Ahh, 2004, the good ole days, when George Bush was going to retake the Presidency, a war in Iraq was going to Hell in a hand basket, the Taliban were just starting to realize that there really weren’t that many troops in Afghanistan, Osama Bin Laden was settling into his digs in Pakistan, and in the sleepy town of Philadelphia a momentous decision was being made. Back then some hashers, Little Fuckin Winkey, his girlfriend Rash, Sarah Cunter, Spankin Private Ryan, Wolfman Jackoff, and Sly Fox thought, Wouldn’t it be a nice idea for a Philadelphia hash to actually hash IN Philly?

Logistics were ironed out, names were tossed around, Liberty Bell, Philly, and Full Moon were all taken, then someone remembered that some balding transplant with a knack of sticking his fingers in inventions, printing presses, and several local women, had made the city famous. An obscure quote, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy” was dug up and mistakenly attributed to him, and voila, the very first naming of the Ben Franklin Mob occurred.

On Feb 26th, 2004, the day we relaxed travel restrictions to Lybia and the Macedonian president died in a plane crash, the first hash occurred at Paddy Wacks on Race Street, a hole in the wall pub which usually, and a previously unknown former DA, Can You Hear Me Now became the hare. He drew the short straw and led the hash on a merry little trip throughout olde city. And they returned to the bar to slam beers in actual PINTS.
Throughout the next seven years, the BFM outlived a few other hashes, and began to grow in size, Its members included, the homeless, the sick, the lame, doctors who refused to treat them, a bunch of people who made money of peoples’ suffering, cops, criminals, and the lawyers who handled both, brain surgeons (seriously), Hollywood fringes, bartenders, students, physicists, Veterinarians, teachers, midgets, roller derby girls, lesbians (both real and named), gays, straights, Asians, a black guy, some chick from Kazakhstan, three versions of a plastic Dora doll, and even the token Albanian. Some fled the city in disgrace after appearing on a lame ass second rate talk show, some heard the siren’s call of Hollywood (and we eagerly await seeing them in porn), some were exiled to other countries (does Canada count as a country? I thought it was a wannabe commonwealth) some actually grew up, matured, and had families, and some of us stayed. Those that did decided to celebrate our 400th run.

MILESTONE OBSERVERS:
Cause For Blindness, Flounder, Doo Daddy Too, Hare Ass, Just Nick, He’s A Lesbian, Just Gabrielle, Wingnuts, Hold the Sausage, Where’s My Vagina, Semen On the Poopdeck, Rear Engineer, Just Matt, Just Marius, Just Danielle, Gay Matthews Lamb, Just Brad, Uncle Bad Touch, Just Rick, Short Distance RImmer, Just Kristin, Twat Of Darkness, Two Clump Chump, Sternum and Rectum, Bonzai Bush, Penis In My Ear, Whiskey Dick, Just Matt, Just Ben, One Inch In, Big Tackle, Soft Core Anaylist, Up Her Alley, Just Jason, Piss Cycle, Tube Cock, Just Erin, Stacks, Can You Hear Me Now, Urine Luck, Just Kanesha, Gag Reflex, Just Laura, Chef Boy Or Horse, Just David, Dumpster, Itemized Seduction, Just Dana, Tits of Steel, Dunkin Hinds, Just Alaya, Just Danielle and last but not least, Blow Me Barbie.

First off, Uncle Bad Touch fucked up the T-shirt order, and only brought one, headed on a flight down to Baltimore to score crack on Fayette Street. Then, as I walked in, there was Where’s My Vagina demanding money again, this time $15.00. As soon as someone paid, she slapped a bracelet on them. I think the Germans had success with this in the Late 30s and early 40s. Philly H3’s Hareass decided to swing by and make sure he IDed us all. I guess when you are as old as he is, we all look under 21. One Inch In actually brought the bugle and then of course Two Clump Chump hared it. There were actually some virgins and visitors so after a quick chalk talk, we went out and found….

TRAIL:
http://www.everytrail.com/view_trip.php?trip_id=1333306
Off we ran, down Race to 3rd then North, where we cut down a tiny road back to the river, where we found the first False, and then South and East, under I95 and then down Delaware Ave, hugging the trail at Penn’s Landing, past the Olympia and the Squalus, then back across Delaware, around the Vietnam Vets Memorial, and back into Olde City, where the trail went up several flights of stairs to before we heard the blessed call of BEER NEAR. We drank our suds at the top of the lot for a few and then headed back down another flight of stairs to Lucy’s on Market. Total Distance, 2.8 mi. I guess this was better, since we confiscated the back room, complete with hours d’ourves and entertained the hot bartenders with our …

CIRCLE:
HARE: Two Clump Chump
VIRGINS: Just Ben: Uncle Bad Touch made him come
Just Marius and Just Gabrielle: Just Danielle made them both come
VISITORS: Dunkin Hines (Lehigh Valley H3) and Blow Me Barbie (SFH3, or is she a transplant now?)
FIRST IN / LAST IN: Dumpster / Cause
CUMS LATELIES: Dumpster, Big Tackle, Twat of Darkness, Wingnuts, Hareass.
AUTO HASHERS: Up Her Ali, Short Distance Sausage, Just Kanesha, One Inch In

ACCUSATIONS:
He’s A Lesbian: For wearing an Evander Holyfield costume
Just Gabrielle: for something, I was laughing too hard
Just Brad: For having Racing Stripes
Urine Luck: For looking like Fruit of the Clue with his high, junk showing, shorts
Can You Hear Me Now: Being the only original BFMer there (Cause is still the oldest)
Whiskey Dick: for saying using an elevator was a violation (what are you, new?)
Hold The Sausage: For holding down something, and Tits Of Steel under the when one GM drinks rule
One Inch In: For quoting his girlfriend, “Is that it?”
He’s A Lesbian: For some other reason
Just Alaya: For not knowing what the M in BFM is.
Blow Me Barbie: For being ashamed of her name
Gag Reflex: For wearing running clothes for once
Son Of A Goatfucker: For looking thirsty

BIRTHDAYS: Can You Hear me Now, Rear Engineer, and Cause For Blindness

ANNOUNCEMEMTS: None

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH:
“Are you taking notes about me?”- Just Gabrielle
“Now I am.” – He’s A Lesbian

“Your junk was laying under another man’s junk?” Bonzai Bush
“His junk and mine frequently touch” – Urine Luck

“Follow me down the shady alley, ladies.” One Inch In

“I’m actually a movie star.” Just Alaya
“So porn counts” – He’s A Lesbian

“What do you do that you have a notebook?” Blow Me Barbie to He’s A Lesbian.

It was a beautiful Fall night in Philly with crisp air, partly cloudy skies, and angry people. The hash was going to a Manarox regular, T. Hogan’s; notable for its general awesome dive bar-ness and some of the best fried goodness in the area. (The wings are pretty damn good and this is coming from a Buffalo native.)

The Manarox pack was as big as I could ever remember. It’s almost like once you go Manarox, you don’t go back. I guess it’s the big hills, but I heard that size doesn’t really matter.

Some of the folks who showed up for bloody, hilly fun: Flipper Over, He’s a Lesbian, Two Clump Chump, Hold the Sausage, Can You Hear Me Now, Short Distance Rimmer, Chef Boy or Horse, Tube Cock, Bonzai Bush, Jubal, Up Her Ali, Tits of Steel, Semen on the Poop Deck, Just Danielle, Just Brad, Jizhell, Piss Cycle, One Inch In, Bumble Beaver, and a cast of thousands. (I’m just tired of typing)

Trail

The lucky winners of haring this week were Semen on the Poop Deck and Tits of Steel. A few minutes later, the pack assembled for the chalk talk after a reasonably generous head start to the hares. We were introduced to the marks by our honorable RA. One included a Beer with a check mark. The entire pack was befuddled. Is that Beer Check or Book Check or Both? In a disoriented state, the pack was off.

Being hashers and BFM hashers at that, the pack was immediately check hung at the Wissy Train Station. We checked out the station and couldn’t find marks. So, back to the bar? Nope! The pack was off the check hang a block to the West. Still nothing! Finally someone called on-on back towards the train station. After running through the train station a second time, the pack went up the hill near Hogan’s.

This entire circle jerk of death took about 15 minutes. So, we could NEVER catch the hares at that rate!!

Well, the joke was on us. At the top of the hill, Two Clump Chump caught the hares. Apparently, the scene was a pile of flour and blood; it seems that Semen on the Poop Deck got lost and then ran straight into a parked car. (I hate when those parked cars keep hitting me!)

So, Two Clump took the bag and ran with it. Literally! The trail continued through a nice suburban neighborhood and right past chez Two Clump. During this stretch, I learned WAY too much about certain hash members obsessions with anal and anal raping. And telescopes? Yes kids, this is the Year of the Sausage Fest!

With inappropriateness in our heads, the pack continued over Ridge Avenue near the golf course. Then, onto a Beer Check. (We learned the origin of the weird mark after all!) After beverage-ing, the pack went back on-in.

When we got back to the bar, we indulged in our favorite hash pastime – beer! Before we go any further in this trash, we must pay homage to this joyous reason we keep showing up every Thursday! (Just sing this in your head; the day will be MUCH better)

Lyrics to The Beer Song:
What is the malted liquor.(beer)
What gets you drunker quicker?
What comes in bottles or in cans?(beer)
Can’t get enough of it,(beer)
How we really love it,(beer)
Makes me think I’m a man,(beer)
I can kiss and hug it,(beer)
But I’d rather chug it,(beer)
Fill my belly up to here,(beer)
I could not refuse a,(beer)
I could really use a,(beer)
Beer, beer, beer.

I can’t remember how much I have had,
I drank a twelve pack with my dad, BURP!
That’s my son the drunken manly stud,
I’m proud to be his bud,
Here have some pretzels,
No!
I’ll call it quits,
Those things give me the Schlitz!

Drink with your family,
Drink it with your friends,
Drink till you’re fat,
Stomach distends,
Beer is liquid bread it’s good for you,
We like to drink till we spew,
EW
Who cares if we get fat,
I’ll drink to that,
As we sing once more.

What is the malted liquor,
What gets you drunker quicker,
What comes in bottles or in cans (beer)
Can’t get enough of it,(beer)
How we really love it,(beer)
Makes me think I’m a man,(beer)
I can kiss and hug it,(beer)
But I’d rather chug it,(beer)
Fill my belly up to here,(beer)
Golly I adore it,(beer)
Come on dammit pour it,
Do it for me,
Brew it for me,
Feed it to me,
Speed it to me.(beer)

The most wonderful drink in the world.
Hooray!

Circle

Hares – Semen on the Poop Deck, Tits of Steel – Caught on Trail Then – Two Clump Chump Too

First In/Last In – Up Her Ali, Semen on the Poop Deck (and when all hares drink)

Cums Lately – Tube Cock, Bonzai Bush, Jubal, Jiz Hell,

Virgins?Visitors? – Just Danielle, Just Brad, Just Matt

Autohashers – Bumble Beaver, Broken Rod, He’s a Lesbian, Bonzai Bush, Piss Cycle, Jiz Hell

Accusations
Hash Crash – Semen on the Poop Deck for running into a parked car
Uncle Bad Touch – Sticky fingers or just being him
Urine Luck – Emanating Three Balls musk
Jiz Hell – Breaking a toe at the Red Dress Run
Visitors – For discussing Big Bang Theory or general nerdiness
Tube Cock – Prodding or pooping on trail (or both)
Semen on the Poop Deck – For imitating a cop show by sprawling across the hood of a car
Semen on the Poop Deck – Competitive sports shirt (he was thirsty!) and All Hares
Scooby – Compression socks
Rimmer – Because
Soft Core Anal-ist – Because
Uncle Bad Touch – Grandma Hip (all five fingers drink)
Goat Fucker – For being thirsty (or bitter and shifty)
Just Pete – Thirsty
Broken Rod and Up Her Ali – Eating delicious wings in circle (it was totally worth it!)
Flipper Over – For numerous costume changes
Chef Boy or Horse – Chin Strap

Announcements:

Full Moon Beer Mile! – October 14th – Manayunk – You Missed It!

BFM 400th Run – October 20th – You will miss it tonight!

Zombie Run – October 22nd – Maryland Somewhere, see Lesbian for details.

Philly AGM – December 3rd

Overheard at the hash:

“His telescope has been cold for some time.”
“You know what injury really hurts, anal raping”

I find that the closer the bar is the later I end up arriving. I would like to say there is a good reason, but there is none. Anyway after circling the block several times I settled on a spot and walked to The Institute. As I approached, I could see through the window that Three Balls was pointing and laughing. Upon entering the bar I was informed of the GM’s decree that the last person to the hash would be the hare. Although this is a dangerous routine, I was willing to do my part. I grabbed the bag of flour and left to the sighs of:

Who Came
Can You Hear Me Now, Cause for Blindness, Chef Boy or Horse, Flounder, He’s a Lesbian, Hold the Sausage, Just Chris, Just, Erin, Just Matt, Just Stacy, Pen is in my Ear, Rear Engineer, Short Distance Rimmer, Semen on the Poop Deck, Scooby Snatch, Three Balls, Tits of Steel, Two Clump Chump, Uncle Bad Touch, Urine Luck, Where’s My Vagina

The Trail
Although I am notoriously an over achiever and an FRB, I am a horrible judge of distance. Somehow I got a reputation for laying long trails, so I figured I might as well live up to this falsehood. Leaving the bar the trail headed west crossed Broad Street to find a back check 6. This brought the trail back east and south. We ran past some police activity and continued south towards the game board playground that is the Municipal Building. After playing Frogger across Market Street we headed through City Hall and South on the Broad St Median. Down the steps to the PATCO station only to run two blocks and back up to the street. We headed East to Washington Square only to run a circle jerk three quarters the way around the square. Back North and to the ON IN. I returned to the bar to see Urine Luck trying to fit in with the locals. After a few minutes of awkward conversation, he asked why I was so far ahead of everyone. I looked down at my flour covered shirt and then up at him and replied “I’m the Hare”. He tried to explain something about beer checks and everyone walking back together, but I had stopped listening. As a note to all of the newbies out there, there was a time when trails were long and beer check were the exception, learn to deal. Any who, much to my surprise and elation, the hashers started rolling in to the bar without their pitch forks and torches. After a few debates as to how many miles the trail was we began:

Circle
Hare: Two Clump Chump
Virgins: Just Chris and Just Erin via Just Stacy
Visitors: Crotch Thumper from Lexington Horses A**
First in/ Last in: Three Balls/ Just Matt
Auto Hashers: Urine Luck, Pen is in My Ear
Cums Lately: Semen on the Poop Deck, Fire Down Under, Just Stacy
Accusations
Urine Luck- for asking the hare why he was the first one in
Uncle Bad Touch- for running too much in one weekend
Three Balls- Racist Shirt and under when on GM drinks, Tits of Steel, Crotch Thumper, Hold the Sausage
Uncle Bad Touch- Camel Back in Circle
Just Stacy and Fire Down Under- Racist Behavior

Announcements
Full Moon: Beer Mile October 14th
Philly 1750: You missed it
BFM 400th: October 20th
With that we hoisted Scooby Snatch for his Side-Side. Afterwords he blew out his candles and we ate all of his cake.

Overheard
2 Clump “What do I get in return?”
Tits of Steel “Nothing you would be interested in.”
2 Clump “You would be surprised what I’m interested in.”

On on,
Two Clump Chump

I normally begin a trash telling about my journey and trying to find a parking spot, and I would have this time to, except, Uncle Bad Touch told me that he is tired of hearing about my parking travails. He did so in a rather warbling message on my voice mail that said:

“Lesbian, I’m going nuts at work. You gotta see this. That right there is the mail, now let’s talk about the mail, can we talk about the mail, please Lesbian, I’ve been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, OK? Pepe Silvia, this name keeps coming up over and over again. Every day, Pepe’s mail is getting sent back to me, Pepe Silvia, Pepe Silvia. I look in the mail this whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself, “I gotta find this guy. I gotta go up to his office, I gotta put his mail in the guy’s goddamn hands, otherwise he’s never gonna get it, it’s gonna keep coming back down here. So I go up to Pepe’s office and so what do I find out, Lesbian, what do I find OUT? There is no Pepe Silvia, the man does not exist, ok. So I decide, oh shit buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper. There’s no Pepe Silvia, you gotta be kidding me, I got boxes full of Pepe! Alright, so I start marching my way down to Carol in HR, and I knock on her door, and I say, “CAROL! CAROL!” I gotta talk to you about Pepe!” And when I open the door, what do I find? There’s not a single goddamn desk in that office. There is no Carol in HR. Lesbian! Half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town. Oh, and quit writing about your fucking parking, no one gives a shit.”

So I wandered in to the Triangle Tavern (Weren’t we JUST there?) to find Ray, all happy that we were going to triple his weekly beer till, boiling hot dogs and ordering Pizza. Pizza! And a cooler full of Yengling. My dog wasn’t this trained.

Who Tried Again: Penis In My Ear, Urine Luck, He’s A Lesbian, Son of A Goatfucker, Two Clump Chump, Can You Hear Me Now, 3 Balls, Chef Boy Or Horse, Scooby Snatch, a Sausageless Short Distance Rimmer, Raineer Queer, Tits Of Steel, Doo Daddy Too, Sly Fox, Where’s My Vagina, Just Yolanda, Working Girl, and Soft Core Analist.

TRAIL:
Being an autohasher, I can only assume it was fantastic. But, Penis In My ear did say that he drove by the pack and yelled out “On ONE” and confused the pack, before he drove away giggling like a schoolgirl with weirdly pierced ears. Someone somewhere came up with the idea of renaming Urine Luck to Pissterine,

CIRCLE:
HARE: Working Girl
VIRGIN: Just Yolanda, someone made her come
FIRST IN/LAST IN: Two Clump Chump, Where’s My Vagina
CUMS LATELYS: Doo Daddy Too, 3 Balls
AUTO HASHERS: He’s A Lesbian, Penis In My Ear, Chef Boy Or Horse

ACCUSATIONS:
3 Balls: For being an FRB and bitching that he had to do something with a B
Soft Core Analist: Alcohol Abuse:
Short Distance Rimmer: For having more flour on him than the hare.
Sly Fox: Cackling during the hash (apparently only Cause can do that)
Penis In My Ear: For driving by and screaming “On ONE!” which apparently really confused the hash.
Just Yolanda: Hash Crash
Goat Fucker: For bleeding in the hoof.
Can You Hear Me Now: For stuttering
Where’s My Vagina: Automatically assuming that Urine Luck’s shirt was from San Fran.
He’s A Lesbian: For asking about circumcision
Urine Luck: For having a knock-off hash shirt
He’s A Lesbian: For Playing Tic Tac Toe and losing
Can You Hear Me Now: For masturbating
Short Distance Rimmer: For smiling
Sly Fox: For checking out John From Glenside
Sly Fox: For Newf being roo (What my notes say)
Can You Hear Me Now: For Making a motion.

ANNOUNCEMENTS:
1st Annual Working Girl Tribute Run: Thurs, Sep 22, at Bonners
Zombie Run For Your Life Run: Oct 24, http://www.runforyourlife.com

With that, the hash filtered out,

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH:
“We’re not Voting!” –Son Of A Goatfucker
“But you ARE bleeding!” – Two Clump Chump

“No one ever said hookers were stupid”- He’s A Lesbian

“Will the real Two Clump stand up please?” Someone

“Hey, I came!” – Sly Fox (indignantly)

“OK, make something up.” –Sly Fox yet again

“There’s so few of us, I have to do all the work.”- Urine Luck
“Kinda like when you’re at an orgy” – unknown hasher

Once Upon a Time, a long time ago, there was a group of runners who liked to gather on Thursday evenings for adventures and the quest of Crappy American Beer. This Thursday evening in the Reign of the Queen Sausage in Castle Bonners in the Village of Center City Philadelphia was a humid one. The runners donned their fairest frocks seeking adventure into the sweltering night. All to grab their last sighting of the fair Prince and/or Princess (es) Working Girl and Sleeps Around the Cock prior to their departure to the wilds of the West.

But lo, how did we get to this sad departure. One day, Prince Working Girl set out to find a fair, modest maid. After searching far and wide, he could not find an acceptable maid to be his bride. However, on one fine evening, a fair lady arrived to a Center City Inn from a far away Village of Bridesburg and competing running adventurers. After months of courtship, the fair lady Sleeps Around the Cock noticed the Prince’s desire to wear gowns at the annual Green Dress Village Dance. Not even this predisposition could keep the couple apart and the Prince and Princess were happily wed. However, as fate would have it, adventures lurked for the Prince and Princess (es) to find their fortune in the West. Thus, the Queen of all of the hashers deemed this fair evening the Farewell to Prince and Princess Working Girl and Sleeps Around the Cock.

The villagers gathered for the mighty quest for beverages:

Queen – Queen Hold the Sausage
Prince and/or Princess (es) – Working Girl and Sleeps Around the Cock
Knights– Rear Engineer, One Inch In
Exchequer – Where’s My Vagina
Scribes– Up Her Ali, He’s a Lesbian, Two Clump Chump
Pied Piper – The Karoake Guy
Token Squeaky Field Mice – Flipper Over, Cleavage to Beaver
Fair Maids and Maidens – Stacks, Cause for Blindness, Chernoblow, Bumble Beaver
Vicars, Monks, and Sirs – Short Distance Rimmer, Chef Boy or Horse, Son of a Goat Fucker, Soft Core Analist, Gay Mathews Lamb, Can You Hear Me Now, Skin Fiddle, Founder, Gag Reflex, Sternum and Rectum, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Penis in My Ear, Virgin Pimp, Runner Girl, Uncle Bad Touch, Broken Rod

To start their quest, the Fair Maids, Maidens, Vicars, Monks, Sirs, and Villagers gathered at the Castle Ballroom to begin their quest for Crappy American Beverages. The group was led by the brave Knights outside of the castle to learn more about the looming adventure.

Once given the rules of the quest, the group was off in search of the Holy Grail – Crappy American Beer. The quest started into the heart of center city. The pack headed back toward Castle Bonners over some drawbridges to the great Schuykill moat trail where it continued for a while. After being on the trail for a spell, the pack headed towards the Philadelphia Royalty Art Collections which is said to be guarded by Dragons.

The pack eventually stopped to find a safe place by the Moat to drink the first spoils of the quest – Crappy American Beer and fine Queen sponsored shots. After completing the first test, the group headed up into the belly of the Art Museum. As luck would have it, no dragons had to be slayed, so the villagers took a memorial picture for the Prince and Princess to remember when they are in far away lands.

From there, the pack headed back on-in to the Castle Bonners to safety and to complete their quest for Crappy American Beverages.

While back at Castle Bonners, The Exchequer collected the necessary tithing to exchange cash for beer. Crappy American Beverages were served and the participants rejoiced. Who wants some of that?

As is the Queens’ tradition, the group gathered to celebrate the highlights and lowlights of the quest. The brave knights led the villagers in song and much rejoicing.

Leaders of the Quest (Hares): Sleeps Around the Cock, Hold the Sausage

Sacrificial Virgins – None, they have all been sacrificed

Dragon Slayers (First In) /Caught Fighting the Dragon (Last In)– Sternum and Rectum, Princess Working Girl, Short Distance Rimmer, Penis in My Ear

Not Tithing to the Hash Recently – (Cumes Lately) – Sternum and Rectum, Cleavage to Beaver, Bumble Beaver, Chef Boy or Horse, Gag Reflex, Virgin Pimp

Visitors from Far Away Lands – Runner Girl

Stuck in the Castle Dungeon (Autohashers) – Uncle Bad Touch, Can You Hear Me Now, Gag Reflex, He’s a Lesbian, Bumble Beaver

Airing of the Complaints to the Knights (Accusations)

Working Girl – For Princess Attire
Cleavage to Beaver – Tech on Trail
Can You Hear Me Now – Looking beyond his lot in life (dress shirt)
Sleep Around the Cock – For taking away the best looking girl
Runner Girl – Pointing in Circle
Cause – Really Last In
One Inch In – Talking during circle (and all Knights drank)
Two Clump - Butt Plug bigger than him
Cleavage and Flipper Over – Squeakiness
Rimmer – Having a friend who shakes until his member comes out
Lesbian – Because
Skin Fiddle – Showing up once a year without his hash beard
Bumble Beaver – Exercise attire
Lesbian – Because
Working Girl – Bringing Amy Winehouse back from the dead
Up Her Ali and Broken Rod – For stealing pussies
Broken Rod – Hat
Working Girl – Don’t Ask Don’t Tell
Gag Reflex – For Head
Cleavage and Flipper Over – For General Squeakiness
Working Girl and Sleeps Around the Cock – For going to Vegas and fitting in for being a drag queen

Proclamations –

Philly Hash 1750th – October 8th – 2pm – Great Beer, Great Food, Great Trail, Indoor Camping at the legendary Barn – It will be awesome! Let Hold the Sausage, Up Her Ali, Hareass or Three Balls know you are cumming!

Full Moon Beer Mile! – October 14th – Manayunk – Check Your E-Mail

BFM 400th Run – October 20th

Zombie Run – October 22nd – Maryland Somewhere

Rest in Peace and On Up – Legendary Hasher Himalaya Passed Away – He will be greatly missed!!!

Attempting Re-Laming of Chef Boy or Horse – Failed for Now

Once the rejoicing was complete, the villagers celebrated the going away of the Prince and Princess (es) by singing them a little song led by the one and only Pied Piper or the Karoake Guy.

After hours of serenading, the Prince and Princess were tired and headed out back to their abode to prepare for their long journey. And as in all tales, they lived Happily Ever After.

The End

Sugar Moms is known for many things such as; clowns, that scary Predator head, and cheap pierogi. Fun fact of the day, pierogi is the plural form, but don’t tell Mrs. T. I wondered into the bar, excited to see the new paint job in the lobby, but sad to see the clown with the face cut out gone. As I drank my flat Guinness and eat my “Ass Basket” here is who I did see.
Who Came
Bee Orgy, Can You Hear Me Now, Cause for Blindness, Chef Boy or Horse, Flounder, Gay Mathews Lamb, He’s a Lesbian, Hold the Sausage, Just Keith, Just Rick, Mediocre and Stupid, Not in my Hair, One Inch In, Pen is in my Ear, Rear Engineer, Short Distance Rimmer, Sleeps Around the Cock, Scooby Snatch, Sly Fox, Soft Core Analyst, Son of Goat F*cker, Tits of Steel, Two Clump Chump, Uncle Bad Touch, Where’s My Vagina, Working Girl

The Trail
I auto hashed so I cannot speak to the quality of the trail, but with the role of Hare randomly assigned as the GM’s beau yet again I was concerned to say the least. Much to my jealousy the pack wondered back in with smiles on their faces (mostly because of the PBR) and exclamations of “Sh*tty Trail” on their lips (I was going to use the word ejaculations, but that usage is dated and some of you more immature half minds might get the wrong idea).
Circle
Hare: Short Distance Rimmer
Virgins: Just Keith via Just Rick
Visitors: None
First in/ Last in: Gay Mathews Lamb/ Cause for Blindness
Auto Hashers: Two Clump Chump, He’s a Lesbian
Cums Lately: Not in my Hair, Bee Orgy, Mediocre and Stupid, Sly Fox, Just Rick, Cause for Flounder, Flipper Over
Accusations
Flipper Over- for being embarrassed by her name
Rimmer- for leaving his pants at Cause’s house
Just Rick- for Hash crash
Flounder- for letting Cause out by herself for a Hash weekend
Cause- for hashing a whole weekend with no extra clothes
Not in my Hair- for tech on trail and under when one person with 5 fingers drinks
Uncle Bad touch and Bee Orgy
Medi Stu- for contracting elbow Herpes
Scooby, Flipper over and Bad Touch- for food in circle + the 5 fingers clan
Medi Stu- for eating trash
Rear- for a false against someone
Gay Mathews- for wearing boat shoes
Working Girl and Sleeps around the cock- for happening and then staying in Vegas
Chef Boy or Horse- Racist shirt
Where’s my Vagina- for being thirsty (and refusing to show her tits)
Announcements
Working Girl Hash September 22nd
Full Moon: You missed it, it was awesome
Philly 1750: Sign up
BFM 400th: October 20th
Beer Mile: ask someone other than me

With that we hoisted Bad Touch for his Side-Side, leave it to Rimmer to figure out how to tie five fingers together.

Overheard
Rimmer “I made cheese today”
MediStu “That’s the most action I’ve gotten in a week.”
2 Clump “A week?”
MediStu “Give or take a few hours.”

On, on,
Two Clump Chump

Ahh, Krupas! An old man bar right in my old Art Museum neighborhood, which also has the cheapest beer around. ( I personally think they get the spoilage from other bars) I had a great time living there, and it was great except for one thing. Parking sucked back then and it has only gotten worse. Fairmount is one of those places where, when you find a good parking spot, you leave your car parked there until it grows dust and cobwebs. Other than that, it has lots of great things to offer: It is near Kelly Drive so when you wish to get your bike or run on, you can do so with gusto. There is also a bar on practically every other corner. When I lived there, we had a wild little group of people on one square block. From the drug dealer next door (Who is still there), to the fat fake nun above me (who got locked up), to then mayor Street’s son across the street, you name it, we had it.

Since my doctor had told me not to run after she dug a thumb sized chunk of flesh out of my back (Apparently, she’s into that kind of thing), I was auto hashing. I showed up at Krupas about 10 minutes after the pack had left, with the newly named Urine Luck Haring, I decided to wander down the street to see if I could stumble upon an impromptu beer near.

Fairmount Hashers: Two Clump Chump, Tits Of Steel, Tube Cock, He’s A Lesbian, Short Distance Rimmer, Stacks, 69th Amendment, Can You Hear Me Now, Uncle Bad Touch, Raineer Queer, Up Her Ali, Just Courtney, Piss Cycle, Hold The Sausage, Sleeps Around The Cock, Just Rusty, Just Jason, Just Sarah, Just Jeff, Scooby Snatch, Hare Ass, Broken Rod, Penis In My Ear, Gay Matthews Lamb, Midnight Tranny To Georgia, Chernoblow, Just Olivia, Baaaaack Door, Just Matt and bringing up the rear, yes, Mr. Rash himself, Rear Engineer.

According to Up Her Ali, who attempted once again to take my notes and write trash, Urine Luck and Rimmer were hares. They led the pack up North to ostensibly scare the shit out them before banging a right and running around Girard College and then back down Brown, dick teasing them past McKennas, Brigettes, Bishop’s Collar, The London, Gallaghers, etc, even running them under the infamous tunnel where someone found Jesus. Apparently he’s homeless now. Meanwhile I was whooping it up at McKenna’s, having decided to swill down a pint or two of brown while playing one match of Quizzo with the semi hot 30 somethings there. Let me say, it’s a shame they have it on Thursday nights. If it wasn’t for the hash being then, we would DOMINATE those idiots there. It was the easiest quizzo ever. I mean seriously, these were the questions. 1. What was Richie’s brother’s name on Happy Days? 2. The names of the oceans surrounding Panama? 3. How many times have the Phillies been to the World Series? You get the idea. We would have annihilated those yahoos.

I wandered back to Krupas to find Tits and Two Clump sipping $2 Lagers. Now I couldn’t tell if either had run, because you can’t tell with their clothing styles. Two Clump likes to wear athletic office attire and Tits usually sports, well, um, HER look. Finally the rest of the hash came in, with Up Her Ali a towin Clifford in, just assuming that since Krupas usually sees at most 10 people a night, a dog would be OK as well. Immediately, upon seeing me diligently taking notes, asked for them so she could do another great trash. Oh and since when did this shit start? “Oh, I’m too lazy to write the trash, so lets get Lesbian to do the note taking and I’ll get the credit. It reminded me of my college days, with the exception that I wasn’t charging my fellow on-secs $20 a pop. Hmm, now THAT’S an idea. Either way, we all wandered into the back room for:

CIRCLE:

HARES: Short Distance Rimmer, Urine Luck
VIRGINS: Just Sarah (Piss Cycle made her come), Just Olivia (Midnight Tranny made her come)
FIRST IN / LAST IN: Tits of Steel (Wow, That WAS her running outfit) / 69th Amendment
VISITORS: Just Rusty (Albuquerque H3) Raineer Queer, one of whom entertained us with dead baby’s jokes.
CUMS LATELYS: Hare Ass, 69th Amendment, Penis In My Ear
AUTO HASHERS: Two Clump Chump, He’s A Lesbian, Tube Cock

ACCUSATIONS: (Some of these are blurry so if I falsely accused you of murder it will NOT hold up.)

Urine Luck and Rimmer: For bragging about mile times
Scooby Snatch: For trying to accuse someone of Matchy Matchy (apparently this is no longer a crime since the GM always wears the same shirt every time and she hates drinking)
The Hares: for thinking we are a running club, not the other way around
Penis In My Ear: for taking a shit on trail (which COULD be acceptable hash behavior, especially if you use it as a marking)
He’s A Lesbian: For not calling Tits of Steel
Just Courtney: For squeaking again
Penis In My Ear: For using Dilly Dally on Trail. (although he could have been accusing Just Josh)
BAAACK Door: For something
Soft Core Analist: For doing a really shitty Scoobie Impression

ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Philly Full Moon: Friday, 9-9-11 at the Black Sheep (Holy Fuck may be coming back)
9/20/11: Beer Mile.

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH:
“Oh, I’m glad you’re hear, your hands are so soft.” Uncle Bad Touch to Midnight Tranny (Ewwwwwww)

“I’m Taking it all in” – Just Olivia

“No lie, I can call my mom and she’ll get me a thing in 20 min.” – Two Clump

“My penis has all these bumps.” – Urine Luck

He’s Waiting for me to say something stupid.” Tube Cock, pointing at He’s A Lesbian

“If you weren’t injured, I’d kick your ass.” – Tits of Steel
“”You can do anything to me from the waist down.” – He’s A Lesbian
“Ewwwww”- Tits

Well, it’s that time of year again, time for The Rash’s semi-annual contribution to the trash. I would say that I’ve felt guilty for not showing up to the hash, or not hanging out with hashers, or not writing trash, but that would be lying. Frankly, I’ve been not giving a fuck so hard it’s burning calories. With that said, on to this weeks hash:

This week’s hash was held at that best place to hash in University City (Cavanaugh’s) at that best time of the year to hash in University City (when there are no Penn students around). Tonight’s Mob consisted of Son of Goat Fucker, Sternum & Rectum, He’s a Lesbian, Working Girl, Sleeps Around the Cock, Doo Daddy Too, Just Aliah (pronounced “I’ll Lay Ya”, so that’s one naming we can skip, at least), Just Ben, Baaaack Door, Where’s My Vagina, Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, S&M Man, Piss Cycle, Chef Boy-or-Horse, Up Her Ali, Broken Rod, Penis in My Ear, Uncle Bad Touch, Just Jason, One Inch In, Two Clump Chump, The Rash, and Rear Engineer.

Rear Engineer and myself (Mrs. Rear Engineer), and Uncle Bad Touch (Parolee #2507664), spent our time at the bar as we showed up late. He’s a Lesbian had been the lucky short straw recipient this week, and headed out to reprise his original first trail as a hasher, which involved overachieving and laying trail with a rock, if you’ll recall. And then he came right back and told us all about it and I took his notes so I could write the trash. He said a bunch of things about where they ran, but you don’t care, and honestly, neither do I. Apparently, though, there were two false beer checks right next to the actual beer check at the New Deck. Now, if you want to confuse and anger hashers, false beer checks is a great way to do it. It’s like when I dangle the fake bird toy too close to my cat and she gets angry and goes for my hand instead and then I need band-aids. Anyway, the Mob found the actual beer check, the apparently went to one of the fake beer checks (Blarney Stone) out of pure spite. Or alcoholism. Or something.

And then they came back, partially for more beer, but mostly because their housekeys were in the room downstairs. After a sound threatening for hash cash by Where’s My Vagina, the Mob wandered downstairs and proceeded to tie one on. Also arriving around this time was autohasher Dr. Squealgood.

This evening’s circle was notable for the larger than usual down-downs. These are actually the largest down-downs beers I’ve seen since the time we used full pints at St. Jacks and I had to excuse myself in the middle of circle because my stomach decided that it was over capacity and at least one of those beers needed to leave, and tout de suite. Good times. Anyway, the circle!

The Circle

Hares: He’s a Lesbian

Virgins: Just Alaih, via One Inch In

First In/Last In: Just Ben, Short Distance Rimmer

Autohashers: Rear Engineer, Dr. Squealgood, The Rash, Two Clump Chump, Uncle Bad Touch

Comes Latelies: Where’s My Vagina, S&M Man, Working Girl, Rear Engineer, Penis In My Ear, Broken Rod

Accusations:

Where’s My Vagina – for complaining that the beer was too cold

Rear Engineer – Foreplay in circle

He’s a Lesbian – For imagining Rear in a French maid outfit

Just Alaih – For making Uncle Bad Touch buy her a beer.

Short Distance Rimmer, for claiming to have a psychic connection to One Inch In

Short Distance Rimmer again, for using a phone booth as a urinal

Where’s My Vagina, for commenting on her own BO

Up Her Ali, for demanding He’s a Lesbian’s notes to write trash

Chef Boy-or-Horse – for…some damn thing or other.

Where’s My Vagina – for claiming the down down beers were “all so big!”

He’s a Lesbian – for not laying trail with a rock, and for his Camden t-shirt

Just Jason – for sprinting past the 2^nd beer check

First Down – for just walking in

Where’s My Vagina – for not dumping her cup on her head

Uncle Bad Touch – for being too well dressed for circle, and indeed, for being Uncle Bad Touch

Son of Goat Fucker – because his wife drank

He’s a Lesbian, for asking who SOGF’s wife is (First Down, btw)

Sternum & Rectum – on principle

Just Aliah – for something about her beer being heavy

S&M Man – for being responsible for the earthquake

Hold the Sausage, Doo Daddy Too, Penis In My Ear, Working Girl, – for not having been in circle yet

Son of Goat Fucker – for singing “Lost control of the circle!” like a nursery rhyme

He’s a Lesbian – for wearing more beer than he drank

Are you bored? I’m bored There are a lot more accusations like this. Apparently huge down-down beers means that hashers think they are hilarious and they just keep making accusations. When this happens, the next morning when you think about that accusation you thought was a total ten, it’s kind of a four. Maybe. And you feel shame.

And, because it a S&M Man‘s birthday, he was side-sided in fine fashion.

And then, because we were real drunk, we named Just Ben. There were a lot of options, because Just Ben appears to have a creepiness quotient that approaches if not surpasses Uncle Bad Touch. However, because it was revealed during intense interrogation (“Dude, just tell us”) that in his past he’s performed an act known on the Urban Dictionary website as the “Lemonade Stand” (seriously, this was one of the grosser names I’ve been party to), potential names were R Kelly, Amber Alert, and Races Like a Pisshorse, but he was ultimately named Urine Luck. Congratulations, YFF!

Announcements:

October 8^th Philadelphia H3 1750^th. GO TO THIS, they have way better shiggy than we do. Also better food, and generally, better beer. Sometimes better-looking people, too.

October 20^th – BFM 400^th. Who knew we could count that high?

Upcumming Red Dresses (look them up yourself; what am I, your mother?)

New York City Red Dress Run

DC Red Dress Run

Overheard at the Hash

He’s a Lesbian: “Why am I watching little boys playing baseball”?

Just Ben: “At least you’re not laying in the bushes watching them through binoculars. [pause] That made me sound creepy.”

Uncle Bad Touch: “You are creepy.”

Piss Cycle: “And before I know it, I’m licking my mouse.”

On On,

The Rash

One of my favorite new books is Freakonomics. The book takes a look at seemingly unrelated things, and finds strange comparisons. You may be wondering “where is he going with this”, or “I didn’t know Two Clump could read”. It was often postulated that Hashers would stop at nothing for beer, after all we have survived the law, flash mobs, closed bars, and hipsters. However, last week this theory was seriously challenged. A BFM pub crawl in Manayunk, which has the highest bar (and church) count per block in the city, and yet a few raindrops scared away all but the truest, or most lush of the hash.

Who Came
Baaaaack Door, Cause for Blindness, Flounder, Gay Mathews Lamb, Hold the Sausage, Nappy Headed Homo, One Inch In, Post Anal Drip, Semen on the Poop Deck, Short Distance Rimmer, Sleeps Around the Cock, Swollen Cockpit, Tits of Steel, Two Clump Chump

The Trail
While we waited for the… anyone to show up, the GM seemed nervous. It turns out our beer check assistant, One Inch In, had not yet arrived. What did arrive was the rain, and each new hasher walked through the door, more wet than the previous (insert “wet” joke here (insert “insert” joke here)). Finally after 15 minutes of waiting for the rain to subside we decided to scrap the “crawl” portion of the night and headed upstairs for:

Circle
Hares: Hold the Sausage
Virgins: None
Visitors: Nappy Headed Homo

Accusations
I did not take any notes because (“said in a whiny voice”) I assumed one of the other three on-secs would show up for a change, so I will summarize. There were many accusations and most of them were true, except for the claim that our visitor, Nappy Headed Homo looked like Softcore Analyst. Perhaps we were confused by the rain because he looked like he showered before circle. One funny exchange happened when someone accused Just Meghan for something. Just Meghan came to her own defense, pointing out that she had been named and in the laws of hash, an accusation using a nerd name is deemed false. After much whispering between the GM and myself it was determined that Just Meghan was named Baaaaad Sheep and I reattempted the accusation. Under the 69th Amendment (no she wasn’t really there) the second false accusation does apply and she accepted her down down, but promptly accused me of still getting her name wrong. Not to take the fall solo, I accused the GM of not remembering naming Baaaaak Door at BFM 387. After that round I re-accused Baaaaack Door of coming so infrequently that the pack remembered Nappy Headed Homo better than her. They high jinks continued until the beer and the sky ran dry. Little by little the pack dispersed, to swim home from Manayunk.

Announcements
Philly Tailgate will go on without Cousin It on Aug 27th RSVP now or you might miss out.

On, on,
Two Clump Chump

So, yeah, I am a little late writing this trash. They say procrastination pays off now and hard work after a while, this is true. Let’s consider two weeks ago when I would have originally written this trash versus now.

Plus, why not steal the thunder of the person who is writing the trash this week. Like it will be witty or something… Whatever!

Other On-Secs reaction to this statement:
The Rash – Sure, right, I’m plotting your death in the most statistically improbable way (and I have the stats background to prove it)
Two Clump, – Like you ever write the trash? I am the only one who ever does anything for this group! Said in a bitchy/whiny tone
He’s a Lesbian – This trash needs more boobs, guns, and cop stories.

Two Weeks Ago – Philadelphia, PA

Weather – A hot, steamy and normal Philadelphia Summer.
Natural Disasters – None
Politics – The country was fighting over the debt ceiling and Americans were getting even more disillusioned with their hopelessly divided and useless Representative “Democratic” Government
Work – Sucky! At least I have a job but when do I go on vacation again?
Life – Still don’t have enough time, money or beauty. (Or a Stunt Double to do my job)
Hash – Still shitty but at least I am not freezing my balls off, just sweating a lot like Soft Core Anal-ist
Criminal Activity – None

Today, Thursday, August 25, 2011

Weather – Horrible! It’s been raining for two weeks straight. Clifford and I are working on plans for the Arc.
Natural Disasters – TWO!!
First, a random earthquake on Tuesday at 2pm. WTF – I thought Earthquakes were for the hippy jerks on the West Coast. What gives?
Second, Hurricane Irene – Holy Sh*t (not Holy Fuck) this one is going to be big. Manayunk and Kelly Drive – it’s been nice to know you. Jersey – You suck and you deserve to be punished. Besides your cheap gas, booze, jobs, hookers, and the Jersey Shore, what good are you? You should be PA; you can carry guns at will and hydrofrack your way to prosperity. (Who even knows where Bradford, Tioga, and Sullivan counties are anyway?)
Phairweather hash Sunday? Anyone?
Politics – Well, we “solved” the debt crisis. Our AAA bond rating was downgraded and we are heading towards the famous double dip recession. QE3 anyone? So what if you want to borrow money, ask Uncle Vinny, his interest is just broken legs. A job, unemployment is the best job evah!
Work – Sucky! Did I mention I have worked 10 days straight? Vacation better come soon or go all postal on the client’s ass.
Life – Still don’t have enough time, money or beauty. (Or slaves to do my bidding)
Hash – (see Arc comment above) Wet, I didn’t know this was a weekly wet t-shirt contest.
Criminal Activity – Flash Mobs! Watch out for Random Ass Beatings! AND, I got a ticket for recycling (really, I did) I love this city!

So, you see hash friends, put off what you can do today until two weeks from now. The picture can only be better!!

Surely I digress, the task at hand….

The greatest thing about Druids is that it is dog friendly. The Clifford is a big fan of the hash. If I grab my sneakers and say “hash”, he gets very excited. So, I got to the trail late and parked on ghetto Front Street. (Yes, this is my attempt to get rid of the Shit box) I picked up the hashers on the way going down Front Street. Clifford met the hashers with a dog appropriate greeting, a poop!

Once pooping was done, we continued on trail towards Delaware Avenue and through some scary post-industrial corridors. We kept running through the scary, until we got to Frankford Avenue. At Frankford, we saw the SugarHouse Casino. Gambling Check anyone?

We headed up through Fishtown a little more and ended up on Girard. At Girard, we saw a gathering of runners. Lo and behold, it was the Fishtown Beer runners. If you don’t know them, they are the uppidity version of the hash. They just run and drink snobby beer. The FBR looked us up and down and dismissed us as “those” people. We gave them some sneers back, West Side Story style, and went on our merry way.

From there, the trail went a little more through Fishtown and then veered back to the Northern Liberties. We got VERY check hung at the Piazza at Schmidts. After 10 or so minutes, we found the On, On up on Germantown Avenue. From there, we ran up towards 3rd Steet and we found a beer check! We hung out at a park, drinking some fine canned beer. After a spell, we headed back On In.

Upon returning to Druids, I was given the notebook by He’s A Lesbian. I think his hand hurt from all that writing on trail. (not what you would suspect his hand would hurt from…) So, from here on in I have to interpret his notes. This should be interesting.

Who showed to trail, aka, Mickey Mouse Roll Call, Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, He’s a Lesbian, Semen on the Poopdeck, Just Rick, Just Kristy, Whack a Mole?, Just Polly, Just Jason, Just Victor, Piss Cycle, Not in My Hair, Soft Core Anal-ist, Scooby Snatch, Son of a Goat Fucker, Giz Hell, Just Aciz, Tits of Steel, Can You Hear Me Now, Just Ben, Cousin It, Dr Squeal Good, Bumble Beaver, Elmo, and the ones I couldn’t figure out.

So, once back the bar, we got beers and headed outside.

Then, circle commenced.

Hares: Rear Engineer, Semen on the Poopdeck – The trail had not enough, cobblestones, dogs, glass, obvious marks, piazzas

Virgins – Just Aciz – The internet made him cum (doesn’t it for everyone)
Just Polly – Her sister made her cum
Just Jaycee (the bartender from Green Room) – Not sure who made her cum, but I know some boys who would want to

First In, Last In – Cheese Ho, Two Clump Chump – Two Clump was beaten by a girl, again!

Comes Lately – Not in My Hair, Bumble Beaver, Elmo, Bonzai Bush

Visitors – I can’t read it. Thanks for coming to the hash from another hash.

Autohashers – Bonzai Bush, Just Jaycee, Bumble Beaver, Tube Cock, Elmo, Short Distance Rimmer

Accusations that I can remember or read:
Pooping on a Pole – Scooby
Racists – Two Clump, Cheese Ho, Semen on the Poop Deck
Cousin It Not Having a Tailgate – Cousin It
New Shoes – The latest victim of the new shoe police
Abusing Clifford – He’s a Lesbian

Announcements from two weeks ago:
Cousin It Pig Roast – Passed you are SOL
Full Moon AGM – Passed, the new GMs are Bumble Beaver and Tits of Steel
Cousin It’s Tailgate – THIS WEEKEND, the 27th, Be there, bitches. RSVP today!!
Red Dress Run – Go with Uncle Bad Touch – It easier than match.com

Overheard by Lesbian at the Hash:

I jog but I have a long stride – Just Kristy