Posted on October 15, 2007
Waaah, your trash is late! Stop whining … Now you can go back and reminisce about the brilliant time you had 2 weeks ago.
Tonight the Mob gathered at our favorite watering hole, Bonner’s, for an evening of birthday fun and karaoke. The ageless Sloppy Ho in a white feather boa and birthday hat, told everyone, “I’m sixteen, bitches.” As hashers gathered, Europee’n on Me passed out traditional cone hats, which people positioned at different angles on their heads. The most favored spot was what I’ll call “The Unicorn.”
Apparently the bartender from the previous Friday’s Full Moon Hash bar brawl was told that the Mob would be “better behaved” tonight. She responded that it would be a big disappointment if we were. As we waited for everyone to get there, He’s A Lesbian was telling Fiber Opdick and me how he’d hashed in Vegas the week before and that they have a "really cool "song to the tune of I Wanna Be Sedated. It goes something like: “20, 20, 20, 4 hours agoooo…I was masturbating.” Fiber felt the need to tell us he "just did that 8 hours ago," though I’m sure it was much more recent.
Who Came:
Cause for Blindness, Cunting Season, Can You Hear Me Now?, E=MyCockSquared, Europee’n On Me, Fiber Opdick, Fire Down Under, Heave Ho, He’s A Lesbian, Holy Fuck, Horse Whacker, Jingle Ballzzz, Lick Hymen, Little Red Riding Wood, Mayor Quimby, Mr Snuffleupamuff, Nice Nuggets Fat Ass, Rear Engineer, Scooby Snatch, Skin Fiddle, Son of a Goatfucker, Soft Core Analyst, Sloppy Ho, Strap On, Snap Off, Tickle My Elmo, Scammin’ Ol’ Ladies, Deep Flute, S&M Man, Tight Lips, 2 Clump Chump, Virgin Pimp, Well Hung Jury, Where’s My Vagina?, Egotestical, Just Brian, Just Allison, Just John, Just Gina, Just Bill, Just Dan, Just Kyle, Just Marcel, Just Victoria.
The Trail:
The trail tonight was hared by our DC visitor, Egotestical, with the help of local, Jingle Ballzzz. There was much confusion right out of the gates and the Mob got stuck running back and forth several times on the same block, somehow thinking it was a new block each time and calling out the same marks. A voice of reason yelled: "Look it’s the same barn door - we are on the same street we just came down!" Someone who had obviously been paying attention to landmarks. I could see that the couple sitting outside at Melograno appreciated the romantic dining atmosphere provided by the hash, as we passed them for like the 4th time.
After breaking free of the vicious cycle, we headed through the dog park and up over the Walnut Street bridge toward XPN. The trail went underneath 30th Street, past the post office loading dock, where I saw a mucho grande cucaracha munching on one of our marks. We ended up on Market Street and were heading towards 30th Street Station. Of course we knew we were going through it. The Mob walked briskly and smiled as we passed the nice officers and German Shepards, then headed out the opposite side of the building. At the crossing from 29th Street onto JFK Blvd, we found a sweet note from our hares: “Be Careful.” Awww.
Perhaps they should have put that note before the part of the trail that took us onto a two-foot wide cement wall bordering the Septa tracks ten feet below. Balancing on a dangerous crumbling wall and trying to stay away from the live wires hanging a few feet above our heads, we were blasted away by the loud horn of the R5 passing next to us, which was scolding us for being there. I looked through the trees to our right and saw that half of the pack running parallel to us on JFK. “I guess they’re the smart ones!” I said. Strap On disagreed: “No, they’re pussies!!!”
The trail took us back down Market Street for a circle jerk around a water fountain at Twenty Twenty One, leaving onlookers looking confused. A very long and scenic trail …no beer checks. :-(
The Circle:
We started the circle with a toast to Magellan from the Philly hash who had lost his battle with cancer this week.
Hares: Egotestical, Jingle Ballzzz … Not enough train tracks!
Virgins: Just Brian, Just Dan
Cums Lately: He’s a Lesbian, Just John, Egotestical (and when one hare drank, Jingle Ballzzz drank), and Lick Hymen.
“HAT! HAT! HAT! HAT!!!!” squawked E=MyCockSquared about head gear in the circle (I forget who).
First In/Last In: Just Allison… and when one sister drank, Sloppy Ho drank. / Cunting Season
“HAT! HAT! HAT!!!” E’s ear-piercing cries were heard again for Sloppy and Allison Ho’s head gear.
Autohashers: Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Just John, Just Brian, Lick Hymen, Horse Whacker, Skin Fiddle, Just Gina, and Well Hung Jury
Violations:
Mayor Quimby for “primping” in the mirror at Bonners
Sloppy Ho for doing a 50K or something silly like that
Sloppy accused Strap On of the same violation
Where’s My Vagina? for her race tee
Heave Ho for getting poison ivy on her ass after spending a weekend in Virginia. She showed us her ass as the crowd oohed and aaahed.
Scooby Snatch for doing his 23rd triathalon. Or was it for doing a triathalon on the 23rd? Damn notes.
Strap On accused “Stan’s parents” of losing her again. A point of clarification: Stan does not get “lost.” She is kidnapped with a purpose. PICTURES, people! That is the purpose. You need to take pictures if you’re gonna ‘nap her. I’m not sure what she was doing the few weeks she was with Tastes Like Chicken. And all I know is she’s been lounging on Tickle My Elmo’s couch for the past 3 weeks. It’s not like we actually worry about her – we just want to see what she’s been up to.
Son of A Goat Fucker for checking each door in the cul-de-sac on trail. Either looking for marks or looking to break in.
Naming:
Now it was time to name our favorite ‘friendly skies’ pilot, Just Kyle. He apparently cant remember when he lost his virginity. His favorite animal is a duck. His “O” face could be described as “stunned.” Some suggestions from the crowd:
-Free to Fuck Around the Country
-Free to Fuck Around the Country again.
-Frequent Fucker Miles
-Inflight Stimulatory
-Fuck If I Know
-Swollen Cockpit!
Some latecomers joined the circle including NNFA with 2 boys she had stolen from her German class and Cause For Falling.
Sloppy Ho did her celebratory birthday side-side.
Announcements:
-The 18th is the BFM “Fall Crawl”… river to river!
- Snap Off and her brother will be performing on Main Street in Manayunk on the 13th… Please bring change to throw in their guitar case.
- Holy Fuck and Europee’n On Me are hosting the Philly Oktoberfest hash on October 13th (F U if you missed it cause there were 4 beer checks and one heck of an apres!).
- Mayor Quimby is selling his leftover beer pong tees … $5 each!
-Tickle My Elmo announced we will be hosting the Philly Marathon beer check again on November 18th.
Karaoke:
The circle was closed and the Mob went off to do what it does best. Sloppy Ho kicked it off with Don’t Stop Believin’. Will we ever tire of this song? I say no. Other hashers that rocked the mike:
NNFA -What’s Going On
Mayor Quimby – Little Pink Houses
S&M Man – Discovery Channel
Just Marcel (our Albanian needed a little help) – Dancing Queen
Scooby Snatch – You Can Call Me
CYHMN – Flagpole Sitta’
NNFA, Sloppy Ho – Total Eclipse of the Heart
Just Dan, Sloppy Ho, Allison Ho– Angels of Harlem, Just Like Heaven
Rear Engineer – Big Balls
He’s A Lesbian, Mayor Quimby – Born to Run
Son Of A Goatfucker – Give It Away. He doesn’t talk but the mofo sure can rap.
Holy Fuck, Sloppy Ho – Get This Party Started. My friend Just Brian had ditched out of Bonner’s by the time we got called, so I want to thank Sloppy for picking up the slack!
The Mob – Time Warp. You really have to sing like a complete freak to carry this one off and half the group didn’t know the song.
On, on!
Holy Fuck
