BFM #157– The Mob cums home to Mom
Posted on February 26, 2007
Matt’s dick is mediocre and curves slightly to the right…one of the many insightful (and poetic) rants woven in the tapestry of graffiti on the women’s room wall at Tatooed Mom.
The BFM gathered here at this South Street punk bar for it’s 157th Hash last Thursday. The place was perfect for our attention-deficient group, replete with inked up patrons, inked up walls, inked up velvet portraits of Elvis, the black Michael Jackson, and Jesus. And those cool old bumper cars (inked up as well). If only they’d work for real …
WHO CAME:
Hold The Sausage, Sloppy Ho, Holy Fuck, 2 Clump Chump, Rear Engineer, Scooby Snatch, Just Arpad, Beagle, Stacks, The Rash, Big Tackle, 3 Balls, Fiber Opdick, Tickle My Elmo, Sly Fox, Cause for Blindness, Bumble Beaver, Popeye’s Bitch, Well Hung Jury, Virgin Pimp, Queef, Softcore Anal-yst, Tour de Puke, Tight Lips, Just Travis, Just Shannon, Just Erik, Just Guy, and Just Christina … ah, but that was just the beginning.
Sloppy Ho took the virgins outside for a pre-circle “Hashing 101,” while the rest of us stayed warm inside with our beer. Cause for Blindness was busy hyping her upcoming divorce party to the Mob … the separation was longer than the marriage, so it is indeed Cause for celebration. I am eyeing everyone suspiciously as a potential Stan-napper.
Queef drew the short straw and dragged Scooby Snatch with him, claiming he didn’t know the area well. Waaa. Soon the Mob headed outside for a quick ‘chalk talk’ and we took off down South Street, wind in our hair, wings at our feet.
We r*n exactly one block before losing the well laid “trail” and spent the next several minutes check-hanging at a corner, while someone other than me looked for the next mark. My virgin, Just Shannon, asked if we would be r*nning at some point, obviously impressed with the group so far.
E=My Cock Squared and Strap On suddenly materialized as they tend to do. I’m suspecting they were the ones who eventually found that stray mark heading down 6th Street.
Of course, there were no arrows or checks to indicate we should have been heading in a different direction from South Street. This led Big Tackle to get about as annoyed as I’ve ever seen him… “It’s just not right.”
The mob continued down 6th Street, dodging piles of dirty snow, black ice (mind your enunciation when pointing this out to people on trail), one abandoned thong, and a woman in a very wide brimmed hat that almost decapitated me. Cheering us along the way were many helpful folks: “Faster!” “Keep it moving people!” Thanks. Just Arpad made sure the Mob stayed on track with accurate and timely directions: “On lef… uh … RIGHT!”
We were delighted to discover a sassy “BN” outside the Locust Bar. After chatting with Mr. Friendly Neighborhood Barfly about our rigorous running program and downing a beer, I went outside again to check hang with the group. Some damn FRB found the trail and we eventually had to r*n. Back at Mom’s, we were corralled into the back alley for the circle. Here Mayor Quimby and Nice Nuggets…Fat Ass appeared in their civilian attire.
HARES:
Scooby Snatch and Queef
VIRGINS:
Just Erik: Made himself cum. Apparently he met some BFMers at Bonners one night and thought to self: “I want to be like them.”
Just Shannon: Yep, I made her cum. In a move I could never have anticipated, my virgin proceeded to dump precious beer down the sewer grate halfway through her down-down. Tickle My Elmo retaliated by dumping his beer on my virgin. Flirt.
VISITOR?
Tour de Puke (Harrisburg/Hershey): At some point you are no longer considered a “visitor” if you show up more than the BFM. He chose the song option … last time he told a joke… the time before that…
TRANSPLANT:
Tight Lips: Sang a short song about a short song.
FIRST IN:
Tickle My Elmo: Hmm. Something’s not right.
LAST IN:
Cause for Blindness: And don’t try to steal this title from her. Stacks made the observation, “as a divorcee, she chugs much faster.”
AUTOHASHERS:
Mayor Quimby and Nice Nuggets…Fat Ass: Sloppy Ho led the crowd in a-rousing rendition of “Someone’s in My Sisters Vagina.” Scooby Snatch appeared to be singing this with noteworthy enthusiasm as Mayor Quimby looked on*.
*Refer to BFM 131 trash
Before the accusations began, Sloppy Ho needed to remind the mob of the “state your name in the circle” rule…Stop yer whining, and just do it.
ACCUSATIONS:
- Scooby Snatch: “Ambiguity in the trail guide as to whether a hare stays at the beer check” … This accusation was ruled false
- Tour de Puke: “Why does E have your pants?” He made up an excuse about having stayed at E’s place months ago.
- Virgin Pimp: Racing traffic
- “???”: Making a comment about the shape of the circle
- Scooby Snatch: Not remembering “???”’s name is Well Hung Jury. And under the “When one GM drinks, all GMs drink, Hold the Sausage and Tickle My Elmo.
At some point, a woman who had been watching us from her window above the alley was invited by the BFM to join the circle. She bravely appeared a few minutes later, and Elmo introduced her as Yamurai …Don’t ask me if it’s right … sounded something like “Samurai” with a Y. Realizing there was only one beer left, we reluctantly turned it over to our new friend since we made her cum down.
FURTHER ACCUSATIONS:
- Popeye’s Bitch: Complaining that beer gives him cramps. Not true, it was just his time of the month.
- Scooby Snatch accused Hold the Sausage of having headgear in the circle but retracted this when threatened with the “When one GM drinks” rule.
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
- NNFA: BFM 150 shirts are now on sale for $15 bucks. Get ‘em while they last.
- Cause for Blindness: “I am a single woman!” … Yes, this was the same announcement made 3 weeks ago when she broke up with her boyfriend. But now she is more singler.
- Bumble Beaver: The Philly Roller Girls’ East Coast Extravaganza will be held March 17th and 18th. If you haven’t seen them… they kick ass! Congratulations to our Beaver on her “graduation” from Derby academy. She will now be known as “Tara Newone”.
- Tickle My Elmo: March 8th will be the BFM pre-pre-lube to the “Green Dress” run … March 9th is the Philly Full Moon pre-lube … and March 10th is the Philly Green Dress Run. Note: Still no details posted about The Green Dress Run two weeks away, We are told it will again be at the Key West Bar and the cost will be $30 bucks.
- Cause For Blindness: A reminder about the roadtrip to the H5/Reading “Dick on A Stick” Hash. I have no idea … talk to Cause.
- Tour de Puke: Reminder about the 5th Anal Stinko De Mayo Hash with Harrisburg/Hershey. Will be capped at 150 attendees.
The circle was finally closed, so we headed inside for BEER. At the upstairs bar, sharing a big basket of greasy waffle fries like Lady and the Tramp, were Up Her Ali and Fruit of the Clue ducking the outside circle.
As hashers were gleefully drinking in the bumper cars, and Just Arpad was passing out fries to the hungry crowd, Just Shannon and I decided to check out some more bathroom philosophy. The women’s room offered several thought-provoking gems:
- I hope Carlo gets run over by a semi and leaves me with the Harleys
- Cellulitis of the nether region sucks … I wouldn’t recommend eating the fries here then.
- Wipe your vaginus [sic... and sick]
- Crack stunts your titty and ass growth… And that’s why I do crack.
- Becky vomited, fucked, pooped, and did coke here… in that order?
The men’s room was a huge disappointment in comparison. Just a mass confusion of guys’ names scribbled over guys’ names … what’s the point? It did rate highest on the skeeviness factor.
Our Grand Mistress, Hold the Sausage soon made an announcement that the circle was being re-opened. Could it be that Just Arpad was going to finally receive his name after enduring almost 3 weeks of hashing? There’s no such thing as a free basket of fries, people – it was all part of his plan.
Some of the suggestions from the Mob… BFM favorite Stunt Dick Double (one of these times it will stick), Lunch Lady (for providing us with food last 2 hashes), Southern Comfort, Takes it Up the Ass Like a Man, Finger Food, Crack Whore, and Drug Fiend …
In the end, Just Arpad was christened Attilla the Hung. Not for the reasons you may imagine. He is Hungarian and his middle name happens to be Attilla. That’s Arpad Attilla to you.
And as if the evening couldn’t get any more sublime, and my notes couldn’t get any longer, Stan made a surprise appearance late in the evening after having gone missing a week earlier (thanks to the negligence of Tickle My Elmo).
The perp, E=My Cock Squared, apparently had jetted her away for a romantic week in our nation’s capital. We were worried she had fallen into a life of substance abuse and prostitution (with people other than us), or worse – into the hands of the Everyday is Wednesday H3.
A relieved Mayor Quimby cradled his offspring to his bosom, saying, “No matter what she’s gone through, just look at that joy on her face! We can all learn a lot from Stan.” So true. In the excitement of the moment, I made the mistake of kissing Stan’s head, unaware that minutes earlier she was in the bathroom shoved down The Rash’s pants.
On a side Stan note, the BFM Mismanagement will be starting a Friday social club in the next couple weeks called “Stan’s Bitches”. More information to cum!
After I successfully avoiding dodging the whiskey shots that were now being passed around, my virgin Just Shannon and I left. I asked her what she thought… she said, “Interesting.”
On, On!
Holy Fuck
Other randoms overheard at the Hash:
“His rocket is open 24 hours” - 2 Clump Chump
“I don’t know how my parents birthed me!” – Dumb girl outside the Locust Bar
“Arpad, get on your knees” - Cause for Being Single
Filed Under Trash |
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