BFM #111 - A Cast of Thousands

Posted on April 6, 2006

6 April 2006 So I was getting on the train this afternoon to go home, and do you know who I saw buying a newspaper?  Elvis. ELVIS!  I swear to you, I saw Elvis.  He’s not dead, y’all!  Of course, he’s old  squat Elvis, not young shiny Elvis, but still. Elvis.

Does this have anything to do with Thursday’s Hash?  Nope, absolutely nothing. Well, maybe a little something.  But we’ll get to that. 

The evening started out as it usually does with hashers collecting at the bar, which this week was Kelliann’s at 44th and Spruce in University City.  Daylights Savings time seems to have enlivened people because, boy did a lot of you show up!  At the bar were Stacks, Scooby Snatch, Tickle My Elmo, Hold the Sausage, Skin Fiddle, Rash, the newly-returned-Dolph-Lundgren-look-alike She Man, Cunnilingus Interruptus, Little F*ckin Winkie, AKA all the way from Bucks County who brought along Just Liz, Can You Hear Me Now?, Dancing Fool, Just Dan who occasionally hashes with Philly H3 and brought out Just Marcie, C*nting Season, Fiber Opdick, Cause For Blindness, E=My Cock Squared, Strap On, Bumble Beaver from Boston, Gag Reflex originally from Boston but who has been living in Philly for approximately forever but hasn’t come hashing since Halloween, and visiting from Fort Lauderdale, Tongue In Groove, who brought along Just Andy.

Trail this evening was conveniently pre-laid by Stacks, who is a huge Elvis fan.  (Alive!  And buying the Daily News at Market East!)  After a brief (read: lengthy) chalk talk by RA Scooby Snatch for all the virgins and visitors,  the Mob was off.  Trail wound through  the scenic residential sections of West Philly, including the rather sketchy area behind the Acme, and then through the residential section before heading east.  Along sidewalks and over walls, though parking lots and down one particularly foul-smelling alley, finding checks  and falses and impossibly small hash marks (trail was laid using 2¾ C flour, total), the Mob wound through U Penn’s campus.  But you know what there wasn’t?  No Beer Near.  Not one.  And we must have passed at least a half-dozen college keg parties, any of which we could have crashed and then we could’ve picked up nineteen- year-olds. (“And that’s legal in any state!” )  But this just motivated the Mob to get back to the bar faster to start drinking.

And get back they did.  By this time, Oral Oh! Had arrived and was diligently collecting money as Hash Cash.  Once pitchers were procured, the circle was promptly convened.  This, incidentally, completely entertained the rest of the bar, including the innocent bystander playing pool who did a spit take during “When Your Girlfriend Tastes Like Sh*t”, and the bartender who was so happy to have us he gave out some jackets. 

This week’s offenders:

            Hare: Stacks

            Virgins: Just Liz, Just Andy, Just Marcie

            Visitors: Just Dan, Tongue In Groove, Gag Reflex, Bumble Beaver

            First In/Last In: She Man, Cause for Blindness, and C*nting Season under                                                    the “When one GM Drinks” rule

Accusations, Round 1:

            Stacks, for trying to accuse Oral Oh! for being half naked

            Strap On, for being a Type A runner

            Tongue In Groove, for calling it a “hash race”

            Hold the Sausage and Cause for Blindness for not announcing that the trash was posted, and C*nting Season, under ”When one GM drinks…”

Accusations, Round 2:

            E=My Cock Squared, for taking a picture for some girls on trail

            Tickle My Elmo, for racing  

And so the circle was ended…until Oral proudly noted that the autohashers had been left out, and the circle was promptly reconvened to violate

            Autohashers: Oral Oh!, Fiber Opdick, Skin Fiddle, and…probably some other             people.  I forgot to write that down.

But I wrote down some other stuff, because everything something bizarre was said, or something vaguely scandalous happened, I immediately heard something along the lines of “Rash!! Omigod! WritethatdownWritethatdownWritethatdown, Stacks and Elmo are in the bathroom together!!!”   (And they were.  By the way, if anyone ever tells you that you know you have cancer if your hand is bigger than your face, don’t put your hand up to your face to check.)

Also, you can’t lick your own elbow.  Go ahead and try it.  I’ll wait. 

Also of a vaguely scandalous nature:  Cause and Dancing Fool found a thong on trail; one of them kept it.  C*nting Season whipped off her bra in the middle of the bar, and Just Andy promptly put it on.  Silly overheard quotations are below.

Overheard at the Hash:

Harriette: You did send me all that candy.  And nudie cards.

Guy Hasher: That’s just gross.  Hairy wetness.

Rash:  Is that a hickey? 

Can You Hear Me Now?: It’s ebola.

Oral Oh!: If I have the opportunity to take my clothes off, I’m doing it.

Guy Hasher: And he wasn’t wearing a wife-beater t-shirt when it happened, so she didn’t expect it.

Guy Hasher: I kneaded his nipples.  They’re delectable.

Harriette: Stop licking my face. 

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