The first (and possibly first annual) BFM Graffiti hash kicked off at T.A. Flannery’s, and we all kind of stood around looking at blank, white shirts. I guess no one had enough booze in them yet.

Who Came: Midnight Tranny, Grab My Handlebars, Just Jose, S & M Man, Cleavage to Beaver, Mr. Muff, Seizure Tits, Porn to Fail, Cause for Blindness, Fire Down Under, STD, Big Tackle, Anal Pro Boner, Mediocre and Stupid, He’s a Lesbian, Where’s My Vagina, Heave Ho, Tube Cock, Skin Fiddle, Whiskey Dick, and me, Sloppy Ho.

The trail was a bit tricky at first and we went back and forth in front of Flannery’s a few times before finally heading south. It was a sign of things to come as we basically re-traced our steps over and over again en route to Callahan’s at the foot of what was once the South Street Bridge. The Mob finally seemed to be over their writers block and dirty words and pictures of penises were starting to appear on the back of people’s shirts.

After the beer check we ran to the sacrificial lamb in the middle of Fitler Square, where Anal Pro Boner had arranged little cups of ‘vodka flavored water.’ Not being ones to pass up hydration opportunities, the Mob drank them down…except for one. We gave this lone soldier to Orlando, a self-described senior citizen with an Eastern European accent, who happened to stumble upon us while walking his bulldog, Mush Mush, in the park. Orlando opted to sip his drink while proclaiming “Life is good in America!” I guess life is good for Mush Mush too, because he jumped up on Mediocre and Stupid, knocked her over, and started going to town! Orlando seized on the opportunity and started yelling “I need more vodka! My dog is losing his virginity!” We topped him off and took off for the On-In.

Circle: Everyone was so excited to be here!!!

Hares: Anal Pro Boner and Just Joel

This trail had a lot of things, but it didn’t have enough rain. Or enough stairs.

Virgins: Just Rob, who Heave Ho and WMV picked up at a happy hour the night before, Just Renee, Just Slater, Just M@ (seriously, that is how he was introducing himself), Just Andrea, and Just Mike.

Visitors: The guy from LVH3 who will forever be known as ‘Cupcake’

1st / Last: Dumpster and Bonsai Bush

Auto: I wrote Bonsai Bush, Mr. Muff, and 2 Clump, and then decided that this one was a social

Comes Latelys: Anal Pro Boner, Whiskey Dick, Mr. Muff, Seizure Tits, STD, Lesbian, Just Joel, Dumpster, and Cleavage to Beaver.

Accusations:

Fire Down Under and Porn to Fail for not wearing white shirts after being reminded no less than 1000 times

Just Renee for hash crashing within the first block of trail

Cause for soliciting sex from a goat?

He’s a Lesbian for wanting to violate Just Jose before shipping off to Afghanistan

Bonsai Bush for traveling to Delaware to get Stan tattoos

And then the time came to name Just Jose (take two). A story was told about him kicking a Philadelphia Weekly Box for no reason and “Box Knocker” was suggested. ‘No Lay Jose’ was thrown out because it is funny. I forget why ‘Num Nuts’ and ‘Dog with no Name’ were suggested…but they were. Cause was allowed to speak and suggested ‘Horses, Cape, and Guitar’ which resulted in her nomination ban being immediately re-imposed. Which brings us to the winning name…’Pen is in my ear, ‘based on a clever play on words** (get it?, think ‘Celebrity Jeapordy’) and the fact that Just Jose did, in fact, have two Sharpie pens hanging from the extra large holes in both of his ear lobes. Him, him…f*ck him!

Announcements:

PROM will be on June 10th. Start looking for that perfect dress and loose date now!

All the other announcements are now outdated.

On On,
Sloppy Ho

**Play on words names are my FAVORITE! At EWH3 we had this guy who peed on his girlfriend’s shoes while sleepwalking and we named him ‘Urine Trouble.’ One of my favorite names ever!

For me, this hash started around 3:30PM, when I got a call from Mayor Quimby. He was done with work and sitting on the sidewalk in front of Rear Engineer’s building. “Come over when you’re done with work…I have a 30 pack of Miller Lite, a lawn chair and I’m listening to the Phillies game!”

Fast forward to 7:45PM. I walk into Drinkers and overhear The Mayor asking Tranny “So tell me, what is the minimum number of beer checks that would be one more than the most the BFM has ever had on one trail?” followed by “I want this to be EPIC! I want people to hear the name Mayor Quimby and think EPIC!” The Mayor was a dozen beers in and ready to spread some fun! Here is who else joined in:

Bitchard, Cunting Season, Heave Ho, Just Ali, Second Cuming, Craigolicious, Rimmer, Two Clump, Sausage, Sleeps around the clock, Jingle Jizz, Tranny, Soft Core, Where’s My Vagina?, She Felt a Fish, Working Girl, Bonsai Bush, Post Anal Drip, Sticky Throttle, S&M Man, Festering Beanie Baby, Porn to Fail, Sloppy Ho, Quimby, Rear Engineer, Slutty When Wet (love that name!!!!), Gag Reflex, Just the Brown Tip, and Just Penny.

Mayor Quimby and I took off to lay the “most EPIC BFM trail of all time!” We headed across 95 and then down Columbus, through some parks, tried to lay a back check to throw you all off the trail, and then ended up at beer check #1, Makos. We were belly up to the bar ordering PBR and High Life’s (Mayor Quimby spared no expense for you!!) when we were approached by three dudes. They all started high fiving The Mayor (who had no clue who they were at first) and saying how great it was to see him. Turns out, they had been to a previous Bruce-a-palooza and were so happy to see the founder, live in the flesh. Mayor Quimby is truly a D list celebrity and a legend in his own mind.

With that we were off to Beer Check #2, Locust Bar. I was a little bummed that no one offered me coke in the bathroom this time as that is a fond memory I have of beer checks in the Locust Bar. We ordered WAAAAAAY too much beer, and Mayor Quimby was passing it out patrons like he was Robin Hood or something. Did the pack even finish all the beer? It took you quite a while to get to beer check #3…

Sugar Mom’s! We only bought a handful of PBR pounders here because we seemed to be losing people at each stop; like a successful Darwinian experiment only the tough drinkers were still in tow (or maybe a few of you were picked off by the three drunks in the last alley we ran you through, who knows).

There was talk of a fourth beer check at Lucy’s, but I was tired and had stopped believing in beer checks and started laying trail back to Drinkers. The Mayor started giving me a lecture about how I needed to have a good steak dinner so I would be more relaxed. He was speaking very loudly and going on and on about the benefits of a good steak…and then he threw a handful of flour in my face and took off into the oncoming traffic on Market Street.

Circle:  It goes without saying that everyone was excited to be here!!!!

Hares:  Mayor Quimby and Sloppy Ho

This trail had a lot of things, but it didn’t have enough beer checks!

Virgins: Boxcar Willy and Just Jason, Fez, Shane and Bill..a group of dudes from Alabama that we met at Makos.  I guess someone invited them back to Drinkers and they actually came.

Visitors: Just Penny from Hockessin. She showed us her sports bra…but come on give her a break her dad was there!

First in / Last In: Cunting Season and Cause. And holy sh*t Cunting Season won the chugging contest AGAIN! She has either been practicing at home of the rest of you are relly losing ground on your chugging skillz.  Add Cause to the list of people who should be ashamed to show their face at the BFM again (This list already includes He’s a Lesbian).

Comes Lately: too many of you and the RAs lost control of the circle anyway so I’m counting this one as a social.  Social!  Round the head…Who said head?

Accusations:

Gag Reflex for having a math joke on his shirt that took him two years to understand

Sloppy Ho because I stopped believing in beer checks (get it? This was actually really funny!)

Bitchard for not letting Just Penny show her boobs

At this point in the circle we all unanimously agreed that She Felt a Fish has a nice ass!

Working Girl for channeling Fruit of the Clue and wearing some hideously fluorescent shirt from 1984

Soft Core for NEW SHOES!! I’m sorry, but you are just a straight up idiot for doing this. 

The Just’s from Alabama violated everyone from south of the Mason Dixon line…and with that we stopped giving them our beer.

Bonsai Bush had a side-side

And with that we were all liquored up and headed upstairs for either more beer or pizza, but most of you probably had both.  This is America, after all.

On out,

Sloppy Ho (just an FYI I have returned to my normal state where I don’t stop believing in things)

Announcements:

April 22 is the BAR GOLF TOUR!  we will NOT be running so wear NORMAL CLOTHES.  You’ve been warned.

April 29 is the Graffiti Hash!  Wear a white t-shirt and bring a Sharpie or you will be very sad that you are missing out on all the fun. 

* Mayor Quimby funded these beer checks by himself, which was a very generous thing to do.  He was very excited to show us all a good time, so next time you see him let him know you appreciate his efforts! 

Well, I missed the start of this one since I fell for the April Fools joke. Well done, Tranny and S&M Man, well done! I leave you with this warning though:

"There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again."

Who showed up: Scooby Snatch, Tranny, S&M Man, Skin Fiddle, Soft Core Analyst, Just Jose, Two Clump, Porn to Fail, Mediocre and Stupid, Attila the Hung, Rear Engineer, Cause for Blindness, Bonsai Bush, Snap Off, Just the Brown Tip, Handelbars, Where’s my Vagina, Sly Fox, Flounder, Son of Goat F*cker, 3 balls, Big Tackle, Tube cock and Just Sloppy’s dad!

I missed the trail, but apparently it was one big idiot loop through South Philly, and unless you knew the landscape you would keep running and running and running the same trail over and over…kind of like the movie Groundhog’s Day (wrong holiday, but excellent idea nonetheless).

Circle:

Hares: Tranny and S&M Man

What did we think of this trail? Not enough circle jerks!

First in / Last in: There was a big debate over this, and the crown switched people several times, but I think we settled on Clump Clump and Cause

Autohashers: Soft Core, Handlebars, Skin Fiddle, Just Jose, Sloppy Ho and Just Sloppy’s dad

(it was at this point that Just Jose drank for wearing a hat in the circle. Then, immediately following this he had to drink for it again. Take your hat off, dude!)

Comes Lately: Sly Fox, Attila the Hung, Flounder, Just the Brown Tip

Accusations:

Snap Off: For hash crashing while doing ballet? I think the word “Tchaikovsky” was used.

Two Clump: For not admitting he knew the pack was running the same loop again and leading them into a second lap

Son of Goat F*cker: For running off with Two Clump

Attila the Hung: For getting married

Tube Cock: For wearing a full body wetsuit, complete with flipper things on his feet.  He went on to proclaim "The only thing that doesn’t hurt are my nipples!"

Snap Off: For paying her hash cash in dimes.

Announcements:

Soft Core is haring Philly this weekend.  Check out http://www.phillyhash.com/ for details.

Grafitti hash will be on April 29th!  Wear a white shirt and bring a sharpie marker! 

And with that, circle was closed and we all went out into the flash mob.  Just kidding!  Or am I?

So there we were. At Bonners. Preparing to kick off an epic Philadelphia hashing weekend. I’ve been gone for a bit so there are some people whose names I don’t really know yet, but here is my best guess at who showed up:

Cleavage to Beaver, S&M Man, Bonsai Bush, Grab my Handlebars, One night Only, Lick Hymen, Soft Core Analyist, Clump Clump, Rear Engineer, Scooby, FDU, Chernoblow, Post Anal Drip, Heave Ho, Tastes like Chicken, Where’s my Vagina?, Lesbian, Mediocre and Stupid, Tranny, Big Tackle, Muff, Elmo, Working girl, Cunting Season, Three girls from Villanova, Two guys who know the three girls from Villanova, Porn to Fail, Rash, Holy Fuck, Sausage, Rimmer, Skin Fiddle and yours truly. Whew.

A very festively dressed S&M Man called us out for Chalk Talk. An equally festive Two Clump explained the marks he used for the trail he had already laid. They seemed normal enough, until he pointed to an interstate on / off ramp clover-leaf looking thing. This was an “Irish surprise,” where the marks were kept a secret and we would have to find them on our own. In the dark. Now, I admire Two Clump for putting the effort in to try new things, but there was no way this was going to end well. No one else seemed worried though so chalk talk continued…

Virgins:
• Just Neals (?), the three girls from Villanova made him come.
• Just Michelle, He’s a Lesbian made her come
• Just Brian and Just Steve, She Felt a Fish (?) made them come

Visitors:
• Goat Fucker, Father to Son of Goat Fucker, from Connecticut
• Rear End Loader, who was wearing a shirt so no one recognized him, from EWH3
• Bow Chicka Bow Bow, from EWH3

And we were off! This trail started out brilliantly, with over half of you running the idiot loop around Bonners and ending up right back where you started. Well Done! After that, it was pretty much a straight line from Bonners to Drexel, including a jaunt through 30th Street Station. A few blocks later I saw Bow Chicka Bow Bow running the wrong way. I heard him say “I have to go back and take a dump” and he was never seen on trail again.

Once we hit the Drexel campus we changed directions and headed north through that park up there with the most amazing view of the city. The night was so beautiful and the view was so spectacular and everyone was in a good mood and then…we hit the “Irish surprise” at the Spring Garden Bridge. It was dark and we had no idea what we are looking for, but we knew it has to be “Irish.” Well, nothing says Irish to me quite like a handful of gummy worms thrown amidst the usual amounts of trash on the sidewalk, and after a 10 minute clusterf*ck we decided that this must be Irish enough and headed across the bridge.

On the East side of the river trail marks magically became normal again and we found our way to the bike path, close to “the house where the little man lives.” (shout out to Anal Pro Boner…Heeeeyyyyyy oooohhhhh!). From there Lick Hymen was directing traffic across the grass and into the beer check. Here we learned that the gummy worms were really snakes, and they were the snakes that Two Clump has driven out of West Philly, making them Irish. Fair enough! We also learned of a tragic story involving two new BFMers. Apparently, one of them had found a dime bag on the Chestnut Street Bridge and he did what anyone would have done; he picked it up and gave it to his buddy for safe keeping. Well, his buddy goes and LOSES said dime bag. Time to start screening your friends better.

With that, we pretty much ran straight back to the bar (sorry, Two Clump) and the Bonners extravaganza began!

Circle

Hares: Two Clump O’Chump
This trail had a lot of things, but it didn’t have enough “creepy guys in the woods’ and ‘gummy worms.’

First In/Last In: Good question! I didn’t write it down. My best guess is Son of Goat Fucker and Cause, but she wasn’t even there.

Cums Latelys: Tastes like Chicken, Lick Hymen, Skin Fiddle, Lesbian, and Working Girl

Autohashers: Again, you raise an interesting question that I don’t have an answer for.

Visitors
• Goat Fucker, Connecticut, showed off his third trimester belly
• Rear End Loader, EWH3, sang a song about baboons and butt fucking.  I will live a full life never hearing this one again!
• Bow Chicka Bow Bow, who had returned from taking a dump, dropped trow and showed us all his ass.

Accusations
You people are crazy. I like you, but you’re crazy. Here we go…

S&M Man for singing a song about napalm

Mediocre and Stupid for having a rule about “not on my face”

Cunting Season and Heave Ho racing to not be last in.

Lesbian and Porn to Fail for not knowing when the hell to stop replying to dead e-mail chains.

Somewhere amongst these accusations two significant events took place. First, Rear End Loader had the audacity to ask for a smaller down down beer. Really? Second, Cunting Season chugged her beer faster than someone for possibly the first time ever. Lesbian, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Post Anal Drip for having a wallet full of singles and phone numbers.

Where’s My Vagina for numbering her shoes?

Rear End Loader, for not only bringing cologne to a hash, but for applying it before circle. At Bonners.

S&M Man, for mooning Elmo and scratching his balls? Not sure what this is about but I have a lot of questions…

One night Only is leaving us…so we sang her a song. Good Luck to you!

Holy Fuck and Taste Like Chicken have lived another year and completed another side side.

Announcements

This trash is so late none of them are relevant anymore. Even the one about Cousin It’s tailgate party.

Overheard at the Hash

Lick Hymen: “Make me happy!”
Answers: “Again?” and “Bend over!”

There are some times when you just know that the hash is a warm and fuzzy place, like that place where everybody knows your name (and you don’t get offended when they call you “c*ck” or “hoe” or “cunt”). For me, this was one of those nights – I think there are hash bars that we each feel fondly about – maybe the site of your first hash, or where you got named, or where you made out with a hot hasher in the corner that you didn’t regret – and, a week away from my hashiversary, I know that Sugar Mom’s is one of those bars for me. 

So my finger elephant and I (ok, mine wasn’t nearly that elaborate but you gotta find something to do while babysitting prior to a hash) headed to the land of PBR and coloring books at Sugar Mom’s to find Goes Down Often, Target, Porn to Fail, Seize’er TiTs, Whiskey D*ck, Just Jose, Tube C*ck, Softcore Analist, Son of Goatf*ucker, Big Tackle, The S & M Man, One Night Only, Cause for Blindness, Flounder, Slutty When Wet, Just the Brown Tip, Fire Down Under, Mr. Snufflupamuff, Two Clump Chump, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, ChernoBlow, Queef, Cunting Season, SubCuntinent, Scooby Snatch, Sleeps Around the C*ck, Fiber OpD*ck – with He’s a Lesbian, Just Dan and Shefelta Fish arrived later.

With toys on the table and coloring books abound, the mob was off after Sleeps Around the C*ck grabbed the short straw and wrangled Big Tackle into co-haring. The Mob stuck around with PBR pounders in hand, down-downed the cans, and headed out into the cold. The hares did well to stay out of the danger zone and Midnight Tranny’s arrest record was safe for another night.  And jut around the corner from Chez Cleavage to Beaver and S & M Man, the DFL half of the mob hung back to make sure Target was alright after a bit of a hash crash. In addition to the coloring books (always a good choice), this was a warm fuzzy. It’s nice to know that the mob takes care of their own. And once the mob was back on the road, back to Sugar Mom’s we went.

Circle

Hares: Sleeps Around the C*ck and Big Tackle

First In/Last In: 2 Clump Chump, One Night Only and Porn to Fail

Cums Latelys: He’s a Lesbian, Cunting Season, SubCuntinent, and Queef

Autohashers: Mr. Snufflupamuff, Fiber OpD*ck, He’s a Lesbian, Just Dan and Shefelta Fish

Accusations

For trying to Accuse Tube C*ck of having a hand in Canada’s ass-clenching win over the US in (their sport) Hockey when the Olympics are over (false accusation): Just Jose

For trying to Accuse Seize’er TiTs if coloring before Circle (acceptable hash behavior): Tube C*ck

For doing a Dancin’ Fool impression on trail and dumpster diving for an empty picture frame: One Night Only

For trying to lead the mob to back to Sugar Mom’s for a beer check: Goes Down Often

For trying to glue back together a broken rubber: Goes Down Often

For being a voyeur and autohashing and being overall creepy for being We’re Not Voting’s non-virgin: Just Dan

(which was followed by the fast version of “Someone’s in my Sister’s Vagina”)

For having bruises on his legs that didn’t come from a hash crash: Tube C*ck

(and somehow the R*cists didn’t drink…Hmmm, funny how an RA was to drink and it mysteriously got skipped)

For pumping his arm like he was starting a lawn mower for “Someone’s in my Sister’s Vagina”: Mr. Snufflupamuff

For once again talking about butt sex on trail, in the form of anal beads: The S & M Man

Announcements

Midnight Tranny wanted to make sure we were aware of the Green Dress run…this Saturday, 3/13…$35…sh*t ton of beer…men in dresses…hot.

After buying way too much beer, Mr. Snufflupamuff let us know that we needed to drink up!

The S & M Man wants to send his love and kisses (and hash herp) to One Inch In for a swift recovery for his shoulder surgery.

And apparently, Scooby is a golden god who likes boobies – go figure.

Overheard at the Hash

Goes Down Often (to Seize’er TiTs): “You wanna do me next??”

ChernoBlow: “I like my stool!”

Tube C*ck (probably of Bonsai Bush): “She uses her throat, not her lungs…”

After circle, much fun was had by all – with PBR pounders, tater tots, and crayons? Who couldn’t have a rockin’ time. Warm fuzzies turned into mostly joking, groping, and much drunkenness, so it was clear that the night was coming to a close. Green dress pre-lube, here we come!

On-on,

Grab My Handlebars

On a recent blustery evening the mob gathered at Gallagher’s to indulge in general hash debauchery, and hopefully some after- hours fun once they got word from the SnOMG’s that they didn’t have to report to work on Friday.

Who came: Just the Brown Tip, Slutty When Wet, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Grab My Handlebars, Scooby Snatch, Fire Down Under, Seiz‘er TITs, Mr. Snuffupamuff, Porn to Fail, One Inch In, Bonzai Bush, Cleavage To Beaver, S&M Man, Deep Discunt, Mayor Quimby, Shefelta fish, Where’s My Vagina, Just Emily, One Night Only, Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, Nappy Headed Ho, Sleeps Around the C*ck, Mediocre and Stupid, Cause for Blindness, Flounder, Rear Engineer, Just Snap Off, Tube C*ck, Two Clump Chump, and Soft Core Analyist 

Upon rolling into the bar that is at the base of this giant apartment building I found myself pondering many a hash relevant thought: How does this place afford to stay open when there aren’t four dozen thirsty hashers here?  Aside from the draw of beer pong (or beirut for those of you pushing 32) I highly doubt that I would this place to be a happening place on any other night. And considering it within stumbling distance of my apartment, it’s now officially on my Philly bucket list.

Anyway, back to the task in my hand: after a quick draw of the straw, Just the Brown Tip and I set out to attempt to lay trail — attempt being the operative word here, because suddenly, the wind had decided to wage an all-out sideways assault on anyone and anything who decided it would be necessary to remain vertical. 

Not deterred by the bluster, JTBT enthusiastically declared that it was her virgin lay after nine years of hashing with assorted kennels. Hot dog! Excited to be the only co-hare to pop her trail-laying cherry we sprang off towards the Art Museum.  From there, trail wound upward to a false at the fourth landing of the steps, and split down around the rear, crossed Pennsylvania to meet up with Green Street. Once on Green, we separated; I continue south to Trash Garden Street to set the beer check, and JTBT headed north to her nearby casa to set another false. 

What happens next will likely make BFM history, or at the very least be a mainstay in every chalk talk from now until Cause for Blindness stops demanding that we arrow the checks for walkers:

 JTBT, in all of her fabulous virgin-laying glory, got caught up in the heat of the moment and laid an “FBC.” This evidently incited such uproarious pandemonium, you would have thought someone had threatened to julienne Stan 3.0 into 834 pieces and bake her into this cake.

“Fucking back check?”

 ”False back check?”

“Follow boy checking…?”

 These were some of the very uneducated guesses made as the pack fumbled and second-guessed themselves whilst tiny pieces of acid rain turned snow continued to make it’s way up their exposed orifices.  I mean, come on people! When a slightly confusing trail mark diverges on a yellow piss-covered Philly street, don’t be the lone hasher and long stand. Go to the last mark. And remember, such trail misadventures is how some our best and brightest have gotten named (ahem Two Clump Chump and Short Distance Rimmer.)

 Finally, someone with half a half-mind realized that Midnight Tranny to Georgia knew where the beer check followed him in, which was soon followed by the on-in, at which point there was circle:

Hares:

Mediocre and Stupid and Just the Brown Tip

 First In/Last In:

 Snap Off, Cause for Blindness

 Virgin:

 Just Emily, compliments of Where’s My Vagina

Cums Latelies:

Sleeps Around the Cock, Short Distance Rimmer, Hold the Sausage, Nappy Headed Ho

 Auto Hashers:

One Inch In, Deep Discunt, Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, Grab My Handlebars, and Grab My Handlebar’s mom, Seiz ‘er TITs, Mr. Muff

 Accusations:

 Tube C*ck for being Canadian and not curling

 Mayor Quimby for having a love child who may or may not be a whore (re: Stan!)

 Mr. Snuffleupamuff for not knowing the difference between a hole and an asshole?

 Snap Off, for saying something indecipherable in Russian

 Just Emily for being a racist

 Did we mention Tube C*ck drank for being Canadian?

 Mediorcre and Stupid for various acts of stupidity 

 Seiz ‘er TITS for not giving Facebook it’s normal nightly dose of loving

Then, several strapping young men where summoned into circle to assist Where’s My Vagina for her birthday side-side.

Announcements: 

Thursday, March 11, Green Dress Pre-lube at Bonners. Be there or commit social suicide. 

Friday, March 12 there’s a full moon in West Philly. Check your email because I’m too lazy to reference it here. 

 The Green Dress Run on Saturday, March 13, at Vesuvio’s at 8^th and Fitzwater. Bring $35, your drinking faces and your best green dress get-up! Check out the link… http://www.phillyhash.com/greendress/greendress.html.

On-on,

Mediocre and Stupid

So here you wankers were (half) thinking, “Oh yea, that new Mismanagement is going to be together and on-time,” and so on and so forth – but sadly, that was a rumor spread by Midnight Tranny to Georgia because s/he’s on top of things and the rest of us aren’t…

Upon arriving at TA Flannery’s, Butch greeted most of us warmly into to one of our standard hash bars. Above the bar was proudly displayed a signed picture of “The Office” cast, including Butch’s sister, who plays Meredith. We had our own cast of rejects, including Whisky D*ck, Where’s My Vagina?, Flounder, Cause for Blindness, Softcore Analist, Slutty When Wet, Clump Clump Chump, The S & M Man, Scammin’ Old Ladies, Son of Goatf*cker, Bonsai Bush, (a rather relieved looking) Rear Engineer, Mayor Quimby, Sternum and Rectum, ChernoBlow, Just Jose, Hold the Sausage, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Sleeps Around the C*ck, Porn to Fail, Short Distance Rimmer, Tube C*ck, One Night Only, Sloppy Ho, Scooby Snatch, Fire Down Under, Just Beth, Just Amy, Just Tim – with Fiber Opd*ck, Cleavage to Beaver, Virgin Pimp, Just the Brown Tip, Target, Shefelta Fish and Mr. Snuffleupamuff arriving late for curtain call.

The night was cold and windy, and almost two-week-old snow was melting into ice. Chalk talk was neither short nor sweet enough in the frigid weather. New RAs Bonsai Bush and The S & M Man got a silver star each for what could have been faster and funnier, but Midnight Tranny got a demerit for light blue (= invisible) chalk. This made for quite a trail – or at least that’s what I’m told.  I, as a new and eager On-Sec, was at the bar waiting patiently to record First and Last in (really, I was).

The mob returned to the bar triumphantly, with the hare fully with-pants, so clearly something went wrong. So triumphant, in fact, that we scared away the other patrons in the bar, though Butch didn’t seem to mind. And so we circled, starting with something about Bonsai Bush and a ‘cheat sheet gag’ – not sure what that’s about but it sounds like Tube C*ck is a lucky man…

Circle

Hares: Tube C*ck and Snap Off 

First/Last In: Son of Goatf*cker and One Night Only (you decide which is which)

Virgins: Just Beth and Just Amy…On a side note, the not only changed their story about who made them cum (First someone name Just Jujean, then each other – which I guess is acceptable hash behavior) but it came out that they weren’t actually Virgins at all!  In addition to the nonvirgins, Just Tim came ala Midnight Tranny. 

Cums Latelys: Mayor Quimby and Fiber Opd*ck

Autohashers: Cleavage to Beaver, Just Jose, ‘Handlebars, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Virgin Pimp, Short Distance Rimmer, Just the Brown Tip, Sternum and Rectum, Fiber Opd*ck, and Hold the Sausage.

Accusations

For dressing up like a lightbulb (what kind of light bulb is in red and black spandex??): Just Amy

…and Just Beth and Just Tim for ‘When One Virgin Drinks’

For (invisible) light blue flour: Midnight Tranny

For being a Canadian who lived in Delaware, the state of Joe Biden, whose motorcade recently held up the Olympics (or something): Tube C*ck

…and Hold the Sausage and Bonsai Bush for trying to make an overly complex accusation, when you should just say he’s Canadian and that’s enough for him to drink.

…and S & M Man for ‘When One RA Drinks’

For trying to spend some quality time with Two Clump Chump in the bathroom: Rear Engineer

For trying to Accuse Cause for Blindness of being a Racist (really?): Flounder

For trying to Accuse Son of Goat F*cker for stripping in Circle (acceptable hash behavior): Snap Off

For being an over-achieving-ass-clown due to her recent home ownership: Sloppy Ho

…and ‘Handlebars  for ‘When One On-Sec Drinks’ 

For not knowing that men should not wear UGGs (ever), by asking, “Were those dress UGGs?”: Fiber Opd*ck

For ‘tech on trail’ (cell phone), indicating shed be too busy to make Saturday plans because she’s now devoted to hashing as a life pursuit: Just Amy

For wearing a girl’s beanie but not being able to fill the ponytail hole: Softcore Analist

For giving up (our newly renamed) Seize’er TiTs for Lent: Mr. Snuffleupamuff

For some sort of ‘tech on trail’: Midnight Tranny

…and Hold the Sausage and The S&M Man for ‘When One GM Drinks’

For something about confusing plain old Ham for Canadian Bacon and generally being Canadian: Tube C*ck

For handing her On-Sec pad to Just Jose for a trip to the bathroom (Hey, you accuse the On-Sec, you suffer the consequences of ‘creative interpretation’ in MY trash. Ha.): Grab My Handlebars

For something that’s either ‘Pottery Class’ or ‘Potty Closet’ (see what happens when the On-Sec does too many Down-Down’s??): Where’s My Vagina?

…and Porn to Fail for a misaccusation having to do with pottery or potty, or just talking too much in circle.

For laying too much of a 2 Clump Trail: Tube C*ck and Snap Off

For being vegetarian and making a ‘Bacon’ accusation: Hold the Sausage

For trying too hard to be a balls model with overly revealing (and quite flattering) tights: Scooby Snatch

For being Canadian, and that’s enough: Tube C*ck

For something about Winky’s sister’s vagina: Scooby Snatch

…and Mayor Quimby for a bad (and hard to remember) accusation

Announcements

Scooby Snatch said something about treating the mob to a Phillies tailgate in July 2010 – yay!

Hold the Sausage invited all half-minds willing and interested to a PFMH3 (Full Moon) hash coming up Friday, February 26^th, 2010

PA Innerhash sent Porn to Fail to let us know it would descend upon the city of Philadelphia September 17^th through 19^th, 2010

Where’s My Vagina? offered more info about 2010 Bay to Breakers in San Francisco this May 2010

Green dress is Cumming!! Midnight Tranny wanted to let us know that March 13^th 2010 will be the BFM’s Pre-Lube kick-off to a great weekend.

So in the end, we can blame the UK for The Office (at least the original) but for everything other than that, just   blame Canada (or its spawn, Canadians)!

(and you thought there would be any fun links…)

On-On,

Grab My Handlebars

Well, tonight was the most important night of the year at the Ben Franklin Mob. Yes, even more important than Prom and even more important than the night you backed that harriette who’d had one shot too many into a dark corner for a cheap feel: it was the AGM! (Annual General Meeting, for those who haven’t been paying attention.) The night where we forcibly wrest the reins of power away from the people who have proved themselves to be woefully incompetent and hand them off to other wankers of questionable competence who have either bribed or slept their way to power. If you weren’t there this evening, I want to extend my personal wishes that your dysentery clears up soon, because I can’t imagine any other reason that you would not have shown up to this.

Tonight brought out a whole host of BFMers, including some founding members we haven’t seen in a while because they went off and became responsible adults. They were: Bastard Child, Beers Sucks, Can You Hear Me Now?, Cause for Blindness, C*nting Season, Sly Fox, Scooby Snatch, The Rash, Up Her Ali, Hold the Sausage, Little Red Riding Wood, Dry Hump, Three Balls, Big Tackle, Son of Goat F*cker, Flounder, Two Clump Chump, Sleeps Around the C*ck, Fire Down Under, S&M Man, Cleavage to Beaver, Shefelta Fish, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Porn to Fail, Just Jose, Grab My Handlebars, Mediocre & Stupid, Tube C*ck, Bonsai Bush, Reginal Discharge, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, One Night Only, Rear Engineer, Rear Engineer’s Mustache, Where’s My Vagina, Goes Down Often, Post Anal Drip, Swollen C*ckpit, One Inch in, Deep Discunt, Short Distance Rimmer, Slutty When Wet, and Just Joanna.

The Mob milled around  Wooly Mammoth’s upstairs room before the hash, drinking beer and casting the occasional longing eye toward the tantalizing set up of chafing dishes at the far end of the room. "Food?" they asked, pleadingly. Hashers kept turning around quick and looking at the table hopefully, as if food had somehow sneaked in behind them as a surprise. "Food…now?" No, you impatient whiners. Trail first, then food. Sighing deeply and casting one last lingering glance at where they thought food might appear, the Mob trudged out into the snow for chalk talk, and to find the trail set as Rear Engineer’s final act of Phallocentric Tyranny.

Well, most of the Mob, anyway. The ancien régime of the BFM sensibly stayed at the bar where it wasn’t covered with ice and snow and caught up with each other. It was during this conversation that we discovered that even the combination of marriage and fatherhood has not changed Bastard Child in the least. According to his very patient wife Beer Sucks, he will still throw devil horns during church if so moved and sees absolutely nothing wrong with refering to his daughter as “carry-on luggage.” (This last bit I actually see nothing wrong with because I’ve been lobbying for all children ages 2 to 7 to be stowed in the overhead compartment.) You young whippersnappers who went out on trail, well I have no idea where you went. You were supposed to end up at Franklin Park, where Rear Engineer and Dry Hump had set up strategic stockpiles of snowballs with which to bombard you as inspired by this scene from The Patriot and apparently yinz decided to do something else. Perhaps a beer check? Maybe took in a movie? Got some grocery shopping done? No idea. At any rate, the Mob slowly trickled back to the bar and were ecstatic to find that food– which was for once not sad pasta and various lumps drenched in tomato sauce, but rather tasty little chicken, hamburger, and cheesy things– had appeared in their absence and thence proceeded to descend upon the spread like that scene in Gone With the Wind where Scarlett wolfs down the last radish in the garden then swears that as God as her witness she’ll never be hungry again.

Finally sated, circle began, easily the longest circle I’ve ever been a party to. It was like the extended dance remix of circles. Ridiculous. Plus, people wholly unrelated to the accusation kept leaping in the circle to drink. Bah. I only wrote down the interesting bits, so here you go:

Circle (Paul Oakenfold Extended Dance Remix)

Visitors (I guess since they live in Houston now): Bastard Child, who told a heartwarming joke about a man’s wife dying which earned him a boot to the groin (some things never change), and Beers Sucks who had to be reminded of a hash song to sing.

Hares: Rear Engineer, Rear Engineer’s Mustache

First In/Last In: Cause for Blindness, Midnight Tranny, Up Her Ali, and under the When One GM Drinks rule, the other 15 GMs in the room.

Comes Latelies: Dry Hump, Bastard Child, Beers Sucks, Three Balls, Can You Hear Me Now?, Little Red Riding Wood

Autohashers: Big Tackle, Deep Discunt, Bastard Child, Beers Sucks, Can You Hear Me Now, Little Red Riding Wood, Cunting Season, The Rash, Piss Cycle

Accusations (Get Comfortable This Will Take While 12" mix):

For not showering for a week: Mr. Snuffleupamuff

Primping on trail: Slutty When Wet

For running a sex blog: Goes Down Often (Scooby Snatch accused her of this, but called her Fire Down Under by accident, which earned him a kick to the nards and a down-down.)

For being around for BFM #1: Bastard Child, Beers Sucks, Cause for Blindness, Can You Hear Me Now?

(It’s interesting to note at this point, that Beer Sucks had been handing off her down-downs this whole time and Bastard Child was drinking for two.)

For drinking for two: Bastard Child

For asking to be accused: Two Clump Chump

For enthusiastically discussing non-sexual medical procedures: Hold the Sausage, S&M Man

All Current and former BFM GMs: The Rash, Cunting Season, Hold the Sausage, Up Her Ali, Rear Engineer

Goes Down Often for referring to Grab My Handlebars in print as "Hold My Handlebars." I’d just like to point out that this is minor, considering that once everyone has enough beers, they slur the “Grab My” so it sounds like “Grandma Handlebars.” Do with that what you will.

For not one but two hash crashes: Tube C*ck

For trying to make an accusation: Cause for Blindness

For naming an EWH3 hasher: Two Clump Chump

Mediocre & Stupid was accused of a whole bunch of things, but the only notable bit about that is that she had to do one down-down for being Mediocre, then a second one for being Stupid

Finally, the circle ended abruptly when Scooby unwisely attempted to make C*nting Season do a down down she didn’t want to do.

Awards (Instrumental Mix):

I personally wanted to give some random hasher a Witless Solipsism award, but that would’ve required the award to consist of a dictionary so that they could look up the word "solipsism." And also "witless." And "dictionary." And "word." But that seemed needlessly complicated, so here are the actual awards as compiled by Mismanagement:

Best Trail: 300th, as laid by Rear Engineer, Tube C*ck, Cleavage to Beaver, Cunting Season, Hold the Sausage, and S&M Man

Worst Trail: #261 laid by Jingle Balls and Fire Thighs, which was during the World Series. Only 15 people showed up, none of whom found the beer check.

Excellence in Hashing Award: For losing Stan, losing the Flabongo twice, and drinking out of no less than 6 pairs of new shoes, Mediocre & Stupid

The Little F*ckin Winkie Memorial Award for Dating the Most Girls in the Hash: Wresting this title away from 3-time winner Scooby Snatch, it was Two Clump Chump

The Drinking Special Olympics Award, or the "Up-Up": Scooby Snatch and Mr. Snuffleupamuff for their inspired boot-and-rally at the 300th.

Best Beer Near: Where’s My Vagina and Cleavage to Beaver, for being 10′ feet apart.

The Oo! Shiny! Award for abandoning the hash for a boyfriend: Goes Down Often

The Most Inappropriate Award: Goes Down Often for saying something so inappropriate that she couldn’t repeat it and I can’t even write it down.

Most Times as Hare: Two Clump Chump

All the winners were then invited to drink in the circle, and Rear will get them their awards from the Dollar Store once the snow melts, sometime around July.

Announcements (Phillies Tailgate Hooha remix)

There will be NO Phillies tailgate this August OR this July, as Cousin It is leaving town to become a Carmelite nun at a small convent in Moosejaw, Saskatchewan. Be sure to congratulate novice Sister Bernadette when you see him.

Namings and Renamings (DJ Ming & FS Drum N’ Base Mix)

Just Joanna: Because she went to Virginia Tech where apparently there is nothing to do for fun but cow-tipping, she was to be named "Just the Cow Tip." (I preferred "Porking at the Car Wash", but no one listens to me.) However, our illustrious GM was feeling the effects of all the "When ONE GM Drinks" down-downs, because he accidentally named her "Just the Brown Tip." Heh. Well, congrats, YFF, you’ve at least got a good story to tell.

Reginal Discharge: Originally, Reginal’s voted-upon name was deemed too offensive, even for the hash. Since that time, it’s has been decided that nothing is too offensive, and she was officially and properly renamed: Seize’er Tits (Or Seizure Tits, or Caesar Tits.You decide.)

E’rections (Old & Busted vs New Hotness mix)

Yes! New people who you can bitch to! The election was handily run by the efficient C*nting Season, and here are the results:
Haberdasher
Mr. Snuffleupamuff

Hash Cash
Where’s My Vagina
Mr. Snuffleupamuff

On Secs
Grab My Handlebars
Sloppy Ho
Mediocre and Stupid

RAs
S&M Man
Bonsai Bush

GM
Midnight Tranny to Georgia

This has been my last BFM hash trash probably ever, since I’ve written them for longer than many of you have been legal to drink. Or have been out of high school (…Just Tristan, I’m looking at you).  And so, in the immortal words of Groucho Marx, “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it."

On On,
The Rash

Ladies and gentlemen of the BFM, I have good news and bad news. The good news: This will be your last trash from this foursome of phallocentric, tyrannical on-secs. The bad news: I’m writing it.

I know you’re confused right now. I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself, Self, I like GDO’s writing so much; how could this ever be a bad thing? I’ll tell you how. I didn’t take any notes, and not because I was too drunk–though I WAS too drunk. I didn’t write anything because I couldn’t hold a pen (insert Holding-A-Penis joke here), so I made mental notes instead. Then, to make sure I got everything completely accurate, I waited a week to come up with the trash. So keep in mind as you read that this is all absolutely factual, and without a doubt the way things went down.

Let me set the scene for you. We started our night off at Drinker’s West because our phallus-obsessed leader decided we should go to the most sausage-filled bar in town. Good news for the ladies—just ask Hold My Handlebars—but bad news for the boys.

To escape all the hot, college-aged men, 2 Clump and Rear Engineer offered to lay trail. I wasn’t there when this happened, but I imagine they left holding hands, skipping out the door, reminiscing about their younger years. Apparently they also managed to throw some flour, because about half an hour later the pack came back, without losing anyone to the lure of Sternum and Rectum’s lair. (That’s always a danger when you’re in West Philly.)

Here’s who probably showed up: Big Tackle, Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, Rear Engineer, the Rash, Snap Off, Scooby Snatch, Two Clump Chump, Swollen Cockpit, Fire Down Under, Slutty When Wet, Just Joanna, Just Shannon, Dancing Fool, One Night Only, Whiskey Dick, One Inch In, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Sleeps Around the Cock, Just Jose, Grab My Handlebars, Goes Down Often, Big Tackle, Cunting Season, Where’s My Vagina, One Inch In, Deep Discunt, Tickle My Elmo, Mr, Snuffleupamuff, Tube C*ck, Twat of Darkness, and lots and lots of virgins! Just Chris, Just Adam, Just Christian, Just Carrie, and Just Heather.

(Yes, I copied that from an old trash.)

At this point the decree went out that the tribe should move across the land to Cavanaugh’s. Disappointed to leave 50-cent Miller High Lifes, there was much grumbling, but the promise of Sausage’s last circle was hard to deny. So we went down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down to the basement where we had circle:

Hares: 2 Clump, Rear Engineer
Virgins: There was one, but we popped it good
Visitors: Porn to Fail—he tried to whip out his fun horn, but instead of offending the ever-young Bonsai Bush, he sang a song. Or told a joke. I forget. I just know I didn’t see any peen.
FRB/DFL: Uh…I’m guessing it was Snap Off and Cause for Blindness, cuz it’s always those two
Comes Lately: Wizard of Ass, Stan, Fefe, Little Fucking Winkie and Cousin It.
Autohashers: Handlebars, Sleeps Around the Cock, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Elmo, Goes Down Often

Accusations:
For breaking the sound barrier: Cleavage to Beaver
For having a devil’s threesome: 2 Clump and Mr. Muff
For trying to turn on the hash by pouring beer on her chest decorations: Bonsai Bush
For trying to get Bonsai’s chest decorations wet: 2 Clump
For making up excuses that he can’t run: One Inch In
For making us come to West Philly: Rear Engineer

Yes, I just made most of that up.

Afterward we drank a ridiculous amount of beer, word went out that we had a naming. That’s right, Just Karen finally earned her wings. After months of hearing about her banging and not banging with people with broken ribs, we decided it was time to give this girl something to hold on to—and no, it wasn’t One Inch’s broken shoulder. We put her on her knees, told her to cup the balls and hold on tight. There were stories about farm animals (she likes sheep), her work (fish researcher?), and her favorite sexual position (on a bar). We took all that, threw it in a blender, hit frappe and came up with Shefelta Fish.

At this point, people were getting sober, so we flitted back and forth between Drinkers and the bar upstairs, and finished voting. If you want to know who will be taking over for mismanagement in 2010, you’ll have to show up tonight at Wooly Mammoth’s. Remember, it’s the AGM, so you’ll need some cash, and a sense of humor. Chances are you’re getting an award and you probably won’t like it. Such is life. And if you have a problem with it, earn yourself a spot on mismanagement next time and give out the awards your own damn self.

On on!

Goes Down Often