BFM #116 - Free Beer Today, Two Fists Tomorrow
Posted on May 11, 2006
1 May 2006 – PHILADELPHIA: It was a dark and stormy night when the BFM gathered at Ray’s Happy Birthday Bar in South Philly for its 116th trail. Simply average folks may have been put off by the inclement weather; however, the mob is not exactly average. We may not be guaranteed shiggy in our urban hashing environment, but Philly can always deliver crappy weather. Crappy weather AND a trip through a dodgy neighborhood as Philly has no shortage in either department.
I arrived at the bar (on time this week!) with Fur Snatcher to find an autohashing Skin Fiddle holding court at the bar with Cunting Season, Dry Hump, Meat Tenderized, Rash, Scooby Snatch, She Man, Stacks, a clean shaven Tickle My Elmo, and some adorably tiny pony bottles of Miller High Life. Popeye’s Bitch arrived on his bike and was followed by Oral Oh!, Strap On, and E=MyCock². Our fearless GM gathered a fistful of bendy straws and offered them to the eager mob. Scooby Snatch drew the lucky short straw and bravely forged out into the dampness with his bag of flour in tow. The mob waited so patiently, that the requisite five minute head start extended until someone finally realized that we were supposed to leave the bar and actually start looking for flour blobs.
The trail headed north and east, past the Condom Kingdom, and toward a beer check at the Blarney South. Although everyone willingly obeyed the beer check, the boob and dick checks left by the hare were deliberately ignored. After enjoying refreshing brews, the Blarney South’s delightfully tacky décor, and the tourists from southern Florida who proudly declared that they had walked all over Philly, the mob left South Street in search of the second leg of the trail. Thru the rain the pack scampered, weaving its way back to Ray’s. The moist mob began the weekly exchange of hash cash for beer and the majority opted to change into dry clothes. The latter action was appreciated by those of us who realize that wet hasher produces an odor roughly similar to that of wet dog and don’t find the smell of wet dog especially pleasing. The away team chose Ray’s as the venue to debut matching shirts which cleverly featured their names on the back in case we forget. A BFM reconnaissance mission had almost been detailed when E=MyCock² burst into the bar in thoroughly drenched white t-shirt very vaguely reminiscent of the swoon inducing Mr. Darcy scene from Pride and Prejudice. Once all hashers were accounted for, the diligent RA Scooby Snatch made sure everyone had a full beverage so the circle could begin.
Hare:
Scooby Snatch – who announced that he had “goodies” from his recent trip to Sin City and would be holding a small contest
First In/Last In:
Oral Oh! – who received flattering comments from the locals about her “nuggets” and ass while on trail
E=MyCock² – who probably would have received similar comments if he actually had nice nuggets under that wet t-shirt
Cums Lately:
Fur Snatcher and Meat Tenderized
Contest – Elvis impressions:
Dry Hump, Tickle My Elmo, and eventual winner Cunting Season competed for a suitably garish t-shirt and handy mess tote from the Las Vegas H3 haberdashery
Autohasher:
Skin Fiddle
Accusations:
Hold the Sausage (for wearing a shirt which bore an uncanny resemblance to the away team uniform) and Popeye’s Bitch (who just happened to be wearing a black and white shirt)
Rash – for reading a newspaper on trail (but it was the I Love You, I Hate You section!) AND Cunting Season, Oral Oh!, Hold the Sausage, and Popeye’s Bitch for reasons of away team membership, on-sec affiliation, and wardrobe choice
Strap On – who endured a birthday side-side, a shot with the bartender, and further insult as she was almost dropped by Tickle My Elmo and Skin Fiddle
Stacks – for r*cing
Team Almost-Matching-Shirts – for two “special moments” which occurred at Buffalo Billiard’s and featured Fiber Opdick, Hold the Sausage, Just Maritza, and Popeye’s Bitch in rather untraditional pairings
A Social – in honor of my super cool shoes which have handy built in bottle openers on the bottom
Announcements:
05/16 – Philly Hash mostly vegebrarian trail hared by Meat Tenderized, Stacks, and Can You Hear Me Now?
06/06/06 – She Devil Hash at 7th Heaven in Conshohocken hared by Strap On
06/15 – BFM Prom
07/14 or 07/15 – the much anticipated Dartathlon
Strap On announced something about fisting
Meat Tenderized also announced that he was a “fisting aficionado”
The circle was properly closed only to be reopened moments later when the mob decided that naming Ray’s Happy Birthday bartender was an excellent idea. It took only a few seconds to lure the unsuspecting gentleman into our circle and convince him to sit in the middle. It took even less time to settle on an appropriate name. In the tradition of other bartenders named by the mob and because of his generosity in providing a free pitcher of beer to the BFM each time we meet at Ray’s, the man formerly known as “the bartender at Ray’s Happy Birthday Bar” will henceforth be referred to as Free Beer Today. In his first act of solidarity toward the BFM, Free Beer Today informed us that our circle antics were captured on three closed circuit cameras and would soon be posted on the internet for general amusement. However, some harriers were disappointed to learn that the kitchen/ladies’ changing room was devoid of cameras and that particular brand of raw footage would not be included in the webcast. The circle was once again closed and the BFM disappeared into the night, its legion one half-mind stronger.
Overheard/seen at the hash:
Meat and Strap On performing an improv demonstration of a fisting with Meat acting as catcher
“I didn’t get a piece between circles!” (prompting suggestions that he bring his wife to the hash)
“I’m all about the fisting!” (prompting suggestions that he bring his wife to the hash)
"You thought those shirts were pretty cute at first, didn’t you?" (to an away team member whining about having to do down downs by association)
– Meat Tenderized
“Wow, you raped her! That was awesome!” (I don’t remember the context on this one….)
– Tickle My Elmo
Have fun this week kids, I’ll be busy channeling Hemingway (and hashing) in Paris.
On On,
Hold the Sausage
Filed Under Trash |
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