BFM #48
Posted on January 20, 2005
20 February 2005: Thursday the Mob went to Ray’s Happy Birthday Bar, 1200 E. Passyunk Avenue, which is deeper into South Philadelphia than the Mob has ever gone before. Above Ray’s front door is a sign which proclaims, “Proudly Serving Pabst,” indicating that Ray’s would probably be a hash-friendly bar, which it was.
Wolfman Jackoff, Tastes Like Chicken, Just Bob, Sly Fox, Crusty Calves, Strap On, Rash, E=MC2, Just Hannah, Scooby Snatch, Just Shelly, and Sloppy Seconds were there, as was Beer Sucks, who when she arrived told us that Bastard Child was on the way. So instead of drawing straws, the Mob decided to tell Bastard Child that only the short straw was left, and that it was his. When Bastard Child arrived, he learned he was the hare, grumbled good naturedly, took the bag, and took off.
The numerous side alleys and the angled Passyunk Avenue made for good hashing country, especially with Bastard Child’s zigzagging trail, which wasn’t too hard to find. So the Mob sprint through it, stopping only to read the giant words Bastard scrawled on the sidewalk outside a meat store, “MMMM FATTY,” which referred to the meat inside, and “TLC,” which referred to Tastes Like Chicken, whose family used to own a store in the vicinity.
At the store where Bastard wrote these words, there was a sign advertising “Tur-Duc-En,” which Rash explained is a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken (it might be the other way around, not sure.) Each of them is fine by itself, so it’s unclear why they need to be combined. But there is clearly a demand for Tur-Duc-En. Currently, certain poultry farms are conducting graft-breeding experiments to make Tur-Duc-En occur naturally.
The Mob made its way back to Ray’s, though without Strap On and E, who mysteriously disappeared on trail. At Ray’s, everyone grouped around the front door, no one wanting to be “First In,” which is odd, and then after people starting going in, there was a struggle against being “Last In,” which is also odd. Wolfman turned out to be First In, and Last In wasn’t determined until later.
Tony the bartender set us up in the back room, where he set us up with two pitchers. The Mob had to pace its drinking, though, because the bar only had two pitchers. Tony rivaled McGillin’s Free Beer Tomorrow in welcoming the hash – he bought the Mob a round of pitchers and two pizzas.
Soon the auto hashing Cause for Blindness showed up, and a few minutes later E and Strap On came in; everyone assumed they (E and Strap On) were having what Scooby called “a murky moment” on trail, and no one chose to believe their explanation for why they were missing, which was that they got separated and lost. Later, Little Fucking Winkie arrived, claiming to have run trail, but no one chose to believe him either.
Wolfman convened the circle and the Mob heaped what was due on Bastard Child. First In, who was Wolfman, and Last in, who might have been E or Winkie, were next, followed by auto hashers, who included the Cause and, maybe, Winkie. Then there were accusations which are now hidden by the beer fog. And then someone chose a peculiar – weirdly McCarthyite - reason for singling people out in the circle: since we were in South Philadelphia, all Italians in the group were made to step inside the circle and do down downs. They included E, Just Shelly, Tastes Like Chicken, and Sloppy Seconds, though there was some controversy over whether Sloppy really qualified.
Then came namings, three in all. Just Shelly, who is a vegetarian, was named “Hold the Sausage,” bringing her into the sorority of consumable hashers, which also includes Tastes Like Chicken and Beer Sucks. The next one named was Just Hannah, who is in the pace maker business and thus named “Mechanical Love Machine.” Finally Just Bob was named “Porn BrokeHer,” for reasons that are unclear, though they have something to do with the fact that he’s in the financial industry. Later everyone went out for Tur-Duc-En to celebrate.
And in that way the Mob continued…
On on.
Announcements:
Rash will produce t-shirts for the Mob’s first birthday hash – February 17, 2005.
The BFM Mismanagement Election (aka Mob Rule) – is almost here. Remember: shameless campaigning is what democracy is all about!
Nominations begin – BFM 50 – Feb 3
Voting begins – BFM51 – Feb 10
Results announced – BFM 52 – Feb 17
Filed Under Trash |
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