Mismanagement was trying something new this week. We were going to attempt to start the hash ‘on time’ and have the circle end at a decent hour. You can’t say we didn’t try.

(side note: MM stands for Mis Management. I thought that was understood, but based on the number of you who wrote back to me and said "what is MM?" I guess it is not.)

Hashers who showed up at Grumpy’s on time:
Where’s my Vagina?, Flounder, Grab my Handlebars, CYHMN?, Son of Goat F*cker, Sly Fox, Sloppy Ho, Cause for Blindness, Mediocre and Stupid, Big Tackle, Bonsai Bush, Queef, Tube Cock, S&M Man, Fire Down Under, One inch in, Just Steve, Just Laura, and Just Heather.

Big Tackle and Grab my Handlebars took off to lay trail exactly at 7:50 PM. The rest of us went outside for Chalk Talk which took place in front of the bar next to a bench. Not really a necessary detail to point out, except for that there was a man sitting on the bench playing a game of Suduko. And he stayed there, trying to concentrate while chalk talk went on around him. Impressive.

The 8:00PM start time must have really confused us because the first 6 blocks of this trail was a bizarro hash. Flounder solved the first three checks.  Where’s my Vagina was setting her watch in order to time herself.  Stoop sitters were actually sending us in the right direction.  Once we got to the 95 overpass we lost trail and things seemed normal again.  Somehow we found our way to Lyon’s Den for beer check #1.

Several things happened to make the on time start null and void.  There was play ground that everyone had to stop and climb all over.  There was an impromptu beer check at Triangle Park.  There was an official beer check at RAY’S HAPPY BIRTHDAY BAR!!!!  Just Laura was having so much fun that she kept hugging people.  The Phillies were beating the Yankees.  All forces working against a circle ending before 10. 

At this point in my notes someone took my pen when I wasn’t looking and wrote: "Just Heather said her crotch was too sweaty."  If someone wrote it down it must be true. 

Hares:  Big Tackle and Grab my Handlebars (special appearance by Son of Goat F*cker for catching the hares).

Virgins:  Just Laura (One Inch In) and Just Steve (Just Heather)

Long Time No See:  Queef, Sly Fox, Jingle Ballz, Cousin It

Bonsai Bush and MediStu: Pouring beers from a Miller Lite VORETX bottle into cups…defeating the whole point of the Vortex bottle.

MM: Starting the hash on time and then being defeated by 3 beer checks anyway

Jingle Ballz: showing up late two weeks in a row wearing a bathing suit. What are you doing on Thursday nights?

Tube Cock: making One Inch In’s ass hurt without taking him to dinner first. 

With that, the Phillies beat the Yankess and hashers were high kicking off into the night.

The first (and possibly first annual) BFM Graffiti hash kicked off at T.A. Flannery’s, and we all kind of stood around looking at blank, white shirts. I guess no one had enough booze in them yet.

Who Came: Midnight Tranny, Grab My Handlebars, Just Jose, S & M Man, Cleavage to Beaver, Mr. Muff, Seizure Tits, Porn to Fail, Cause for Blindness, Fire Down Under, STD, Big Tackle, Anal Pro Boner, Mediocre and Stupid, He’s a Lesbian, Where’s My Vagina, Heave Ho, Tube Cock, Skin Fiddle, Whiskey Dick, and me, Sloppy Ho.

The trail was a bit tricky at first and we went back and forth in front of Flannery’s a few times before finally heading south. It was a sign of things to come as we basically re-traced our steps over and over again en route to Callahan’s at the foot of what was once the South Street Bridge. The Mob finally seemed to be over their writers block and dirty words and pictures of penises were starting to appear on the back of people’s shirts.

After the beer check we ran to the sacrificial lamb in the middle of Fitler Square, where Anal Pro Boner had arranged little cups of ‘vodka flavored water.’ Not being ones to pass up hydration opportunities, the Mob drank them down…except for one. We gave this lone soldier to Orlando, a self-described senior citizen with an Eastern European accent, who happened to stumble upon us while walking his bulldog, Mush Mush, in the park. Orlando opted to sip his drink while proclaiming “Life is good in America!” I guess life is good for Mush Mush too, because he jumped up on Mediocre and Stupid, knocked her over, and started going to town! Orlando seized on the opportunity and started yelling “I need more vodka! My dog is losing his virginity!” We topped him off and took off for the On-In.

Circle: Everyone was so excited to be here!!!

Hares: Anal Pro Boner and Just Joel

This trail had a lot of things, but it didn’t have enough rain. Or enough stairs.

Virgins: Just Rob, who Heave Ho and WMV picked up at a happy hour the night before, Just Renee, Just Slater, Just M@ (seriously, that is how he was introducing himself), Just Andrea, and Just Mike.

Visitors: The guy from LVH3 who will forever be known as ‘Cupcake’

1st / Last: Dumpster and Bonsai Bush

Auto: I wrote Bonsai Bush, Mr. Muff, and 2 Clump, and then decided that this one was a social

Comes Latelys: Anal Pro Boner, Whiskey Dick, Mr. Muff, Seizure Tits, STD, Lesbian, Just Joel, Dumpster, and Cleavage to Beaver.

Accusations:

Fire Down Under and Porn to Fail for not wearing white shirts after being reminded no less than 1000 times

Just Renee for hash crashing within the first block of trail

Cause for soliciting sex from a goat?

He’s a Lesbian for wanting to violate Just Jose before shipping off to Afghanistan

Bonsai Bush for traveling to Delaware to get Stan tattoos

And then the time came to name Just Jose (take two). A story was told about him kicking a Philadelphia Weekly Box for no reason and “Box Knocker” was suggested. ‘No Lay Jose’ was thrown out because it is funny. I forget why ‘Num Nuts’ and ‘Dog with no Name’ were suggested…but they were. Cause was allowed to speak and suggested ‘Horses, Cape, and Guitar’ which resulted in her nomination ban being immediately re-imposed. Which brings us to the winning name…’Pen is in my ear, ‘based on a clever play on words** (get it?, think ‘Celebrity Jeapordy’) and the fact that Just Jose did, in fact, have two Sharpie pens hanging from the extra large holes in both of his ear lobes. Him, him…f*ck him!

Announcements:

PROM will be on June 10th. Start looking for that perfect dress and loose date now!

All the other announcements are now outdated.

On On,
Sloppy Ho

**Play on words names are my FAVORITE! At EWH3 we had this guy who peed on his girlfriend’s shoes while sleepwalking and we named him ‘Urine Trouble.’ One of my favorite names ever!

For me, this hash started around 3:30PM, when I got a call from Mayor Quimby. He was done with work and sitting on the sidewalk in front of Rear Engineer’s building. “Come over when you’re done with work…I have a 30 pack of Miller Lite, a lawn chair and I’m listening to the Phillies game!”

Fast forward to 7:45PM. I walk into Drinkers and overhear The Mayor asking Tranny “So tell me, what is the minimum number of beer checks that would be one more than the most the BFM has ever had on one trail?” followed by “I want this to be EPIC! I want people to hear the name Mayor Quimby and think EPIC!” The Mayor was a dozen beers in and ready to spread some fun! Here is who else joined in:

Bitchard, Cunting Season, Heave Ho, Just Ali, Second Cuming, Craigolicious, Rimmer, Two Clump, Sausage, Sleeps around the clock, Jingle Jizz, Tranny, Soft Core, Where’s My Vagina?, She Felt a Fish, Working Girl, Bonsai Bush, Post Anal Drip, Sticky Throttle, S&M Man, Festering Beanie Baby, Porn to Fail, Sloppy Ho, Quimby, Rear Engineer, Slutty When Wet (love that name!!!!), Gag Reflex, Just the Brown Tip, and Just Penny.

Mayor Quimby and I took off to lay the “most EPIC BFM trail of all time!” We headed across 95 and then down Columbus, through some parks, tried to lay a back check to throw you all off the trail, and then ended up at beer check #1, Makos. We were belly up to the bar ordering PBR and High Life’s (Mayor Quimby spared no expense for you!!) when we were approached by three dudes. They all started high fiving The Mayor (who had no clue who they were at first) and saying how great it was to see him. Turns out, they had been to a previous Bruce-a-palooza and were so happy to see the founder, live in the flesh. Mayor Quimby is truly a D list celebrity and a legend in his own mind.

With that we were off to Beer Check #2, Locust Bar. I was a little bummed that no one offered me coke in the bathroom this time as that is a fond memory I have of beer checks in the Locust Bar. We ordered WAAAAAAY too much beer, and Mayor Quimby was passing it out patrons like he was Robin Hood or something. Did the pack even finish all the beer? It took you quite a while to get to beer check #3…

Sugar Mom’s! We only bought a handful of PBR pounders here because we seemed to be losing people at each stop; like a successful Darwinian experiment only the tough drinkers were still in tow (or maybe a few of you were picked off by the three drunks in the last alley we ran you through, who knows).

There was talk of a fourth beer check at Lucy’s, but I was tired and had stopped believing in beer checks and started laying trail back to Drinkers. The Mayor started giving me a lecture about how I needed to have a good steak dinner so I would be more relaxed. He was speaking very loudly and going on and on about the benefits of a good steak…and then he threw a handful of flour in my face and took off into the oncoming traffic on Market Street.

Circle:  It goes without saying that everyone was excited to be here!!!!

Hares:  Mayor Quimby and Sloppy Ho

This trail had a lot of things, but it didn’t have enough beer checks!

Virgins: Boxcar Willy and Just Jason, Fez, Shane and Bill..a group of dudes from Alabama that we met at Makos.  I guess someone invited them back to Drinkers and they actually came.

Visitors: Just Penny from Hockessin. She showed us her sports bra…but come on give her a break her dad was there!

First in / Last In: Cunting Season and Cause. And holy sh*t Cunting Season won the chugging contest AGAIN! She has either been practicing at home of the rest of you are relly losing ground on your chugging skillz.  Add Cause to the list of people who should be ashamed to show their face at the BFM again (This list already includes He’s a Lesbian).

Comes Lately: too many of you and the RAs lost control of the circle anyway so I’m counting this one as a social.  Social!  Round the head…Who said head?

Accusations:

Gag Reflex for having a math joke on his shirt that took him two years to understand

Sloppy Ho because I stopped believing in beer checks (get it? This was actually really funny!)

Bitchard for not letting Just Penny show her boobs

At this point in the circle we all unanimously agreed that She Felt a Fish has a nice ass!

Working Girl for channeling Fruit of the Clue and wearing some hideously fluorescent shirt from 1984

Soft Core for NEW SHOES!! I’m sorry, but you are just a straight up idiot for doing this. 

The Just’s from Alabama violated everyone from south of the Mason Dixon line…and with that we stopped giving them our beer.

Bonsai Bush had a side-side

And with that we were all liquored up and headed upstairs for either more beer or pizza, but most of you probably had both.  This is America, after all.

On out,

Sloppy Ho (just an FYI I have returned to my normal state where I don’t stop believing in things)

Announcements:

April 22 is the BAR GOLF TOUR!  we will NOT be running so wear NORMAL CLOTHES.  You’ve been warned.

April 29 is the Graffiti Hash!  Wear a white t-shirt and bring a Sharpie or you will be very sad that you are missing out on all the fun. 

* Mayor Quimby funded these beer checks by himself, which was a very generous thing to do.  He was very excited to show us all a good time, so next time you see him let him know you appreciate his efforts! 

Well, I missed the start of this one since I fell for the April Fools joke. Well done, Tranny and S&M Man, well done! I leave you with this warning though:

"There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again."

Who showed up: Scooby Snatch, Tranny, S&M Man, Skin Fiddle, Soft Core Analyst, Just Jose, Two Clump, Porn to Fail, Mediocre and Stupid, Attila the Hung, Rear Engineer, Cause for Blindness, Bonsai Bush, Snap Off, Just the Brown Tip, Handelbars, Where’s my Vagina, Sly Fox, Flounder, Son of Goat F*cker, 3 balls, Big Tackle, Tube cock and Just Sloppy’s dad!

I missed the trail, but apparently it was one big idiot loop through South Philly, and unless you knew the landscape you would keep running and running and running the same trail over and over…kind of like the movie Groundhog’s Day (wrong holiday, but excellent idea nonetheless).

Circle:

Hares: Tranny and S&M Man

What did we think of this trail? Not enough circle jerks!

First in / Last in: There was a big debate over this, and the crown switched people several times, but I think we settled on Clump Clump and Cause

Autohashers: Soft Core, Handlebars, Skin Fiddle, Just Jose, Sloppy Ho and Just Sloppy’s dad

(it was at this point that Just Jose drank for wearing a hat in the circle. Then, immediately following this he had to drink for it again. Take your hat off, dude!)

Comes Lately: Sly Fox, Attila the Hung, Flounder, Just the Brown Tip

Accusations:

Snap Off: For hash crashing while doing ballet? I think the word “Tchaikovsky” was used.

Two Clump: For not admitting he knew the pack was running the same loop again and leading them into a second lap

Son of Goat F*cker: For running off with Two Clump

Attila the Hung: For getting married

Tube Cock: For wearing a full body wetsuit, complete with flipper things on his feet.  He went on to proclaim "The only thing that doesn’t hurt are my nipples!"

Snap Off: For paying her hash cash in dimes.

Announcements:

Soft Core is haring Philly this weekend.  Check out http://www.phillyhash.com/ for details.

Grafitti hash will be on April 29th!  Wear a white shirt and bring a sharpie marker! 

And with that, circle was closed and we all went out into the flash mob.  Just kidding!  Or am I?

So there we were. At Bonners. Preparing to kick off an epic Philadelphia hashing weekend. I’ve been gone for a bit so there are some people whose names I don’t really know yet, but here is my best guess at who showed up:

Cleavage to Beaver, S&M Man, Bonsai Bush, Grab my Handlebars, One night Only, Lick Hymen, Soft Core Analyist, Clump Clump, Rear Engineer, Scooby, FDU, Chernoblow, Post Anal Drip, Heave Ho, Tastes like Chicken, Where’s my Vagina?, Lesbian, Mediocre and Stupid, Tranny, Big Tackle, Muff, Elmo, Working girl, Cunting Season, Three girls from Villanova, Two guys who know the three girls from Villanova, Porn to Fail, Rash, Holy Fuck, Sausage, Rimmer, Skin Fiddle and yours truly. Whew.

A very festively dressed S&M Man called us out for Chalk Talk. An equally festive Two Clump explained the marks he used for the trail he had already laid. They seemed normal enough, until he pointed to an interstate on / off ramp clover-leaf looking thing. This was an “Irish surprise,” where the marks were kept a secret and we would have to find them on our own. In the dark. Now, I admire Two Clump for putting the effort in to try new things, but there was no way this was going to end well. No one else seemed worried though so chalk talk continued…

Virgins:
• Just Neals (?), the three girls from Villanova made him come.
• Just Michelle, He’s a Lesbian made her come
• Just Brian and Just Steve, She Felt a Fish (?) made them come

Visitors:
• Goat Fucker, Father to Son of Goat Fucker, from Connecticut
• Rear End Loader, who was wearing a shirt so no one recognized him, from EWH3
• Bow Chicka Bow Bow, from EWH3

And we were off! This trail started out brilliantly, with over half of you running the idiot loop around Bonners and ending up right back where you started. Well Done! After that, it was pretty much a straight line from Bonners to Drexel, including a jaunt through 30th Street Station. A few blocks later I saw Bow Chicka Bow Bow running the wrong way. I heard him say “I have to go back and take a dump” and he was never seen on trail again.

Once we hit the Drexel campus we changed directions and headed north through that park up there with the most amazing view of the city. The night was so beautiful and the view was so spectacular and everyone was in a good mood and then…we hit the “Irish surprise” at the Spring Garden Bridge. It was dark and we had no idea what we are looking for, but we knew it has to be “Irish.” Well, nothing says Irish to me quite like a handful of gummy worms thrown amidst the usual amounts of trash on the sidewalk, and after a 10 minute clusterf*ck we decided that this must be Irish enough and headed across the bridge.

On the East side of the river trail marks magically became normal again and we found our way to the bike path, close to “the house where the little man lives.” (shout out to Anal Pro Boner…Heeeeyyyyyy oooohhhhh!). From there Lick Hymen was directing traffic across the grass and into the beer check. Here we learned that the gummy worms were really snakes, and they were the snakes that Two Clump has driven out of West Philly, making them Irish. Fair enough! We also learned of a tragic story involving two new BFMers. Apparently, one of them had found a dime bag on the Chestnut Street Bridge and he did what anyone would have done; he picked it up and gave it to his buddy for safe keeping. Well, his buddy goes and LOSES said dime bag. Time to start screening your friends better.

With that, we pretty much ran straight back to the bar (sorry, Two Clump) and the Bonners extravaganza began!

Circle

Hares: Two Clump O’Chump
This trail had a lot of things, but it didn’t have enough “creepy guys in the woods’ and ‘gummy worms.’

First In/Last In: Good question! I didn’t write it down. My best guess is Son of Goat Fucker and Cause, but she wasn’t even there.

Cums Latelys: Tastes like Chicken, Lick Hymen, Skin Fiddle, Lesbian, and Working Girl

Autohashers: Again, you raise an interesting question that I don’t have an answer for.

Visitors
• Goat Fucker, Connecticut, showed off his third trimester belly
• Rear End Loader, EWH3, sang a song about baboons and butt fucking.  I will live a full life never hearing this one again!
• Bow Chicka Bow Bow, who had returned from taking a dump, dropped trow and showed us all his ass.

Accusations
You people are crazy. I like you, but you’re crazy. Here we go…

S&M Man for singing a song about napalm

Mediocre and Stupid for having a rule about “not on my face”

Cunting Season and Heave Ho racing to not be last in.

Lesbian and Porn to Fail for not knowing when the hell to stop replying to dead e-mail chains.

Somewhere amongst these accusations two significant events took place. First, Rear End Loader had the audacity to ask for a smaller down down beer. Really? Second, Cunting Season chugged her beer faster than someone for possibly the first time ever. Lesbian, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Post Anal Drip for having a wallet full of singles and phone numbers.

Where’s My Vagina for numbering her shoes?

Rear End Loader, for not only bringing cologne to a hash, but for applying it before circle. At Bonners.

S&M Man, for mooning Elmo and scratching his balls? Not sure what this is about but I have a lot of questions…

One night Only is leaving us…so we sang her a song. Good Luck to you!

Holy Fuck and Taste Like Chicken have lived another year and completed another side side.

Announcements

This trash is so late none of them are relevant anymore. Even the one about Cousin It’s tailgate party.

Overheard at the Hash

Lick Hymen: “Make me happy!”
Answers: “Again?” and “Bend over!”