BFM #117 - Victory is Mine!
Posted on May 18, 2006
1 May 2006 – PHILADELPHIA: So this week’s hash was a surprisingly competitive one for the Mob, who‘s competitive achievements to date have consisted of…basically nothing, really, unless you count spawning the worst karaoke participant ever (Little F*cking Winkie). But! in this newly competitive BFM spirit, for the duration of reading this trash, I recommend that you hum to yourself either: 1. The theme to Mortal Kombat, 2. the Olympic theme or, 3. the theme to the Wide World of Sports to yourself. Maybe even picture that one clip that they play while saying “…and the agony of defeat” where that skier goes pinwheeling down the mountain into those orange cargo nets or whatever-the-hell they put on the slopes. Whatever you like. I’m trying to set a mood, here, people. Work with me.
So the evening started with the assembly of the Mob at Smokey Joe’s Tavern in the heart of University City. Hashers were divided into two groups - active participants and the disabled list. Active hashers included Strap On, E=My Cock Squared, Cousin It, Just Jeanne, Just Jen, Tickle My Elmo, Stacks, Cause for Blindness, Popeye’s Bitch, Dry Hump, and She Man. On the DL (Or as Oral said “Don’t say were on the DL! That’s dirty. Say we’re on the disabled list.”) were Oral Oh!, Rash, Cunting Season, Tastes Like Chicken, Skin Fiddle, Fiber Opdick, and the extremely late arriving Little F*cking Winkie and Cunnilingus Interruptus. Popeye’s Bitch magnanimously volunteered to both show up on time for once AND hare the trail. So off he went with his bag of blue flour, followed minutes later by the Mob.
I’d like to tell you how the trail was, but I only know it had a beer check and that there wasn’t a staggering amount of bitching when everyone returned, so I guess it was tolerable. I can tell you that the hare lost his keys. “I actually put ‘em down my pants,” Popeye’s Bitch reported when he got to the bar, but he hadn’t seen them since. They remained mysteriously hidden until the end of the night, when they magically reappeared from the parallel dimension in his shorts. True story. (“Tada!”)
So, with everyone back at the bar, pitchers were promptly ordered and the circle slowly took shape, as one of the bartenders turned the music up to try and drown out the melodious strains of “If You Girlfriend Tastes Like Shit.“ It was a valiant effort, but the Mob simply got louder the celebrate the following, led by RA Skin Fiddle:
Hare: Popeye’s Bitch
First In: Stacks
Last In: Cousin It
Visitors: Just Jeanne, Just Jen, both from Philly, both showed off bellybuttons with assistance from Cousin It.
Autohashers:
Oral Oh!, Rash, Cunting Season, Tastes Like Chicken, Skin Fiddle, Fiber Opdick, Little F*ckin Winkie, Cunnilingus Interruptus
Violations:
Skin Fiddle, for singing that “he would rather hash a beer than…”
Popeye’s Bitch, for pre-laying a live trail
Dry Hump, for some lame t-shirt about an ISP
Winkie, Chicken, for square dancing the in circle
Oral Oh!, for the blondest moment ever at the DC Full Moon Wine Hash, where she said to Rash, “Oh…what did I do last night?…I called my mom, made my toga…hmmm….I can’t remember…oh yeah! I went skydiving!”
Rash, Cunting Season, under the “when one member of the Away Team Drinks” rule
Cause for Blindness, under the “when one GM drinks” rule
And finally, Popeye’s Bitch again, because he’s leaving for the summer. This news was met by a despondent Fiber Opdick‘s, “Who am I going to make out with NOW?” to which Rash responded, “Who won’t you make out with?”
So the circle was finally finished, and THEN the competition began. Apparently, Thursday night is Quizzo night at Smokey Joe’s, so the Mob spontaneously divided into three teams with impossibly classy names - Stunt Dick Double, Nettie’s Nuggets, and Moose Knuckle. By this time, all the other tables in the bar had filled up with what were probably Penn and Drexel students there to play a nice, quiet game of trivia but who were met with the spectacle of three teams of hashers, clearly raised by wolves; whooping, insulting each other, throwing the finger, the double finger, and the it’s-not-the-finger-I’m-just-scratching-my-nose,-no-wait,-it’s-the-finger at each other across the bar, all while submitting some really inappropriate Quizzo answers. Highlights:
Quizzo guy: “My favorite wrong answer: ‘Big Black Dildo.’”
Team Moose Knuckle: “Wooooo!”
Quizzo guy: [Reading an answer] “’Black on Balls‘…Do they even have trailers at pornos??”
Skin Fiddle: [Authoritatively] “Yes, yes they do!”
Also, Dry Hump kept attempting to cheat for Team Nettie’s Nuggets, and various teams kept stealing beer from each other. But in the end, everybody won. No, for real, everybody won: the hash teams took first (Stunt Dick Double), second (Nettie‘s Nuggets), AND third (Moose Knuckle) out of about ten teams total, winning $25 worth of beer that we probably did not need, but drank anyway.
WHICH led to the NEXT round of competitive behavior. Tickle My Elmo and Strap On tried to see who could kick each other in the face, and Oral Oh! and E=My Cock Squared competed for best ass. Who won? I think we all won.
Overheard at the Hash
“We brushin’ our teeth later? What is this?” - Tastes Like Chicken
“Somebody here will suck the beer out of your shirt!” Oral Oh! to bartender
“She’s insane.” - First Harriette
“I’m not insane!” - Other Harriette
“Insanely good, insanely good!” - First Harriette
“I just thought you had really pale thighs.” - Rash
“I was young and I needed the money.” - [Insert your name here]
“You’re not getting any tonight.” - Harriette
“How drunk do I have to be for a milkshake to look like a breast?” - Harriette
“You’re gonna trust the blond?!?” - Strap On
“We have a new name for your penis.” - Harriette
“Put your lips on this.” - Cunnilingus Interruptus
“I spent all afternoon is Chicken’s bedroom.” - Dry Hump
[shocked silence] - Cunting Season
“I’m not f*cking anybody!” - Hasher
“Nobody asked you to!” - Other Hasher
Announcements:
June 15th- 3rd Annual BFM Prom
July 15th - 1st Annual Hashtille Day D’Artathalon
August 18th or 19th - Cousin It’s Annual Phillies tailgate
Further Reading:
New Zealand All Blacks Rugby Team
On On,
Rash
Filed Under Trash |
Leave a Comment
If you would like to make a comment, please fill out the form below.
