BFM #84 - This is Where Chivalry Gets You
Posted on September 29, 2005
29 September 2005: Look, I’m writing this while I’m watching "101 Things Removed From the Human Body" so if I should get a little off track here, you’ll know why. So far there have been a bunch of unintentionally hilarious quotes of the “I’ve seen a lot of things but never THAT” variety, but my favorite is still:
"My advice to someone considering inserting a rectal foreign body would be: ‘don’t do it.’"
Which is really fine advice for almost any situation. You should probably write that down. Yeah, you.
And speaking of other things you probably shouldn’t do, Thursday night was a lovely night for a hash. A number of hashers converged on the ever-popular Bonner’s - Big Tackle, Can You Hear Me Now?, Hold the Sausage, Just Eric, Just Greg, Just Mike, Just Dave, Just Jason, Just Mike - a virgin who sensibly escaped before the circle, Little F*cking Winkie - who did not come to hash, but to eat dinner, the lazy FF — Skin Fiddle, Cunting Season, Strap On, E = My Cock Squared, Dancing Fool, Virgin Pimp, Just Dave, Stacks, Cuntra, Dancing Queen, Rash, L’il Red Riding Wood, a brief appearance by Pound It In, the lovely Sly Fox who had convinced virgin Just Bill to come out. Straws were pulled and Rash was very nearly hare again, but Just Eric chivalrously averted disaster and decided that tonight was his night to set trail all over creation.
So, off he went, laying little orange dots in the traditional, highly responsible BFM style of at least 3 marks per zip code. The pack followed, out to Market Street, then across that big walkway ramp thingy with the stairs to Chestnut. And then down some stairs. And then up some stairs. Then back down.
Then the scenic tour of U Penn’s parking lots, stairways, and Biotechnology building. After some aimless wandering through the halls, it slowly dawned on the Mob that this was probably not the place for an on-campus beer check. Disappointed, and finally discovering the big "F" next to the door, the pack scampered off to find more trail.
And they did. Across the South Street bridge and into the surrounding neighborhoods was a check. Half of the pack immediately found true trail, which involved a chalk outline of a body that locals were hilariously ignoring, while the other half of the pack were distracted by a nearby playground (swings! oh boy!) but eventually found trail on the way back to the bar.
Back at Bonner’s, autohashers Oral Offender, virgin and autohasher Just Claire, Scooby Snatch– who says he actually ran trail but since I didn’t see him and I’m writing this thing, he’s an autohasher– Little Red Riding Wood, Cause For Blindness, and Nice Shoes Wanna F*ck had arrived and were waiting to drink.
Once everyone had managed to show up, the circle commenced, in typical loud BFM style, run by RA, E = My Cock Squared.
The accused were:
Virgin Hare:
Just Eric
Virgin Virgins:
Just Claire (came with Oral Offender)
Just Bill (came with Sly Fox)
Autohashers:
Little F*cking Winkie
Nice Shoes, Wanna F*ck?
Cause for Blindness
Little Red Riding Wood
Oral Offender
Just Claire
And Rash, under the "When-one-GM-drinks" rule
First and Last In:
Scooby Snatch
Sly Fox
Violations:
Just Bill for wearing a "Hello Kitty" shirt, and
Hold the Sausage, under the "when one kitty shirt drinks" rule
And Proxy Accuser Oral Offender:for Cuntmo: Winkie for whining in his email about The Trash
Birthday Boy:
Scooby Snatch turns 30!
Commendation:
Rash and Cunting Season for getting new jobs that do not involve a nametags, hairnets, or as Skin Fiddle suggested, pimps.
AND then! To celebrate Just Eric’s virgin trail laying and the fact that he was showing off an ungodly amount of chest hair and bearing a more than passing resemblance to Erik Estrada from back in his "CHiPS" days, it was decided that he needed a name. He’s from Queens, NY, but claims to be Southern since he went to Emory, is a biophysicist or something, and likes sheep. There were a lot of suggestions, mostly based on the chest hair and the fact that one of him thumbs is bigger than the other because he does a lot of "pipetting." (Do you believe that? Yeah, me neither.)
OK, anyway, the two most popular names apart from the perennial favorite "Stunt Dick Double" were the equally popular Thumbelina" and "Ponch-O Suave." After a few completely futile re-votes, the compromise name "Thumb-O Suave" was suggested and was immediately agreed upon, because by God, there was drinking to be done.
So Thumb-O Suavé it was. Welcome to the club, YFF.
After that, karaoke!
On On,
Rash
ANNOUNCEMENT: CYHMNow? announced the Philly 1450th Hash being held this Saturday, October 8 at Tyler State Park in Bucks County. He will try to arrange transportation. Must RSVP with Snake Neck. donovanbp@hotmail.com. There will be beer, a barn, and skeeball. SKEEBALL! Get your asses out there.
The details: http://www.phillyhash.com/directio1.html
Directions to the start: http://www.phillyhash.com/directio.html
Directions to the on-in at the Party Barn: http://www.phillyhash.com/directio12.html
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