BFM #126 - Free Beer for all the Hashers
Posted on July 20, 2006
20 July 2006 – PHILADELPHIA: Wow, I never thought I would say it, but right now I really wish I lived in Central Pennsylvania. I always considered anything west of King of Prussia to be an unfortunate extension of Ohio that should be avoided at all costs, but the Central Penn Blood Bank has changed my mind. Yes, it’s time for some explanation. Harrisburg is offering the greatest incentive ever to donate blood. Who needs a cookie and juice when you can have alcohol? Roadtrip anyone? But I digress. Here’s the trash.
As I walked to the Black Sheep Pub from the always entertaining Philadelphia subway, I wondered what delights were in store for the BFM this evening. I was not disappointed. Upon descending into the basement I encountered a crowd which grew to include Bumble Beaver, Can You Hear Me Now?, Cause for Blindness, Deep Flute, E=MyCock², Fiber Opdick, Fruit of the Clue, Just Craig, Just Jim, Just Steve, Little F*cking Winkie, Little Red Riding Wood, Lunar Digit, Scooby Snatch, SheMan, Strap On, Tickle My Elmo and transplants Cherry Poppins and Syphilitic Horse Molester. Quotes for the Overheard at the Hash section were already pouring out of the hashers’ mouths as I immediately witnessed a heated discussion between Can You Hear Me Now? and Fruit of the Clue regarding the finer points of circumcision. GM Cunting Season soon gathered and passed out straws which signaled the beginning of the How Many Straws Can We Put in Nettie’s Hair game. End count, post circle: 2, for those keeping track. The BFMers selected straws until the GM was left holding only one, which just so happened to be shorter than the rest. Cunting Season dutifully grabbed several pounds of blue flour and dashed out to lay her trail. After a brief chalk talk, the hounds scattered to sniff out flour blobs.
The BFM’s esteemed GM managed to continually confound the pack with trail that used checks sparingly. Ms. Season scampered east then south until the mob was firmly entrenched in the friendly streets of South Philly. The trail boasted a small sampling of urban shiggy, in the form of an abandoned lot with a partially demolished building. The hare finally crossed back over Broad St. and lead the pack back to the bar. The sweaty mob paused for a few moments outside the bar to cool down and (gasp!) stretch before filing downstairs to begin drinking.
Once everyone had reconvened in the basement, E=MyCock² collected hash cash and made sure that each hasher was holding a bottle of beer. Moments later, Scooby Snatch convened the circle and many a down-down ensued.
Hare:
Cunting Season – who was roasted for a lack of rain, a lack checks, a lack of marked falses and for too much South Philly
Virgins:
Just Jim – he cums to the Philly H3 once every eight years or so
Just Kim – another member of the Manayunk posse
Visitors/Transplants:
Fruit of the Clue – from Paris H3 – who shared a very long-winded joke
Syphilitic Horse Molester – from Boston H3 – who chose a much shorter joke
Q: Why do they call it PMS?
A: Because Mad Cow was already taken.
Ha. No really, ha.
Cherry Poppins – also from Boston H3 – who elected to entertain the BFM with a song
First In/Last In:
Just Craig and Cause for Blindness
Cums Latelys:
Bumble Beaver and Fiber Opdick
Autohashers:
Bumble Beaver, Cherry Poppins, and Fiber Opdick
Accusations:
Scooby Snatch – for not properly instructing the virgins in BFM protocol
With all other GMs (Cunting Season and Tickle My Elmo)
E=MyCock² – because he fled to his car to avoid being first in
He’s a Lesbian – for imitating the fashion of both Just Craig and Dancing Fool
Scooby Snatch – for not admitting that he was actually first in
With all other GMs….
Tickle My Elmo – for exemplifying overachieving ass clown by riding over 100 miles on his bike….with, oh yes, all other GMs
Deep Flute – for autohashing and getting kicked out of Starbucks
Lunar Digit – for becoming a kept man
With other kept men E=MyCock² and SheMan
After some brief announcements the circle was closed and the real debauchery commenced. In general, hashers need no assistance in obtaining a sufficient supply of beer to make the evening a success. However, there is nary a hasher who will turn down free beer if it is offered. On this particular Thursday, salvation came in the form of a petite blonde woman named Hillary. This lovely Beck’s beer spokeswoman descended into the basement bearing a bucket of cold, and more importantly gratis, beer which she promptly distributed among the hashers, retreating upstairs for additional resources. In total, Hillary provided the BFM with roughly two beers each. All was going well and we were sure we had found a kindred spirit when the situation went horribly awry. Maybe it was He’s a Lesbian’s smooth cruising. Or maybe it was the serenade of a very extended version of “Free Beer for All the Hashers.” Regardless, poor Hillary was frightened and scurried upstairs never to be seen or heard from again. We blamed Scooby Snatch and Just Jim for scaring away the free beer. They looked guilty. Hash cash well beyond depletion and free beer gone forever, the remaining hashers dispersed into the streets of Philly eagerly awaiting the next opportunity to binge drink and scare civilians.
Overheard at the Hash:
Cause: Is she going home with him?
Just Craig: Yes, but they live together.
Cause: Are they having a ….
Just Craig: No…and she’s probably not going home if you know what I mean.
Maybe I need to get drunk. The quotes are always better when I’m drunk. –HTS
Now I have too much beer. –Bumble Beaver
E: The cute girl giving out free beer, yeah, make sure she doesn’t come back.
Elmo: I don’t care, I have Wood!
We’re playing crack box, F*CK OFF! – Elmo
Nevermind, I bit a little bit of his. – Cause
Elmo: Bumble Beaver is a taker. The question is where….
Bumble Beaver: I do live in West Philly.
Cause: I wasn’t inebriated when I got here.
Just Craig: I wasn’t inebriated when I was born.
On On,
Hold the Sausage
Announcements:
08/12 - Cousin It’s Phillies tailgate party
09/16 – Philly H3 1500t
Filed Under Trash |
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