My obsession with karaoke began when I walked into Bonner’s in September, 2006.  I was new to the BFM and wanted everyone to like me so I signed up to sing “Don’t Stop Believing.”  What a long, strange trip it has been since then!  The men’s bathroom has disappeared and there are now white, linen tablecloths in the middle room, providing an atmosphere of class to the joint.  Karaoke Ike had some ‘legal problems’ and was replaced by Steve, who likes tequila and serenading Denise the bartender.  Some things haven’t changed though, the PBR is still $6 a pitcher and no one cares when you throw beer on people or the floor. 

Who came:  Cause, Hold the Sausage, Two Clump, Elmo, Bumble Beaver, Just Summer, Rimmer, Scooby, Flounder, Working Girl, Sleeps around the Cock, Handlebars, Tits of Steel, Rear, Softcore, CYHMN?, One Inch In, Midnight Tranny, Where’s my Vagina?, and me, Sloppy Ho! 

Cause and WMV? drew the short straws and took off into the cold night.  Trail went over to University City and then back to the Fitler Square neighborhood where things got a little crazy but we all eventually got to Callahans.  The photo of He’s a Lesbian is still hanging on the wall. 

From there a Mob decision was made and we ran straight to Tangier for a second, mystery beer beer check.  Thanks for that, hashers who run with money on them! 

Then it was back to Bonners where the PBR was flowing.  Denise asked us to do “your singing and chanting” in the third room.  Some of you seemed perplexed by this request, which is strange to me because you have all witnessed a BFM circle and tonight was no exception. A few furniture rearrangements later circle was underway…

Hares:  WMV? and Cause.  This trail was shitty and didn’t have enough University City, trail between checks, and beers in paper bags.

Virgins:  All of the virgins were brought to us by beavers!   Bumble Beaver brought Just Summer and Cleavage to Beaver brought Just Joanna and Just Beth. 

Autohahsers:  Bonsai Bush, Tube Cock, PEN IS in my ear, MediStu, S&M Man, Cleavage to Beaver, Anonymously into Dick Sucking, and Virgin Pimp.

1^st and last in:  Tranny and Soft Core

Long Time No See:  Basically all of Mismanagement: Tranny, MediStu, S&M Man and Virgin Pimp. 

Accusations:

Just Summer for impersonating Twat of Darkness

Tits of Steel for running in a stylish skirt and rhinestone belt.  From now on this type of accusation will be known as “pulling a Gag Reflex!”

Scooby for dressing as a (sperm) bank robber

Two Clump for not showing enough chest hair on trailThis

Cause for wearing new shoes

CYHMN for confessing that he too had new shoes

Soft Core for having a dream about Working Girl

Karaoke was top notch, as usual.  Tits of Steel was definitely MVP of the night, she was crawling around on the floor to a Billy Idol song and was doing leg lifts to "Lets get Physical."  Rememnre, this is all on the floor at BONNER’S!!  She confessed to me that between the years of 1997 and 2004 she would go to karaoke on Sunday mornings instead of church. 

Another night at Bonner’s is in the books. 

XO,

Sloppy Ho

Well, the college kids are home for the holidays so that means it is safe for the Mob to venture across the Schuylkill.  We gathered in the sparkling clean, fresh smelling basement at Cavanaugh’s.  Ahhhh, Cavanaugh’s, so many memories, so many brain cells lost so I can’t recall any of them. 

Who Came:  Soft Core Analyst, Two Clump Chump, Son of Goat Fucker, Tube Cock, CYHMN?, Chernoblow, Dr. Squeal Good, WMV?, Tranny, Running Girl, Bonsai Bush, Mr. Muff, Jubal, and Sloppy Ho! 

We were sooooooooooo excited to be there!  Especially when we realized that the flour was the same color as the snow that was all over the place.  Let the fun begin!

 Hare:  Running Girl

This trail didn’t have enough:  switchbacks, checks, snow, kelvar.

Virgins: Just Christie (Running Girl made her come) and Just John (Piss Cycle was responsible)

1^st/last:  Soft Core and Son of Goat Fucker!  SOGF claims he was tricked into making a terrible decision at the end of trail.  Suspicious.  

Comes Latelys:  Popeye’s Bitch and Runner Girl

Auto Hashers:  Sternum and Rectum, Bumble Beaver, Popeye’s Bitch, Rear, Rash, and Piss Cycle

Accusations:

Runner Girl for coming dressed as an autohasher and pulling the short straw

Son of Goat Fucker for beating up a Drexel cop and stealing his jacket

Two Clump for promising a Fairweather and not following through

Bumble Beaver for leaving the barn door open

WMV? for not wearing pants

CYHMN? For abusing phone picture messages (I thought he was only sending them to me!)

Two Clump for growing a beard to look older

With that circle was closed and we set about stealing $0.35 cent wings from each other.  CYHMN? started a lively discussion about the new craze of "vagazaling," and while it was both entertaining and informative I left when he started singing a blues song about "rhinestone poontang."

XO,

Sloppy Ho

BFM tradition continued tonight with the Festival of Lights run through South Philly.  The mob gathered at Johnny Bears and mingled with the regulars.  The bartender turned on the patio heater for us so we would be warm enough during chalk talk.  Awww, South Philly’s heart grew three times that night!

We were off!  Winding through cars that were triple parked we ran back and forth through streets completely lined with colored lights and inflatable Christmas paraphernalia.  Through the tunnel under 95 we went, with most of you yelling the whole time, until we stumbeld upon Philadium, where the Miller Lite was flowing!  After a short jaunt through a suburban development (very out of place) we found our way back to the warmth of the patio heater. 

Who Came: Virgin Pimp, Just Rachel, Lick Hymen, Bumble Beaver, WMV?, Rear Engineer, Rash, Rash’s new ring!, S&M Man, Mayor Quimby, Just Mayor Quimby’s latest girlfriend, Cause, Flounder, Soft Core, Lil’ Red, Working Girl, Sleeps around the Cock, One Inch In, Dancing Fool, Just Trish, Not in My Hair, and me, Sloppy Ho.

Hare: Lil’ Red

This trail did not have enough: Jewish symbols, cold temperatures, suburban sprawl, or inflatable dogs licking themselves.

The on in sure had enough lasagna! Yum! Thanks, Lil’ Red!

Virgins: Just Kevin (Not in my Hair made him come) and Just Jen (Mayor Quimby sweet talked her into thinking we were his friends).

Visitors: Heiniegirl and Raspberry Beret from Newport News? I forget, it was somewhere in VA.

Heiniegirl showed her heinie (guys at bar yelled “that ain’t no body part!) and Raspberry Beret sang us a song with a moral. That moral was “you can’t drink liquor on the house.” Speak for yourself, what are you, NEW?!

Auto Hashers: Swollen Cockpit, Post Anal Drip, Two Clump Chump

1st / Last: Not in my Hair and Rear. Just Kidding! It was Cause.

After this we sang the “Hot Vagina” song. One of the locals at the bar come over and tried to order some.

Comes Latelys: Lil’ Red, Not in My Hair, Swollen Cockpit, Post Anal Drip, Lick Hymen, and Just Rachel

Guys at the bar clapped along while we sang Face Down!

Accusations:

Flounder for wearing FOTC shorts

Rash for wearing a shirt that said “NO” when she clearly said “Yes!!!!”

Lick Hymen tried to accuse himself for tech on trail (after asking permission to accuse himself).

Rear then accused him for being Jewish, and “when one Jew drinks…”

Mayor Quimby then accused Two Clump for pretending to be a Jew, only he really is Jewish, so…

Mayor Quimby drank for fake accusations.

Soft Core Analyst for having Heat Miser hair

Cause for flashing in circle (her elf necklace was blinking)

We had a special Occasion, a naming!  Just Rachel likes cows, the reverse cowgirl position, and lost her virginity in a loft, possibly above some cows. She is a midwife and is married to Virgin Pimp, who she met on the street in the middle of a hash run. Virgin Pimp didn’t bring her out for several months because he didn’t want FOTC touching her. The mob suggested Petting Zoo, Pick up hash, pass the placenta, Men at Night, and the ultimate winner…Midwife Crisis!

With that, we were off to drink more PBR, eat more lasagna, and receive more heckling from the guys at the bar. At least three of you came over and asked me not to steal the window decorations so I could wear them (the windows were lined with beautiful white boas’).  It was difficult, but I resisted.

XO,

Sloppy Ho

As told by Mr. Snuffleupamuff

It was tough getting out of bed Friday morning. My body ached. Not just from being dehydrated (like I am most mornings after hashing), but also aching from the tumble I took on trail. However, looking back on the happenings of the previous night…. it was worth it.

With our GM attending important conferences with city officials, I was appointed as Acting for the evening. Being Veterans day, as well as the first hash after changing the clocks back, I decided we would celebrate two holidays in one hash. Veterans Day and Flashlight Hash!

Thankfully, Two Clump Chump stepped up (on a riser) and volunteered to lay a live trail from T Hogan’s in the Roxboro/Manyunk neighborhood. He’s very familiar with the area and had scoped out a crafty trail and beer check location in preparation for his live trail. My marketing effort paid off (Veterans/Servicemembers drink for free) in that a nice sized crowd attended.

Who came?

Working Girl

Little Fcking Winkie

Itemized Seduction

Big Tackle

Sleeps Around The Cck

Short Distance Rimmer

Hold The Sausage

One Inch In

Deep Discunt

Two Clump Chump

Me (Mr. Snuffleupamuff)

Seize’r TiTs

Son Of Goatfcker

Cleavage To Beaver

S&M Man

Bonsai Bush

Tube Cck

Tickle My Elmo

Rear Engineer

Twat Of Darkness

Where’s My Vag!na

Just Andy brought our v!rgin, Just Bruno

and v!rgin Just Morgan was brought into the circle by the Mob

I forgot one of you and I apologize. Blame it on the alcohol. But notably missing from the Veteran group was He’s A Lesbian, who was thought to be serving combat duty in a distant, barren land, but according to Facebook, was on two weeks R&R in Sydney where he was able to pick up a hash.

Trail

After giving Two Clump Chump a 5-minute head start, the mob (armed with lights of all kinds) swarmed out into the street across from the Wissahickon train station. With another five minutes of introductions and instructions, we headed off in search of trail to find that it immediately followed the stairs down under the train station and out onto Ridge Ave. We headed east, passing Tommy Gunns Hotdog Stand http://grooveefortune.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/hotdogpuppy.jpg

 and banging a left into the Wissahickon Valley. It was pitch black, but thankfully we were equipped with an assortment of lights. Even more of a saving grace was that Two Clump did not live up to his name (the trail was well marked) and he did not have the MediStu factor, as he had the previous Flashlight Hash two years prior.

Up into the hills we went, following the calls and glimmers of light coming from the FRB’s off in the distance. If a lone stalker down by the creek looked up along the ridge, he would have been graced with a scene of dancing lights stretching in thin, long line. There was plenty of shaggy – mainly tree roots and rocks. Little Fcking Winkie took a hard fall, giving me the opportunity to make fun of him. I spoke too soon though and took a dive myself. The ever-witty Cleavage to Beaver noted that I muff dived. Tickle My Elmo twisted his ankle, but suffered on like a true soldier.

Out of the woods we came and into the streets of the neighborhood, dashing like a frenzied group on Amber Alert., calling out on on! A few alleys later we came upon the beer check held at an acquaintance of Two Clump. Her name is Francesca. She never hashed and did not admit to being friends with Two Clump, but nether the less she intriguingly agreed to have is consume miller lite in her front yard, strategically placed there earlier by Two Clump and myself.

Once the three gallons were consumed, we headed towards the dead-end part of the street, cutting left through a secret path that took us out onto another quiet street (quiet until we arrived) and down along the wood-line back to the bar. This is of course where we had….

Circle

Hare was Two Clump Chump

FRB was Working Girl, who raced against himself. He already had the advantage of the lead with no one around him, but as we descended down hill to the bar, I could see far up ahead that Working Girl took off into a full blown sprint – up on his toes, shoulders back and fists pumping – to glory which was already his.

DFL was Pisscycle. She too attempted an overachiever move by showing up late and hitting trail solo. She did well with following trail under the train station. She even did well with following the trail into the woods. But upon a check in the pitch-blackness of the woods, she was unsure which way trail went off. Lost and lonely, she began to hear the theme music of Friday the 13^th. The stalker who was previously down by the river was now creeping towards her. The smart hasher that Pisscycle is, she telephoned the other hashers who were by then at the beer check. Being the smart hashers that they are, they left their telephones back at the bar as to not destroy them. I can only imagine her crashing through the woods in a direct beeline for neighborhood and the safety of the streetlights.

Comeslatelies: Working Girl and Little Fcking Winkie. But others drank as well, because when one Vet drinks, all Vets drink (apparently including veterinarians).

Autohashers: The usual suspects, such as Seiz’er TiTs, as well as the v!rgin Just Morgan who was playing pool in the bar, but was enticed into the circle by her cleavage, er, I mean by my peers of the male gender.

Accusations: Little Fcking Winkie was accused several times for the usual stuff. Tickle My Elmo was poked fun at for twisting his ankle (and now he is on crutches – how does that make you feel?) I was accused of pawning off Miller Lite as homebrew (apparently by transferring the keg to growlers for easier travel, half-minds assumed it was homebrew. Our RA, Bonsai Bush, pointed out that homebrew has more flavor than miller lite). Rear Engineer and Big Tackle were accused of being race-ists for competing in the NYC marathon. Seiz’er TiTs and I were accused of following trend and getting engaged. There were plenty of other accusations.

Announcements:

Sunday November 21, 2010 – World Famous Philly Marathon Beer Check http://www.flickr.com/search/?q=world+famous+philadelphia+marathon+beer&z=m

For the 15^th year in a row, the Philadelphia area Hashes are sponsoring a beer table for thirsty marathoners at mile 19 (Manyunk Movie Theater parking lot). Stop in and tailgate any time between 6am and noon. For perhaps a little more than 10 bucks you get:

1. Breakfast, lunch and other snacks

2. The beverage of your choice. This year’s beverage of choice is beer! There will also be cocktails and water.

3. The privilege of handing a beer to a marathoner and watching their eyes light up when they realize they have been blessed just when they thought they were hitting the wall.

4. A front row seat to watch your over-achieving friends.      

5. An invite to the on-after party.

Directions (we offer several ways):

1. Begin at the starting line and run 19 miles to the beer table, at which point you may as well give up the r*ce and join us for many beers.
2. Bicycle to <iframe width="425" height="350" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" src="http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&amp;source=s_q&amp;hl=en&amp;geocode=&amp;q=3766+Main+Street,+Philadelphia,+PA&amp;sll=40.016173,-75.210831&amp;sspn=0.000655,0.001118&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;hq=&amp;hnear=3766+Main+St,+Philadelphia,+Pennsylvania+19127&amp;t=h&amp;z=14&amp;ll=40.016159,-75.210654&amp;output=embed"></iframe><br /><small><a href="http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&amp;source=embed&amp;hl=en&amp;geocode=&amp;q=3766+Main+Street,+Philadelphia,+PA&amp;sll=40.016173,-75.210831&amp;sspn=0.000655,0.001118&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;hq=&amp;hnear=3766+Main+St,+Philadelphia,+Pennsylvania+19127&amp;t=h&amp;z=14&amp;ll=40.016159,-75.210654" style="color:#0000FF;text-align:left">View Larger Map</a></small>
3. Take the Norristown Train to the Wissahickon Station because Septa offers a weekend special where you can turn your ticket into a round-trip for only an extra dollar! That’s seven dollars total. 15-minute train ride. Walk down the hill from the Wissahickon Station to the tailgate. Train departs Suburban station at 7:25, 8:25, 9:25, etc, picking up people at the Market East station five minutes later. The train returns 11 minutes past every hour.
4. Driving is not an option unless you arrive before 6am. Otherwise, you will be stuck in grid-locked traffic from these main roads being shut down.

Friday November 19, 2010 Philly Full Moon Hash

The theme is Pirates vs Ninjas. More details at http://fullmoon.phillyhash.com/category/significant-events/next-trail/

Saturday November 20, 2010 Philadelphia Hash. More details at http://phillyhash.com/

Saturday December 11, 2010 Paintball with Rear Engineer and 50 of your closest friends.

Fr, Sat, Sun February 2011 Everyday’s Wednesday Annual Ski Trip: Seven Springs ski resort. I’ve been twice before and have had an absolute blast. Every year we get enough people from BFM to secure our own condo with a ski slope right out the back door. This year Two Clump Chump is heading up the contingent. http://www.ewh3.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=97&Itemid=77

July 2011, errr…. maybe August 2011 the ever-awesome Philadelphia Phillies Tailgate. Stay tuned.

It was a beautiful Halloween night in Queen Village!  Costumed-up hashers descending upon Vesuvio Restaurant & Bar included:

Bumble Beaver:  South Philly Gurl!

Where’s My Vagina?:  Dirty Pirate Hooker

Mr. Muff:  The Beard (Yes, he actually bought a Giants hat in Philly the week after game 6 happened)

Flounder:  Skeleton

Gag Reflex:  A Baby.  This was a repeat costume.  We can only hope it was a new diaper.

Just the Brown Tip:  80’s leotard girl (NOTE:  She also ran the Marine Corps Marathon in this outfit!!!)

Cause:  A fully clothed Pumpkin

Midnight Tranny:  Duff Man

Slutty When Wet:  lady bug

She Felt A Fish:  Oltmpic Ice skating Champion (she actually used to wear this)

S&M Man:  Starburns (with REAL sideburns!)

Handlebars:  A bumblebee dressed in black and yellow with wings (This information will come in handy later)

Just Gabriel: A banana

Seizure Tits:  Flapper girl (with several pearl necklaces)

Tube Cock:  a mammogram

Bonsai Bush:  A tea bagging member of the Tea Party

Cleavage to Beaver:  Jem (she was truly, truly, truly outrageous!)

Two Clump:  Where is the World is Midnight Tranny?  Complete with instructions that read:  Welcome Gumshoe, Your mission is to track down Midnight Tranny to Georgia.  Follow the clues he leaves on Facebook to see where he has been and where he is going.  Capture him so we can return the GM to his rightful place, the BFM. "

Rimmer:  Cereal killer

Hold the Sausage:  A perfectly dressed maid

Sloppy Ho:  I wore my favorite wig that was described as being “a mullet tiara”

Twat of Darkness:  A vampire

Soft Core:  A Chilean miner!  

Fire Down Under, CYHMN, Son of Goat Fucker:  Chilean miner mistresses a.k.a. no costumes

For some reason, an established bar only had 10 plastic cups on hand.  So, we had to share!  A very smart thing to do at the beginning of flu season.  Interestingly, most of the smart remarks being made at this point were about catching meningitis instead of catching herpes. 

Hares:  Midnight Tranny

“Not enough tour groups!”

“Not enough access to actual headstones!  We could only look at them through padlocked fences!”  This came from Gag reflex…as if he wasn’t strange enough already…

1^st / Last in:  WMV? and Twat of Darkness

No Virgins and No Visitors!  WTF?!

Autohashers:  Rimmer, Hold the Sausage, CYHMN? (he had hurt ankles and was emphasizing that he was using the plural form of ‘ankle.’  He blamed this injury on Rear Engineer.  Hmmmmm.), Fire Down Under, Two Clump, Tickle My Elmo, Up her Alley, Mayor Quimby and his band of merry men.

Comes Lately:  Hold the Sausage, She Felt A Fish, Gag Reflex, Cleavage to Beaver, Bumble Beaver, Twat of Darkness, Slutty When Wet, Just the Brown Tip, and Flounder.

Accusations:

Gag Reflex:  For dressing like he usually does when it isn’t Halloween

Mr. Muff:  For spending $34 on a SF Giants hat days after they eliminated the Phillies

Just Gabriel:  For being a banana with no maracas

Sloppy Ho:  For having a wig that was just too awesome

Seizure Tits:  For having more than one pearl necklace

WMV:  For starring in Pirate Porn?

Rimmer and Tube Cock:  For wearing boxes

Two Clump:  For trying to be Mr. Muff, only creepier

Midnight Tranny:  For asking Handlebars, who was wearing black and yellow stripes and a set of wings, if she was dressed as a CAT!

Best Costume!

Contestants:

Starburns

Cat in the Hat (who was actually dressed as a bee)

Baby

Chilean Miner and his mistresses

Where in the World is Midnight Tranny?

Winner:  Cat in the Hat (who was actually dressed as a bee)

 Announcements:  Probably, but I didn’t write any down.

Overhead at the Hash:

Quote from Cause “I passed the same couple two times and they started asking me if I was lost!”

“is there a word for someone with a mustache who motorboats people?”  “no, but there should be!”

“you’re still dripping your herpes all over my cup”

XO,

Sloppy Ho

Riding my bike up 12th street I quickly noticed that I wasn’t in Center City anymore and started pedaling faster.  What a neighborhood we were in this week!

Who came:  Bonsai Bush, Can You Hear Me Now?, Cause for Blindness, Flounder, Just Clifford, Mayor Quimby, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Nappy Headed Ho, One Inch In, Piss Cycle, Rear Engineer, Skin Fiddle, Sloppy Ho, Slutty When Wet, Son of Goatf*cker, Tube C*ck, Up Her Alley, Where’s my Vagina?, Jusr Brian, Wrong Turn to Brown Town, Just Jon, Bee Orgy, and Just Andrew. 

This was a serious trail!  We ran from the super nice neighborhood of 12th and Green through some abandoned parking lots and ended up lost in Chinatown!  Fun!  We finally ended up at Westy’s via City Hall, Love Park, and Logan Circle. 

Circle

Hares:  Tube Cock and Just Jon  "Not enough Chevy Luminas with extra trim!"  "Mayor Quimby was even scared!"

Virgins:  Just Matt, Just Rachel, and Just Anna

Visitors: Pleasure Slab and Dirty White Golf Whore from LeHigh Valley.  Only one of them told a pirate joke!  What was the pirate movie rated…

First/Last In:  Flounder and Cause.  Awwwwww.

Cums Latlies: Mayor Quimby, Just Jon, Cousin It, Wrong Turn to Brown Town, Piss Cycle

Autohashers: Skin Fiddle, One Inch In, Cousin It, Two Clump Chump

Accusations

Just Andrew asked some neighborhood residents if they had "seen which way the white people ran?"

Rear forgot the words to "Heineken, Schmeineken!"

Cause for trying extra hard to be an attention whore

Flounder for accusing Cause of actually putting extra stuff on to cover up her boobs

Cousin It for showing up to a hash when it was not July

Mayor Quimby initiated a location change to Westy’s where he parked on the sidewalk and started hitting on a bachlorette party (really, a bachlorette party at Westy’s???).  It pains me to say this, but Westy’s karaoke >>>> Bonner’s karaoke.  One Inch In was teaching people to line dance on the dance floor and Rear Engineer was stealing chicken wings from innocent bystanders.  CYHMN? was sitting at the bar eating a salad.  From my view standing on the table it looked just like the BFM circa 2008!

Peace Out,

Sloppy Ho

A beautiful night in Northern Liberties! 

Who came:  Bonsai Bush, Can You Hear Me Now?, Cause for Blindness, Cleavage to Beaver, Flounder, Hold the Sausage, Rear Engineer, Short Distance Rimmer, Sleeps Around the C*ck, Sloppy Ho, Slutty When Wet, Softcore Analist, Sub Cuntinent (with her offspring!), The S & M Man, Tickle My Elmo, Tube C*ck, Two Clump Chump, Where’s my Vagina?, Working Girl, Slutty When Wet, Whiskey Dick, Just Andrew, Just Mike,and Just Nick.

Softcore Analist and Flouner took off haring.  Weird combination but it seemed to work out at first.  We headed north towards Fishtown, and my heart soared thinking that maybe, just maybe, a hash starting in Northern Liberties would not go through Old City.  No such lick.  We soon found ourselves running straight down Delaware Avenue, past breathtaking Philadelphia landmarks as Sugar House and Dave and Busters.  Over the pedistrian Bridge and into Old City we went, stopping into Drinkers for the beer check,  I think Sub Cuntinent’s baby enjoyed the bar the most. 

Trail went straight up 2nd back to Northern Liberties.  Except for a weird mark consisting of "2CC —–>"  This was translated to the Mob as a "Two Clump Chump mark," so of course we all ran to the left and found trail.

Circle

Hares: Softcore and Flounder "Not enough straight, endless trail!"

Virgins: Just Leslie

Visitors: Donkey Punch from Rhode Island (I think he asng a song?)

First/Last In: CYHMN? and Just Nick

Cums Latlies: Just Mike and Whiskey Dick

Autohashers: The Rash

Accusations

Tube Cock for racing and still being beat by CYHMN?

Handlebars has naked pictures online and she won’t share the link

Sloppy Ho and Slutty When Wet were smarter than everyone else and sat in chairs during the circle

CYHMN? got lost three blocks from Drinkers as if this was his first time hashing in Old City or something

Birthday Side-Sides

Slutty When Wet turned 22 this week!

Naming!

Just Nick is a scientist who studies AIDS and went to University of Maryland.  He likes the reverse cowgirl position and once wore a diaper at a party all night and still had it on when he woke up in the morning.  In the end, "It Depends" was beaten out in favor of "Anonymously Into Dick Sucking" 

Announcements

Something about a tailgate in August 2011.

Peace Out,

Sloppy Ho

Mismanagement was trying something new this week. We were going to attempt to start the hash ‘on time’ and have the circle end at a decent hour. You can’t say we didn’t try.

(side note: MM stands for Mis Management. I thought that was understood, but based on the number of you who wrote back to me and said "what is MM?" I guess it is not.)

Hashers who showed up at Grumpy’s on time:
Where’s my Vagina?, Flounder, Grab my Handlebars, CYHMN?, Son of Goat F*cker, Sly Fox, Sloppy Ho, Cause for Blindness, Mediocre and Stupid, Big Tackle, Bonsai Bush, Queef, Tube Cock, S&M Man, Fire Down Under, One inch in, Just Steve, Just Laura, and Just Heather.

Big Tackle and Grab my Handlebars took off to lay trail exactly at 7:50 PM. The rest of us went outside for Chalk Talk which took place in front of the bar next to a bench. Not really a necessary detail to point out, except for that there was a man sitting on the bench playing a game of Suduko. And he stayed there, trying to concentrate while chalk talk went on around him. Impressive.

The 8:00PM start time must have really confused us because the first 6 blocks of this trail was a bizarro hash. Flounder solved the first three checks.  Where’s my Vagina was setting her watch in order to time herself.  Stoop sitters were actually sending us in the right direction.  Once we got to the 95 overpass we lost trail and things seemed normal again.  Somehow we found our way to Lyon’s Den for beer check #1.

Several things happened to make the on time start null and void.  There was play ground that everyone had to stop and climb all over.  There was an impromptu beer check at Triangle Park.  There was an official beer check at RAY’S HAPPY BIRTHDAY BAR!!!!  Just Laura was having so much fun that she kept hugging people.  The Phillies were beating the Yankees.  All forces working against a circle ending before 10. 

At this point in my notes someone took my pen when I wasn’t looking and wrote: "Just Heather said her crotch was too sweaty."  If someone wrote it down it must be true. 

Hares:  Big Tackle and Grab my Handlebars (special appearance by Son of Goat F*cker for catching the hares).

Virgins:  Just Laura (One Inch In) and Just Steve (Just Heather)

Long Time No See:  Queef, Sly Fox, Jingle Ballz, Cousin It

Bonsai Bush and MediStu: Pouring beers from a Miller Lite VORETX bottle into cups…defeating the whole point of the Vortex bottle.

MM: Starting the hash on time and then being defeated by 3 beer checks anyway

Jingle Ballz: showing up late two weeks in a row wearing a bathing suit. What are you doing on Thursday nights?

Tube Cock: making One Inch In’s ass hurt without taking him to dinner first. 

With that, the Phillies beat the Yankess and hashers were high kicking off into the night.

The first (and possibly first annual) BFM Graffiti hash kicked off at T.A. Flannery’s, and we all kind of stood around looking at blank, white shirts. I guess no one had enough booze in them yet.

Who Came: Midnight Tranny, Grab My Handlebars, Just Jose, S & M Man, Cleavage to Beaver, Mr. Muff, Seizure Tits, Porn to Fail, Cause for Blindness, Fire Down Under, STD, Big Tackle, Anal Pro Boner, Mediocre and Stupid, He’s a Lesbian, Where’s My Vagina, Heave Ho, Tube Cock, Skin Fiddle, Whiskey Dick, and me, Sloppy Ho.

The trail was a bit tricky at first and we went back and forth in front of Flannery’s a few times before finally heading south. It was a sign of things to come as we basically re-traced our steps over and over again en route to Callahan’s at the foot of what was once the South Street Bridge. The Mob finally seemed to be over their writers block and dirty words and pictures of penises were starting to appear on the back of people’s shirts.

After the beer check we ran to the sacrificial lamb in the middle of Fitler Square, where Anal Pro Boner had arranged little cups of ‘vodka flavored water.’ Not being ones to pass up hydration opportunities, the Mob drank them down…except for one. We gave this lone soldier to Orlando, a self-described senior citizen with an Eastern European accent, who happened to stumble upon us while walking his bulldog, Mush Mush, in the park. Orlando opted to sip his drink while proclaiming “Life is good in America!” I guess life is good for Mush Mush too, because he jumped up on Mediocre and Stupid, knocked her over, and started going to town! Orlando seized on the opportunity and started yelling “I need more vodka! My dog is losing his virginity!” We topped him off and took off for the On-In.

Circle: Everyone was so excited to be here!!!

Hares: Anal Pro Boner and Just Joel

This trail had a lot of things, but it didn’t have enough rain. Or enough stairs.

Virgins: Just Rob, who Heave Ho and WMV picked up at a happy hour the night before, Just Renee, Just Slater, Just M@ (seriously, that is how he was introducing himself), Just Andrea, and Just Mike.

Visitors: The guy from LVH3 who will forever be known as ‘Cupcake’

1st / Last: Dumpster and Bonsai Bush

Auto: I wrote Bonsai Bush, Mr. Muff, and 2 Clump, and then decided that this one was a social

Comes Latelys: Anal Pro Boner, Whiskey Dick, Mr. Muff, Seizure Tits, STD, Lesbian, Just Joel, Dumpster, and Cleavage to Beaver.

Accusations:

Fire Down Under and Porn to Fail for not wearing white shirts after being reminded no less than 1000 times

Just Renee for hash crashing within the first block of trail

Cause for soliciting sex from a goat?

He’s a Lesbian for wanting to violate Just Jose before shipping off to Afghanistan

Bonsai Bush for traveling to Delaware to get Stan tattoos

And then the time came to name Just Jose (take two). A story was told about him kicking a Philadelphia Weekly Box for no reason and “Box Knocker” was suggested. ‘No Lay Jose’ was thrown out because it is funny. I forget why ‘Num Nuts’ and ‘Dog with no Name’ were suggested…but they were. Cause was allowed to speak and suggested ‘Horses, Cape, and Guitar’ which resulted in her nomination ban being immediately re-imposed. Which brings us to the winning name…’Pen is in my ear, ‘based on a clever play on words** (get it?, think ‘Celebrity Jeapordy’) and the fact that Just Jose did, in fact, have two Sharpie pens hanging from the extra large holes in both of his ear lobes. Him, him…f*ck him!

Announcements:

PROM will be on June 10th. Start looking for that perfect dress and loose date now!

All the other announcements are now outdated.

On On,
Sloppy Ho

**Play on words names are my FAVORITE! At EWH3 we had this guy who peed on his girlfriend’s shoes while sleepwalking and we named him ‘Urine Trouble.’ One of my favorite names ever!

For me, this hash started around 3:30PM, when I got a call from Mayor Quimby. He was done with work and sitting on the sidewalk in front of Rear Engineer’s building. “Come over when you’re done with work…I have a 30 pack of Miller Lite, a lawn chair and I’m listening to the Phillies game!”

Fast forward to 7:45PM. I walk into Drinkers and overhear The Mayor asking Tranny “So tell me, what is the minimum number of beer checks that would be one more than the most the BFM has ever had on one trail?” followed by “I want this to be EPIC! I want people to hear the name Mayor Quimby and think EPIC!” The Mayor was a dozen beers in and ready to spread some fun! Here is who else joined in:

Bitchard, Cunting Season, Heave Ho, Just Ali, Second Cuming, Craigolicious, Rimmer, Two Clump, Sausage, Sleeps around the clock, Jingle Jizz, Tranny, Soft Core, Where’s My Vagina?, She Felt a Fish, Working Girl, Bonsai Bush, Post Anal Drip, Sticky Throttle, S&M Man, Festering Beanie Baby, Porn to Fail, Sloppy Ho, Quimby, Rear Engineer, Slutty When Wet (love that name!!!!), Gag Reflex, Just the Brown Tip, and Just Penny.

Mayor Quimby and I took off to lay the “most EPIC BFM trail of all time!” We headed across 95 and then down Columbus, through some parks, tried to lay a back check to throw you all off the trail, and then ended up at beer check #1, Makos. We were belly up to the bar ordering PBR and High Life’s (Mayor Quimby spared no expense for you!!) when we were approached by three dudes. They all started high fiving The Mayor (who had no clue who they were at first) and saying how great it was to see him. Turns out, they had been to a previous Bruce-a-palooza and were so happy to see the founder, live in the flesh. Mayor Quimby is truly a D list celebrity and a legend in his own mind.

With that we were off to Beer Check #2, Locust Bar. I was a little bummed that no one offered me coke in the bathroom this time as that is a fond memory I have of beer checks in the Locust Bar. We ordered WAAAAAAY too much beer, and Mayor Quimby was passing it out patrons like he was Robin Hood or something. Did the pack even finish all the beer? It took you quite a while to get to beer check #3…

Sugar Mom’s! We only bought a handful of PBR pounders here because we seemed to be losing people at each stop; like a successful Darwinian experiment only the tough drinkers were still in tow (or maybe a few of you were picked off by the three drunks in the last alley we ran you through, who knows).

There was talk of a fourth beer check at Lucy’s, but I was tired and had stopped believing in beer checks and started laying trail back to Drinkers. The Mayor started giving me a lecture about how I needed to have a good steak dinner so I would be more relaxed. He was speaking very loudly and going on and on about the benefits of a good steak…and then he threw a handful of flour in my face and took off into the oncoming traffic on Market Street.

Circle:  It goes without saying that everyone was excited to be here!!!!

Hares:  Mayor Quimby and Sloppy Ho

This trail had a lot of things, but it didn’t have enough beer checks!

Virgins: Boxcar Willy and Just Jason, Fez, Shane and Bill..a group of dudes from Alabama that we met at Makos.  I guess someone invited them back to Drinkers and they actually came.

Visitors: Just Penny from Hockessin. She showed us her sports bra…but come on give her a break her dad was there!

First in / Last In: Cunting Season and Cause. And holy sh*t Cunting Season won the chugging contest AGAIN! She has either been practicing at home of the rest of you are relly losing ground on your chugging skillz.  Add Cause to the list of people who should be ashamed to show their face at the BFM again (This list already includes He’s a Lesbian).

Comes Lately: too many of you and the RAs lost control of the circle anyway so I’m counting this one as a social.  Social!  Round the head…Who said head?

Accusations:

Gag Reflex for having a math joke on his shirt that took him two years to understand

Sloppy Ho because I stopped believing in beer checks (get it? This was actually really funny!)

Bitchard for not letting Just Penny show her boobs

At this point in the circle we all unanimously agreed that She Felt a Fish has a nice ass!

Working Girl for channeling Fruit of the Clue and wearing some hideously fluorescent shirt from 1984

Soft Core for NEW SHOES!! I’m sorry, but you are just a straight up idiot for doing this. 

The Just’s from Alabama violated everyone from south of the Mason Dixon line…and with that we stopped giving them our beer.

Bonsai Bush had a side-side

And with that we were all liquored up and headed upstairs for either more beer or pizza, but most of you probably had both.  This is America, after all.

On out,

Sloppy Ho (just an FYI I have returned to my normal state where I don’t stop believing in things)

Announcements:

April 22 is the BAR GOLF TOUR!  we will NOT be running so wear NORMAL CLOTHES.  You’ve been warned.

April 29 is the Graffiti Hash!  Wear a white t-shirt and bring a Sharpie or you will be very sad that you are missing out on all the fun. 

* Mayor Quimby funded these beer checks by himself, which was a very generous thing to do.  He was very excited to show us all a good time, so next time you see him let him know you appreciate his efforts!