It was a magical evening as the Mob gathered at our favorite Bonner’s Irish Pub for our annual BFM Prom (
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prom). I welcome the opportunity to redo my prom every year because I hated the first one. I found out recently that my prom date had been in jail for heroin possession and almost killing someone. In high school he was just a punk with a fast car and a dream. I always knew then he would go far. Ah, memories…
Who attended:
Beagle and Hold the Sausage
Holy Fuck and Europee’n On Me
E=My Cock Squared and Strap On
Popeye’s Bitch and Fiber Opdick … always the cute couple
Just Brian and Just Kurt
Just Diane and New Kid on the Cock
Little Fuckin’ Winkie and Little Red Riding Wood
Cause for Blindness and Jingle Ballzzz
Over Easy and Plastic Pud
Nappy Headed Ho and Just Alice and Just Meg
Virgin Pimp and The Rash
Son of a Goat Fucker and 3 Balls
Soft Core Analyst and Just Kate
Death Wish and Wishboner
2 Clump Chump … 2 dates rolled into one
Mr Snuffleupamuff and Sloppy Ho
Scooby Snatch went stag
Rear Engineer went stag, but ended up taking Scooby home
As Europee’n and I walked to the hash from my apartment (I didn’t drive the 2 blocks today) we noticed that my white dress made me look more like ‘runaway bride’ than a prom date, and she could have easily been my bridesmaid in her complementary black and white dress.
The Mob at Bonner’s looked as stunning as ever in evening wear, posing for photos and groping each other. Europee’n provided Deathwish with an extra dress she had brought. A shimmery stretchy number, which had a mysterious stain right on the crotchetal region, Bill Clinton-style. Apparently the stain “came” with the dress, which made it a very good bargain. Fruit of the Clue also could have used a dress. I’m not exactly sure what his outfit was supposed to be, but he looked like he fell in a dumpster and trash was still clinging to his clothing. 2 Clump Chump, in half tux/half dress, said he was his own date. I guess he wanted to be sure he got laid after the prom.
Little Red Riding Wood, hare extraordinaire, gave the chalk talk informing us that there would also be “a beer check.” And with that, the Mob was off like a cheap prom dress!! Sorry… 2 Clump begged me to work that in somewhere. The Mob running through the streets of Philly is always a curious site for onlookers, but the dresses seemed to elicit greater curiosity and bigger insults than usual:
“Go faggots!! What the hell is going on?” (Yuppie punk in center city)
“They smokin’? They do drugs?” (Young child questioning mother on a stoop).
“I see nipple!” (Some dude in Fairmount about Rear Engineer’s drooping dress).
LRRW laid a nice trail that went through most of center city, and over to Fairmount for a beer check at Skin Fiddle’s. Grolsch … not too shabby. After Skin Fiddle’s beer check, the Mob split into 2 factions – those that hash and those that shortcut back to the bar because they believed the hare. Too bad for the latter, because they missed a 2nd beer check at Fruit of the Clue’s just a few blocks away. The half-Mob settled in Fruit’s garage for some kick-ass 80’s prom music, including “Don’t Stop Believin’” and Madonna, shots of Aftershock (feels so soothing in the stomach after a run), and Lager. I took a picture of a spray painted heart with my initials on Fruit’s garage wall; the reason it is there has still not been adequately addressed for me. Once we thought we tortured the other sorry-ass half -Mob long enough with our absence, we hit the trail again back to Bonners.
First In:
Sloppy Ho and Hold the Sausage… for leading the Mob astray and cutting the 2nd beer check
Last In:
Um… Cause for Blindness
Autohashers:
JingleBallzz and Virgin Pimp. Words just cannot describe JingleBallzzz’s outfit. Or his chest hair. Please see the photos yourself.
Visitors:
Deathwish (told a racist joke), Wishboner (showed her ta-tas)
Hare:
Little Red Riding Wood
Cums Lately:
Beagle, Wishboner, Fruit of the Clue
Accusations:
-Sloppy Ho: The Rash for having a lint brush in the bathroom and picking lint off her dress
-Holy Fuck: All the fuckers who shortcut and missed the second beer check
-Plastic Pud and Wishboner for “new sneakers”
Little Red Riding Wood was then called up to do her birthday side-side, followed by the Prom’s best-dressed contest. If you win, you win a shot.
Best Dressed:
Jingle Ballzzz and 2 Clump Chump
Most Likely to get laid:
Jingle Ballzzz and Popeye’s Bitch. I think 2 Clump should have won this by default because he was a self-contained unit. After the contest, Popeye asked me what he had just won.
Since this was going to be Just Kate’s last evening with the hash while she travels to Australia for a few months (we loaded her up with a pack of Magnum’s for the trip because the men from the bush are supposedly huge), she needed to leave tonight with a name. Just Kate is a Villanova grad, 4th grade school teacher. Her favorite farm animal is Jaguar and she’s into Brazilian Martial Arts. And her dad has smacked her on her ass. There were 2 big contenders: “Fire Down Under” (Kate is apparently a natural red-head) and “Takes it up the ass like Stan” (for no reason other than it rhymes with a BFM favorite that someone will eventually end up with). Sloppy and Sausage decided to go with “Fire Down Under”, much to the relief of Just Kate. The decision led to whining and booing from some disgruntled members of the Mob who liked the other name. This is a gynocracy, people, not a democracy.
Announcements:
-Savoy tickets for June 15 – See JingleBallzzz
-Philly Girl’s Roller Derby – June 16
-Hashtille Day is coming … there will be a web site and tee shirts…
-The Gynocracy’s Excellent Adventure is June 28. There will be a trail and a boat ride. Get your money in beforehand (10 per person) … and bring a friend!
-“Got Stan?” tees have been ordered, so get your money to Europee’n On Me
-2 Clump’s Summer SolstASS is Thursday the 21. There will be beer, shots, and nudity.
-Cause for Blindness is SINGLE.
After the circle was closed, the karaoke could begin! The drunken Mob both entertained and annoyed the Bonner’s patrons with song after song after song. To list a few crowd-pleasers…
“My Ding-A-Ling” – 2 Clump Chump
“Big Balls” – Rear Engineer
“Add it Up” – Little Fuckin Winkie, Mr Snuffalupamuff, and Rear Engineer
“Sexual Healing” – Jingle Ballzzz and Cause for Blindness
“Rapture” – The Rash. No it wasn’t Blondie, it was a dance tune that no one had heard before.
“Everywhere” – Holy Fuck and Europee’n On Me
“Friends in Low Places” – All of the Mob that was left in the bar at that point
“Lola” – Fruit of the Clue
After our last number, Europee’n and I were in need of ’za. We headed to the only middle-eastern pizza place in the city (or anywhere) because it also happens to be the only place open. Tower-Style! We were soon joined by Rear and Scooby for a large heavily garlic-laden white pizza (only because we didn’t specify “red” pizza…in the middle east, white pizza must be more common). I can tell you we all tasted that pizza for days afterwards.
On, on!
Holy Fuck 
