BFM #309: Stupefied over Blinding Shorts

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By Mr. Snuffleupamuff January 23, 2010
As the year of the pallocentric tyranny comes to a close, I feel relief. No longer will I have to worry about bringing pad and pen to the hash. No longer will I have to make time over the weekend to write from notes that I cannot read and from a memory that was impaired by alcohol. To all you who have griped and moaned, it actually is a tough job. Now it’s your turn to take up the role. Go for it!
 
So this is the end. My last trash. No tears here. But there is some satisfaction. I’d like to thank Raginal Discharge for helping me with this week’s trash and I would also like to thank her assistants, Post Anal Drip and Swollen Cockpit.
 
On this cold, but clear Thursday night, the Mob met at Callahan’s on South Street. The bar tender was eager to serve us the 23 pitchers of beer. When else does he have more than ten people in his bar? Perhaps he did before the South Street bridge was closed for the 10-year project. Raginal Discharge and I arrived promptly at 7:25, awaiting the 7:30 hash-time. The clock struck 7:30 and no one else was there. But come 7:40 a steady stream of hashers came hustling in from the cold. Come 8:10, they were still arriving. Rear Engineer inquired about the time and shrugged off the idea that we were behind schedule. His ruling era is coming to an end and it’s time to sit back and admire the mess he fostered. In his defense, I think he’s done pretty well with lining up the beer specials. The power of the Mob has helped. Bringing 40 people into a business yields economic power to bargain for reduced prices. Long gone are the days of “14 bucks for a pitcher and take it or leave it.” Heck, perhaps even one day Hashers will have a lobbyist in Washington. A legit one that is.
 
For now we’ll just enjoy our power in the Philadelphia bars. Incidentally, the word philia, also called brotherly love, is one of the four ancient Greek words for love. In honor of the year of the phallocentric tyranny, I’ve provided you with a list of philias. (I left out some for your protection.)
 
Abasiophilia: love of people who use leg braces or other orthopedic devices.
Acousticophilia: sexual arousal from certain sounds.
Agalmatophilia: sexual attraction to statues or mannequins or immobility.
Andromimetophilia: love of women dressed as men.
Apotemnophelia: desire to have (or sexual arousal from having) a healthy appendage (limb, digit, or male genitals) amputated.
Autogynephilia: love of oneself as a woman.
Dandrophilia: sexual attraction to trees or other large plants (popularized by the movie Superstar with Molly Shannon).
Eproctophilia: sexual attraction to flatulence.
Katoptronophila: sexual arousal from having sex in front of mirrors.
Klismaphilia: sexual pleasure from enemas.
Macrophilia: sexual attraction to larger people or larger things (including large body organs, such as breasts and genitalia.
Maiesiophilia: sexual attraction to child birth or pregnant women.
Masochism: is the recurrent urge to want to be humiliated, beaten or bound; or made to suffer.
Microphilia: sexual attraction to smaller people and things of smaller sizes (I could insert a comment about half the mob dating Little F*cking Winkie, but I’ll refrain).
Necrophilia: sexual attraction to corpses (Rear Engineer loves to sing a song about this).
Phalloorchoalgolagnia: sexual arousal by experiencing painful stimuli being administered to the male genitals. 
Pictophilia: sexual attraction to pictorial pornography/erotic art.
Pluchophilia: sexual attraction to stuffed toys or people in animal costumes, such as theme park characters.
Pyrophilia: sexual arousal through watching, setting, or talking about fire.
Retifism: sexual attraction from shoes.
Sadism: sexual attraction from giving pain.
Schediaphilia: sexual arousal to cartoon characters/situations.
Somnophilia: sexual arousal form sleeping or unconscious people.
Sitophilia: sexual arousal from food.
Spectraphilia: sexual attraction o ghosts.
Telephone scatologia: arousal by making obscene phone calls.
Teratophilia: attraction to deformed or monstrous people.
Transvestic fetishism: sexual attraction towards the clothing of the opposite sex.
Trichophilia: sexual arousal from hair.
Urolagnia: sexual attraction to urine.
Vorarephilia: sexual attraction to being eaten by, and/or eating another person or creature.
Voyeurism: sexual attraction through watching others engage in erotic behavior.
Xenophila: sexual attraction to foreigners (in science fiction it can also mean sexual attraction to aliens.)
Zoophilia: emotional or sexual attraction to animals.
Zoosadism: the sexual enjoyment of causing pain and suffering to animals.
 
Straws were drawn with Mediocre & Stupid snagging the short one. Hollering for a volunteer to co-hare, she came across another moment of stupidity and picked Cause For Blindness to lay trail with her. Off they went for what was sure to be a truly shitty and short trail. The GM called out the Mob for the chalk talk, led by our two Religious Advisors, Hold The Sausage and Scooby Snatch. “If you find that trail has mysteriously ended, look in the bushes for Cause For Blindness. That’s where she’ll be hiding.” Brought into the circle for detailed instructions were two virgins, Just Steve (who didn’t know his own name) and Just Aliza. It was Fruit Of The Clue who made Just Aliza come (it’s okay, it was done in a kosher way). Just Steve came when Just Adam told him about his extensive internet research of hashing (however Just Adam did a horrible job teaching Just Steve how to drink a beer. Perhaps Just Adam was too worried about stretching before hitting trail).
 
With the formalities out of the way, off the Mob went for what was surely a circle around a five-block radius, with a beer check at Bonner’s. The hares barely made it back before the Mob and in came everyone for the awaiting pitchers of lager and…..
 
Circle.

Hares: MediStu and Cause
Virgins: Just Steve and Just Aliza
Front Running Bastard/Bitch: Mother Bates
Dead F’ing Last: Flounder
Comes Lately: Mother Bates, Flounder, Cause For Blindness, Dr. Squeal Good, Scamming Old Ladies (who asked if hash-cash was still $7) and Sternum & Rectum. 
Auto-hashers: Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Raginal Discharge, Just Holy, Goes Down Often, Just Ari, Snap Off, Cleavage To Beaver, Dr. Squealgood
Accusations:
Rear Engineer for allowing Cause For Blindness to co-hare.
Fuit Of The Clue for deciding to move to Chicago.
Just Steve for wearing new shoes (the virgin was either spared or it was a false violation).
Twat Of Darkness for coming out in public wearing her construction safety-vest.
Jingle Balls for hosting a hash that no one could remember (sounded acceptable though).
Mr. Snuffleupamuff for leaving the haberdashery stuff at the last hash (but Raginal Discharge is the elected official in charge of haberdashery).
Fruit Of The Clue for getting a job in Chicago, but not at an old department store.
Jingle Balls for emulating Dancing Fool on trail, with his very own trash bag.
Twat Of Darkness for now wearing her day-glow safety-vest in circle.
Just Ari, as well as Sternum & Rectum for dressing like Paul Bunion.
Fruit Of The Clue for moving to Chicago and taking that picture of his family in a bathtub with him.  
Holly F*ck for leaving a hash early to watch the Real Housewives of Jersey Shore.
Just Steve for hashing trail in jeans (overachieving).
Post Anal Drip for finding a job and not milking government subsidies.
Fruit Of The Clue for moving to Chicago and taking his shorts with him.
Just Holy for pointing her finger in circle.
Fruit Of The Clue for not giving the Ben Franklin Mob advanced notice of leaving.
Up Her Ali for blaming her case of mono on the hash.
Mother Bates for allowing someone to secure him with a ball and chain.
Fruit Of The Clue for wearing a r*ce ID on his shoe. And Just Aliza too!
Scooby Snatch for ninja-humping.
Midnight Tranny To Georgia and Rear Engineer for conspiring together, growing sinister looking facial hair.
Fruit Of The Clue for being a racist at the Houston Marathon (his 15th – what an overachiever!).
Fire Down Under for being a racist.
Fruit Of The Clue for the impending vomiting that will result from all these down-downs.
(And thus Fruit successfully tossed a full beer over his right shoulder onto S&M Man.
 
Who else came but got no beer:
Short Distance Rimmer, Chernoblow, Virgin Pimp, Just Chrystine, Just Anne, Whiskey Dick, SoftCore Analyst, Just Joanne, Ride My Handlebars, Bonsai Bush, One Night Only, Son Of Goat F*cker, Tube Cock, Tickle My Elmo, Where’s My Vagina. If you do not find your name anywhere above it because you either did not come or you came after I consumed too much beer.
  
Announcements:
-The strip-club fund raiser was last night. Raginal and I had a great time and something else was raised.  
-Raginal Discharge still has two Year of the Tyranny tee-shirts left (XL only). They are only $10 and buying one will help silence her (and recoup her money).
-Thursday, Jan 28, 2010 is the hash where we nominate officers to mismanage next years meetings of the Ben Franklin Mob. (Shameless plug: Raginal burned out on being HashCash, so I’ve been helping out. I kinda like it. Something about the power without a ton of responsibility. Vote for Muff!
-Friday, Jan 29 is the Philadelphia Full Moon Hash. Theme is “Do Shots, Don’t Get Shot,” featuring a trail through Fairmount with 15 shot-checks. This is an A to B hash. You are not permitted to drive home. Take public transportation for this once-a-year event, or stay with one of your 15 friends in Fairmount.
-Feb 5-7 is the annual hash ski trip at the Seven Springs Ski Resort, Pennsylvania. It is hosted by Every Day is Wednesday H3 and every year the BFM lands their own condo. Registration gets you a condo on the slope, lots of beer, lots of food, lots of skiing on lots of slopes, hot tub party and a pub crawl. Oh, and hash trail if you so choose. Reginal Discharge and I are registered and can provide a ride up.
-BFM’s AGM is in three weeks (I have no idea what AGM is an acronym for, but it is where you get to kick out the current team of misfits and toast the newly-elected officials who will make a valiant effort for the first three months and then say, “aw f*ck it” for the remaining nine months).
-The Philly Hash on Feb 6 is being hosted by Snap Off.
-The Greater Philadelphia Area hash chapters are coming together to host the 2010 Green Dress Hash this coming March. Start looking for that perfect dress now!
-Bay To Breakers Hash weekend in San Fran is May 14-16 with the must-see Pink Tutu Hash on the 17th. If you have never done Bay To Breakers, you have not experienced the country’s largest parade (which you partake in). More details coming from your tour-guide, Where’s My Vagina.
-Cousin It is having the biggest hash-tailgate ever, at a Phillies game this August.
 
Overheard at the hash:
 
Just Joanne – “I like wrestling and I like beer.”
 

Rear Engineer – “Now this is the rowdy hash of the old days that I miss.”

Hold The Sausage: "We could have the ‘Do Shots’ trail go past St Joes hospital just in case of alcohol poisining. But you might go in for poisoning and mistakenly come out with a vasectomy."
 

Unnamed Harriett – “So say something dirty… I’ll start… I slept with two guys at the same time.”

 
And with that my friends… the Mob drank themselves into the night. And the era of Mr. Scribeamuff came to a close. The end.
 

On-on, you f*ck’n f*cks!!       ~ Mr. Snuffleupamuff

 

categories Trash

BFM #303 Festivus 2009

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By Mr. Snuffleupamuff December 15, 2009
To the tune of: Winter Wonderland
 
Lacy things, the wife is missin’
Didn’t ask, her permission
I’m wearin’ her clothes
Her silk pantyhose
Walkin’ ’round in women’s underwear

In the store, there’s a teddy
Little straps, like spaghetti
It holds me so tight
Like handcuffs at night
Walkin’ ’round in women’s underwear

In the office there’s a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown
He’ll say, "Are you ready?" I’ll say, "Whoa Man!"
"Let’s wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna
We can dress, like Madonna
Put on some eyeshade
And join the parade
Walkin’ ’round in women’s underwear

Lacy things- missin’
Didn’t ask- permission
Wearin’ her clothes
Silk pantyhose
Walkin’ ’round in women’s underwear
Walkin’ ’round in women’s underwear
Walkin’ ’round in women’s underwear

 
The Festivus holiday blew in with a cold winter wind. It was technically still fall for another week, but the cold weather is here and holiday decorations are festooned everywhere. The mood was bright and cheerful, as the holiday of Festivus had begun!
 
As tradition has it, the Mob celebrates by taking a night off from scampering through the streets leaving a trail of white flour. Instead, we walk through the streets, leaving a trail of white flour as we crawl at a snails pace from bar to bar. Fortunately, this pace allowed us to stick together, avoiding being lost on trail, all thanks to the brilliant planning of our grand masturbator, Rear Engineer. Patiently (and soberly) we waited on each corner for Rear to decide which bar we would go to and which direction that bar would be.
 
The pub crawl trail began at Cavanaugh’s on Samson and 18th, which previously was called Barrington’s. The English mafia had decided that the city of Philadelphia did not have enough bars named Cavanaugh’s, so the name was changed to just that, one year back.  But with a new name came new standards. The Mob was no longer relegated to the basement. We packed in the main bar upstairs, where various delicious beers ran through beverage lines that haven’t seen a cleaning agent in twenty-some years. But at least they had free food. Missed out on that? Yes, you did. The hors d’oeuvres server could not squeeze past you wankers, so she stuck to serving the people on the fringe of the group, which included me. Pen in one had, finger-food in another and a pint glass in the third, I quickly made a list of every hasher who came, checked it twice and headed out into the night as our religious advisor, Hold The Sausage, called us out for the chalk talk. 
 
The remaining attendees of tonight’s festivities were: Holy F*ck who brought a v!rgin named Just Becky. Tickle My Elmo, Dumpster, Just Joanne, Just Anne, Little Red Riding Wood, He’s A Lesbian in his Lurch costume, Big Tackle, Just Holly not to be confused with Holy. Tube C*ck who arrived sockless,  One Night Only, Sternum And Rectum, Cause For Blindness, Flounder, Skin Fiddle, Son Of A Goatf*cker, Whiskey D!ck who was on a hash date with Just Syd (they got a babysitter), Grab My Handlebars, Softcore Analyst, V!rgin Pimp, Raginal Discharge, Bonsai Bush, Jingle Ballzzz (his favorite time of year), Goes Down Often, S&M Man, Short Distance Rimmer, Fruit Of The Clue, Snap Off, Just Karen, Nappy Headed Ho, Midnight Tranny To Georgia, Two Clump Chump, Grab My Handlebars, One Inch In, Deep Discunt (both of which had a lovely discussion about porn – true to their names), Working Girl, Sleeps Around The C*ck, Where’s My Vag!na, Mediocre And Stupid, Fire Down Under, Scooby Snatch, Cleavage To Beaver, Up Her Ali, and Just Eileen.  
 
From Cavanaugh’s we went to Black Sheep, but our front crawling bastard said it was too crowded as they had already booked other Festivus parties. Thus, we circle jerked over to Rendezvous, which is a popular bar for the hashers to hang out in on a non-hash nights. The look on the bartenders face as the 30 of us walked in was priceless. We gathered up seats and merrily shared cups of cheer. Skipping a bar on the pub crawl meant extra time to kill and thus more brain cells to kill, as well as more time to allow conversations to take several wrong turns. But before I could finish my fifth pint glass, off we were for the grueling crawl around the corner and up the stairs to the third floor of Good Dog. I never knew this bar had a second floor. I never knew this bar had a third floor. Four civilians knew this floor existed and we quickly surrounded them. Not to be outdone, two of the civilians bravely (funny how alcohol lowers your inhibitions) joined our circle. They will be referred to as Random Girl V!rgin and Random Boy V!rgin.
 
Just Becky was brought into the circle for her inaugural down-down. It was Holy F*ck who made her come. Just Becky had just moved into holy F*ck’s building and was looking to make thirty friends. The Random Girl V!rgin was pushed into the circle by her supportive civilian friends and rebounded by performing a perfect down-down. With the v!rgins temporarily out of the way, we ridiculed the comes-latelies: Tickle My Elmo, Holy F*ck and Up Her Ali. We had to Festivus babies, so we celbrated their birthdays and gave Fire Down Under and Up Her Ali birthday side-sides. With that nonsense out of the way, it was time for airing of the grievances.
 
Let me count the number of ways you have disappointed me this year. Twenty-five.  And with that, our co-religious advisor, Scooby Snatch, took the Festivus pole and proclaimed that one must be grabbing hold of his pole to air their grievance.
1. Mediocre and Stupid had issues with He’s A Lesbian for losing our beloved mascot, Stan.
2. Fruit Of The Clue was bashed for still has a picture of his family sitting in a bathtub hanging on the wall.
3. V!rgin Pimp acquired a girlfriend this year and is no longer living up to his name.
4. Bonsai Bush had a problem with Raginal Discharge signing up to be an over-achieving-ass-clown and backing down last minute.
5. He’s A Lesbian had a problem with all you Facebook users who are both Farm Family fans and Mafia Wars fans.
6. Deep Discunt was blasted for letting the Phillies lose.
7. Fire Down Under had more issues with He’s A Lesbian for losing Stan.
8. I had issues with Fruit Of The Clue. The BFM list-serve currently has 278 members and each time he emails it, we lose one member.
9.  Cause For Blindness said blah blah blah blah blah.
10. Scooby Snatch had a problem with Cause For Blindness touching his pole.
11. Up Her Ali wanted to know how one man, Big Tackle, could take on so many managerial roles. He was GM of the Philly H3, the Full Moon H3 and the Liberty Bell H3 – all simultaneously.
12. Jingle Ballzzz had issues with Cleavage To Beaver for playing with her ukulele in public.
13. Scooby Snatch asked why in the world Jingle Ballzzz would wear red tighty-whities (which were peaking over his droopy drawers).   
14. I had a problem with all four of you who know the Stan Hash song.
15. He’s A Lesbian called out a mating call. It sounded like: wah wah wah wah.
17. I have something else written here that is unlegible.
16. The S&M Man had issues with Where’s My Vag!na for pimping in his neighborhood.
18. Scooby Snatch had issues with all of you loud halfminds, but really had a problem with how quiet Son Of A Goatf*cker was.
19. Rear Engineer was once again yelled at for publishing the location of the next Hash in an untimely matter. You only have three more months of dealing with that!
20. Cleaveage To Beaver declared: screech screech screech screech.
21. Mediocre And Stupid was disgusted that S&M Man would touch his crotch to the mouth of the Flabongo.
22. Random Boy V!rgin suddenly grabbed the pole and announced: Korean, Korean, Korean, Korean.  He then proceeded to do his down-down by taking a key and shotgunning the PBR Pounder. Overheard were comments of “He did it right” and “Best v!rgin ever”.
23. The S&M Man had big problems with Fruit Of The Clue wearing those crazy shorts all year.
24. S&M Man also complained that Two Clump Chump was too short.
25. Cleavage To Beaver had a grievance against S&M Man for having a buttocks that was way too hairy. She doesn’t like alfalfa sprouts in her salad.
 
I think that about sums it up. The Circle of Festivus was closed for yet another year.
 
Overheard at one of those wrong turns the conversation took:
Little Red Riding Wood: “The bar for next week used to be called Lick Her On The Spot” (or maybe she said Liquor On The Spot. I’m not sure.)
Just Holly: “He has a huge pole” (she was referring to Son Of A Goatf*cker’s huge pole.)
One Inch In in a deep discussion: “Working in a candy store is way different than working in a gynecological clinic because you may have a store of lots of tasty treats out of the hundred, but in a clinic, you might only have one tasty treat of the hundred you encounter." ( I may have paraphrased here.)
Unnamed Female Hasher: “Oh my Goodness, you so look like you have a huge pole up your butt.”
During the fetes of strength (which was a sweaty game of thumbwrestling) one female hasher taunted the other female hasher with: “Why doesn’t she grab my tits!”
  
Announcements:
The next hash will be hared by Little Red Riding Wood in celebration of the annual Running of the Lights. She will set trail through the neighborhoods in South Philly that are known to put on a display that brings people in from all over. This is the one time of the year that neighbors actually speak to each other, in collaboration of bringing together whole blocks of holiday decorations. It’s definitely a sight to see!

categories Trash

Nappy’s Hood

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By Mr. Snuffleupamuff October 28, 2009
On this night the Mob met that the Institute in the Fairmount section of Philly. I’m found of this bar, as it is truly a mom and pop establishment. The Mob first met here when it first opened, as it is in walking distance of the lair of the phalocentric tyrants. It’s my understanding that Just Don walks over every morning to get his fix. Over the past year that the Institute has been open we watched as they expanded their selection and built the upstairs into a second bar and dining room. Each booth has its own TV and appears to be a good place to watch your favorite college football team manhandle Michigan. My point is that I highly recommend you spend your dollars here on a non-hash day to keep mom and pop in business (and mom really knows her craft beers).
 
Reginal Discharge and I walked in just as straws were being selected. It was down to three straws. I know not to pick the straw sticking the furthest out, but Reginal was not aware of this and picked the short straw. Her response, “Oh fck no” meant that a nice gentleman was going to have to volunteer to lay trail for her. I took a step back and Nappy Headed Ho took a step up. Fruit of the Clue took his side. After all, this was Nappy’s neighborhood and who better to lay a good trail than somebody who knows streets other than I-676?
 
And a good trail it was once we found it. Unfortunately the Mob blindly jogged ½ mile in the wrong direction without ever seeing a dollop of flour. Here’s a tip for all you newer hashers (and goodness knows there are 50 of you). We call “on on” when you see 3 globs of flour in a row. This accomplishes several goals: 1. it lets the pack know you are on trail and not blindly following a drunken halfmind. 2. it annoys the neighbors. 3. it allows the hashers who have fallen a few blocks behind to follow the sound of the hollering pack.
 
After doubling back the half mile (adding one mile to the trail) we found flour and scampered through some interesting neighborhoods. Some blocks were shady, but suddenly you would have a decent looking block mixed in with normal looking people. And it would be shady again. There were the urban folk hanging out on the corner providing some good quotes as they called out to us. The trail was pretty well laid, taking us through unchartered territory, down long and narrow alleyways, over broken crack vials, past blathering homeless people, and laid well enough to keep the pack together. Heck, even Flounder was FRB at some points. From Fairmount we crossed through Northern Liberties and upon heading back around we came to the beer check at Nappy’s. Out of his own good will, he provided a 24 pack of beer. Except there was 25 of us. No worries, the bottle of vodka from his freezer sufficed.
 
The Mob milled around while the Religious Advisor, Hold The Sausage and her cohorts freed a cat that was precariously trapped in a fence. Off to the vet she and her group went as the rest of us walked the three blocks back to the bar. Really. The beer check was three blocks from the bar. But free beer is good beer and I’m not one to complain verbally.
 
With the RA gone it was up to other members of mismanagement to lead circle. Who better qualified than our former GM, Up Her Ali. And what a strange circle it was. UHA kept us orderly with directives such as, “All right fcko’s.” Accusations were heard. I believe Anal Pro Boner was the FRB for the night, as she had slipped back into the bar after leading us on the one mile jaunt to nowhere. She had brought a virgin named Just Drea. There were no other virgins, but we had some visitors from HHHHH (Harrisburg/Hershey Hash House Harriers, otherwise known as H5.) I wrote their names down on a napkin and that is where they will stay. But I do remember one name – Butt Pirate. He made his daughter come. It appears that she is a hash baby, just all grown up now. – I think (we didn’t card her). They had some long songs and short jokes, but were a fun group.  
 
This month is apparently the trendy month to have a baby. We had several birthday side sides to carry out. Cause for Blindness, Goes Down Often and Big Tackle went through the ritual. There may have been a fourth side side, but I had several beers at this point. Rear Engineer was a no show and escaped the groping of the ladies.
 
Sadly, it was announced that Anal Pro Bonor was moving to Denver Colorado to be personal counsel for John Elway and this was her last hash. But she will return to visit, her first return being as early as Festivus Hash. Her hashing days date as far back as to when Can You Hear Me Now was named. She knows of a hash chapter known as the Liberty Bell H3. A quick check of BFM’s diligently kept records shows she hashed in the day of Tastes Like Chicken, Lunar Digit, Bitchard, and Tinkerbell. She was hashing back when the Mob frequented McGillan’s. She was always known to bring one or two virgins.
 
Other announcements: This week is BFM’s Halloween Hash. If you are one of the two people that don’t wear a costume, we will heckle you. The 300th hashing of the Ben Franklin Mob is two weeks away and should be packed full of entertainment. There is the Young Friends Happy Hour hosted by Students Run Philly Style which is a great community service volunteered by several of our fellow wankers. Read the e-vite.

 

On-oN you fcking fcks!               ~Mr. Snuffleupamuff

categories Trash

BFM #284 Wooly Beavers

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By Mr. Snuffleupamuff August 2, 2009

You know it’s a good bar when you walk in and see a large sign advertising Beamish Beer. And things only got better. Hats off to our well endowed Grand Master for working out several good deals. More on that later.

 

It was the last Thursday of an unusually mild July and a little on the warmer side this time around. I was smart enough to wear all black. Who would make a performance tech running shirt black anyway? Blame it on the half-minds of San Fran H3. So I stealthy arrived last minute to find the Mob spilling out of Wooly Mammoth onto South Street. I’m always amused when passersby stop to see what the hubbub is. Our ever-tireless Religious Advisor, Scooby Snatch explained to them what the flour markings meant.

 

And off the Mob went on pursuit of the hares, Two Clump Chump and One Night Only. South of South Street we went, dashing through sidewalk cafes, sprinting through the left-overs of the Italian Market and sidetracking an outdoor musical performance. Two Clump Chump lived up to his name, but we did manage to find the shot check at Cleavage to Beaver’s abode. Once through her front door I was assaulted by the view of a very large bed in the middle of her living room. It does, however, fit her sexual personality – always put the bedroom first. This spicy harriett spent last weekend experimenting with ingredients to come up with some sweet and tangy shots that were frozen into slushies to beat the heat. The red drinks went well with the orange Cheetoes.

 

Lingering a little longer than usual in the air-conditioning, the Mob finally departed and followed trail to the bar – the way the bee flies. Upstairs we found a large open area with some pool tables, our very own bartender and the perfect setting for a

 

circle

The crotch air-out still survives.

Our hares were Two Clump Chump as well as One Night Only

Front Running Bastard was Son of a Goat Fcker

Dead F’ing Last was S&M Man

Our virgin (who was born again) was Just JD

A visitor? Scamming Ol’ Ladies from the Finally Friday Fckoff Hash in Japan.

Comes Latelies were Skin Fiddle, Just Trist, Just Peter, Little F’ing Winkie

Auto Wankers were Cousin It, Cleavage To Beaver, S&M Man, Skin Fiddle, and Little F’ing Winkie escorted by Goes Down Often.

At this point the circle was infiltrated by two drunks. Our RA, Scoobie Snatch didn’t miss a beat and invited them in for a down down as we sang to them. Perhaps these two wankers were hashers in their former lives, because they almost fit in. Almost. The one shirtless drunkard kept repeating over and over as he walked away, “I’m stupid, I’m stupid.” Sigh. If it wasn’t for your mother.

Accusations were aired. Just JD littered on trail. Dr. Squeal Good for being as blind as a surgeon. Fire Down Under and Scooby Snatch do everything together including dressing alike. Goes Down Often was dressed like she was working the corner, but that accusation was shot down because it is exceptional hash behavior to wear slinky black dresses, with high heals and no underwear. S&M Man was accused of blathering some mindless dribble. Snap Off and Working Girl are racists for participating in the Pajama Run (knowing Working Girl’s history of donning elegant lacey things, I’d like to see pictures of this Pajama Run). Big Tackle was a big oaf and fell down some steps. The RA announced a birthday side side and the women suddenly rushed to Working Girl, as to not be left out of the opportunity to hold a healthy piece of meat. It was rather disgusting the way they swooned over him. He managed to drink his beer side ways and hopped out of the circle with his shoes tied together and bruises from being groped.

Announcements:

  • Mr. Snuffleupamuff has On On Foot Magnets. Ask for one at any hash.
  • Cousin It said something inaudible, but my translating-beer-bottle informed me that around 80 people are coming to the Phillies Tailgate and it is going to be a big f’ing mess. Cousin It will be back next Thursday to repeat this message.
  • The Philadelphia Hash House Harriers are hitting trail this Tuesday, cohared by The Rash and Cunting Season.
  • There are about 11 of us doing the Tuckahoe Sprint Triathlon/Duathlon/Aqua Bike (something for everyone). The registration is still open. Should be a good time because we have some beginners as well as some overachieving ass-clowns in the group. We will be BBQing after the event.
  • The BFM will convene this Thursday in the Chestnut Hill neighborhood. It is a quick train ride there. If you pay the $6.75 to ride round trip you get Free Hash, Free Dinner and a Free Keg of Beer. Wow.

 

Rear Engineer announced that he was not holding stripper cash, but rather jukebox cash. The bar gave us free music. The bar also gave us free nachos. What a great bar! But then I heard Journey on the jukebox and changed my mind.

 

Who Else Came?

Virgin Pimp, Sleeps Around The Cock, Bonsai Bush, Just Julia, Target, Just Peter, Mignight Tranny To Georgia, Just Martin, SoftCore Analyst, and me, Mr. Snuffleupamuff

 

Over heard at the hash:

Softcore Analyst: “Dude, I lost my shorts.”

Goes Down Often: “I can’t come.”

categories Trash

BFM 280

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By Mr. Snuffleupamuff July 9, 2009

Reginal Discharge and I made our way over the Hash at Cherry Street Tavern via our bicycles from the great northwest section of the city. It was a beautiful, sunny and mild evening and you could tell the fourth of July weekend started early. Everyone was out in force. The roller-bladers, the dad’s pushing strollers, the ladies walking four wide on the River Path. And don’t forget the pack of shirtless college boys that caused Reginal to make odd noises. I scanned this topless pack in search of Short Distance Rimmer, but it turned out he was already at the bar waiting for the Mob to gather.

 

Who did not come: Beefcake Strokenoff, Can You Hear Me Now, Jungle Ballzz, Strap On, He’s A Lesbian, Little Red Riding Wood, Goes Down Often, Where’s My Vag!na, Heave Ho, Cunting Season, Wonder Blow, Nappy Headed Ho, Piss Cycle, One Inch In, Deep Discunt, Post Anal Drip, Tickle My Elmo, Flounder, Mayer Quimby, Well Hung Jury, Sloppy Ass Kisser and European’ On Me.

 

Rear Engineer handed out the straws to the hashers that did come. The winner was AssVentura. His “partner” Silence Of The Clams stuck by his side and the two headed out the door in a presumable panic. The trail serpentined its way through Center City West in what was a surprisingly well laid trail. There were several strategic false trails, some circle jerks and wild checks in the middle of the parkway. It’s summer time and the fountains are in their full glory with lovers standing ankle deep, posing for photos. The sidewalk café guests were full of wonderment of this motley group running past. The shop owners were concerned of the abundant piles of white matter at their doorsteps. Not too hot and just the right temperature to work up a pleasant thirst for a cool beverage. But there was none to be found. Apparently the hare could hear the harriers at his heals. In a fearful fit of energy, he put on the after burners, left his cohere, and hightailed it back to the Cherry Street Tavern. Silence Of The Clams was still out there making her way over to what would have been a beer-check. She almost arrived back DFL. But that honor went to Rear Engineer. The FRB was Working Girl, who screamed past me in a blur streak as if he was a fighter jet chasing the Statue-buzzing Air Force One. The “blue” in the streak was his blue Liverstrong jersey he acquired while hashing in Honolulu a few weeks back. With working Girl’s five minute miles, we may need to insist that he hash all trails in pumps.

 

We had four visitors from places like Carolina Trash, Lehigh Valley Hash We now have a transplant, One Eyed Semen, from Portland Maine, that’s MAINE you half-minded swashbucklers. We also had a v!rgin brought out by Second Coming. I don’t recall the v!rgin’s name, but if you really want to stalk him, he rides his bike from Lansdowne to Paoli every day to work.

 

The circle consisted of many lame accusations followed by the naming of Just Rachel. Down on the floor she was forced to kneel, but first a napkin was gently placed so that she may kneel on her oozing knee. Just Rachel was still suffering from a bicycle accident the previous week. We marveled how she managed to scrape only the outsides of the knees.

 

It brought back thoughts of the mugging of Pelvis Has Left The Building as she rode her bike through the streets. Hope you are okay out there Pelvis, wherever you are!

Just Rachel informed the captive Mob that her knees were purposely oozing, as she had spread some kind of lubricant on them to assist in healing. As she kneeled there before the Phalocentric Tyranny, interrogation toke place and we discovered that she 1. likes it on top, 2. owns several lengths of leather whips, and 3. prefers to blindfold her men. That being said, some names were tossed around carelessly. There was one name about sausages and goats, but I couldn’t read my handwriting that night – and I still can’t. Another names tossed out was Sausage Wallet. (I can’t believe I haven’t heard that term before.) A shrill voice yelled out Daddy’s Little Drunk. Also introduced were Little Stiffy, Nice Areolas, Grab My Handle Bars, and Moist On Purpose. After some "we’re not voting" it was narrowed down to Grab My Handlebars and Moist On Purpose. And so by the power of Grayskull, our goal-oriented GM named her Grab My Handlebars, referring to her kneeling and pigtails that she has previously worn her hair in. So, Just Rachel, if you ever have a security back-ground check and they ask if you go by an alias, you must declare, Grab My Handlebars.

Due to the bright lights and the presence of Bonner’s near by, the crowd quickly dispersed. A few of us went to Liberty Tavern at Market and 23rd for some pints and food. With signs on either side of the tavern that read Live Nu-de G!rls, the group decided to explore the seedy depths down below, err, surprisingly, upstairs. Giggling, we paid our $5 cover and were lead into an empty room smaller than my bedroom. It had a pole, a stage and 4 folding chairs for us to sit in. Perfect! That is, until the women came out. I was tipping them just because I felt so bad for their looks. And what was up with the 36 inch tattoo of a spider? Well, we will have to journey back to see if they hired more girls to see if they increased their two dancer staff. Or maybe next time we’ll just go to Bonner’s.

On on bitches!

 

 

categories Trash

BFM #276 ~ Goes Down for a Naming at Bonner’s Winkie

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By Mr. Snuffleupamuff June 6, 2009
To go or not to go. It was chilly, raining and my foot hurt. But how could I not attend this week’s hash? Our beloved Little F*cking Winkie was coming back for a visit. He’s the self-proclaimed founder of the BFMH3. If it wasn’t for him, we’d be home watching Must See TV on our Thursday nights.
But besides the lure of the little winkie, there was the possible naming of Just Jill. We’ve gone for six long months and somehow we were still referring to her nerd name. It was bound to be an eventful night. All to be had at our favorite hash-bar, Bonner’s Irish Pub.
I arrived with Raginal Discharge to a smaller crowd than I anticipated, but as it turned out, the rain simply slowed their commute. The night ended with a decent sized Mob. Even comes-latelys were seen: Lick Hymen was able to come out during the rain delay of the kickball game, Virg!n Pimp persuaded his girlfriend to untie him, and somehow the US Border Agents let Little F*cking Winkie back into our post-911 country. He brought his illegal girlfriend, Just Karen, who hails from Toronto. Canadians must be easy. But then again, so is the hash.
Goes Down Often went down on the short straw and the ever gallant Jingle Ballzz volunteered to help the damsel in distress. Mistake number one.

The two halfminds set out to lay trail with a mysterious red-brick colored chalk. Mistake number two. 

[Note to future GMs. Red-brick colored chalk does not show up on red-brick sidewalks.]

Off the mob went to follow the invisible trail. Wandering aimisly south along the Schuylkill river. Where they went from there I’ll never know as I followed the invisible trail towards city hall and around Rittenhouse Square without ever coming across the hares or the Mob. Wet and lonely, I returned to Bonners to douse my frustration in a pitcher of Lager.

The ineffective hares returned before I could finish my pitcher and the Mob was hot on their tail. In came (listed in random alphabetical order) Fire Down Under, One Inch In, Deep Discunt, Just Alex, Short Distance Rimmer, Hold The Sausage, E=My Cock Squared, Working Girl, Midnight Tranny To Georgia, Two Clump Chump, Just Becky, Rear Engineer, Raginal Discharge, Softcore Analyst, Big Tackle, SexDeniedTonight, Mediocre & Stupid, Just Rachel, Cherry Poppins, Post Anal Drip, Nappy Headed Ho, Holly F*ck, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Where’s My Vag!na, Cause For Blindness, Flounder, Lick Hymen, Tickle My Elmo, Wizard Of Ass, Sh!tty Date, Just Liz, Scooby Snatch, Virg!n Pimp, Little F*cking Winkie, Just Karen, Fruit Of The Clue and We’re Not Voting. Beer was passed out and armfuls of pitchers were bought for the…

Circle: The ineffective hares were Goes Down Often and Jingle Ballzzz. Visitors were Little F*cking Winkie and Just Karen traveling all the way from Canada. “What do you call my cheese? Nacho cheese.” CumsLately was Little F’cking Winkie who came back for a Hash Wedding (Philly Hashers). Virg!n Pimp hasn’t been here in a while either. Auto hashers were Fruit, HTS, We’re Not Voting, Just Jill, and others. There were a bunch of accusations, but I only heard a few above your stinking loud mouths. We’re Not Voting ran prior to the hash then went home to shower, change, and came to auto hash. Deep Discunt did a marathon in Mexico. Sh!tty Date wore racing socks with no underwear. Rear Engineer did an Iron Man half way. Fire Down Under did a triathlon Upstate. Mr. Snuffleupamuff did a duathlon which is not quite a threesome. Goes Down Often was letting it all hang out with her pants unbuttoned in circle. And when one ineffective hare drinks….    This brought us to a naming! Just Jill was finally kneeling before us. She was interrogated by our Religious Advisor, Scooby Snatch. Just Jill researches strokes while laying in the missionary position but does volunteer with the Mile High Club. Some name suggestions were tossed into the circle. We’re Not Voting assisted when we weren’t voting. The name suggestions that made it into the final round of eliminations were Mile High Virg!n, Stroke All Of Me, Stroke For The Cure, Fills Her Up, Landing Strip, Stroke My Cockpit, but the name that won the common vote and not the electoral vote was ….. Sleeps Around The Cock. If you don’t know where her name comes from, then you’ll just have to attend next year’s Bay To Breakers Hash in San Francisco.

Announcements: Medicore & Stupid is having a party for the Philadelphia Championship Bicycle Race. Details are on facebook. If you aren’t friends with her on facebook, you probably are not friends with her, and if you are not friends with her, why would you want to go to her party? The BFM Prom Hash is Thursday June 11, 2009 at TA Flannerys. This is the biggest night of the year and your chance to dress up for a chance to take the dress off and hit the sack with a fellow hasher. Rear Engineer has rented out the bar for our private party so be prepared to take public transportation and prophylactics. Bruce-a-Palooza is June 27th. It’s a leg-breaking good time. The world famous Cousin It Phillies Tailgate is August 8th. The date is guaranteed to be changed, but also guaranteed to be the best tailgate you have ever attended.

On on YFF

~ Mr. Snuffleupamuff

 

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BFM #270 ~ Me like to run long time

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By Mr. Snuffleupamuff April 29, 2009

 

 

As told by Mr. Snuffleupamuff

Prior to the hash I stopped by the happy hour in support of my fundraising fellow BFMers who were raising money for the Students Run Philly Style. It was great to see so many friends out for a good cause. The bar was jumping and I was throwing off that ax-appeal to the working class. They had to love my sweaty running clothes and dirty, beer-stained sneakers. After sharing some beers with a few harrietts I ventured over to the Hash at T.A. Flannery’s only to bump into Just Anne. And bump I did. She was brought by Wonder Blow who was getting ready to lay trail and mistakenly left her in the hands of Kansas Dan. I feel bad for her, but she was a good sport. And for the record, her two newest friends on Facebook are Kansas Dan and V!rg!n Pimp.

 
Tonight’s hash was in honor of our beloved Scamming Old Ladies. He has decided to move (again) to Japan. Sooner or later we will realize that he keeps moving there for the many going away parties we throw him. To tie the theme together, Scamming Old Ladies teamed up with his trail-laying partner, Wonder Blow, who hails from a Hash in Japan.
 
Off the two wanna-be ninjas went, pretending to lay flour for the Mob to follow. Once again the Mob was graced with a truly sh!ty trail. There were more circle jerks than a Japanese b-u-k-a-k-e movie. But the support staff saved the day by offering shot checks and sake checks. It was dericious!
 
After galloping up and down the beautiful Schuylkill river trail, we came back into Flannery’s for the
 
CIRCLE
 
FRB: Just Stephanie (who likes to spread it out)
DFL: Holly F*ck as well as Just Jill
they’re a little flat chested but they are all right.
 
V!rg!ns: Just Anne who was made to come by Wonder Blow. Just Mike who had nobody to make him come, but to tell you the truth we found him on trail lingering in the park. Just Stephanie and Just Liz came with Scamming Old Ladies, Just Emily who isn’t really a v!rgi!n but has been celibate for so long that her status was returned to her courtesy of AnalProBonor.
 
Visitors: Pie Pan from Savannah H3
I See White People from the Carolina Trash
Just Craig from Rridgeport CT
 
Accusations:
V!rg!in Pimp for having tech on trail
Swollen Cockpit for getting lost driving 2 blocks away.
Scamming Old Ladies for moving to Japan
And Scamming Old Ladies for moving back again.
A 69 birthday side side was given to Sly Fox and Nappy Headed Ho
 
WHO ELSE CAME
Bitchard, Where’s My Vag!na, Just Calvin, Fruit ze Clue, Cherry Poppins, Goes Down often, One Inch In, Fire Down under, Likes The Hard One, Sh!tty Date, Mediocre & Stupid, Deep Discunt, Just Derek, Midnight Tranny To Georgia, SoftCore Analyst, Scooby Snatch, Broke Back Pipes, Flounder, Clump Clump Chump, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Just Keith, Target, Cause For Blindness, Just Bill, Son Of A Goatf*cker, Rear Engineer, Reginal Discharge, H2Ho, Cleavage To Beaver, Bumble Beaver (aka Tara Newone) Jingle Ballzz, Random 2 People Sitting In Corner, Dr. Squealgood, Working Girl (in his PJs)
 
ANOUNCEMENTS
-Roller Derby on Saturday May 2 as this may be your last chance to see Bumble Beaver in hot girl banging girl action. Bumble’s derby name is Tara Newone. Support the good cause and buy an ticket to this championship bout! Phillyrollergirls.com
-Do the Broad Street R*n and tailgate the Phillies game with us.
-Speaking of Tailgate… Cousin It will host his Phillies Tailgate in August. The date and time will certainly change several times but this is indeed a very fun party.
-Likes The Hard One would like you to hash through her wedding, for whatever reason.
-Bruce-a-palooza is coming soon to a lake near you.
 
OVERHEARD AT THE HASH
“I like how the older they get the easier it gets to f-them” – Scamming Old Ladies
“Is your vagina sore?” – Unknown
“My nipples are hard” – GDO
“I want to touch them” – AnalProBonor (speaking to Just Anne)
 
 

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BFM # 268 And when one hasher drinks……all hashers drink.

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By Mr. Snuffleupamuff April 15, 2009
As told by Mr. Snuffleupamuff
 
You would think that since Spring was here it would be warmer. But no. I was whining the whole way to the Hash about how cold it was. I arrived at Callahan’s on South Street to find a fellow hasher breathing heavy all over a v!rgin. I looked around for V!rgin Pimp only to find him outside talking on the cell phone to a loved one. My, how times do change! I was only away for two weeks, but where did all these new faces come from? Where was Little F’ing Winkie, E=My C0ck Squared, Can You Hear Me Now, Eauropee’n On Me, Nice Nuggets Fat Ass, Popeye’s B!tch, Strap On and Nappy Headed Ho? Sigh… but wait, here come our faithful RAs, Hold The Sausage and Scooby Snatch. Okay things are warming up. As I made the rounds introducing myself to the 20-some people that I did not recognize, the short straw was drawn by Dr. Squealgood and Midnight Trany To Georgia.
 
The trail was actually pretty good. I was FRB as usual. The Mob got lost on train tracks as usual. And we made our way around the Graduate South neighborhood until we came upon a beer check at the Yellow Bar. There was no way of knowing that the name of the bar was Yellow Bar unless you lived across the street with the Ho’s at the Naval Square Condos (which miraculously is no where near the navy yard). Most eateries and watering holes have a gimmick to draw customers in and the Yellow Bar’s gimmick was to serve beer in 4 oz tea cups. Pretty trendy.
 
After 20 minutes of sipping with our pinkies out, we ran on-in to Callahan’s which turned out to be around the corner. Attention harriers and harriett’s – this is one of the cheapest bars around, with $7 pitchers! And we halfminds purchased 30 of those pitchers for the…..
 
Circle  
 
Hares: Dr. Squealgood and Midnight Tranny To Georgia
FRB: Mr. Snuffleupamuff
DFL: Cause For Blindness
V!rgin: Just Melissa (friends from China made her come)
Visitors: Dublin D!ck from the Hockessin H3 and Taste My Rainblow from the Hillbilly H3
 
Who else came? Just Patrick, He’s a Lesbian, Attila the Hung, Scooby Snatch, Little Red Riding Wood, Flounder, Hold the Sausage, Swollen Cockpit, Just Derrick, Just Rachel, Big Tackle, Working Girl, Just Tom, Just Jill, Tickle My Elmo, Silence Of The Clams, V!rgin Pimp, Cleavage To Beaver, Just Gregg, Subcuntinent, Beef Cakes Strokenoff, Deep Discunt, Ass Ventura, One Inch In, Son Of A Goatfcker, Reginal Discharge, Raidr, H2Ho, Holly Fck, Just Keith, Short Distance Rimmer, Rear Engineer, Hold The Sausage, Heave Ho, Two Clump Chump, Tight Lips, Pink & Puffy Rides The Huffy, Major Piece of Ass, Up Her Ali, Just Rick, The Rash, Mediocre & Stupid, Cousin It and some name I cannot read that looks like Swff.
 
Accusations:
There was plenty of drinking to do, so to lead of the circle our v!rgin was made to drink. And our religious advisor, Hold The Sausage called in everyone who had ever visited China to partake in the downdown. Impressively, half the Mob had ventured to China or had gotten stabbed there.
Then H2Ho (being the rocket scientist he is) was accused of downing a beer with a hat on. And of course when one Ho drinks….all Ho’s drink.
And when one bald hasher drinks….
And when one lesbian drinks…
And when one flip-flop wearing hasher drinks….
(This is where the 30 pitchers came in handy)
Mediocre & Stupid was accused of farting in circle
Cleavage To Beaver was accused of enjoying the fart
V!rgin Pimp for having food in the circle
And when one v!rgin drinks….
The RA’s were accused of not calling out the Cumslatelys
He’s A Lesbian was accused of commissioning a rendering of his bust for the wall of the bar.
And then the New Shoe Nazi (aka Scooby Snatch) accused our v!rgin for wearing new shoes to a hash. She boldly declared that the shoes were not new, but that she would drink a beer out of them anyway. And naively she did. The Shoe Nazi circled the crowd looking for his next victim and hollered out my name in a gleeful accusation. But the brew had altered his state of mind, as the shoes I was wearing were already drunk from last February and still have the tea colored stain to show for it.
At which point the circle was out of control (more so than the previous thirty minutes) and our grand master ordered the circle closed. Truth be told, Rear Engineer was dying to play flip cup. Callahan’s is one of the few bars that allow one to play drinking games. And Callahan’s even purchased fancy new tables for the games. And thus I snuck out into the brisk night before I could be sucked into a game that would surely have me looking like something the cat drug in.  
 
Announcements:
 
Thursday April 23
Several hashers are volunteering there time by getting the kids off the street. In support of this effort, they are hosting a charity happy hour. Here’s your chance to do some good by coming out to socialize prior to the 7:30 (8pm) Hash. Both the happy hour and the Hash are scheduled to be held in the same area. A $10 donation at the door gets you FREE FOOD and $3 Blue Moons or Coors Lights; $4 wine; $5 Mangotinis or Lemonades.
When: Thur April 23 from 5:30 to 8:00 (prior to Hash)
Where: Public House 1801 Arch St (near the Hash)

Sunday May 3rd   Sly Fox Brewery Goat Races are coming up, so if you have a goat, register it now.  See the email that Up Her Ali just sent out.

Saturday June 27th: Bruceapalooza hosted by Mayor Quimby. It’s such a popular event, he had to create a website for it: www.bruce-a-palooza.com but due to the economic downturn he had to lay off the webmaster who is in charge of updating the site.

 Overheard at the hash:

“Save a horse, ride a tuba”

“I’m with mediocre and stupid”

 

 

categories Trash

BFM #264 Green Dress Pre-lube

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By Mr. Snuffleupamuff March 13, 2009
as told by Mr. Snuffleupamuff
 
I was a little intimidated by beginning my foray into the glorified position of Onsec. After all, the other three Onsecs work for publishers. Quite the opposite, I work for the Federal government. I can’t tell you exactly what I do because bad things would happen to you, but let’s just say that if Jules Winnfield was able to get creative with his work, I could as well. Ah heck, who am I kidding? I couldn’t even show up with a working pen. So Cherry Poppins lent me her fabulous school teacher pen, but then pulled a George Costanza by leaving the bar without it (she’ll end up calling me on a Friday night to come by and "get the pen.")
 
As we waited for all the wankers to show up we discussed the important social issues, such as, “what will Working Girl be wearing Saturday? The ladies anticipated feasting their eyes on his calves. Would he again be running in the pumps that resulted in his spontaneous naming at last year’s Green Dress Hash? Sloppy Ho discussed her fellowship coming to an end and she needs to start applying for other positions. She’s hoping that some of us will write her letters of referral. You can text her at 803-409-9966.
 
Knowing that Clump Clump Chump was haring was a little intimidating as well. In regard to laying trail, he is similar to the energizer bunny in that he keeps going and going and going… He’s small and furry like the energizer bunny too.
 
But tonight was going to be a big night leading up to the St Patty’s day events. There were prospects of bountiful tail. Where else can you spend just $7 to get a good buzz and a warm body to grope?
 
Who came to Westy’s:
Nappy Headed Ho, Subcuntinent, Hold the Sausage, Cleavage to Beaver, Assventura, Just Theresa, Sxtracredit, Beefcakesstrokenoff, Target, Softcore Analyst, Sloppy Ho, Wonder Blow, Dr. Squealgood, Cause for Blindness, Like the Hard One, Just Ron, Major Piece of Ass, Pooper Trooper, Mediocre&Stupid, S&M Man, Rear End Loader, Gritty Kitty, Mayor Quimby, Midnight Tranny to GA, Fiber Opdick, Well Hung Jury, Cunting Season, Just Greg, Swollen Cockpit, Gomez, Just Jill, Where’s My Vag!na, Flounder, Just Andy, Goatf*cker, Son of a Goatf*cker, Save a Horse Ride a Tuba, Brokeback Pipe, Scamming Old Ladies, Jingle Ballzzzzzz, Mother Bates, Three Balls, Attilla the Hung, Raginal Discharge, Mr. Snuffleupapen
                                                                                                                          
Hares:
Holy F*ck as well as Clump Clump Chump
Virg!ns:
Just Keith and Just Kurt and Just Greg

The well marked trail took us around CenterCity and to a beer check at a decent bar with a wise-ass of an owner. And then on to another beer check down some steps and into a parking garage where a security guard spouted some incomprehensive words of, either encouragement or warning. I thought he was perhaps a former hasher, being the half-mind he is, but it turned out that he has been sober for 28 years now. {He ideally should have stopped drinking 68 years ago.}
Back at Westy’s the Mayor bought the Mob a round of shots in honor of his good buddy who moved on to better places. Forty-some shots later (and a lot of dollar bills) the energy was flowing for a circle.

FRB: Subcuntinent
DFL: Cause For Blindness
 
Visitors: Gritty Kitty from Jolly Roger H3 in Tampa, Rear End Loader from several of the DC Area Hashes, and Goat F*cker from a Hash out towards Left Coast.
 
Accusations: Clump Clump Chump for not dressing like a leprechaun, but rather dressing like a genie.
Dr. Squealgood for showing off fancy new gloves that have a pocket for a key.
Scamming Old Ladies for being nice to old ladies.
Medicore&Stupid for c-blocking the Republican Party.
Just Ron for smoking on trail.
Mr. Snuffleupamuff for making fun of the parking garage security guard.
Assventura for running ahead of the pack to show off his butt.
Son of a Goatf*cker for making Goatf*cker cum

Cums Lately: Atilla the Hung for getting engaged and avoiding the Hash. Pooper Trooper who we have not seen since Little F*cking Winkie invented hashing.
Sloppy Ho who brought all her Groupies into the circle.
  
B-day Side Sides:
Just Jill
Major Piece of Ass
Holy F*ck
Clump Clump Chump
 
Circle was closed and reopend for Scamming Old Ladies to drink out of his new shoes and so that our visitor Gritty Kitty could show off her mammary glands. And so Mother Bates could drink for having his hair cut too short.
 
Overheard at the hash:
Cleavage to Beaver – “They kicked me out of the Brownies for eating a Brownie.”
Freakydeaky girl – “It’s a thousand shots!”
Mediocre&Stupid – “No-face rule.”
Sloppy – “Why are you wearing skirts?”
Freakydeaky boy – “I had a guy with a third nipple.”
Raginal Discharge – “He’s wearing my dress this weekend. My dress!”
 
Announcements: Unless you’ve either been living under a rock, or running endless laps around Kelly Drive’s 8 mile circuit with Fruit of a Clue, you already know the announcements. If not, sign up for the email list-serve.

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