BFM #76 - The Hare Can Sing
Posted on August 4, 2005
4 August 2005: Approaching one half year into the Reign of Rash, the Ben Franklin Mob Rash Rouse Rarriers returned to Bonner’s, 23rd & Sansom, to do its worst. As usual, the bartenders happily took the cash and reluctantly took the lunacy. A variety of virgins and visitors appeared, along with some well known local miscreants the Mob hadn’t seen in some time. The Rash wasn’t there cause she was Cancuning.
The Orlando-bound Cuntanamo brought a virgin named Just Ethan. Cuntra, a recent and welcome addition to the Mob, brought her man. AKA was here on furlough from the Reading Hash. And there was Penis Envy, in from St. Paul, Minnesota, the state which also spawned Little Fucking Winkie, who is currently crusading in Turkey.
Also present were Just Christine, who I’m Cumming made come to the BFM last week, and Just Annie, who’s housemates with Philly H3 hasher, Sweet Cheeks.
And the Mob saw the happy return of Lunar Digit, back from his European travels, which included hashing with hashes in Prague and Vienna – (hashing is everywhere, like beer). The Mob also saw the reemergence of the quite naughty yet so very nice Cunting Season. Other incorrigibles present included Hold the Sausage, Fur Snatcher, Pound it In, Skin Fiddle, Cheep Show, Tinkerbell, Dancing Queen, and your erstwhile correspondent (at least, I think that was me).
Oral Offender drew the short straw outside the bar. Graciously she waited for Cuntanamo and Ethan, who were running late. After they arrived, she shooed everyone back inside so no one would see where she would start trail. And inside the Mob went. But the ever-naughty Cunting Season peeked. “Five” minutes later, when the Mob burst from the bar, the lovely Ms. Season pointed “that-a-way.”
And that-a-way the Mob went – running on feet, jumping on pogo sticks, strutting on stilts, gunning turbo-charged baby carriages, and swerving wildly in bathtubs-on-wheels. The Mob overran a team of street-curlers, who held onto their brooms to the very last.
Trail went in more directions than there are points on the compass. The Offender actually used the flour, which she reputedly failed to do last time she laid trail. Her trail this time was largely follow-able, and remarkable for its huge number of falses. On one of them she added insult to injury by writing “FalseYFF.” Th’bastid.
There were hashers who weren’t at Bonner’s but somehow appeared suddenly on trail, running along with the rest: Li’l Red Riding Wood, E=My Cock Squared, and Strap On. In time, of course, E was running ahead of the rest, except for Tinkerbell. And there was a long way to run. Few blocks in center city north went untouched by O2’s blue flour trail.
On trail, the flour led a cadre of knuckleheads up a vertical garage ramp while the rest of the Mob simply found the garage’s other street-level opening and avoided the uphill. The knuckleheads included Dancing Queen, Hold the Sausage, Pound it In, and your correspondent. It was a real “d’oh!” moment (a d’ohment). On ons from the street below led us down to where we needed to g’oh.
In time, the Mob made it back to the bar, more or less in one peace. Cunting Season collected cash, and everyone collected beer-filled cups. E corralled the circle into the back room – where the Mob belongs – and used the hare to demonstrate to the virgins just how down downs are done. Then E hauled in the virgins and visitors, who did what they had to do. Then came Tinkerbell and the last ins, and then E welcomed back Cunting Season, AKA, and Lunar Digit from their hashus interrupti.
Accusations were leveled against Team Parking Garage, as well as the person who vominated at Cheep Show’s recent soiree. (The vominator’s identity is lost in the beer fog.) Penis Envy was thrown into the dock for voicing his disapproval of these accusations – th’visiting bastid - what noiv. Throughout the sorry spectacle, E introduced the Mob to a variety of new songs which were fun and thematically cunnilingual (funnilingual).
Before the circle ended, E got all Cousin It on us and announced that there will be a tailgate at the Phillies game later this month. O2 announced that she will be having a party, prompting an all-too-brief meow match with Cheep Show. The circle ended and karaoke began. Cousin It showed up later on, and all was good.
The BFM “talent” pool has improved immensely since the Mob first started insulting Bonner’s with its presence. O2 made a name for herself – the hare can sing. Here’s what people sang – this list is mostly true:
Fur Snatcher, “Follow You Down,” by Gin Blossoms
Dancing Queen, “Dancing Queen,” by ABBA
Oral Offender, “What’s Going On?” by Four Non Blondes
Skin Fiddle, “Rhinestone Cowboy” by Glen Campbell
E=My Cock Squared, “Ring of Fire,” by Johnny Cash
Lunar Digit, “Great Milenko,” by Insane Clown Posse
Penis Envy, “Suspicious Minds,” by Elvis Presley
Oral Offender, “You Oughta Know,” by Alanis Morrisette
And the Mob went in Piece.
___________________
Can You Hear Me Now?
Filed Under Trash |
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