March 8, 2007.  It’s my 26^th birthday again and where else would I be but with my favorite Mob at Drinkers Pub in Olde City for the BFM #159. Like Jerry Seinfeld says, birthdays are really celebration that you managed make it another year without dying. So this at least deserves a drink.  

 

Arriving late to the bar because there’s NO parking in Olde City, I noted a smaller than usual crowd was drinking inside… someone handed me a shot of something fruity, so I am happy. The volunteer hares for this evening, Cunting Season and Beer Sucks, were already off marking the trail.

 

Mayor Quimby was telling us how he is putting his foot down with Stan’s choice of Green Dress outfit: “She wants HO, I say no… She wants TRASHY, I say classy.” Kids these days. 

Sloppy called us outside and talked chalk with the Mob:

 

 

We headed down Front Street soon stopping at the first check-hang of the evening.  Mayor Quimby had Stan stuffed in his sweatshirt like a baby Bjorn. Finding trail, we soon encountered another check. This happened at every corner we came to, which soon split the Mob into packs of 4 r*nning in all directions around the city. Thankfully, the pack eventually came together     again … because I missed them.

 

In 15 minutes we had already looped back to Market Street across from where we started. Were we on bar?? NO.   But we did find trail to a nice BN at Sugar Mom’s … the distant evil cousin of Tatooed Mom’s.

 

We descended into the fiery pit, where the heat must have been cranked to about 90. A very cool amusement park car brought back a childhood memory of getting sick on the Scrambler. “Luck Be a Lady” was playing on the jukebox.

 

As Elmo was wiping his sweaty face on mine and Europee’n On Me’s shirts, the bartender served up some cold PBR tall boys, which Stan kept cool between her legs. “Straddle the can, Stan! Good girl.” 

 

Sloppy Ho, gearing up for the weekend festivities, showed off her sequined “party pants” under her running attire.  And Attila the Hung, Europee’n on Me and I were trying to sell the benefits of Myspace to a skeptical Fiber Opdick.

 

Mayor Quimby thought he recognized a naked Kirstie Alley on the Photo Hunt screen (aka the Crack Box). I told him she’s still got 200 pounds to go on Jenny Craig.  Trivia Fact: Mayor Quimby claims he dated a girl that looked like Kirstie Alley (after 10 beers). And he dated Erica from the original Bachelor.  

 

We saw Cause for Blindness hobbling down the steps, guided by a really swell Guy, after having taken a huge spill on trail. One of the hazards of getting hammered before r*nning.

 

Little Fucking Winkie, my fellow birthday man, and Parrot Head showed up followed not to long after by STD in what appeared to be a mink coat and running pants, and Handful of Cock.

 

Pictures were being taken of the Mob as usual by Tickle My Elmo, but don’t expect to see them. Ever.

 

At the bar, we were discussing Stan’s recent travels and howwe’d like to see her get to more places than DC. Mayor Quimby said with his job [as an air marshall] he could be taking her to lots of places, but there’s was no way in hell he could explain to security why he was carrying “a little dolly” in his bag.

 

Attilla the Hung impressed Europee’n and myself by speaking Hungarian, while Mayor Quimby tried to converse with him using words like “goulash”.   Stan and I decided to entertain the crowd by balancing beer cans on the flat spots on our heads.  Mine is much flatter than hers for the record.

 

This was just a beer check in case you lost track of time like we did. It seemed like we were there an hour. $40 bucks can buy a lot of tall boys a 2 bucks a piece. Ok it can buy 20. With no tip. But the extra alcohol inside the can must have gone a long way. Just Guy brought us back to reality: “Are we gonna leave and start runnin’ again?”   There’s always one that ruins it for the group.

 

We thought we would now have an easy run back to the bar. No…we somehow ended up at Washington Square for a very long check-hang.   Someone asked if we should abort the run. “Hare problem – dead end!” was called out by another hasher looking for a mark.   Finally we heard “On 1, On 2, On 6 (LFW) and headed on, on.

 

As we ran down the beautiful tree lined streets with brick sidewalks, Little Fucking Winkie reminded us that in colonial times — on these very same streets — people puked, peed and pooped like they do today. A lot of interesting scenarios went through my head at that moment.

 

Europeen on Me and I got in a philosophical discussion about birthdays… I tossed out the old cliché “It’s all a state of mind” and added that I try to reinvent my youth each year… so I am heading backwards now. Europee’n said it’s just like Mork and Mindy…when I die I will end up in an egg like Jonathan Winters.   I will take an egg over a wooden box.

 

EoM and I realized we could short cut back to the bar at this point.   As we approached the door to Drinkers (thinking we were going to be the first in) I slowed my pace so Euro would cross the finish first. She realized what I was up to and slowed down too.  It was a draw. We decided to duck behind a car until the Mob came in, but noticed Sloppy Ho  already in the bar.. along with a ton of other people that got in before us.  So much for our cleverness.

 

Inside we also found some autohashers: Can You Hear Me Now, Skin Fiddle, and Nice Nuggets…Fat Ass.     Rear Engineer was downstairs in the Mob’s dungeon, collecting the hash cash for the night. He was mystified when Just Guy placed down $7.00 of Sakajawea coins in front of him … someone actually uses this currency?! 

 

 Attilla the Hung had graciously gone on a Wawa run for chips and pretzels since he pretty much autohashed except for his walk to the beer check. Scooby Snatch, Bastard Child, and Bumble Beaver appeared in the crowd as the bartender was popping off the bottle tops of Miller High Life … the champagne of beers!

 

Mayor Quimby was proposing a “Wife Beater Hash” to GM Hold the Sausage. It’s  where the girls have to stay in the “fuckng kitchen” and serve “fucking beer”…. “Im just getting into character there of course,” said Quimby.   Hmm…I don’t think this theme will fly under the gynocracy.

 

I notice a mural of Johnny Cash on the wall … he’s giving us all the finger.  

 

Sloppy Ho circled up the crowd …

 

HARES:

Cunting Season (Ole, ole, ole, ole!) and   Beer Sucks (appropriately drinking water … what about a shot?)

 

All of a sudden there was a commotion in the circle, as a few people noticed Sloppy’s song “cheat sheet”.   Uh oh. She tried to hide if from the prying eyes of Scooby Snatch and others, but too late.  

 

Meanwhile, hasher/engineer, Tickle My Elmo tried unsuccessfully to unplug the blaring music from behind the bar.

 

VIRGIN:    Just Olivia

VISITORS:   Heave Ho … Last hash was DC.

FIRST IN: E=My Cock Squared … not Europee’n on Me or Holy Fuck as previously thought.

LAST IN: Parrot Head

AUTOHASHERS: Bumble Beaver,Skin Fiddle, Scooby Snatch,Bastard Child, NNFA, Attilla the Hung.   And under the when one GM drinks rule… Elmo and HTS.

 

-E= My Cock Squared: “I violate Just Guy for paying in coins!”

-Cunting Season: Scooby Snatch for being and overachieving ass clown (OAAC) and r*nning a marathon last weekend.   And under the when one GM drinks rule…Elmo and HTS

-Sloppy Ho: Cunting Season and NNFA for calling the kettle black. 

-Elmo: Sloppy Ho for wearning Pelvis’ party pants. And under the when one Sloppy drinks rule… Sloppy Second.   And when one gynocracy drinks…

-Little Fucking Winkie: “Live Tackle” for missing a mark.

-E=My Cock Squared: Winkie for sounding like a Temple Grad

 

At this point, the when one person drinks.. everyone drinks accusations kept piling on and I cant write this fast.  It’s my birthday and I’ve done shots! Why am I in charge of the trash tonight?

 

Oh yeah…and I have one more thing here about a Just somebody who drank out of their new shoes… here’s where my reporting skills go down hill…

 

BIRTHDAYS: Holy Fuck and Little Fucking Winkie got side-sided. Stan helped hold up Winkie’s Winkie.

 

-Tickle My Elmo announced the Full Moon Pre lube and the Green Dress Run

-Bumble Beaver announced the 17^th and 18^th – Rollerderby.Girls East Coast Extravaganza. Watch her Tara Newone when she skates on Sunday!

- NNFA- BFM Tee shirts are still available!

-Holy Fuck and Mayor Quimby – the parents of Stan announced the 17^th Stan’s Bitches St Pattys Day crawl and Euro’s birthday 7:00 am… she will eat her donut side side style.. 

 

After the circle was closed, 2 Bud Girls announced some good news to the Mob… they were giving hashers FREE bottles of beer!   The bad news? It was Bud Lite.   Remember, “I before E, except in Budweiser”. 

 

At this point, I took a Bumble Beaver, E=My Cock Squared, and Europee’n On Me upstairs for birthday shots! Yay!   So those were the last of my notes.   The rest of the story I’ve reconstructed from pictures, bar receipts, and second hand information:

 

Some hashers left

We did more shots

More hashers left

A random girl bought me a shot

Fiber Opdick got a spanking from me

Scooby was doing impressions of Ed Grimley from SNL

More hashers left

Fiber Opdick tried to convince Scooby to make out with him so the girls would agree to make out with each other

Scooby said no way

No girls made out

I did grab Sausage’s boob

More hashers did more shots

There was a pizza involved at the end of the night

I woke up with a hangover and Cause on my couch.

 

 

 

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-Jack Handy

 

 

 

 

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