A couple of  things about Callahan’s… The beers on tap are generally flat and have a suspiciously sweet taste. They always have a sign up that says, “Crabs are Back!” on the little chalkboard behind the bar.  Where did they go?  And do we really trust seafood from this place? I’ve seen their kitchen, and I’m only ordering fries. Then there’s the infamous picture on the wall of a dead bald cop that everyone claims looks “just like Lesbian” (In reality, the only similarities here are they both  A. are bald and B. were cops). But the most important thing I can say about Callahans, and the reason I actually like this place, is they pretty much let you do whatever the fuck you want.

 

When I walked into the bar, Lick Hymen told me he already had a really good quote for the trash: “Sloppy Ho said she wants crabs tonight!”   2 Clump Chump quickly reminded me that everyone makes that joke.  So it wasn’t really that original or very funny.  Rumors were swirling that Sloppy wanted to yet again rename Lick Hymen (formerly Barry Maniblow) to “Queerly I’m Straight.”   Now THAT was funny.  Talking to Hold the Sausage about my failed park job with bar patrons watching, she recalled how the whole bar had once cheered her for changing her shirt in the car before the hash.

 

Who Came:

 3 Balls, Lick Hymen, Tight Lips, 2 Clump Chump, Mayor Quimby, Where’s My Vagina, Europee’n On Me, Sloppy Ho, Holy Fuck, Hold the Sausage, Up Her Ali, Mr. Snuffleupamuff (he wanted me to confirm for you all that is the correct spelling of his name), He’s a Lesbian, Scooby Snatch, Popeye’s Bitch, Son of A Goat Fucker,  Cousin IT, Well Hung Jury, Can You Hear Me Now?, Virgin Pimp, Just Kevin.

The hares soon arrived, including Anal Proboner and Jingle Ballzzz, hare helper Soft Core Anal-ist, and APB’s friend, affectionately known as “Dick Head.” Apparently he got punched helping to lay the trail, but I didn’t get the whole story on that.   With all this manpower laying “trail” one would think it would have gone a bit smoother for the pack that evening. 

Sloppy did the chalk talk and the Mob was informed by the hares that there were to be “0 to 4 beer checks.” .. but most likely there would be 4.  We excitedly headed down South Street with instructions from APB to “turn right on 24^th” because apparently the trail crossed itself … a foreshadowing of things to come. 

 

Making the right turn as instructed, the Mob found trail going left a block later on 23^rd, which put us right back on South Street where we just were.  It didn’t make any sense, but no one cared. At this point I noticed Scooby Snatch running behind me, bending down to sniff my butt.  Peculiar?  “You’re right – voted best smelling hasher!” he yelled out to everyone.   2 Clump ran up and explained, “I just told him when I get lost on trail, I smell for you. He then decided to sniff your butt for some reason.” 

 

Despite the hare’s initial instructions to steer us to the On-On, it appeared that the Mob had found its way back to the No-No, hitting the 4^th beer check first.  I was the last person getting to the check since I had to stop and write all this down.   Hearing clapping and “ooooohh”-ing from the Mob inside APB’s living room, I walked in to see them all crowded around the TV set looking at what appeared to be porn.  Much to everyone’s chagrin, it turned out to be a very misleading Levi’s ad.   You didn’t think APB would leave her porn channel on, did you?   Since we were helpless to find the real trail again, APB gave us exact directions to the next beer check.   All we had to do was take the Schuykill path and look for the “little house”.  Got it.

 

So there were like 3 or 4 “little houses” we came across on the path.  The house we wanted happened to be the furthest away. Something resembling an arrow (no need for a silly “BN”) was drawn about 30 yards from the “little house”, which directed the Mob through a gate onto the train tracks. I should mention it was pitch black out a this point, something the hares may not have thought about when they laid trail, and now we were heading into a spooky dark tunnel. The cruel joke waiting for us there was a 6 pack of O’Doul’s.  The Mob did not find the humor in this and decided to get the hell out of there.

 

We soon ran into Jingle Ballzz who was waving at us to stop, yelling “You missed the beer!”  He shooed us back toward the path and spooky tunnel.  Most people were reluctant at first, asking if he would just bring the beer back to us.  But we followed him eventually and he dug real beer out of the black hole, as the Mob impatiently waited.  Apparently the hare-brained scheme was to have rootbeer and O’Douls at 2 of the 4 checks.  Again, not funny.  But this plan had gone awry, much like the trail, and they decided to end it here with real beer. 

 

Once the beer had been broughten, the Mob reconvened on the dark tracks. Lick Hymen spotlighted the beer stash for everyone with his cell phone/GPS/radio/flashlight he generally has strapped to his ass..  Showing their gynocratic class and spirit, Hold the Sausage and Up her Ali decided to shot gun their beers. Others soon followed suit. “I need someone to do it with!” yelled Mr Snuffleupamuff.  Just Kevin, new and eager to please, did it with him.  JingleBallzz offered me his secret stash of Dogfish Head, which he oddly had poured into a ba-ba.  I don’t know why, but I took that nipple in my mouth and sucked out its hoppy goodness. 

 

Because it had been such an effort getting here and getting real beer, the Mob stayed at the check longer than usual.  When a random a capella sing-along of Don’t Stop Believin’ started up, things got wild.  Including more shotgunning of beers and drinking through nipples.   I had an epiphany to create a BFM beer bong for moments such as this.   Lick Hymen’s cell phone/GPS/radio/flashlight/microwave/DVD started playing a tune. “Why is your ass singing?” Lesbian asked him.  With this, 2 Clump Chump, knowing I was taking notes, perfected his retort/trash quote (he seriously said 3 versions, but I only captured the last one):  “The question is…why are you singing back?”   Good one, Clump.

 

Some of the “serious” r*nners decided it was now time to head on bar.  I met up with Virgin Pimp somewhere on the long journey back, who told me a marathon story about a marathon. The story took almost the whole run back, so I’ll bottom line it for you… He told all the nay-sayers he could run it in 4 hours … and he ended up coming in at 3:59:59. Truly a story of courage and triumph.  A man with a dream.  Much like the tale of E=My Cock Squared who had a goal to beat Lance Armstrong and … oh wait, that didn’t happen.  

 

We were joined by CYHMN on our last leg of the trip, at which point we were walking. The conversation naturally turned to aliens and how can we be sure that people CANT actually read our brain waves.  CYHMN argued why not, when there are people out there with 3 vaginas? Good point. Virgin Pimp said that he’d read about people with 2 vaginas in Dan Savage’s column “SAVAGE LOVE”.  According to Pimp, Dan Savage is a flaming homosexual who gives advice on eating pussy.  And he has coined the term “Santorum”: A frothy mix of semen, lube and a little fecal matter that oozes out of the asshole after sex. Funny, Pimp quoted that word for word off the top of his head…it was like Santorum just rolled freely off his tongue, as he spoke.  Frothy.

 

FIRST IN

Cousin IT???  Something’s up.

 

LAST IN

Mayor Quimby and Lick Hymen who fought over this honor

 

HARES

Anal Proboner… who apparently may be renamed (respelled) to “Anal Probe-Oh No!”

 

VISITORS/VIRGINS

Just Kevin – Ran once with Philly Hash this week.  Showed his nipple.  Grrrrrrrr.

Where’s My Vagina? – From San Francisco .. told a joke a about a Teepee and Wigwam (two tents)

 

AUTOHASHER

 

ACCUSATIONS

2 Clump – for introducing himself to the new girl as “2 Pump Chump”

Sloppy Ho – for our RA still having a cheat sheet. 

2 Clump – for his overly competitive “Tri-Athlete” teeshirt

Scooby – for actually being an overly competitive tri-athlete

Anal Pro-Boner – for having her friend “Dick Head” punched in the face laying the trail

Scooby – for not molesting Mayor Quimby’s sister this year at his party

Hares – For planning 2 beer checks with rootbeer and O’Doul’s

 

 Sloppy Ho thenopened the floor for everyone to provide reasons how they know Lick Hymen is Gay. I didn’t hear them all, but there are sooo many.  You know how I know Lick Hymen is gay?

- He went to dinner with Jingle Ballzzz last Tuesday

- At said dinner, the other “couple” were remarking that they thought he was gay

- He has too much ‘product’ in his hair for a hasher

- He actually drank the O’Douls tonight

- He wears a fanny pack on his butt

 

Next, Just Diane was brought to her knees by Sloppy Ho to receive her hash moniker.  Some fun facts about Diane:  She’s a chemical engineer who wants to be a vet.  She owns a horse named Chunk.  She plays the tuba. 

 

After several tries with Luba My Tuba, Rides the Chunk, Likes It Bareback, Butt Plug in her Ear (why???), the Mob brilliantly tied the facts together and came up with  Save a Horse, Ride a Tuba.

 

Now it was time to do what we do best at Callahans… Flippy Cup!!  I don’t know why this is the only bar I’ve ever been in that allows this blatant display of drinking debauchery.  I’ve had chase quarters games shut down at other bars.  Tame in comparison to beer being splashed all over people, tables, and floors with cups flying in the air.

 

There was a table of chicks next to our group who eventually joined our ongoing tourney. Lesbian recognized one of them as the daughter of his old barber.  “Obviously I haven’t seen him in a while,” he said.   Obviously.   After 2 rounds and finally losing because Lick Hymen cannot flip (tho’ he IS a master of kickball and foosball), I decided to retire from the game and head out to Grays Ferry for a McDonalds run with Popeye’s Bitch.  Chicken Selects and fries … supersized. 

 

 

“Whats wrong with butt sex?”  - Virgin Pimp

“It’s TOO big” – Two Clump Chump

“I come … and I go” – Mr Snuffleupamuff

 

 

 

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