This week’s Hash commenced in Northern Liberties at the Druid’s Keep. 

Who came: Ass Ventura, Tickle My Elmo, Beefcake Stokeitoff, Deep Discunt, Fruit of the Clue, Dog Man, Where’s My Vagina?, Mediocre and  Stupid, Snap-off, Son of a Goatfucker, Softcore Analyst, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Working Girl, Sleeps Around the Cock, Panic Button, Hold the Sausage, Holy Fuck, Rear Engineer, Just Bill, 2 Clump Chump, Short Distance Rimmer, Bitchard, Grab My Handlebars, 1 Inch In, Big Tackle, Just Martin, Gayzelle, Cause 4 Blindness, Goes Down Often, Flounder, Cousin It, Up Her Ali, just Rick, Subcuntinent, Just Steve, Just Dieter, Just Derek, Just Tom, Just Shannon, Goes Down Often

Holy Fuck and Panic Button hared, and little did the mob know what it was in for.    Trail wound around Northern Liberties, through the Liberties Walk and/or Piazza, and then headed south, past McFadden’s, Paddy’s, and any number of perfectly acceptable beer checks.   At the small wooded area near, well, Wood Street, they led trail up rocks and hills and then jerked the trail right back down again.  Typically hares lead the pack through the various hobo camps in that area, but those wily hares tricked the mob while courteously letting the homeless drink in peace. 

Trail went straight past Sugar Mom’s with no “Beer Near.”  After a circle jerk off 3^rd street, the trail passed Drinkers, and again there was no “Beer Near.”     At this point there was a little hysteria among the pack until trail headed north on 2^nd street (making it the biggest circle jerk of all) where a beautiful BN was found and, much to the relief of the pack and the detriment of the bar’s usual patrons, the beer check was indeed at Sugar Mom’s.    There the hashers pounded very large cans of PBR to cool off after the long trail and the discovery that the Eagles had just signed Michael Vick.

Trail then went On In to Druid’s Keep where hashers strategically and malodorously positioned themselves in the path of air conditioning vents.   The RAs then ordered everyone out back for a rare legal and loud outside
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Circle:

Hares: Holy Fuck and Panic Button

Virgins: Just Dieter (Derek and Tom), Just Shannon (Subcuntinent), Just Tom (ibid)

Visitors:

Dog Man (we lost him on trail and he didn’t find his way back to the bar until the end of Circle.  Apparently when you see “On In” at an Alabama Hash, the trail doesn’t continue for another mile and a half.)

Just Derek (PH3), told a joke that would have been funny had he kept it this short (and trust me this is comparatively short): A penguin is having some car troubles so he takes his car to a mechanic.  While waiting for the mechanic’s estimate, the penguin buys a vanilla ice cream cone and, because of his poor flipper-grip, gets the ice cream all over his face and flippers.   When the mechanic finished evaluating the penguin’s car, he found the penguin and said, “Looks like you blew a seal.” And the penguin said, “No, no.  It’s just ice cream.”

Just Tom (told the Michael Jackson joke from last week and lost some major points with the hash)

1st in: Snap-off

Last in:  Dog Man

Cums Lateleys: Holy Fuck, Panic Button, Beefcake Strokeitoff, Ass Ventura, Tickle My Elmo, Gayzelle, Deep Discunt, Handlebars, 1 Inch In, Bitchard, Just Rick

Auto Hashers: Flounder, Cause, Cousin It, GDO, Just Shannon, Just Steve, Subcuntinent

Violation: Just Rick – hat

Accusations (there are a lot; you really don’t have to read them all):

Bonsai Bush for being a racist

Where’s My Vagina? for tech on trail and for keeping tabs on 1.)Trail length 2.) Time at the beer check 3.) Total time on trail   (In fact, she kept tabs on everything but her vagina)

Snap-off: over-achieving FRB (When she returned from the beer check she ran around the block so she wouldn’t be “too ahead” of the rest of the pack.)

Deep Discunt for wearing a pearl necklace

Rear accused Just Steve of depriving the Hash of Subcuntinent

Rimmer for not liking Cousin It’s meat

Cousin it for not having enough meat

Just Derek and Just Tom had to drink from their shoes for not telling their virgin not to wear new shoes

Tranny for warning Just Derek and Just Tom who were in their socks and about to drink from their shoes not to step in the pool of beer that had collected on the ground during this long-ass circle

Soft-core for making Big Tackle miss the Phillies

Working Girl and Sleeps around the Cock for eating cookies on trail

1 Inch In for seeing a playground on trail, saying, “Oooh! Playground!”, and then getting locked inside

Gayzelle for draining the lizard on trail

Bonsai and Handlebars for promised shirtlessness without delivery (technically they took off their tops, but not their sports bras, and in the Phallocentric reign, this just doesn’t cut the mustard)

Gayzelle for sporting a Kutztown fencing t-shirt

GDO for not remembering how to ride a bike

MediStu for saying she read “every second” of an article

Announcements:

The dynamic duo “Often Stupid” will be haring a Back to School i.e. Naughty Coed hash for the Full Moon (Friday August 21^st @ Krupa’s – 27^th and Brown)

Circle ended much to the joy of the hashers as well as the surrounding neighborhood.    Afterwards a random South Carolinian approached our group and asked for a volunteer to be photographed wearing an ugly, frilly, pink shirt which would then be posted on a website dedicated to ugly, frilly, pink shirts.   Fruit of the Clue stepped up and in to the shirt, and about 15 hashers gathered around to join in the picture only to find that the battery had died in the S. Carolinian’s camera.   So alas, unless you were there, you’ll never see Fruit looking as pink or as frilly.  But, take heart; I hear he’s looking for the running shorts equivalent to that shirt.  

On, On,

Little Red Riding Wood

On this Thursday, the Ben Franklin Mob celebrated the 2^nd Annual Muff Fest, hosted by Muff the Magic On Sec: Mr. Snuffleupamuff!

Muff Fest was inspired by the real Muff Festival that began 29 years ago in the small town of Muff, Ireland.  It’s a mostly wholesome gathering of townspeople to enjoy sports, beer, dancing, etc.  But put that same idea into the head of a hasher and see how he r*ns with it: 

Who came: Cause for Blindness, Flounder, Just Dave, Just Marty, Hold the Sausage, Short-Distance Rimmer, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Reginal Discharge, Europeen’ On Me, S&M Man, Snap-off, Fruit of the Clue, Just Jess, Soft-core Analist, Lunar Digit, 2 Clump Chump, Just JD, Where’s My Vagina, Fire Down Under, Son of a Goatfucker, Bonsai Bush, Piss Cycle, Dr. Squealgood,  One Night Only, Pedalphile, Target, Pound My Bottom, Virgin Pimp, Just Jill, E=MyCock², Goes Down Often, Mediocre and Stupid, Strap-on

The mob ventured out to the wilds of Chestnut Hill for this special occasion, because, in general, hashers will do anything for muff.      

Trail weaved in and out of the upper crust restaurants on The Hill, with Hashers spraying sweat and profanities as they passed.  (Several of the restaurants are now undergoing investigation for multiple health code violations.)    After passing a neighborhood where God would live if only he had the money, the mob entered Fairmont Park for a beer check.  The Old English went very well with all that old money, and, recharged, the hashers charged on.   Trail continued on through Mt. Airy, passing multiple train stations and underage youth looking for beer, before returning to the Muff Castle.  There, Hashers were greeted with beer while Hold the Sausage fended off bands of irate parents who were trying to put their children to bed.  

Inside, Reginal Discharge and Mr. Snuffleupamuff served a rare treat to BFMers: real food.  After tasting Muff’s homecookin’ and shots of Muff’s homebrew, the mob was geared up for the

Circle:

Hares: Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Reginal Discharge

Visitors/Virgins: Pound My Bottom – didn’t sing, Just Dave (Bottom made him come) – showed his nipple, Just Marty (Beer made him cum) – told a joke: Autopsy found that Michael Jackson died of food poisoning: he had eaten 12 year old nuts.

FRB: Pedalphile

DFL: Cause for Blindness, One Night Only

Cums Latelys: Cause for Blindness, Piss Cycle, MediStu, Flounder, Where’s My Vagina, Europeen’ On Me, Pedalphile, Lunar Digit

Auto-Hashers: Virgin Pimp, MediStu, Goes Down Often

Accusations:

Hares for something that “clogs easily” 

Muff accused Pisscycle for not living up to her name

Snap-off for a r*cist T-shirt

Bonsai Bush’s husband for claiming that a chipmunk ate the false

Violation: Bonsai’s hubby for wearing a hat

Muff returned Lunar Digit’s boots that had been left there 2 years ago; they didn’t explain why; no one asked

E=MyCock² for dressing twice during the hash

Pisscycle and Fruit of the Clue – R*cists, both of them

Snap-off for not providing Vodka at her Vodka party

MediStu, Pedalphile – for not sharing MediStu’s boob with everyone

Goes Down Often for her Marilyn Monroe impersonation

Announcements: Mr. Snuffleupamuff has a loved-one with Multiple Sclerosis, so he will be participating in the MS 150 City to Shore Bike Tour.  If you would like to donate to his team, please click here. 

Cousin It’s Phillies tailgate will be held August 2010.

After circle, muffcakes were served, which are peach cupcakes that look remarkably like vaginas.   They prompted the following remarks:

Question: Where’s my vagina?

Answer: In the cupcakes.

Try these; they look like vaginas and taste even better!

For any poor sops who couldn’t make it to Muff Fest 2009, you can view the trail at this link, then take a train to Chestnut Hill West and r*n the trail by yourself.    Keep in mind that if you do, there will be no beer and we’ll all laugh at you.

And, regardless of whether or not you were there, you can get a great t-shirt if you click here. 

Finally, if you ever do go to the Muff Festival in Ireland, you can also stop by the Muff Diving Club and get their classic t-shirts, or the other Muff Diving Club and get their classic t-shirts.

Overheard at the Hash: 

There are no vegetarian Italians.

While the Mob crooned the Hot Vagina Song, Just Dave was overheard whispering to Pound My Bottom, “This is amazing.”  Clearly a man of low standards–he should fit in nicely.

On, On,

Little Red Riding Wood

As happens to all On Secs at least once during their tenure, I have lost my notes, so I will try to piece together what I vaguely remember from that night. 

It was a pub crawl, that much I know.  Who came? Not many.   In fact, I’d like to take this opportunity to remind people that this is a Drinking Club that happens to have a r*nning problem.  So anyone not on the following list (minus those who came, but aren’t on the list; plus those who are on the list but were not actually there), should start asking him/herself:  Am I really Hasher material?

Rear, Fruit, Rash, 2 Clump, Goes Down Often, GDO’s sister, Just Ross or Just Russ (2 Clump’s Brother), WonderBlow, Jingle Ballzzz, MediStu, Just Rachel (who has since been named “Does it with Handlebars” or some other name involving “Handlebars”), Cause for Blindness, Flounder, 2^nd Cumming, One Inch In, Virgin Pimp, Festering Beanie Baby, Midnight Tranny, and Just Jill; yep, Just Jill was definitely there. 

We gathered at The Irish Times and live Irish music played in the background as we finished our first few pints.    I was informed that Handlebars’ recent/soon-to-be birthday would require a side-side that night, and, since she was wearing a halter dress, several hashers were salivating at the prospect of some potential side-boob.   Goes Down Often then led the mob to a grassy field between I-95 and Columbus Blvd. for a gnat and mosquito ridden circle. 

 Rear Engineer led us in song and dance:

 Hare:  Goes Down Often

 Cums Latelys: Festering Beanie Baby, Virgin Pimp, GDO’s sister

 Accusations: there were a few but none memorable enough after 2 weeks

 Side-Side: Handlebars

Announcements: most have already passed, with the exception of the Cousin It Phillies tailgate, which will commence on August 8^th

As mosquitoes bit one hasher after the next, people started wondering nervously if mosquitoes could pass on any blood transmitted diseases.  After circle, we continued crawling, first to The New Wave Café, and then to Woolley Mammoth’s.     It was at the New Wave that I learned about the death of Michael Jackson, who died that day, and Michael Jackson, who apparently died 2 years ago.   Appropriately, the night was filled with songs from the Jackson 5, Thriller, etc. and lots and lots of beer. 

On, On,

LRRW

I entered Drinkers Tavern and immediately saw Atilla the Hung wearing a fetching FUKUDOME T-shirt.  I knew it would be a special night.

Who came: Fruit of the Clue, Midnight Tranny, Cause for Blindness, Flounder, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Reginal Discharge, Atilla the Hung, Big Tackle, Sex Denied Tonight, Shitty Date, Just Peter, Just Aimee, Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, Silence of the Clam, Mediocre & Stupid, Swollen Cockpit, Target, Rear Engineer, The Rash, Ass Ventura, Just Brian, E=MyCock², Snap-off, Heave Ho, Just Jill, WonderBlow, Cousin It, Bonsia Bush, H2Ho, Dr, Squealgood, Fire down Below, Soft-core Analyst, Where’s My Vagina?, Just Shane, 2 Clump Chump, Son of a Goatfucker, 2^nd Cumming, Cleavage to Beaver,  Goes Down Often, Cherry Poppins, Just Alex, Working Girl

Midnight Tranny and WonderBlow set out to lay trail.  After Sausage’s very authoritative chalk talk, the mob headed deeper into olde city.  Trail went under a nasty-ass smelling tunnel before leading toward Franklin Square where a classy shindig was going on.  The mob of course ran right through the middle of it, causing fear and general disarray. 

Trail continued, and we were just west of Chinatown before I started to suspect that something terrible had happened.    We were still heading away from the bar, it had been 30 minutes of trail with no beer check, and E was missing.  Now for all you newbies, this can only mean one thing: E caught the hares and we were in for a long-ass, beerless trail.    Sure enough, 2 blocks later I saw Tranny and Wonderblow standing on a corner waiting for the pack.  At 15^th and Race, we could see Westy’s in the distance, and there was a short debate on whether or not to have an impromptu beer check.  Instead, some naïve ones said, “No, let’s not have one now.   E will lead the pack to a beer check soon enough.”  Fools, all of us!  Trail crossed Logan Square, then up toward Rittenhouse Square before heading back to the bar in essentially a straight line for 19 blocks.

Circle:

Hares: Midnight Tranny, WonderBlow, E=MyCock²

Virgins: Just Shane (Just Brian), Just Devin (Cleavage to Beaver), Just Steve (Ibid)

First in: Cousin It

Last in: Muff

Cums latelies: Heave Ho, Atilla the Hung, STD, E=MyCock², (Tranny and WonderBlow)

Autohashers: Goes Down Often, Cherry Poppins, 2^nd Cumming, Reginal Discharge, Fruit of the Clue, Just Alex

Accusations:

Heave Ho (Race tag 269 on her shoe)

Reginal Discharge for something, probably racing (2 Clump was her proxy)

Medi-Stu for impersonating a Jew (she had a Kazakhstani/elaborate-looking-yamaka-ish hat on)

Bay 2 Breakers crew drank for leaving Stan in Monterey, CA: Where’s My Vagina?, Muff, Softcore, Fruit, Medi-Stu, Reginal Discharge

H2Ho for r*nning a race before this night’s hash

Birthdays: Ass Ventura and Reginal Discharge

Contest: Most Embarrassing Naked Moment

W inners were Where’s my Vagina? for naked quad racing, Bonsai Bush for titty-flashing her father at her wedding,  and Cleavage 2 Beaver for skinny dipping with coworkers, which made for interesting water-cooler talk the following Monday

Announcements:

June 11^th Prom at TA Flannery’s

June 13^th going away party for Cherry Poppins (tentatively a barbeque at 2 Clump Chump’s place, ask around for more reliable details)

June 18^th- Solstass in Manayunk

After Circle, Beaver sang the mob a new song, this time about Stan (lyrics to be posted eventually).  There was also a lot of spanking, breast touching, and twat shots which prompted the following remarks:

1: We could probably film a BFM porn.

2: What would you call it?

1: On, On Top

On, On,

Little Red Riding Wood

The Bar:  Gallagher’s

The Mob: The Rash, We’re Not Voting, Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, Big Tackle, Fruit of the Clue, Ass Ventura, Deep Discunt, Target, Nappy Headed Ho, Midnight Tranny, Wonder Blow, Soft-core Analist, H₂Ho, Working Girl, Son of a Goatfucker, Goes Down Often, Silence of the Clam, Rear Engineer, Cleavage to Beaver, Just Greg, Lizardo, Bonsai Bush, Mediocre & Stupid, Swollen Cockpit, Post Anal Drip, Beefcake Stroke-it-off, Sextra Credit, Just Jen, Just Caleb, Just Brian, Just Becky, Skin Fiddle, Jingle Ballzzz, Cousin It, Subcuntinent, Holy Fuck, Bumble Beaver, Snap off, One Inch In, Shitty Day, Virgin Pimp, Can You Hear Me Now

The Trail: The hares laid chalk-talk marks near the entrance of the bar, but due to a new Anti-Half-Mind city ordinance, our civic-minded Grand Master, Rear Engineer, had to lead the pack at least 50 feet away from the front door.  In absence of flour, Rear, in a very masculine way, demonstrated the marks through interpretive dance, and then ungently sent the mob into the good night. 

The pack charged west along the Parkway when a check appeared near the Rocky (aka Art Museum) stairs.  The Rash, seeing a few stray marks, headed straight to the top of the steps, yawning at the predictability of the trail, life, the universe, and everything.  Ah Rash! Ah, Humanity!

But wait…the hares had a surprise: about halfway up the steps, they laid a true trail arrow pointing south.   After some meandering, the mob eventually caught on and trail resumed.   Another check appeared at the beginning of the Spring Garden Bridge, which is also the top of an almost slightly treacherous hill.  Several hashers peered down the hill, twiddled their thumbs, stared blankly, declared, “I’m not going down there” and wet themselves before a brave harriette dared to descend and found the next check. 

Trail then led up a newly constructed jackknife ramp which stretches across a truly perilous rockface before meandering its way toward Krupa’s where hashers enjoyed a much deserved beer check.   Some followed trail back to the bar while others went directly On-In.  After an evening of peril and drama, the mob was geared up for the

Circle

The Hares: Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer

The Virgins: Just Brian (Wonder Blow), Just Jen (Ibid), Just Caleb (Ibid), Just Melissa (Just Julie), Just Becky (Midnight Tranny), Just Kelly (Shitty Day)

The Visitor: Lizardo (opted to show a body part and in return received a resounding “Wax that ass!” from the crowd)

The FRB: Silence of the Clam

The DFLs: Deep Discunt, One Inch In

Cums Latelys: Skin Fiddle, Sextra Credit, Post Anal Drip, LRRW (Goes Down Often for when one On Sec drinks…)

Autohashers: Skin Fiddle, Fruit of the Clue, Jingle Ballzzz, Cousin It, Holy Fuck, Subcuntinent, Bumble Beaver

Accusations:

Fruit of the Clue for kicking Rocky Balboa

Little Red Riding Wood for being named after the bar (Goes Down Often and The Rash for when one On Sec drinks…)

The Rash for impersonating a Texan (Goes Down Often and LRRW for when one On Sec drinks…)

Working Girl for r*nning the Boston Marathon in under 3 hours

Shitty Day and Fruit of the Clue for something or other (Subcuntinent and Just Melissa for when one Texan drinks…)

Sausage had a Birthday Side-Side

Virgin Pimp as a late cumming autohasher (all autohashers drank)

Post Anal Drip for wearing a r*cist shirt

Announcements: 

May 8^th – Philly Full Moon H3 @ Krupa’s (27^th and Brown). It’s a BASH, so don’t forget to bring a helmet, and if you have one, a bicycle.

June 11^th – BFM 5^th Annual Prom

If you were strip searched between 2003 and 2007 in the city of Philadelphia Prison System, you may be eligible to receive $3,000 from a class action suit.  More details at www.PhiladelphiaStripSearch.com

On, On,

LRRW

This evening’s hash began at the Triangle Tavern, which is located on a magical 5 point intersection where, according to long-time-no-see BFM hasher Skinfiddle, if you stand at just the right moment, and the crosswinds are blowing in just the right way, you can smell both Pat’s cheese steaks and Dunkin’ donuts at the same time.  

Who came:

Sly Fox, Where’s My Vagina?, Softcore Analyst, Swollen Cockpit, Cherry Poppins, 2 Clump Chump, Mediocre & Stupid, Deep Discunt, Fire Down Below, Scooby Snatch, We’re not Voting, Goes Down Often, Mayor Quimby, Just Kyle, Just Sean, Fruit of the Clue, Beef Strokeitoff, Over Easy, Holy Fuck, Cleavage to Beaver, Mother Bates, Just Lisa, Just Theresa, 3 Balls, Dr. Squealgood, Midnight Tranny, Just Kurt, Just Keith, Just Gregg, Shitty Day, H2Ho, Cousin It, Target, Virgin Pimp, Rear Engineer, The Rash, Karawackoff, Ass Ventura,

Trail headed North, then east, then north, then east, then east some more, then south, then east then south, then west, etc.  At each direction change and after no more than 2 flour marks was a check.     After meandering in this fashion for some 40 minutes, the hashers were getting rather parched, and since they were promised a beer check, they were also getting mad, and a little desperate, “Where the hell is the beer check?”    I happened to have some insider information, so when I noticed that the hares laid a true trail arrow pointing away from the beer, I directed part of the pack to Sly Fox’s house where the hares had not yet been.   Always the host, the lovely Sly Fox distributed very cold beers to very hot hashers and there was much rejoicing.   The rest of the pack made it to the beer check somehow, and I found out later that the hares had mistakenly asked for directions from a South Philly youth, which is never a good idea. 

 “On In” was called from Sly Fox’s living room, and we headed back to the Triangle Tavern, where, in keeping with the geometric theme, Scooby started the

Circle

Hares: Fire Down Under, Where’s My Vagina

Virgins: Just Sean (Dr. Squealgood)

                Just Derek (Swollen Cockpit

                Just Calell (Ibid)

Visitors: Kerowackoff (From San Diego H3; showed his beer belly and made 3 attempts to sing “I Used to Work in Chicago).    Lyrics are provided below for everyone’s future reference.  

Violation: Kerowackoff for wearing a hat and messing up the Chicago song

1^st in: Ass Ventura

Last in: Fruit of the Clue

Auto-hashers: The Rash, Rear Engineer, Hold the Sausage, We’re Not Voting, Short-Distance Rimmer, Just Gregg, Virgin Pimp

Cums Latelys: Deep Discunt, Swollen Cockpit, Cleavage to Beaver, Over Easy, Cousin It, 3 Balls, Beef Strokeitoff

Accusations:

Hares for showing up at the beer check last 

Swollen Cockpit for only bringing “dude” virgins to the hash.  (Several Harriettes objected to this accusation citing acceptable hash behavior, but Rear, in all of his testosterone-laden glory, decreed that during his Phallocentric Reign, bringing dudes to the hash is unacceptable, and therefore, the accusation should stand.) 

Scooby for messing up a song

Holy Fuck for doing her “speed-work” at the Hash

Fruit of the Clue for singing a lame-ass song

We’re Not Voting for not wanting to get sweaty

Birthdays: Midnight Tranny and Mayor Quimby.     The girls almost dropped Tranny, and then they tied his shoes together.    After Tranny’s side-side, The Mayor put his hand on Tranny’s shoulder and said,   “That’s why you always wear sandals to the hash on your Birthday.”  Of course his plan backfired when, during his side-side, someone stole his flip-flops. 

2 Namings:

For Just Theresa, a federal agent whose favorite farm animal is a pig, the pack was able to come up with an array of catchy names: Swamp Ass, Agent Ass, Agent Swass, Inspector General, Inspect Her Ass, Inspect Her Gadget, Inspect Her Vagina, Inspect Her Genitals, Agent Whorage, Special Agent Whore, and Silence of the Clam.   In the end, Silence of the Clam was deemed most appropriate.

But the creative juices were not flowing as well when we tried to name Just Lisa: Fist-Him-A-Lot, Naked Sphincter, Wrist Deep, Bonsai Bush, Cums on Her Own, Harwood, Wax-On Wacks-Off, Rimmer I Just Met Her, Karate Cunt, Wristy McClit, Wrist and Reward.     None of these names really called out to the Hash, and so Just Lisa stood up, saddened by going yet another week unnamed. Then, some pertinent information was revealed: her maiden name is Bush.  So without further adieu, Rear set her on her knees and declared her Bonsai Bush.

 Announcements:

April 10^th: Philly Full Moon presents Hot Chicks with Douchebags hared by Holy Fuck and Up Her Ali @ Bonner’s 7:30 SHT

April 11^th: PH3 Hash #1630 hared by Butt Lite and Cousin It, starts at 3:30 in Huntington Valley

April 23^rd: Students Run Philly Fundraiser/Drinkabration @ Public House (from 6-8pm, $10 cover)

May 3^rd: Sly Fox Brewery Goat Races are coming up, so if you have a goat, register it now. 

June 27^th: Bruceapalooza

Philly Runner Beer Mile has been postponed. 

After the circle, songs were sung, dances danced, doughnuts distributed, and not 1 but 2 lucky Hashers were kissed by local barfly Just Lacey (2 kisses each might I add).  All in all it was quite a night.

Overheard at the Hash:

Fruit of the Clue while massaging Deep Discunt’s ass, “It’s her sciatica, I promise.” 

Masturbation is fun at first, but then you realize that you’re just fucking yourself. -unk harriette

Hasher : I’m sorry. My ass hit your hand.

Harriette: I was aiming for your crotch.

On On,

Little Red Riding Wood

I Used to Work in Chicago

CHORUS:
I used to work in Chicago, in an old department store.
I used to work in Chicago, but I don’t work there anymore.

A woman came in for a computer (a computer from the store)
A computer she wanted; my Wang she got, and I don’t work there anymore.

A man came in for a telephone (a telephone from the store)
A.T.& T. he wanted; T.I.T. he got, and I don’t work there any more.

AND: a woman came in for a(n):

Irish airlilne ticket from the store, Air Lingus she wanted, cunnilingus she got
doughnut – glazed she wanted. cream filled she got
brass taps she wanted, golden shower she got
Beefeater Gin she wanted, eat her I did
cigarette she wanted, my pipe she got
butter she wanted, spread she got
translator she wanted, cunning linguist she got
diamond choker she wanted, pearl necklace she got
A ruler she wanted, 12 inches she got
Some lettuce she wanted, head she got!
Some Shakespeare she wanted, Dickens she got!
piano she wanted, my organ she got
chips she wanted, lays she got
muscle car she wanted, my hot rod she got
elevator – my shaft
carpet – laid
spring – BOINGed
screwdriver – screwed
hammer – nailed
carpet – pile she wanted, shagged she got
gun – banged
nylons – hosed
floppy disk – my hard drive
metaphysical conversation – fucked
velvet – felt
liquor – lick her I did
bolts – my nuts
sailors – semen
ham – porked
plastic – rubbers
plumbing – my pipe
canned ham – porked
seafood – crabs
fabric – felt

ALSO: a man came in for a:
balloon – blown
doughnut – my hole
lollipop – sucked
horse – ridden
carpet – shag he wanted, piles he got
wheels – rimmed
beer – Bush

I know that some over-achieving trash clowns have been posting trash on Fridays.  I am here to lower the bar.  

Earlier in the evening, I was visiting with long-time Philly H3er Meat Tenderized, who lives in Grey’s Ferry.   After listening to his reports on the recent upswing of muggings and pistol-whippings in the area, I made my way to the bar not without a little trepidation. (Now, don’t get me wrong.  I like being pistol-whipped as much as the next person, but I prefer to be unconscious after I drink, not before.) 

I arrived just in time to see the hares (Cleavage to Beaver and Goes Down Often) take off.  

Inside the bar, people were milling about: Son of a Goatfucker, Sly Fox, Jingle Ballzzz, Where’s My Vagina?, Softcore Analyst, Cunting Season, Tickle My Elmo, Festering Beanie  Baby, Swollen Cockpit, Cherry Poppins, Just Ed, S&M Man, Itemized Seduction, 2 Clump Chump, Mediocre & Stupid, Deep Discunt, Sextra Credit, Subcuntinent, Anal ProBoner, Nappy Headed Ho, Post-Anal Drip, Just Dave, Just Gabriel, Just Dan,  Jay Walker, Fire Down Below, Scooby Snatch, Bumble Beaver, Scammin’ Old Ladies, Heave-Ho, Just Lisa

Scooby called the pack together for a brief but informative chalk talk and sent the hashers out into the night.  Trail headed north in a straight line for a long time, a very long time.  

Round about 23^rd and Walnut, the pack got stuck at a check where the hares placed one of the furthest falses that I’ve seen at the BFM in years.   After being confounded at the check for some time, a giant arrow appeared as if by magic, and the pack was back on trail.  At 18^th and Spruce the loveliest of hash marks appeared, and we all piled into Anal ProBoner’s pad for a refreshing beer check.  There the shocking truth was revealed: we had split hares.  While her co-hare set the false, Cleavage to Beaver continued laying trail toward Logan Circle.  Goes Down Often, overcome with fear at suddenly realizing she was alone, bought a new bag of flour and redirected everyone to the beer check. 

Festering Beanie Baby volunteered to lay the 2^nd half of trail.   In what appears to be a new trend this year, the pack decided about a block into trail that they would go “On In,” leaving Festering Beanie Baby to continue his fruitless task alone.    Rear Engineer in one of his leader-like moments suggested that we turn back and find true trail.   Three poor fools blindly followed him: Tickle My Elmo, Just Ed, and yours truly, but we were rewarded for our loyalty with an impromptu beer check at Ten Stone.  When we finally got back to the bar, everything was prepared for the

Circle:

  Hares: Cleavage to Beaver, Goes Down Often, Festering Beanie Baby

 Virgins:  Just Ed who is a brewer. (Elmo made him cum all the way from Nebraska, quite a feat.)  Just Gabriel who, like OJ Simpson, is not a Jew. (Anal ProBoner made him cum.). Just Dan who is Nappy Headed Ho’s brother.  (Nappy made his brother cum, which was no surprise given his many years of support for the Philadelphia chapter of “Families for Incest.”)

 Visitor: Itemized Seduction from Princeton H3.  She sang “Let Me Entertain You.”

 First In: Deep Discunt (Cunting Season and Subcuntinent drank for “When one Cunt drinks…”)

 Last in: Tickle My Elmo

 Cums Lately: Cherry Poppins, Festering Beanie Baby

 Auto-hashers: Heave Ho, Nappy Headed Ho, Just Christine, Just Dan, (Just Gabe, Just Ed, for “When one virgin drinks…”)

 Violation: Scooby for repeating a song

 Accusations:

Anal Proboner accused the hares for not having a map (and something about “The Iraq” and “The South Africa” not having maps).

 Subcuntinent was accused for taking pictures while people were walking away from the circle. (Cunting Season and Deep Discunt drank for “When one Cunt drinks…)

 Jingle Balls for tech on trail.

 Softcore Analyst for spending too much money on gloves.

 H₂Ho for having an account on Hash Space 2 minutes after being named. (Heave Ho and Nappy for “When one Ho drinks…”)

 Violation: H₂Ho - hat

 Goes Down Often for being a frightened rabbit (LRRW for “When one On Sec drinks…”)

Announcements:

1.) Philly H3 on Saturday: Three Balls hared.

2.) Order tickets for Roller-Derby in advance because as Bumble Beaver (aka Teara NewOne) says, “We’re Hot Shit!”

3.) March 12^th BFM Green Dress Pre-Pre-Lube @ Westy’s

4.) March 13^th Full Moon Green Dress Pre-Lube @  Sugar Mom’s

5.) March 14^th Philly H3 Green Dress Hash @ Get Happy Pub (on Headhouse Square)

6.) March 15^th Fat Boy – Cleavage to Beaver and S&M Man (904 Pine Street)

6.) May 3^rd Goat Races at the Sly Fox Brewery in Phoenixville – it’s never too early to look forward to the Goat Races!

After circle, the bar had an open mic night, or what our illustrious GM calls “The BFM talent show.”  Locals were treated to Cleavage to Beaver’s “Filthy Dirty Song” (lyrics below so you can sing along next time), S&M Man’s infamous Scottish Song (lyrics below), and LRRW’s pseudo-Irish/Hasher song.

On On,

 Little Red Riding Wood

 
 Lyrics to the Filthy Nasty Song
(Music and Lyrics by Cleavage to Beaver)

Verse 1:
I tried to write a song about you, I couldn’t think of what to say.
The thoughts and words going through my head – they made me blush, they made me red
And while you might not really care to hear
About the dirty things I’d like to do to you, dear,
I went and wrote this filthy nasty song about you, anyway.

Verse 2:
I’m gonna meet you at the front door,
I’m gonna take you by the hand down the hall,
I’m gonna kiss you on your mouth,
And then I’ll work my way down south.
I’ll get down on my knees and pray
To the god in your pants to bless my day.
I’m gonna make you sing, I’m gonna make you hum,
I’m gonna make you scream, and then I’ll make you cum.

Chorus:
Y’know I really wanna do it. Oooh
So hurry up, let’s get down to it. Oooh
Oh, please don’t wait, just let me have a taste of you below your waist
Let me defile, debase you and sit on your face
Want you to stick your pole into my glory hole
I wanna do it. Oooh ooh oh.

Verse 3:
I’m gonna take you to the sofa,
I’m gonna strip you down naked, and then
I’m gonna dance around nice and slow,
Gonna writhe and squirm in a strip-tease show.
And when you finally think I’ve gone too far,
I’m gonna mount you and ride you like the beast you are.

Chorus

Bridge:
Oh, but maybe I’ve said too much about the places on you I’d like to touch.
Oh, but baby it’s be divine if you’d be my naughty valentine.
I could be your own personal slut,
I’ll even let you stick it in my butt.

Verse 4:
I’m gonna take you to the bedroom,
I’m gonna change into my leather and whips.
I’m gonna getcha on your hands and knees,
I’m gonna make you beg, I’m gonna make you plead.
I’ll spank you, whip you, tie you up
And then make you watch "Two Girls, One Cup."

Chorus

Verse 5:
We’ll try out every possible position, from number one to sixty-nine
We’ll defy taboos, we’ll flout tradition
We’ll break some laws, we’ll cross some lines,
We’ll explore the spectrum of pleasure and pain,
We’ll fuck so loud that the neighbors complain.

Chorus:
Y’know I really wanna do it. Oooh
So hurry up, let’s get down to it. Oooh
Oh, please don’t wait, just let me have a taste of you below your waist
Let me defile, debase you and sit on your face
Want you to stick your pole into my glory hole
I wanna do it. Oooh ooh oh. Oooh ooh oh. Oooh ooh oh

Scotsman Song

Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar on evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked that he drunk more than his share
He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh, ring di diddly I oh
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by
And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath the kilt
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh, ring di diddly I oh
I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath the kilt

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold, for them to see, beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh, ring di diddly I oh
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

They marveled for a moment, then one said we must be gone
Let’s leave a present for our friend, before we move along
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh, ring di diddly I oh
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show

Now the Scotsman woke to nature’s call and stumbled towards a tree
Behind a bush, he lift his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what’s before his eyes.
O lad I don’t know where you been but I see you won first prize
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
O lad I don’t know where you been but I see you won first prize