BFM #158 – Dragons. Dungeons and The Black Sheep
Remember those days in college when you were so exhausted from staying up studying or partying the night before that your notes, the next day, were illegible and made no sense? Welcome to my world. My first on-sec assignment has taught me to either learn how to run and write or stop drinking while conducting official on-sec business. Yea, like I’m gonna stop drinking. Hopefully, my memory will serve me when my notes fail. The night went kinda like this…
Fade out to black.
Fade in:
Black Sheep Pub – the crowded basement bar
Attila The Hung and I walked downstairs…we were first to arrive. We made our way over to the bar, through the throngs of well-dressed, mid-20-somethings out for Thursday Happy Hour. We were almost an hour early so we caught the bartender’s attention and started a happy hour of our own.
As I sipped my first Molson, I noticed Attila slamming back his Strongbow as if he were a parched explorer just returning from a trek across the Sahara. He realized we still had time and ordered up a Guinness. Before any other hashers arrived, and before the residual Guinness head was the only thing remaining in his pint glass, Attila questioned aloud, "Should I volunteer to hare?" Knowing he was almost two beers into it I replied, "Are you sure?" He said confidently, "I should volunteer to hare. I know exactly where I’m going to go."
And like a crack in a damn, the mob began to trickle in…joining us were The Rash, Sloppy Seconds, Scooby Snatch, and Just Travis.
I joined the circle that was forming, second Molson in hand, and encountered the following exchange:
The Rash:
That’s your hand in your pocket, right?
Scooby:
(smiling)
Don’t worry; I’ve got it all in hand. I’m really feeling cocky.
Soon after a flood ensued of hashers and beer:
Plastic Pud, Fruit of The Clue, Just Erik, Softcore Analyst, Hold the Sausage, Beagle, Virgin Pimp, Jingle Balls, Well Hung Jury, Tickle My Elmo, Rear Engineer, Sloppy Ho, 2 Clump Chump, Little Red Riding wood, CYHMN?, Mayor Quimby, and Stan.
With dry bags piled ‘safely’ in front of the ATM, Sloppy Ho quietly called us to "order" with, what Scooby referred to as, a "snatch air-out" which was really a cheerleading kick from Sloppy‘s pre-hashing years. I was impressed – Beer and a show! Nice. No virgins this night so our Grand Mistress, Hold the Sausage, announced that BFM #161 would be a pub crawl. With that thought dancing through our heads, similar to Homer Simpson dreaming of Duff beer, the Mob headed up and out to chase our volunteer hare’s trail.
We went down 17th Street and up Spruce. As we crossed over 18th Street, we saw E=My Cock Squared and Strap On running away from us up 18th Street (to drop off gear) and that’s when I twisted my ankle and almost wiped out. We rounded a corner up on Pine Street and headed through a dog park. Reaching the other side, we had apparently lost trail because the mob was wandering around the park like a pack of bloodhounds trying to pick up a scent. The Rash asked, "Who’s the FRB?" "Fruit of the Clue", was the response. To that she said, "Fruit of the Clue is a poor man’s Wingnuts." As we backtracked through the park, Elmo joked," Hey, weren’t we just here?"
We headed South on Taney Street and turned right onto the South Street bridge. "Ohhhhh fuuuuuudge" I thought to myself, like Ralphie in A Christmas Story, "Attila‘s taking us into West Philly? This is going to be a long-ass run." We proceeded to cross the street and when I looked around, I suddenly felt like I was at a circus when I saw Scooby Snatch and Just Erik running on the railing of the bridge while Fruit of the Clue played Chicken with cars coming onto the bridge.
Now bear with me because this is where my second Molson started to kick in. My notes are a mess and my memory is fuzzy…
So, we proceeded up South Street, over 33rd Street and in around Drexel University. We found a false at Spruce and 34 Street. I rounded the corner and saw the mob entering the DU Administration building. It was getting colder and rain loomed so I was happy just to get inside. Our familiar flour trail markings were replaced with Black Sheep Tavern coasters. As we walked and ran through the halls, we were greeted along the way by curious and rather confused students and faculty. At one point, we lost trail, and apparently half the mob. This was due to the fact that the janitors were "cleaning up" the coasters. Sloppy Ho, not liking litter, was doing her fare share as well. I saw an unknown hasher toss a coaster over the railing into the "grand hall" and say, "Look, there’s a coaster down there!" and the lost trail had been "found." The mob headed out of the building and we ran into our hare at Market and 32nd Street, along with Up Her Ali. Had the FRB’s caught our hares? Not this night. Our hares had planned a beer check but the bar was requiring ID from everyone in the mob.
With that we decided to head back to Center City. I’m not sure who chose the route but where ever we were, it felt as if I were in a dungeon. It was like some underground, transportation dock graveyard, and was probably the scariest place I’d ever been in Philly…and I graduated from Temple. As we headed down Market Street, I heard people say they felt raindrops and at the corner, Scooby called for an impromptu beer check. Inside the warm oasis, the ever thinning mob, consumed light beer and turned to American Idol and Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader. I heard Elmo quip about one of the contestants, "Jacob looks like the guy who gives a few titty twisters but takes a lot more."
We polish off our beers and head out into the now rainy night. We returned to the Black Sheep to find our lost mob and several auto-hashers. And with beers poured, Sloppy Ho performs another "snatch air-out" and the circle commences.
HARE:
- Atilla The Hung (and Up Her Ali)
At this point, Stan entered the circle on all fours but Mayor Quimby came in to the rescue. Apparently, she’s not completely over the clap.
FIRST IN:
I missed that one…I was one of the last in (see below)
LAST IN:
- Sloppy Ho (Sloppy Seconds under the ‘when one Sloppy drinks’ rule)
- Well Hung Jury
- Europee’n On Me (Fruit of the Clue and Atilla The Hung under the ‘when one European drinks’ rule)
AUTOHASHERS:
- Skin Fiddle
- Little F*cking Winkie
- Popeye’s Bitch
- Sly Fox
- Mrs. Robinson and Bumble Beaver arrived later.
CUMS LATELY:
- Skin Fiddle
- Plastic Pud
- Little Red Riding wood
- Little F*cking Winkie
- Sloppy Seconds (Sloppy Ho under the ‘when one sloppy drinks’ rule)
ACCUSATIONS:
- CYHMN?: Atilla for not using "F" on trail to mark falses. (Europee’n On Me and Fruit of the Clue under the ‘when one European drinks’ rule)
- Well Hung Jury: Sloppy Ho for having the same haircut as Posh Spice (Sloppy Seconds under the ‘when one sloppy drinks’ rule)
- Sloppy Ho: Elmo for not being as smart as a 5th grader
- Mayor Quimby: Elmo for alcohol abuse (Scooby Snatch and Hold The Sausage under the ‘when one GM drinks’ rule)
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
- BFM 150 shirts will return on 08 March. The cost? $15. Get ‘em while they last.
- Green Dress Weekend!!!
- Shamrock Pre-pre Lube – BFM – 08 March– Drinkers Pub (Old City)
- Pre-Lube – Philly Full Moon – 09 March – Johnny Bear’s (South Philly)
- Green Dress Run – 10 March – 3pm – Key West – Juniper Street near Locust
On, On!
Europee’n On Me
Overheard at the Hash:
“I heard The Rash is spreading all over Philly” – Scooby Snatch
"I wish I was drunker." – Just Erik
Well, I was really feeling cocky, but close enough.