The heat had broken and once again, the hash was in the Triangle bar, which is supposedly a Pagan hangout. The city was still smarting from the flash mobs which had seemed to target Yuppie hipsters. I mean who can blame them, really. Knowing that I would never be a target, (Short bald and fat, unattractive, even to urban youths, or is it “yutes?”), I was trying to brief my cousin, Just Brandon, on the intricacies of the hash and tell him that we wouldn’t have a problem with flash mobs because A. We would probably be confused with one (Sorry, wrong demographic, folks), it was a Thursday, not technically a weekend, and C. in South Philly, where your average North Philly boy dares not venture.

I parked the beast into a lovely parking spot and entered, encountering bartender Ralph, who was happy to see us, knowing we would make a sizeable dent in his beer inventory. I was impressed at the number of virgins who showed up. While not equaling our record of over 28 (courtesy of the most annoying hasher ever), six was up there as well. Semen on the Poopdeck was the first hasher there, but not as early as his customary 2 hours (thought we forgot about that, did you?).

RITUALISTIC HASHERS: Semen On The Poopdeck, SS Crash (Buffalo H3), Too Good To Be Goo (Buffalo H3), Just Brandon, He’s A Lesbian, Dumpster, Just Lauren, Just Kaitlen, Midnight Tranny To Georgia, Tube Cock, Hold The Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, Son of A Goatfucker, Sleeps Around The Cock, Flounder, Cause For Blindness, Just Jason, Just Courtney, Just Andrew, Doo Daddy (Greater Lansing H3), Just Tom, Just Caroline, Just Matt, Two Clump Chump, Just Ben, Can You Hear Me Now, Just Brad, Just Diana, Just Kaneesha, Tits Of Steel, Gay Matthews Lamb, Cousin It, One Inch In, and Just Victor.

With all the Justs outnumbering the named hashers, whatever were we to do? Thankfully, Sausage handed out straws, and Son Of A Goatfucker drew the short one, and chuckled maniacally as he ran off to lay trail.

TRAIL:
http://www.everytrail.com/view_trip.php?trip_id=1234494
I guess his idea to rectify the giant Just problem was to run their dicks into the dirt, rather than naming them, but Son’s trail had us run North on Passyunk then East on Dickinson past a woman who screamed when she saw us run towards her. Really? This was the same hysteria that had my neighbor run crying to my door back in 2001 because she got an envelope with seeds in it. Like a Catholic grade school teacher in Philly is an Al-Qaida target?

I digress, anyway, after we ran buy the screaming sheeple, we somehow ended up East on Tasker, then South on Franklin, where all of a sudden some smartass saw two rabbits in a yard and confused the hell out of us by screaming, “ON HAIR!” which was responded by our females with a chorus of “AWWWWWW”s when they saw the bunnies. Someone called out On On and we ran up Mountain, before running right back down Mountain then West, before we finally turned South on 11th West on Mifflin, South again on Passyunk past something that looked like Treehenge, and on the Broad, where we check hung for a while., before running North on Broad, past a woman who saw us and screamed “Oh MY GOD!” and then smack dab into two 17th District cops who were on an anti-flash mob detail and bored almost to the point of thinking we were interesting. During this time I heard snippets of a conversation in which tube cock discussed the masturbation of birds. OK, it’s tough enough to take notes while running, but must you spout out some shit that deserves its own separate paragraph while I’m busy scribbling away. I swear you people do it on purpose.

Then our resident overachiever, Two Clump found trail and we all ran North on Carlisle then East across Broad and then North on Juniper, East on Warton, past the 3rd District, North on 11th, East in a spooky alley, then through the “Feel The Warmth Park” (where I am sure many a person has felt the warmth of something), then NE on Passyunk and then I heard Just Courtney squeak out the blessed sounds of “Beer Near!” and several dogs with a 3-block radius started whining.

The Beer check was at Wooly Mammoth’s and we all entertained each other and two short haired buff women bystanders, before noting that Goatfucker was no longer there and we could safely head back. Now, it is great to have a beer stop, don’t get me wrong, I love running half lit as much as anyone, but have you noticed our behavior after a Beer Near? Screw the trail, I’m running home, and we usually just head back to the bar for…

CIRCLE:
HARE: Son Of A Goatfucker
VIRGINS: Just Andrew: Someone had to have made him come
Just Leona: Just Brad made her come
Just Brandon, He’s A Lesbian made him come
Just Caroline: Just Taneesha made her come
Just Tom: Someone made him come, I assume
Just Kaneesha: Just Lauren made her come.

VISITORS: SS Crash and Too Goo to be True from Buffalo H3, and Poo Daddy Too from Greater Lansing H3, who sang us a great version of “Age of the Hairy Ass) to the tune of Age of Aquarius.

FIRST IN / LAST IN: Tits Of Steel/Semen on the Poopdeck

AUTO HASHERS: Just Victor, Cousin It and One Inch In

ACCUSATIONS:
Just Courtney, He’s A Lesbian and Midnight Tranny for all bring their family members to the hash.
Hold The Sausage: For a bad address.
Just Ben for something.
Poo Daddy Too for Tech on Trail
Short Distance Rimmer: For stalking him back to the suburbs
Tits Of Steel: For finding trail and not knowing it.
Sleeps Around The Clock: For not wanting that pussy that Sausage found.
Tube Cock: For Masturbating bids on trail
Son Of A Goatfucker: For laying two trails, One North and One South
2 Clump: For bringing his house in a backpack on trail
He’s A Lesbian: For leaving his virgin cousin on trail
Cousin It: The only reason he’s here is to advertize his party
Just Victor: For Looking Thirsty
He’s A Lesbian: For being a dick

ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Cousin It’s Pool Party, sometime this weekend.

27 Aug Cousin It’s Tailgate Party

Full Moon AGM at Druid’s Keep (you already missed it, it was a pretty OK time)

NAMINGS: Finally we named a couple of our hashers who had been here I while.

Just Victor dropped to his knees, and we started peppering him with questions. We learned that he’s a beer nerd, he worked for a beer company, a horse was his favorite farm animal, hi favorite sexual position was missionary, He had sex on the roof of a parking garage, so the suggestions started:

Bird Fluffer, Horse With No Name, Gay Matthew’s Horse, I Do It All, Hot Flashes, Menopausal Horse, Hung Like A Horse Fly, Sir Cums To Pressure, Playing With My Hand, On His knees, Takes it up the Ass Like A Man, Two Men One Horse, 2 Horse One Cup, Iron Horse Chef, all funny in their own rights, But lo and behold, the winner was Chef Boy Or Horse; Welcome YFF.

Now it was time for Just Lauren to drop to her knees. Once again, we found out that she worked making body parts, her favorite position was 69, and she once got caught having sex on the USS Constitution, and once played football. Suggestions were:

Frigate Fucker, Man Overboard, Fucking On Frigates, Nose Dive, Good Whore in Baltimore, Her Pees, Herpes Appeal, Sex On the Constitution, Pounding Father, 2 For Lesbian (I WILL write down everything you say), Herpes Handcock, Sailing Shaft, but the winner was: 69th Amendment.

With that, the circle closed, and we skedaddled at the sounds of approaching Harleys

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH:
“I can see Tit’s Ass” Midnight Tranny
“Lucky you.” Tits of Steel

‘NO TRASH OR DAY SHIT” written on the sewer at 11th & Tasker

“I dare you to pants it!” unknown hasher in response to someone seeing rabbits and yelling “On Hare!”

“Have you seen what they do to animals?” Hold The Sausage
“Is it a donkey show?” Tube Cock.

“Squeak, Squeak Squeak” unnamed female hasher.

I entered the Green Room and began gloating about my amazing parking spot across the street. As several hashers pretended to be impressed or even care, we noticed that Softcore Analyst pulled up on his bike. Approximately ten minutes later One Inch In pulled up on his bike and the wager was set, could One Inch lock up his bike ten minutes faster than Softcore? Some might say that they both lost, but more on that later.

Who Came
Dr. Squeal Good, Gay Mathews Lamb, Giz Hell, He’s a Lesbian, Hold the Sausage, It’s a Penis, Just Aziz, Just Ben, Just Courtney, Just Jeff, Just Matt, Just Ricky, Just Shelly, Just Victor, One Inch In, Midget F*cker, Pink and Puffy Rides the Huffy, Piss Cycle, Rear Engineer, Short Distance Rimmer, Semen on the Poop Deck, Soft Core Analyst, Son of Goat F*cker, Sternum and Rectum, The Rash, Tits of Steel, Two Clump Chump, Uncle Bad Touch, and Where’s My Vagina

The Trail
After a quick introduction to our virgins and visitors, the pack was off. We searched in several directions until finally we headed east and then south. After much confusion at Logan’s Circle, we continued south until we came across our favorite mark, Beer Near, at our favorite bar, Bonners. I am convinced that they were as happy to see us as we were to see…their beer. After much imbibing the pack headed back, well not directly, we had to head south; then east on Walnut to the Schuylkill Path, through the Thursday movie. We eventually made it back to the bar for:

Circle
Hares: One Inch In/ Softcore Analyst
Virgins: Just Shelly via Giz Hell, Just Austin via Pink and Puffy Rides the Huffy
Visitors: Midget Fucker from Taipei
First in/ Last in: Just Aziz/ Sternum and Rectum
Cums Lately: The Rash, Pink and Puffy Rides the Huffy
Auto Hashers: The Rash

Accusations
Uncle Bad Touch for stretching
Just Courtney/ Just Shelley for squeaking on trail
Just Aziz for racing on trail
One Inch In for making Rear accuse his wife
Just Ben for trying to hit on Where’s My Vagina by wearing an orange shirt
The Hares for making a pedophile check
Midget F*cker for using his nerd name in circle
Bad Touch for violating his parole and hanging out at a playground
Just Victor Holding out on beer
Semen on the Poopdeck Alcohol abuse
Just Rick food in circle
Giz Hell Stealing a beer but not drinking it
Pink and Puffy for sneaking Albanians into the US
One Inch for taking the On In in the wrong direction
Softcore for taking ten minutes to lock up his bike

Announcements
Philly Tailgate will go on without Cousin It on Aug 27th
After circle there was more drinking and merry making. After some prodding I found out that one of our own hashers is a famous child star. The night progressed as friendships were forged while others were broken, but that is a story for another day. The rain finally stopped, and the hashers started heading home.
Over Heard at the Hash
Hold the Sausage: “Who’s that?”
One Inch: “The girl with the voice.”
Piss Cycle: “Normally I put it in between my boobs.”

On, on,
Two Clump Chump

Philly had been plunged into its weekly heat wave and it was only going to get hotter on Friday. I had plugged in my two window-unit ACs and let them fight it out. And was waiting for the rolling blackout that I am sure would arrive. It was really hot. I just knew the pickup line that evening would be, “Hey, baby, I got central air!” Did I mention it was hot? Creatively, I felt like Billy Crystal in “Throw Moma From The Train” (“The night was….”)

I pulled the beast up to near 5th & South, and found Wooly Mammoth’s (Seriously, who’s idea of a sick joke was it to have a heat wave hash in a bar named for wool?) and was delighted to see some Asian woman trying to pull her car out of a parking spot right in front of the bar. After about an hour of her backing up and going forward, stopping in the middle of the road while she realized that it wasn’t a one-way, I was able to get in. I don’t know why it took her so long, she could have fit the Romanian army in the damn thing!

WHO BRAVED THE HEAT: Soft Core Analyst, Cause For Blindness, Flounder, He’s A Lesbian, Gag Reflex, Piss Cycle, Mama Fleea (EDWH3), Just Dave, Just Grace, Just Meghan, Where’s My Vagina, GizHell, Just Aziz, Rear Engineer, Hoo Hi, Two Clump Chump, Tits Of Steel, Gay Matthews Lamb, One Inch In, Uncle Bad Touch, Just Sam, Penis In My Ear, Just Levi, Can You Hear Me Now, Just Ben, Up Her Ali, S&M Man, Broken Rod, Semen On The Poopdeck, Hold The Sausage, Just Shameeka, Just Lauren, and Short Distance RImmer,

While we were doing our pre hash hydrating, and praying that no one would show so we wouldn’t have to actually RUN in this heat, Gag Reflex announced that he was going to a friend’s birthday party, and Piss Cycle then reached into her purse, spun around like Wonder Woman, and produced a sun dress, and away they walked, arm in arm, with her asking, “Do they have a washing machine in there?”

Just Meghan drew the short straw, and you will NEVER in a million years guess who volunteered to co hair. Again. Come on guess! I don’t know if we are giving awards out for most hares, but if we were…

Finally we all opened the door and were greeted by a wave of hot air that punched us in the face as we went outside for chalk talk.

TRAIL

http://www.everytrail.com/view_trip.php?trip_id=1207626

Since Just Meghan was used to Nittany Valley and had recently been a gimp, we were hoping it would be an easy one, but since she had one of the FRB helping her leave the flour in clump clumps, no such luck.

The Trail went South on Passyunk, with a Check less than 25m away at the little triangle at 5th & Passyunk, then East on Bainbridge, almost to front St, with a Back Check at 2nd & Bainbridge. GizHell proved herself a total tool by standing on the back check until the entire pack was on top of her and then asking, “Um, like what’s B C mean?” We then went South on American, around Monroe and up Front to a check on Delancy, where half of us (myself included) were duped into running West on Delancy, before we backtracked and ran through the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, then across the little park by Dock St, around Dock and North on 2nd, turning West on Market and scaring the hell out of people outside eating, then North on 3rd. Hoo Hi, was one of the FRBs and took us in towards Sugar Moms, when the soon to be leaving hasher came running back and led us to a beer Stop at the top of a four story death climb, also known as Chez HooHi The door to her lair closed in front of me closed and since it was sporting a cipher lock, I just stared at the door until One Inch In walked up, turned the nob, and looked at me like I was a retard. I walked in and I will say that no wonder Hoo Hi’s in shape. If I had to climb that mountain of stairs that go straight UP, I wouldn’t have my third trimester girlish figure. We stood and basked in her central air and marveled at the free T Rex she had up on the wall. She also had beer, so once we climbed up, we enjoyed the cool breeze before venturing back into the Philadelphia Sauna for yet another quick jaunt back to the bar for…

CIRCLE:
HARES: Just Meghan & Two Clunp Chump
VIRGINS: Just Dave and Just Grace (who thought her name was Just Josh)
First In / Last In : Just Aziz / Cause
Cums Latelys: Up Her Ali, Just Lauren, He’s A Lesbian, Just Lauren, He’s A Lesbian, Just Ben, Rear Engineer
AUTO HASHERS: Uncle Bad Touch, Just Shameeka, Short Distance Sausage

ACCUSATIONS:
Wheres My Vagina for sucking a dead whore
Just Aziz for Grabbing the handle and yelling, “Am I first in?”
Just Ben for Pointing
GizHell for waiting on a Back Check until more hashers showed up and then asking “What’s this for”
Casue for getting lucky
S&M Man for saying something about cause that made Sausage ears bleed and head explode.
One Inch In for removing his shirt (I was about to join him)
Two Clump Chump for climbing Hoo Hi’s Broken shaft
Soft Core Analyst for Getting Married (and Rear Engineer for the when one man gives up his manhood rule)
GizHell for being an overachieving ass clown
Rear: For being the wife of Rash
Hoo Hi for leaving
Uncle Bad Touch for getting really into it
Can You Hear Me Now for being in love with himself
He’s A Lesbian for staring at a door instead of opening it
Semen On The Poop Deck and One Inch In: For going on a man date to the gym
Uncle Bad Touch for knowing this ugly detail.

ANNOUNCEMENTS:
There is a Full Moon AGM coming soon

Rear Engineers Balls are sweaty

AUG 27 Cousin It’s Trademark Tailgate party without Cousin It.

Philly Hash is on Tuesdays now.

NAMING
Just Meghan was then dropped to her knees again and named. We didn’t even get through the preliminary questioning of this subject when someone made a sheep joke saying The Baaaaack Door. In a moment reminiscent of We’re Not Voting’s naming, before anyone could blink she was named, The Baaaaack Door (with 5 A’s). It’s about time YFF, I mean she’s only been hashing since I used to have hair.

With that, the circle closed, and we all decided to walk the three blocks down to Paddy Wacks for Karaoke. There was more dancing than Karaoke and since I look like I have Palsey when I dance, it was time for me to beat an exit.

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH:

“I’m Really excited for my first period.” GizHell

“I’m going to try to come.” – Just Ben

“I don’t shower that often and would seem a shame to waste it.” – Piss Cycle

“The short one is still in my hand.” – Rear Engineer

“I can’t believe everyone has sleeves on today, I’m not even wearing a bra.” –Tits Of Steel

“You’re wearing black.” – unk female hasher
“It’s because I’m in mourning over my small insignificant penis… Hey, where ya going?” – He’s A Lesbian

Gallagers is one of those bars that we tripped over accidently. It used to be something else and once, someone on the BFM noticed that it was underneath one of the places on Parkway. I would personally LOVE to find out who first decided on it. No matter, I pulled up the black and white beast onto a nice parking spot on 22nd St, and fed the meter, then noticed that it was only a paid meter till 7 pm, and that there was a much better spot up to the street. So I left my now uselessly paid for spot and schlepped up to a new one, hoping no one would notice. I never said I was too bright,
I got in to find Sternum, Uncle Bad Touch and Cause For Flounder already inside. Uncle was going off about a sauna in the mens room and I just HAD to experience it. Holy Hanna! The overpowering humidity mixed with the smell of urine almost made me homesick. I felt my will to live melting. The few of us that were about to call it a night, since it was beginning, at first to look like a Philly Phairweather hash of 4 people, but before you could say Mongolian clusterfuck, hashers started appearing like cockroaches with the lights turned on, scampering all about, getting beer, talking smack about whatever, looking like, well, a gaggle.

GAGGLING HASHERS: Sternum & Rectum, Flounder, Cause For Blindness, Uncle Bad Touch, He’s A Lesbian, Just Rick, Where’s My Vagina, Hold The Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, Just Greg, Just Victor, Son Of A Goatfucker, Two Clump Chump, The Second Coming, Comes With Batteries (San Fran Gypsies), Gay Matthews Lamb, Swollen Cockpit, Gag Reflex, Untouched Private Panther (Bloomington Fools H3), Tube Cock, One Inch In, Bonzai Bush, Penis In My Ear, Midnight Tranny To Georgia, Scoobie Snatch, Rear Engineer, Just Courtney, Just Jeff, Broken Rod, Just Ben, Can You Hear Me Now, Soft Core Analyst, Skin Fiddle, Rear Engineer, Up Her Ali, and Just Trisha.

As Sausage handed out straws I just KNEW I was going to get picked, since I really had no desire whatsoever to hare, I mean it was hot, and I am furbearing after all. Instead The Second Coming drew the straw and Two Clump decided that he just HAD to help. Away they went, and Sausage called everyone out for chalk talk and away we went.

TRAIL:
The trail went West down Spring Garden into the tunnel we all love so well, but it turned out to be a falsie, damn! I was hoping to dodge cars that night. Instead, we darted across the small little park next to that piece of twisted metal someone thinks is art. Apparently if you make something huge and ugly, and paint it oddly, and short dump it somewhere, it becomes art. Gives me an idea for my funeral…. I digress. OK, back to the trail, we then ran across the front of the art museum then right up the stairs, ala Rocky, giving our visitors a chance to waive their hands in the air. No such luck, the trail then went around the side of the museum, where some yutz on a segway screamed out, “Hey, I’m a hasher too!” Um, no, you’re not, pal, you were on a flippin SEGWAY! Although, that is another idea….OK, stay on track, we ran around the back and then down the curvy ramp to the Kelly Drive trail. Running past some older man feeding geese and the statue of the guy fishing. We continued South a bit then across the tracks and down onto the Parkway area, North again on 20th, East on Green, where a back check was called right by Scoobie’s flat, then through the park, and North on 18th to Brown where we found a Beer Near right by Eastern State, at Chez Ali. Woohoo. We all sat in the back drinking and sweating for a bit then decided it was time to head back in. We arrived back in Gallaghers to find Skin Fiddle bitching about President Obama stopping traffic, but we paid him no mind because it was time for…

CIRCLE:
HARES: The Second Coming, and Two Clump Chump
VIRGINS: None: unless you count anal.
VISITOR: Just Courtney and Just Jeff from Buffalo (Soon to reclassed as transplants)
Untouched Private Panther- Bloomington Fools H3
Comes With Batteries- San Fran Gypsies
FIRST IN/LAST IN: Midnight Tranny / Gag Reflex
CUMS LATELYS: Skin Fiddle, Swollen Cockpit, The Second Coming, Just Trisha, The Broken Rod, Just Greg, Up Her Ali
AUTO HASHERS: Skin Fiddle, Up Her Ali, Uncle Bad Touch, Just Trisha,

VIOLATIONS:
There were only a few this time:
Rear Engineer: For having the clap on his knee. We tried to say it was a Rash, but there’s no way she would sit on his knee with that thing, Wait a second….
Second Coming: For using the Ladies’ sauna, er I mean bathroom
Scoobie Snatch: For pointing
Midnight Tranny: Hash Crash
The Second Coming: For pissing off Afghans, and He’s A Lesbian for the “When one guy who’s pissing off Afghans drinks” rule.
Cause For Flounder: Matching underwear? (that’s what my notes say)
Sternum & Rectum: For being John from Ardmore
Rear Engineer: Accusing Swollen cockpit of something we all do
He’s A Lesbian and Sternum & Rectum: Something about Ardmore again
Son Of A Goatfucker: Looking thirsty
Scoobie Snatch: False accusation
Skin Fiddle: Shameless Self Promoting (he pointed to a milk carton and said, “She’s in my basement”)
Where’s My Vagina: Not having 4 friends
Short Distance Rimmer: For having Vaseline on his nipples which made him look like he was permanently lactating
Tube Cock: For not making his wife work for it
Can You Hear Me Now: For being sneaky or snarky
Cause For Flounder: For having a domestic disturbance (1301 Filbert St, Folks!)
Scoobie Snatch: For having Brooks Brothers shirts (You can see we were really grasping now)
Short Distance Rimmer: For yelling On Dick while peeing, and Tube Cock under the “when one dick drinks rule” followed by Swollen Cockpit under the “When one cock drinks” rule.
Just Ben: For texting in circle
He’s A Lesbian: Tech on trail: OK, wiseass, how do you people think I knew we ran 3.7 miles?
Just Courtney: For turning down free beer, and Up Her Ali, Short Distance Rimmer, and Just Jeff for the “When one Buffalonian drinks”
Gag Reflex: Not having a beer
Just Victor, Just Greg: For looking thirsty
Second Coming: For not being around for a year, and He’s A Lesbian for the “When one vet drinks..” rule.
Comes With Batteries: For being from San Fran, and Where’s My Vagina for the “When one person from San Fran Drinks..” rule

BIRTHDAY SIDE SIDES: Skin Fiddle: It took several ladies to lift him

ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Cousin It’s Tailgate party is no longer, but it doesn’t matter, we will still do it
August: First ever Drink a beer every mile run
Tube Cocks balls are salty

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH:
“The men’s bathroom is like a sauna of piss” – Uncle Bad Touch
“It’s aroma therapy.” – Just Greg

“He hasn’t had one in 20 years? That’s a real long drill spell.” – Cause
“I was talking about a tetanus shot, dumbass.” Uncle Bad Touch

“Oh shit, everyone’s fucking here” –HAL
“Everyone’s fucking?” – Where’s My Vagina

“Vagina loves dick, what can you say?” – Midnight Tranny to Georgia

“I heard you like dick” Tube Cock to Where’s My Vagina one hour later

“You have to learn how to use your elbow” – Sausage

“All y’all is gonna get is fuckin killed” – old man at 19th and Brown as the hash ran by.

This week’s trash is courtesy of guest scribe Can You Hear Me Now?

14 July 2011, BFM # 386 – Uncle Bad Touch drew the short straw but this was his first time haring and he was recovering from an ankle injury that had put him on crutches. Did you hear how that injury happened? Weeks back he slid into home plate feet first, did an ankle roll, and wound up face down (ass up) in the dirt, but safe. Game winner. Kickball glory. Crutches for a month plus.

Kickball is one thing, drawing the BFM short straw is another. Especially if you’re Uncle Bad Touch, who knows the lines around the kickball diamond a whole lot better than the streets around Callahan’s, 26th & South, where the Ben Franklin Mob crowded in for another night of carousing.

But Bad Touch, bad ankle and all, was not deterred. He laid trail east away from the South Street Bridge, which is located in close eyeshot of Callahan’s, and turned trail a long circle right back to that Bridge. By the time the mob followed the circle jerk and found its way to the Bridge, Bad Touch was already up and over it, frolicking about in University City.

Across the Bridge in University City Bad Touch faced two tasks: make it to the beer check before the mob and make it there without destroying his still-tender ankle. The beer check, suggested by Hold the Sausage, was at Cavanaugh’s, 39th and Sansom, abut two miles from Callahan’s.

Two miles laying trail for someone recovering from an ankle injury that put him on crutches? Weren’t no thang for Uncle Bad Touch, as easy as tumbling into home plate.

When he reached Cavanaugh’s, Bad Touch opted to drag trail just a bit further to the Blarney Stone, between 39 and 40 on Sansom. The multitudinous mob showed up within minutes, dwarfing the roster of some sad sack softball team who thought it ruled the joint. Hah. Mob, beer was all over your face. Softball team got nuthin’.

Once the mob was beered-up, Bad Touch was outside, hurdling back to Callahan’s, skipping on his bad ankle, crying only on the inside. Trail traversed the Walnut Street Bridge, descended down the stairs to the Schuylkill River path, and dragged through the dog park back toward the bar.

As Bad Touch hared the final blocks an upturned sidewalk grate snagged his foot, causing him to hop, skip, jump, and howl in pain. His howl was joined immediately by howls from the dog park dogs. Or was that the mob howling `on on’? No way to know.

But Callahan’s was in sight. Would Bad Touch and his wrecked ankle, against all odds, actually return before the mob?

Nope. Already approaching the bar was the lithe, loping silhouette of Son of Goat Fucker. How did that reanimated plastinate beat the hare? And not only was Goat Fucker there, but Gay Matthew’s Lamb and Just Meghan were there too. How GML and Meghan reached the bar ahead of the hare and alongside Goat Fucker’s Paul Bunyan strides was a feat of feet. But that’s the way it was, and so GML was first in, beating the hare. Hare didn’t drink for that though.

Shortly the rest of the mob arrived, filling the poorly ventilated bar with its effervescent effluvia of perspiration. Where’s My Vagina accepted hash cash from everyone and the beer began to flow. He’s a Lesbian’s doppelganger looked down from the wall with a fixed smile of approval. In time, circle began with One Inch In channeling the commanding voice of long-ago RA, E=My Cock Squared.

One by one One in Inch called into the circle the hares, the virgins, the visitors, the transplants, the backsliders, the autohashers, free agents, the first in and last in, masticated prawns, and wayward oompa-loompas. By that point the mob was well lubricated and in its zone, as evidenced by the fact that the bar’s other customers had all left in disgust. Rounds of accusations followed, reputations were tarnished and varnished, and the beer kept flowing till everyone’s liver cried “Uncle”.

I had this great idea. When I saw that Sausage listed that we would be running at the “Bar formerly known as TA Flannery’s” I thought, wouldn’t be great to make the whole trash under a formerly known as? I mean, it sounded good on paper, but it’s execution was, well… I blame myself of course, I made the mistake of telling Rash, who thought it was a neat idea, so, Guinness-fueled (That stuff makes me good looking, witty AND charming) I bounced it off of everyone ahead of time, which was the literary equivalent of saying to that girl you just kissed, “Are you ready for the goop?” You don’t telegraph your punches.

Time marches on, like it or not. Having said that I was filled with nostalgia as I drove up Ludlow to the bar formerly known as TA Flannery’s (For all you folks out there, it’s called Rogues Gallery now, even though all the menus say TA Flannerys), and my customary parking space on the sidewalk behind the firehouse had been replaced by steel pilings. I was worried about quarters to fill the meters when I saw that the Parking Authority had taken them all and replaced them with a credit card reader/ ticket thingy. While I was doing this The hashers formerly known as Just Steve and Just Joslyn pulled up and had some poor kid staring at them ala Little Rascals. His mother was halfway down the block and came running back, screaming at the tyke, “Why do you keep talking to strangers? He could kill you or something.” For some reason Rash thought this was uproariously funny and insisted I put it in the trash.

HASHERS FORMERLY KNOWN AS: Just Shelly, Rash, Just Steve, Just Amber, Red Light School District, See Me Feel Me Touch Me, Brad, Just Gabe, Just Bill, Just Mike, Just Bill, Randy, Just John, Just Melissa, Vanessa, Just Pat, Lauren, Just Brian, Rick , Just Chaz, Just Dev, Just Tammy, Victor, Just JC, Just Trish, Just Gwynneth, Dave, Just Mike, and The Horse Wacker
As Just Shelly walked in with her short distance Just Bill in tow, the former Just Steve and Red Light School District jumped up and VOLUNTEERED to lay trail. A part of me thought Oh no, this is going to get ugly.

TRAIL:
And it did, First of all, the former Just Steve firmly believes that we should get a workout during the hash, and while I agree, he does carry things to extremes at times. Fortunately the little clump clump man was there to temper his urges and instead we ran down East on Ludlow, then South on 20th, then East again on Chestnut, past the usual people outside eating and wondering what the hell we were doing, then North on 19th, past where Penn Station used to be, as well as the old Great Wall of Philadelphia (Look it up), We all check hung at 19th & Cuthbert, then 20th & Cuthbert, then onto the railroad tracks headed to 30th St. As we stopped at one check, I noticed a piece of cardboard with a pair of feet sticking out, and realized we had found a guy who used to have a home. Now this dude must have been either dead or really sleeping, because if I was sleeping under cardboard near a flippin train track and a bunch of people ran practically on top of me, I would have woken the hell up.

From there, we found the only piece of classic shiggy in the city and walked down this hill, through all sorts of stinky bushes, then North up 22nd St. We started thinking good thoughts as we neared Cherry St Tavern, the sight of many a Beer Stop and hash in the past. The hares dick teased us with a check at that location. Evil, rotten bastards…. I digress, so we continued North on 22nd then east on Winter past the Boy Scout headquarters and past some formerly cool guys who recognized the hash for what it was almost like and started to sing a British Rugby song;

“I want to know, oh oh oh if you’ll be my girl.” Nope, no one bit.
Then we found a trail going ¾ the way around Logan circle that for some reason really pissed us off, as we ran North on 19th into Spring Garden, where Rich people used to live, and then ran behind where the Youth Studies Center once was. I miss hearing the sounds of childish exuberance that used to emanate from there such as; “Yo, hold the motherfucker down, bitch!” ah, childhood in Philly. Ahh, sweet youth, where have you gone? Up at 20th St, Just Jill CSIed which way the trail would go, “Oh look, a couple drops went that way,” and sure enough she was WRONG WRONG WRONG, and we ran West instead, into the parking lot of the former Fresh Fields and into the high rise parking lot above the 9th District and Central Detectives, coming out again on 20th and Hamilton. We ran up to Green and then hung a right and ran past the former Tavern on the Green, which turned itself into some foodie heaven. From there, we found that the trail went back South down 20th Street and heard the blessed call from the FRBs of “BEER NEAR!!!” and wandered into the bar formerly known as Connie’s (Gallagher’s).

After hanging out there for a few minutes, while someone berated the hares for going ¾ the way around Logan Square (someone was really peeved at this, and it wasn’t me believe it or not. What’s going to set them off next? Car not using turn signals?). The pack waited a few minutes after the hares took off and of course we ran STRAIGHT back to the bar formerly known as TA Flannerys. At one point, on Ludlow, we encountered trail again and strolled on in for…

CIRCLE:
HARES: The Former Just Steve and Red Light School District
VIRGINS: Brad: the former Arpanet made him come. Vanessa, Just Meghan made her come.
VISITOR: Just Amber (Tig old Bitties) from some hash in Florida
FIRST IN/LAST IN: Just Rick / Just Amber
CUMS LATELYS: Just John, Lauren, Randy, See Me Feel Me Touch Me (Who snuck out before circle)
AUTO HASHERS: Just John, Just Pat, Just Trish, The Horse Wacker, Just Tammy (Who conveniently arrived AFTER circle)

VIOLATIONS:
Brad: For wearing shit like that (that’s what my notes say!)
Red Light School District : For being from Manyunk
Just Meghan: For not briefing her virgin about A. New Shoes and B Just Chaz’s new shoe fetish.
Just Gabe: For forgetting his name and buying a shirt
Just JC: for having a situation in his shorts
Dave: For turning sweatpants into knickers (?)
Brad and Just Shelly: Matchy Matchy
Just Chaz: For meat gazing
Dave: For excessive whining
Just Mike and Just Brian: Just because
Red Light School District: For trying to eat out of somebody’s hand
Just John: For that Glenside home invasion

NAMING:
We had two hashers who had yet to be named, Just Dave and Just Randy. First we got Just Dave on his knees and gave him the third degree about farm animals, jock straps, his favorite position, being a Public Defender, etc. During this time, Rash kept whispering suggestions in my ear with a “OH OH” that reminded me of Horshack in “Welcome Back Kotter.” For some reason, the soon to be former Just Dave got quite vocal about hating the Dave Matthews Band, so the nominations for his name were:
Make A Hole, Make a Bigger Hole, Slow Dance Chubby, Likes Lambs, Brother of Goat Fucker (Guess who gave that suggestion), Doggy Style Not Receiving, Takes It Up The Ass Like A Lamb, Flowers In The Basement, Dave Matthews, Puts The Lotion Under Its Skin, Gets People Off, Gets Sick Fucks Off, Sex On A Keyboard, National Pornographic, Fucking Bedwetter, Fuck & Piss, Virginator, I Like Big Butts, Ass A Lone, Has An Ass For Lone, Ass For Lone, Sheep For Rent, Gay Matthews Lamb, Happy Strappy Hero Pups, and Lamb Jam. The mob voted and he shall forever (or until he can convince someone to rename him) be known as GAY MATTHEWS LAMB.

Just Randy then dropped to his knees and being a former sailor who once had someone walk in on him masturbating, received the following nominations; Ran Off To Bathroom, Shaft Divers, Poop Deck, Father Shaft, Sheep Save, Shipwreck, Shaft Inspector, Sheep Style, Father Penis, Wackus Interruptus, Sheep Sleeve, Shit Break, Down Below, Reverend Shaft, Shaft, Shut Yo Mouth, Works The Left, Shot In Hand, Rear Admiral, Semen On The Poopdeck, Deep C Diving, Chop My Bits, Salty Semen, and Upper Decker. The Mob spoke and he is now known as SEMEN ON THE POOP DECK. Welcome, both YFFs.

ANNOUNCEMENTS:

Cousin It’s Tailgate party is no longer, but will still go on without him
Sat, 25 Jun Bachelor and Bachelorette hash: fishtown (NOTE: As of press time it already happened. great time, lots of beer, and a wiffle ball contest to die for. Rear’s sister made a showing and competed with Flipper Over for who had the highest pitched scream)

Finally the circle closed and some hashers left and some stayed. For those that left you missed a wild time. I, for one can’t believe that….

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH:
“I exposed myself to children” – Rash

“He’s Taking us to see hookers & Blow” unk hasher
“I’ve got ones” Rash

“Holy shit, there’s a dimmer switch in the bathroom” – unidentified hasher

“Congratulations on your finding cancer.” Just Shelly to Just Dev

“Herpies Herpies herpies!” Found written on my notebook.

“Whatever happened to the special glasses of the Philly Full Moon?” Just Mike
“Do you have a burning desire to drink out of a penis?” Rash

“When one asshole drinks…” – unk hasher
“We’d run out of beer.” – Unk hasher

“I’ll text you my shit next time” – Just Tammy
“You can DO that? I need a newer cell phone” Just Dave
“You’re ALWAYS out of context” Red Light School District
“He’s Like Herpes, if you ignore him, he goes away.” Unk hasher

There are very few things that can bring a group of half-minds together to run and drink, a big fruit is one of them. For those of you who are new (insert “Scooby” joke here (insert “insert” joke here)), Fruit of the Clue is a notorious BFM hasher who was famous for his eccentric shorts. When we heard he was coming back to visit it was only natural that we would roll out the red carpet, or used bar rag at least. And what better place to have this wonderful event than Cherry Street Tavern

Who Came
Bonsai Bush, Broken Rod, Bumble Beaver, Can You Hear Me Now?, Cause for Blindness, Ceaser Tits, Cleavage To Beaver, Deep Discunt, Fire Down Under, Mother Down Under, Flounder, Fruit of the Clue, Grab My Handlebars, Hold the Sausage, Itemized Seduction, Jug Stains, Just Bonnie, Just Dave, Just John, Just Mary, Just Meg, Just Stacy, Just Summer, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, One Inch In, Pen is in My Ear, Rear Engineer, Scooby Snatch, She Feltafish, Short Distance Rimmer, Skin Fiddle, Sleeps Around the Cock, Sly Fox, The Rash, The S&M Man, Tits of Steel, Tube Cock, Two Clump Chump, Uncle Bad Touch, and Up Her Ali

The Trail
After a quick scolding to all who did not wear fruity shorts, the pack gathered outside to review the marks, apparently the hares should have sat in on this because the trail was difficult at best, but more on that later. I ran back to my car to get my Id and upon returning found that the pack had not found trail yet. We ran in every direction, except for the correct one, for ten minutes. Finally someone double checked a small alley and the pack was off. Now my notes are as sparse as the marks but the pack eventually made it back to the bar for what was sure to be a lively…

Circle
Hares: Fruit of the Clue, Sly Fox
Virgins: Just Sue via Just Stacy, Just John via Just Dave, Just Ellen via Fire Down Under
Visitors: None
First in/ Last in: Flounder/ Rear
Cums Lately: Fruit, Sly, She Feltafish, Up Her Ali, Just Randy, Jug Stain, Bumble Beaver, Deep Discunt, Broken Rod
Auto Hashers: She Feltafish, Pen is in my Ear, Grab my Handlebars, The Rash, Skin Fiddle, Just Meg

Accusations
Deep Discunt for hiding from being first in
One Inch In-S&M, Rear Engineer-Softcore, and Sleeps Around the Cock-Bonsai Bush- Bumble Beaver for matching
Cause for eating the trail
S&M Man for dressing like Captain America
Grab My Handlebars for having a banana on her shorts, and Bonsai, Flounder under when one person with fruit on their shorts
The Rash for getting a Royal Haircut
Just Dave for compression socks
Just Bonnie for eating in circle
Tube Cock for false advertisement
Scooby Snatch for forgetting his name
Rear and Scooby for getting into Fruit of the Clue’s shorts
Just Summer for too much junk in the trunk

Announcements
Let’s face it this is so old the only announcement that is still valid is the Philly Tailgate

Over Heard at the Hash
Rimmer “I have to take my pants off, excuse me.”

On, on,
Two Clump Chump

I stray cat showed up at my door one day and I fed him, and of course he returned. This continued for some time and then I realized that after awhile some things just become yours. This doesn’t; however, explain how I adopted the anal flashlight hash. It could be my extensive knowledge of the trails in Manayunk, or it could be my skill as a night time trail runner, or perhaps my amazing trail laying skills, no it is most likely the fact that I am the only half-mind that is willing to do it. Who else was dumb enough to show up at T Hogans:

Who Came
Can You Hear Me Now?, Cause for Blindness, Dumpster, Flounder, He’s a Lesbian, Hold the Sausage, Just Andrea, Just Bonnie, Just Eleanor, Just Erica, Just Jill, Just Lauren, Just Stacy, Just Suz, Midnight Tranny to GA, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, One Inch In, Post Anal Drip, Rear Engineer, Scooby Snatch, She Feltafish, Short Distance Rimmer, Swollen Cockpit, Tickle My Elmo, Tube Cock, Two Clump Chump, and Where’s My Vagina?


The Trail
Only an obnoxious on-sec would brag about a trail that they laid, I won’t be doing that because anyone who was there knows how great it was. But in case you weren’t, I will recap. After a brief chalk talk, the trail went down the steps to the train station, only to go back up again. Up the hill for a few blocks to the hundred steps with a false that fooled no one. Through the trails we meandered until we hit a very special mark; an Easter Basket. What does this mean? The hare dropped his Passover Easter Eggs, and Cause was more than eager to pick them up. On we continued until we came across a golf course, surprisingly there were no underage kids drinking or fornicating, although we did lose a few hashers… After exiting the course the pack arrived at the beer check which was at none other than, you guessed it, my backyard. We drank a few beers and waited for the remaining hashers to roll in. As the fire pit died down, the pack departed to the bar for:

Circle
Hares: Two Clump Chump
Virgins: Just Erica and Just Andrea via One Inch In, Just Stacy and Just Suz via The internet, Just Jill via Swollen Cockpit
Visitors: None
First in/ Last in: Flounder/ Cause
Cums Lately: She Feltafish, Dumpster, J Eleanor
Auto Hashers: Lesbian, Post Anal Drip, Just Lauren
Accusations
One Inch In for his virgin wearing a racing shirt
Where’s My Vagina and Softcore for matching
Cause for false boobies
She Feltafish for not eating any fish during Passover
2 Clump for leaving an Easter Egg Check
Tube Cock for doing something inappropriate (I didn’t think there was such a thing at the hash) and Swollen Cockpit under when one cock drinks
Midnight Tranny for a racist shirt (what are you new)

Announcements :
Let’s face it this is so old the only announcement that is still valid is the Philly Tailgate

Over Heard at the Hash
Cause “I like Vagina’s Socks.”
Rear “I like Vagina.”

Just Bonnie “Ewe, you got some on me…”

On, on,
Two Clump Chump

Initially, I was overjoyed. Finally, I could show up, semi on time for the hash and NOT drive around for three hours looking for a parking spot. I had been trying to get my cousin (A Sergeant in the 3rd District) to join us for a while, and this time he had no excuse. That is until he said, “You know that’s a Pagan hangout, right?” Um, no, I didn’t and having been outside the country for a flippin year I could have cared less. I had more pressing concerns, like where I could get good internet porn and bootleg copies of movies that didn’t have a shadow of a theatre go-er standing up and the subtitles were NOT in Cyrillic. No matter, this place had a parking spot, and since I wasn’t going to make Prom (I had to wash my hair), this might be my last hurrah for a bit. So, I cruised up Passyunk and pulled right in, happy as a clam.

Imagine my surprise at the large number of hashers from the Philly Hash who showed up. Probably because the Triangle has been the host to many a Philly Hash (and BFM). And the bar has been renovated, it almost looks respectable. Although I miss the safety rails they used to have there to separate the 1-foot high deck. Sigh, life changes. One thing didn’t, and that was the clientele inside. I walked in and was greeted by a woman who sounded like one of Marge Simpson’s sisters. She’s been smoking for years, and caution be damned, but her lung is great. She had been hacking, er I mean talking up Just Randy who had shown up for the Hash at 6:30 PM. Yes, you read right. Hmm, Cums Early sounds like a good hash name for him.

SHAPELY HASHERS: Hold The Sausage, Just Meg, Short Distance Rimmer, Working Girl, Sleeps Around The Cock, Just Randy, Sternum And Rectum, Flipper Over, Just Lauren, Dry Hump, Teflon, 3 Balls, Son Of A Goatfucker, Hoo High, Just Sue, Just Victor, Just Dayna, Twinkle Toe Ho, Soft Core Analyst, Tits of Steel, Where’s My Vagina, Just Dave, Can You Hear Me Now, He’s A Lesbian, Grab My Handlebars, Penis In My Ear, Just Stacy, and Two Clump Chump

Sausage handed out straws and 3 Balls proudly snatched the shorty. A groan filled the room of those knowing hashers because…

TRAIL:
A 3 Balls trail has a lot of traditions, First, it is usually just shy of a Bataan Death March, and Second, you really need to try to find it. This one was no exception. Off we ran, West on Reed, even taking the side Reed, and straight across Broad St into the Point Breeze section. Now for those uninitiated to the city, Point Breeze is a area where you play Good Block Bad Block, and Bad Block usually wins. At a certain point, trail just stopped, we all assumed that 3 Balls realized exactly how far he strayed into Bad Block, and since he lives on a farm, the “inner city” landscape made his white ass forget to put in an X.

After about 20 minutes of looking, (Which is about 19 minutes and 30 seconds longer than the attention span of our group), someone found trail and we ran South down Broad. Near Dickinson, we found an F facing the wrong direction, and ran down Carlisle and discovered a huge explosion of Flour had taken place 15th & Tasker. At first we thought that one of the wildly careening cars driven by nonlicensed drivers had smacked poor 3 Balls, but there were no blood stains, only a HUGE pile of flour, so we CSIed that 3 Balls must have dropped the bag. Turns out that Sausage STILL has not fixed her damn hole and we were right. Someone suggested they taste it to make sure it was flour, (The powder, not her hole, you sick bastard) but since it could have been coke, we didn’t. The last person to do something like that turned bald and fat and thought he was funny.

We ran back down Broad again, and lost Trail at Broad and Passyunk. For some reason Can You Hear Me Now ran NORTH on Broad, screaming “On On” only to be briefed that we had already found that trail and had in fact run down it no more than 5 min before. In a fit of exasperation, Hoo High ran further down Broad and couldn’t find anything except a subway, and even though she had a suspicion the trail MIGHT go down there, being the good Government Worker that she is, kept that tidbit to herself, much like an INS agent stamping Mohammed Atta’s VISA request so he can attend flight school.

So we stood around trying to figure out what to do for about what seemed like hours (it was 5 min), and we headed up Passyunk back to the Triangle. S&M Man led a bunch into the Adobe to either check for green cards or an impromptu beer check, I don’t know. We arrived back at the Triangle in what is almost tied for the SHORTEST TRAIL EVER (1.64 mi), to find 3 Balls. When he found out we didn’t finish his trail, a sad look crossed his face, like a kid who opens a Christmas present to find clothes, and he ran back to find lost hashers, assuming that we were too stupid to remember how to get back. (actually this decision of his could be based on sound judgment, but I digress). Interestingly enough, the trail we did run turned out to BE the shape of a Triangle, woohoo. http://www.everytrail.com/view_trip.php?trip_id=1121506

The bartender at the Triangle was REALLY happy to see us and actually set up a spread of food, which looked like almost like a Trailer Park Wedding Buffet….Hot dogs, baby carrots, hoagies, oh my. We chowed down on health food, and since Where’s My Vagina was looking for herself, I used my combat tested command presence to tell Hoo High to collect hash cash for no other reason than she was closest and made the mistake of making eye contact with me. When I told her to get hash Cash, she gave me that loving look a woman gives, when you throw them in your basement freezer.

Finally, 3 Balls came wandering back, accompanied by the remainder of the hashers, including Soft Core Analyst who swore he was on trail, even though his heartbeat was surprisingly calm, despite me feeling him up. Perv. Two Clump also snuck in, wearing a shirt and tie and quickly left when one of the Bikers said he looked like a Fed. Flipper Over then got nauseous because Marge’s Sister breathed on her and gave her secondhand lung cancer and had to leave, with Just Lauren escorting her out, saying they were going to watch “Vampires Kiss “ and “A League of Their Own” together. (Yep, time to start THAT rumor) The beers were poured a quarter way into the 8 oz sized cups (yet another sign of the pussification of the BFM) and we started a rather shapeless…

CIRCLE:
HARES: 3 Balls
VIRGINS: Just Dayna (Twinkle Toe Ho made her come)
VISITOR: Teflon (Since he moved to Albuquerque )
FIRST IN/LAST IN: Just Matt / Working Girl (Happens when he doesn’t wear pumps)
CUMS LATELYS: Dry Hump, Twinkle Toe Ho, Son Of A Goatfucker, Working Girl, and 3 Balls
AUTO HASHERS: Just Meghan, Two Clump (who snuck out) Where’s My Vagina (Who really looked forlorn that she couldn’t do Hash Cash due to her tardiness) and just Sue
BIRTHDAY SIDE SIDE: Just Meghan and Son of A Goatfucker

VIOLATIONS:
Tits of Steel and Just Meghan: For something unreadable
Just Meg: For falling down stairs (“alone or in pairs”) in a strange house trying to do the walk of shame (At least that’s my assumption, and I could be wrong, and frequently am)
3 Balls: For Biffing and leaving a chalk outline of himself
Penis In My Ear: For beer poaching (I’m sorry, but isn’t this acceptable?
Just Randy: For coming an hour early
Son Of A Goatfucker: For bumping into a 7-foot high ceiling fan.
Soft Core Analyst: For showering at S&M Man’s house (and not inviting him and Cleavage to join in)
Dry Hump and Grab My Handlebars: Just because.

ANNOUNCEMENTS:
June 9th: PROM PROM PROM PROM
May 2012: Bay To Breakers
THIS SUMMER: The everyone EXCEPT Cousin It‘s Tailgate Party
PHILLY HASH has moved to Tuesdays

With that, the circle closed and I got a text message from my cousin asking how many members of the __ were in the bar. I then noticed the red diamond on a the chests of a few members (1 %ers) and since I had to be up at 0400 anyway, I decided it would be a good time to leave. I got in my truck and my cousin scared the shit out of me by smacking on the driver side window, “You stupid fuck! I told you the bar’s under surveillance!” I replied that no, he had merely said it was a Pagan hangout and I didn’t see any Pagans, only __. I was then given an impromptu lecture on the motorcycle gang hyarchy in the Philadelphia area. Now these guys aren’t very violent compared to a North Philly gang, I’m sure there’s no problem there, but here’s a word of advice. When the cop member of your hash, who is notorious for staying till the last second at a hash trying to put the moves on any female hasher who smiles at him, gets a text message and suddenly is one of the first to leave, you might want to look around. It was OK, however, no one was hurt, but if anyone has seen Two-Clump….

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH:
“Random Woman, Walking Teddy Bear in Stroller.” – Just Lauren, reacting to South Philly

“Lesbian did something wrong, so keep it in your bra.” – Hold the Sausage to Where’s My Vagina

“I’ve been smoking for 30 years and my lung feels great. Hey, where ya’s goin, honey? Commere” Marge’s Sister to Flipper Over

Yes, the news is full of a strange mathematical prediction that has the world ending on Saturday, 21 May sometime during the day. Not wanting to miss a deadline and get the last word in, I better get this trash done NOW. Yes, we’ve all had our scares of events causing the world to end; Y2K, 9/11, Cause and Flounder hooking up, HAL getting laid, Bin Laden being finally caught, and now the possible Rapture. And while we all laugh at it, part of us, deep down inside, asks, “Holy shit, what if they’re RIGHT?” Boy, will we look embarrassed.

The damn hash was being held within 24 hours of Philadelphia actually experiencing a flippin Tornado, and at a bar that had previously thrown us out. Apparently, according to whispers, there is actually a Bad list of places we are NEVER to go to, and McKenna’s is on there. So, I drove the black beast all through Fairmount, arriving a half hour early and spending the next thirty minutes driving around looking for a flippin parking spot. There was a reason I left that neighborhood. I walked in to see Skin Fiddle already there, talking about bracketing a woman walking in the same direction. In yet another sign of the approaching apocalypse, STACKS was there as well. But, with the overwhelming smell of good weed there, at least we would be raptured happy, but hungry.

FINAL HASHERS?: Hold The Sausage, Just Meg, Short Distance Rimmer, Where’s My Vagina, Just Eliza, Just Dave, Can You Hear Me Now, He’s A Lesbian, Doctor Squealgood, Grab My Handlebars, Penis In My Ear, One Inch In, Skin Fiddle, Stacks, Just Matt, Just Mary, Just Stacy, Just Brad, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Two Clump Chump, Just Brian, and Just Angela

Sausage handed out straws and Just Mary ended up getting the shorty. Since she’s new and didn’t know the neighborhood, Where’s My Vagina decided to help out, and off they ran into the rain.

TRAIL:
After a brief instruction by One Inch In, off we went, down 24th St, turning and running halfway up Aspen, and then back down again as someone found the trail heading off in the other direction. During this time, Two Clump and PIME entertained themselves by shaking each and every tree they ran by, thus dousing whoever ran underneath it.
We ran down Aspen and up 27th to my old neighborhood, where Joe, the bartender at Krupas, saw us coming and squealed with delight, thinking we’d be in to drink his beer and fill his pockets. Sadly it was an unlabeled False Beer Near. The look he gave us was reminiscent of my old dog’s face when I would leave for work, so very sad. Now, having hashed in Fairmount before, I should have remembered that when you head in this direction, there is only one place to go, and I should have torn off down in the doggy park and chased down our hares as they neared the Art Museum., but NOOOOOOO, I decided to only do the quick shortcut over the foot bridge crossing the railroad tracks, into a darkened Fairmount Park, and up the back side of the art museum. The vicious two then set the trail up that damn hill near the gazebo overlooking the waterworks and across the little footbridge and then back down the hill. My fat ass hit terminal velocity and I zoomed passed Just Dave, who looked really scared that I would crash into him.

We ran under the Spring Garden bridge, near where gay guys used to meet before they paved the trail (Don’t ask how I know this, lets just say that I had a very weird day mountain biking there back in 96), and up, hugging the Ben Franklin Parkway towards 22nd Street. I was so sure they were headed to the Cherry Street Tavern, I veered off course and completely forgot about Flanagan’s, until I saw the pack headed North instead of South. So, I joined them and we wound up in Flanagan’s for the beer stop. While we sat and BSed, we found out that McKenna’s was having Quizzo that night. Our initial plan was to head back there, and since we have a trove of experts in useless knowledge (Skin Fiddle, Myself, Rimmer, Sausage spring to mind), we would RULE there.

No such luck.

The hares tried to lay a nice trail heading in the wrong direction, but I immediately ran straight up the Parkway, up 24th and back to the bar. The rest of the pack arrived a few minutes later in the side door, which apparently confused Just Meg, who showed she was a great political aid by asking where the hell she was. (Oh and she also know about Aaaahnold’s love child either. Nice.) Quizzo was going on, and we interrupted it by forming a bucket brigade of beer glass carriers since McKenna’s ran out of pitchers. After a while, we were wondering when exactly we would start circle. Stacks got tired of waiting and snuck out. According to One Inch In, the game was still going on, and he had to wait to start the circle because he was being polite. POLITE?!?! WTF! Sounds like a case of Pussyitis to me. Check your urine, is it pink? Finally, right before sunrise it was time for….

CIRCLE:
HARES: Just Mary, Where’s My Vagina (With He’s A Lesbian as a Designated Drinker for WMV)
VIRGINS: Just Brad, (Just Stacy made him come), Just Angela and Just Brian (Just Meg made them both come)
FIRST IN/LAST IN: He’s A Lesbian / Penis In My Ear
CUMS LATELYS: Just Frank
HAT:
AUTO HASHERS: Skin Fiddle, Just Angela, and Just Brian
BIRTHDAY SIDE SIDE: One Inch In

VIOLATIONS:
Where’s My Vagina for not being there to drink, and Just Mary under the “When one Hare drinks” rule
Just Meg: For telling Just Angela NOT to give the option, no matter how badly we beg
Penis In My Ear and Two Clump Chump: For getting the female hashers wet the WRONG Way
Two Clump, PIME, and Hold the Sausage: For Matchy Matchy
The Virgins: Because we had way too much beer and needed to get rid of it.

ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Full Moon H3: Fri May 20th at the bar formerly known as TA Flannerys
June 9th: PROM PROM PROM PROM

With that, the hash went out and Up Her Ali showed up with Clifford the Big Red Dog. All the females there, squealed “Oh a puppy” and went to pet it. Sadly, the dog was nervous, as if he sensed something that might happen soon. No matter, on Saturday we all we-

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH:
“I did the hare.” –Tranny
“Wouldn’t your fiancé get upset with that?” –Rimmer
“DIG! DIG!” –Tranny

“Are We on something?” – Sausage

“People assume that if you have a dog that you know where you are.” –Rimmer

“I have ultraviolet shit on my cock”- One Inch In