Most of you already know the ending to the story and I won’t waste any more time or space describing this hole in the wall or its rude, ugly staff. So let’s just say I walked into a bar…

 

The evening of the 169^th Sextacular Hash held much promise. Everyone was anxiously awaiting Stan’s return from Mexico. Little Fucking Winkie was going to have to run in a dress — the overwhelming choice in the BFM poll: “What should Winkie’s punishment be for leaving his sneakers last week?”  The trail was going to be part sexshop scavenger hunt, part hash. Our co-hares, Nice Nuggets … Fat Ass, now less one internal organ, and RA Sloppy Ho were mapping out the route, while I tried to spy over their shoulders.

 

Lots of people came tonight… alone…in pairs… in groups…in no particular order: Hold the Sausage, Loosehead, Barry Maniblow, Nice Nuggets…Fat Ass, Bumble Beaver, Nappy Headed Ho, Son of Goatfucker, 2 Clump Chump, Rear Engineer, Scooby Snatch, Lunar Digit, I’m Cumming, Attilla the Hung, Fruit of the Clue, Holy Fuck, The Rash, Just Bill, Dry Hump, Little Fucking Winkie, Jingle Ballzzz, Mayor Quimby, Just Kate, Allturd Boy, Just Kyle, Snuffle Up a Muff, Cause for Blindness, Cousin It, Well Hung Jury, Sloppy Ho, Over Easy, Just Alice, Just Meg, Skin Fiddle, E=My Cock Squared, Strap On, Just Pat, Likes the Hard One, Popeye’s Bitch, Skin Fiddle. I’m sure I forgot someone.

 

Everyone was handed a flavored condom before we went outside for the chalk talk. We soon learned this was our assigned team for the scavenger hunt. I ended up on Team Banana. Other teams included Vanilla, Strawberry, Mint, and Grape. Yum. Cause for Blindness asked the relevant question that I’m sure was on everyone’s mind: Will we need to use the condom on trail? Clue cards were provided for the hunt and the Mob was sent off to the sex shop, Mood, to go scavenging (and personal shopping). 

 

I can’t remember what we were looking for because I got hung up in the video aisle eyeing the cover of “Fat Chicks with Black Dicks.” I headed outside to wait for the team while Mayor Quimby finished purchasing our team items (The Mob had been given money to discourage stealing).  Here I ran into a very “loaded” Skin Fiddle, who just came from happy hour. He was so loaded he could barely pronounce the word “loaded.” 

 

Since Team Banana was the last team out of the shop, we didn’t realize the rest of the Mob was actually off r*nning on trail.  We headed straight to the next sex shop, Condom Kingdom where we purchased a couple more flavored condoms.  We had been searching for dental dams when NNFA found us in the store and accused us of cutting trail.  We like to think we were being efficient.

 

Mayor Quimby tried to buy the dental dams, but found out he was a quarter short … because he’d overspent our stipend on anal plugs. Ok, I don’t know what he spent it on, but we should have had enough money left for the damn dams.  Quimby managed to piss off the cashier by asking if he could return the condom he’d already bought.  That wasnt going to happen so NNFA, being the only one of us with any money, finally had to buck up.   

 

Since we were way off trail now, the hare had to shortcut us down the block to the beer check at Mako Retired Surfer’s Bar.  We win!  I briefly stopped at the TLA to pose and sign autrographs, while my band Holy Fuck was playing inside.    Some guy on the street propositioned Winkie, “Can I suck your dick … please?”   We didn’t see Winkie at the beer check for a long time after that. Skin Fiddle was now telling everyone that he was “sober and completely coherent.”  It was exactly 10 minutes from when he was  “loaded.” 

 

Hashers started arriving at the beer check, all sweaty and hot from the trail, as we were relaxing with our PBR’s.  There was a woman with a really classy tattoo on her shoulder of someone blowing their brains out with a gun.  A guy in a hot pink hard hat who was clearly crazy was at the other end of the bar.  I tried to get Winkie, who also looked clearly crazy in a dress, to pose with him for a photo.  But even Winkie has his standards. As the beer check ended, Team Banana strategized that we would stay at the bar and follow the hare to the next beer check because why not? 

 

Our plans were thwarted when NNFA made us run down the street and out of sight before she, Skin Fiddle and Bumble Beaver walked toward the next check. Little did she know we had ducked around the corner by Rita’s to spy on them since Mayor Quimby claimed he was “good at surveillance.” We saw the direction they headed and tried to intercept them around the block. 

 

We learned an important lesson that night, folks, which is that cheaters don’t always win. We totally lost the hare and somehow got to the beer check just as Cause was walking up. So you can imagine how lost we actually were.  The Mob was finishing up their beer when we got there and headed off to Condom Kingdom. Team Banana had been there and done that, so our next stop was the on-in.

 

Everyone headed to the back alley of Tatooed Mom’s for the cirlce as it started to rain. A public alley that was not owned by any particular establishment, I should mention.  Before the circle started, NNFA went through the clues for each team so everyone could self-check their purchases for accuracy. Like the special Olympics, I guess we were all winners. 

 

Hares: Nice Nuggets…Fat Ass, Sloppy Ho, and Barry Maniblow who helped

 

Visitor: Just Pat from the Lehigh hash. He chose the option and mooned the crowd – not my side of the crowd though.

 

First In: Just Kyle, Nappy Headed Ho … not sure we decided a “last in.” but I will say Cause for the record and probably be right.

 

Autohashers: Skin Fiddle, Tickle My Elmo

And when one GM drinks… Hold the Sausage and Scooby Snatch drank.

 

NNFA violated Mayor Quimby for trying to return a condom a the store

 

Tickle My Elmo violated Barry Maniblow for his r*nning shirt

 

Scooby Snatch violated Just Pat. And then he violated him for his r*nning shirt.

 

Mayor Quimby violated Winkie for wearing new shoes

 

Hold the Sausage violated whoever lost their ID on trail, which turned out to be Just Bill.

 

The Rash violated Just Pat for r*nning into a car.  “I heard a thump and then ‘Oh Shit!’,” she said.

 

Jingle Ballzz violated Cause for Blindness for getting violated and ending her dry spell.

 

Tickle My Elmo violated Jingle Ballzz for TMI!!

 

Tickle My Elmo violated Sloppy Ho for using Well Hung Jury’s nerd name in the circle.

 

Mayor Quimby violated Can You Hear Me Now, who walked up in business casual, for looking “too GQ.”

 

Tickle My Elmo violated Scooby Snatch for something that I cant read in my notes. It looks like “puking”. Or “parking.” That could be it. I’ve seen him park and he’s not that good.

 

ANNOUNCEMENTS:

Cousin IT announced his Phillies Tailgate party. Check your calendars for July 14, July 26, or August 11 …and let him know which one works for you.

 

The revelry of the circle came to a screeching halt when the manager of Tatooed Mom’s, who I will call “KillJoy”, came out the back door and yelled at the Mob for public drinking. He claimed he could lose his liquor license or get fined for us drinking outside. In a public alley.

 

The Mob solemnly finished their beers and went inside the bar only to find out we were now BANNED! Feeling like the badasses we were, we packed up our bags and sashayed out of Mom’s never to return again. 

 

The Mob found a new home at Manny Brown’s just down the street, and settled in for the night. We drank, we sang Journey, we (some of us) did (many, many) shots. And somehow in the mix, our beloved Stan showed up in Allturd Boy’s bag, looking tan and diseased from her trip South of the Border. For the record, Allturd Boy claims she was "planted" there.  

 

I left early to purchase a post-concert Holy Fuck tee-shirt at the TLA. Unfortunately the bouncer wouldn’t let me in without a ticket, even with my great namesake story. Banned everywhere that night, Popeye and I ended up at the South Street diner for the fourth meal.

 

On, on!