BFM #414 – What! Are you new??

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By Up Her Ali January 31, 2012

It was one of those nights. You are excited to hash but it’s been raining all day. It’s also cold. The choice between the hash and staying home with a bad movie and spanking it; is a hard one. (You betcha, I said hard!) However, you muster the courage to get off the couch and burn off some steam from another day of your pointless job and pointless existence.

Luckily, we were at a NEW BAR! Chef Boy or Horse hooked us up with Tabu Sports Bar in the Gayborhood. I think the fancy name for the neighborhood is Washington Square West. In this area, it’s actually is really hard to find a bar who won’t fleece your paycheck or who can deal with the hash’s chicanery. It was nice to be back in the hood!

Tabu was a great place for the hash. Three floors! Good beer! Great food! Gays! Really Gay Karaoke! Entertaining stickers – like Lionshead, “the best head you can ever get.”

Since it is a gay bar, it was decided that only the men should check in on Foursquare. (-:

Also, many stiff jokes were made. Yes, we said stiff!

A new fantastic name for a new victim was also created. “Takes it up the Ass like a Man in a Gay Bar” If you haven’t been named, watch out!

The brave souls who showed up for the cold and rainy: Flip Her Over, Taco? I Hardly Know Her? Punany Puri, Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, Atiila the Hung, Up Her Ali, Just Matt, Son of Goat Fucker, Do Daddy, Tits of Steel, Brave Cock, Uncle Bad Touch, Shop N Fuck, Where’s My Vagina, Just Carla, Shop n Fuck, and many more!

Trail

Well, we had a virgin hare, Shop n Fuck. He had scoped the trail out earlier, but with the rain, he was worried the chalk had all been washed away. So, he also had the trail in flour. He also promised us not one, but two beer checks!

Pros: TWO beer checks!
Cons: Virgin hare means we may never find them!

Eventually, the GM took us outside around the back in the rain. (She does love the torture!) We learned about the marks and went on our way.

But!!

We were check hung around Tabu but at least 20 minutes. The rain did its duty and we couldn’t find a damn thing. Truly amazing we just didn’t go on in.

We did get to witness an epic bus accident though. A car tried to go around a Septa bus and take a right from the left lane. That didn’t work out that well for the car. The heckling from the neighbors was equally amusing.

Eventually, trail was found and we headed down Walnut Street and then down Locust Street.

Now remember its wet, cold, raining, and no one can find trail. Crankiness abounded!

We went through Washington Square West past the eternal flame. The S&M man and I had a fun time making up our own words to the Eternal Flame song, hash style. New hash song maybe?

The pack then went across the street to the park behind Independence Hall. Another clue our hare was new. He missed the epic day where someone went to jail for setting white flour in a historical area. No one got arrested this time and we continued downtown towards a beer check, hopefully!?

The trail went all the way down to Front Street and we were all sure that the beer check was at Drinkers. Well! No! We kept running like Forest Gump for another spell. Finally we came up across the alley that led to Paddy’s. Beer awaited!!

In the bar, I ran into Broken Rod’s brother. What are the odds? Like the odds of a virgin puking at DSDGS. (bank shot extra credit)

After warming up our bellies with beer, we went back on trail in search of beer check #2.

Well, beer check #2 wasn’t back toward the bar as we were hoping. We ran across Franklin Square and towards the Northern Liberties. When we crossed Spring Garden Street, I thought there was going to be a riot. We came across a new mark, a BCBN, a back check, beer near. Which means you run back to the nearest bar… This was another sign that our hare was new!

The nearest bar was TJ McGillicuddy’s. We were served by our hare with more beer! (Bribery works, it really does!) The bar was full of chicks that had to be porn stars and their pimp daddies. (and randos!)

We finished our beers and went ON IN. Though the ghetto! Through the Chinatown! Through the Convention Center!

Eventually, the pack was back at the bar and headed straight to their dry bags, which were located in the basement. We were joined by many autohashers, the smart people who didn’t risk pneumonia for beer.

Also in the basement were many, many yards of bad beer with their taps. This was a happy, happy night!!

Circle

Now getting more lubed up, the pack gathered for circle.

We had a guest RA, Short Distance Rimmer, since none of the RAs could make the hash. He might have just wanted to get drunk since the natives are usually restless and looking for a victim for their ire.

Hare: Shop N Fuck

Visitors: None (word has gotten out)

Virgins -I think we still had two.

Autohashers: Two Clump Chump, Short Distance Rimmer, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Hold the Sausage, Tube Cock, Bonzai Bush, Cleavage to Beaver , Uncle Bad Touch, Semen on the Poop Deck

First In and Last In: Flip Her Over, Just Val, Just Dana

Long Time No Seers – Cleavage to Beaver, Midnight Tranny, Puni, S&M Man, Just Matt, Semen on the Poop Deck

Accusations:

Shop N Fuck – For being a new hare

Semen on the Poop Deck – Something gay bar related

Uncle Bad Touch – For being himself

Where My Vagina – Beat by a lesbian

2 Daddy Do – Wrong hairstyle, ponytail versus pigtails

Flip Her Over – For roofie laden beer

Taco – Checking in at the beer check

He’s a Lesbian – For putting roofies in drinks

Bad Touch – For stalling

Tranny – Well – it’s a gay bar

Shop N Fuck – For the Porn Stars

Goat Fucker – Thirsty (Yep!)

S&M Man – For badly impersonating Scooby Snatch

Chef Boy or Horse – For untouchable hot guys at gay bar

Announcements:

Do Shots, Don’t Get Shot – Just happened

Green Dress Weekend – March 15-18th – it will be epic!!

BFM AGM – February 16th! Go!

Tits Haring Philly Hash – February 4th in Manayunk

He’s a Lesbian Haring Philly Hash – February 18th

Cousin It Phillies Tailgate – In the summer! Maybe!

The circle was closed upon the worst fart we had ever smelled in our puny existences.

In my little corner of the bar, I was sure it was Semen on the Poop Deck. He seemed like a good guy to blame.

I got the secrets of setting a virgin trail from Shop N Fuck. (And why having children is a good or bad idea from Shop N Fuck and Taco)

From there, the hashers finished the beer yards. Some ate, some futilely hit on other hashers, some were better at it than others, some more interested than others. I think I ran into a hasher they call Scooby Snatch. (It might have been a dream, who knows.)

Despite the miserable weather, we were all were glad we put of the spanking it until later in the evening.

Until next time, on, on,

UHA

Overheard at the hash:

“I’m not THAT disgusting” Female Hashers

“You can be my date to… Male in Bar
“What?” Female in Bar
“It’s just brunch!?” Male in Bar

“It’s not really much like a gay bar!” Male Hasher
“Did you see the Karaoke?” Female Hasher

categories Trash

BFM #412 – Creep-tastic!!

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By Up Her Ali

There is this thing called winter. You might have heard of it? It’s when it’s cold and you are sure the population of Philly has gown down by at least 50%. When your balls literally freeze off and the conversations turn to the merits of having a fleece dick sock on trail. (You have to protect the jewels, you just have to!)

Well… this year, Mother Nature is confused? I guess this winter really starts in February? Let’s see what the Groundhog tells us. He is more accurate than the weather forecast or 100% of political commentary.

So, on this fine night in January, the temperature was again well over freezing. So, old snow + temps over freezing = fog. (Math is hard!)

My attempt to get to the hash as late as possible was foiled by leaving my house WAY too early to walk over the hash to enjoy the unseasonable weather. I was VERY happy being back at one of my favorite Philly bars, The Irish Pol. It’s the perfect combination of dive bar and beer snob bar. It’s also in Old City. The rest of bars in Old City can be full of pretentious douche bags from Jersey. It was nice to be safe for at least one night.

I walk in and the straws are being passed out by Hold the Sausage. (Note: This is WAY too early to come to the hash.) She looked particularly happy passing out the straws (I think she loves watching others suffer.) My hands were full with my bag, iPhone, your mom, so I asked Two Clump Chump to pick a straw for me. Well, he picked the short straw for me. (Probably on purpose!) So, I was haring. Hold the Sausage felt bad about my fate and was probably concerned that I may get lost in the fog alone and confiscate the flour; joined me for the sojourn. Eventually, after plotting how to save the world one hash mark at a time, we were off.

Back at the Ranch, the other wankers were gathered. They were all breathing a sigh of relief that they were off the hook and enjoying the fabulous microbrew. This evening’s suckers included: Two Clump Chump, Hold The Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, Flip Her Over, He’s a Lesbian, Attila the Hung, S&M Man, Taco? I Hardly Know Her, One Inch In, Soft Core Anal-ist, Chef Boy or Horse, Uncle Bad Touch, Son of Goat Fucker, Can You Hear Me Now, many Virgins who may never come back and others that I forgot to write down because I suck. (You are done with me in a couple of weeks! Forever! Ever!)

Trail

I would like to recount the trail as a pack member, but alas, I cannot. However, a lot of people got lost, so I feel like we did our job. I also think we lost 100% of our virgins, which is really overachieving when setting trail!

The trail went through the many streets and alleys in Old City. We tried to be tricky because being pants-ed by Two Clump is embarrassing.

Then, we ran on the Columbus Boulevard, or if you aren’t into who really didn’t discover the New World, Delaware Avenue.

It was absolutely creep-tastic! Fog and mayhem! You couldn’t see more than 10 feet in front of you! Woot! A hares dream!

We continued to venture down the CB/DA passed Penns Landing. You know the tourist attraction of buses, concrete and the great view of Camden, NJ. (The second most dangerous city in the USA) We went to the high ground which offered a really cool view of the Penns Landing Ice Rink. From there, more of DE Avenue – across DE Avenue, – then to South Street – then a beloved Beer Check at Manny Browns. At the beer check, Hold the Sausage and I proved that our psychic ability was in tact when we knew to order exactly 15 beers.

From there, it was ON-IN with at least a playground on the way.

Circle

Back at the bar, we were ushered upstairs to be reunited with our bags. We were joined by some auto hashers who stayed for the beer and stayed away from creep-tastic.

Beer was procured, the hash was recounted, hashers rejoiced as the cans of the Miller High Life were passed out. (Champagne, bitches!)

Rear Engineer started the circle. All I can say, is sometimes you have it, sometimes you don’t. Sir Rear Engineer was ON that night. A fun circle was in store for all!

Hares:
Up Her Ali and Hold the Sausage

Virgins:
Just Randy – Penis in My Ear made him cum
Just Troy – Just Randy made him cum
Just Alison – Just Troy mad her cum
Just Dana – Someone made her cum (can’t read my damn writing)

First In and Last In:
Attila the Hung, Gay Mathews Lambs, S&M Man

Cums Lately:
Flip Her Over, Can You Hear Me Now?

Autohahers:
Taco, I Hardly Know Her, He’s a Lesbian, One Inch In, S&M Man

Accusations:
Attila the Hung – Stopped the bartender from pouring beer for the hasher for his food – This is a simpe equation BEER > FOOD

Gay Mathews Lamb – For spilling beer

Two Clump Chump – For not already having five accusations already

Taco – For his job getting in the way of trail – aka, something about predators
Another simple equation HASH > WORK

Uncle Bad Touch – Putting his hand in garbage can (Very Clifford of you!)

Virgins – For being a human centipede

Flip Her Over – For something wrong and S&M Man drank for it

Gay Mathews Lamb – Racist behavior

Two Clump – Size related accusation

Son of Goat Fucker – Thirsty (per usual!)

Then Autohashers showed up, Just Carla and Her Lady Friend, Just Saskia?

Announcements:

Do Shots, Don’t Get Shot – It just happened, you probably don’t remember it!

BFM AGM – February 16th at Yards Brewery, it will be epic, go!!

Birthday:

It was He’s a Lesbian birthday. The RA called for all hands on deck and ALL of the ladies lifted him. No one died and only some man junk was accidentally touched. (And he liked it! He is a Mikey!)

From there, circle was closed. Some of the pack disbursed and some stayed to drink more beers. From what I can remember, many of the male hashers scoped out the new female that Just Carla brought to the hash. It IS the Year of the Sausage Fest! We ate food, drank more beer, and then went out into the good night.

Until next time, if there IS a next time.

UHA

Overheard at the hash:
“We need Carriers”
“ We’re all Carriers”

categories Trash

BFM #398 – Flour, Beer, Blood, and Parked Cars, Oh My!

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By Up Her Ali October 20, 2011

It was a beautiful Fall night in Philly with crisp air, partly cloudy skies, and angry people. The hash was going to a Manarox regular, T. Hogan’s; notable for its general awesome dive bar-ness and some of the best fried goodness in the area. (The wings are pretty damn good and this is coming from a Buffalo native.)

The Manarox pack was as big as I could ever remember. It’s almost like once you go Manarox, you don’t go back. I guess it’s the big hills, but I heard that size doesn’t really matter.

Some of the folks who showed up for bloody, hilly fun: Flipper Over, He’s a Lesbian, Two Clump Chump, Hold the Sausage, Can You Hear Me Now, Short Distance Rimmer, Chef Boy or Horse, Tube Cock, Bonzai Bush, Jubal, Up Her Ali, Tits of Steel, Semen on the Poop Deck, Just Danielle, Just Brad, Jizhell, Piss Cycle, One Inch In, Bumble Beaver, and a cast of thousands. (I’m just tired of typing)

Trail

The lucky winners of haring this week were Semen on the Poop Deck and Tits of Steel. A few minutes later, the pack assembled for the chalk talk after a reasonably generous head start to the hares. We were introduced to the marks by our honorable RA. One included a Beer with a check mark. The entire pack was befuddled. Is that Beer Check or Book Check or Both? In a disoriented state, the pack was off.

Being hashers and BFM hashers at that, the pack was immediately check hung at the Wissy Train Station. We checked out the station and couldn’t find marks. So, back to the bar? Nope! The pack was off the check hang a block to the West. Still nothing! Finally someone called on-on back towards the train station. After running through the train station a second time, the pack went up the hill near Hogan’s.

This entire circle jerk of death took about 15 minutes. So, we could NEVER catch the hares at that rate!!

Well, the joke was on us. At the top of the hill, Two Clump Chump caught the hares. Apparently, the scene was a pile of flour and blood; it seems that Semen on the Poop Deck got lost and then ran straight into a parked car. (I hate when those parked cars keep hitting me!)

So, Two Clump took the bag and ran with it. Literally! The trail continued through a nice suburban neighborhood and right past chez Two Clump. During this stretch, I learned WAY too much about certain hash members obsessions with anal and anal raping. And telescopes? Yes kids, this is the Year of the Sausage Fest!

With inappropriateness in our heads, the pack continued over Ridge Avenue near the golf course. Then, onto a Beer Check. (We learned the origin of the weird mark after all!) After beverage-ing, the pack went back on-in.

When we got back to the bar, we indulged in our favorite hash pastime – beer! Before we go any further in this trash, we must pay homage to this joyous reason we keep showing up every Thursday! (Just sing this in your head; the day will be MUCH better)

Lyrics to The Beer Song:
What is the malted liquor.(beer)
What gets you drunker quicker?
What comes in bottles or in cans?(beer)
Can’t get enough of it,(beer)
How we really love it,(beer)
Makes me think I’m a man,(beer)
I can kiss and hug it,(beer)
But I’d rather chug it,(beer)
Fill my belly up to here,(beer)
I could not refuse a,(beer)
I could really use a,(beer)
Beer, beer, beer.

I can’t remember how much I have had,
I drank a twelve pack with my dad, BURP!
That’s my son the drunken manly stud,
I’m proud to be his bud,
Here have some pretzels,
No!
I’ll call it quits,
Those things give me the Schlitz!

Drink with your family,
Drink it with your friends,
Drink till you’re fat,
Stomach distends,
Beer is liquid bread it’s good for you,
We like to drink till we spew,
EW
Who cares if we get fat,
I’ll drink to that,
As we sing once more.

What is the malted liquor,
What gets you drunker quicker,
What comes in bottles or in cans (beer)
Can’t get enough of it,(beer)
How we really love it,(beer)
Makes me think I’m a man,(beer)
I can kiss and hug it,(beer)
But I’d rather chug it,(beer)
Fill my belly up to here,(beer)
Golly I adore it,(beer)
Come on dammit pour it,
Do it for me,
Brew it for me,
Feed it to me,
Speed it to me.(beer)

The most wonderful drink in the world.
Hooray!

Circle

Hares – Semen on the Poop Deck, Tits of Steel – Caught on Trail Then – Two Clump Chump Too

First In/Last In – Up Her Ali, Semen on the Poop Deck (and when all hares drink)

Cums Lately – Tube Cock, Bonzai Bush, Jubal, Jiz Hell,

Virgins?Visitors? – Just Danielle, Just Brad, Just Matt

Autohashers – Bumble Beaver, Broken Rod, He’s a Lesbian, Bonzai Bush, Piss Cycle, Jiz Hell

Accusations
Hash Crash – Semen on the Poop Deck for running into a parked car
Uncle Bad Touch – Sticky fingers or just being him
Urine Luck – Emanating Three Balls musk
Jiz Hell – Breaking a toe at the Red Dress Run
Visitors – For discussing Big Bang Theory or general nerdiness
Tube Cock – Prodding or pooping on trail (or both)
Semen on the Poop Deck – For imitating a cop show by sprawling across the hood of a car
Semen on the Poop Deck – Competitive sports shirt (he was thirsty!) and All Hares
Scooby – Compression socks
Rimmer – Because
Soft Core Anal-ist – Because
Uncle Bad Touch – Grandma Hip (all five fingers drink)
Goat Fucker – For being thirsty (or bitter and shifty)
Just Pete – Thirsty
Broken Rod and Up Her Ali – Eating delicious wings in circle (it was totally worth it!)
Flipper Over – For numerous costume changes
Chef Boy or Horse – Chin Strap

Announcements:

Full Moon Beer Mile! – October 14th – Manayunk – You Missed It!

BFM 400th Run – October 20th – You will miss it tonight!

Zombie Run – October 22nd – Maryland Somewhere, see Lesbian for details.

Philly AGM – December 3rd

Overheard at the hash:

“His telescope has been cold for some time.”
“You know what injury really hurts, anal raping”

categories Trash

BFM #396 – Once Upon a Time at Castle Bonners

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By Up Her Ali September 29, 2011

Once Upon a Time, a long time ago, there was a group of runners who liked to gather on Thursday evenings for adventures and the quest of Crappy American Beer. This Thursday evening in the Reign of the Queen Sausage in Castle Bonners in the Village of Center City Philadelphia was a humid one. The runners donned their fairest frocks seeking adventure into the sweltering night. All to grab their last sighting of the fair Prince and/or Princess (es) Working Girl and Sleeps Around the Cock prior to their departure to the wilds of the West.

But lo, how did we get to this sad departure. One day, Prince Working Girl set out to find a fair, modest maid. After searching far and wide, he could not find an acceptable maid to be his bride. However, on one fine evening, a fair lady arrived to a Center City Inn from a far away Village of Bridesburg and competing running adventurers. After months of courtship, the fair lady Sleeps Around the Cock noticed the Prince’s desire to wear gowns at the annual Green Dress Village Dance. Not even this predisposition could keep the couple apart and the Prince and Princess were happily wed. However, as fate would have it, adventures lurked for the Prince and Princess (es) to find their fortune in the West. Thus, the Queen of all of the hashers deemed this fair evening the Farewell to Prince and Princess Working Girl and Sleeps Around the Cock.

The villagers gathered for the mighty quest for beverages:

Queen – Queen Hold the Sausage
Prince and/or Princess (es) – Working Girl and Sleeps Around the Cock
Knights– Rear Engineer, One Inch In
Exchequer – Where’s My Vagina
Scribes– Up Her Ali, He’s a Lesbian, Two Clump Chump
Pied Piper – The Karoake Guy
Token Squeaky Field Mice – Flipper Over, Cleavage to Beaver
Fair Maids and Maidens – Stacks, Cause for Blindness, Chernoblow, Bumble Beaver
Vicars, Monks, and Sirs – Short Distance Rimmer, Chef Boy or Horse, Son of a Goat Fucker, Soft Core Analist, Gay Mathews Lamb, Can You Hear Me Now, Skin Fiddle, Founder, Gag Reflex, Sternum and Rectum, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Penis in My Ear, Virgin Pimp, Runner Girl, Uncle Bad Touch, Broken Rod

To start their quest, the Fair Maids, Maidens, Vicars, Monks, Sirs, and Villagers gathered at the Castle Ballroom to begin their quest for Crappy American Beverages. The group was led by the brave Knights outside of the castle to learn more about the looming adventure.

Once given the rules of the quest, the group was off in search of the Holy Grail – Crappy American Beer. The quest started into the heart of center city. The pack headed back toward Castle Bonners over some drawbridges to the great Schuykill moat trail where it continued for a while. After being on the trail for a spell, the pack headed towards the Philadelphia Royalty Art Collections which is said to be guarded by Dragons.

The pack eventually stopped to find a safe place by the Moat to drink the first spoils of the quest – Crappy American Beer and fine Queen sponsored shots. After completing the first test, the group headed up into the belly of the Art Museum. As luck would have it, no dragons had to be slayed, so the villagers took a memorial picture for the Prince and Princess to remember when they are in far away lands.

From there, the pack headed back on-in to the Castle Bonners to safety and to complete their quest for Crappy American Beverages.

While back at Castle Bonners, The Exchequer collected the necessary tithing to exchange cash for beer. Crappy American Beverages were served and the participants rejoiced. Who wants some of that?

As is the Queens’ tradition, the group gathered to celebrate the highlights and lowlights of the quest. The brave knights led the villagers in song and much rejoicing.

Leaders of the Quest (Hares): Sleeps Around the Cock, Hold the Sausage

Sacrificial Virgins – None, they have all been sacrificed

Dragon Slayers (First In) /Caught Fighting the Dragon (Last In)– Sternum and Rectum, Princess Working Girl, Short Distance Rimmer, Penis in My Ear

Not Tithing to the Hash Recently – (Cumes Lately) – Sternum and Rectum, Cleavage to Beaver, Bumble Beaver, Chef Boy or Horse, Gag Reflex, Virgin Pimp

Visitors from Far Away Lands – Runner Girl

Stuck in the Castle Dungeon (Autohashers) – Uncle Bad Touch, Can You Hear Me Now, Gag Reflex, He’s a Lesbian, Bumble Beaver

Airing of the Complaints to the Knights (Accusations)

Working Girl – For Princess Attire
Cleavage to Beaver – Tech on Trail
Can You Hear Me Now – Looking beyond his lot in life (dress shirt)
Sleep Around the Cock – For taking away the best looking girl
Runner Girl – Pointing in Circle
Cause – Really Last In
One Inch In – Talking during circle (and all Knights drank)
Two Clump - Butt Plug bigger than him
Cleavage and Flipper Over – Squeakiness
Rimmer – Having a friend who shakes until his member comes out
Lesbian – Because
Skin Fiddle – Showing up once a year without his hash beard
Bumble Beaver – Exercise attire
Lesbian – Because
Working Girl – Bringing Amy Winehouse back from the dead
Up Her Ali and Broken Rod – For stealing pussies
Broken Rod – Hat
Working Girl – Don’t Ask Don’t Tell
Gag Reflex – For Head
Cleavage and Flipper Over – For General Squeakiness
Working Girl and Sleeps Around the Cock – For going to Vegas and fitting in for being a drag queen

Proclamations –

Philly Hash 1750th – October 8th – 2pm – Great Beer, Great Food, Great Trail, Indoor Camping at the legendary Barn – It will be awesome! Let Hold the Sausage, Up Her Ali, Hareass or Three Balls know you are cumming!

Full Moon Beer Mile! – October 14th – Manayunk – Check Your E-Mail

BFM 400th Run – October 20th

Zombie Run – October 22nd – Maryland Somewhere

Rest in Peace and On Up – Legendary Hasher Himalaya Passed Away – He will be greatly missed!!!

Attempting Re-Laming of Chef Boy or Horse – Failed for Now

Once the rejoicing was complete, the villagers celebrated the going away of the Prince and Princess (es) by singing them a little song led by the one and only Pied Piper or the Karoake Guy.

After hours of serenading, the Prince and Princess were tired and headed out back to their abode to prepare for their long journey. And as in all tales, they lived Happily Ever After.

The End

categories Trash

BFM #389 – Procrastination Really Pays Off Now!

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By Up Her Ali August 25, 2011

So, yeah, I am a little late writing this trash. They say procrastination pays off now and hard work after a while, this is true. Let’s consider two weeks ago when I would have originally written this trash versus now.

Plus, why not steal the thunder of the person who is writing the trash this week. Like it will be witty or something… Whatever!

Other On-Secs reaction to this statement:
The Rash – Sure, right, I’m plotting your death in the most statistically improbable way (and I have the stats background to prove it)
Two Clump, – Like you ever write the trash? I am the only one who ever does anything for this group! Said in a bitchy/whiny tone
He’s a Lesbian – This trash needs more boobs, guns, and cop stories.

Two Weeks Ago – Philadelphia, PA

Weather – A hot, steamy and normal Philadelphia Summer.
Natural Disasters – None
Politics – The country was fighting over the debt ceiling and Americans were getting even more disillusioned with their hopelessly divided and useless Representative “Democratic” Government
Work – Sucky! At least I have a job but when do I go on vacation again?
Life – Still don’t have enough time, money or beauty. (Or a Stunt Double to do my job)
Hash – Still shitty but at least I am not freezing my balls off, just sweating a lot like Soft Core Anal-ist
Criminal Activity – None

Today, Thursday, August 25, 2011

Weather – Horrible! It’s been raining for two weeks straight. Clifford and I are working on plans for the Arc.
Natural Disasters – TWO!!
First, a random earthquake on Tuesday at 2pm. WTF – I thought Earthquakes were for the hippy jerks on the West Coast. What gives?
Second, Hurricane Irene – Holy Sh*t (not Holy Fuck) this one is going to be big. Manayunk and Kelly Drive – it’s been nice to know you. Jersey – You suck and you deserve to be punished. Besides your cheap gas, booze, jobs, hookers, and the Jersey Shore, what good are you? You should be PA; you can carry guns at will and hydrofrack your way to prosperity. (Who even knows where Bradford, Tioga, and Sullivan counties are anyway?)
Phairweather hash Sunday? Anyone?
Politics – Well, we “solved” the debt crisis. Our AAA bond rating was downgraded and we are heading towards the famous double dip recession. QE3 anyone? So what if you want to borrow money, ask Uncle Vinny, his interest is just broken legs. A job, unemployment is the best job evah!
Work – Sucky! Did I mention I have worked 10 days straight? Vacation better come soon or go all postal on the client’s ass.
Life – Still don’t have enough time, money or beauty. (Or slaves to do my bidding)
Hash – (see Arc comment above) Wet, I didn’t know this was a weekly wet t-shirt contest.
Criminal Activity – Flash Mobs! Watch out for Random Ass Beatings! AND, I got a ticket for recycling (really, I did) I love this city!

So, you see hash friends, put off what you can do today until two weeks from now. The picture can only be better!!

Surely I digress, the task at hand….

The greatest thing about Druids is that it is dog friendly. The Clifford is a big fan of the hash. If I grab my sneakers and say “hash”, he gets very excited. So, I got to the trail late and parked on ghetto Front Street. (Yes, this is my attempt to get rid of the Shit box) I picked up the hashers on the way going down Front Street. Clifford met the hashers with a dog appropriate greeting, a poop!

Once pooping was done, we continued on trail towards Delaware Avenue and through some scary post-industrial corridors. We kept running through the scary, until we got to Frankford Avenue. At Frankford, we saw the SugarHouse Casino. Gambling Check anyone?

We headed up through Fishtown a little more and ended up on Girard. At Girard, we saw a gathering of runners. Lo and behold, it was the Fishtown Beer runners. If you don’t know them, they are the uppidity version of the hash. They just run and drink snobby beer. The FBR looked us up and down and dismissed us as “those” people. We gave them some sneers back, West Side Story style, and went on our merry way.

From there, the trail went a little more through Fishtown and then veered back to the Northern Liberties. We got VERY check hung at the Piazza at Schmidts. After 10 or so minutes, we found the On, On up on Germantown Avenue. From there, we ran up towards 3rd Steet and we found a beer check! We hung out at a park, drinking some fine canned beer. After a spell, we headed back On In.

Upon returning to Druids, I was given the notebook by He’s A Lesbian. I think his hand hurt from all that writing on trail. (not what you would suspect his hand would hurt from…) So, from here on in I have to interpret his notes. This should be interesting.

Who showed to trail, aka, Mickey Mouse Roll Call, Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, He’s a Lesbian, Semen on the Poopdeck, Just Rick, Just Kristy, Whack a Mole?, Just Polly, Just Jason, Just Victor, Piss Cycle, Not in My Hair, Soft Core Anal-ist, Scooby Snatch, Son of a Goat Fucker, Giz Hell, Just Aciz, Tits of Steel, Can You Hear Me Now, Just Ben, Cousin It, Dr Squeal Good, Bumble Beaver, Elmo, and the ones I couldn’t figure out.

So, once back the bar, we got beers and headed outside.

Then, circle commenced.

Hares: Rear Engineer, Semen on the Poopdeck – The trail had not enough, cobblestones, dogs, glass, obvious marks, piazzas

Virgins – Just Aciz – The internet made him cum (doesn’t it for everyone)
Just Polly – Her sister made her cum
Just Jaycee (the bartender from Green Room) – Not sure who made her cum, but I know some boys who would want to

First In, Last In – Cheese Ho, Two Clump Chump – Two Clump was beaten by a girl, again!

Comes Lately – Not in My Hair, Bumble Beaver, Elmo, Bonzai Bush

Visitors – I can’t read it. Thanks for coming to the hash from another hash.

Autohashers – Bonzai Bush, Just Jaycee, Bumble Beaver, Tube Cock, Elmo, Short Distance Rimmer

Accusations that I can remember or read:
Pooping on a Pole – Scooby
Racists – Two Clump, Cheese Ho, Semen on the Poop Deck
Cousin It Not Having a Tailgate – Cousin It
New Shoes – The latest victim of the new shoe police
Abusing Clifford – He’s a Lesbian

Announcements from two weeks ago:
Cousin It Pig Roast – Passed you are SOL
Full Moon AGM – Passed, the new GMs are Bumble Beaver and Tits of Steel
Cousin It’s Tailgate – THIS WEEKEND, the 27th, Be there, bitches. RSVP today!!
Red Dress Run – Go with Uncle Bad Touch – It easier than match.com

Overheard by Lesbian at the Hash:

I jog but I have a long stride – Just Kristy

categories Trash

BFM Hash #206 – Finally! A Stunt Dick Double!

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By Up Her Ali February 6, 2008
There is really nothing like cold rain. Especially when your umbrella has mysteriously disappeared and you plan to run outside for 30-60 minutes.
 
I walked over to the Lyon’s Den in the lovely Queen’s Village neighborhood. I was surprised to learn that the Wawa on 2nd and Christian was closed. The shop was now called the 24 x 7 Deli. How amazingly clever of those crazy kids…This struck me as a true tragedy. Where to get some quick cash for hash cash, a pre-lube meatball sandwich, and some watered down coffee? I was worried about the status of the neighborhood. Would it now be ghetto pimpin’ up in P H L? If so, watch out Europ’een and Jingle Balzzz!

Upon walking in I met some of the early crowd of BFM hashers. These are the folks who show up before 8pm. There is a normal distribution of when people cum to the hash and these folks are on the left of the curve. Strap On and E on are the far tail of the right curve. Lousy word press won’t let me show you my pretty diagram. If you really want to see it, I can email you my word document. It’s a masterpiece.

Attendees: Two Clump, Sloppy Ho, Just Archana, Jingle Balzzz, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Cunting Season, Europe’en on Me, The Rash, Just John, Just Mike, Likes the Hard One, Major Piece of Ass, Can’t You Hear Me Now, Little Red Riding Wood, Hold the Sausage, Fire Down Under and the many more who attended later on on.
 
Hold the Sausage started to hand out the straws. Either Just Mike or Just John pulled the short straw and they decided to hare together. I confused them for an/the ambiguously gay couple, but I think I was wrong for once. Sausage handed them the bag of flour and they were “off”.
 
During this time there were a couple of interesting conversations:
 
-         The movie “Teeth” is a must see for all men. Check out the following movie listings:
http://www.ritztheaters.com/synopses/films.php?movie_id=1287
-         We discussed the color of the new sign at the 24 x 7 mart. Two Clump pondered the opposite of red. Many responded with, “Is there an opposite of a primary color?” A lead paint joke ensued and the answer was deemed to be 42.
-         Can You Hear Me Now didn’t know that the super bowl was held on a Sunday. He failed to deduce the last word of the event, Super Bowl Sunday.
-         A seemingly homeless/”out of it” lady walked into a bar and tried to have a beer but left. (this will be important later)
 
Sloppy Ho hailed us to go outside and start the insanity. We started the circle and learned that we had a virgin, Just John. However, Just John was out setting trail with Just Mike.
 
The pack went on out. As we went out, we ran into Strap On and E. (this will be important in the next paragraph) We, the pack, went around the corner and there was a check. We searched for a while and check hung and then went another block and there was a check. We found trail and there was a check on the next block. Hmm… we were sensing a pattern…
 
The trail led us North towards South Street. At our last check at Bainbridge, Passyunk and 5th, we finally found marks on South Street. When the pack arrived, the hares had already been caught by ….E…
 
We waited a minute or so and started chasing after E. We went up 6th street to 7th and across Washington Square Park. A bunch of us got lost at this point. I went to tie my shoe and I told Soft Core Anal-ist to write something funny in the trash. He wrote, “something funny”. While I was lost, I ran into Sloppy Ho and Cunting Season, we guessed that we were going to the Locust Bar for a beer check. And we were!!
 
The good old Locust Bar in its hippie, dingy, smoky goodness… Inside, we had some beerage and conversed with each other. Some topics of discussion were: names of people we know, penis curvage – the good, bad, and ugly, and Patsy Cline songs.
 
After finishing our bevies, we went outside to continue the trail. The overachieving pack followed the trail; the rest of us lazy people went on-in.
 
Just Archana, Soft Core and I eventually arrived back at the bar. We saw the pack returning and decided to step it up. The pack, especially Rear Engineer, stepped it up to make it to the front door first but lost. (Overachievers….)
 
After arriving back, I ran into Two Clump and learned that he had become the third hare of the evening. I guess E got caught giving someone directions near Washington Square Park. Two Clump also relayed that he found a bag of cocaine on the floor and handed it to the bartendress. He really didn’t stop talking about it for a while. If you were around him, he talked about the coke. Addicted to Coke, eh?
 
In the back of the place, I went to get my bag to pay for hash cash. Sloppy was coming out from under a table and I thought of a “Sloppy in the Box”. (Like a Jack in the Box)
 
I also noticed a ping pong ball and thought… beer pong. Well, actually, our bartendress gave me the idea, Game ON!
 
The really fun circle!  
 
After hash beer was slowly procured since the Lyon’s Den only has a few pitchers, Sloppy started the circle. This circle was dedicated to Rudi Guiliani, Tom Brady, Eli Manning, and the Packers??
 
Hares – Just John and Just Mike, E=MC2, Two Clump – There were not enough checks, hares, and cocaine on trail
 
Visitor – Radar from Nittany Valley – He showed his nipple and it was hot like a supermodel
 
First In – Major Piece of Ass
Last In – Little Red Riding Wood, Strap On (when one GM drinks…)
 
Auto hashers – Holy Fuck, Well Hung Jury, (when one on-sec, and when on GM drinks…)
 
Accusations:
 
Rear Engineer was accused of racing to not be last in.
 
Two Clump was accused of being obsessed with coke.
 
E was accused of being caught by Two Clump while giving directions
 
Cunting Season was accused of having her necklace backwards so the bartender couldn’t read it.
 
Announcements:
 
February 15th – Full Moon – S&M Man Valentines Hash – Pour House – East Falls – Be there!!
 
February 7th – BFM – Do Shots Don’t Get Shot – Kelliann’s in Fairmont – 8 Shot Checks, Elections, and Drunkeness – Take the day off from work on Friday or call in sick!
 
February 9th – Philly Hash – Brag a Deer General and Dry Hump – Hashing in the Pine Barrens – Major Piece of Ass will be there – will you?
 
February 14th – BFM – AGM!!! Food, Trail, Beer, and the moment you have all been waiting for…. The new mis-management! Be there!!
 
March 15th – Philly Area Green Dress Run! Save the Date! More details to follow soon.
 
Last weekend – Bar Golf – If you weren’t there, you missed it.
Super Bowl party – If you weren’t there, you missed it too!
 
NAMING!
Let’s face it, when the namings come along, we roll our eyes. We haven’t had a good n(l)aming in a while.
 
Just Mike got on his knees and Sloppy Ho asked for some good stories…
 
Just John told us that Just Mike had gotten his penis broken, not once, but twice! Stunt Dick Double was yelled and it was unanimous. Just Mike was Stunt Dick Double.
 
Stunt Dick Double finally told us his story on how he broke his penis twice. It was with an ex-girlfriend. (of course, bitches) The first time, it happened he was drunk. He didn’t know what happened but all he knew is he woke up in pain and with blood stains… The second time, he blacked out, when he woke up, he was like, “…not again…”
Note: Please see Stunt Dick for the rest of the gory details….
 
Can You Hear Me Now was now the man of the evening. He is in charge of our crazy election process. You will see many, many emails on this topic. Please see the flood of emails in your in-box.
 
The following positions are up for grabs: GM, RA, On-Sec, Hash Flash, Haberdasher
 
You have until midnight tonight to nominate anyone to mismanagement. Tomorrow and for the next week we vote. Next Thursday, he announces the new mismanagement. Note: for more details, see Can You.
 
In this crazy election season, be sure to vote! You won’t feel any better, it won’t serve any major life purpose, but you will have done your part to put the “mis” in mis-management.
 
As you vote in the next week, be sure to thank a member of the current gynocracy. I am truly biased, but I think they did a truly shitty job this year. To more shitty trails with shitty friends and shitty beer in the future!
 
Some election quotes to get you motivated:
 
Homer Simpson: “Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos.”
 
From the movie Election: Tammy Metzler: [her campaign speech] Who cares about this stupid election? We all know it doesn’t matter who gets elected president of Carver. Do you really think it’s going to change anything around here; make one single person smarter or happier or nicer? The only person it does matter to is the one who gets elected. The same pathetic charade happens every year, and everyone makes the same pathetic promises just so they can put it on their transcripts to get into college. So vote for me, because I don’t even want to go to college, and I don’t care, and as president I won’t do anything. The only promise I will make is that if elected I will immediately dismantle the student government, so that none of us will ever have to sit through one of these stupid assemblies again!
[Student body erupts in huge cheers]
 
The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid.
 
 
Remember to vote early — and often.
 
Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.  ~Robert Byrne
 
On, on, YFF
Up Her Ali
 
 

categories Trash

BFM Hash #203 – The Miracle of S. Philly – 1038 Reed St to be Exact

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By Up Her Ali January 11, 2008
 
We traversed back into the land of S. Philly. We actually got the real address of the Triangle Tavern courtesy of Son of a Gost F*cker’s wife, it is 1038 Reed St. Every website in town has it wrong. I think it is a clever marketing ploy to keep the cool center city kids out. I mean, who wants to deal with yuppie scum or annoying urban hipsters anyway? Except, we found you Triangle bitches! You tried to hide from is by incorrectly listing your address but you underestimated the hash’s seventh sense for dive bars and cheap beer. (M .Night trademarked the Sixth Sense) Now you are stuck with us. (Insert maniacal laughter here)
 
The attendees as I could tell: Rear Engineer, Up Her Ali, Two Clump Chump, Hold the Sausage, Europe’en on Me, Deep Flute, Fiber Opdick, Can You Hear My Now, Heave Ho, Fire Down Under, Scamming Old Ladies, Soft Core Anal-ist, Yack in the Box, Horse Whacker, Sloppy Ho, Over Easy, My Snuffupmymuufa-biatch, Rash, S&M Man, Little Red Riding Wood, Strap On, E=MC2, Just Mike, Just Dev, Jingle Balzzz, Scooby Snatch
 
The short straws were passed out. Rear Engineer pulled the first straw and it was the short straw. Over Easy went out to hare with him.
 
Just Mike,Yack in the Box, the bartender, and I began talking about people who drink Robitussin to get drunk. You know what I mean; the trying to be cool, but really weird kid from college? Or high schoolers with nothing better to do than watch MTV? Did you know that Robitussin diluted with water is called a Motussin? (We are so getting this for the next circle) The bartender overheard us and brought out a bottle of Jacquin Rock and Rye. It smells as bad as Robitussin and it probably is as bad as Robitussin. We could start a new fad, where are some kids for me to corrupt? Deep Flute and Meat Tenderized kids are not born yet. Oh right, I am going to see my nieces and nephew later. I think my sister, Scabby, would be so thrilled if I got my 8 and 11 year old nieces or my 16 year old nephew addicted to Jacquin Rock and Rye. (Actually, the 16 year old has probably already snuck some of this to get all wasted. Plus, I would have to get my 11 year old niece to stop constantly text messaging her friends.)
 
Some other great topics to fill space in the hash trash: (I know you don’t want to work)
 
Alycia Lane – Beating up Booker isn’t enough for you. You have to go after a NYC Cop?
 
Philly Turkey – Seriously, have you checked out this site yet? www.phillyturkey.com
 
Wing Bowl – It is a true Philadelphia tradition and a great reason to drink really early in the morning.
 
My car – It is being fixed at the Auto Show across from the Triangle Tavern. It was good sign that my car wasn’t out front. (Or maybe it was stolen. Nah, I couldn’t get that lucky.)
 
Groundhog Day – It’s on a Saturday this year. Field trip!! Phil is totally seeing his shadow.
 
Mayor Nutter – We now will get frisked on the runs as part of the stop and frisk policy. (I know another one, there is Scooby’s frisking.)
 
The trail:
 
You don’t really read this section. I guess I can try something for you trail enthusiasts.
 
We ran North, we got lost, we ran East, we got lost. We saw garbage and drug deals. We had a beer check at Over Easy’s house. I had a strong feeling it was going to be there, but I ran trail like a jerk. We walked the two blocks back to the bar since we are lazy.
 
There was a time when a few of us fine hash bimbos were standing on the corner with the S&M Man. Horse Whacker quibbled that we were the higher end prostitutes for the sporty crowd. S&M Man was our pimp. (without the Virgin Pimp in the house)
 
Sloppy Ho spotted a bumper sticker. “What are you having?”… with a PBR can.
 
Rash did tell a story of an eventful shot check near 8th and Federal Streets. I guess they had a beer check behind the Oriental Grocery Store. During the shot check, about 6 cop cars a SWAT team showed up. How nice of them to stop by. I am sure Can You Hear Me Now will write something about this in the comments. Can You writing a comment to the trash is like the sun coming up in the East.
 
The circle:
 
Sloppy Ho kicked off the circle. It was proclaimed the Miracle in South Philly. (Move over NY and 34th street, you attention hogs)
 
Virgins – Just Mike was volunteered to be a born again almost virgin
 
No Visitors Either – Great! It gives us more opportunity to be incestuous. Inbreeding is awesome, just look at Kentucky (or Central PA – Pennsyltucky)
 
Hares – Rear Engineer and Over Easy. Not enough garbage, Asians by trucks, subways, crack. (there was a real live drug deal, good times for us suburban kids)
 
First In – E
Last In – Mr Snuff, 2 Clump
 
Comes Lately – Over Easy, S&M Man, Up Her Ali
 
While I drank, I gave my notebook to E. I should give notebooks away to random people more often. He had the following thoughts:
Can You – Kind of Chubby, Needs a Diet
Scooby Snatch – Still looking creepy
Europe’en – Keeps breaking her camera
 
Auto hashers – Just Dev, Scooby Snatch, Jingle Balzzz
 
Accusations:
 
Yack in the Box – Pulling out early, he is moving to California (what with non-existent global warming, it is as warm as there)
 
S&M Man accused Rear Engineer of drawing an on-in picture with small balls, just like his. Then when all hares… Over Easy
 
Mr Snuff accused Sloppy of not knowing the right word to when your girlfriend tastes like sh*t flip her over…. (E said, “That is good advise” in reference to the song.)
 
Rash accused Just Mike of wearing a race shirt. Since you folks were giving Sloppy crap again. She volunteered Fiber Opdick to lead the next song. Someone yelled out, “Freebird!” He actually gave the lamest song in the universe. “this is a hashing song and it is not that long”
 
As a result, Scooby accused FO of picking a lame song since he should know a lot of  them from being a member of the Carolina Trash.
 
Mr Snuff accused Scooby of singing soprano, and I think when one small ball drinks, they all drink.
 
The crowd went silent. Then there were dumb stares.
 
Sloppy asked E if he had any frustrations. I am not sure what possessed her to do this. I mean, this is like opening up Pandora’s Box. She might as well have asked E how he felt about Lance Armstrong or to taunt E about ninjas. That could kill a whole day. He did come up with lamest accusation ever. He accused Little Red Riding Wood of not helping him on trail. (She is noted to get lost on trail in S. Philly. I think so goes home and does some shots so she can deal with us after. Or maybe she was the mysterious drug dealer.)
 
Two Clump accused S&M Man, Scamming Old Ladies, and Fire Down Under of wearing layers. Hello…global warming! (I could barely decipher E’s chicken scratch)
 
Announcements:
Get out your social calendars: (we know you don’t have any other friends)
 
January 19th – Jingle Balzzz is haring the Philly Hash. He promises lots of beer and goodies. Note: He actually didn’t announce it. Strap On had it announce it since he forgot his announcement.
 
January 25th – Philly Full Moon – Dancing hared by Little Red Riding Wood and Bumble Beaver
 
February 7th – BFM’s Do Shots, Don’t Get Shot at Kellian’s. At least 8 shot checks! Also, BFM Elections are that night. I will give you an “I Voted Today” sticker or a kick in the ass.
 
February 8-10th – Ski Trip! Really, sign up now!
 
February 14th – BFM AGM!!!! Be there, meet your new elected officers (tormentors), there will be beer and food. After that, go complain to someone else.
 
February 15th – Philly Full Moon – It’s an S&M Valentines Day hared by S&M Man and Up Her Ali – Be there, it will be awesome!
 
March 15th – Green Dress Run/Weekend – Save the Date!!
 
August 2008 – Phillies Tailgate
 
Sign up to hare the Philly Hash or E will kick your ass!!
 
After this, the mob mingled and drank. We chipped in for greasy pizza. We went to Pope’s.
 
At some point, Little Red Riding Wood was taking the prize as the Horny Hands of the BFM. She was giving Mr. Snuff a back massage. Look out boys, there is a new masseuse in town.
 
Overheard at the Hash
 
“You wouldn’t happen to have my large vagina (shirt)”. Rear Engineer to Europe’en on Me
 
On, on, YFF
Up Her Ali
 

categories Trash

BFM Hash #198 – Festivus: The Bar Crawl for the Rest of Us

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By Up Her Ali December 7, 2007

 

Ahh, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. No, it’s not the Christmas lights, the Hanukkah dreidels, or the long lines at the mall; it’s Festivus. You know, the holiday for the rest of us. If you don’t get the Seinfeld reference, find it on the internet. I am not getting it for you this time, bitches!

 
Or maybe… I will cave like I usually do and get you the link….
 
 
Remember – The Festivus Pole, the Airing of the Grievances, and Feats of Strength. (Hint: these will come back later!)
 
The “trail” aka the “crawl”
 
Hold the Sausage, our grand mistress, posted the slew of bars for the week. I got my drinking liver on. I was going to need it.
 
1st Stop – Paddy’s
 
I walked in and many of the mob had already gathered to join the festivities. They were mainly on time for once. It’s funny, without the threat of the short straw and with the threat of a lot of beer, people show up on time.
 
The early crowd consisted of:
S&M Man, Fire Down Under, Lick Hymen, Soft Core Anal-ist, Snap Off, Snap Off’s brother, Up Her Ali, Attila the Hung, Rear Engineer, Mayor Quimby, She Man, Deep Flute, Just Arshna, Cherry Poppins, Cause for Blindness, Bastard Child, Yack in the Box, Jingle Balzzz, Just Dev, Snip and Tuck, My SnuffupyourMuffDude, Snip and Tuck, Hold the Sausage, Cunting Season, The Rash, Well Hung Jury, Sloppy Ho, Just Jen, Just , Just Joel  and a lot of people who I didn’t know. I think the “Justs” were more numerous than the named hashers.
 
Paddy’s is SO small. I got shoved by some old cranky guy about four times trying to write down the hash names. I guess the bar folks were onto the Feats of Strength. To get from the back to the front, the best way is to go outside using the back door and walk in the front door. So much for the fastest way is a straight line theory.  
 
I spoke to some Comes Latelys I hadn’t seen in a while. Deep Flute and She Man got all knocked up in the last few months. They even have the photographic evidence. It’s a hash baby made by two hashers on purpose, not by accident!
 
Holy F*ck and Just Arshna tormented me with their warm puffy coats. I so want one. I can’t deal with this cold stuff anymore. I know I am Buffalo, I am just weak.
 
The mob got the on call and headed out.
 
I was handed the hash Festivus hymnal sheets by The Rash and began to pass them out. That Rash can skirt responsibility better than Sub Human’s Philly Hash mismanagement.
 
We basically walked across the street to Florist Street, which is under the Ben Franklin Bridge. Florist is a sweet name but actually is an evil, cursed street. My car got broken into (nothing was taken) and my ex-boyfriend sprained his ankle walking to his car (it gave him something to bitch about). I was worried that on this night someone else would succumb to the cursed nature of this street.
 
2nd Stop – Beer Check!
Scene: Florist St. Mayor Quimby’s car under the Ben Franklin Bridge
 
The pack huddled around two cases of beer. Considering it was below freezing, this was the warmest beer I have ever drunk at a beer check. Wait…no…the Solsta$$ also had some warm ass check beer.
 
We then began our joyous Festivus carols…Jingle Balzzz started us off with, you know, Jingle Balls. Here is the tune:
 
Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to run around naked in this way,
Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to run round naked Christmas day.

Dashing round the block, not wearing any dacks,
One hand on your cock, to give your balls more slack,
Bouncing up and down as we run to and fro,
We’ll jingle with our genitals wherever we may go.
(Repeat first verse running in place with hands on crotches)

 
I really liked this one as well…
 
Melody – Winter Wonderland

Lacy things, the wife is missin’,
Didn’t ask for her permission,
I’m wearin her clothes_silk panty hose,
Walkin’ round in womens’ underwear.

In the store, there’s a teddy
Little straps, like spaghetti
It holds me so tight, like handcuffs at night
Walkin’ round in womens’ underwear.

In the office there’s a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown,
He’ll say are you ready, I’ll say whoa man,
Let’s wait until the wife is out of town.

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress like Madonna,
Put on some eye shade and join the parade
Walkin’ round in womens’ underwear.

Lacy things the wife is missin’,
Didn’t ask for her permission,
I’m wearin her clothes_silk panty hose,
Walkin’ round in womens’ underwear.
Walkin’ round in womens’ underwear.
Walkin’ round in womens’ underwear

 
For the most part, the mob was between bad singing and laughing. Sloppy was giddy as I have ever seen her as she sang her carols!
 
Mayor Quimby was trying to get rid of the two 30 packs of beer. The best way I know how to get rid of beer quickly is to have people shotgun. So, a brave group of male hashers with their manhood threatened, shotgunned. At some point during this, Snap Off’s purse was drenched by an errant beer.
 
It was already starting to get messy.
 
Scooby thought Market Street was North. (Just like a hasher to go the wrong direction)
 
We discussed Philly’s Bonnie and Clyde. I mean, couldn’t they have thrown the hash some parties? I would have been totally cool with their stealing in that case. Plus, why didn’t my dad get me fake boobs for a present. Damn it! Oh, BTW – watch your sh*t. These two are a role model for us all. Jingle Balzz and I are going to dedicate ourselves to a life of crime while taking bad, cheesy, and decadent pictures that will be forever posted on philly.com.
 
http://www.philly.com/philly/hp/news_update/12240646.html
 
The pack dreamed up the name “Potty Queen” as a hash name on the way to Sugar Mom’s. I retorted it would be funnier if the name was “R Kelly’s Potty Queen”. This for his infamous pissing on chics habit. Chapelle does a really funny video parody of this, check it…
 
 
3rd Stop – Sugar Mom’s
Ahh, the mom’s we can still go to. The mob piled in a was treated to a slew of PBR pounders. More brave souls met us at this bar. Little Red Riding Wood, Heave Ho, Fruit of the Clue, Skin Fiddle, Just Brian Duffy, Popeye’s Bitch, Bumble Beaver, Bumble Beaver’s friend and the Albanian!! (and everyone else who trickled in)
 
At some point, Strap On and E waltzed in fashionably late with the Festivus Pole! Now the trifecta of Festivus was complete.
 
Holy F*ck took a night off from trash and took a turn as the photo mistress. I don’t know about you, but I was in some damn embarrassing pictures. I remember humping and licking the Festivus pole. The pole is a slut. It got more action than Wilt Chamberlain or Scooby.
 
Somewhere in here Rear Engineer took her camera and took a picture of his balls. Later, we were discussing men in stalls laughing at themselves. What do the people in the other stalls think?
 
4th Stop – Shot Check in an Alley! (my favorite)
Scene: The alley next to Lucy’s.
There was some schnapps goodness in tiny cups. I am pretty sure She Man and someone else drank most of these. This made me worry that he might fall asleep standing up in the alley.
 
I did an impromptu poll if people were pukers or pass-outers. Surprisingly, with my small sample size, there were a lot of pukers in the bunch. That could explain the smell outside the bars when I leave the hash. There were also a lot of booters and ralliers. This might come in handy with the way this bar crawl was going.
 
Strap On and others molested the Festivus pole. It’s getting hot in herre, so take off all your clothes!
 
Check out the lyrics by 50 cent. I triple dog dare you to make this into a Festivus song!
Hot in…..
So hot in heerre…..
So hot in…..
Oh
(Quiet background voice)
Wan’ a lil bit of uh uh and a lil bit of.
(Wan’ a lil bit of uh uh just a lil bit of.
Wan’ a lil bit of uh uh just a lil bit of.)
(Nelly)
(Uh) I was like, good gracious ass is bodacious
Oh, flirtacious, tryin to show patience
I’m waitin’ for the right time to shoot my steez (you know)
Waitin’ for the right time to flash them keys
Then um I’m leavin, please believin (oh)
Me and the rest of my heathens
Check it, got it locked at the top of the four seasons
Penthouse, roof top, birds I feedin
No deceivin, nothin up my sleeve and, no teasin
I need you to get up up on the dance floor
Give that man what he askin for (oh)
Cuz I feel like bustin loose and I feel like touchin you (uh uh)
And can’t nobody stop the juice so baby tell me whats the use
(Hook 2x)
(I said)
Its gettin hot in here (so hot)
So take off all your clothes (eh)
(Background voice: uh uh uh uh uh)
I am gettin to hot, I wanna take my clothes off
(repeat)
(Nelly)
Why you at the bar if you ain’t poppin the bottles (come on)
What good is all the fame if you aint fuckin the models
I see you drivin, sportscar, aint hittin the throttle
And I be down, and do a hundred, top down and goggles
Get off the freeway, exit 106 and parked it
Ash tray, flip gate, time to spark it
Gucci collar for dollar, got out and walked it
I spit game cuz baby I cant talk it
Warm, sweatin its hot up in this joint
VOKAL tanktop, on at this point
Your with a winner so baby you cant lose
I got secrets cant leave Cancun
So take it off like you’re home alone
You know dance in front your mirror while your on the phone
Checkin your reflection and tellin your best friend,
like "girl I think my butt gett’n’ big" (oh)
(Repeat Hook 2x)
(Let it hang all out)
Mix a little bit a ah, ah
With a little bit a ah, ah
(Let it just fall out)
Give a little bit a ah, ah
With a little bit a ah, ah
(Let it hang all out)
With a little bit a ah, ah
And a sprinkle a that ah, ah
(Let it just fall out)
I like it when ya ah, ah
Girl, Baby make it ah, ah
(Nelly)
Stop pacin, time wastin
I gotta friend with a pole in the basement (What?)
I’m just kiddin like Jason (Oh)
Unless you gon’ do it
Extra, extra eh, spread the news (check it)
Nelly took a trip from the Lune to Neptunes
Came back with somethin thicker than fittin in sasoons
Say she got a thing about cuttin in restrooms
(Hook 4x)

(Let it hang all out)
Mix a little bit of ah, ah
With a little bit of ah, ah
(Let it just fall out)
Give a little bit of ah, ah
With a little bit of ah, ah
(Let it hang all out)
With a little bit of ah, ah
And a sprinkle of that ah, ah
(Let it just fall out)
I like it when ya ah, ah
Girl, Baby make it ah, ah
Oh

5th Stop – Lucy’s Hat Shop
For some reason, the pack was still relatively mellow. I think they were saving up the angst for Drinkers. We had $2 bud lights, molested the festivus pole, watched the Redskins…win?, and chatted for a spell. After the massive beers, we headed on out to Drinkers.
 
6th Stop – Drinkers
 
Now, for most of us, we have had at least five alcohol units by now. Sh*t was about to go down.
 
As I arrived, the mob was already in the downstairs room. About 50 down down beers awaited us for the airing of the grievances. It was the Champagne of Beers, of course.
 
The circle:
 
Hares – The Gynocracy! and Soft Core Analyst – the eternal hare. (watch out Two Clump, Soft Core is up your ass in number of trails laid)
 
Visitors– Death Wish, Yeast of Burden – who are really not visitors anymore. I mean, they cum a lot.
Death Wish showed his ass. I really wanted to noption. (normally reserved for Cause for Blindness)
Yeast of Burden showed her tits.
Snip and Tuck from Liberty Bell, the extinct hash.
 
Virgins –
Just Kelly – Attila the Hung made her cum
Just Jen – Attila the Hung made her cum too (yes, another hot Jen in the hash, it is going to get even more confusing now)
Just Jody – Just Arshna made her cum
 
Comes Lately – Bastard Child, Dry Hump, Cunting Season, Just Albanian, The Rash, Bumble Beaver, She Man (drinking for two)
 
Grievances:
 
NNFA grieved Mrsnuffupyourmuff for having condoms in appropriate places like his pocket.
 
Fruit of the Clue grieved Sloppy for having people e-mail grievances
 
Well Hung Jury accused the hash of secretly liking Don’t Stop Believing and Since You’ve Been Gone. It was overwhelmingly declared a false accusation
 
Cause was banned from grievances, but she tried. She was banned for the option as well.
 
Yeast of Burden and Deathwish for not being visitors. (they just like to give the noption)
 
Deathwish for something at a beer check but we moved on…
 
Hold the Sausage grieved Virgin Pimp for encouraging Cause to give the option
 
S&M Man grieved the hash bimbos for being hot and not giving the option
 
FOTC grieved Sloppy of using a cheat sheet as RA
 
The Rash grieved FOTC for touching women
 
Jingle Ballzzz had two grievances:
-         Popeye’s Bitch was virping at the Chug and Run (and you call yourself a drinker)
-         Bumble Beaver for being banned from planned parenthood
 
Mr Snuff grieved Sloppy for airing out her crotch in circle
 
Rash grieved Scooby for something I couldn’t read
 
Up Her Ali and Holy F*ck were grieved of violating the pole.
 
The On-secs were grieved for taking a damn long time to write trash each week
 
Holy F*ck grieved She Man for knocking up his wife
 
S&M Man for calling Holy F*ck Anal Pro Boner
 
Note: Strap On started a game of tit your it
 
Announcements:
 
Get Ready bitches – Festivus is only the beginning of December’s drinking and debauchery!
 
The Gynocracy is bringing you two more amazing December events. Be there or be a boring retard!
 
12/13 BFMH3 #199 – BFM 200th, observed – starting from the New Deck Tavern in West Philly If you haven’t paid your 200th registration yet, bring it to the New Deck. We will be collecting at the door. It will be awesome. Cum and bring friends!
 
12/20 BFMH3 #200, part 2 – Festival of Lights run – starting somewhere in South Philly This was named the best run last year. Don’t miss it!
 
Scooby for Cousin It – Phillies Game in August
 
Bumble Beaver – Philly Roller Girls Snow Brawl on Sunday Night – Be there!
 
Snap Off is singing in Manayunk from 2-4 on Saturday.
 
Up Her Ali – Haring the Philly Hash with Tastes Like Chicken in the ‘burbs this Saturday at 3pm. There will be shiggy and beer. What else do you people need?
 
Lehigh Valley 69th hash – Dec 15th I think.
 
Cause is still single
 
Holy Fuck had one more down down…for the new officers (suckers) of the Philly Hash
Strap On, Hold the Sausage, Scooby, and E=MC2
and when one GM drinks, and when on onsec drinks, and when one officer drinks… Anyone in mismanagement was drinking at this point. They call it mismanagement for a reason!
                          
Feats of Strength
 
Birthday side sides:
The Rash – thanks to the tip from her man, Anal Fisson
Bastard Child
Just Albanian
 
We were talking about the gynocracy and we realized that with the PH3 Year of Strap On, all of the Philly hashes are gynos! Take that man bitches!
 
Philly Hash – Strap On
BFM – Hold the Sausage
Full Moon – The Rash and Cunting Season
Hockessin – STD
 
We tried to take a group gyno-GM picture, but it wasn’t happening. But then the gyno-GMs started to fight. Not in mud, it was much, much hotter than that. They started full contact thumb wrestling!
 
Round #1 – Strap On vs. Rash – Rash ended up on the floor. Strap On plays dirty. I think I saw this ninja on ultimate fighting challenge
Round #2 – Strap On vs. Cunting Season – It was a draw, but it was a lengthy struggle…
 
Other feats:
 
I heard from the rumor mill that Little Red Riding Wood had her own feat of strength. For a nominal reward, she had to stare at Cause’s boobs for a period of time.
 
Rear Engineer danced Ukrainian
 
Sloppy Ho had No Shots written on her hand.
 
At time point the notes were impossible to read. Someone wrote – I LOVE BEER!
 
7th Stop – Soho Pizza
We all know how I feel about this place. This is the best drunk pizza available! Lorenzos has it in quantity, but Soho has it in quality. Try the tomato pie, it is amazing.  
 
8th Stop – Bed!
If it’s possible to fall asleep walking up the stairs, I so did that.
 
9th Stop – Working with a hangover
I am sensing a Friday morning trend here. My new hard ass b*tch boss is making me work in the office on Fridays now. I am going to be one unhappy camper in January.
 
Overall, a tremendous amount of fun! Truly sh*tty trail, sh*tty beer, sh*tty on-in, sh*tty hashers.
 
See you all next week as the BFM grows up again and turns almost 4! And you all are invited to our birthday party! The BFM needs a birthday side side!
 
Overheard at the Hash
 
“It’s all about the package” – Fruit of the Clue talking about my package
 
“At least they were cleanly shaven…” Rear Engineer in reference to the picture he took of his balls  
 
“I’m not a virgin, oh, you mean a hasher virgin…” Sloppy Ho
 
On, on, YFF
Up Her Ali

categories Trash

BFM Hash #197 – Guest Trashing!

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By Up Her Ali December 3, 2007
Kids, Listen up.
When you get in to the work field, you discover one soon to be realized and hard fast rule: If you do something well, or in my case, manage to NOT look like a complete retard while you are doing it, people expect you to do it again, or more. Kind of says a lot about me doesn’t it?
So, when I schlepped in to autohash at TA Flannerys, it was with a mixture of thanks and dread when I encountered Anal Pro Boner, who complimented me on the trash I had written before. She was sitting alongside of Skin Fiddle and Stacks who actually seemed glad to see me. She must have been drinking or something. 
While I was pondering this, the pack came streaming in from the trail. I shall write about that in a sec. amidst them was our multitasking administratively anal-retentive genius, Europeen on Me. I mean who else had the foresight to actually have a list of all the BFMers pre printed out, and check boxes next to each name to see if they actually showed up, and paid. She was busy handing out preprinted applications to the upcoming BFM’s 200th run ($20.00, get them while they last boys and girls!…um er, I think). 
Europeen on Me took one look at me and peed on me. No just kidding, but she DID say, in her ever so endearing, take-charge voice.: “Greatjobonthetrashlastweekitwasfunny.YougotStan?Ohandyouredoingthetrashthisweek, nowgiveme20bucksforatshirt!”
Of course I tried to weasel out of it.
No dice, By the way, ADD moment here, Are there any “Got Stan?” shirts left? I will gladly fork over some cash for one, even a used one, provided the internal bodily fluids of the owner are cleaned off. I’m a sick fuck, yes, but I’m not without my standards.
OK, So I was stuck with the trash. Now it would have been different if I had been there for the whole trail and was able to properly document who showed up. These are the people I THINK showed up; pretty much everyone but the hockey hashers, which translates as the entire previous mismanagement, as well as BFMers before I showed up with the exception of Stacks and Skin Fiddle. Is it me? (As I mentally check my armpits). Or was it another Hockey day?
But here’s my guess as to who showed up and ran trail: Stacks, Anal Pro Boner, Fire Down Under, Sloppy Ho, Europeen on Me, Holy Fuck, Mother Bates (there is an interesting question on that one) Allturd boy, Snap It Off, Just Natasha, Sloppy Ass Kisser (BTW ADD Moment: Has anyone ever seen this chick NOT Smiling? Anyone?), Can You Hear Me Now?, Just Mike, Just Josh, and several others who I can’t remember> Sorry folks but when you have no standards as to who writes the trash, this is what you get.
 
THE TRAIL
 
The trail was great, we ran all through center city, people applauded, no one got lost, there was awesome shaggy such as riding the elevator to the top floor of Liberty Tower for a beer check, then down Market Street to the adoring cheers of Tourists and Native Philadelphians alike. Then the trail went in through City Hall, where John Street told them all to drink their water, then off to Independenca Hall where the Park Rangers let the pack have a beer check right at the Liberty Bell, and let them pose for pictures. Both Europeen On Me and Holy Fuck not only gave the option, but let their long seated Sapphic feelings for each other brim to the top and they started making out…topless. Then to cap it off, Sloppy Ho was so drunk she ended up getting locked up by the Park Police for continuously pointing at her crotch and yelling “FUCK BUSH, VOTE DEMOCRAT!”
Now all of this was an awesome trail, IF IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED! But Noooooo, I had to make it up since I have no flipping clue what happened on trail.
 I can guess, however. Since it was Stacks and Anal Pro Boner haring, I imagine the trail went like this, It went off into University City, or around the Schuylkill, somehow, ended up at a beer check at Stack’s house, or into the ghetto, either one, then back across the River where everyone ran into Anal’s house and drank the beer from her fridge, then back to the bar, but not before noting that Bonners was open for karaoke. Some people got lost, trying to find Anal’s hidden chalk marks (sorry, M’Lady, but I remember running one of your trails backward and missing a beer stop a few mos back). Finally, the pack stumbled back to Flannerys where they met my dumb ass.
 
CIRCLE
Sloppy called the circle, and filled up HALF a small plastic cup each of beer. Does anyone else remember when it was a full pint we had to swill down on each circle? And this weeks 15 seconds of infamy go to:
 
HARES: Anal Pro Boner and Stacks (although we had to wait because one of them was peeing, you guess who, I’m a gentleman and won’t say)
VIRGINS: Just George, Hack (?) made him come. Just Joel who made himself come off the internet (don’t we all?)
VISITORS: Cherry Poppins fro the Philly Hash. Since when does that count as a visitor? Besides she can’t be from the Philly Hash, A. She’s under 30, B. Smiles a lot C. and has a full head of hair. The pack tried to take advantage of her naiveté’ and have do the option but she opted for a joke instead. It was a real knee-slapper:
“Why does Snoop Dog need an umbrella?”
“For the Drizzle!”
Drink up, hon.
 
LONG TIME NO SEEers: Stacks, SternemAndRectum (?), He’s A Lesbian (Since when does missing a week put you in THAT status? Fine, I’ll drink, it’s not like it’s a great amount beer anyway.
AUTOHASHERS: Skin Fiddle, He’s A Lesbian, Lick Hymen, Up Her Alley, Sponge Bob No Pants, Just Archana, Just Jodie,
VIOLATIONS:
Notes are sketchy here, but Mother Bates violated Allturd boy for being an ass Kisser
He’s A Lesbian violated Mother Bates for using Roberts Rules of Order in the circle (He yelled out “Point of order!” when he violated ATB). There were a few more, but I was trying to remember what Mother Bate’s original hash name was since he mysteriously changed it somehow. Didn’t quite know that was possible, but I digress.
Someone else was violated because his wife dropped him off.
 
ANNOUNCEMENTS
Philly Full Moon H3 The next day, Cause was out laying trail (“So it’s a Live Hare?”-CYHMN).
BFM 200th run: Thurs 12-13-07, TBD, A to B.
Hash Ski trip. Sloppy Ho was very antsy about this since only she and Fiber Opdick were signed up for this. Have fun you two kids!
 
BONNER KARAOKE
 
Sloppy then decided that our time would be best spent at Bonners for Karaoke, so we headed over there. Once we all got there, we noticed that there were more hashers at the Karaoke then ran trail, but here’s the songs that were sung, at least until I stopped caring enough to take notes.
 
Europeen On Me Sang Avril Levine
Sloppy sang Steve Perry’s “Don’t Stop Believing” No please, stop. Enough with that song already.
Lick Hymen sang “I’ll Stop the world”. No folks he’s NOT gay.
 
During this time other hashers who were too late to even make circle showed up, one of them with an off duty Philly cop, who ran up and sang Yellow Ledbetter by Pearl Jam so well, that he immediately prompted all the female hashers to start ovulating immediately, prompting this remark by someone, “Oh he is SO getting laid tonight.”
 
Segue to:
 
OVERHEARD AT THE HASH
 
“It violate him too if my farts smelled like that”
“It would be so magical”
                        -Skin Fiddle and someone else
 
“Listen Junior! PAUSE OK, so I’m a cougar; big fucking deal!”
                        -Europeen on Me.
 
“I would rather lick an ashtray”

                        -Sloppy

At that point the night grew dim. Apparently someone stole Sloppy’s card, and ran a bunch of charges up on it, which pissed her off to no end. In an unrelated story an anonymous donor contributed $2,354.95 each to the campaigns of Rudy Giuliani and John McCain.

On, on,

He’s a Lesbian

 
 

categories Trash

Hockey Hashing in Manayunk

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By Up Her Ali November 11, 2007
Why am I writing the trash?
            Well, let me tell you this sad and sordid tale. I arrived early (Sin #1) at T Hogan’s, a little dive bar in Manayunk that features, of all things, free Wifi (who the hell is gonna surf the internet while getting sloshed?) as well as $6.00 pitchers. Now if you do the math, even allowing for a dollar tip per serving, this means that under the current hash cash standards this equals roughly a pitcher per hasher. By this arithmetic, it means things could get ugly and they did.
            Now I had shown up with the intention of finding out where Stan had gone and who stole the little slut out of my backpack. Wanna have fun? Try explaining to a co-worker that someone had stolen your Dora the Explorer doll, out of your army backpack, at a gay bar, while you were busy watching a tranny-show.
            Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I was explaining why I was doing the trash. While I was sitting in there, minding my own business and chatting with Soft Core Analyst, and having a serious discussion on the benefits of an iphone and free Wifi in a bar, two transplants from Every Day Is Wednsday (Just John and Just Mike, it took me a few hours to tell the two apart) showed up and wondered where everybody was. Just then, our fearless leader, Hold The Sausage scampered in, made a beeline towards my perch and, smiling a big toothy grin, unceremoniously thrust a bag of flower into my hands and gleefully told me I would be the acting GM, RA and On Sec for the evening. The following conversation ensued as I enthusiastically took charge of my responsibilities:
            “What the fuck? Why me?!”
            “There’s no one else you dumb shit.” Neglecting the fact that SCA was right there next to us. 
Sausage then went on to explain that no one else in mismanagement would be there since. A. She was gong to play hockey, B Sloppy was teaching homeless children to read, B. Holy Fuck and Europeen on Me were out socializing. C. Scooby was in a Turkish prison for trying to help the Peshmerga (my notes may have gotten confused with the Drudge Report, Damn Iphone sync problems), and everyone and anyone else of any importance was playing hockey down the street.. Hockey on a hash night! WTF! I can understand missing a hash because of other obligations, military commitments, death in the family, hangovers, getting laid, nuclear winter, but a hockey game? Hell it’s not like they are any good. Besides hockey isn’t even a sport, because Canadians are good at it. (George Carlin’s rules).
None of this would have happened while Winkie was here. He was the glue who held us together, who knew?
Now I am so far down on the hash food chain, it was comparable to the director of FEMA being made President. And, while our GM’s rule may have been compared to the Bush administration, I was bound and determined not to have the hash look like post Katrina New Orleans. In fact it turned out worse.
Anyway, as I attempted to break a small straw, we decided that we would just choose the next person who schlepped in. Wunderkind S&M Man was the lucky winner. At least he actually knew the area. SCA was volunteered to help him lay trail. Sausage let them know where the rest of the hash would be playing hockey and she thought it was a great idea to have him lay the trail next to the game, and to crash their bar for a beer check. In true hasher tradition, my suggestion was for him to lay the trail THROUGH the flippin game. Off S&M man eagerly went, returning a few seconds later to ask, “Hey where am I going again?”
In the meantime our Kazakhstan connection; Snap Off and her man toy, Wizard wandered in with their virgin Just Natasha (Moose and Squirrel made her come. I will keep telling that joke until someone laughs). Snap Off had discovered a bubble maker and was blowing bubbles all over the bar. It was cute really, like when you give a three year old a loaded gun. So after a while we realized that we would actually have a small hash.
Here’s who actually ran the trail. Soft Core Analyst, He’s A Lesbian, 3 balls, Just Mike, Just John, Snap Off, Wizard, Just Natasha, Cousin It, Virgin Pimp, S&M Man. That’s it,
I went outside and gave a quick chalk talk, damn near rupturing myself trying to mimic Sloppy’s patented kick. After I got done trying to explain the trail and listening to Snap Off translate it to Just Natasha (she pointed to me, said something in Kazakstanian, and made Just Natasha laugh, it HAD to be an explanation of the symbols, sure it was), away we went.
 
THE TRAIL
 
The two transplants revealed themselves to be FRBs and they quickly found the first of the 2,546 false trails that S&M Man and SCA left for us. The trail went down to the train station and down to Main St and into Manayunk.
Let me just comment on the trail. These two sadistic pricks had a false at EVERY check. Nothing like running uphill (and the hills in Manayunk go straight up and down) for about 300 meters, reaching the crest, panting and puking up cheap beer only to see an “F” waiting.
Bastards.
The trail wound its way down Main Street up to the hockey rink where the infamous Moose Knuckles were playing hockey (I guess Camel Toes was already taken?). I saw that S&M man had laid the trail perfectly according to plan and sure enough there was a dob of flower in the center of the court. As I ran up, I saw Strap On, and E=MC2 who screamed at me, “Don’t go in unless you have a stick!”
So I jumped in.
Now, Everyone and I mean EVERYONE cursed at me. Wow, they were PISSED! Two guys came running up to me brandishing hockey sticks and it looked like they were going to kick my ass, so I jumped back across, while a few people made comments about my mother.
Think of the irony of this: Here, on a normal night, there is no problem with taking the trail through 30th St Station, the Concourse, Drexel Univ’s main building, Independence Hall, City Hall, the US Mint, St paddy’s Day Parade, or anywhere else. But, the hockey-hashers went apoplectic when it looked like someone would run through their game. It’s not like they were winning!
Anyway, now that I have pissed off everyone with my comments, back to the trail. I followed it up to the bar, where a very forlorn S&M Man stood outside with a “What do I do now?” look stating that he wasn’t allowed in without ID. Now in all defense to the bouncer, S&M man does look like he’s 12. I mean 3 Balls and I were allowed in with no problem. This was probably because both of us look like we belong in the Creepy-Old-Man-in-the-Club gang. Either way the beer check turned into a False Beer check.
We decided to wait to tell everyone, but we were missing a few. The Kazakhstan girls had discovered a Spice Shop across the street and drug poor wizard I there with them while they had a Spice Check. Veryyyyy NIiiiiiiiiccceee.
S&M Man then told me he had run out of flower. As I was about to suggest he use a rock to mark the trail, he quickly scribbled ON IN on the sidewalk (pretty young girl walking by- “What the hell is that for?”), and away we went back to the bar. 
 
CIRCLE
Once we got in, we bought our pitchers and opened the circle. Again, I suffered a groin pull trying to kick and the following was noted:
HARES: S&M Man, Soft Core Analyst
FIRST IN/LAST IN; Just John, Cousin It
VIRGIN: Just Natasha (Wizard and Snap Off made her come)
COMES LATELYS: 3 Balls and Cousin It
AUTO HASHERS: No one, they all had driven away to the hockey game. Bastards
VIOLATIONS:
WIZARD: having cheese fries delivered to him in the circle and not sharing
SNAP OFF: for not knowing why this was a violation, and JUST NATASHA for the “when one person from Kazakhstan drinks” rule.
That was it, as far as I could see. So the circle was closed for the first time. I breathed a sigh of relief for almost making it through my first stint as an acting RA.
Then the Hockey Hashers arrived.
 
CIRCLE 2.
 
HOCKEY HASHERS: E=MC2, The Rash, Up Her Ali, The Horse Whacker, Jingle Balls, 2 Clump, Rear Engineer, Holt the Sausage, Fire Down Under, and Tickle My Elmo. 
 
E attempted to claim that since they were technically on trail, they didn’t have to drink. Now I’m sorry but being on trail and having the trail go through your event is not the same. That’s like a Mexican saying he’s an American because some drunken gringos staggered into his Tijuana Donkey Show. Drink up.
 
The circle was re reopened again for announcements, about Festivus, and the AGM for the Philly hash, as well as some other thing, but here’s where my notes get fuzzy. More beers were ordered and the hash descended into typical post circle activity which included drinking, dart playing, cock blocking, pool playing, gossiping, goat slaying, staggering and general debauchery.
 
OVERHEARD AT THE HASH
“I had a dream I owned a bar with monkeys”
“Don’t tell me that, I am scared to death of monkeys”
                                    -E=MC2 conversing with HTS
 
“What the fuck are you doing?”
“It smells like my right hand in there.”
                                    -2 unk hashers.
 
“Oddly enough, men have a flossila that allows them to talk out their ass.”
                                    -Rash
 
“It was bad that I was with my gynecologist and he asked me “What the fuck is THAT?””
                                    -Rash (sharing WAY too much)
 
“To me sweat pants with elastic ankles are FAAAAABULOUS!”
                                    -Hold the Sausage
 
“I’ll On On this stick up your fucking ass!”
                                    -Unk hockey player to He’s A Lesbian
 
 

categories Trash

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