Ah, the start of a new month. Here on the initial day of July 2010, there was much hashing to be had and a good time had by many – the rest had beer to cheer them up. Historically, we know that today was the day that, in 1903 – 1st Tour de France bicycle race began – that’s 107 years this coming tour! In 1847, the first US postage stamps go on sale (5 cent Franklin & 10 cent Washington stamps, out of New York City) and that on July 1^st 1921, the Communist Party of China was founded.

Not enough obscure historical events for you? Oh, there are plenty more… 1877, first edition of the “Amsterdammer” was published… 1960, Fidel Castro nationalizes Shell & Texaco gas stations in Cuba… 1993, 1 second is added to the clock… 1982, Over 2000 Unification Church couples marry at NY MSG… 1963, ZIP Codes are introduced for United States mail… and lastly but not least, in 1776, there was the first vote on the Declaration of Independence (this is Philadelphia, you know). And there to celebrate such an epic day, was Cause for Blindness, Son of Goatf*cker, The S & M Man, Cousin It, Little F*cking Winkie, Short Distance Rimmer, Flounder, Gag Reflex, Where’s my Vagina?, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Hold the Sausage, Is That a Penis? and her virgin Just Tony, Rear Engineer, Up Her Alley, Broken Rod, Sleeps Around the C*ck, Itemized Seduction, Softcore Analist, Two Clump Chump, and those who wished not to participate fully by autohashing, One Inch In, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Snap Off, Seiz’er TiTs, and Virgin Pimp.

Circle

Hare: Rear Engineer

…Not enough urine in the parking structure..

…not enough people making out by the river…

…not enough miles before the beer check…

Virgins: Just Tony ala Is That a Penis? (Penis? made him cum and he’s embarrassed…)

First/Last In: Seiz’er TiTs, Softcore Analist, and Up Her Ali

Cums Latlies: Little F*cking Winkie, Cousin It (for his one month per year, to promote the tailgate), Is That a Penis?, Virgin Pimp, Up Her Ali, and Broken Rod

Autohashers: One Inch In, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Snap Off, Seiz’er TiTs, and Virgin Pimp.

Accusations

For something that happened in Canada…and because Tube C*ck isn’t around, anyone who has ever been to Canada was told to drink.

…and because this was a lame accusation and would have been a social, it was deemed false and the mob moved on.

For not properly instructing her virgin, Just Tony, about how not to point in circle: Is That a Penis?

…and Snap Off for the “When one Russian drinks…” rule (is that a new rule?)

…and Virgin Pimp because something happened with a virgin.

For being confused and wearing a green dress, without it being green dress: Hold the Sausage

…which was deemed a false accusation by Two Clump Chump, though no one drank for it.

For dropping a beer at the beer check, which is full fledged alcohol abuse: Midnight Tranny to Georgia

For scaring Snap Off’s pussy into hiding at Tuesday’s PH3 – and something about it being engorged into hiding…and an entire batch of hot dogs: Itemized Seduction

For eating in circle: The S & M Man, Is That a Penis?, and Just Tony

…and Snap Off for the “When one Russian drinks…” rule

…then something about one girl who doesn’t swallow by Little F*cking Winkie – not really worth adding….

For squealing like a little girl when he almost got pants’ed: Rear Engineer

For racing to coming in almost after Cause for Blindness: Grab My Handlebars

For sleeping with Snap Off tonight: Is That a Penis?

…but because they accused themselves of it, they both drank.

…and then Rear Engineer actually got pants’ed

For making condoms, uh, he meant contact with Rear Engineer’s butt: Short Distance Rimmer

…but Virgin Pimp drank because he messed up the accusation and because it was acceptable hash behavior

…and then there was a motion to ban Snap Off from making accusations in circle, but it was unclear who would be ordained to make such a motion (apparently we didn’t have a GM present, I mean, other than Midnight Tranny), which was followed by a ban on all accusations made by Russians

For asking to live in the basement of a church just to be able to have sex (with Priests?): Little F*cking Winkie

…oddly enough, this was deemed supremely acceptable hash behavior, considering that he did f*ck a priest, and apparently “she was freaky!” as stated by Little F*cking Winkie, though he drank in congratulations of his conquest(s)

Announcements

Up Her Ali:

1)    Full Moon at Druid’s Keep, beverage checks and make sure to come in running clothes!

2)    July 31^st, Full Moon AGM – at the Ukie Club on 23^rd in Fairmount

Rear Engineer:

1)    New Orleans Red Dress Run, August 14^th – close to 8000 people, 300 hashers and a private balcony over Bourbon Street

2)    PH3 1700, August 21^st – it’ll be a great time!

Cousin It: Philly Tailgate, three tickets left.

Grab My Handlebars:  Come one and all to the roof deck at the Brewery for 4^th of July fireworks! Bucket!!

The S & M Man: BFM #333 next week – arrive at Woolly Mammoth for group sex games and beer!

Mr. Snuffleupamuff: BFM teeshirts will be here soon! $15 for a teach shirt, both men’s and women’s cuts – get yours now!

And lastly, somehow Rear Engineer’s water broke… Hmm….

Overheard on Trail

“And just for ‘Handlebars, I wore a bra” – Cause for Blindness

“I bet they’d like to bend a priest over a pew” – Two Clump Chump, in light of Winkie’s conquest

On-On,

Grab My Handlebars

“Get a dress or show us a body part – those are the rules of prom night.”

Beware you other hash who try to steal… oh wait. Beware those who might arrive on prom night, not dressed to the nines with a grass skirt tux, zipper from sack to Adam’s apple, or proof that you legitimatly went out in public in that dress. The BFM is a swanky place – full of C*cks and Hoes – holding high standards – which we break on a regular basis. Moreover, we have expectations for such things as beer (for the love of all things holy, don’t spill it) and circle (it will not take forever, like the pirate song – oh wait…).

This year, the exclusive ranks of the BFM were made up of…

One Inch In, in what can only be described as a full-length stripper zipper with a side of black pleather & Deep Discunt, showing more sports bra than skin with the black flowered number but – more importantly – a blue bandana…

Mediocre and Stupid, in a rockin’ blue satin dress that was out of the hash’s league – lucky for us, MediStu isn’t…

ChernoBlow, offering her best rendition of a dark Tinkerball, with quite a rack, who arrived with Stan in tow…

Cleavage to Beaver, who offered a satin purple number with sparkles, rather than the eyeful she offered last year & The S & M Man, with a sequin number for the ages (or for someone twice his age)…

Twat of Darkness, offering up an off-the-shoulder black dress that was, well, shorter than she was comfortable being lady-like in (photos to come)…

Just the Brown Tip, in a lovely backdress, as class as her (maybe moreso)…

Big Tackle, in a classic grey tux (actual, rather than tee shirt shaped)…

Cause for Blindness, providing us with a better understanding of her lingerie collection than any of us ever wanted & Flounder, in a classy black tux tee shirt…

Gag Reflex, actually dressed up for the first appropriate time in weeks…

Sloppy Ho, in a bubblegum pink dress that looked a little too close to Softcore Analist’s but more like a disco ball…

Mr. Snuffleupamuff, in the shortest short-shorts (oh yea, there’s a picture), matched with a tux tee, which he unfortunately (for Sloppy Ho) got all over her bed & Seiz’er TiTs, leaving her goodies hidden behind an orange tux shirt that Where’s My Vagina? was jealous of…

As it was, Where’s my Vagina?, as one would expect, sowed up in a vintage orange number that was, well, to disco for…

Softcore Analist, in the same lovely pink number as last year, but somehow a boob was left on trail (more to come)…

Piss Cycle, with a one-shouldered dress from the likes of Louis Vuitton, or at least Julia Louis Dreyfus… Snap Off, in the dress she had to wear home when she lost a game of strip poker with ChernoBlow last year…

Tube C*ck, bringing out his blonde wig and some stunning eye shadow to complement his long and slinky navy blue number, BFM cape in tow…

Nappy Headed Hoe, in a smashing tie with an equally slick mustache…

Just Pam, who arrived fashionably auto-hashing late with a sparkly blue mini-dress (was it mini, or just her?)…

Bumble Beaver, who shocked the hash by letting her sports bra interfere with her strapless number…

Heave Ho, in her actual home-made prom dress from 1987, complete with Polaroid snapshot…

Porn to Fail, joining the tux tee team sporting light blue & Itemized Seduction, sporting a foot brace to match her dress…

SheFelta Fish, in a dress that certainly looked closer to the ‘play clothes’ from sister Maria than prom…

Two Clump Chump, in a homemade gilly suit, claiming it was a “grass skirt tuxedo” …

Slutty When Wet, who looked both like a princess and like a mushroom ala Mario Kart…

Sternum and Rectum, who was classy as always…

Scooby Snatch, who came dressed to the nines, or dressed at 9 and forgot his dress – one of the two…

Sex Tonight…Denied!, after his much famed red dress marathon (apparently he doesn’t believe in safety in numbers), he graced the BFM with a satin light blue number…

Dirty White Trash, with a teal dress that’s a few sequins short of a prom dress…

Stick It In, with a black sparkly dress…

Dunkin Heinz, who toured prom on a folding bicycle – an odd accessory, but he’s a hasher…

Likes to Blow, who offered a great fez-suit coat combination…

And sadly, this on-sec couldn’t really tell the difference between Just Lauren, Likes it in the Rear, 169 Degrees, and Jacoozi Floozy – but they were there and looked, well, like hashers in prom dresses. Lastly, upon the arrival of Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, and Sleeps Around the C*ck, it was clear that they were auto-crashing prom because they were not in the requisite over-the-top ugly formal wear….

So after enjoying the festivities at Chez Sloppy Ho (= PBR and a backyard – we’re not really hard to please), the sweaty mob returned to Bonner’s for some meatballs and sausage (we like our meat, what can I say…), among other things. The beer was poured, somewhat ample, and there was a rumor that the RA’s had a special treat for the mob! Unfortunately, when The S & M Man started circle, it was clear that the special thing was not going to be the return of our illustrious and long missing GM Midnight Tranny to Georgia or a prom dress ending up on the floor but beer, accusations, and too much talking by the likes of Cause for Blindness and Porn to Fail – oh well, there’s always hope for that prom dress to be discarded next year (though rumor has it that there was some fornication in the back room by some LVH3’ers).

Circle

Hares: Where’s My Vagina? and Shefelta Fish

…Not enough angry diners…

…Not enough angry trannies (and none of the Midnight variety)…

Virgins: Just Brandon and Just Brian, who made each other cum (hmmm….) without their dresses – maybe they left them on the floor after the last Prom; Just Steve ala Bumble Beaver; Just James ala Piss Cycle; Just Annie and Just Pat ala Shefelta Fish; Just Megan and Just Katie ala Just Tristian

First/Last In: Just Pam and Deep Discunt

Autohashers: The S & M Man, Just Pam, Short Distance Rimmer, Hold the Sausage, Sleeps Around the C*ck, Just Tristian, Seiz’er TiTs, and Nappy Headed Ho

…and Heave Ho and Sloppy Ho for the “When one Ho drinks…” rule.

…and for some unknown reason, Tube C*ck also drank…

Cums Latlies: Just Tristian, Bumble Beaver, Piss Cycle, Cleavage to Beaver (which apparently warranted the “When on Beaver drinks…” rule when there aren’t any other beavers…), Sloppy Ho, Twat of Darkness, Sex Tonight…Denied!, Heave Ho, Nappy Headed Ho, and Just James.

Visitors: With a whole pack of exported half-minds from LVH3, there were more bad pirate jokes than any of us cared to witness. 169 Degrees had one about movies rated “Rrrrr!”… Dirty White Trash offered tips on “Rrrr!”gyle shaggy socks… Just Lauren admitted to the group her addiction to pha“Rrrrr!”maceuticals… Likes it in the Rear offered a quip on pirate life being ha“Rrrrr!”d… Likes to Blow said something slightly incomprehensible about f*cking in the ea“Rrrrr!”… Jacoozi Floozy made up for it with her tales from the pirate hash where they ask, “Rrrrr you?!”…Stick It In showed his “Rrrrr!”se, which really was a joke… Dunkin Heinz concluded the pirate rampage with something joke about a woman, a tornado, and a moaning house.

…this was concluded with a few verses of “Yo Ho”. Once we got in and out, rather than f*cking about, we moved onto accusations.

Accusations

For being an overachieving ass clown and defending her title of mistress: Twat of Darkness

For loosing a boob on trail and not noticing it: Soft Core Analist

For walking around like he’s actually the one running circle: Porn to Fail

For stopping in circle to see a gay choir, or a group of progressive Lutherans: Cause for Blindness

For wearing a dress that she really did wear to prom: Sloppy Ho

…and Heave Ho and Nappy Headed Ho, for the “When one Ho drinks…” rule

For actually wearing her 1987 prom dress to prom, with a photo to prove it: Heave Ho 

For going to retrieve said boob, after trail: Soft Core Analist

…though this was deemed acceptable hash behavior, so Hold the Sausage drank for it.

For looking like Hunter Thompson (whoever that is): Porn to Fail

For being a lady under his pants, sporting Philly Roller Girl panties under his red sequin dress: The S & M Man

For making us think about her underwear, in light of our discussion of The S & M Man’s: Cause for Blindness

For only ranking as “Ok” on the local ghetto tranny prostitute meter: Tube C*ck

For having lunch with a married man and admitting that he put out: Grab My Handlebars

For being a racist in his Juno-esque mini shirts: Mr. Snuffleupamuff

For showing up as the Sanford’s Christmas Tree: Two Clump Chump

For having meatballs for dinner, balls for breakfast, and a side of tuna in there somewhere: Cleavage to Beaver

For having broken a rib while trying to give himself a blow job: The S & M Man

For cooking like Stravinsky (…whatever that means…): Just Steve

For actually dressing appropriately for once: Gag Reflex

For having a little blonde dog on his head: Tube C*ck

For having too much fun on a weekend with beer and no clothing in Las Vegas, impersonating Hunter Thompson (see above), with two rather friendly girls on his lap: Porn to Fail

For not coordinating and all showing up in Tuxedo teeshirts: Gag Reflex, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Seiz’er TiTs, and Flounder

For auto-hashing in an epic way, both late and underdressed: Scooby Snatch

For b*tching and whining all the way back from, well, something fun: The S & M Man

For being a whiny FRB on trail: One Inch In

For not being able to count BC’s (back checks): Two Clump Chump

For daring to wear a sports bra so we can’t see her boobs: Bumble Beaver

For not getting trashed when her semester got over: Just the Brown Tip

For not wearing the $4 prom dress given to her by Grab My Handlebars: Sleeps around the C*ck

For not sticking it in: Stick It In

For thinking they live by the water where pirates sail, with all their waterlogged pirate jokes: The LVH3 contingent

For taking his shorts off in a hot tub that was primarily men, and giggling about it: Scooby Snatch

For his new porn career: Nappy Headed Ho

…and Sloppy Ho and Heave Ho, for the “When one Ho drinks…” rule

For a far cry from an attempt at a Hawaiian tux: Two Clump Chump

For using nerd names on trail: I-69…? No wait, 169 Degrees

…and Snap Off for confusing the two

For being both Mediocre and Stupid: Mediocre and Stupid

For being a foreigner: Tube C*ck

For saying something wrong in circle and getting a “Ziggy zaggy…”: 169 Degrees

For abusing alcohol in public (rather than behind closed doors like the rest of us): The S & M Man

Contest Winners

Vaginas:

Although there were some strong entries by Grab My Handebars arriving in a stunning number which was either the tooth fairy or some sort of Prom Barbie, Chernoblow for actually showing her tits, MediStu for actually looking hot in her blue dress, and Stan for showing up in clothing, Heave Ho clenched it with her 1987 prom dress reenactment.

Penises (Peni?):

This category was a hard fought contest between Tube C*ck, in a slinky blue number and a blonde wig, The S & M Man with his shiniest red sequins, Mr. Snuffleupamuff for showing us that short shorts are still both intreaguing and disturbing, One Inch In for his foray into The S & M Man’s territory with a pleather zipper from sack to adam’s apple – “this guy” won with a fez and a stunning jacket with tails, congrats Likes to Blow!

Birthday Side-Sides

Mr. Snuffleupamuff

Announcements

Two Clump Chump: Scooby Snatch is going to say something about Cousin It’s August – no, July Phillies Tailgate

Bumble Beaver: 5 PM Saturday, Roller Derby!

Hold the Sausage: PH3 hosted this Saturday at 3 pm by Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, The Rash, and maybe Rear Engineer

Cause for Blindness: PA Innerhash information online!

Runner Girl: Rumson hash – 10 bars, 10 miles – show up

Dunkin Heinz: Saturday, June 19^th – LVH3…something about a drinking club

Overheard on Trail

“Get a dress or show us a body part – those are the rules of prom night.”

“I had to do his boob as my side-side!”  Two Clump Chump to The S & M Man

On-On,

Grab My Handlebars

Long ago, in a land far away (but not as far as Manyunk) in the Kingdom of West Philly, brave leporids cut through the gentrification and expanses of space left by the fleeing UPenn students. After having dethroned the dreaded Midnight Tranny To Georgia, temporary King One Inch In let jesters Mediocre and Stupid and Gag Reflex run amuck with the fates of the likes of Can You Hear Me Now?, Cause for Blindness, Flounder, Son of Goatf*cker, Deep Discunt, Softcore Analist, Post-Anal Drip, Rear Engineer, Just Heather, Snap Off, Where’s my Vagina?, Whisky D*ck, Beastie Boy, Lick Hymen, H.M.Ho and Cums First – with Porn to Fail and Itemized Seduction enjoying the libations and leg ‘o Turkey from the barmaid,  Seiz’er TiTs and Mr. Snuffleupamuff arriving covered in the hay that lies behind the blacksmith shop, and last but sometimes least, Two Clump Chump arriving after gallivanting around a mountain searching for a wee lass or at least the glory of a running club that doesn’t b*tch about the hills. As for Little F*ucking Winkie, he didn’t even bother to show up for free beer…

The hares brought the caravan through the trees, over yonder berms, through parks and across immense stretches of cobbled roads. After the circle jerking was done, we (anti-climactically) retuned to the Blarney Stone, a mere stone’s throw from the castle in which we began. After tithes were given for libations, the weary travelers came together to catapult insults and drink of the mead.

Circle

Hares: Mediocre and Stupid and Gag Reflex

“So happy to be here!”

“Not enough circle jerks”

“Thoroughly awesome”

No Virgins

Visitors: H.M.Ho and Cums First from the Texas Eat Me H3 (who offered a rousing rendition of ‘Incest time in Texas’) and Beastie Boy from the SFH3

First/Last In: One Inch in, Deep Discunt, Lick Hymen and Cause for Blindness

Cums Latelies: Lick Hymen, Whisky D*ck, and Just Heather

Autohashers: Porn to Fail, Itemized Seduction, Seiz’er TiTs, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Two Clump Chump and Little F*ucking Winkie

Accusations

For just plain bad trail: Mediocre and Stupid and Gag Reflex

For eating in circle: Grab My Handlebars, Porn to Fail, and Deep Discunt

For not Cumming First: Cums First

For having showered and changed in circle, apparently giving off some serious body odor: Beastie Boy

For headphones, as tech on trail: Lick Hymen

For some bad teaching of a new hare, on trail: Mediocre and Stupid 

For being afraid of the lightning on trail: Where’s My Vagina?

For Getting drunk and engaged at Bay to Breakers in San Francisco, but not remembering either: Post Anal Drip

For going two years without a seizer with Johnson de Mr. Snuffleupamuff was inside her: Seiz’er TiTs

For Complaining about a guy not coming first: Snap Off

…but it was called a false accusation by Porn to Fail

For wearing a fanny pack on trail, claiming it’s a sports pack, knowing it’s a sports bra and it not being 1985: Lick Hymen

For not dressing well enough: Gag Reflex

For ordering 10 dumplings and getting 30 (but he was already in circle): Porn to Fail

For claiming that he had balls as big as cherries: Rear Engineer

Birthday Side-Sides

Seiz’er TiTs – but “who gets to seize her tits??”

Announcements

Cause for Blindness: PA Innerhash, there will be a bus…Go to the website…

Post Anal Drip: EPIC bike race party will be Saturday, June 5^th into Sunday June 6^th – it’s so epic, it needs two days.

Mediocre and Stupid: Full Moon, Friday May 28^th at Krupas in Fairmount

(who then had to drink for almost forgetting that she was haring a hash)

Rear Engineer: Apres at Chez Rear, but also the New Orleans H3 (NoH3) Red Dress run, 8000 people (as if that’s a good thing) will be August 14^th

Porn to Fail: Saturday Philly Hash, Drexel Avenue in Haverton with Radar – also Dogfish Dash, September 25^th – $20 for a 5K, $25 for a 10 K – and all you can drink Dogfish Head!

Mr. Snuffleupamuff in lieu of Scooby Snatch: Cousin It’s Tailgate will be Aug…Oh wait, July 10^th

Snap Off: 7am Odd Mutter half marathon

(which lead Can You Hear Me Now, Cums First, and Snap Off to drink for being racists)

And once the mead was drunk and all the stout hearted hashers had their fill, they headed back to their castles, huts, and favorite meadows for a well earned respite, just to do it again the next week and the next. And they lived happily ever after – well, not all, but at least there was beer.

The End.

Overheard on Trail

“I love the jerk!” – Mediocre and Stupid referring to either chicken, hash men, or circles – not really sure…

“You drank all the virgins and f*cked all the beers”

On-On,

Grab My Handlebars

Mismanagement was trying something new this week. We were going to attempt to start the hash ‘on time’ and have the circle end at a decent hour. You can’t say we didn’t try.

(side note: MM stands for Mis Management. I thought that was understood, but based on the number of you who wrote back to me and said "what is MM?" I guess it is not.)

Hashers who showed up at Grumpy’s on time:
Where’s my Vagina?, Flounder, Grab my Handlebars, CYHMN?, Son of Goat F*cker, Sly Fox, Sloppy Ho, Cause for Blindness, Mediocre and Stupid, Big Tackle, Bonsai Bush, Queef, Tube Cock, S&M Man, Fire Down Under, One inch in, Just Steve, Just Laura, and Just Heather.

Big Tackle and Grab my Handlebars took off to lay trail exactly at 7:50 PM. The rest of us went outside for Chalk Talk which took place in front of the bar next to a bench. Not really a necessary detail to point out, except for that there was a man sitting on the bench playing a game of Suduko. And he stayed there, trying to concentrate while chalk talk went on around him. Impressive.

The 8:00PM start time must have really confused us because the first 6 blocks of this trail was a bizarro hash. Flounder solved the first three checks.  Where’s my Vagina was setting her watch in order to time herself.  Stoop sitters were actually sending us in the right direction.  Once we got to the 95 overpass we lost trail and things seemed normal again.  Somehow we found our way to Lyon’s Den for beer check #1.

Several things happened to make the on time start null and void.  There was play ground that everyone had to stop and climb all over.  There was an impromptu beer check at Triangle Park.  There was an official beer check at RAY’S HAPPY BIRTHDAY BAR!!!!  Just Laura was having so much fun that she kept hugging people.  The Phillies were beating the Yankees.  All forces working against a circle ending before 10. 

At this point in my notes someone took my pen when I wasn’t looking and wrote: "Just Heather said her crotch was too sweaty."  If someone wrote it down it must be true. 

Hares:  Big Tackle and Grab my Handlebars (special appearance by Son of Goat F*cker for catching the hares).

Virgins:  Just Laura (One Inch In) and Just Steve (Just Heather)

Long Time No See:  Queef, Sly Fox, Jingle Ballz, Cousin It

Bonsai Bush and MediStu: Pouring beers from a Miller Lite VORETX bottle into cups…defeating the whole point of the Vortex bottle.

MM: Starting the hash on time and then being defeated by 3 beer checks anyway

Jingle Ballz: showing up late two weeks in a row wearing a bathing suit. What are you doing on Thursday nights?

Tube Cock: making One Inch In’s ass hurt without taking him to dinner first. 

With that, the Phillies beat the Yankess and hashers were high kicking off into the night.

Druid n. “An ancient Celtic order of priests, teachers, diviners, and magicians” (Answers.com “Druid” 2010: n.p.)

Keep n. “The stronghold of a castle” (Answers.com “Keep” 2010: n.p.)

Apparently the Druid’s Keep is a stronghold where they house . Apparently the Druid’s Keep is also a live action role playing (LARP) organization, a “Furcadian role playing guild” – not to be confused with furries. We’re not really that far from role playing – “Can I be designated check-hanger tonight? I’m on that!” – or character names – do I need to mention that we consistently consider names such as Big Tackle, Bonsai Bush, Son of Goatf*cker, Sloppy Ho, The S & M Man and brother Just Charile, Cleavage to Beaver, Tube C*ck, Sleeps Around the C*ck, Working Girl, Short Distance Rimmer, Softcore Analist, The Rash, Where’s my Vagina?, Rear Engineer, Hold the Sausage, Runner Girl and Just Peanut, Gag Reflex, Is That a Penis?, Just the Brown Tip, Slutty When Wet, Snap Off or Mediocre and Stupid legitimate for polite conversation. I mean, just think of a time you yelled “Whisky Dick!” or “Cleavage?!” across a crowd and was surprised that people, other than the above named individuals turned (so maybe that’s just me?). Joined by those not saddled with a double entendre or an inside joke Just James, Cousin It, Just Pam, Just Mayva and virgin Just Scott (ala some guy at work – a little indecent for this family organization?), the mob poured out onto the street and waited patiently for chalk talk. And waited, and waited – to the point that Itemized Seduction, Seiz’er TiTs, Porn to Fail, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Sub Cuntinent, Heave Ho, Two Clump Chump, Just Mom and Just Dad (also known as Mama and Papa S & M) had to buy their own beer as they waited for the mob to return, late into the evening.

Why you ask? Oh, maybe it had to do with the circle jerks and back-checks laid by the lovely hares. And I thought there was epic check hanging last week? Boy was I mistaken. After FRB’s Rear Engineer and Son of Goatf*cker were foiled by the BC8, the mob finally got back on trail only to be stumped by a BC5 set among the likes of bombed out cars, dark alleys and tire irons. This was one of those trails where the harriettes stayed together and there was mob insurrection (yes, I did say ‘rection) to go on-in. Funny enough, their hash noses were right and they were on trail – and they thought they’d go back to the bar, ha! Once we got through the projects and back into the back alleys of the NoLibs, we apparently frightened a pair of male bystanders enough that they asked, “Is this a flash mob?” This was quickly quieted by Cleavage to Beaver’s quip: “You wish.”

Once finally arriving at Chez Sub Cuntinent the mob was quelled with beer and no more ghetto. It was a long trail, but we all had nothing better to do so why worry? Just run. From there, it was back to the bar, playing that game where you thrown the beanbags into the board on the other side and much outdoor patio to be had. It was a great time but then we started…

Circle

Hares: Tube C*ck and Hold the Sausage

            Not enough Ghetto

            Not enough rapes/driveby’s/threats to our lives

            Not enough cops – er, too much cops punching Snap Off

Virgins: Just Scott ala a friend from work and born-again virgin Just Charlie ala the bro-mance of The S & M Man

Visitors: Runner Girl and Just Peanut from the NJ Whores and Just James all the way from PH3, who showed us a joke…

First/Last In: Son of Goatf*cker (surprise surprise) and Big Tackle – and for point in circle, Just James

Cums Latlies: Cousin It, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Just Pam, Is That a Penis?

Autohashers: Itemized Seduction, Seiz’er TiTs, Porn to Fail, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Sub Cuntinent (who stayed at home with the little one), Heave Ho, Two Clump Chump, Just Mom and Just Dad (also known as Mama and Papa S & M)

Accusations

For something about Mr. Sniffleupamuff and a Blow Job….Hmmm….: Tube C*ck

For being once again too stylish on trail in his button up shirt (apparently it didn’t have a collar – like that makes a difference): Gag Reflex

For his ass eating his pants (which began a rousing round of ‘Wrong Turn to Brown Town’): Just James

…and then for some reason Tube C*ck felt the need to demonstrate on Bonsai Bush the last verse of “Put your right leg over my shoulder…”

For getting a new cool job and not buy a round of drinks: Tube C*ck

For almost being arrested for jay walking across the Ben Franklin Bridge exit in front of a cop car (half-mind much??): Snap Off

For not being recognizable with his shirt on in temperatures above 65 degrees: Short Distance Rimmer

For doing body shots by herself (and not offering them to the men of the hash): Mediocre and Stupid

For arriving late, being virgins, auto-hashing, and producing an offspring the likes of The S & M Man: Just Mom and Just Dad (also known as Mama and Papa S & M) to a rousing round of, “When it’s incest time in Texas!” Just Mom liked that song especially.

For coming out of the utility closet looking around and saying, “I left a pair of shoes here last year – I hoped they’d be here!”: Mediocre and Stupid

For doing a good job teaching Just Dad but missing the boat on teaching Just Mom about a down-down: The S & M Man

For not having a boot on his car: Cousin It

For the most creative way to get a black eye (apparently at Bay to Breakers, there was this wall, but then there was an earthquake and the wall gave way – or was it the saving of a baby by putting his face between it and the ground?): Softcore Analist

For not taking a stunt liver despite two accidents in three days: Cousin It

For being one day away from graduating medical school: The S & M Man

…joined by Is That a Penis?, Sleeps Around the C*ck, and Sloppy Ho for the “When One Doctor drinks…” rule (you didn’t know we were so smart did you? Yea, there are over 30 advanced degrees in the BFM)

…who also drank with Tube C*ck for the “When one c*ck drinks…” rule

…and then Heave Ho (who didn’t get called in for Cums Lately) got suckered by the “When one ho drinks…” rule

For having tried to pee in Fire Down Under’s Closet (do we need a counterpart to Piss Cycle?): Mediocre and Stupid

For Peeing on trail: Just James [Declined]

…but it was a false accusation by Snap Off (though neither of them drank…)

For changing the date of the August Philly’s tail-gate to July: Cousin It

Which concluded circle with a remark about the lovely and talented Mediocre and Stupid having thrown up a little in her mouth and then breathing it onto Sei’zer TiTs.

Birthday Side-Sides

Mediocre and Stupid

Snap Off

And then the mob witnessed what can only be described as a hash miracle: someone did/said something real stupid on trail and got saddled with it for the rest of their hash life. Ah yes, a naming.

Just James was brought into circle after much slapping of his chest and remarks about trail, finally silenced, and told to get on his knees. After guest GM Hold the Sausage ordained herself in circle (it was intense), she noted that we were on Brown Street. Hmm, what could that mean? And when Bonsai Bush added that she could see the inner portion of Just James’ ass through his jeans, it was enough for the (mostly drunk) to start chanting, “Wrong turn to Brown Town!” Without further ado, like any other name suggestions, the mob rule was accepted so Just James will forever be known as Wrong Turn to Brown Town.

But before circle could move onto announcements, ChernoBlow was glowing in circle (radioactivity?) and got pulled in for tech in circle. And although it was probably the missing Midnight Tranny to Georgia checking on his beloved (wait, his girl or the hash?), it was deemed unacceptable. And she drank for it.

Announcements

Hold the Sausage: Next Friday, May 28^th will be the net Full Moon, hared by Mediocre and Stupid (apparently decided right then in circle). In addition, June will be the return of the Dysfunctional Family Picnic on some Saturday yet to be determined.

Rear Engineer: New Orleans Red Dress run, coming up August 14^th 2010

The S & M Man: BFM Prom! Coming June 10^th to a bar near you – get your fanciest taffeta and bow ties, it’s on! Also, guest GM and RA One Inch In will be in charge next week – be on your best (worst) behavior!

Porn to Fail: September, PA Innerhash. Be there, or the airport – I’m not sure which.

Cousin It: July 10^th, Annual August Phillies Tailgate

Overheard on Trail

“I want to have your abortion!” after something about Tube C*ck’s new job – Snap Off

“We’re On-ing In” – Short Distance Rimmer

“You’re an On-ing” – Rear Engineer

“You’re mom’s On-ing…” – SDR

On-On,

Grab My Handlebars

References (for those who give a sh*t)

Answers.Com. 2010. “Druid.” Retrieved 4-1-2010 from http://www.answers.com/topic/druid

Answers.Com. 2010. “Keep.” Retrieved 4-1-2010 from http://www.answers.com/topic/keep

[Cue sinister music and fog] From forth the fatal loins of these two foes, a pair of start-crossed – oh wait, this is the trash? Yes yes, very good.

So, this one time, at… See? I got you again – let’s try that a second time: this one time, at the hash, with the smell of Chinese takeout in the air, Big Tackle, Just the Brown Tip, Snap Off, Son of Goatf*cker, Two Clump Chump, Fire Down Under, The S & M Man, Sloppy Ho, Rear Engineer, The Rash, Tube C*ck, Bonsai Bush, Can You Hear Me Now?, Cause for Blindness, Flounder, and Gag Reflex gathered at the Lyon’s den for yet another venture out into the streets of Philadelphia to get their fill of what-not. The bartender was friendly (at least to this On-Sec) and the beer was flowing – did you know you could get like 30 different kinds of six-packs in the belly of this lion? I mean Lyon… The pack meandered aimlessly, making small talk about this and that what-not until they were called to task – a run? In such lovely weather? Well sure – I’ll take some of that! And I did. And there was… Wait, once again, not quite the right tune. So with Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Softcore Analist, Where’s my Vagina?, Mama and Papa ‘Vagina?, ChernoBlow, Scooby Snatch, Goes Down Often following slowly behind, the mob gathered their what-not and headed out, welcoming Virgins Just Dora ala visitor Fallopian Dude and Just Mayva in hot pursuit of Big Tackle and what-not.

(So what’s with the ‘what-not’? Oh just you wait)

Trail was amazing – there was a garden and what felt like the longest bout of check-hanging in BFM history (ok, at least the last three, maybe four runs). As the pack waited at the corner for at least five minutes, with virgins in hot pursuit of trail, the pack should have been ashamed of itself but you’ve met us, we weren’t. A man walked up and asked, “What’s going on?” And we said something about waiting, and beer, and he was as perplexed as we were as to why we were standing there. So somehow we got back on track (I think it was thanks to Just Mayva) and headed into Woolly Mammoth.

There we met Tackle and some not-so-happy Mammoth patrons who promptly left after we entered with our sweat, our racy conversation (we were gossiping about racists I guess), and a good bit of what-not (there’s that ‘what-not’ again…). Glasses were filled and refilled and we were a happy mob.

Circle

Hares: Big Tackle

Virgins: Just Dora ala Fallopian Dude and Just Mayva ala a ‘friend in San Diego’ (long-distance cumming I see…)

Visitors: Mama and Papa ‘Vagina? and Fallopian Dude

First/Last In: Fire Down Under, Snap Off, and Cause for Blindness (you decide which is which)

Cums Latlies: Gag Reflex, Goes Down Often, Flounder, and The Rash

Autohashers: Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Gag Reflex (mostly for being overdresed on trail) and Goes Down Often

Softcore Analist, Where’s my Vagina?, Mama and Papa ‘Vagina?, ChernoBlow, and Scooby Snatch.

Accusations

For being a premeditated racist and refusing to drink: Goes Down Often

…and Bonsai Bush, Grab My Handlebars, and some other sucker who stunt livered for her. (Just you wait, we got a drink in her before the end of the night.)

For being the best dressed on trail, in a button up: Gag Reflex

For calling Bonsai Bush by her nerd name in circle (tisk tisk): The S & M Man

For calling Fire Down Under by her nerd name in circle (what are you, new?!): Snap Off

For wearing compression pants and trying to pass them off as regular pants: Snap Off

For not training his sister/virgin well enough because she messed up every step of the way: Fallopian Dude

For coming in third at a triathlon this past weekend: Racist + Over-Achieving Ass-Clown = Bonsai Bush

…and The S & M Man for the “When one RA drinks…” rule

For falling ill on trail and making the cops cum, plus that whole racist what-not: Tube C*ck

For doing too well on her virgin hash: Just Dora

For constantly messing up my name refute the rumors and confirms that she is not pregnant: Goes Down Often (and this time it was booze)

For being Goes Down Often’s stalker for the day: Grab My Handlebars

For saying, “Pull my finger…” but not farting loud enough: Sloppy Ho

For being Stan’s counterpart: Just Dora

For being a racist on a different run (not sure when but we had to get her good and trashed): Goes Down Often

For being done with the semester (and choosing to come to the hash – who does that?): The Rash

For not having posted her grades yet, despite the fact that the deadline is two days away: Grab My Handlebars

For wearing a teach shirt but having great curves under it (not sure how that’s not appropriate hash behavior): Sloppy Ho [Declined]

…and for making a false accusation, Flounder.

Announcements

Where’s My Vagina?: Heading out with Softcore Analist, Post Anal Drip, and Swollen C*ckpit to the 99^th running of Bay to Breakers. She expects to see a great deal of BFMers at next year’s 100^th running!

There was something about uh…tailgate… what-not…July…whatever as stated once again by Scooby Snatch.

Rear Engineer will hare PH3’s hash this Saturday out of west Fairmount park.

Overheard on Trail

“If you can’t keep it in your pants, keep it in the family” – Fallopian Dude

"I’ve got all A’s!" – The Rash (while proudly talking about her grades)
"You’ve got AIDS??? Ok, see ya!" – Rear Engineer

In the end, we decided that a) bikes do fit in the back of cars, b) GDO continues to promise her womb is bare so we will do our best to believe her, and c) that ‘what-not’ is vague enough to be useful, and odd enough to be funny (Yea, I know – bit of a let down. At least there was beer).

…but trust me on the sunscreen.

On-On,

Grab My Handlebars

As Philadelphia begins to shed her layers of winter, the mob slowing grows fat on fair-weather hashers coming out of the woodwork and racists using the hash as training for whatever event they plan to abuse their bodies at over the weekend. Gallaghers slowly filled with the likes of Big Tackle, Hold the Sausage, Can You Hear Me Now?, Bonsai Bush, Just the Brown Tip, Mayor Quimby, Rear Engineer, SheFelta Fish, Mediocre and Stupid, Working Girl and his lovely Sleeps Around the C*ck, Short Distance Rimmer, The S & M Man, Softcore Analist, Tube C*ck, Where’s my Vagina?, Two Clump Chump, Slutty When Wet, Snap Off, Up Her Alley, Just Clifford, Three Balls, Broken Rod, Son of Goatf*cker, Sub Cuntinent, Second Cumming, Is That a Penis?, Pen-Is in My Ear, Sloppy Ho, Orangabang, and Two Finger Tuesday. There, unable to run for sheer laziness was Deep Discunt, One Inch In, Broken Rod, and Midnight Tranny to Georgia as autohashers.

As we stumbled through the east Fairmount shiggy (who knew there was shaggy on this side of the river?!) and the hobo dens, the mob struggled to find trail as the darkness came upon the hills of lemon (it was dark – it was hard to see that it was that picturesque). A few trailed off to begin their plotting back at the bar, while the mob continued on for libations at a rather small bar on Brown, where the booths are small, the tables are wobbly, and the conversation consists of the balls of Sox that are red and plaid bridesmaid dresses (frightening!). Little did they know the tragedy that was to befall them as they left Krupa’s and headed on-in back to the bar.

Upon returning to Gallaghers, the stage was set for such an unexpected turn for the worst that we just started the…

Circle

Hares: Two Clump Chump and Three Ball

Virgins: Just Angela ala Slutty When Wet

…and The S & M Man then had to drink for pointing in circle

First In: Mayor Quimby
Last In: Pen-Is in My Ear

Visitors: Orangabang got lost on trail, returned and then left to find his counterpart. Upon his return, he chose the option and bared his ass but Two Finger Tuesday who had gotten thoroughly lost on trail returned first to show us a joke: his upper thigh…

Cums Latlies: Deep Discunt, Second Cumming, Sub Cuntinent, SheFelta Fish, Snap Off, Is That a Penis?

Autohashers: Deep Discunt, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, One Inch In

Accusations

Circle began with a grandiose speech from The S & M Man about how ashamed he was of his fellow hashers. You know, here at the hash we like to run some, as a conduit for drinking beer. We have some pretty low standards and we can deal with the likes of 5 miles. We can even accept 10 miles…20 miles… and though 25 miles is pushing it, we’ll take it. Even 26 miles is within the realm of reason. But when Hold the Sausage, Rear Engineer, Working Girl, Sleeps Around the Cock, and Short Distance Rimmer decided to push it to 26.2 miles, it just was just plain unacceptable – so the mob got an insurrection! I mean they rioted! They tore down posters, shattered mirrors – you should have seen Tube C*ck hanging from the rafters like a crazed guerilla, with a shank held between his teeth – as Second Cumming used his military skills to tie up the infidels and tickle them unmercilessly. Mayor Quimby joined in, pulling riot gear out of somewhere to bash heads and protect his well-styled hair. As Big Tackle tried to qwell the anger, he was tossed aside by the smashing of chairs and emptying of taps (Noooo….! Alcohol Abuse!) – Is That a Penis? even threw on battle paint (out of that little bag she carries on trail for her phone and what-not) and ravaged the kitchen, taking Pen-Is in My Ear hostage (not really sure how that sword fight went). The mayhem was immense, with SheFelta Fish and Son of Goatf*cker setting fires and Mediocre and Stupid standing in the middle saying, “What, what, what?” The mob razed Gallagher’s beer pong heaven to the ground for such a grievous offense.

The End.

Oh, wait… That wasn’t what happened? Hmm, must’ve gotten water on my notes. Well, I think I remember something about a moderately loud ruckus that was really a rousing round of, “Oh, There are No Real Hashers in a Marathon…” lead by our very own Rear Engineer. So since Gallagher’s was still intact, the accusations continued.

…as Tube C*ck joined the infidels on the “When One C*ck drinks…” rule

For bringing the 80’s back with her full-force pastels: Slutty When Wet

For once again carrying tech on trail (and threatening to just go home if trail was too long): Is That a Penis?

For popping my racist cherry on Broad Street: Grab My Handlebars

For hash-crashing into a stop sign: Softcore Analist

For being an overachieving ass-clown and taking Sleeps Around the C*ck off the market (and something about being off the Market himself, and disappointing the ladies): Working Girl

…and for agreeing to get hitched: Sleeps Around the C*ck

For racing Snap Off to be first in: Mayor Quimby

For admitting to Bonsai Bush that I wanted to drink for being a racist (hey! It was my first!): Grab My Handlebars

For generally looking sneaky: Son of Goatf*cker

For letting his bra straps hang out: Second Cumming

For being denied by the backdoor: Slutty When Wet and Sloppy Ho

For facilitating Just Clifford’s crack (aka ice) habit: Midnight Tranny to Georgia

For committing to being a racist but not following through: Pen-Is in My Ear

For laughing at Orangbang’s ass (it was a joke apparently too): Sloppy Ho [Declined]

…instead Tube C*ck drank for a false accusation – laughing is always appropriate and nice.

For saying that Tube C*ck couldn’t sleep with Sei’zer TiTs: Bonsai Bush

Announcements

Mayor Quimby: Bruce-a-Palooza will be Saturday, June 12^th – sponsored by BEN FM. There will be beer, live bands, and much shinanigans – find them at Bruce-a-Palooza.com

Midnight Tranny: Prom! Lose your virginity in the parking lot all over again – Thursday, June 10th

Birthday Side-Sides

One Inch In

Deep Discunt

SheFelta Fish

And since Gallaghers was safe for another day, the mob left it peacefully (wasn’t there a bar fight outside? Hmmm..) – ok, at least moderately peacefully – but they glared over their shoulder(s) spitefully just once for good measure. And that, my friends, is the epic of Gallaghers.

On-On,

Grab My Handlebars

The ‘Yunk called the hash to task once again and Short Distance Rimmer, Two Clump Chump, Sleeps Around the C*ck, Working Girl, Hold the Sausage, Snap Off, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Festering Beanie Baby, Gag Reflex, Bonsai Bush, Mediocre and Stupid, Cause for Blindness, Flounder, Runner Girl, Just Peanut (who apparently nips, but only if you ask nicely…), Just Jose, The S & M Man, and a cadre of virgins: Just Bradford, Just Dan and Just Nicole ala Just Julie, Just Julie ala the Internet (it does wonders), Just Jess, Just Andrew, and Just Jessica ala One Inch In and Two Clump Chump answered the call. Sadly, One Inch In, ChernoBlow, Post Anal Drip, and Skin Fiddle alongside Just Kelynn ala Just Gina missed the call but called back after the run.

Speaking of calling, apparently we had called out for an obnoxiously hilly shit trail and Sausage and Rimmer answered the call. Running down stairs just to run up the next set, it was intense enough that Mayor Quimby and Festering Beanie Baby, in addition to Cause for Blindness and Flounder had to do an impromptu beer check with a group of medical students.  After a short trip out to Chez Two Clump Chump, it was back to the bar to get IDs checked and for…

Circle

Hares:  Hold the Sausage and Short Distance Rimmer

            Too Dead or Flat or Short (yea, right)

            Designed for a one legged woman

Virgins: It all started when the internet (that ole’ motorboatin’ son of a gun) made Just Julie cum, followed by her prompting Just Bradford, Just Dan and Just Nicole to cum. One Inch In and Two Clump Chump are also champs for bringing Just Jess, Just Andrew, and Just Jessica with Just Rachel tagging along after as an autohasher. Lastly, Just Kelynn came with Just Gina and Just Andrea came for ChernoBlow

Visitors: Runner Girl and Just Peanut (NJ Whores)

First/Last In: Bonsai Bush, Mediocre and Stupid, Swollen C*ckpit, Just Gina

Cums Latelies: One Inch In, Just Gina, Just Kelynn, and Festering Beanie Baby

Autohashers: One Inch In, ChernoBlow, Post Anal Drip, Just Andrea, Skin Fiddle, Just Gina, Just Kelynn, Hold the Sausage and Short Distance Rimmer

Accusations

For using One Inch In’s nerd name in circle: Swollen C*ck

…and Tube C*ck and Sleeps Around the C*ck for the “When one c*ck drinks…” rule.

For being ten days late! Oh wait, with the trash: Mediocre and Stupid

For overachieving by doing a lesson plan at the beer check: Two Clump Chump

For not drinking for being auto-hashers because they headed downstairs: Hold the Sausage and Short Distance Rimmer, plus Sleeps Around the C*ck for good measure

For wearing the same shirt with a big Penis on it: Swollen C*ckpit and Just Jose

For calling Swollen C*ckpit by the wrong name (Swell the C*ckpit?): Just Bradford

…and Tube C*ck and Sleeps Around the C*ck for the “When one c*ck drinks…” rule.

For actually giving the virgins instructions before circle: Two Clump Chump [Declined]

…but for making this false accusation: Snap Off

And the for some reason Festering Beanie Baby got kicked out of circle, but I have no idea why…

For putting up with the rowdy hash: Bartender Just Shawn

For not being man enough to have a fourth beer check the previous week: Mayor Quimby

For having a beer hammock (which was awesome, and determined to be acceptable hash behavior), but then for being a racist: Runner Girl

For being a racist (yea, his tee-shirt makes him a racist like a set of handlebars makes me a bike): Short Distance Rimmer

For disappearing Fire Down Under’s illustrious BFM cape: Just Jose

For setting up the hash but then not knowing that Two Clump Chump would ASS(out of)U(and)ME that he was hare: Midnight Tranny to Georgia

For not getting lost on trail (because they were all local): Virgins

For being a sister of Mayor Quimby’s that Scooby Snatch has not hooked up with: Just Gina

And then…? No and then! Just kidding. What a treat for the cadre of virgins – Just Jose was pulled into circle for a naming!

After finding out that he’s a school counselor who has a thing for ducks, likes it doggie style but doesn’t like to take it up the ass like Stan… “No Lay Jose,” “F*ck me in the 7/16^th’s,” “El Experiment-o C*ck-o” and “Dildo on a Saddle” fell short of the mob and mismanagement’s hopes, so the naming was postponed for a later date.

Announcements

Mayor Quimby: Bruce-a-palooza on Saturday, June 12^th, sponsored by BEN FM

Tube C*ck: Gird your loins for the upcoming Red Bull Flugtag – join the engineering madness!

Swollen C*ckpit: Upcoming bike race party, Saturday June 6^th. Apparently it’s epic…

Hold the Sausage: Full Moon Bash, Green Room, April 30^th

Midnight Tranny: Upcoming Hashes include the First Annual BFM Invitational Bar Crawl and the week after is the Graffiti hash – be there or be…not written all over!

Overheard On Trail

“The deeper you get in, the worse it is” – Bonsai Bush

“What?! You don’t want to toss anyone’s salad?” – Unnamed Hasher

On-On,

Grab My Handlebars

 So there we were: Twat of Darkness, Two Clump Chump, Where’s My Vagina, Slutty When Wet, Just Jose, Cleavage to Beaver, Scooby Snatch, He’s a Lesbian, Porn to Fail, Tube Cock, Bonsai Bush, Shefelta Fish, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Grab My Handelbars, the S & M Man and myself; standing as close as we could to the door of the notoriously smoky Triangle Tavern in South Philly a week after the big wet Green Dress Run, and a mere day after St. Patty’s.

 And there they went: after a yank of the short stubby one, Cleavage to Beaver and the S & M Man went out to lay trail.

 After they disappeared, we didn’t have a choice but to look at Mr. Snuffleupamuff (him, him, f*ck him!) standing there, a silly look on his face as he shushed the pack and very conspicuously walked in with the green satin BFM cape balled up and partly hidden behind his back. 

 And that’s when we all pepped up, eager to recount the chugging contest from Green Dress, that had left Mr. Snuffleupamuff in possession (or maybe he just stole it back from the person who originally had won it?) of the newest BFM “ohh shiny” symbol. 

 Trail beckoned, and out into the night we went, keeping all together around the South Philly/South Street/Bella Vista-ish areas entertaining all of the outdoor yuppie diners as we took turns blowing on the horn.

 Two Clump caught the hares (or was it one of the hares) and proceeded to assist with the laying.  After polishing off a few dozen pitchers at Manny Brown’s and accosting innocent patrons with overheard comments in the tone of “Aren’t they THAT running club? Remember that incident?” the pack proceeded back to Triangle for a circle:

 Hares: Cleavage to Beaver, S &M Man, Two Clump and Midnight Tranny to Georgia

 Auto Hashers: Up Her Ali, Big Tackle, Just Jason, Just Kelly, Broken Rod

 First in, Last in: He’s a Lesbian, MediStu

 Cums Latelies: Broken Rod, Twat of Darkness

 Accusations:

 Midnight Tranny and Two Clump Chump for not pansing/and or demanding an article of clothing upon catching the hares.

 Up Her Ali accused Big Tackle for looking dapper, or maybe it was for not wearing any Dapper Dan? I really need to write more timely trash.

 Announcements: Irrelevant now! 

 Overheard:

 C2B:

(Talking about her recent trip to the Georgia zoo)

‘I may have told people how I swam with the sharks…but the sharks are telling one another how they swam with me.”

On-on,

Mediocre and Stupid

And now some dirty golf trivia:

When is it considered acceptable hash behavior to double fist to make up for botching a hole?

 At the Inaugural Ben Franklin Mob Invitational Golf Tournament!

 Clad in their plaid and argyle finery, the mob set out from McGillins on a recent Thursday night with a goal to keep their pars low and their standards lower in the name of a golf-themed bar crawl.

 Who came: Two Clump Chump, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Grab My Handlebars, Just Jose, Slutty When Wet, Just Shannon, Bumble Beaver, Just Morgan, Just Danielle, Heave Ho, Little Fucking Winkie, Porn to Fail, Flounder, Cause for Blindness, Cleavage to Beaver, the S & M Man, Just the Brown Tip, Piss Cycle, Kevin’s Virgin, Just Mike, Where’s My Vagina, Just Tara, Just Jason

 Players were greeted with a very official-looking score card (thanks to the logistical geniuses of Grab My Handlebars and Midnight Tranny) which featured scores on the left hand side of the card and challenges on the right. I think I can speak for more than a handful of half minds when I say that since I never played a game of golf in my life, let alone know what a bogey is (hehe, looks like boogey!), I was pretty impressed. So were many a hasher when they crawled into the second bar (Oscars) and caught wind of the special: a “big beer” and a shot of tequila for under eight bucks. As Scooby Snatch would say, Yatzee!

 Things took a colorful turn when the pack crawled onward to Tavern on Carmac, set in the heart of the gayborhood. Since they weren’t serving food, grabbing a nosh was a no-go (required here to stay on par), so the pack dispersed, checking out the bar’s various nooks. Upstairs was a bumping club, downstairs a chill bar. Sandwiched in the middle is what can be best described as something of a mirrored cabaret, complete with Just Shannon belting out a Les Miserables song with the piano player. 

 Onward and upward the pack went to Good Dog, where there was a circle:

 Hare: Midnight Tranny to Georgia

 Virgins: Just Shannon, Just Jason, Just Tara, Just Morgan, Just Danielle

 Cums Latelies: Cleavage to Beaver, Little Fucking Winkie, Tickle My Elmo, Lick Hymen, Bumble Beaver

 Accusations: Porn to Fail accused Midnight Tranny for apparently knowing specifically where we were going next. As if we didn’t have a cheat sheet in our little hands!

 Speaking of hands, Two Clump Chump was accused of being mistaken for Michael Jackson on trail with his solo left-handed white glove. (But is he left-hand dominate all the time?)

 Two Clump accused Lick Hymen for being known by name by several patrons at the gay bar.

 Handlebars bestowed the Tiger Woods award to Bumble Beaver for brining the most bitches on trail with her.

 S &M Man accused Cause for Blindness for sticking her chesticles in the piano players face at the gay bar. I’m pretty sure afterward the whole bar accused the piano player of liking it.

 Best Dressed:

 Despite Where’s my Vagina’s AWESOMELY bad plaid pants (only in San Fran could you find trousers like that), and Cleavage to Beaver’s cleavage almost successful in marching free, it was the S &M Man took home the coveted strawberry-flavored Boone’s Farm for best dressed. His award-winning came complete with a kilt, a pom-pom  hat and not much else.

 Announcements: There’s stuff happening somewhere at sometime with some people. BFM Prom is June 10.

 PA Interhash is Sept. 17, 18, and 19 in PHILADELPHIA! 

 Overheard at the Hash:

Rando from Tavern on the Camac: “Can we officially call them bawdy and ridiculous?”

 “Well, OK.”

 Fun and Random Golf Trivia from the side of your scorecard, courtesy of Grab My Handlebars:

 –A “bump and run” describes when a ball is hit into the air towards a target and then “bumps” into the ground and “rolls” the rest of the way towards its target.

 –A”Foursome” is a form of stroke play. There is typically a competition where two competitors play as partners with one ball.

 –An “Out-to-in-blow” is another way of saying “Coming over the top” which describes the movement of the club as it travels through the downswing and into a right-to-left pathway across the ball. (For those of you who are right hand dominate.)

 –A “hosel” is the part of the clubhead which attaches to the shaft of the club. 

On-on,

Mediocre and Stupid