BFM #128 - Screw the Roaches
Posted on August 3, 2006
3 August 2006 – PHILADELPHIA: Those of you who have been hashing with the BFM for a while probably recall our last hash at Kelliann’s with fond memories. In this case fond means too freaked out to leave your dry bag in the bar because the place is populated with roaches the size of rodents. So basically the only appeal of this hash was the fact that I could walk to it. But seriously, roaches are scary. There’s only one critter I fear more than the roach and that’s the monkey. Yes, I’m creeped out by Curious George’s relatives. They may look all cute and cuddly, but I’m certain they’re plotting to take over the world. Imagine the nightmares I had after the movie Congo, and I don’t mean just because it was a terrible film. And while you’re using your imagination and I’m being completely honest, I should also confess that I usually write the trash in my underwear. Moving along….
I cautiously entered the bar, lest any roaches be poised to swoop on me, to join Cunting Season, He’s a Lesbian, Just Jenn, Just Karen, Little F*cking Winkie, Scooby Snatch, and Tickle My Elmo. Before anyone could finish his pre-trail beer, the non-insect indigenous species had already provided me with an entertaining quote:
Local girl: Jerk!
Dude: Huh?
Local girl: You have three sisters. You should know the rules by now!
Soon Ass the Other Vagina, Can You Hear Me Now?, Dances with Bum’s Urine, Insane in the Membrane, Just Craig, Little Red Riding Wood, and Rear Engineer trickled in, prompting the diligent GM Cunting Season to gather the appropriate number of straws. Despite the fact that he did not draw the short straw, Can You Hear Me Now? eagerly grabbed the bag of flour and headed out to confound the mob with a tricky trail.
After waiting the requisite five minutes, in which the mob was able to cram a surprising amount of negative comments about the weather, the hounds left the bar in pursuit. The trail first went west and then south across Spring Garden Street. It turned east again along Callowhill Street, causing many a hasher to assume there would be a beer check at Westy’s Tavern. Oh, but the hare was clever. The flour blobs crossed Broad Street and looped around a broken fire hydrant gushing water before finally leading to a beer check in a place nobody expected. Except for me. And everyone that overheard me. Yes kids, the beer check was at my apartment. And it wasn’t exactly a beer check. I ran out of beer so I whipped up a pitcher of screwdrivers to more efficiently intoxicate the thirsty, dehydrated mob. Once the cocktails were drained the mob proceeded back out into the oppressive heat to sniff out the remaining trail which essentially lead directly toward the bar.
Back at the bar, a horde of autohashers and latecomers smart enough to realize that running in 100 degree weather really isn’t fun had congregated and were waiting for the mob. Among them were Bumble Beaver, Cause for Blindness, Just Jim, Self Service, SheMan, and Sticky Fingers. The always amiable He’s a Lesbian offered to managed the hash cash and procure the beverages of choice. With an ample supply of beer secured, RA Scooby Snatch wasted no time in convening the circle and issuing the down-downs.
Hare:
Can You Hear Me Now?
Virgin:
Just Karen with He’s a Lesbian because he abandoned her on trail
First In/Last In:
Little F*cking Winkie – because he’s lazy
Hold the Sausage – I had a good reason, refer to accusations, below
Cums Latelys:
Just Jim, Self Service, and Sticky Fingers
Autohashers:
Cause for Blindness, Just Jim, Self Service, SheMan, and Sticky Fingers – all very much overdressed for the BFM
Accusations:
He’s a Lesbian – for being unchivalrous and losing his virgin
Just Craig – for an inordinate amount of whining on trail
Hold the Sausage – for showering before the circle – I was afraid the smell of sweat might cause the roaches to swarm
Little F*cking Winkie – for looking like the bartender
Latecumming Autohaser:
Just Bruce
The circle then grew solemn (meaning positively chaotic) as Scooby Snatch announced that there would be a naming. Just Craig was herded into the circle and a multitude of possible names were suggested including Desperately Seeking Trail, Two Clump Chump, Backroom Pornographer, Finger Up My Asshole, and BFM favorite Stunt Dick Double. The mob finally agreed that forevermore Just Craig, a high school photography teacher, would be known to all hashers as Red Light School District. As Cunting Season concluded the naming ceremony, two more stragglers wandered into Kelliann’s. Autohasher Cousin It luckily remembered to remove his hat before joining virgin autohasher Just Becky (and all other virgins and autohashers, of course) for a down-down.
At this point in the evening, the How Many Straws Can We Put in Nettie’s Hair game officially ended and the grand total for the evening was three, a respectable figure indeed. However, attention was quickly diverted back to the RA as another naming was proclaimed. It was time to name Just Bruce. And name him we did. Rejecting possible names such as Karaoke Queen and Stuck in the Middle with You, the BFM christened Just Bruce with the new name Mayor Quimby. This particular naming proved educational for all as Can You Hear Me Now? introduced a new vocabulary word to the BFM. (I don’t remember this one on the SATs). As soon as Cunting Season fulfilled her naming duties for the second time that evening, she was violently accused by the mob and sentenced to a down-down for preventing an option. With this final accusation the circle was closed and air circulation was once again restored to the back room of Kelliann’s as the mob dispersed. Some meandered off into the balmy night, some staggered onward for more drinking at the Green Room, and others probably decided to visit that “historic” crack house we passed at the start of the trail. Regardless, the BFM 128 can be deemed a success if only because nobody was eaten by a giant insect.
On On,
Hold the Sausage
Overheard at the hash:
Tickle My Elmo: So you’re gonna call me daddy now?
Scooby Snatch: Who’s your daddy?
Self Service: Yeah daddy!
Winkie: I have a higher intellectual aptitude than him (him being the bartender)
SheMan: Why think when you can drink?
Bum’s Urine: Is that a man or a woman?
Rear Engineer: I dunno but it’s got a great f*cking rack!
Announcements:
08/12 – Cousin It’s tailgate
08/18 – Philly Full Moon new GMs’ (Tickle My Snatch) inaugural hash
Filed Under Trash |
Leave a Comment
If you would like to make a comment, please fill out the form below.
