BFM #121 - At Least There Wasn’t Pig’s Blood
Posted on June 15, 2006
15 June 2006 – PHILADELPHIA: When recalling fond memories of high school prom, the first thing that comes to mind for many is that fabulous (or hideous) dress or tux. Others remember pregaming, sneaking in a flask, and trying to spike the punch. And some of us remember just trying to get laid. The BFM’s 3rd Annual Prom at Bonner’s had enough variety to take everyone back to the 80s. Or the 90s. Or the year 2000 if your hash name involves grasping meat stuffed in casings of animal intestine.
Like any good party, the BFM prom started with a few beers at the bar. The crowd quickly multiplied to include AKA, Ate-a-Puss Complex, Bumble Beaver, Bumper Humper, Can You Hear Me Now?, Cause for Blindness, Dances with Bum’s Urine, Deep Flute, E=MyCock², He’s a Lesbian, Just Bruce, Just Dan, Just Jeanne, Just Jen, Just Kat, Just Matt, Oral Oh!, Peed by Me, Rash, Self Service, Scooby Snatch, SheMan, Snip n’ Tuck, Strap On, Tater Tots, and Three Balls. With the pregame out of the way the mob became anxious to hit the trail and paraded outside for a chalk talk. Soon GM Cunting Season came sauntering across the street to round out the bevy of gown-clad babes. The mob was just beginning to get antsy and (garner the attention of the locals) when hare Little Red Riding Wood returned and quickly changed out of her running clothes and into a dress. With our hare properly attired, the call of On On was shouted and the group headed out in search of flour and beer.
The well-marked trail headed north and east away from the bar. When the flour blobs began to lead deeper into the Fairmount district, it became evident to many seasoned BFMers exactly where the trail was heading. The BN marking confirmed it. Our hare was leading us to a beer check at the infamous domain of Skin Fiddle. Always an affable host, Skin Fiddle welcomed the hashers into his backyard where refreshing bottles of beer were chilling on ice. Thirst quenched and spirits renewed, the mob left its gated haven and headed back toward Center City.
The second leg of the trail snaked through downtown, apparently included another beer check, and finally meandered west towards the bar. Sweaty hashers filed into Bonner’s where some opted to slip into something more comfortable while others opted to wallow in perspiration and contribute to the increasingly ripe aroma of the back room. Oral Oh! collected hash cash and procured a large quantity of beer. Once everyone’s cup was full, the mob circled up for a flood of prom night down downs.
Hare:
Little Red Riding Wood – the chief criticism of her trail was that it didn’t feature enough of the hood
Virgins:
Just James (Little Red made him cum) – who whined that he had to work in the morning
Just Bruce – He’s a Lesbian made him cum
Visitors:
Three Balls, Ate-a-Puss Complex, Bumper Humper, Peed by Me, Snip n’ Tuck, and Tater Tots
First In/Last In:
E=MyCock² – who whined that this was the first time short cutting bastards weren’t considered first in
Three Balls – who just whined a lot
Cums Latelys:
Dances With Bum’s Urine and Cunting Season (who took Cause for Blindness, Rash, and Oral Oh! down-down with her)
Auto Hashers:
Skin Fiddle, Lunar Digit, and Little F*cking Winkie
Accusations:
Oral Oh! – for taking a cab from the beer check back to the bar, along with all other GMs, Away Team members, and On Secs
Bumble Beaver – because she’s a transplant and looked thirsty
Just Bruce – for r*cing a car on trail, along with He’s a Lesbian for not properly educating his virgin
Peed by Me and Tater Tots – for accidentally coordinating their formal wear
AKA, Can You Hear Me Now?, Dances with Bum’s Urine, Little F*cking Winkie, Lunar Digit, SheMan, and Snip n’ Tuck for not sporting prom attire
At this point somebody decided to open a contest for the Most and Least Likely to Get Laid hashers. After careful consideration and a nomination process that would make any parliamentarian proud, the candidates were selected. Those Most Likely to Get Laid were Strap On, Little Red Riding Wood, Just Jen, and eventual winner Cause for Blindness. Perhaps Cause had anticipated her victory and already prepared for the afterparty as she had selected a handy sarong/bedsheet instead of a more traditional dress. Next came the nominees for Least Likely to Get Laid. For various reasons Just Dan, Little F*cking Winkie, Scooby Snatch and winner Bumper Humper were deemed the most un-f*ckable hashers of the evening. The contest concluded and the mob continued to drink which might have improved the chances of the nominees in both categories.
Just when everyone thought that the circle was about to be closed, there came the announcement that we had a solemn occasion in our midst. It was finally time to name (and possibly scar/alienate forever) Just Dan. The inquisitive mob discovered that Just Dan was a truck driver and observed that he had brought a bugle with him. These facts prompted a list of possible names which included Rusty Trombone, Just Blow Me, Road Head, and the ever popular Stunt Dick Double. None of these names seemed to truly capture the essence of Just Dan, so the mob persevered and finally decided to christen him F*ck Driver. Once the naming ceremony had concluded, Rash encouraged everyone to consider applying deodorant before migrating to the karaoke area. On that note the circle was closed and the real entertainment started.
Overheard at the hash:
A very breathless Harriette: I gotta get money for my cab!
A very wise Harrier (context – my prom attire): I know skanky and that’s not skany.
A very likely to get laid Harriette (context and spankee unknown): Yeah, Scooby’s gonna spank you!
And finally – a mostly complete karaoke highlight section:
Ate-a-Puss Complex and Tater Tots – Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
Just Bruce – Suspicious Minds
Winkie – The Bad Touch
Rash – Stupid Girl
Little Red et al – Only the Good Die Young
Scooby Snatch and random chick – Breakfast at Tiffany’s
E and Winkie – The Tide is High
E – She Hate Me
Just Bruce – Hooked on a Feeling
On On,
Hold the Sausage
Filed Under Trash |
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