Well, I missed the start of this one since I fell for the April Fools joke. Well done, Tranny and S&M Man, well done! I leave you with this warning though:

"There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again."

Who showed up: Scooby Snatch, Tranny, S&M Man, Skin Fiddle, Soft Core Analyst, Just Jose, Two Clump, Porn to Fail, Mediocre and Stupid, Attila the Hung, Rear Engineer, Cause for Blindness, Bonsai Bush, Snap Off, Just the Brown Tip, Handelbars, Where’s my Vagina, Sly Fox, Flounder, Son of Goat F*cker, 3 balls, Big Tackle, Tube cock and Just Sloppy’s dad!

I missed the trail, but apparently it was one big idiot loop through South Philly, and unless you knew the landscape you would keep running and running and running the same trail over and over…kind of like the movie Groundhog’s Day (wrong holiday, but excellent idea nonetheless).

Circle:

Hares: Tranny and S&M Man

What did we think of this trail? Not enough circle jerks!

First in / Last in: There was a big debate over this, and the crown switched people several times, but I think we settled on Clump Clump and Cause

Autohashers: Soft Core, Handlebars, Skin Fiddle, Just Jose, Sloppy Ho and Just Sloppy’s dad

(it was at this point that Just Jose drank for wearing a hat in the circle. Then, immediately following this he had to drink for it again. Take your hat off, dude!)

Comes Lately: Sly Fox, Attila the Hung, Flounder, Just the Brown Tip

Accusations:

Snap Off: For hash crashing while doing ballet? I think the word “Tchaikovsky” was used.

Two Clump: For not admitting he knew the pack was running the same loop again and leading them into a second lap

Son of Goat F*cker: For running off with Two Clump

Attila the Hung: For getting married

Tube Cock: For wearing a full body wetsuit, complete with flipper things on his feet.  He went on to proclaim "The only thing that doesn’t hurt are my nipples!"

Snap Off: For paying her hash cash in dimes.

Announcements:

Soft Core is haring Philly this weekend.  Check out http://www.phillyhash.com/ for details.

Grafitti hash will be on April 29th!  Wear a white shirt and bring a sharpie marker! 

And with that, circle was closed and we all went out into the flash mob.  Just kidding!  Or am I?

So there we were. At Bonners. Preparing to kick off an epic Philadelphia hashing weekend. I’ve been gone for a bit so there are some people whose names I don’t really know yet, but here is my best guess at who showed up:

Cleavage to Beaver, S&M Man, Bonsai Bush, Grab my Handlebars, One night Only, Lick Hymen, Soft Core Analyist, Clump Clump, Rear Engineer, Scooby, FDU, Chernoblow, Post Anal Drip, Heave Ho, Tastes like Chicken, Where’s my Vagina?, Lesbian, Mediocre and Stupid, Tranny, Big Tackle, Muff, Elmo, Working girl, Cunting Season, Three girls from Villanova, Two guys who know the three girls from Villanova, Porn to Fail, Rash, Holy Fuck, Sausage, Rimmer, Skin Fiddle and yours truly. Whew.

A very festively dressed S&M Man called us out for Chalk Talk. An equally festive Two Clump explained the marks he used for the trail he had already laid. They seemed normal enough, until he pointed to an interstate on / off ramp clover-leaf looking thing. This was an “Irish surprise,” where the marks were kept a secret and we would have to find them on our own. In the dark. Now, I admire Two Clump for putting the effort in to try new things, but there was no way this was going to end well. No one else seemed worried though so chalk talk continued…

Virgins:
• Just Neals (?), the three girls from Villanova made him come.
• Just Michelle, He’s a Lesbian made her come
• Just Brian and Just Steve, She Felt a Fish (?) made them come

Visitors:
• Goat Fucker, Father to Son of Goat Fucker, from Connecticut
• Rear End Loader, who was wearing a shirt so no one recognized him, from EWH3
• Bow Chicka Bow Bow, from EWH3

And we were off! This trail started out brilliantly, with over half of you running the idiot loop around Bonners and ending up right back where you started. Well Done! After that, it was pretty much a straight line from Bonners to Drexel, including a jaunt through 30th Street Station. A few blocks later I saw Bow Chicka Bow Bow running the wrong way. I heard him say “I have to go back and take a dump” and he was never seen on trail again.

Once we hit the Drexel campus we changed directions and headed north through that park up there with the most amazing view of the city. The night was so beautiful and the view was so spectacular and everyone was in a good mood and then…we hit the “Irish surprise” at the Spring Garden Bridge. It was dark and we had no idea what we are looking for, but we knew it has to be “Irish.” Well, nothing says Irish to me quite like a handful of gummy worms thrown amidst the usual amounts of trash on the sidewalk, and after a 10 minute clusterf*ck we decided that this must be Irish enough and headed across the bridge.

On the East side of the river trail marks magically became normal again and we found our way to the bike path, close to “the house where the little man lives.” (shout out to Anal Pro Boner…Heeeeyyyyyy oooohhhhh!). From there Lick Hymen was directing traffic across the grass and into the beer check. Here we learned that the gummy worms were really snakes, and they were the snakes that Two Clump has driven out of West Philly, making them Irish. Fair enough! We also learned of a tragic story involving two new BFMers. Apparently, one of them had found a dime bag on the Chestnut Street Bridge and he did what anyone would have done; he picked it up and gave it to his buddy for safe keeping. Well, his buddy goes and LOSES said dime bag. Time to start screening your friends better.

With that, we pretty much ran straight back to the bar (sorry, Two Clump) and the Bonners extravaganza began!

Circle

Hares: Two Clump O’Chump
This trail had a lot of things, but it didn’t have enough “creepy guys in the woods’ and ‘gummy worms.’

First In/Last In: Good question! I didn’t write it down. My best guess is Son of Goat Fucker and Cause, but she wasn’t even there.

Cums Latelys: Tastes like Chicken, Lick Hymen, Skin Fiddle, Lesbian, and Working Girl

Autohashers: Again, you raise an interesting question that I don’t have an answer for.

Visitors
• Goat Fucker, Connecticut, showed off his third trimester belly
• Rear End Loader, EWH3, sang a song about baboons and butt fucking.  I will live a full life never hearing this one again!
• Bow Chicka Bow Bow, who had returned from taking a dump, dropped trow and showed us all his ass.

Accusations
You people are crazy. I like you, but you’re crazy. Here we go…

S&M Man for singing a song about napalm

Mediocre and Stupid for having a rule about “not on my face”

Cunting Season and Heave Ho racing to not be last in.

Lesbian and Porn to Fail for not knowing when the hell to stop replying to dead e-mail chains.

Somewhere amongst these accusations two significant events took place. First, Rear End Loader had the audacity to ask for a smaller down down beer. Really? Second, Cunting Season chugged her beer faster than someone for possibly the first time ever. Lesbian, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Post Anal Drip for having a wallet full of singles and phone numbers.

Where’s My Vagina for numbering her shoes?

Rear End Loader, for not only bringing cologne to a hash, but for applying it before circle. At Bonners.

S&M Man, for mooning Elmo and scratching his balls? Not sure what this is about but I have a lot of questions…

One night Only is leaving us…so we sang her a song. Good Luck to you!

Holy Fuck and Taste Like Chicken have lived another year and completed another side side.

Announcements

This trash is so late none of them are relevant anymore. Even the one about Cousin It’s tailgate party.

Overheard at the Hash

Lick Hymen: “Make me happy!”
Answers: “Again?” and “Bend over!”