BFM #134 - The Mob Gets Snowballed
Posted on September 14, 2006
14 September 2006 – PHILADELPHIA: So you’re probably expecting the usual witty introduction to the trash to appear here. Well, sorry kids. It’s not going to happen this week. It’s almost 1 am on Thursday morning and I’ve been procrastinating all evening with the help of the America’s Next Top Model premiere and the Sci-Fi Channel’s presentation of Halloween II. There’s nothing like a really bad 1980s horror movie to distract me. Haven’t you noticed how the villains always cock their heads to the side thoughtfully before springing to attack the main character? I have. And by the way, thanks for the encouraging (read: harassing) emails this afternoon regarding the lack of trash. Those really motivated me. So here it is. It’s almost late and undoubtedly shitty. Now you can stop your whining and find something better to do. Like watch tv. Or increase your earning potential. Oh hell, here’s a bonus fun link. Now read it and like it.
I arrived at Sugar Mom’s just in time to join Comfortable Hole, Europeen’ on Me, He’s a Lesbian, Horny Hands, Just Jeremy, Just John, Just Mary, Little Red Riding Wood, Pelvis Has Left the Building, Rash, Rear Engineer, and Tickle My Elmo for the chalk talk. After quickly stowing my bag with the amiable bartender, I scampered upstairs to join the hounds as they sniffed out the first mark. Some simple detective work yielded the information that Snowball had chosen the short straw and forged out with the bag of flour. The initial on-on was shouted and the pack headed out in the direction of St. Augustine Church, which was also featured in BFM #127. The trail meandered north and zigzagged south across Market St. then north again past that Holiday Inn on 5th St. Finally the well-marked trail winded back to Church St. with an on-in chalked a mere thirty feet from the bar (thank you Captain Obvious).
A light drizzle had begun so the slightly soggy mob wasted no time in descending back into the depths of 225 Church St. We were soon greeted by autohashers Fruit of the Clue, Little F*cking Winkie, Popeye’s Bitch, and SheMan. By the time everyone had a 16 oz. can of delicious PBR in his or her hand, He’s a Lesbian and Horny Hands had managed to hunt down the only table of females in the bar, dazzle the ladies with their smooth cruising skills, and promptly compel the group to leave. Tickle My Elmo quickly claimed a couch and several comfy chairs for the mob, while Pelvis Has Left the Building exchanged the hash cash for many a can of beer. SheMan seized a prime couch spot and began admiring the basket of condiments thoroughly. It was around that time that I opted to change into dryer and fresher smelling clothes and discovered that the walls of the ladies bathroom stalls contained an encyclopedic wealth of knowledge about the men of Philadelphia. More importantly I learned that, “Jay has a huge cock.” Way to go Jay.
Before long circle time had arrived and the BFM was faced with a considerable dilemma. Neither the RA, nor the lieutenant RA, nor even a former RA was present. Though we determined that several hashers could lead the circle, it was considered in the best interest of everyone involved to appoint Rash as the interim RA for the evening. Luckily E=MyCock² swooped in (with Strap On) at precisely the right moment, thereby preventing the circle from going completely awry and saving the mob from complete anarchy.
Hare:
Snowball – who was roasted for not enough rain, not enough puddles, and not enough ghetto
Virgin:
Just Mary – Pelvis made her cum and the mob unofficially christened her Virgin Mary
Visitor:
Comfortable Hole from Summit H3 who elected to amuse the mob with a joke
Q: Why should women masturbate with these two fingers?
A: Because they’re mine!
*insert collective guffaw here*
First In/Last In:
He’s a Lesbian – who needed no coercion to hop into the circle and grab a beer
Rear Engineer – prompting comments such as:
He is Rear Engineer, it comes with the territory. – E
–and–
I thought it was because he poked Winkie in the ass. –Elmo
Autohashers:
E=MyCock², Fruit of the Clue, Little F*cking Winkie, Popeye’s Bitch, SheMan, and Strap On
Accusations:
SheMan – for offering the excuse that he was too tired to hash then biking to the bar
Little F*cking Winkie – for being SheMan’s bedmate
Fruit of the Clue – for being a sloppy drunk
Virgin Mary – for using nerd names on trail – with fellow European, Europeen’ on Me
Rear Engineer – for a false accusation against Pelvis
Rash and Hold the Sausage – because Nice Nuggets is a naughty on sec
With that the circle was closed and the hashers began to entertain themselves by building a tower from empty cans and by drinking more beer, which in turn created more empty beer cans. Can you see a cycle developing here? I did. I’m not sure if the other patrons were quite as appreciative. Eventually the hashers grew weary of demonstrating manual dexterity and the ability to balance and moved on to simpler tasks like drinking while sitting. Once enough beer was consumed the BFM dispersed into the moist darkness, bringing to close another evening of cheap beer and cheap thrills.
On On,
Hold the Sausage
Overheard at the hash:
Rash: I may get a rash.
HTS: If I get one thru my jeans I’ll know it’s from Elmo
SheMan: Grey Poupon. I feel like a rich motherf*cker right now
Lesbian: It was fine until I genuflected and now it hurts like hell.
SheMan: This is the most meat I’ve had in my mouth in a long time.
HTS: What does that say about your bedmate?
SheMan: Tootsie Roll.
Europeen’: How does it stay so white?
Snowball: It’s like a real muff, it cleans itself on its own every month.
Seen on a bathroom stall:
Would you like to put your pacifier in your mom’s butt? – Men’s room
9.5 inch penis with phone number – Ladies’ room
Announcements:
SheMan/Deep Flute/Winkie Housewarming Party on Saturday
Philadelphia Hash House Harriers, Horny Hands HALLOWEEN HASH
(Costume-friendly trail: Animal (costumes), Kilts, & French Maids especially welcome!)
Meet at 3 PM on Saturday, October 28th at the BAYOU Grill in Manayunk (4245 Main Street, 215-482-2560)
Take the I-76 exit 338 (Belmont Avenue/Green Lane) at Manayunk/Roxborough:
Cross the river on the Green Lane bridge & immediately turn Right onto Main Street
Follow Main Street for 0.4 miles & turn Right on Lock Street (just before Manayunk Brewery)
Park in lot on other side of canal bridge (it’s the only thing you’ll pay for for the rest of the night) Be Afraid, Be Very \nAfraid…
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600 Boxford \nCircle, King of Prussia, PA \n19406-1965
610-265-1768
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Walk to the Bayou Grill at the corner of Main & Rector streets (one block back the way you came)
Call Horny Hands (610-324-9208) if U R hopelessly Lost/Late
(www.HashinPA.com) Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid…
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