Welcome to the first edition of Jug Stain’d trash. I apologize in advance.

We convened for our farewell to TA Flannery’s in style, especially Where’s My Vagina?, who was wearing serious party pants. Since it was bad enough I’d been assigned On-Sec, I was pleased to arrive after she and Softcore Analist had already drawn short straw. Others who had not drawn short straw included Tube Cock, Itemized Seduction, Rear Engineer, Slutty When Wet, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Chernoblow, Just the Brown Tip, Just Trish, Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, One Inch In, 3 Balls, Sleeps Around the Cock, Working Girl, and our sole visitor, Shoots Loads on Bambi (SLOB).

After a very meaningful Chalk Talk, and a detailed account of Tube Cock’s last paintball injury, we set out. We went South, and then East, and then North, and then North, and then through CCP’s campus, and began speculating as to where the Beer Near would be. We wound our way through Fairmount and happened on a playground check, but I don’t think anyone actually stopped. The trail was taunting us with its proximity to The Green Room and the fact that it was 10 degrees outside. Just as we had decided the hares had pulled a loop on us, someone discovered trail leading us to Gallagher’s on the Parkway, where two kinds of beer awaited us: Lager, and PBR past its prime. The Lager was fantastic, but someone suggested the skunky PBR would double as a laxative, or had perhaps already been consumed and recycled.

Eventually we made it back to the start for our farewell to Butch.

Hares: Where’s My Vagina?, Softcare Analist

…Not enough Anal!

…Not enough Kensington!

…Not enough bars!

Virgins: none

Visitor: Shoots Loads on Bambi (SLOB) from Iwakuni, Japan, who sang a song in his kimono

First In/Last In: Rear Engineer/Working Girl

Autohashers: Bonsai Bush, Piss Cycle, S&M Man, Scoobie Snatch, Porn to Fail

Cums Latelies: Slutty When Wet, Brown Tip, 3 Balls, Chernoblow

Accusations:

Piss Cycle for autohashing in running gear

Chernoblow for hoping for a short one

Where’s My Vagina? for something about Fruit of the Loom that I forgot to write down, along with Softcore Analist under “When one hare drinks, all hares drink”

Short Distance Rimmer for not going to school

SLOB for wearing a headlight in a well-lit city

To which SLOB counteraccused The Hares for not enough shiggy, and for not laying trail through the fountain

Short Distance Rimmer for diving in the fountain

Tube Cock, for falsely accusing Rimmer of diving in the fountain

…and again for dressing like a nerd, even though we were not actually attending NerdNite

3 Balls for being new GM of Philly Hash, and under “When one GM drinks, all GM’s drink”, well, you can figure out who was with him

One Inch In for thinking of food challenges

Where’s My Vagina? for having arrows pointing to her ass (and under “When one hare drinks….” Softcore Analist)

Softcore Analist for something about a jacket (and under “When one hare drinks…” WMV?)

At this point, we saluted Butch for all the years of tolerating us with “He’s a hasher, through and through…” then returned to accusing each other of not finishing the beer

Short Distance Rimmer for whining in circle (and, I should have pointed out, on trail)

Softcore Analist, for taking us by the Belgian Cafe, and The Green Room, and the Cherry Street, and for crossing trail (in case anyone wanted to know what Rimmer was whining about), and under “When one hare drinks…” WMV?

Announcements:

Rear Engineer: Paintball this Saturday – if you still want to go, sorry, I didn’t write trash in time

Tranny: Festivus Bar Crawl next week – not a r*n

Hold the Sausage: Pickup PH3 in the Wissahickon this Saturday – again, sorry, it’s old news now – and January 14^th “Do Shots, Don’t Get Shot” in Kensington

At this point we had to re-open circle when it came to our attention that S&M Man had waited in the bar for 10 minutes to avoid being accused, after sending Bonsai Bush a text at 8:04 saying he’d be “a little late”. So we did, and he was accused, and the beer was finally gone.

Thankfully, there was no announcement related to Cousin It’s tailgate.

On-Out,

JugS

As I called Mace’s Crossing to make sure they were open he said “sure, just walk right in, it’s around the back. Just a half a mile from the Suburban Tracks”, oh wait that’s a different place. Anyway this hash is different from most, and so is the trash. People view Thanksgiving differently; some revere it as much as a fresh helping of Turducken (or for our vegi friends Tofuck’n), while others, dread it as much as the PPA. On the subject of parking, it took me a half of an hour to find a parking spot, now why is this significant, I’ll tell you. It has come to my attention that certain NY natives were unaware that Philadelphia has a T-Day Parade. Are NY’ers so pompous as to think they are the only city worthy of a parade? Here is a tip EVERY city has a parade, hell Greenbow Alabama probably has a Thanksgiving Day Parade. Excuse me for a second while I return my soapbox (I keep it in the kitchen to help me reach the top shelf). Anyway back to the bar I walked in to find Big Tackle, Can You Hear Me Now, Softcore Analyst, Scoobie Snatch, Fire down under,  and Tickle My Elmo. Moments later Lick Stick, showed up with her two offspring. Now it might be acceptable to bring an infant to a hash (they are good for smuggling booze, just ask Subcuntinent); however, teenagers are not normally seen. When she introduced her daughter Just Jade everyone moved away (except Scoobie) until she said she was 19, then we all moved back over (except for Scoobie). Bonsai Bush, and Tube C*ck showed up with word of a beer check. We stood around contemplating going straight to the BN while CYHMN complained that he wanted to run a trail, and appointed Big T as hare. Being the ever-pleasing man he is (there is a ‘she said joke in there somewhere), he took the flower and ran off.

The trail was as good as one could expect on a cold morning when a warm house with chilled beer has been promised. While at the Beer check we all experienced Bonsai’s wonderful stuffing, then again did anyone doubt that she was better at stuffing than Tube C*ck. As we drank, Post anal drip, and Swollen Cockpit showed up, proving the excellence of the trail, or their clairvoyance. As hard as it was the pack eventually off again and back to the bar.

Virgins: Just Jade by Lickstick (she drank soda, and slower than Cause drinks beer)

Cums Lately: Swollen Cockpit, Lickstick, Softcore (and again for HGIC (headgear in circle))

Lickstick for thinking this was a family hash

Tube c*ck, Bonsai, and Scobbie for various overachieving infractions

None, because it was too cold

Over Heard at the Hash

UKH “I don’t think Just Jade is a Virgin.”

Bonsai “She does realize we mean a different kind of Virgin.”

UKH “Oh, then yes she is a Virgin”

Softcore “I was so excited that I kept up with Two Clump, until I realized it was Lickstick’s 13 year old son.”

Two Clump Chump

You know, the best thing about being a hasher during a time of mysteriously absent on-secs is that there is a ton of opportunity to guest on-sec. So, when I heard that our on-secs were either hanging out in California, Jersey, or just around the corner on this fine evening, I decided to offer up my skills as a cunning linguist. Now, I didn’t want to disappoint you all and post trash in an expedient manner, so I opted for putting it off for one week. By allowing sufficient time to elapse, I have forgotten most of what went on during that drunken stupor of a night. So, here is how the evening panned out in my memory….

As I walked in to TA Flannery’s, I feared that the cold night rain would leave just Midnight Tranny and I together, alone, staring at each other across the bar. I was quite relieved to see that Son of Goatfucker, Working Girl, and Tube Cock were also there. Glancing around at the pack, I began to fear for my ability to keep up with the pack. Partially due to my fear of being ditched in the ghetto, coupled with a desire to run a super-short trail straight over to Bonners and back, I decided that I might as well hare this evening. After all, I was going to RA and On-Sec, and who wants just two jobs? Fortunately, One Inch In showed up at an opportune time, felt bad for me running by myself (or knew of my plot to run a short trail) and volunteered to co-hare. Before we left, Deep Discunt, Flounder, and Cause for Blindness showed up as well, and it was only at the beer check that I found out that Shefelta Fish, Just Adam, Cleavage to Beaver, and Itemized Seduction joined the party.

So, we were off. Well, the hares that is. Trail was quite fantabulous, if I do say so myself. Suddenly, what was once a crappy, raining evening ended up being a fantastic night for a run. The rain stopped, and there was just enough water on the ground to make the flour a little difficult to see. The plan for a short trail to Bonner’s was scrapped, and instead we ended up weaving eastward, towards Love Park. After several falses, a number of hidden clumps, and a jaunt around the Love Park fountain, we figured a beer check might be in order. Hmmm, which one to go to. Running west offered up the option of Mace’s Crossing… but that was too soon, wasn’t it? Our brave little hares decided to see what an angry mob would do with a FBN, and instead headed their way down Cherry Street to the Cherry Street Tavern (not without a Wawa stop for additional flour). Eventually, a dehydrated mob showed up, stormed into the Tavern, completely missing the t*tty check. Cause remedied this though, by showing off her lovelies for all the young hashers to see.

Permanently scarred from seeing Cause’s jubblies, the hares quickly darted from the bar, ran frantically around a parking lot, between some buildings, across some streets, found time to lay a false by the river trail (seriously, who falls for these?), and wound up at Bonner’s. Aaaah, finally!! After a few more PBR’s and Lagers for the slightly inebriated mob, Cause for Blindness once again proved to be aptly named by pulling down her pants for all to see. Unable to take the strip show any longer, we darted back to TA Flannery’s to meet up with Big Tackle for….

Hares: Bonsai Bush, One Inch In (the mob found our spectacular trail to not be FRB friendly, and for allowing Cause to catch up. Right, and there was much disappointment in that False Beer Near.)

Visitors: None First In/Last In: Deep Discunt / Cause for Blindness Comes Latelies: Deep Discunt, Flounder, Cause for Blindness, Working Girl, Sheflta Fish Autohashers: Big Tackle

Bonsai Bush (and One Inch In under the “when one hare drinks rule”): for wearing a human sized condom for rain protection (Tranny)

Bonsai Bush (and One Inch In under the “when one hare drinks rule”): alcohol abuse (Flounder)

Flounder (and Shefelta Fish under the “when one fish drinks” rule): something to do with not wearing a condom

Tranny: Man Down! Got engaged to Chernoblow (Working Girl). But, on this one, the mob quickly caught on that Working Girl was also a Man Down, and the “when one engaged hasher drinks” rule was enacted, thus forcing Working Girl and Cleavage to Beaver to drink.

Bonsai Bush and One Inch In: Setting a FBN. Seriously, who sets a FALSE BEER CHECK??!! (Deep Discunt)

At this magical time, the S&M Man decided to walk in. With his scrubs on. That proudly pronounced him Dr. S&M Man. I mean, by his Nerd Name. Therefore, the mob made him drink. S&M Man: he did something in circle. I can’t read Tube Cock’s writing. It looks like “cums in circle” but we all know that is acceptable hash behavior. Anyway, he drank. (Cleavage to Beaver)

Itemized Seduction: Hash Crash – she messed up her wrist the first hash she was out of her ankle splint (Bonsai)

Big Tackle: R*cist behavior by wearing speed laces (Bonsai)

Then, Big Tackle was hauled off for a Side-Side, during which his speed laces were speedily tied into a knot so tight the S&M man couldn’t get into it.

Big Tackle is Saving the Tatas by looking at Tatas at Club Risque. Maybe if I posed this in a speedy manner, you all might have been able to watch a stripper rub her lovelies in my face. Tube Cock: Philly Full Moon. Next Friday (Oct 22). Cavanaugh’s in West Philly. Rapper hash. Word.

Working Girl: Everything is better when it is black!

The city of Philadelphia had just issued a flood watch and it was still raining. I know about the flood watch because yours truly is just nerdy enough to have signed up for ReadyNotify so I know things like when the Sunoco Community Alert Siren is going to blow, when my train will be late because of police action on the West Trenton line, and that there is currently more rain in our combined sewer ground water overflow system than has hit the ground in several months.

A small crowd gathered. While we debated actually doing trail vs autohashing, a few more halfminds showed themselves and we decided to hit the road. With no visitors and no virgins, chalk talk was a short and hastily performed ritual which included pointing out the first check and the note that if here were to be a beer check it would be at Rays Happy Birthday Bar. So we set off into the night. Despite the small size of the hash (I didn’t say anything about the size of the hashers) we had plenty of folks diligently check hang- even ant the first check. That’s dedication, folks!

I have no idea where we went although we were in south Philly and we did cross Broad street probably twice. We passed a man using an umbrella and a cell phone (at the same time halfminds! We’ll have a practice session later) who told the cell phone, quite earnestly, " it’s not raining Christine!" sadly he did not join our merry gang of wet hashers.

After much innuendo about wet hashers and wet t-shirts we finally lost trail and had to shortcut out of an alley across a gas station and down a few blocks to rays happy birthday bar where there was beer and some sweaty wet hares. The hares did not seem to surprised when we told them where we lost trail- maybe they ran out of flour? Or it could have been the flood. We may never know. Tube cock tried to instigate a white t shirt contest but he was the only one wearing white. After some beer and general carousing we headed back to triangle for more beer. Btw the Rita’s across the intersection closes at nine on floody fall days but we made it back in time for a quick trip.

And then I lost the napkin (roll of paper towel that Bonsai found at the bar for me to take notes on) which had my notes from circle.

Who (not in order of arrival, also probably incomplete):

Where’s My Vagina, Sly Fox, Midnight Tranny, 2nd Cumming, Goat Fucker, Twat of Darkness, Fire Down Under (who was not skipping class), Scooby Snacks (sadly did not bring the skimpy lingerie for Fire to run in), Can You Hear Me Now?, Just Gabriel, Soft Core Analist, Bonsai Bush, Tube Cock,

2nd Cumming, who announced upon arrival that he had never hared before and was promptly voluntold. Once enough folks arrived that there would be more pack than hares, Tranny elected himself co-hare.

Son of goat fcker, twat

Accusations: There was one about the hash being circumcised and something else and it was great but I lost the papertowels…

We had a birthday side side 2 actually – Scooby and 2nd Cumming

I mostly remember the downdowns that I got to drink in. For example, there were some racists I think it was bonsai and tube cock. There were probably others including one who didn’t get called out for that accusation (Softcore) because I flaked. His race involved beer though so you should all sign up for it net year.

Tube cock accused all the women of not wearing white shirts as he had for the white t-shirt contest. I’m pretty sure that 2nd Cumming drank in that down down as well and I’m pretty sure our illustrious RA showed a body part at that point but I could have been during the lamenting of the lack of virgins and visitors. 

Anyway here’s what you really need to know – there was trail and rain and sexual innuendo and plenty of beer. If you weren’t there fku especially if you have a legitimate excuse.

If you are going to make a decree such as; “Pack away by 8… show up after and find trail solo.”, you should show up before 8, especially if you are the hare. Unlike the Democrats views of Obama, I am a volun-sec so I can say what I want without fear of political persecution. Mr. Snuffleupamuff rolled into the bar around 7:55 claiming that he and Midnight Tranny to Georga are haring tonight. By 8 we still had no flour, RA, or the other hare. You might be asking yourself what was so important that caused our ultimatum wielding GM to be late to his own trail; well a little radioactive birdie told me. Tranny got halfway to the hash when he questioned whether he turned the oven off or not, and had to turn around to confirm. I think he was pre-heating it for Scoobie Snatch. Finally the GM and RA showed up and this week’s hash was up and running, literally.

Who Came:

Arseanal, Big Tackle, Bonsai Bush, Can You Hear Me Now?, Chernoblow, Jug Stain, Just Jerry, Just Liz, Just Matt, Just Megan, Just Nick, Lick Hymen, Midnight Tranny to GA, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Piss Cycle, Softcore Analyst, The S&M Man, Tickle My Elmo, Twat of Darkness, Two Clump Chump, Up Her Ali, Where’s My Vagina?

The Trail:

The S&M Man led us in chalk talk to the audience of two South Philly women; I am not sure which group was more vulgar. During the introductions we realized that False and Back check was not represented, does that mean there will not be any? Nice try. We headed south towards Oregon Ave, and meandered along till we ended up in one of the infamous courtyards from the Festival of lights trail. We continued along and realized that this trail was taken from the Little Red Ridding Wood play book, I hope they paid royalties. After going under the scary tunnel we headed over to the stadium complex finally turning into FDR, RFK, or JFK (Elmo was not sure which). We settled into the Boathouse for a beer check. Like the ale houses of the revolution, many important topics were discussed. CYHMN entertained Chernoblow with tales of the Philadelphia Lakers who played ice hockey at Meadow Lake. As official fact finder, I investigated the real reason for the building we were huddled in. There was further ponderings into who Lord Chesterfield was. All I know is based on one of his quotes, he would not have made a good hasher; “Frequent and loud laughter is the characteristic of folly and ill manners.” Lord Chesterfield

After several drive-bys from the five-0 we decided to on in for:

Circle

Hares: Mr. Snuffelupamuff, Midnight Tranny to GA

Virgins: Just Jerry by Tickle My Elmo, Just Megan by Jug Stain, Just Matt by Just Liz

Visitors: Arseanal from Rhode Island HHH

First in/ Last in: Just Jerry/Up her Ali, Big Tackle, Chernoblow

Cums Lately: Chernoblow, Lick Hymen

Auto Hashers: Jug Stain, Just Megan, Lick Hymen, Piss Cycle, Bonsai Bush

Accusations:

Softcore Analyst for stating he had a verklempt colon

Jug Stain for bringing a stunt liver (acceptable behavior in my opinion)

Lick Hyman for attempting to overachieve by running to the hash, but showing up late

Chernoblow for offering Arseanal money for services (again acceptable behavior in my opinion)

Where’s my Vagina and Softcore Analyst for overachieving and wining age-group awards

Lick Hyman for botching a visitor/virgin accusation

Tickle my Elmo for “forgetting” to remove his heart monitor

CYHMN accused Lick Hyman for not drinking for this round of accusations

Once Lick Hyman was called into circle it caused a paradoxical circle jerk causing CYHMN’s accusation to be false making him drink (reminds me of back to the future II)

Midnight Tranny to GA for choosing the loudest bar ever and under when one hare drinks Muff was called in

Announcements

Full Moon at Bonners

Lick Hyman wants people to come over and see his balls after the Full moon

Over Heard at the Hash

MUFF “Why didn’t you run tonight?”

Just Megan “I don’t run, I run after kids all day.”

2 Clump “You are a pedophile also?”

On, on,

Two Clump Chump

Long Long time ago…

I can still remember, how the On-Secs used to write the trash

And I knew that if I had my chance

I could make those half-minds laugh

If only they’d be sober, for a while.

But summers swelter made me drunker

With every BN I did discover

Free beer for all the hashers; I couldn’t take one more song.

I can’t remember if I lied

When they accused me of newer shoes

But something touched me deep inside

The day, the On-Secs, died…

Well, that is enough of me attempting to sing…lets face it, yall hate my singing enough when you are forced to wait with beer.  I can’t imagine you would actually want me to go through the whole song without benefit of booze (maybe all trashes should come with a two-drink minimum?).  Anyway, it was a beautiful Thursday evening when the motely crew we call a drinking club rolled into Sugar Moms, complete with its hipsters, low light, and questionable PBR (really, since when do they actually charge 3 dollars for a PBR?  I’m still somewhat annoyed by that).  [GM's Note: The PBR was only $2,but still too expensive.] Apparently, though, Sugar Mom’s is popular with more than just hipsters and hashers…as we had just about the largest gaggle of virgins this side of a Catholic school dance.

Who all decided to show up and pop more cherries than a frat senior during sorority rush?  Hold the Rimmer, Up Her Ali, Seize ‘Er Muff, Fire Down Under, Bonsai Cock, Two Clump Chump, Soft Core Analyist, Porn 2 Fail, Itemized Seduction, Can You Hear Me Now, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, and She Felt A Fish, plus our virgins (we’ll get to them later).  Despite being told multiple times to bring ID, numerous half-minds forgot, so we were entertained in song by S&M Man, until everyone could come out and meet our virgins.  Who are they?  Well, that would be no fun if I told you right away, would it?  Will they ever come again?  Maybe…if you actually follow through on your promise to call them later in the week!

After our extended chalk talk, the Mob didn’t even make it one whole block before getting twisted up.  Of course, that was due to our illustrious hare, Two Clump Chump, who seemingly lived up to his name by laying barely more than two marks before his first back check.  Squirreling around though old city brought us past the original home of the BFM, Paddy’s Pub, and then over towards the river, where we found every hashers favorite pet; Crabs!  More running around Penn’s Landing eventually brought the pack down South Street (mmm…more hipsters!), and to a new potential favorite bar, Marco’s! 

Our pack of hashers was apparently interesting looking enough to attract the attention of two Marines who found our particular brand of fun (ie, drinking) worth following back to Sugar Mom’s…but not without bribing the mob with shots of tequila first.  With that, the mob made their way back to begin downing PBRs and showing virgins how a real half-mind drinks, while an apparently pre-pubescent S&M Man cracked his way through calling for circle (either that, or he was trying to emulate his fellow RA, Bonsai Bush).  First in to circle to show our virgins how to drink was our hare, Two Clump Chump, who was accused of having a trail which was full of cobblestones, shots falses, tequila, and overall shitty-ness.  Next up were more virgins than at a Star Wars convention: Just Kate, Brian, Ted, and Danielle, who were brought by Midnight Tranny to Georgia; Just Spencer, who was brought by Just Ben, a visitor from the White House hash; Just Liz and Allison, who were brought by She Felt A Fish; Just Syreg, who was brought by Fire Down Under; and Just Andrew, by B. Orgy, a visitor from Hockessen.  Down down down down they went, and up they came, cherries freshly popped, along with our two Marine pick-ups, Just Ryan and Barefoot Nicky.

Next up were our visitors.  First to try his luck with the option was Necrophilliac Jack from Boston, who was promptly laughed at and told to try again, so he sang us his namesake song.  Cum Locker, also from Boston, was more successful with her hash flash.  Just Brad told us an acceptably bad joke, and Just Brian showed us all his joke of a full moon.  On to our normal business…Up Her Ali entered circle for being first in, and was joined by Just Danielle who was last in, although Porn to Fail stepped in to act as her stunt liver.  Cums Latelys included Piss Cycle, Twat of Darkness, She Felt A Fish, and Porn to Fail, and Piss Cycle then remained in circle as our lone Autohasher.

Next up, of course, was everyones favorite part of the evening, Accusations!  Muff had the first accusation for Just Nick, for being an overachiever and running with his sandals, and was joined by his fellow Marine, Just Ryan.  Short Distance Rimmer accused Tube Cock next for the horrible crime of complaining about too much beer (a problem he might have had the next morning as well).  Cum Locker was apparently a racist, so she got another beer as well.  This led to more racist accusations, as Tube Cock accused Bonsai Bush of cuming second in a Triathlon (she was still annoyed that he came first, however).  Hold the Sausage then accused Tube Cock for not screwing his wife enough (as she was being rather loud in circle…), which of course led to our first round of ‘when one GM drinks…’, bringing in Two Clump Chump.  Sausage then had another accusation for Tube Cock, this time for wearing a Canadian flag.  Porn to Fail added an accusation for Bonsai Bush for stopping Just Nick’s offer of Tequila shots for the mob.  Sausage had another accusation for Tube Cock, apparently he was also racist.  Tranny’s virgin, Just Brian was accused by Seize Ur Tits for wearing new shoes, so Tranny got to drink out of them.  Rimmer added in an accusation for our strapping young Marines, Just Nick and Ryan, since they weren’t trying to find harrierettes to help them miss their morning flight as well.  Sausage then accused Rimmer of not being cognizant of the fact that ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ has been repealed, and so maybe the Marines weren’t interested in the ladies after all…

With that, accusations were closed, and we were left with a few stammering of announcements.  First up, it was apparently Stan’s birthday…although Stan was not present, nor were his parents, so it was a bit of a moot point.  Fire Down Under is having a happy hour for cancer; talk to her for more info.  Itemized Seduction announced the Philly Interhash, which both will be and will not at the airport.  Announcements were delayed for one more Autohasher, Sleeps Around the Cock, who tried to sneak in at the last moment.  With that, Tube Cock was drunk, Just Nick ran off for more shots of Tequlia, and the rest of the hash devolved into its usual oblivion.

-Short Distance Rimmer