BFM Hash #160 - Beware the Ides of Hash
Posted on March 21, 2007
It was a dark and stormy night, the slim showing of hashers were surprisingly sedated. Maybe they were preparing for the upcoming Stan’s Bitches pub crawl or maybe someone slipped them some roofies in their pre-run beer. Regardless, the lack of hashing enthusiasm was (not) unusual. Well, except for Elmo. The bastid showed up drunk after imbibing and watching March Madness for several hours.
Among the pack braving the rainy weather: Plastic Pud, Soft Core Analyst, Hold the Sausage, Fiber Opdick, Allturd Boy (formerly Just Guy – if you want to know why, read the e-mail from Cause on the Fat Boy Hash), Beagle, Just Christina, Fruit of the Clue, Rear Engineer, E-MC2, Strap On, Europeen On Me, Cousin It, Heave Ho, Popeye’s Bitch, Just Eric, Just Travis, and Up Her Ali
At some point, someone decided (E probably) that we should draw straws. The pack coalesced. As luck would have it, I drew the short straw. Just Christina kindly agreed to co-hare and out we went into the rain. Until, we realized were given five pounds of flour, but no bag to hold it in. We had to improvise.
Europeen On Me took some notes on what happened in the few minutes before the pack went out into the rain. The pack learned that Hold the Sausage pulled her hamstring. Fiber Opdick mentioned that she pulled her hamstring by grabbing her ankles. (sounds like a good night for Beagle) The pack also discussed a circle jerk around the Tour de Jugs. An important questions was raised, ‘If a guy’s cum crosses, does it make him gay?’ We also learned that the Tour de Jugs is an individual team event. (No oxymoron there, I swear)
The trail:
Well, I was the hare, so I have pretty good idea where the trail went, but….would the pack?? Europeen On Me attempted to take notes in the rain, but it was too wet to take any notes. Here is what I imagined what happened, plus what I overheard from the pack when they returned to the bar. The bar following the trail onto Market Street and went north on 21st Street. Elmo said, “Running and drinking is hard” and “The first day of March Madness is fantastic day for gamblers and alcoholics.”
The notes stopped here… From haring, I know the trail went around the Cherry Street Tavern neighborhood and over the Vine Street Expressway. The pack was check hanged at the check right past the Vine Street. The pack eventually found the trail that went through the Park Towne Place and onto the Ben Franklin Parkway. The trail went to the Art Museum steps and over to Pennsylvania Avenue. (with a couple checks somewhere in there) The trail went down PA Ave. until 19th street. At 19th street, we left a Boob Check that no one saw. The pack went through a park, down to Vine street, across Logan Circle, and then back to the bar.
The circle:
E, as the emergency backup RA, was in charge of the circle.
Hares: Up Her Ali and Just Christina (she was named later.. hold your horses)
Virgin: Just Kate
First In: E
Last In: Rear Engineer
Autohashers: Rash, Scooby, Sausage, Mrs. Robinson, Beagle, Jingle Balzzz, Cousin It (but he bolted prior to the circle after he told everyone about his hash on Saturday – but we will get him next time)
Birthday Side Sides – 2 Clump Chump, Europeen on Me
Accusations:
Elmo – For attempted manslaughter, he pushed someone into the street.
E – For being an FRB that caused the pack to miss the Boob Check.
There was a naming – Just Christina stepped into the circle:
We learned that Just Christina is a kleptomaniac, she can power chug like a Rugby Player (she won the Tour de Jugs t-shirt – it’s French you know), she beat up Scooby at her first hash (she learns really quick), and she learned to roll a kayak quickly.
Based on this, the potential candidates were: (and yes, I was writing this down)
Take it up the Ass Like a Man, Stunt Clit Double, Snatch Lock, Pink on the Outside, Fuck if I Know, Over Easy, Chocolate Starfish (this needed some clarification for some of us), Five Fisted Discount, Stinky Pinky, Chugs for Jugs, Pink Jugs, Takes it up the Shirt, Limberdulterer
The finalists were: Snatch Lock, Over Easy, Stinky Pinky
And the winner was….. Over Easy
The circle was closed at this point. I was sure it would be reopened at some point during the night.
Sure it was, when is it not? … Holy Fuck arrived. Apparently, she drove to the hash and she lives a mere two blocks away.
Evening highlights (lowlights):
Inspired by the romantic events that were occurring in the bar area between Sly Fox and Jingle Balzzz, we discovered the Hash Love Continuum (HLC™), an amazing scientific breakthrough.
The continuum goes like this:
Bitter Singles – Random Hookups - Potential Hash Love - New in Love aka Disgusting Couples – Psycho Couple– Marrieds – Restraining Order- Divorced
In the hash love continuum, we have the following – Bitter Singles (The rest of us) Random Hookups (Scooby, Winkie) – Potential Hash Love (Sly/Jingle) – New in Love aka Disgusting Couples (Rash/Anal Fission - Part Time)- Couples (Sausage/Beagle) – Psycho Couple (2 Clump/Scooby) - Marrieds (E/Strap On, Scooby, Deep Flute/SheMan, Winkie) – Restraining Order (Elmo/Scooby, Scooby, Winkie) – Divorced (Cause – yay, Scooby)
Lather, rinse, repeat…
Then we discovered the pink mail…(not pink hole or pink shirt – don’t get confused, there is a lot of pink tonight. Even, the guys perked up, really, they did…) As part of their restraining order, Elmo must deliver Scooby’s monthly shipment of porn. Oh yes, he did, and then we f*cked, and it was good… (ok, back to task) We learned about this from the pink envelope that appeared in the stack of mail. It was pink and sticky (and the guys were more excited.. really, they were)
Including Virgin Pimp, who decided to get to know the latest virgin, Just Kate, a little bit better. We were shocked by this sudden and unusual display.
At some point during the night, Duke lost. Our guess is that at least half of the room had them to go all the way and is now out of their pools. Except Strap On, she has magic psychic powers that drove her to pick against them. Then, we learned that the University of Maryland began rioting.
Two Clump and Scooby are engaged. We knew something was up.
Per his usual outfits, we learned that Fruit of the Clue stole his shoes from Cirque du Soleil.
Somewhere in my messy handwriting and beer chugging, I had the three words Yoga, Beagle, and Sausage. I assume it has something to do with the HLC (hash love continuum) and/or Sting and his tantric ten hour love sessions.
Announcements:
At this point, most of these are irrelevant, but here ya go…
Moose Knuckles Spring Hockey – Pay Rear Engineer if you are on the team. You know who you are.
Hash #161 – The West Philadelphia Bar Crawl – See details from HTS’s e-mail.
Full Moon – April 6th is the next full moon. Details to follow.
Stan’s Bitches Pub Crawl – 7am on St. Patrick’s Day. You can now see the pictures posted on the web.
More stuff happened, but I was either too drunk to write it down, or too drunk to remember it now, or too lazy to make up a good story. 2 Clump busted me on this early in the night, but it didn’t alter my projected evening course.
On, on, YFF
Up Her Ali (with the Rash)
Filed Under Trash |
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I cannot tell a lie. When the women complained about taking it up the ass on a regular basis, I moved to men.