7 July 2006 – SOUTH PHILADELPHIA:  The Mob dove into The Dive Thursday night. All sorts of odd characters, deviants, and chronic miscreants were there, as were the locals. And a bartender from the nether regions.

Who was there? Tickle My Elmo, Strap On, Sly Fox, Skin Fiddle, She Man, Self Service, Scooby Snatch, Meat Tenderized, Little Red Riding Wood, Little Fucking Winkie, Just Marisa (who Just Jen and Just Conan made come kicking and screaming), Just Leah (who Elmo and Scooby made come from Iowa), Just Jody (who AKA made come from Huntingdon Valley, PA), Just Jen, Just Jeff (who Elmo and Scooby made come from Phoenix), Just Conan (pronounced “Connin”), Just Brian (who Elmo and Scooby made come from Organ), E=My Cock Squared, Dances With Bums’ Urine, Cunting Season, Can You Hear Me Now?, and AKA (who’s kind of from Reading, PA, but shows up to the BFM because he lives closer to here than there).

Not present were any of the on-secs, also known as the triple sec: The Rash, Oral Oh!, and Hold the Sausage, which is why none of them are writing this garbagiola. Th’bastids.

The short straw went to Little Red Riding Wood. Mobbers may recall that she recently laid a marathon, follow-able trail for the BFM Prom with no less than two beer checks. This time she was intercepted by the just arriving Winkie, who magnanimously offered to lay trail with her, resulting in no beer checks, unmarked falses, a short trail, and all sorts of confusion for hashers who persevered.

But perseverance did result in a capture. Somewhere in the mixed up blocks of South Philly, Sly Fox thought she saw the two hares and yelled, “On Hares!” Both hares turned their necks looking back, sporting the expression from The Scream or Scream (you choose), at which time Sly Fox knew for sure it was the hares, and the chase was on.

It was Just Jody, the virgin import from Huntingdon Valley, who accelerated and nabbed the hares. But she didn’t know South Philly, so Riding Wood offered to resume haring, which she did, along with her giant, helpful sidekick.

Trail went pretty much straight back to The Dive, where we all learned that the bartender was a wanker of the highest order. While the Mob was out hashing, he forced Just Brian – who sported a lovely, “Everybody Loves A Fat Guy,” t-shirt – to remove everyone’s bags to a nearby car. The bartender also refused to open up the empty second floor to us lot. E=My Cock Squared reconnoitered Ray’s Happy Birthday Bar, found that it was sufficiently empty, so the Mob rolled on.

Free Beer Today, the aptly named bartender at Ray’s, gave She Man a double shot of Jack Daniel’s and a PBR pint for his birthday. Scooby Snatch circled everyone up.

The hares were duly derided for their trail. First in was Just Jen and last in was Meat Tenderized, who arrived very late, but just in time to be dubbed last in. Apparently he had been following his own trail (read: lost) where he saw a jogging Lunar Digit (fact). Meat found his way to the Birthday Bar because someone wisely scrawled the bar’s name on the sidewalk just outside of The Dive.

Accusations came next:

- Cunting Season unable to spell On In on a recent trail she hared
- Winkie wearing a hat while down downing (and when one hare drinks, they both drink)
- The hares getting nabbed by a virgin
- AKA for not showing himself for a long whiles

Since it was She Man’s birthday, he had to do a side side, supported strictly by BFM babes, who stepped up to the task: Just Jody, Little Red Riding Wood, Self Service, Sly Fox, and Strap On. Truly a sight to behold. And hold they did, as She Man polished off a full pint while lounging on a series of lovely arms. Does Deep Flute know this happened? If not, now she does.

Free Beer Today kindly asked the Mob to move back so the incoming jazz band, Jazz Soup, could set up and play. They did play, and the sounds they made contrasted sharply with the BFM circle’s singing, which resembled slaughter time in the stock yard.

Riding Wood, who lives nearby, invited people to visit a spanking new bar just two doors from her residence. In time, a nice slice of the Mob pie arrived: Tickle My Elmo, Strap On, Skin Fiddle, She Man, Self Service, Scooby Snatch, Little Fucking Winkie, Just Marisa, Just Leah, Just Jen, Just Jeff, Just Conan, Just Brian, E=My Cock Squared, Dances With Bums’ Urine, and Can You Hear Me Now?

This place is called ‘Pub On Passyunk East,’ or POPE for short. Potentially an excellent hash bar. There the remainder of the lot passed the night with a very tattooed waitress who, it just so happened, she said, was in the midst of breast feeding. Where the baby was no one thought to ask.

All sorts of conversation happened, though three items stand out from the beer fog, two of them shockers:

Self Service described Winkie as an “absolutely acquired taste”
Just Conan NEVER saw “The Godfather”
Self Service NEVER saw “Star Wars”

Beer was quaffed, food was stuffed, and the Mob mobbed on.

On on.

cyhmnow?

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