BFM #24

Posted on August 5, 2004

Note: Though I was not present, and therefore witnessed none of what follows, I conducted several interviews and report the following based on those interviews. Every fact has been confirmed by at least two independent sources.

5 August 2004: Tonight the mob regrouped at the Blarney Stone, 39th & Sansom Streets, home of alcoholic college students and 25-cent beers. Sarah Cunter made a surprise return appearance to retrieve a speculum she left behind last time the mob was there. The bartenders had kept it in the lost and found box, which the mob discovered contained other hasher belongings, including Spankin’s penis piercin’, Strap On’s bunny suit, and Limp Man Toy’s sneakers. Unfortunately Bastard Child decided to remove all three items from the box and put them on. Later there was a naming.

Sly Fox was present, urgently investigating who stole her bed when the mob recently helped her move. Someone accused Lunar Digit because he had been seeking a bed for his new place. But Lunar Digit, who actually showed up to run tonight, denied the charge, even after Sly wrestled him to the ground and forced him to drink a six-pack of PBR. Nearby, college students were looking sideways at Where’s Dildo?, who for some reason thought tonight was the Green Dress Run. Later there was a naming.

Self Service, who brought her famous snare drum, did a drum roll as the straws were drawn. It was Bitchard who drew the short one, making him the first BFM hare with an English accent. He and Thunder Thighs had been absent lately because they were attending “running camp,” which is like Winkie and Skin Fiddle attending “drinking camp.” But tonight the Bitchard was back, and he ran off with the Boo Berry colored flour. The mob heard him singing "Rule Brittania" as he faded from earshot. Later there was a naming.

About five minutes later the mob moved en masse out the door and immediately tripped en masse over Dancing Fool, who was bending over rescuing an empty. Mobbers went down like fish dumped from a net. Cunting Season and Tastes Like Chicken both fell on top of Lunar Digit, who said, “shweet!” Master Baster and Skin Fiddle fell on top of Scooby Snatch, who said, “ruh roh!” Dancing Fool plucked cans from the hands of anyone still holding one, and disappeared. Echoing back through the alleys, Bitchard’s voice was now heard singing, “Anarchy in the UK." Later there was a naming.

Scooby, Drag Queen, Sasquatch, and E=My Cock Squared were the first to their feet and off following trail, jostling each other, vying to be FRB. Strap On scooted through them all and quickly took the lead. Thunder Thighs saw flour and trilled, “On On,” like a caffeinated cockatoo. Just Bill, a.k.a. Mouth Full of Chicken, had no comment. Cause for Blindness, who wasn’t there, wasn’t there. Later there was a naming.

Bitchard led the mob south, into the wilds of Gray’s Ferry, leaving generous heaps of blue flour along the way. Rash was spotted with a brush and dustpan, sweeping each pile back into a bag, presumably for use next week. Rumor has it, though, that she likes to lay trail around her home neighborhood, when she is alone, at all hours of the night, naked. If you ever see blue flour on the streets of Haverford, you’ll know there’s a Rash somewhere near. Later there was a naming.

Cunting Season, Skin Fiddle, and Tastes Like Chicken briefly lost the pack, but found their way back by following the voice of Cousin It, who they heard inviting strangers to join his Phillies Tailgate Party, Saturday, August 28. Apparently someone in the neighborhood who overheard him thought he was scalping Phillies tickets and called the police. The vice squad showed up and blocked off three city blocks, searching for the tickets on the ground. As the police hustled him into the wagon, Cousin It was heard inviting his captors to join his Phillies Tailgate Party, Saturday, August 28. After the wagon pulled away, Tastes Like Chicken posed for a photo with two rookies. Later there was a naming.

Elsewhere in Gray’s Ferry, Bitchard left a “Beer Near” mark next to a neighborhood dive. Delighted by the prospect of a live hare beer check, the mob piled inside. Inside, however, the angry bartender demanded payment for the beers Bitchard had drunk ten minutes earlier without paying. Nobody had cash, so the mob volunteered the virgins for dishwasher duty. Since the virgins would be washing dishes anyway, Master Baster, Cunting Season, and Sly Fox decided to have a few beers for themselves before returning to trail. Dancing Fool reappeared briefly, took their emptys, and disappeared. Just Bill, a.k.a. Mouth Full of Chicken, had no comment. Later there was a naming.

All but four hashers were unable to complete the trail, mainly because Rash had returned most of it to her bag. Wolfman Jackoff auto hashed in and formed a circle in the alley next to Paddy’s. Realizing no one was there, not even Girly Man, he called Sly Fox to find out where to go. A little later he arrived at the Blarney Stone, where he re-formed the circle, but this time with people aside from himself. Little Fucking Winkie came in via trolley, making him the BFM’s first ever trolley hasher. Somehow he got the trolley to drop him off right in front of the Blarney Stone, even though there are no trolley tracks on Sansom Street. Later there was a naming.

In the circle the FRBs and DFLs did down downs, as did Bitchard for laying shitty trail. Scooby Snatch led the circle in singing obscure medieval drinking songs that only he knew, including his favorite, "I Needeth Edith, But Edith Needeth Mead." Self Service kept everyone in tune with her kazoo. Others did down downs for various pointless reasons, and everyone’s liver got a good workout. The fornicating Just Morgan showed up late. Later there was a naming.

Deep cover intelligence, via torture, which included endless video loops of political conventions from years pabst, uncovered exactly what Just Bill, a.k.a. Mouth Full of Chicken, does during the daylight hours. What he revealed forced the mob to name his ass, and so it did. In this way, Winkie, with the power vested in him by the Omnipotent State of Intoxication, and the annexed territory of Stupifaction, named his ass, "Nut Cruncher." If you were not there, and you wonder why, then, at your own risk, you must find out.

The evening took a turn for the worse when the mob started playing nude Twister, which pretty much closed down the bar.

Denouncement:

Phillies Game / Tailgate Party: Saturday, August 28. It is a night game (7:05) against Milwaukee.

This is an All-Hash event. Hashers from any Hash are welcome.

The tailgate will cost $5. Everyone liked the tailgate last year and it will be even better this year. If you are curious, ask someone who went last year: B&E, Cousin It, Clorineman, Plunge & Puke, Comes Early, Crib Snatcher, E=MyCock^2, Handjob, Jaguar, Jubal, Just Janet, Rock Hard, Strap-on, Target, Teflon, Just Wyatt, Just Mom, Baby Huey, Just Nate, Mary F. Poppins, Butt Head, Devil Woman, Late Cummer, Just Gwen, Dry Hump, Curly, Larry, Moe, Manny, Moe, Jack, Tom, Dick, Harry, and others.

If anyone reading this does not know what "Boo Berry" is, then you can learn all about it at this page. Note that the whackjob who made this page actually posted his photo.

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