PHILADELPHIA: So I’ve never been especially fond of the state of Texas. There’s just something about a place that screams Wal-Mart and barbequed meat that rubs me the wrong way. Now I have concrete incentive to avoid the Lone Star State. Lawmakers are lobbying to allow the blind to hunt. Not that I have anything against the blind enjoying wholesome outdoor sports, but seriously, does this seem like a good idea? And it just gets better. A Texas realtor has been bestowing fun party gifts on new homebuyers. The only thing that could improve the situation would be to offer the blind subsidized homes with bonus guns. Considering Texas’ track record, his will not end well.

Alright everyone, all I can say is wow. I somehow thought the Festivus Pub Crawl would be just like every other BFM hash. Never have I been so wrong. My notepad was almost completely filled with all of your exceptional exploits and magnificent misdeeds. My notepad also seems to be slightly stiff from dried beer. (I’m telling myself it is beer and won’t accept any other suggestions). I can’t read much of my notes which are penned in what I like to call drunk scrawl. I have strange drawings on the back of my notes. My story is by far one of the tamer tales of the evening. It’s almost appropriate that Festivus was held on December 7^th because it is undoubtedly a hash that will live forever in BFM infamy.

I arrived at Oscar’s, stop number one on the pub crawl, and encountered a booth occupied by Big Tackle, Just John, Pelvis Has Left the Building, and Scooby Snatch. I quickly grabbed a seat at booth number two, which was soon filled by Beagle, Lunar Digit, and Virgin Pimp. In preparation for an evening of heavy drinking, the boys ordered meat and, staying true to my namesake, I ordered fries. By the time the chalk talk was announced, the crowd had grown to include Cousin It, Cunting Season, E=MyCock², He’s a Lesbian, Just Dip, Little Red Riding Wood, Mayor Quimby, Rear Engineer, Sloppy Ho, Stacks, Strap On, Tastes Like Chicken, Tickle My Elmo, Up Her Alley, and Well Hung Jury. Everyone bundled up to brave the cold and enjoyed an uncharacteristically short chalk talk that could be summed up as: Follow the douche bag throwing flour forty feet to the next bar. Drink beer. Repeat. The mob expertly adhered to the RA’s instructions and trailed the hares to the next bar, Nodding Heads.

The beer was waiting for the mob as everyone climbed the stairs to the second floor of Nodding Heads. So was Sloppy Ho’s sister Just Alison and her posse, as well as Can You Hear Me Now?, Europeen’ on Me, Holy F*ck, Rash, and Two Clump Chump. As if beer wasn’t enough, the hashers were graced with their first true Festivus Miracle. Snow began to fall from the sky as if it were a blessing from the hashing gods above. The mob didn’t linger at stop number two long enough for anyone to be too foolish. However, Europeen’ did elect to entertain everyone with her impromptu pole dance on the Festivus Pole. Several pints later, it was time to continue crawling.

Instead of going straight to the final destination on the pub crawl, The Black Sheep, the hares had another surprise in store for the mob. The hashers convened in a trash filled alley to enjoy a minty shot check and a festive holiday song titled, “Walking Around in Women’s Underwear.” Anal Proboner and her friend Just Kelly joined the trail at this point, along with the alley’s resident wino, who was likely awakened by the scandalous warbling. After offering a shot to the wino, Pelvis accepted a drink from his paper bag covered bottle. Yum! Having sampled all that the alley could offer, the mob moved on to The Black Sheep.

Rather than being relegated to the basement as usual, the BFM was ushered to the upstairs bar and began polishing off the many bottles of lager patiently awaiting our arrival. In typical fashion, He’s a Lesbian wasted no time in spotting the only table of unchaperoned women in the bar and mercilessly cruising them. Mayor Quimby and Beagle soon joined in, whether by some sick desire to witness Lesbian in action or by some ulterior motives of their own. The chicks were so impressed with the size of Mayor Quimby’s (borrowed) Festivus Pole that they complained loudly when he took it away. But there was good reason to abandon the locals; it was time to begin the circle.

Hares:

Cunting Season, E=MyCock², and Sloppy Ho – who were roasted for not providing enough winos on trail

Virgins:

Just Alison, Just Matt, and Just Nick – all part of Sloppy Ho’s band of merry guests
Just John – brought by Mayor Quimby and distinguished from the other Just John we all know and love by his uncanny resemblance to KFed/FedEx

First In/Last In:

Some combination of Tickle My Elmo, Two Clump Chump, and Well Hung Jury with Scooby Snatch as a fellow Full Moon GM

Cums Lately:

He’s a Lesbian, Just Dip, Just John x 2, and Pelvis with K-Fed’s doppelganger drinking twice because he down downed early

Autohashers:

Anal Proboner, Can You Hear Me Now?, and Just Kelly

Birthday Side Side:

Rash

Grievances:

Scooby Snatch – for being mismanagement of three hashes simultaneously

Tickle My Elmo – for bringing up “the ninja sh*t”

Well Hung Jury – for not remembering Just Alison

Pelvis – for some false grievance – it must have been pretty bad considering what made the cut

Pelvis – for wearing running clothes to a pub crawl

Next all of the hares and all of the on secs then had to drink for some reason that was completely lost to me. I just downed the cup of beer thrust into my hands without asking questions. Then E was harassed for just barely being beat by Lance at the New York Marathon and a false accusation was brought up against Stacks.

Fruit of the Clue – for being a “walking grievance”

Europeen’ on Me – for owning red sparkly knee high boots and never wearing them

Cunting Season – for being mean spirited

Mayor Quimby – for a false tech on trail accusation (everyone has tech on trail at a pub crawl)

Mayor Quimby – for pimping out the Festivus Pole

Rash – for being too drunk to r*n trail at Stinko

He’s a Lesbian – for always hitting on the girls at hash bars

Scooby Snatch – for hitting on Mayor Quimby’s sister, with fellow GM Elmo

Then I had to drink again for another reason I didn’t quite catch. Then I grew weary of writing and just decided to join in the heckling, so all circle events from this point on are up to all of you to remember. At some point the circle was finally closed and the mob truly got down to business. Shots flowed almost as freely as the lager. Many a good sensibility was abandoned and many a memory was erased. Can You Hear Me Now? persevered to become the Undisputed Thumbmaster of the BFM, a title which was in fact disputed by many. If you’d like to hear his logic, you should ask him personally. Virgin Pimp also enjoyed numerous crotch gropes, several by Anal Proboner and one particularly violent grope by Tickle My Elmo. Finally the last stragglers made it to the party, Little F*cking Winkie, New Kid on the Cock, and SheMan among them. Many shots later, the hashers began to slowly stagger home. Most don’t remember exactly how or when they got home. Luckily, handy morning hangovers reminded each hasher that he’d been drinking with the BFM and that another night of drinking to excess and excess debauchery was only a Thursday away.

On On,

Hold the Sausage

Overheard at the Hash:

Scooby: I love the sheep!

Beagle: Missouri loves company.

Rash, to Virgin Pimp: Why do you stare at other guys’ crotches?

Just John: That pole has been in some weird places tonight.

Fruit of the Clue: It takes a long time…
He’s a Lesbian: Just keep telling yourself that.

Can You Hear Me Now?: Once you go blacksheep you can never go backsheep.