BFM # 227 – A re-run
Posted on July 3, 2008
Despite Up Her Ali’s clues, there were several people who did not understand the significance of 227. Although we didn’t go down to DC to visit the famed stoop of our youth, we did see many familiar sights. Our first familiar sight was the bar Westy’s, home of Karaoke and the famous Westy’s Fries. Our next familiar sight was the return of Little Fucking Winki, who only comes to town when we are at Westy’s, I’m beginning to think that he didn’t actually move, he just lives underneath the bar. To his defense he did bring Just Karen with him, a very convincing Canadian.
Who Came:
Anal ProBoner, Atilla the Hung, Big Tackle, Billy G Goate, Cause for Blindness, Cousin It, Cunting Season, Dublin Dick, Fiber Opdick, Flounder, Fruit of the Clue, Heave Ho, He’s a Lesbian, Hold the Sausage, Holy Fuck, Jingle Ballzzz, Just Dev, Just Jen, Just Jess, Just Julie, Just Karen, Just Neighbor John, Just Peter, Just Stephanie, Lick Hymen, Little Fuckin Winkie, Little Red Riding Wood, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Nappy Headed Ho, Panic Button, Pink n’ Puffy, Piss Cycle, Plastic Pud, Popeye’s Bitch, Radar, S&M Man, Scooby Snatch, Short Distance Rimmer, Skin Fiddle, Sloppy Ho, Subcuntinent, The Rash, Three Balls, Two Clump Chump, Up Her Ali, Virgin Pimp, Working Girl
The Trail:
Note: Like so many of the BFM’s daily activities, this trail had a secret plot. In an attempt not to divulge top secret information, it was discovered several hashes ago that a certain cross-dressing pilot, made an emergency landing in an undisclosed country, and happened to buy several cases of quality German beer. It was further discovered that said hasher was willing to share this stash with the hash (rhyming unintentional). Since there was a beer check already in the works, I am willing to give this trail “theme status” which excludes it from the rigorous scrutiny that a not purpose laid trail would normally endure. That being said, here goes…
Little Red Ridding Wood agreed to escort Working Girl on what I think was his maiden voyage (we have enacted an unofficial rule that all virgin layers bring a helper, and for good reason). On her way out the door, Wood asked me to run chalk talk in her absence, I’d like to think it had to do with my esteem within the hash or my ability to command a crowd, but more likely I was the first person of vague importance that she saw on her mad dash out the door. Luckily for me (and all of you) our illustrious GM showed up and took the reigns. We were introduced to some virgins and some visitors and then off we went. Trail went west then north then east. After being chastised by the back of the pack for running to slow, I made my way up to the front, were I found some of our newer members leading the way. How did I know they were new? They didn’t realize the Hares were a block ahead of them. I yelled “on hare” and took off. Working girl took off and being the gentleman that he is left Ridding Wood in his dust, feverishly trying to lay marks. After a two block battle, they gave up, and informed me of the beer check. I declined to take over, but decided to join them in laying. After instructing the virgins to give us 5min we took off towards Working Girl’s, a old Artist’s material warehouse on Buttonwood St. W Girl and I went up to get the beer, while Ridding Wood was sent down to open the parking lot gate. We walked out the door to the elation of the pack who was eagerly awaiting the promised beverage. As we divvied up the beers, which all had different methods of opening, the other hare rounded the corner gate remote in hand. Some how she got lost walking down three flights of stairs? As the pack consumed their beverages a confused neighbor returned home from the gym, hell of a welcome home. I offered him a beer and explained who we were, and he was instantly intrigued, who wouldn’t be. As we stood around Just Jess decided to fix her hair, with her beer still in her hand, and spilled half of it on our host who was kneeling down to retrieve a beer for another hasher. The beer check rapped up and the pack took off. We started running west back towards the bar when at the corner of Market and Callowhill, the trail “thinned” out a bit. The pack of new FRB’s wanted to look for more trail, I explained that we were a block away and it was ON IN, but they insisted in following in the footsteps of E and finding every mark (there were no more marks).
Circle:
It’s Westy’s so that means outside circle, I seem to recall last time I could barely write I was so cold.
Hares: Working Girl/ Little Red Ridding Wood
First in/ Last in: Pisscycle-Anal ProBoner (really it was Subcuntinent but she refuses down-downs whenever possible)/ Lick Hyman-Working Girl
Virgins: Just Karen by Little Fucking Winki, and Just John by the Hash
Visitors: Panic Button from H5, Dublin Dick from Hokesin, Just Stephanie from New Jersey Bimbos
Cums Lately: Little Fucking Winki, Attillia the Hung, Big Tackle, Fiber Opdick, Just Peter (were not sure about this one, I swear he is a transplant from Erie, via Beijing, but he claims he hashed with us once like a year ago)
Auto Hashers: Skin Fiddle, Heave Ho, Hold the Sausage
Accusations:
(Here is another on of those re-runs I was telling you about)
As the accusations were being announced a car pulled into the lot and headed towards us, was this it, where we busted by the fuzz. Not quite Fruit of the Clue literally auto-hashed right into the circle, so of course he drank for that.
He’s A Lesbian for picking his nose on trail
Two Clump Chump for catching the hare and not removing an article of clothing
Just Julie for tech on trail (she doesn’t drink so Lick Hymen stood in for her, us chosen ones gotta stick together)
Just Jess Alcohol abuse (see beer check)
Little Red Ridding Wood Alcohol abuse (she was so excited when Fruit showed up, that she knocked over a beer)
At this point it was announced that we had a birthday and Cunting Season was called in to do a side-side, she took the beer, but said she wasn’t doing on her side. I didn’t know we had a choice, but seeing as how must of us are intimidated by her, no one argued. Then Fiber jumped into the circle exclaiming it was his birthday also. Between all the noise and the fact that Pink and Puffy was yapping in my ear, I don’t know if this was for real or not. But in any event he completed his down-down in proper form.
Announcements:
Full Moon Bash (Bike Hash): Too late it already happened, but we did name Just John
Phillies Tailgate: I don’t know the details it’s like a month away, ask Cousin It
BFM #228: Cherry Street Tavern, see the website for more info
Bruce-a-palooza: There is a web site www.bruce-a-palooza.com (it’s real I checked it out)
Over Heard at the Hash:
Cause for Blindness “How long did it take him to get it off?”
Anal ProBoner to Holy Fuck “Can I put Winki’s keys in your butt?”
On, on,
Two Clump Chump
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BFM #226 - Happy Solst-ASS Everyone!
Posted on June 26, 2008
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BFM #225 PROM HASH 2008
Posted on June 17, 2008
Ahh, prom…
We all have memories of our high school proms. Whether we were outside the event, cursing the fact that we couldn’t get a date before we went home to pork our mattresses, or getting dressed in that powder blue tux, or gown with the frilly things on it, spending 39,665 hours in the bathroom, popping gigantic, mongo-sized zits into the mirror. Then it was downstairs to either meet or pick up our dates while our parents took terrible Polaroids of us (the cheaper parents that is, the rest had their 35mms, or instamatics) that still adorn their mantles to this day, much to our chagrin.
We try not to remember dancing to the Hooter’s “And We Danced,” like maniacal rock-em, sock-em robots, or puking into the backseat of the car at the after party. We weren’t picked to be prom king or queen, (or maybe some were), and we clapped politely when they won, while hoping their dog died. Oh, and lets not forget the pathetic attempts at losing our virginity on the beach in Wildwood, either crying afterwards, mumbling to our dates that it’s not supposed to happen that quickly, or just taking the duct tape off her mouth. I’ll let you figure out which future physicist and Verizon Wireless representative I’m talking about. Thanks for the corrections to last week’s trash, guys!
The memories of prom will be forever ingrained in our psyche. For the women, I’m sure the memories of NOT being asked out by that hot college guy so you could prove to your fellow high-schoolers that you were oh so mature were painful. Especially when you had to settle for that young republican who clumsily took your virginity and then had the gall not to call the next day after depositing you crying and “Sloppy” drunk with a “Rash” on your doorstep, and trying in vain to wash semen stains out of your dress. I’m not talking about anyone in the BFM, nope, not me!
Our Prom promised to be different. Well, sort of…
The BFM showed up for our third annual prom hash at Bonners, which for some strange reason has NOT thrown us out for good. I don’t know who should be more ashamed, the bar owners or us. But I digress. Hashers came from far and wide for our gala event, some from as far away as Hockessing. They showed up in a variety of tuxes, dresses, and in the case of Two Clump, both sewn together. He smiled and said, “I’m my own date.” OK, there’s another word for that and begins with the letter L.
2008 ATTENDEES AND WHO THEY WERE WEARING:
(Otherwise known as “When bad clothes happen to drunk people”)
Cunting Season (wearing a black dress from Dolce Cabana), Bent Peter (In a Nike outfit), Cousin It (T-shirt from Hanes, flowered shorts from 12&Spruce), Deathwish (Hockessing H3, Goodwill), Yeast of Burden (H4 Goodwill), Big Tackle (grey tux from his past), Short Distance Rimmer (HTS products), Mr. Snuffalupamuff (Miami Vice ‘r Us!), Just Jenny (Pierre Cardin), Sloppy Ho (Red Dresses for Blue Staters), Jingle Balls (Sloppy’s Wigs & Pimp Emporium), Strap-On (Tameeka’s Maternity Wear for Children), Hold the Sausage (Santa’s Helper and Bunny Shop), Likes The Hard One, Heave Ho (Her actual HS Gown!!!), Skin Fiddle (the Gap), 2 Clump Chump (Gown from Goodwill, Blazer from Buster Browns), Lick Hymen (wearing a dress he swore wasn’t his), Just Blythe (Versaich’s Knock-Offs for Women), Just Julie (wearing a turquoise wedding gown), SubCuntinent (HoldMeUp Wear), Virgin Pimp (Borrowed From Trinity Funeral Home), Just Wilmar (Chipendale’s Surplus), Holy Fuck (I Goldberg’s Parachute shoulder pads), Bumble Beaver (In a blue surplus Roller Queen Gown), Little Red Riding Wood (her actual HS Senior Prom gown), Just Andrew (Nike), Cherry Poppins (Cleavage from Vickey’s Secret, Flowered dress from her mom), Midnight Tranny to Georgia (Rash’s dress from 2 years ago! Go check the pics if you don’t believe me!), Rear Engineer (Tuxedo and matching Viking helmet with horns on his head by-HEAD? WHO SAID HEAD…), He’s A Lesbian (tux by Goodwill), S&M Man (Blue Velour Tux by Enrique’s Clothing Cabana), E=My Cock Squared (Crass Bros. Men’s Store: Store of the Stars), Rash (Joan Crawford Outfit from Danni’s Drag Queens), Europeen On Me (St Vincent D’Paul), Cause For Blindness (Red velour thing from Two Guys), Just Jessica (Goodwill), Just Crystal (Sex & The City Special), Popeye’s Bitch (plaid skirt courtesy of St Maria Garetti’s HS for Girls), Just Dave (Jessica Ingram), Tastes Like Chicken (Ross For Less), Just Rachel (Cherry hand me down), Just Rich (Stepfather’s Dress), Mayor Quimby (Batman Cape and dress from Davis’s Trading Post), Up Her Ali (Sparkly thing from Harry’s Hooker Emporium and Jackie O sunglasses), Fisted Sister (Five different outfits she changed into on the way to the hash before settling on Goodwill), Well Hung Jury (Baseball clothes by Dick’s), Working Girl (in a Yve St Laraunt Dress and HEELS!), Fire Down Under (with her ever-present boob painting), Flounder (Wearing the infamous Tux T shirt), Pink and Puffy Rides The Huffy(A Plis).
Since it was a pre laid trail, our Hares this evening were the multitalented Little Red Riding Wood and Jingle Balls. They gave a brief chalk talk and Wood decided to run clean up. Walkers and runners took off into the hot spring night.
THE TRAIL
The pack ran North up 23rd to then across the street, and West across the Chestnut Street Bridge into University City where everyone promptly stopped and looked around, quite confused until Wood started screaming “On-On!” and pointing to the pedestrian ramp down to the Schuylkill trail. Off we ran, north to the Art Museum, passing legitimate joggers who looked at the maniacs and wondered just what the hell was going on. Instead of our usual answer of “BEER!” to their “Why-are-you-running” questions, our reply this evening was “PROM!!!” Let them figure it out.
As we rounded the bottom of the Art Museum, we saw the blessed BN signaling a quick respite. Did I mention it was flippin HOT by the way? I mean I usually sweat like a meatloaf, but this evening I was really spritzing in my $10 tux. That and the fact that I could barely breathe the bowtie around my neck. Who am I kidding? I have no neck. We got there to find Skin Fiddle, wearing his Chaperone sticker and T-shirt and shorts, (I guess all you needed was a sticker? Nice) handing out beer. Some of us really wanted water, which tells you how hot it was. During this time, cries of “Oh my GOD!” filled the air as Just Jessica found out that not only was S&M man adorned in a blue velour tux, he had also died his pubic hair blue! OK, now quick, go back to your happy place. Don’t think about it, don’t reread that last sentence, just keep going…
Yes, they were blue.
The beer stop didn’t last long and before you knew it, we were off again, running around the other side of the art museum, hanging a brief left by the gold Joan of Arc statue and down Pennsylvania Avenue. SubCuntinent was having a problem with her panties falling down or something because she kept trying to hike her skirt up as she ran, with a few female hashers laughing at her in sympathy. Then I realized they were using Working Girl’s running in heels as a pace-setter, since his rhythmic clump clump clumping was reminding a few of them of the trauma of childhood piano lessons. Then, we passed alongside Von Colin Park (named for the Fairmount Park cop who was killed in a grenade and machinegun attack by the oh so peaceful Black Panthers in 1970).
Mayor Quimby then did something that endeared himself to some of our newer female members who really don’t know him yet. Now remember, Quimby was wearing a dress with a Batman cape on. As we ran by the park, he spied a 4 year-old kid in a superman outfit. “Hey Superman! Let’s go!” he yelled, prompting little Just K (Name withheld by parent’s request) to sprint after him. The little guy actually kept up for a bit, scaring the hell out of his father who chased after him, not just a little concerned that his son was chasing a grown man wearing a dress and a batman cape. Of course he was worried, kids have turned up on milk cartons for less. Don’t worry sir, we don’t kidnap children… um, er I think.
Behind the Rodin museum we ran and then across 20th East down another street past the Youth Studies Center, where 2 Clump informed me that he had almost been confused with a child and accidently imprisoned there, then, right down 20th St, before hanging a quick left behind the Free Library of Philadelphia. As we ran East, we wondered where the next beer stop would be, and saw the trail turn left up 16th, we began counting off the bars we knew, Would it be Kellian’s, the home of the giant cockroaches? As the trail turned east down Callohill, I inwardly cheered. Westy’s! They LOVE us there! I hadn’t been there since Halloween when I dressed as Captain Underpants. It would be grea- No suck luck.
Down we ran down 15th St, then right by Hahnemann Hospital (where the naked 300lb psycho had thrown me over a nurses station) then we hung a quick right, and into a 12 story parking garage, past people headed to a real prom, and up the stairs. All 12 flights of stairs. Some of lazy hashers used quick goat thinking and took the elevator to the top, but not all of us. Some of the more overachieving ass-clowns actually schlepped up the entire TWELVE flights of 39,665 stairs. At the top was a blessed beer check.
I thought about swilling a beer, but thought I might actually puke so I wanted to get some H2O in me first. Cunting Season handed me a bottle of hot water that for all I know may have been sitting up on the roof fermenting the whole time. She said that Skin Fiddle or Jingle Balls or someone had gotten it for her, but it was pretty hot. I wasn’t the only one to drink from it, so CS might have been nice to me. Incidentally, the hallucinations have died down and I no longer see Aztec temples in my living room, the walls no longer drip blood, and the dog no longer talks to me in Mandarin.
The rooftop venue was a great idea and we all took advantage of it to take a group picture. Our trusty Photographer, Mr. Snuffalupamuff got us all lined up and tried to set the timer, but had to redo it about ten times. I guess a group picture is more difficult to shoot than an upskirt pic. By the way, Mr. Snuff has a date with a girl he met online soon. For details, just keep watching “Dateline.”
Someone cried “On-On” and we ran for the elevators, too lazy to run down the damn stairs again. 2 Clump said, “Hey I got a great idea, we’ll beat em.” And we ran down a flight to catch the elevator, which took us UP, despite our smacking the hell out of the down button. Everyone piled in on us and we stopped back at the next floor. Then the one below it, and then the one below that. We were to find out later that Europeen On Me had ran down the stairs hitting the elevator button on every floor she reached. Now I know she denied it vigorously during her later down-down, but I want proof that it wasn’t Fire Down Under, or a one-armed man.
Out we ran, past more real prom-goers, to 15th St where a check awaited us. Someone remarked that the perfect place for a beer check would be at an actual prom, which is something to think about. I mean when was the last time one of us got locked up? I know Holy Fuck was for that bridge jumping incident, but really, when?
The trail continued down 15th, down Broad past the Union League and onto Walnut where we ran by all the dumbfounded yuppies, eating outside. I’m sorry, I know you want to have a romantic dinner, but how is the smell of stale urine in 90 degree heat and the sounds of sirens, car horns, and “It’s my parking spot, motherfucker!” romantic? Not to mention the 40 some-odd lunatics running by, screaming “On-ON!” Sorry, ADD moment there.
In we ran to Rittenhouse Square, where some people cheered us, and we found our 3rd Beer Stop. This time, the chaperones provided pizza and water, as well as beer. You could tell how hot it was by the fact that most of us grabbed the water first and barely touched the beer. What blasphemy! Seriously it was hot.
We followed the trail and left the pizza for the real homeless people there. I’m not talking about the bums who hang outside the Wawa’s in Center city who constantly ask you, “Hey can you help a brother out?” I’m talking about the people who sleep in the park at night and don’t bother anyone. Down we ran west down Walnut, where SubC asked, “Where are we? How do we get to the bar form here?” and then back to Bonners, where Well Hung Jury, pitchers of beer and water awaited us. We then adjourned to the Bonners’ Ballroom for…
THE CIRCLE
HARES Little Red Riding Wood and Jingle Balls
FIRST IN/LAST IN: Mayor Quimby / Mr. Snuffleupamuff
VIRGINS:
Just Wilmar (Holy Fuck made him come),
Just Stephanie (A drunk chick who decided to join in)
Just Julie (Lick Hymen made her come)
TRANSPLANTS: Bent Peter (from somewhere)
CUMS LATELYS: Sponge Bath No Pants, Bumble Beaver, Just Rich, Likes The Hard One, Europeen On Me, Midnight Tranny To Georgia
CHAPERONES: Rash, Up Her Ali, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Jingle Balls, Rear Engineer, Little Red Riding Wood, Skin Fiddle,
AUTOHASHERS: Well Hung Jury, Pink & Puffy Likes The Huffy, Fisted Sister, Sponge Bath No Pants.
AWARDS:
BEST-DRESSED MALE: Working Girl
BEST-DRESSED FEMALE: Heave Ho for her original lacy prom gown
WORST DRESSED MALE 2 Clump Chump for his bisexual ensemble
WORST DRESSED FEMALE The Rash in her Joan Crawford outfit
MOST LIKELY TO GET LAID: Just Wilmar with his Chippendale outfit and washboard abs. I’m not gay, but Jesus, if this guy CAN’T get laid, we should all kill ourselves.
ACCUSATIONS
Europee’n On Me: For hitting the elevator button on every floor as she passed by.
Mayor Quimby: For constantly checking out his pecs in the mirror.
Working Girl: For running in heels.
Just Jessica: For not being able to hold both her boobs and the camera.
Jingle Balls: For NOT holding Just Jessica’s Boobs
Midnight Tranny To Georgia: For having a “baby bulge” in his dress.
Well Hung Jury: For not wearing prom attire. (Both Skin Fiddle and E=MC2 really did wear business shirts for theirs)
Just Stephanie: For crashing the hash
S&M Man: For overachieving and dying his pubic hair blue.
Just Jessica: For having a blue face.
S&M Man Tried to accuse everyone who took the elevator down a floor, and was going to keep doing it floor by floor, but nice try. Drink up.
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Jun 27th Philly Fool Moon BASH (bring a bike)
Aug 9th Bruceapalooza, a web site is coming soon.
Sep 6th Philly H3 1600 run.
And with that, the 2008 Prom Hash came to a close. A few staggered into the main bar to get our karaoke fix, or hit on the Irish guys who happened to show up. Interesting side note, I recently attended my 20-year high school reunion. The former prom queen now weighs more than me, and the prom king couldn’t make it because he couldn’t get the night off from pumping gas. You can find him at Hoenes Texaco, Route 30 and Cologne Ave, NJ. Stop by, ask for Chris, point, and laugh your ass off. I win, frakkers!
OVERHEARD AT THE HASH
“No water? Why not?” –unk female hasher
“It’s because I have Miller Lite, it’s the same damn thing.”-Skin Fiddle
“My Dress is a classic. Dude, it has the same stains of 20 years ago in it.”-Heave Ho
“OH MY GOD YOU DO!”-Holy Fuck, looking down S&M Man’s shorts.
“I’m beginning to have issues with swallowing too much.” – Just Rachel
“OK, I’ll hold it for you for a second but you better hurry up.” – Holy Fuck
“Anyone else want a piece of tail?” Hold The Sausage
“Its either that or the orange sucky thing.” Short Distance Rimmer (responding)
“My chafing is like rug burn without the pleasure” Unk hasher.
“Oh and if you want to travel in Delaware-“ Hockessing hasher
“In what, the trunk of a fucking car?” Skin Fiddle
On On, YFF
He’s A Lesbian
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BFM #224 ANAL PRO BARRISTERS
Posted on June 10, 2008
39,673
When reading the passage about where this week’s hash was I noticed Up Her Ali’s passage about being thrown out of Barrister’s bar before, and actually having the balls to go back to the scene of the crime. I thought it would almost be like Barak Obama celebrating his primary victory in a Los Angeles hotel and walking out through the kitchen. Didn’t make much sense and it would really tempt the gods, all 12 of them.
Showing up I encountered a typically insanely grinning SubCuntinent who speculated that no one else would show, only to see a grinning Up Her Ali walk on in with a bag of flour. More and more hashers showed up including Sly Fox, who I hadn’t seen in a while, and who was also sporting a rock the size of a flippin marble. A few of us stood outside and had a quick beer or two, watching a parking authority Nazi patrolling up Samson, looking for Cousin It’s car, and introducing ourselves to visiting hasher Too Much Head, as well as the virgins, Just Blythe and Just Jenn. By the way, how many Just Jenns have we had? Maybe we should start numbering them. The new one coul be number six. I lost count on how many we have.
WHO SHOWED UP:
SubCuntinent, Up Her Ali, Short Distance Rimmer, Big Tackle, He’s A Lesbian, Rash, Raidr, S&M Man, Too Much Head (Chicago H3), Soft Core Analyst, Fruit of the Clue, Just Jessica, Just Dave, Sly Fox, Son of a Goat Fucker, Just Blythe, Just Dianna, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Sloppy Ho, Anal Pro Boner, Rear Engineer, Working Girl, Just Jenn, Virgin Pimp, Tight Lips, Cousin It, Mother Bates, Hold The Sausage, Can You Hear Me Now, Popeye’s Bitch, Tickle My Elmo, Scooby Snatch, Skin Fiddle, Pisscycle.
Noticeably absent was E=MC2, who was out at a fellatio contest up in Canada, and helping to edit the trash. Rumor has it, he lost only to a former BFMer who moved up there. CYHMN was pissed because E beat his personal best of, 3,253. Sloppy was uncharacterically quiet and in a foul mood, perhaps owing to her hero losing the primary, so she was going to take it out on a 70+ year old man.
The straws were drawn and somehow got screwed up, go figure. Somehow, Anal Pro Boner became the hare and Ali went with her, making everyone wonder if it was fixed. A groan went up from the hashers who have run Anal’s trails before, and we noticed they kept insisting that we NOT leave before 15 minutes were up. So we stood outside and watched them run off, mentally noting where we could actually follow the trail. Finally, On-On was called and away we went.
THE TRAIL
I do confess I get a perverse thrill running through Rittenhouse, past couples dining outside and yuppies walking hand in hand sipping lattes and screaming “ON-ON!” as we ran by them. Tonight was no different, he he.
Away we went, West down Samson Street , to the first check at Samson and Van Pelt, and followed the trail down South to find an “F” awaiting me. Wow, I thought, Anal was learning! Usually her trails end in a dob of flower and people cursing as they check hanged. So back we ran to the “X” and followed it up North on Van Pelt, past a bunch of morons screaming “Run, Forest, Run!”
No, genius, we never heard that before.
East we turned into an alley, with another rocket scientist screaming, “Oh I know what they’re doing, it’s Critical Mass!” Wrong again, professor. Then the trail went North on 21st, West into another Alley and then North on 22nd, leading us thinking, “Oh yeah, nice a beer near at Cherry St, and then the trail veered West into an Alley underneath the railroad trestles, and into a parking lot with actual SHIGGY!!!!
The puddle was deep and I said slosh slosh as we splashed through. Nice! Then across and up the railroad tracks, paralleling the all purpose trail, full of runners, staring at us, wondering who the retards were running alongside railroad tracks that may or may not be still active.
The whole time I was following Short Distance Rimmer, who had shed his shirt and was running topless in the heat. Now I was sweating like a meatloaf and would have done the same but I had learned my lesson from a few years ago when I used to live on Brown St. I had taken off my shirt and while talking to a neighbor, a police wagon pulled up and the cop screamed at me on the PA, “HEY, IT’S ILLEGAL TO WEAR A SWEATER IN AUGUST, ASSHOLE!” I have lots of fond memories of my old neighborhood.
Then, East the trail went into the grass, and heading back towards 22nd St, to a check. South we ran down 22nd Street, to hear the blessed sound of “Beer Near!” We kept heading South and the dick tease at Cherry St Tavern turned out to be real, woohoo!
BEER CHECK
It was great and regretfully short. A few of us swilled both beer and water, after all it was flipping hot. While there, the Hares took off and someone yelled, “TWO MINUTES!” until someone else pointed out that the hares requested a ten minute headstart. I looked and someone STILL had a straw in her hair. Finally we shuffled outside and headed East on Cherry, South into a parking lot and East again on Arch before, you guessed it, we lost trail. Damn, you, Anal!
A few of us stood around looking forlorn, some discussing that S&M Man has been seen in Hashspace pics from all over the world, and that Lick Hymen seems to get a LOT of phone numbers, when we realized there was no hope of finding trail and that most of our fun meters had been pegged. “Fuck it!” Sloppy shouted, “On Bar!” and away we went back to Barristers.
We got there and there was a major discussion about the Ronco Food Dehydrator, and I found out that Rash has a copy of the Donner Party Cookbook. While this major discussion was going on, our hares finally came in, looking like we had molested their cats, “Hey, you missed a Beer Check, you Morons!” Anal yelled. Actually we didn’t miss it per se, we just didn’t bother trying to find it.
CIRCLE
HARES: Anal Pro Boner, Up Her Ali
VIRGINS:
Just Jenny – Lick Hymen made her come (Well, I guess that kills THAT theory!)
Just Bylthe – Sub Cuntinent made her come
VISITOR: Too Much Head from the Chicago Hash House Harriers, entertained us with the following joke:
Q Where does a girl with one leg eat?
A: Ihop.
FIRST IN / LAST IN: Big Tackle / The Hares
CUMS LATELYS: Can You Hear Me Now, Sly Fox, Working Girl, He’s A Lesbian
AUTO HASHERS: Tickle My Elmo, Hold the Sausage, Just Jessica, Can You Hear Me Now, Skin Fiddle, Popeye’s Bitch, Pisscycle, Son of a Goat Fucker, Scooby Snatch
VIOLATIONS
Cousin It – For spitting right at someone (and missing I think)
S&M Man : for wearing an an actual Indiana Jones Fedora
Fruit of the Clue, : For knowing where the second beer check would be and NOT telling anyone, Bastard.
Soft Core Analyst: For uttering this statement, “My favorite show from “Sex and The City was….”
Mr Snuffleupamuff: For saving himself for Sloppy
Fruit of the Clue : For trying to violate someone elese on a lame charge that isn’t even worthy of being mentioned.
SubCuntinent: For overdressing in the circle
Mother Bates: Carrying Tight Lips across the puddle.
Fruit of the Clue (again) for riding a bike on the, going “Ding Ding”
Rear Engineer: For frakking up the song.
Son of a Goat Fucker: for saying, “Philly better hide your daughters!”
The Hares: for General Principles. and we only had two cups of beer left. Do the math
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Prom Hash: Bonners, wear your best outfits,
DC Red Dress Run: Register online at Active.com.
Cousin It. Philly Tail Gate on July 26th.
With that, the suggestion started to head to Bonners for karaoke where I got to see something that will give me nightmares for a long time: S&M Man singing “Love Shack” with a female backup of Just Jessica, Anal Pro Boner, Hold The Sausage and Too Much Head.
OVERHEARD AT THE HASH:
“All the women in the world wanna score with Virgin Pimp!”- Up Her Ali
“Can You take me home with you?”, “Hmm isn’t that what every guy would want to be asked? (unknown hasher)
“Obviously there’s a few women in this hash you haven’t met yet” Rash
“The bitch bed in the back of the van; its where you tenderly bone someone.” Rash
On-On, YFF
He’s A Lesbian
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BFM 223: Sugar Mom’s
Posted on June 4, 2008
The mob gathered at Sugar Mom’s in ye Olde City. I got there early, and it was just way too nice a day to go inside. Most of the pack seemed in agreement; we unofficially pre-circled up outside. Usually I don’t feel like dancing, but we were about 1 happy cigarette away from swaying arm in arm and singing kumbaya together. Sloppy Ass Kisser biked into circle with her little lavender huffy little girls bike (is it just me, or does anybody else think she totally beat down some eight year old innocently riding down the street for that thing? ) . Fruit of the Clue was close behind on his bike which had no fewer than 7 mechanical devices attached to handlebars. I’m still not sure why you need a 3 phase 440V cattle prod in downtown philly, but I guess some texas habits just die hard. Anyways…
Who Came:
Cause for Blindness, Flounder, Cousin It, Deep Flute, First Down, Fruit of the Clue, Hold the Sausage, Jingle Ballzzz, Just Duffy, Lick Hyman, Little Red Riding Wood, Mr Muff, Nappy headed Ho, Nice Nuggets, Phat Ass, Pink N Puffy Rides the Huffy, Piss Cycle, Popeye’s Bitch, Rear Engineer, Scooby Snatch, Skin Fiddle Sloppy Ass Kisser, Sloppy Ho, Son of a Goat Fucker, Subcuntinent, The Rash, Tight Lips, Two Clump Chump, Virgin Pimp, Just सन्दीप्, Just Jessica, Just Dave, Just Megan, Just Justin, Cocktail Frank (Ithaca), and Just Greg.
Our esteemed RA Rear Engineer distributed straws, and our yet again a virgin Just सन्दीप् drew the short one. Our virgin is a visitor from SF, and lives in the tenderloin. This is one of the few places in the US where you can find a underage transgender thai hooker (fyi if you happen to find yourself there, try to find laura, she’s my man), crystal meth, and a government protest at 10am any day of the week. Not quite knowing what he was getting into, 2 Clump Chump volunteered to help.
Eventually the circle assembled outside and chalk talk commenced.
Trail wandered around north of olde city, but south of northern liberties through tunnels and under underpasses. Sand castle manufacture has apparently gone professional, we saw a filthy gorgeous 10 foot tall phillies sand castle in Franklin Square.
Crossing over race street there were some grooves in the asphalt formed from decades of snowplows and ambivalent maintenance. They felt like they were about chest high, and I may have slightly bumped into one of them, and made an impromptu decision to do a judo roll down the middle of the street. Maybe I was trying to impress Piss Cycle and Just Megan, with my mad ninja skills, but it didn’t work out quite as well as planned.
We got to locust bar for our beer check. It was about 500 degrees inside, so I waited outside talking with Cousin It. Apparently he is looking for head. Then again, who isn’t? A trail was set back to bar, but most of the hash just ran/walked back whatever way was easiest. On our way in, Popeye’s Bitch was headed out. He had “Stuff to do”. I’ll leave speculation about what “stuff” is as an exercise to the reader. After arriving at Sugar Mom’s brick patio, Scooby serenaded us with a slow, some would say touching version of the S&M man. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house
Circle:
Hare: Just Sundeep, 2 Clump
Virgins: Just Sundeep and 2 Clump on the one hare drinks rule, and your humble scribe on the one on-sec drinks rule
Visitor: Cocktail Frank he told us a joke about the pussywillow plant. It wasn’t nearly as bad as the last few visitors jokes
First In – Subcuntinent
Last In – Cause
Comes-Latelies – Nice Nuggets Phat Ass, Just Justin
Auto Hashers – Skin Fiddle, Fruit of Ze Clue, Pink and Puffy, and Lick Hyman
Accusations
RE was accused of being a racist and proudly displaying his half marathon jacket. And when one RA drinks, LRRW had to drink as well. They sang one of my favorites “I stick my cock/clit out” wonder twins style.
Sloppy was accused of food in circle. And when one ho/sloppy drinks, Sloppy Ass Kisser and Nappy Headed Ho drank as well
Short Distance Rimmer was accused of … something
Sloppy Ass Kisser was accused of confusing 2 Clump and Goat Fucker and under the one yada yada Sloppy Ho and Nappy Headed Ho
Snuffleupamuff was accused of screaming like a little girl
Jingle Ballzzz was unjustly accused of hash crash. And under the one on-sec, 2 Clump, Hold the Sausage, and Scooby drank as well
Hold the Sausage was accused of being an overachieving ass-clown and closing on her house right before coming to hash.
Skinfiddle was accused of being even more than a dick than usual and purposely turning on the jukebox during circle
Announcements:
Haberdashery – Talk to the Rash. 10 commandments t-shirts have been ordered, and will be delivered at prom. Due to the high volume of orders, and our commitment to shoddy workmanship, they are only 1$/commandment. If you asked her for a shirt, try to actually show up and pay her this time.
June 3rd - Philly Hash - hared by Lil Bro Pete and Bunyip in Palmyra
June 5th - BFM # 224 – at Barristers -
June 7th - Philly Roller Girls - Philly Roller Derby Championship! Doors at 5, bout at 6. Bumble Beaver AKA Tara Newone will be there and promises to end the year with a bang. http://www.phillyrollergirls.com/
June 12th – PROM!!!!! – If you really can’t get a date, I’m sure you can take your momma out.
June 27th – BJH3 #3 - hares off at 7:30. Start location will be in Eatontown, NJ at the Home Depot on Rt 36. Hared by Tight Lips, Beer Boy: Dead man Walking
August – Phillies Tailgate – Cousin It. Be there!
Jingle Ballzzz
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BFM # 222 – A to A prime A
Posted on May 28, 2008
This week’s hash was at the Green Room in Fairmount, the land of no parking (you know it’s bad when the guy from Manayunk is complaining). I was a bit late to the bar this week, but ridding off of the momentum of the last weeks great trail, and the fact that we have all done Fairmount before, I thought this trail would be a lock. When I arrived Lick Hyman was sitting outside entertaining himself he proceeded to try and convince me the pack had already left, and since I did see marks on the way in I almost believed him. I went in side to find the pack alive and waiting.
Who Came:
Cherry Poppins, Cousin It, Cum on my Tits, Deep Flute, E=MC2, Finger in the Dyke, First Down, Fruit of the Clue, Heave Ho, Hold the Sausage, Holy Fuck, Jingle Ballzzz, Just Craig, Just Jess, Lick Hymen, Little Red Riding Wood, Mayor Quimby, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Nappy Headed Ho, Piss Cycle, Radar, Rear Engineer, Scooby Snatch, Short Distance Rimmer, Skin Fiddle, Sloppy Ho, Son of Goat Fucker, Stacks, Strap On, Subcuntinent, The Rash, Two Clump Chump, Up Her Ali, Virgin Pimp
The Trail:
As a fellow FRB’r I was elated to hear that Son of Goat Fucker was the hare. I envisioned a long challenging trail; however, like Virgin Pimp’s last date, I was disappointed. Now there are no rules to laying trail, and when laying in Fairmount you can’t go wrong, as long as you don’t go north. You guessed it we went north. While on trail, I asked Stacks if we were going to her place for a beer check, she told me she had some left over red headed sluts in the fridge from the famed Do shots don’t get shot hash. We circled around and headed south, then west then north, then south, and so on and so forth. At one point we cam across a mark that could best be described as a Wu tang check. The trail made it’s way to the art museum towards Kelly drive. We crossed the street, and then again, and then again and ended up on the opposite corner from where we started (for you Virgins that’s called a circle jerk). The trail headed back towards the bar after what seemed like only 2 miles (I know some of you are ok with that distance), only to stumble on an unmarked false. Now, like trail laying there are no rules to hashing, but if you lay an unmarked false two blocks from the on-in, your gonna get an on-in. So the FRB’s headed back to the bar, crossing trail several times. Our arrival was met with some surprise by the auto hashers, as they had just sent the hare back out. Apparently he forgot to finish the trail. About ten minutes later he returned, and another twenty went by before the pack started rolling in.
Circle:
Just to be interesting (cheep) we held circle at Fruit of the Clue’s, you almost feel bad about making him drink at his own house, na. On the walk over I realized Fruits was much farther than I remembered. We used this time to discuss the naming of a hash that starts and ends at a bar, but circle is held somewhere farther then the parking lot, and then returns to the original bar. We settled on A to A prime A.
Hares: Son of Goat Fucker
First in/ Last in: Mayor Quimby/ Cousin It
Virgins: Just Megan by the Internet, and Just Scott by Subcuntinent
Then we had a manage a quatre with Just Doug by Just Katya, Just Katua by Just Andrew, Just Andrew by Just Jeff, and Just Jeff by Just Greg (I would have liked to have seen the footage from that night)
Visitors: Just Steve (not sure where he came from, but he took the option), Cocks on Demand from EWH3, Finger in the Dyke TBH3
Cums Lately: Mayor Quimby, Deep Flute, Scooby Snatch, Heave Ho
Auto Hashers: The Manage a Quatre, Piss Cycle, Rear Engineer, The Rash, Jingle Ballzzz, Fruit of the Clue, Skin Fiddle, Virgin Pimp, Hold The Sausage
Accusations:
Fruit of the Clue for quitting his job
Lick Hyman for picking the short straw then passing it off, because he didn’t feel like haring
Virgin Pimp for wearing his prom suit on the wrong night
S + M Man for calculating the circumference of the trail
The Rash for reciting the formula he used
Rear Engineer for wearing new shoes (and he drank from them) and under when one RA drinks Little Red Ridding Wood
Announcements:
May 30th The Savoy Company Presents Patience Tickets are $25 see Up her Ali for info
The Rash is peddling tee-shirts again see her for info
Prom June 12th: You get the outfit we will provide the drunk date
With that, Circle was closed and the hash went back to the Green Room, as we ran out of beer. People drank and ate and not much happened after that.
Over Heard at the Hash:
S + M Man “I got my Balls sucked last night and didn’t even know it.” After further inquiry, he explained he found a tick on his sac
Two Clump “Are there any special forms of payment you will except for the shirts?”
The Rash “Well there is that thing you do with your tongue.”
On, on,
Two Clump Chump
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BFM 221: West Philly
Posted on May 22, 2008
The mob gathered at Cavanaughs in West Philly. I got there early, and inhaled a big bean burrito a few minutes before starting the run.. The whole run, my burps tasted like salsa, and I feel pretty sorry for whoever was running behind me. But enough about me; How was the hash?
Who Came:
Just Jessica, Just Matt, Just Patricia, Virgin Pimp, Son of a Goat Fucker, First Down, Subcuntinent, Flounder, Radr, Target, Cause, Sloppy Ho, Short Distance Rimmer, Anal Pro Bonor, Rear Engineer, , PissCycle, Hold the Sausage, Stunt Dick Double, First Down, Goat Fucker, Virgin Pimp, Just Patricia, Just Jon, Popeye’s Biatch, 2 clump chump, Cherry Poppins, S&M man, Scooby, Just Taniel, Just Dave, Just Joe, Strappy, and E.
Our all-singing all-dancing RA, GM and hash-cash Rear Engineer distributed straws, and our virgin Just Dave drew the short one. Hold the Sausage quickly volunteered to help and set up a beer check. We should’ve known we could count on her to find the boys and the booze.
Eventually the circle assembled outside and chalk talk commenced.
Trail went over around and through penn, which was surrounded by graduating seniors in matching t-shirts making clumsy passes at each other and getting hammered in west philly. I almost got confused and followed the wrong pack. Luckily I was set straight by a large pile of wire hangers laid on trail, It made the campus look like some two dollar a week furnished room in Oklahoma, and I realized what my true direction in life was
Trail eventually wound into a parking garage. Unfortunately Five-O was waiting for us, and wouldn’t let us through. She had a look on her face that said, “don’t fuck with me fellas, this ain’t my first time at the rodeo” We decided that short cutting around might be a decent idea.
Trail meandered around the hospital, and across the south street bridge over to He’s a Lesbian’s bar. Right before the bridge, we ran into Target who had been forewarned of the beer check location, and was walking there. Just Jessica and Pisscycle took the opportunity to walk him in and do dirty things with him in the dark.
While we were drinking, another police car pulled up, and our faithful bartender went off to the cruiser to give O’Malley his pay-off. One of the sharp eyed drunks behind the bar took this opportunity to top off everybody’s glass. Sloppy Ho was upset that because philly is too cheap for surveillance cameras, he didn’t get busted and banned like she did when she pulled the same stunt in DC.
Outside of the bar, a creepy old man out front started a conversation with me. Apparently ishkabibl had something to say about the number three (3). It was very important that I get that straight. Sometimes I wonder if I have a sign on my forehead that asks creepy people to talk with me. I don’t know why I can’t get the respect that I deserve.
Circle:
Hare: Just Dave, Hold the Sausage
Virgins: Just Dave
First In – Just Jon
Last In – E?
Auto Hashers – Anal Probonor, Rear Engineer,
Comes Latelys – Cherry Poppins, Just Joe
Accusations
E accused Just Jon of reminding him way too much of his nemesis Lance Armstrong.
Short Distance Rimmer was accused of some bizarre shoe numbering/changing ritual.
E was accused of knocking some chick up. Twice. Seriously, people, don’t drink and park, accidents cause people. Get yourself some protection over here.
Announcements:
Haberdashery – Talk to the Rash. 10 commandments t-shirts are coming. Reserve one before may 23, or get ready to start crying into your beer now because you will not get one at prom.
Limited Time Offer!: The S&M man currently has blue pubic hair. Ask him for a special viewing
May 22st - BFM # 222 – Green Street 730 – special double-secret circle location
May 27 - Philly Hash - hared by Baby Huey
June 7 - Philly Roller Girls - Philly Roller Derby Championship! Doors at 5, bout at 6. Bumble Beaver AKA Tara Newone will be there and promises to end the year with a bang. http://www.phillyrollergirls.com/
June 12 – PROM!!!!! – If begging for a date hasn’t worked, try stalking instead. How will she know you really care unless you spend the whole night watching her sleep through her window?
August – Phillies Tailgate – Cousin It. Be there!
Quote of the Night
Is that the thing you suck on and stuff comes out?– Short Distance Rimmer
Jingle Ballzzz
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BFM # 220 – The night of many???
Posted on May 13, 2008
Under threats of storms I drove to the New Wave Café, and after four laps I found a nice spot out front. As I walked in I noticed the weather held, and the hashers were cuming.
Who Came:
Anal ProBoner, Can You Hear Me Now?, Cause for Blindness Cherry Poppins, E=MC2, Europe’en on Me, Fiber Opdick, First Down, Flounder, Fruit of the Clue, Holy Fuck, Jingle Ballzzz, Lick Hymen, Little Red Riding Wood, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Mother May I, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Piss Cycle, Popeye’s Bitch, Radar, Rear Engineer, S&M Man, Short Distance Rimmer, Skin Fiddle, Sloppy Ass Kisser, Sloppy Ho, Softcore Analyst, Son of Goat Fucker, Stacks, Strap On, Stunt Dick Double, Subcuntinent, The Rash, Tickel My Elmo, Tight Lips, Two Clump Chump, Up Her Ali, Virgin Pimp, Just Liz, Just John, Just Patricia, Just Kim, Just Kristen, Just Tanile, Just Joel, Just Ross, Just Dayna, and Goes Both Ways
As we stood around the bar, Up Her Ali distributed the straws, and Midnight Tranny to Georgia was the lucky recipient of the short one. Here at BFM we have learned (the hard way) never to send off a virgin hare on their own. Tonight was no different, well not quite, but more on that later. Now a note about the chalk talk, it was not right outside like usual, it was a block away at Jingle Balzzz’s apartment (formerly NNFA’s apartment), and apparently the on in would be there also. So why did we meet at the New Wave? I think I heard something about zoning and unions, after all this is Philly.
The Trail:
I have been many called many things, but bad at hashing is not one of them, but something about being on-sec affects my hashability. The pack set off in search of trail, and search we did. Slowly making our way west we discovered a mark that I can only describe as a true trail check (a check with an extra slash). The pack argued for a few minutes over the origins and meaning of this mystery mark. Fed up with all the fighting and check hanging, I set out to find trail. After a five block sweep in every direction, I returned to last mark to find the pack gone. I set out in the direction I thought trail might go (back to the bar), but found nothing. As I approached the new wave I saw a pedestrian in dark spandex, a rare sight this far from the gayborhood. As he approached I realized it was Lickhyman and it all made sense. Apparently he ran into the same problem. We walked back to Jingle’s and waited for the pack, only to see Cause. The fear of being last in caused a mad dash to ensue between the three of us (you can guess who lost).
Before I continue a few notes about setting trail …
- Marks on every corner
- Three marks between each check
- Mark the Falses (or at least mark the trail enough so you know when you’re off)
- Read the guide people.
Circle:
In honor of the newest Indiana Jones movie we had to pass the test of faith by leaping onto the so called roof deck. Little Red Ridding Wood called circle together and the fun began.
Hares: Midnight Tranny to Georgia
First in/ Last in: Subcuntinent / S & M
Virgins: Just Taniel by S & M Man, Just Kristen by Just Taniel, Just Joel by Goes Both Ways, Just Ross by Just John, Just Patricia by Anal Proboner , Just Dayna and Just Kim by Rear Engineer
Visitors: Goes Both Ways from Big Sky HHH (Great Falls VA)
Cums Lately: Can You Hear Me, Europe’en On Me, S & M Man, Fruit of the Clue, Just Liz
Auto Hashers: Tickle My Elmo, Piss Cycle, Rear Engineer, The Rash, Anal Proboner, Just Patricia, Jingle Ballzzz, Fruit of the Clue, Skin Fiddle
Accusations:
We had several Raciests this week
Kentucky Derby:
Skin Fiddle (I think he was watching not running)
Broad Street:
Two Clump Chump, Short Distance Rimmer, Europe’en On Me, Subcuntinent, Hold the Sausage
Goat Races:
Subcuntinent, Up Her Ali, Mr. Snuffleupamuff and Sun of a Goat F*cker and 1st Down under when one goat f*cker drinks
Midnight Tranny to Georgia and Softcore Analyst for losing each other (apparently Midnight took Softcore as a co-hare, and lost him four blocks into the trail)
Mr. Snuffleupamuff for ordering a happy ending at Friendly’s and getting upset when they brought out a Sundae
Announcements:
Philly Hash Sat 5/13 Hare needed
Philly Full Moon: T.A. Flannery’s Friday 5/16
May 30th The Savoy Company Presents Patience Tickets are $25 see Up her Ali for info
With that, Circle was closed and the hash went back to the New Wave, as there were some neighbor complaints (and I think the roof was caving). As we walked in we noticed several Hashers. They didn’t make it to circle, so they don’t get mentioned, plus I already put my notes away. There was much drinking and tomfoolery as usual. One Hasher asked me not to report her particular infraction (unfortunately she is not good at bribing). Let’s just say that someone scored a flower lay at the bar… From a guy with Down syndrome. She thought it was just some drunk guy, in her defense some of the hashers act a little slow after they have been drinking.
Over Heard at the Hash:
Sloppy Ho “That trail was so poorly Marked we couldn’t even shake Cause”
Sloppy Ass Kisser “I can’t handle all that gu”
Cause For Blindness “Is he even Legal?”
Just Ross “I’m old enough to be your son.”
On, on,
Two Clump Chump
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BFM #219 Northern Liberties Pub Crawl
Posted on May 6, 2008
39,675
Yes, folks, its that time again. At least once or twice every few mos, the BFM, our little drinking club with a running problem, decides to emphasize the “drinking” part and forget all about running. This week, our former sorority sisters Sub Cuntinent and Hold the Sausage decided to let us see how they usually spend their weekends, and walk from bar to bar in Northern Liberties.
After, deftly parking near where I was told the final beer stop was, I arrived at The Standard Tap and 2nd & Poplar, to find both Pink and Puffy and Up Her Ali dressed to the nines and holding their own as she went down the list of micro brewed beers. Ali and I had a brief conversation about THE GREATEST TELEVISION SHOW OF ALL TIME, and then waited for the rest of the pack to show up. A Few minutes later, The Rash showed up, just begging to be scratched, as she made her rounds, smiling, and making contact with everyone there, then moving up quietly to Up Her Ali and, after sliding an undetermined amount of US currency into our GMs hands, said, “I took care of that thing for you,” and was out the door into the night, never to be seen from again that evening.
WHO CRAWLED:
Up Her Ali, Pink & Puffy Rides the Huffy, Just Craig, Fiber Opdick, Little Red Riding Wood, He’s A Lesbian, Short Distance Rimmer, Just Jessica, Hold the Sausage, Skin Fiddle, Sub Cuntinent, Fire Down Under, Rash, Scooby Snatch, Jingle Balz, Mr Snuffleupamuff, Rear Engineer, Holy Fuck, Two Clump Chump, Popeye’s Bitch, Nappy Headed Ho, and Just Pat.
A few minutes later, we stepped out into the night….
THE TRAIL
…and immediately lost a few people who ran across the street to hit the beer tasting going on at what looked like a beer distributor that only sold 40s. We strolled down 2nd Street to make our first stop of the evening at Liberties, a bar that had previously thrown us out before. Sausage and Ali immediately told us not to mention that we were hashers, or even say the word HASHER, since the BFM had been flagged from this bar. So of course, a few of us wanted to start singing, “Free beer for all the ____”
BEER STOP #1
Liberties is one of my favorite dive bars in Northern Liberties. In case you forget where it is, it has a Statue of Liberty right in front. There are at least two stories and very few plastic people come in there. There is also a painting of P/O Daniel McGonigle who was killed there on October 9, 1872, when it was referred to as a “taproom”. The shooter was later acquitted. Unlike Callahan’s where, everyone thinks that the painting that looks like a certain hasher is of a cop, this one really IS! (The Callahan’s pic is of a plumber who drank there regularly, I checked). There are also booths made of church pews which I think is a great idea.
The beers were provided and we drank our fill, wondering just WHERE we would go next. During this time, a crawler shared WAY too much information about a certain piercing through a certain appendage while Jingle Ballz was engaged in a finger contest during this time, and apparently won. In a few minutes, we were off, following Sub Cuntinent and Sausage who were doing their best Washington DC tour guide impression; “OK, people, we’re walking, we’re walking…”
So, off we went down Brown St to Front, where we turned left and entered an area that was deserted, as we walked underneath I95. The creep factor went way up as crawlers crowded together in an effort to ward off the monsters that lurk there. We eventually found our way to an old school house that had been converted to apartment complexes where we found ourselves at…
SHOT STOP #1
…Sub Cuntinent’s apartment, which, perhaps echoing her personality, was an old school auditorium. Several of us noted that her bed was ON THE STAGE! Does she perform there nightly? For captive audiences? Of bored school kids? Who knows. It was a nice place though. AND (for all you center city types) had OFF STREET PARKING!!!!
While I was looking at the twenty-foot high ceilings, something white and furry brushed my leg. I thought it was a rat at first and almost shot the damn thing, but both Subby and Holy Fuck crowded around it, screaming, “oh isn’t he so fucking CUTE!?!?!?” The large rat, was, I am told, a Pekinese or something. Holy Fuck, with her penchant for torturing small dogs, and videotaping them for Youtube, immediately latched on to it and began comparing notes with Sub on where you can find oh-so-cute little outfits with which to play doggy-dress-up. You know, there’s a special spot in Hell for such people…
But I digress. The shots were brought out, Red, (no idea), white (something clear), and Blue( no idea), and we all slammed them accordingly and as I noticed the “I love me” wall on Subby’s fridge, we were quickly ushered out, “OK, people, we’re walking, we’re walking, we’re walking…”
BEER STOP #2.
To the parking lot outside where we were given some more sweet nectar with a lion on it, that looked EXACTLY like the beer I cant remember from Short Distance Rimmer’s plaza. We sat there drinking and the next thing I new a bony hand tapped me on the shoulder…
The woman was a warmed over corpse. She wore a blue blazer and muttered something incoherently to me, as I tried not to notice that her white beard was longer than my chest hair. (A pause for those who now have to vomit with both of those images in your heads. Go to your happy place now). No I love necrophilia as much as the next guy, but she was WAY weirder, and to quote an absent noncrawler (Are we still not allowed to say hasher?), “I’d rather lick an ashtray.” Sub Cuntinent quickly shooed her away and that was our cue to walk to our final beer stop.
Enroute, a few of us decided to sing “The S&M Man,” and “Jesus Saves.” Apparently Just Jessica, who had been wowing us earlier with her cleavage decided to reveal that she was really religious. During our singing, she continuously screamed, “Oh my GOD!”, “Jesus Christ!”, and “Holy Shit!” and with that, we arrived at Druids Keep, which, for some strange reason, still tolerates our presence.
CIRCLE
HARES: Sub Cuntinent and Hold The Sausage
FIRST IN/ LAST IN: Pink and Puffy Rides the Huffy/2 Clump Chump
VIRGIN: Just Patrick, Nappy Headed Ho made him come on his bike (No seat on a bumpy street perhaps?), who Swallowed down his beer faster than the old dead guy from “The Man Show”, prompting Holy Fuck to scream, “That’s why Nappy hangs out with him!”
CUMS LATELYS: Fiber Opdick, Just Craig
ACCUSATIONS:
Short Distance Rimmer, Just Jessica, Just Craig, and Holy Fuck, for STILL wearing green, almost two months after St Patrick’s Day
ACCUSUS INTERUPTUS: At this point a drunk, not so innocent bystander, now forever known as Just Ralph, jumped in screaming that he used to work in Chicago, in a department store apparently, and is no longer employed and that it takes one rugby girl to screw in a light bulb, but you have to get his cock out of her mouth or something like that. Bear with me, but I was laughing too hard as I was scribbling notes here.
ACCUSATIONS CONT.
Popeye’s Bitch, for bike crawling, (Can I PLEASE say hashing now?)
Just Jessica: for having Bob Marley tattooed on her back.
Holy Fuck, Sub Cuntinent, and Hold the Sausage for some dumbass thing and under the when one on-sec drinks rule, the Man-secs that were there, which included Scooby Snatch, He’s A Lesbian, 2 Clump Chump, and Jingle Ballz.
Rear Engineer for being a Race-ist, he ran in some sanctioned running event last week, or is strolling down Broad Street on May 4th,
Jingle Ballz, for an unrememborable offence and when one man-sec drinks…..He’s A Lesbian, 2 Clump, etc…
Skin Fiddle: for putting 9 dollars in the jukebox. (I swear if it’s that Steve Perry song…)
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Stinko De Mayo : Have fun, it already happened.
BFM beer stop during Broad Street run. Great job guys!
Goat fucking: No lawsuits or subpoenas yet.
Roller Derby: Let me know how it went!
OVERHEARD AT THE HASH
Short Distance Rimmer: “I’m happily married to my mother,” long pause “No, wait! I meant my FATHER! He does an awesome mustache ride”
Just Jessica: “Bet that second dance was awkward”
“I’ve gotta sit down because I have a piercing on my dick.”-unnamed hasher
“I use my internet exposer”-Pink and Puffy
“Am I going to get raped!? Because if not, , I’m going home!”-Just Jessica
“Well there is this gas station down the street..” Fire Down Under
“I’ve been done!” Just Jessica (sharing way too much info)
“Ahhh, I touched you!” Fiber Opdick
On On
He’s A Lesbian
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BFM 218: What’s that fishy smell?
Posted on April 29, 2008
The mob gathered at Lelands in Fishtown. To compensate for dragging us all the way into the wilds, the “locals” Cunting Season and Rash volunteered to pre-lay trail. A smaller pack assembled right around 8pm, just in time for Little Red Riding Wood to organize circle and set us off in search of trail.
Rumor had it that several hashers ditched the hash to r*ce in center city. Pussies.
Who Came:
Just Jessica, Son of a Goat Fucker, Subcuntinent, Flounder, Radr, Target, Cause, Sloppy Ho, Mayor Quimby, She-Man, Deep Flute, Short Distance Rimmer, Anal Pro Bonor, Rear Engineer, Little Red Riding Wood, Up Her Ali, Cunting Season, Mama Cunt, Rash, Skin Fiddle, PissCycle, Hold the Sausage, Stunt Dick Double, Strappy, and E.
To add to the fun, Thursday was garbage day, and half of the marks were later covered with/near garbage bags. When asked why she hated us so, Rash replied, “yeah that sucked for you didn’t it?” Note to self, if ever invited over to Rash’s house, remember to “accidentally” drop a couple of drinks on her cat.
As we started down trail, a friendly wager was placed regarding whether we would find more drugs or pros on trail. By my eye, the drugs were out first, and in much higher quantity. Apparently a lot of the pro’s were “laying down on the job”. Try the ham, I’ll be here all night folks. Tip your waitress. Seriously, it only gets worse from here on out, if I were you, I’d stop reading now.
Because of a freak donkey punching injury, Cunting Season is not doing much running these days, and decided to lay her part of the trail on her bike instead. As a result, we had what felt like a 15 mile trail. Around mile 12, the pack got completely lost at the 8-way intersection near CS’s house. We are used to laziness out of her, and simply could not accept that there was no beer to be had. Many lamentations were expressed. These led to talk of turning back towards the bar, but with the fishtown is a Bermuda trianglesque street arrangement in fishtown, we decided that we were more likely to end up in north philly than get to the right bar.
After calling in a lifeline, the pack was back on trail, and headed towards the beer check right under the I95 underpass which shut down the whole freeway for 3 days last month, and made my commute so much more fun than it already is. Deep Flute came down to the beer check, and was immediately molested by just about all of the harriettes. FYI, if you are spending quality time with one of them, I wouldn’t be surprised if one or two of them accidentally missed a pill or 6. Its time to start double-bagging.
A crowd of auto-hashers were plowing through a fine case of @ss-sweat miller light. Anonymous Cowards report that Sloppy Ho was caught being like a total hypocrite, and couldn’t even finish her can. The 3 bitches in attendance Glander, Maddy, and Brutus were flirting shamelessly with anyone who would give them attention. It’s like they had no class … at … all. As the pack set off, Glander practically dragged Subcuntinent home.
We got back to the bar just in time to see the flyers blow their lead and send the game into overtime. Now I’m not a philly native, so there are a few things I just don’t understand about this city. One of them is how we revel in snatching defeat from the jaws of victory; Its almost an art form. Back home all we care about is that our stars are schtupping half of the known world. To each his own I guess.
In other news
Circle:
Hare: Cunting Season, Rash, and Da Mayor
Virgins: Jessica
First In – Skin Fiddle
Last In – Jingle Balllzzz
Auto Hashers – Pisscycle, Skin Fiddle, E (looking particularly dapper), She-Man, and Hold the Sausage
Comes Latelys – Mayor Quimby, She-Man
Side-Side – E/Hold the Sausage
Accusations
Sloppy gave us waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much information about Flounder’s sex life in the form of an accusation. She was quickly accused of a false accusation, and scarring the souls of the assembled hashers and brought into circle and made to drink
Stunt Dick Double was accused of trying to run over a 4 year old child whose only offence was cowering in front of him on trail
Pisscycle was accused of racing the previous Sunday.
As circle finished, we learned that the flyers had successfully f*cked it up. Again.
Announcements:
Haberdashery – Talk to the Rash.
May 1st - BFM # 219 – Northern Liberties Bar Crawl! 730PM at Standard Tap
Philly Hash - a bunch of slackers this week
May 3 - Philly Roller Girls - Philly Roller Derby Doors at 5, bout at 6. Bumble Beaver AKA Tara Newone will be there and promises that she will beat Carolina down and send them limping home down the old dirt road. More info at http://www.phillyrollergirls.com/
May 3 – Delaware Park - Skinfiddle, Rash and others are going to Delaware park to bet on the horsies. For more info, call Fiddle.
May 4 – Goat Racing – The SlyFox Bock and Goat Race starts at noon. Cheer
the goats racing for their namesake beer, marvel at men and boys in lederhosen, dance with the beerwenches to the lively sounds of the german oompa band, stuff your faces with bratwursts and kraut (you ran 10 miles, you can afford it), and of course get wasted on some of the strongest beer you’ve ever tasted… (since the beer is soooo strong, we want to get a van not worry about transport, just having fun)
RSVP to Up her Ali fuzzypls at yahoo.com $34 bucks CASH (if we have 14 people) will be due when you step on the bus and there’s a 48 hour cancellation policy for no-shows.. If you don’t show up and we can’t get someone to fill your spot, you will owe $34
Departure: Boarding the van at McFaddens at the Ballpark at 11:00am. We leave PROMPTLY at 11:15. If you plan to go home and get pretty after the Broad
Street, make sure you are back in plenty of time or you will be driving yourself and you will owe $34. We recommend you just bring a change of clothes in your car, check your bag at the start, or have someone bring you a change of clothes after the r*ce.
Return: We will leave the Bock and Goat fest (in an altered state) at 4:15 for arrival back at McFaddens at 5pm. More info at www.slyfoxbeer.com/events/bock/
June 12 – PROM!!!!! – start cruising craigslist for your date
August – Phillies Tailgate – Cousin It. Be there!
After hash wound down, a few hashers headed over to westy’s to sing us some karaoke. It was a whole lot more country than usual, (the regulars/ringers looked at us with their usual pained look of disdain) and we closed down the place at 2am.
Quotes of the Night
It takes me at LEAST a half hour to tape down my dick – Just Jessica
I LOVE the kitty – Just Jessica
Upper Decking, it’s not so much a skill as a lifestyle – Just Jessica
Jingle Ballzzz
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