BFMH3-140 The Power of Hash Compels You
Posted on October 26, 2006
The other day I was listening to the radio, and I heard what is quite possibly the most inappropriate holiday song ever in the history of the whole entire world, even if you include White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane as an Easter song or even the alternate lyrics to George Michael’s Last Christmas that my college roommate made up one night after vigorous game of quarters. That song is, ready for this?: Back Door Santa by Clarence Carter (the same artist who produced the tender love song Strokin’.) Let me tell you, I was appalled, and yet… I couldn’t turn away. Which was a lot like this week’s hash.
26 October 2006 - Philadelphia: This week was the third annual BFM Halloween (Hallo-Winkie) hash, complete with costumes and drinking and dancing and general debauchery and lots of visitors. The Mob gathered at old favorite McGillin’s, periodically disturbing bar patrons with the appearance of each new costume. Hashers and costumes are as follows, in no particular order. (Several people didn’t have traditional costumes, but had simply elected to pick up whatever was lying on the kitchen counter and wear it on their heads, so in those cases I will be making up the costume description. Because I can.)
Cunting Season – No actual costume, but claimed to be pretending to be a “nice person” for the night.
Gag Reflex – Tarty schoolgirl, in a skirt riding so low he had to explain his personal hygiene regimen several times.
Stacks – Also a tarty schoolgirl, but did not inspire anyone to say “That is so….wrong” in quite the same way.
Three Balls – Surfer, complete with surfboard and Nick Nolte’s hair.
Pony Boy – All the way from the BAH3, as an alien with some cute stripey tights.
Just Dave – Pony Boy’s virgin, also, amateur flasher.
Cousin It – After some deliberation, decided he was a witch.
Europee’n On Me – Supergirl!
Snowball – The Johnny Depp/Keith Richards pirate dude. You know who I mean.
Up Her Ali – Disgruntled Intel employee.
Fruit of the Clue – Allegedly The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, however his costume was exactly the same as Up Her Ali’s, except without the hardhat and stuffed with newspaper.
The Rash – One of the Stepford Wives.
Just Manish – Howard Stern.
Bitchard – Cleverly disguised as a runner. Allegedly he had a fez, but lost it on the way out.
Sloppy Ho – No costume, but wore the most obnoxious t-shirt she could find (It said “Cheerios” on it.)
Can You Hear Me Now? – F*cking surrealist costume. Seriously. Go look at the pictures.
Up the Rear and Mount Me - Both came from Hockessin as goth kids, and could have easily fit in at my high school.
Big Tackle – King Arthur from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Nice Nuggets, Fat Ass – Goddess.
Dry Hump – Evil Tastes Like Chicken.
Two Clump Chump – A gentleman bug.
Bumble Beaver – Queen Bee (Like the insect, not like Lil’ Kim).
Popeye’s Bitch – “The Asian guy from the Matrix.”
Hold the Sausage – French maid.
E = My Cock Squared – Wearing a rabbit-ear hat and a sheep thong, he was a zoo.
Strap-On – Cheerleader.
Virgin Pimp – Crazy guy. I don’t know. He had a tin-foil hat and an eyepatch. It’s your call.
Tickle My Elmo – Cat in the Hat. Also? Overslept and missed the hashing bit.
Hot Pants – Mammogram machine.
Skin Fiddle – Prisoner.
Bastard Child – Eagles fan.
Tour de Puke – all the way from Harrisburg, as Steve Irwin (but without the stingray.)
Crusty Calves – Proctologist, and holy sh*t you should’ve seen what she had on her glove.
Plastic Pud – No costume at all. None.
SheMan – Douchebag. He said so himself:
Can You Hear Me Now?: Oh, hey. Nice costume. Are you a douchebag?
SheMan: Yes! You’re the first one to guess!
Random Hasher: Douchebag!
You’ve got a good mental picture of everybody now? Good. Once everyone had gathered and bags were stowed, the Mob took off in search of trail. Ducking down an alley, the festively-clad Mob stood stumped at a check for several minutes, before taking off again, down streets, through alleys, across streets, through more alleys, across some more streets, finally arriving at the first beer stop of the night at The Locust Bar. After some beer, the Mob was off again, directed by intrepid co-hare Can You Hear Me Now? (His instructions, verbatim, were: “Go that way.”) So the Mob went that way, and then down into a subway station, through it, through some more alleys, and up Front St, and then through another alley and then arrived, panting and thirsty, at the second beer stop, Paddy’s. After another beer, the Mob was off again, through Chinatown and back to McGillin’s to pick up bags and wander over to startle the final bar of the evening, Finn MacCool’s.
The circle was convened almost immediately and was run by emergency backup RA Skin Fiddle. Violations are as follows:
Hares - Cunting Season, Can You Hear Me Now?, and under the “when on GM drinks rule” Tickle My Elmo
Visitors – Tour de Puke (Harrisburg-Hershey), Pony Boy (Baltimore-Annapolis), Crusty Calves, Hot Pants, Up the Rear, Mount Me (Hockessin)
Virgins – Just Dave, Pony Boy made him come
And then there was a Costume Contest! With fabulous prizes! Or at least booze!
Nominated for Worst Costume:
Virgin Pimp
Sloppy Ho
Gag Reflex
Two Clump Chump
And the winner of a fine bottle of peach-flavored Manischewitz was Virgin Pimp.
Nominated for Scariest Costume
Gag Reflex
Cunting Season
Crusty Calves
Dry Hump
By a landslide, Gag Reflex won a jar of corn whiskey for Scariest Costume.
It was at this point in the circle that there was some sort of wrestling match between E = My Cock Squared and his lovely wife Strap On, but I have no idea was it was about, so I’m just going to say that Strap On won and move on to
Best Costume Nominations
Bumble Beaver
Big Tackle
Snowball
And the winner was Big Tackle, who could now celebrate with a bottle of tequila.
OH, and but the circle wasn’t over yet! Yes! There’s more:
No-costume wankers: Bastard Child, Cunting Season, Sloppy Ho, SheMan, Plastic Pud, and under the “When one GM drinks” rule, Tickle My Elmo, and under the “When one hare drinks” rule, Can You Hear Me Now?
Autohashers: SheMan, Bastard Child, Skin Fiddle, Tickle My Elmo, and under the “When one GM drinks” rule, Cunting Season, and under the “When one hare drinks” rule, Can You Hear Me Now?
For getting his wig in his beer: Dry Hump
For wasting beer at the first beer check: Europee’n On Me, and under the “When one European drinks” rule, Fruit of the Clue
Comes Lately: Crusty Calves
Race Shirts: Three Balls, Pony Boy
For being really super-late: Little F*ckin’ Winkie, Deep Flute, and under the “When one former GM drinks” rule, The Rash, and under the “When one roommate drinks” rule SheMan.
Finally, the circle was closed. And then there was drinking, and inappropriate picture taking, and dancing, and more drinking.
Announcements
November 5 - Inaugural Running of the Race for Hope, great cause, click the link for details.
November 10 – Philly Full Moon, hared by Winkie and graciously hosted by SheMan and Deep Flute.
November 19 – Philadelphia Marathon Beer Check Mile marker 19/21 near Manayunk
Main Street. Announcement to follow soon. Rash will bring the quiche.
On On,
The Rash
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