Posted on July 22, 2004
22 July 2004: Sarah Cunter is still gone, so these days it’s been the butts and dust of Scooby Snatch and, now, Drag Queen, which have become woefully familiar to the glazed eyes of the Ben Franklin Mob. But tonight other chronic FRBs showed: Full Moon GM, Gomez, BFM two-timer, Sasquatch, and a rare import, the Blue Mooning * Grab Bag.
Almost everyone bought beer before tonight’s run, which started and ended at Paddy’s, located on Race between 2nd and 3rd Streets. No one brought flour, though, which makes sense, because you can’t drink flour. But Rash brought blue carpenter’s chalk and a tennis ball. After years of obsessively hoarding these items in large quantities, she finally has a way to dispose of them, week by week.
When flour was purchased nearby, Bastard Child suggested that only a pinch of blue chalk be mixed in, because when flour is mixed too blue it’s hard to see as the sun goes down. Chef Bastard Child’s recipe was followed. Bastard Child, a real Betty Crocker, also served the straws. It was a mini-riot of hands, straws, and spilled beer. Jump Start pulled the shorty and disappeared in a puff of light blue powder. Five minutes later the mob followed. Self Service remained behind to keep an eye on the mob’s bags and the bartender.
Jump Start’s trail yanked the mob left, right, and every which way through Old City’s cobble stoned alleys. But near Penn’s Landing Sasquatch came in from behind and de-floured her, making Sasquatch the night’s second hare. Someone tried to photograph him running off, but he ran too quickly to get a clear shot.
Sasquatch’s trail went west through Washington Square, back east into Independence National Historical Park, and then detoured sharply back west. Maybe Sasquatch detoured when he realized he was throwing flour on heavily guarded federal property. What made him realize this? Perhaps it was that tall, fenced-in, colonial red brick building with a clock on top that people in these parts call “Independence Hall.”
His wise detour took the mob into Chinatown. As your correspondent walked along with Cunting Season and the new (and now, only) Just Brian, Just Brian spotted a silhouette barreling down a cross street one block north of the Chinatown Arch. Seconds later Gomez was spotted running the same way. It was the FRBs! We followed. But suddenly trail disappeared, and everyone stood around huffing and puffing. Then before everyone’s eyes the hare zipped from some hole and zapped away through a small side alley. He had been hiding, but now he was trapped. The whole mob was on hare.
Seconds later the FRBs were running down the hare about a block away, like cheetahs chasing a gazelle on the Nature Channel. This time Drag Queen did the de-flouring, and he bounded off. Instead of giving Drag Queen five minutes head start, Scooby Snatch suggested the mob wait only long enough for Drag Queen to turn the corner. That seemed like a good idea, inasmuch as nobody was clutching their chest or seizing on the ground, so when Drag Queen’s foot disappeared, the mob took off.
Drag Queen ran, unmolested, down Race Street back toward Paddy’s. By now the flour was all but gone, requiring the Queen to tap the flour bag against fire hydrants, lampposts, and building walls in order to coax the remainder out. About two block from Paddy’s, the FRBs intercepted him, but he had no flour left. And what does a hash do without flour? Everyone staggered back to the bar. We had been virtually sprinting continuously for over a half hour. To keep up with so many FRBs you need to be fleet of foot and thick of head. Heavy doses of beer were in order.
The all-male all-star auto-hashing team was waiting: Little Fucking Winkie, Lunar Digit, and Skin Fiddle. The First Rash-ional Bank collected hash cash, and Rich the bartender filled pitchers. In time, a sweaty Cause for Blindness stumbled in, having arrived to Paddy’s late but still determined to run trail, which she did. She praised Sasquatch for laying a giant check next to the Constitution Center. Late cumming auto hashers included Cousin It, Dead Head, and Just Morgan, who has somehow managed to sober up since last week at Bonner’s.
Despite the continued and regrettable absence of Wolfman Jackoff (where the &%$*!@ is that bastid, anyway?), the mob managed to circle up in the alley next to the bar. Each hare was given the opportunity to hear what the mob thought of his and her trail: shitty, shitty, and shitty. Virgin Just Kevin disappeared, so Just Elizabeth, who made him come, did a proxy down-down. Bets on whether he returns? Sarah was there via cell, and the mob gave her a big BFM hello. Scooby did a number of solos as he resolutely continued to teach the mob hash songs.
Grab Bag did a BFM virgin down-down, and Jump Start did a down-down for something (can’t remember – beer fog) besides being a hare. Since she had been a hare, all hares had to do a down-down. Gomez also did a down-down for something, so all GMs had to do a down-down, which put Winkie in the middle as well. Fortunately there are no such rules for imbeciles, lunatics, and meatheads, or no beer would be left after the first down-down. Speaking of beer, Cousin It made an announcement for the Phillies tailgate he’s arranging for Saturday, August 28th **.
The circle disbanded, and back inside Sly Fox used two hair bands to put on a hair fashion show: she did pig tails, the “medusa,” the spout from the top, the spout from the side, and finally settled with the pig tails, which, said Just Bill, along with her red checkered top, gave her the “Hee Haw” look. Later Sly was perched on a bar stool surrounded by dudes.
And the mob drank on. Shitty trails. It was an FRBevening.
Denouncements:
*Blue Moon Hash: date: 31 july; location: 5 points in bethlehem, pa:
** Phillies Game / Tailgate Party: Saturday, August 28. It is a night game (7:05) against Milwaukee.
- This is an All-Hash event. Hashers from any Hash are welcome.
- The tailgate will cost $5. Everyone liked the tailgate last year and it will be even better this year. If you are curious, ask someone who went last year: B&E, Cousin It, Clorineman, Plunge & Puke, Comes Early, Crib Snatcher, E=MyCock^2, Handjob, Jaguar, Jubal, Just Janet, Rock Hard, Strap-on, Target, Teflon, Just Wyatt, Just Mom, Baby Huey, Just Nate, Mary F. Poppins, Butt Head, Devil Woman, Late Cummer, Just Gwen, Dry Hump, and others.
