Another VERY SERIOUS Disclaimer in the year of the Gynocracy: The on-sec who is writing this trash was exceedingly intoxicated when she wrote her notes for the hash. Since she has no short term or long term memory for that matter, this trash will be a piece of dog doo doo and will completely be just about her and her petty whims – screw you whiny bitches! Save yourself a few minutes of your precious life and page down to Trash #186

(Meat, Can U, and All Turd Boy – I am expecting your commentary on VERY SERIOUS disclaimer #2 – bring it bitches! Game ON ON!) 

As a person who drinks alcohol, there are just a few things that I should know by now. For example, when I say I am going out to the hash and just having one beer, I am clearly deluding myself. It’s an even bigger delusion at Drinkers where the beers are a mere $1. In addition, I should know that when I say I am never drinking that much again on school night, it’s a LIE. (the untruth, not the highway)

I also was bitter I had to get off the couch for the hash. The hash is usually fun, but getting off the couch can be painful. (Just ask my fat ass) So, I got ready and left the dark recesses of 1300 Pine St. On the way, I chatted with Rick about the many woes of a self absorbed bitch. Then, I tried to cope with my annoyance with loud, angry music. I finally settled on Nine Inch Nails. NIN didn’t let me down in undergrad; they weren’t going to let me down tonight. I mean, how about this gem of Trent Reznor:

god money i’ll do anything for you
god money just tell me what you want me to
god money nail me up against the wall
god money don’t want everything he wants it all
no you can’t take it
no you can’t take it
no you can’t take that away from me
no you can’t take it
no you can’t take it
no you can’t take that away from me

head like a hole
black as your soul
i’d rather die than give you control
head like a hole
black as your soul
i’d rather die than give you control

bow down before the one you serve
you’re going to get what you deserve
bow down before the one you serve
you’re going to get what you deserve

god money’s not looking for the cure
god money’s not concerned with the sick amongst the pure
god money let’s go dancing on the backs of the bruised
god money’s not one to choose

you know who you are

Lovely, isn’t it?

I arrived at the bar after a lovely walk. I ran into Fruit of the Clue. He was with a nice girl named Sylvie. I figured this was one of his many friend bitches… but I then realized this was the real deal… She was sweet, French, and a fellow Cornell grad – nice going FOTC! 

As I walked into the bar, many folks had already arrived. Here is the list of participants I could remember from the evening:Virgin Success with Drunk Chicks, Attila I’m Hung, Exceedingly Sloppy Hoes, Don’t Itch The Rash, Cause for (Insert something here, you can, you’re clever), Self Absorbed Bitch Who Changes Hash Names in the Trash, You Can’t Hear Him Now, Not Smart Enough to Get out of Being Married Next Saturday, Stripper Fiddle, The Person Formerly Known as Target, Horse Whacker Rides a Tuba and Saves a Horse, Anal Hunting Season, Full Frontage Engineer, Barely Human, Tighter Hips, Hard Core Anal-banger, I Found My Vagina, Long Prosperous Life Wish, Yeast of Monistat 7, I Try to Yack in Her Box Regularly, Albania Rules and So Does Cactus!, Fire Up Top, Jingo Penises, Scams Jailbait Girls, E=The Laws of Physics are Crap, Yes baby… I’ll Strap It On, Fruit of the Loom, Fruit of the Loom’s Bitch, Holds Beagle’s Sausage, Hey – Nice Racks!, Olive Oil’s S&M Bitch, Big Red Rides Cock, Punch Me Elmo, Left Tackle, I’m the New Guy Right Out of Villanova, Well Purchased Jury, Fat Nuggets…Nice Pythons, and Clearly I’m Straight (at the beer check only…)

 

 

 

Sausage was handing out the straws. Sub Human actually picked the short straw, looked confused, and put it back in the pile. I guess if you the cranky GM from Philly you can get away with this crap. Ah, but Sub is one of my favorite Philly hashers and he can get away with anything if he wants. (You perverts, that was clearly not what I meant)

 

All of the Sundry Relatives of a Goat F*cker pulled the short straw. I checked in to see what was happening and who was haring. SOGF looked dazed and wanted a co-hare. It seems that the beer check was in my gayberhood. So, being the nice bitch I am, I volunteered to co-hare. Rear Engineer drew us a map of the beer check. Lick Hymen was coerced by RE to have the check at his place at Spruce and Camac.

 

All I have to say is SOGF is great. Most guys would have kicked my controlling, dominating ass to the curb when laying trail. He just went with my whim as we set trail to Lick Hymen’s place. I tried to take the pack through the many back alleys of the Society Hill Neighborhood.

 

I really don’t know too much else that happened. I know a bunch of folks short-cutted at Spruce St and headed right for the beer check. This same crew would be trouble later.

 

We arrived at Lick Hymen’s place and the first thing I noticed is that it was across from a gay bar. I also noticed: His deck is in a back alley. His deck is larger than the living space in the apartment. He has a party turtle that you can put ice and beer into. He has labeled recycling containers. He has plenty of beer and PBR.

 

SOGF and I chatted with LH for a while. Soon after, a bunch of the pack arrived. I know I am slow, but not THAT slow. It seems this group knew where the beer check was and went for it. (Skipping the alleys in the trail - bitches) We chugged our PBRs and went on the way back On-In.

 

Back on-in, Sloppy Ho and I started to collect hash cash and stuff happened:

 

The Anheiser Busch sales ladies were buying free beers for people. All we had to do to get this free beer is to pose for a picture. The caption for that picture should say, “We are the BFM and we pimp out for free beer.”

 

Attila the Hung was drinking out of glass cowboy boot.

 

Dudes were watching the Phillies Game

People were bringing the beer down for the circle 

Can u accused me of not trusting him

People were hanging out outside and smoking

Rear Engineer ordered pizza

 

Sloppy Ho was guarding E’s laptop. This got us thinking, what could possibly in this laptop that it needs to be so guarded. Some ideas we had:

-         Codes to nuclear bombs

-         Who Shot JFK

-         Secrets of the pyramids

-         The person Carly Simon wrote the song You’re So Vain about

-         The secret on how he finds trail and mystery beer checks when no one else can 

 

 

 

After waiting an eternity for the last group to come back, we gave up and Sloppy started the circle. I went downstairs to join the fun and I saw the largest collection of hash beer ever! It was beautiful. It brought a tear to my eye! I also realized that we were going to be absolutely wasted in about 15 minutes.

 

Hare: Son of a Goat F*cker, Up Her Ali

 

Virgins: Just Sylvie – FOTC made her cum. It turns out the Just Sylvie is a beer snob; she wouldn’t drink the wonderful beverage that is Miller High Life. It appears she has taste. We will have none of that!

 

Visitors: Deathwish and Yeast of Burden

Deathwish told a bad blonde joke and Yeast of Burden showed her ass (with tan lines)

 

First In – Rear Engineer – He was shamelessly self-promoting on this one. Also, I disagreed with him to a certain extent. Short-cutters or trail losers, Can U, Strap On, and Horse Whacker made it way in before him. However, I, in my alternate reality misunderstood that you had to complete the whole trail to obtain this glorious honor.

 

Last In – All the people who came in from the impromptu beer check – But they weren’t back yet. So Virgin Pimp and someone else had to drink

 

Really F-ing Late – Snausage, Big Tackle, Stacks, Popeye’s Bitch, Little Red Riding Wood, Just Bill – apparently, this crew stopped at Locust Bar for an impromptu beer check – then when one GM drinks – all GMs drink

 

Long Time No See’ers – Attila the Hung, Sub Human, Well Hung Jury and then when one GM drinks – All GMs drink – The all the gynocracy had to drink (It was starting to get ugly)

 

Auto hashers – Cause for Blindness, Skin Fiddle, Attila the Hung, The Rash, Nice Nuggets, Well Hung Jury, Just Sylvie (Beer Snob) and then when one GM drinks – All GMs drink

 

Birthday Side Side – Scams Old Ladies  

 

Rear Engineer was accused of Sexy Underwear. I think he showed it.

 

The people eating pizza were accused of eating in circle. The funniest thing was Stacks in the corner, eating her pizza, watching the madness. There was NO way she was drinking for that.

 

Lots of people drank for being over-achieving ass clows in the Distance Run: Sloppy Ho, Nice Nuggets, Elmo, Rash, Big Tackle, Someone else… and when One GM drinks – All GMs drink – Then all gynocracy (you are sensing a trend aren’t you)

 

Fire Down Under was accused of headgear

 

SOGF was accused of getting married next week – sucker!

 

Yeast of Burden was accused of giving Deathwish her down down beer and then taking another one from the stash

 

Well Hung was accused of looking lovely in her work attire

 

Horse Whacker was accused of wearing real running gear on trail

 

Sloppy was accused of liking Miller High Life

 

There was some kind of girl fight with Horse Whacker and Fire Down Under

 

Philly Marathon Beer Check – Nov 17^th

 

Tonight!! Full Moon at Bonners – 7pm – Be there!

 

Saturday night – Philly 1550^th at Theresa’s in Manayunk – Beer starts at 2pm - There will be prizes and lots of them. You can see Sub Human drunk again!

 

Moose Knuckles – Contact Rear Engineer if you can play hockey. It’s a bunch of fun!

 

Elmo said something inappropriate about rape… Elmo say something inappropriate OR try to pants someone….never!!

Things that are happening next year….

 

Ski Trip – Feb 2008 - $245 dollars. The 1550^th is cheaper

Phillies Tailgate 2008 – Date TBD

 

Nice Nuggets won the best python contest…

 

Cause is still single!

 

 

 

Well – I put my notebook away early. I think this is best. My drunken, gushing self couldn’t write anything anyway. What I remember is the following…

 

The Phillies Won!! Go Phils – F the Mets!

 

I didn’t play crack box. I was too busy bitching with Strap On, SOGF, and Jingle Balzzz (what else is new)

 

I went back downstairs to speak to more people. Then, people went upstairs. (hmm, maybe something I should know?)

 

Many hashers stayed out WAY past their bedtime. I accused some of them behind their back of secret after-hash liaisons.

 

I bought pizza for Jingle Balzzz, Cause, Elmo, and maybe even some random drunk guy at SoHo pizza. I have yet to have that pizza sober. When I am drunk, it’s the best pizza in the universe!

 

I got home safely…

 

I am now writing the trash…hungover as sh*t…

 

 

Someone wrote this in my notebook: Virgin Pimp to SOGF. “This song always gets me in the mood. What’s your phone #?”

 

 

On, on, YFF

 

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2 Comments so far

1. mycocksquared September 21, 2007 5:53 pm

   The best trash ever.

2. Jen September 25, 2007 3:26 pm

   Nice! I didnt know all the lyrics to Head like a Hole