BFMH3-139 Jingle Ball the Way
Posted on October 19, 2006
PHILADELPHIA: Alright, pop quiz time kids. I promise it’s an easy one. Here goes. What is a hasher’s favorite thing in the world? Ok, time’s up. I’m betting half of you answered beer and the other half answered sex. An abundance of beer is never an issue for the BFM, but I can only hypothesize that some hashers aren’t getting laid as much as they would prefer. Well, everyone can take comfort in the fact that the BFMers are probably getting more action than the Brits, although they may have us beat in the quality beer department. And while I’m on such a lascivious topic, I can’t help but be reminded that BFMers seem rather inclined to parade around in their underwear without much persuasion. Luckily for us Americans, we have the freedom to choose the style of underwear we sport. Not so for our Canadian brothers. This is human rights at its worst, people. Now I’ll conclude my monologue and let you get back to the trash…
I arrived at Callahan’s, just across the river from University City to join a crowd that was already at work mystifying the locals. Initially, the mob mystified the locals by simply ordering beer that wasn’t served in a can. The guilty parties included Can You Hear Me Now?, Cause for Blindness, Cunting Season, Fruit of the Clue, Just Darren, Just Jen, Just Jeremy, Just John, Just Manish, Plastic Pud, Rash, Scooby Snatch, Skin Fiddle, Stacks, Tickle My Elmo, Two Clump Chump, and Virgin Pimp. Noticing that we were wearing athletic clothing, one local was brave enough to approach the mob. But he had an ulterior motive and left a stack of applications for a 5k r*ce. Heh. He thought we were r*nners. Amusement aside, Cunting Season gnawed a short straw which was promptly selected by Tickle My Elmo. However, instead of taking the flour like a man, Tickle My Elmo chose to demonstrate his superior whining skills and released hareship to the BFM at large. Two Clump Chump quickly offered to set the trail with the handy disclaimer that he would “f*ck it up.” Having heard enough crazy talk, Can You Hear Me Now? deftly swooped in to grab the bag of flour and assume the role of hare.
The mob spent five minutes milling around and drinking more beer before spilling out onto the sidewalk for another effective trademark chalk talk from RA Scooby Snatch. After successfully confusing the virgin, the pack began sniffing for marks. The trail first went east before crossing the Schuylkill and heading into University City. Blobs of flour lead the pack around the Penn Tower parking garages, in front of the hospitals, and north toward Market St. Not surprisingly, the hare took full advantage of the Schuylkill River Trail as he directed the mob back to the bar. As everyone was stretching, a very late Dry Hump trotted in claiming he ran the entire trail. He was sweaty so we believed him. Then an even later Just Jen arrived with Tickle My Elmo triggering some suspicious whispers. Halting the rumor mill in favor of drinking, the mob filed into the bar and traded hash cash for beer. Soon it was time for Scooby Snatch to corral the wily mob into a circle and begin the down-downs. This particular circle did not disappoint.
Hare:
Can You Hear Me Now?
Virgins:
Just Jen – coerced into joining the depravity by Little F*cking Winkie
Just Darren – similarly tricked by the non-virgin variety of Just Jen
First In/Last In:
Virgin Pimp and Tickle My Elmo
Cums Lately:
Dry Hump
Dead F*cking Last:
Cause for Blindness – so late she even missed the Last In designation
Autohashers:
Bumble Beaver, Festering Beanie Baby, Just Jen, Little F*cking Winkie, Skin Fiddle, Sloppy Ho, and Up Her Alley
Accusations:
Festering Beanie Baby – for wearing a service medal (does anyone else wonder how the hell he got that name?)
Just Jeremy – for doing weight training on trail by r*nning with approximately 8 lbs. of coins in his pocket
Tickle My Elmo and Just Jen (the blonde one) – for an alleged “murky moment” on trail
Fruit of the Clue – for his painfully ugly shorts (who wants to bet they make another appearance?)
The GM and RA then announced that there would be a naming this evening and called not-Just-for-much-longer Jeremy into the center of the circle. Just Jeremy was badgered with the traditional deluge of questions including favorite sexual position (missionary) and favorite farm animal (I couldn’t hear the answer but it would probably be too scary for print). This inspired a list of potential names which included Stunt Dick Double (are you surprised…I’m not), Takes it Up the Ass Like a Man (quickly becoming equally as popular), Sticky White Stuff, Munch Money, and Sticky Dick. Luckily for everyone involved, Can You Hear Me Now? shouted out a suggestion and suddenly all was right in the world. The naming ceremony was concluded and from that moment forward the hasher formerly known as Just Jeremy would proudly sport the name Jingle Balls. Next Cause for Blindness was thrown into the center of the circle and held aloft so she could perform her birthday side-side. For good measure the mob also required the newly christened Jingle Balls to do a birthday side-side as well, just in case we hadn’t subjected him to enough trauma and humiliation for one evening. With that the floor was opened to announcements, which in turn instigated another accusation. Skin Fiddle was sent into the dock for promoting an athletic event. The final down-down completed, the circle was closed and the mob raced to empty more pitchers of lager. After many an additional beer the pack began to disperse into the now rainy night, already looking forward to causing debauchery (in costume!) next week.
On On,
Hold the Sausage
Announcements:
11/05 – 9 am at Callahan’s – 5k r*ce for cancer – $10 for hashers, $20 for everyone else
11/10 – Full Moon hared by Winkie
11/19 – beer check for Philly Marathon
Filed Under Trash |
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