, Shave My Pussy, Whiskey Dick, Tube Cock, Bonsai Bush, Punani Pouri, Virgin Pimp, Broke Back baby, and Soft Core Analyst.

Apparently Two Clump Chump decided that, since he did it last year, that it was now tradition that he hare this night’s event. He was apparently late and busy setting up his meandering….

TRAIL:

http://www.everytrail.com/view_trip.php?trip_id=1487152

OK, it shall be said that Two Clump tried to find a scenic trail as well as TO GET US FLIPPIN KILLED! I took one step into the street and damn near got clocked by Soft Core Analyst on a bicycle, (At least that’s what he told me later). We ran into the school yard on Sampson past two inner city men who were doing Thai Chi in the middle of the playground (at night), and back up 22nd St, then back down Market past that lovely X-rated theatre, then down that ramp onto the Schuylkill River running trail.

While heading down, we saw that someone had hash-crashed into a female who was down for the count. I have a wonderful picture of Heave Ho (who took time off from constantly talking with Just Amy) standing over her with that jaded-nurse look that says, “Eh, she’s not shot, she’ll live. Otherwise, she better have insurance”. No one could give me a straight answer but I could have sworn that I overheard this convo:
WOMAN: “Help me, I got raped and mugged!”
UNK HASHER IN WHITE TOP (Possibly Gay Matthews Lamb): “Gee that’s too bad. Hey, we’ll be at Bonners later if you want to stop by for a beer.” (For the record, I was wearing a green top.)

On we ran, back up the stairs to the South Street Bridge, where we did our best to avoid colliding with pedestrians and up over a brightly-lit soccer field (Yes, Goatfucker, I know it’s called football), where Two Clump waived at us furiously, while one of the visitors SPRINTED away. In the parking lot there, Two Clump had pulled his echo-friendly car up and served us shots from a jug, which tasted suspiciously like something he had been using to fuel his car. Some poor Univ of Penn cop rode by on his bike, saw us, and just rode away shaking his head sadly.

Off the trail led, around Franklin Field where one hasher thought he saw marks (only to realize they were markings on a baseball field), across a really cool lit bridge, and then around and over the Grays Ferry Bridge and into Grays Ferry. The pucker factor went up on all of us when we stopped at a vacant lot (where there have been three homicides in the past couple years) for a beer stop. Now, I know we have our version of Urban Shiggy, but could someone explain the logic of having a bunch of people stop in the middle of the most racially divisive neighborhood in the city to drink beer out of the back of a car? Even Chef Boy Or Horse looked at me and said, “We are gonna die.”

We slammed beers and Rear led the pack off saying, “Fuck this, I’m outta here.” We then ran for our lives, down Grays Ferry Ave, past an Escalade with chromed out rims and spinners and a driver who yelled to Splashback, “Yo, baby, you should work for me! I treats you REAL good!” I huffed and puffed behind Rear et al down Washington and up 24th St. Upon seeing a harried yuppie walking her three yappy dogs, I felt safer and we staggered in to Bonners and in the tiniest room we had our…

CIRCLE:
HARE: Two Clump Chump
VIRGIN: Just Matt, Not In My Hare made him come
VISITORS: Dirty White Goth Whore and Pleasure Slab from Lehigh Valley H3 who regaled us with this joke
Q: “Why wasn’t the pirate allowed in the movie?”
A: “It was rated Aaaarrrgggh”
(Although the Sandusky joke they told about boys’ pants being half-off was better)
and Broke Back Baby from Boston H3’s bit of humor:
“A white guy, a black guy, and a priest walked into a bar which was unusual since they should have seen it”
CUMS LATELYS: Grab My Handlebars, Mediocre & Stupid, Not In My Hair, Urine Luck, Heave Ho, Just Amy and He’s A Lesbian
AUTOHASHERS: Mediocre & Stupid, Tube Cock, Virgin Pimp, Punani Pouri, Bonsai Bush
FIRST IN/ LAST IN: Someone / Cause For Blindness

ACCUSATIONS:
Sly Fox for Hash crash before trail started
Flipper Over for not understanding Doggie Style
Not In My Hair for not preparing his virgin and Uncle Bad Touch under the “when one asshole wearing five fingers drinks…” rule
Not In My Hair for Racist behavior
Splash Back for not understanding what we mean by “racist”
He’s A Lesbian for fucking up Splash Back’s name and Tits of Steel under the “when one On-Sec drinks…” rule
Grab My Handlebars for requiring Cause to help her sing
Uncle Bad Touch for fucking up the circle
Urine Luck for best Jersey Shore Impression
Bonsai Bush for being at Bonners and not—

With that, some of us had to head in to work early, and some just headed in…

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH
“I’ve got a serious question for you…” -Grab My Handlebars
“It’s two inches long” – He’s A Lesbian

“My one weakness is pickles” – Uncle Bad Touch

“Living in Portland is like living in Manayunk but not quite” – Grab My Handlebars
“I totally know” – Mediocre & Stupid

“It’s the wrong hard bicep, there’s nothing to it”- Sausage

“Wow, it’s basketball, who the fuck cares?” – Uncle Bad Touch

“I’m gonna jerk off into my shampoo, it just adds to the shampoo”- nerd hasher 1
“You need the amino peptide complex” – nerd hasher 2

“I just sat in gum!” – Poonany Pouri
“Did you just take your sac out?!?!?!” – Bravecock
“I wasn’t on trail so I had to make up for it” – Poonany Pouri

“Is it just me or does my dick look big?” – unk hasher

“It’s not a party til someone’s balls are on the table”- Poonanny Pouri (On a roll, sadly he was, and no one touched it later)

“If you’re gonna try the “naked man” move, don’t lead with anal” – unk hasher

“These are my cat strangling shoes, you can tell from all the holes” – unk hasher.

It was really like that hope and change moment back in 2009, when Obama raised his right hand and promised to end the war in Iraq and tax the living shit out of Osama Bin Laden. Or maybe he didn’t, I really wasn’t paying attention to his platforms, I just loved how he beat Hillary Clinton, who Sloppy Ho supported by wearing Vote For Hillary at every Hash. Oh and did anyone else notice how she jumped on the bandwagon for him to beat John McCain? Much like an Eagles fan rooting for the Giants last Superbowl. But I digress….

So, we had a new mismanagement, and a bunch of us showed up at the lovely Triangle Tavern to see how badly they would screw up something so simple as a hash. Much like Obama, Chef Boy or Horse had made a meteoric rise from being Just Victor barely a year ago to our new GM. Seriously, the parallels are uncanny. The BFM showed the rest of the hashing world how progressive we are by electing an actual beer snob as our GM. Maybe our relationship with Portland might improve now…

As for watching them screw it up, we wouldn’t be disappointed. It’s best not to raise your expectations. Hey, it’s like my old dating policy at nightclubs, Go Ugly Early. Or like I tell any potential girlfriend that I am only 2” long, and when she finally lifts my naked fat up, sees me in all my glory, and realizes it’s 3, she’s pleasantly surprised (and doesn’t go blind). So, I drove my chick magnet self in to find a wonderful parking spot near where Uncle Bad Touch got blown by that tranny in the bushes in the Acme parking lot, and schlepped in.

WHO ATTENDED THE INAUGURAL:
Chef Boy Or Horse, Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, Punani Pouri, Just Becky, Flounder, Cause For Blindness, Rear Engineer, Flipper Over, Manual Fiesta, Just Kevin, Uncle Bad Touch, Quart, Taco I Barely Know Her, Bravecock, Son Of A Goatfucker, Midnight Tranny To Georgia, Shop & Fuck, Sly Fox, Just Neil, Splash Back, Just Rod, Just Elizabeth, Tits of Steel, Where’s My Vagina, Two Clump Chump, He’s A Lesbian, Soft Core Analist, Just Val, Just Dayna, Just Melissa, Just Kathy, and the 69th Amendment

The straws were drawn, and Midnight Tranny found the shortest one, and off he went to lay…

TRAIL:

Click on the link above, trust me.

Believe it or not, I actually ran trail this time. Shocking, yes, I know. We all ran out, past the weird guy dressed as a huge Rita’s Water Ice cup, making yet another person scream as we ran off down Reed Street, then South a bit, East a bit more and down that little street where the only lights found on the Festival of Lights were still on, and where the rabbits were, reminding me of Mice And Men (George says I can play with the rabbits, I can hug them and squeeze them, and play with them), and on down East some more under I 95, near where the BEST BAR EVER FOR A BEER CHECK IS (the one strip club where they serve cheap Pabst and the girls dance on the bars and show us their C Section scars and track marks, magic). I was still cracking up, watching Shop & Fuck who ran the entire thing with his hands in his pockets. He continued to practice his pocket pool then back North a bit before doing a quick beer stop at the little Irish pub at 2nd & Reed. You could tell it was an Irish bar because a bunch of guys were wearing shirts supporting IRA members like Bobby Sands were playing darts, an historically English game. Anyone else see the irony there? It would be like watching neo Nazis eating lox and Matzo balls. So after a min or two, we swilled some beer and I decided to head straight down Reed to the Triangle Tavern, where we would soon have…

CIRCLE:
HARE: Midnight Tranny To Georgia
VIRGINS: Just Becky (Uncle Bad Touch made her come), Just Elizabeth, Just Melissa, Just Kathy (Splash Back made them all come), and Just Cindy (“That one” made her come)
First In/Last In: He’s A Lesbian / Uncle Bad Touch
Auto Hashers: Flipper Over, 69th Amendment, and Taco I Barely Know Her,

ACCUSATIONS:
Shop & Fuck for stopping at Rita’s to get his cone dipped,
Midnight Tranny: For finding more light on trail than during the festival of lights,
Flipper Over: For forgetting her white underwear
Flipper Over: For looking Racist
Flipper Over: For pointing in circle while she slurred, “You’re just trying to get me drunk”
Midnight Tranny: For being mistaken for the Geico caveman
Urine Luck: For doing the electric slide somewhere
He’s A Lesbian: for falsely accusing Shop & Fuck for playing pocket pool on trail
Flipper Over: For reaching notes that only dogs can hear
Where’s My Vagina: For reading his mind
Chef Boy Or Horse: For overachieving and posting the bar really early in the week.

BIRTHDAY SIDE SIDE: Where’s My Vagina (oh and in case you want to know, the backs of her knees are REALLY sensitive)

ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Philly Full Moon’s Vagina Orange day at Wooly Mammoth’s. You missed it, it was so eh, fun.
GREEN DRESS WEEKEND: Mar 15-18, Start doing your thing!

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH
“I think everyone came to watch the new RA’s fuck up” – Taco

“I was showing my thong ass” – Where’s My Vagina

“Why did it take 4 guys to hold up Where’s My Vagina?” – Just Becky
“We were GROPING her, not holding her up!” – Uncle Bad Touch

“I’m talking on a different octave.” – Flipper Over

“You had my supple ass and you didn’t do anything?” – Uncle Bad Touch

Remember when the history channel had actual shows about history on it, rather than shows about people who rebuild broken things, chop down trees, live with their cousins in swamps, own a pawn shop, and my personal favorite, two glorified dumpster divers who drive around the country and try to buy things like oil cans from hoarders.

Truth be told, I like “Pawn Stars” better than “American Pickers” mainly because the main character looks more like me than that picture in Callahan’s does. But, sadly, whenever I try to clean my house, or getting to the hash on time, I make the mistake of turning on the TV and sit mesmerized because that silly show is on. So, my excuse this time for not going into Manayunk and running up and down those damn hills in the cold was because I was watching two yokels try to con a shut in out of his Ortlieb Beer sign. But eventually, I did drag myself out there and when I parked in the garage next to (Live with it, Uncle, there’s a point to this!) I was dumbfounded to see a 48-star American flag hanging from the wall. The building used to be the home of an American legion lodge that sadly went under, and left a bunch of memorabilia inside. Pretty cool history lesson there. But the bar was chosen, not for the history around the corner but for the fact that EVERY beer is $2 a pint, Guinness included. I see a new hash home.

YUNKERS:
Hold The Sausage, Rear Engineer, Brave Cock, Gay Matthews Lamb, Flipper Over, He’s A Lesbian, Just Kaitlin, Just Karla, Just Keith, Short Distance Rimmer, Uncle Bad Touch, Tits Of Steel, Chef Boy Or Horse, Just Peter, Shop & Fuck, Soft Core Analist, and Taco I Barely Know Her.

TRAIL
Tits one again volunteered to be hare, or just has a predilection for picking a short straw, and decided to lead the merry little pack up and down the hills, with a beer stop, according to Tits, at an abandoned burned out Carmelo’s on the island near Manayunk. I checked and it sounded suspiciously like the site of the old Arroyo Grill where 11 years ago a bunch of us threw rotten tomatoes at a billboard sign of Ira Einhorn. Anyway, apparently there were some pot heads nearby who pissed off everyone at the beer check by not coming over to share, but I digress. One of these days, I might actually have to run and enjoy the trail. Or at least the faces of “normal” people when they saw the mask that Shop & Fuck was wearing. Holy shit was that thing creepy.

CIRCLE:
HARE: Tits Of Steel
FIRST IN / LAST IN: Gay Matthews Lamb / Uncle Bad Touch
VIRGIN: Just Kaitlin, Uncle Bad Touch made her come (We checked her ID, shockingly she’s over 21)
Auto Hashers: He’s A Lesbian, Chef Boy Or Horse

ACCUSATIONS:
Short Distance Rimmer for fucking up the circle
Just Keith for race-ist behavior at the end
Hold The Sausage for a raceist shirt and Tits Of Steel under the “when one GM drinks” rule
Shop & Fuck for his mask
Flipper Over for not squeaking
He’s A Lesbian for hating women. (I don’t hate women, I just think they should drink from a separate water fountain)
Shop & Fuck for taking away Uncle Bad Touch’s job of making children cry and then Uncle Bad Touch under the “When one asshole with five fingers shoes drinks..” rule
Flipper for doing yoga on trail
Tits for pointing and not with her boobs and Hold the Sausage under the “When one GM drinks..” rule
Flipper for alcohol abuse
Hold The Rimmer for having his high-beams on
Chef Boy Or Horse for being our token
Uncle Bad Touch for being an asshole and Shop and Fuck under the “when one asshole with five fingers…” rule
Brave Cock for having a porn stache
Rear Engineer for looking thirsty

ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Philly hash at Krupas, you missed it, it was fun
Do Shots Don’t Get Shot on the 27th of Jan

NAMING
Apparently at last weeks hash in olde city, Just Carla told a story about comparing vagina flaps with her friends that made Uncle Bad Touch go apoplectic, and start bouncing up and down, so we reopened the circle and she was brought out for a naming, finally. During her waterboarding, we learned that she is a two pump chump and you blow it in and she’s done, to which she replied, “Saskia! That Bitch!” Apparently Uncle Bad Touch was right about why he almost broke his wrist last week, she DID have a party with her girlfriends where they judged each other’s anatomy (who had the bests breasts, biggest nipples, train wreck downstairs) and apparently she had the worst roast beef curtains. Other non-important items gleaned were that plantains were her favorite fruit (bananas weren’t good enough) Her most embarrassing sexual moment was when she queefed and farted at the same time, coining a new phrase, “Quarted”

Suggestions for a naming included, Where It Like A Hat, Farts On Top, Quarts On Top, Beef Curtains, Choreeza Curtains, Flapper Snapper, Blowing in the Wind, Blow Me In The Wind, Roast Beef Cowgirl, Bay Of Pigs, Bay Of Roast Beef, Not Kosher, and Quart. This last one had everyone lose their mind laughing and she will now forever be known as Quart, welcome, YFF.

NAMING # 2
We were on a roll now, so Just Peter was then drug in and Gitmoed into spilling the following beans:
He worked for Geico, he drives a Ford Fiesta, went to Penn State, one time, put Gold Bond on his junk, Sexual preference is male women, yada yada yada

Suggestions were; Lizard licker, Burning Lizard, Running From Sandusky, Lizard Fucker, Manual Fiesta, Brown Eye the Sailor Man, Fiesta Lizard Fuck, Sandusky’s Kid, Jerry’s Kid, votes were taken and he will forever be known as Manual Fiesta. Welcome, YFF

With that, the hash meandered out into the cold…

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH

“Your face tastes like shit” Just Karla

“Just Carla with a fucking C, you dickhead!” – Just Carla, reading over my shoulder

“fucking lizards makes his hands look huge” – unk hasher

ON Queefing:
“It’s like your vagina’s talking” Tits of Steel
“It’s a horrible name, but if we market it right…”- unk hasher

“I think queefing is great” – Quart
“You’re right, it’s like special sex” – Tits
“It sounds good coming in going out” Quart

“One of my bests friends queefs on command, it sounds like “pffffft”” –unk hasher

“When I was 25 I came in second place in a booty shaking contest.” – hasher #1 (assumed Quart)
“Not a queefing contest?” Hasher #2

“A guy would be more likely to fuck a dog in the ass. Trust me, I looked this up.” – unk hasher, assumed TOS

“Most girls would not fuck dogs but they might put peanut butter in their vagina”- I give up

Well, I hadn’t been at the hash in a real long time, and finally had some time to go there. Since I was lazy, I figured I’d continue uphold my New years Resolution to do my Skin Fiddle impression and autohash. I schlepped into Cherry Street in the hopes of swilling some Smithwicks (pronounced Smeticks here, and spelled Kilkenny in Europe) or a nice pint of brown creamy goodness (Guinness). Sadly, there was none. When did this shit happen? I won’t tell you how easy it was to find a parking spot anymore, since Uncle Bad Touch kept bitching about it. Suffice to say, I wonder if PA regards Turrets’ Syndrome as a handicap, and who hasn’t driven with turrets’?

ANYWAY, inside, I found that Up Her Ali had a mild crisis at home that required her immediate attention and thrust into my hands a familiar Write In The Rain notebook, demanding I return it to her. Um, didn’t I LOAN this to you, Ali? You’ll get it back when I finally get a girlfriend. Yep, start looking for a new one. Sadly, there were NO virgins at the Cherry Street Tavern, SACRILEDGE!

WHO LOST THEIR CHERRIES PREVIOUSLY:
Up Her Ali, Midnight Tranny To Georgia, Chernoblow, 3 Balls, Rear Engineer, Two Clump Chump, Taco I Barely Know Her, Penis In My Ear, Uncle Bad Touch, Son Of A Goatfucker, One Inch In, Tits Of Steel, Where’s My Vagina, Chef Boy Or Horse, He’s A Lesbian, Just Peter, Shop & Fuck, Soft Core Analist, 69th Amendment, and Gay Matthews Lamb

For whatever reason, Two Clump had a New Years Resolution not to hare anymore, so Tits Of Steel announced she was doing her impression of Two Clump and volunteered to hare. So, away she went and laid a..

TRAIL:
Apparently, according to Ali’s Notes, the trail meandered all over center city, past Maces crossing, near a tree, where Chernoblow kissed it, around City Hall, before ending up at McGillans for a beer stop. It then wound it’s way back to Cherry Street. Everyone came inside, where One Inch In led a raucous….

CIRCLE:
HARE: Tits Of Steel
FIRST IN / LAST IN: One Inch In forgot this (It was Rear/ 69th Amendment
CUMS LATELIES: He’s A Lesbian, Soft Core Analist, Uncle Bad Touch, Gay Matthews Lamb
AUTOHASHERS: He’s A Lesbian, Two Clump Chump

ACCUSATIONS:
One Inch In for forgetting First In/Last In
Shop & Fuck: Self Accusation (Can you DO that?)
Rear Engineer for using a rusty spoon
Son Of A Goatfucker for looking thirsty as usual
Chernoblow for attacking a tree with her face
Chernoblow and Chef Boy Or Horse for matchy matchy
Soft Core Analist for forgetting something or other
Penis In My Ear for being in North Philly without a knife or gun and Shop & Fuck and Uncle Bad Touch under the when one idiot with five finger shoes drinks rule
Son Of A Goatfucker for NOT stepping on a crack to break his mother’s back
Uncle Bad Touch for not enjoying 69th Amendment’s tits
Just Peter for looking thirsty
Where’s My Vagina for being something or other
Chef Boy Or Horse for dressing like a giant health bar
Soft Core Analist for not maintaining drinking skills
He’s A Lesbian for not hearing slow down

ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Sat Kenwood Park (you missed it)
Full Moon Do Shots Don’t Get Shot on Friday the 27th of Jan
BFM AGM Feb 16th Yards brewery

And with that, the hash wandered into the night…

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH:

“We’re not talking about drinking with 17 year olds.” – Two Clump
“I thought that was your thing.”- Uncle Bad Touch

“She’s practicing positions” – unk hasher

“Did you just call him ‘gloryhole’?” – Rear Engineer

“When you see enough penises, you think, hey, a dick’s a dick’s a dick” – unk hasher (guess who)

“She laid a false trail in front of a bar. What a cunt!” – unk hasher (well, almost everyone said that)

“We have to start writing down things at the hash that people say.” – Tits Of Steel (on the way to announce the Bin Laden killing)

“Lesbian, you know what’s a great idea? A Dick ta phone”- guess

“You just made three penises wilt. Mine is now up my ass.” – Gay Matthews Lamb

“I’m trying to perfect my legacy, that’s why abortion clinics have raised their prices” – unk hasher

“One is enough” – unk hasher
“I thought eight is enough?” – Two Clump Chump

“My boobs are oscillating” – Unk female hasher (Assumed TOS)

“Nailing a roommate is bad, but nailing an ex-roomate is good because you can always block them on Facebook.” – Tits of Steel
“Pink and puffy was your roommate?” – He’s A Lesbian

“I tell that to every girl I’m seeing that I have an open relationship. Hey don’t write that down” – Gay Matthews Lamb

“Seriously, don’t write that down.” – Gay Matthews Lamb

“She’s sending you signals by spreading her legs.”- Two Clump Chump
“Actually, I’m doing a wall-sit.” – Tits Of Steel

OK, It was SUPPOSED to be a run through South Philly and look at all the pretty streetlights, and for years, that’s just what it was. And then, sadly, our own little ginger Ninja (so christened by the blokes from 4th Para, remember them?) Little Red Riding Wood, stopped showing up, due in part to actually getting a life, unlike the rest of us gluttons of beer and running, or just singing raunchy songs in a dive bar. OK, now how many movie references will I have in this trash?