BFM #186 - F the Popo
Posted on September 20, 2007
Looking rad in black leggings, neon pink cut-off top, and oversized hair bow, I strutted into the 80’s New Wave Café for what was slated to be the BFM “80’s Hash.” I thought the joke was on me when I encountered the Mob in routine r*nning attire, and I had a sudden wave of panic that I had gotten the date mixed up and brought nothing else to wear. As I glanced around the crowd, I thankfully saw The S&M Man standing there grinning, sporting a sweet Flock of Seagulls ‘do and Members Only Jacket. I’m sure he was relieved too. There were a couple others who braved the crowded streets of South Philly in costume, but we pretty much just looked like fools.
Who Came: Hold the Sausage, Holy Fuck, Europee’n On Me, Sloppy Ho, Just Megan, Anal ProBoner, Popeye’s Bitch, Skin Fiddle, Up Her Ali, The Rash, S&M Man, Little Red Riding Wood, Yack in the Box, Just Mike, Big Tackle, Just Chad, Just Marcel, Cause for Blindness, Nappy Headed Ho, Sloppy Ass Kisser, Can You Hear Me Now?, Just Brian, Virgin Pimp, The Rash, Scooby Snatch, Jingle Ballzzz, Rear Engineer, Cunting Season, Fiber Opdick, Fire Down Under, Soft Core Anal-ist, The Rash.
Sloppy Ho told the Mob at our chalk talk that there would be 1 Beer Check and 2 “Possible Surprises”. Hooray! To give the hare CYHMN some more time, she solicited jokes from the crowd. This may have been the most painful 7 minutes of my life.
-What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho Cheese!
-What’s the difference between a truck full of dead babies and a truck full of bowling balls?
You can’t pick up bowling balls with a pitchfork!
You can’t pick up bowling balls with a pitchfork!
-What’s red, shiny and bangs it head into walls?
A baby with a javelin in its head!
There were many more gems, but I was banging my head against the wall by then and couldn’t hear them.
We headed off in some direction … I’ll call it “East.” There was a lot of check-hanging and general dawdling. At 4th and Bainbridge we encountered a skater pack. Their fearless leader told us “The guy said to say he went this way but he actually went back that way” [points in opposite direction]. Would we believe skater punk? Maybe it’s a Jedi reverse mind game … CYHMN wants us to think we’re being tipped off, but he actually went the first direction. Nah. Waaaaay too complex for him. We’re now back to deciding whether or not we believe skater punk. “I believe him! Let’s go!” Nappy Headed Ho voiced his vote of confidence as he led the Mob in the tip-off direction … which proved to be right on. CYHMN should have known better than to trust a skater to cover his ass.
We r*n through a bunch of dark little alleys that circled us in a holding pattern within the same 3 blocks for a while, until we could finally let it out on South Street. Literally. There was no room for us with the sidewalk crowds, so we ran on South Street, inches from the cars. “On, On!!” yelled the BFM. “Hola!!” was the response from onlookers. We may need to work on our e-n-u-n-c-i-a-t-i-o-n.
We turned on 3rd Street and the trail went dead, which we later found out was because the hare ran out of flour. The Mob kept going straight and ended back at The New Wave before we had reached any beer checks or "surprises". Ooops.
Luckily, some knew the “beer” check was at Europee’n’s and we led the Mob there. Steamy wine coolers awaited thirsty hashers in Euro’s garage. Refrigeration is soooo overrated. We had our choice of delicious Wild Berries, Strawberry, Cherry or Fuzzy Navel, which turned our tongues various shades of red. 3.2% alcohol by volume. Contains sufites. And as we were continuing reading the labels aloud, Just Marcel turned to inform me “If you’re pregnant, you should not drink dis one.” Thank you.
The beverage was warm and sickeningly sweet, much like the 80’s. Most of us had a hard time getting it down, but Virgin Pimp bragged that he had chugged two. Animal. Half the pack then took off for some other rumored “beer check” while the other half of us stood around looking confused. With no directions or flour marks we finally left the check and prayed for the best in finding the next one.
This proved to be easier than we anticipated. We found the pack just around the corner drinking beer by a random car. Why have a beer check so close, you ask? Well, let’s just say this one was unscheduled. Apparently someone had brilliantly put Nappy Headed Ho in charge of the beer stash for circle, giving him direction to “stay here watch this til we get back.” Here is when the plan went awry. Perhaps they should have been more explicit in direction not to give it out to hashers while he was watching it.
Hold the Sausage and Sloppy Ho found the Mob at the car and ushered us across the street to some condo construction site for the circle. Meanwhile, someone was sent off on yet another beer run to replace what we had just consumed.
Once we managed to make it through the broken glass and debris and up the hill to the “spot”, the Mob was treated to jello shots left over from Saturday’s Philly hash. The crowd was less rowdy than usual tonight…perhaps the after-effects of the wine coolers. Everyone decided to sit down on the hill facing forward for some reason, like we were going to be watching an outdoor movie or concert. So, uh you guys wanna circle up? Sloppy Ho asked the unenthusiastic group. They reluctantly stood up and Sloppy made a toast to “wine coolers and jello.”
First In / Last In:
Nappy Headed Ho / Cunting Season
Hares:
CYHMN and Fiber Opdick
The beer arrived and Nappy helpfully passed it out.
Cums Lately:
Just Megan, Little Red Riding Wood, Just Chad
Accusations:
Sloppy Ho presented 2 “write-in” accusations for Hold the Sausage from Jews for having the 80’s party on Rosh Hashana so they couldn’t play.
CYHMN accused Fiber Opdick of catching him but not taking the bag
CYHMN accused Anal ProBoner of being the only one who saw him on South Street. “And I would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for you crazy kid.”
Sloppy Ho accused Nappy Headed Ho of setting up his own beer check. But when ONE Ho drinks, ALL Ho’s drink.
Anal ProBoner accused Sloppy Ho of pretending to drink and sticking her half full bottle in the trash. Sloppy then tried to “prove” her wrong by taking out the bottle to show it to everyone … as beer splashed out everywhere.
Just Brian accused the Hash of not dressing up. Thank you!
The autohashers soon emerged from the darkness and began up the hill … including Cause for Blindness… crutches and all. I could see from her side ponytail that she at least had dressed up.
CYHMN accused Cause for Blindness for saying “I have your pants Nettie” when she arrived in Circle.
Autohashers:
Up Her Ali … “She looks just like Ali Sheedy!” someone yelled.
Naming:
It was now time for yet another Laming. But I like how this one turned out. Just Megan is from Houston and goes to USP to one day become a physician assistant. She likes potatoes and cucumbers. In college she broke a lot of windows. Some suggestions from the Mob:
Position Assistant
Sponge Bath Square Pants
Cooter Tooter
Queen LaQueefa
Cactus… No one could figure out where Marcel’s suggestion came from, but someone guessed that the Albanian could be describing his penis
Takes it Up the Taco Like Stan
One of the initial names was reworked to something I think we can ALL be proud of: Sponge Bath No Pants.
No time to celebrate, we were soon alerted by Fiber Opdick to drop our bottles, as our cozy little soire was about to be spoiled by the Fuzz. The Popo. Flashlights beaming, we were like deer in headlights, but the front line managed to evade their investigative tactics, while the rest of us scrambled to clean up… not so quietly.
“Have you guys been drinking up here?”
“No Sir. We’re a running club. Just hanging out and singing songs.”
“Those aren’t bottles I hear clinking behind you?”
“Nope, we aren’t drinking.”
“You need to get out of here now.”
After our run-in with the heat, we decided to head back to the safety of indoor drinking at New Wave. More autohashers showed up, including a very shaven Jingle Balllzzz in short-shorts, headband and a Quicksilver tee shirt… with a diamond stud earring? I’m guessing a gay 80’s surfer-runner?
Overheard at the hash:
“I like it dark and smelly” – Rear Engineer
“R U?”… “Hang– ing!” – Hashers check-hanging at yet another corner
“He IS so gay.” – CYHMN re: Jingle Ballzzz’s outfit. Particularly his shaved legs.
“I blew my load when I was walkin’” – Fiber Opdick, referring to his loss of “flour”
“We lied to the fuzz” –Yack in the Box
1. “I really, really, reeeaaallly, like pussy!”
2. “I got stroked by a guy [at a Carolina Trash camping hash] … and I didn’t pop wood!”
–Fiber Opdick trying to convince Popeye’s Bitch that he’s really not gay. Dude, you let a guy stroke you – that’s totally gay.
“It’s happening tonight. I’ll keep you drinking and then I’ll make my move. They don’t call him ‘Quicksilver’ for nuthin.” – CYHMN to Jingle Ballzzz
On, on!
Holy Fuck 
Correction:
It was erroneously reported in the BFM 182 Hash Trash that “Santorum” was a “frothy mix of semen, lube and a bit of fecal matter that oozes out of the asshole after sex”. Our source, Virgin Pimp, wanted to set the record straight that there actually is no semen in Santorum because of the advent of condoms. “You need to be careful butt-fucking gay men” according to VP. Of course, there’s another option. “I prefer butt-fucking straight men without a condom,” reports The S&M Man.
We apologize for the error.
Filed Under Trash |
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