BFM Hash #197 - Guest Trashing!
Posted on December 3, 2007
Kids, Listen up.
When you get in to the work field, you discover one soon to be realized and hard fast rule: If you do something well, or in my case, manage to NOT look like a complete retard while you are doing it, people expect you to do it again, or more. Kind of says a lot about me doesn’t it?
So, when I schlepped in to autohash at TA Flannerys, it was with a mixture of thanks and dread when I encountered Anal Pro Boner, who complimented me on the trash I had written before. She was sitting alongside of Skin Fiddle and Stacks who actually seemed glad to see me. She must have been drinking or something.
While I was pondering this, the pack came streaming in from the trail. I shall write about that in a sec. amidst them was our multitasking administratively anal-retentive genius, Europeen on Me. I mean who else had the foresight to actually have a list of all the BFMers pre printed out, and check boxes next to each name to see if they actually showed up, and paid. She was busy handing out preprinted applications to the upcoming BFM’s 200th run ($20.00, get them while they last boys and girls!…um er, I think).
Europeen on Me took one look at me and peed on me. No just kidding, but she DID say, in her ever so endearing, take-charge voice.: “Greatjobonthetrashlastweekitwasfunny.YougotStan?Ohandyouredoingthetrashthisweek, nowgiveme20bucksforatshirt!”
Of course I tried to weasel out of it.
No dice, By the way, ADD moment here, Are there any “Got Stan?” shirts left? I will gladly fork over some cash for one, even a used one, provided the internal bodily fluids of the owner are cleaned off. I’m a sick fuck, yes, but I’m not without my standards.
OK, So I was stuck with the trash. Now it would have been different if I had been there for the whole trail and was able to properly document who showed up. These are the people I THINK showed up; pretty much everyone but the hockey hashers, which translates as the entire previous mismanagement, as well as BFMers before I showed up with the exception of Stacks and Skin Fiddle. Is it me? (As I mentally check my armpits). Or was it another Hockey day?
But here’s my guess as to who showed up and ran trail: Stacks, Anal Pro Boner, Fire Down Under, Sloppy Ho, Europeen on Me, Holy Fuck, Mother Bates (there is an interesting question on that one) Allturd boy, Snap It Off, Just Natasha, Sloppy Ass Kisser (BTW ADD Moment: Has anyone ever seen this chick NOT Smiling? Anyone?), Can You Hear Me Now?, Just Mike, Just Josh, and several others who I can’t remember> Sorry folks but when you have no standards as to who writes the trash, this is what you get.
THE TRAIL
The trail was great, we ran all through center city, people applauded, no one got lost, there was awesome shaggy such as riding the elevator to the top floor of Liberty Tower for a beer check, then down Market Street to the adoring cheers of Tourists and Native Philadelphians alike. Then the trail went in through City Hall, where John Street told them all to drink their water, then off to Independenca Hall where the Park Rangers let the pack have a beer check right at the Liberty Bell, and let them pose for pictures. Both Europeen On Me and Holy Fuck not only gave the option, but let their long seated Sapphic feelings for each other brim to the top and they started making out…topless. Then to cap it off, Sloppy Ho was so drunk she ended up getting locked up by the Park Police for continuously pointing at her crotch and yelling “FUCK BUSH, VOTE DEMOCRAT!”
Now all of this was an awesome trail, IF IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED! But Noooooo, I had to make it up since I have no flipping clue what happened on trail.
I can guess, however. Since it was Stacks and Anal Pro Boner haring, I imagine the trail went like this, It went off into University City, or around the Schuylkill, somehow, ended up at a beer check at Stack’s house, or into the ghetto, either one, then back across the River where everyone ran into Anal’s house and drank the beer from her fridge, then back to the bar, but not before noting that Bonners was open for karaoke. Some people got lost, trying to find Anal’s hidden chalk marks (sorry, M’Lady, but I remember running one of your trails backward and missing a beer stop a few mos back). Finally, the pack stumbled back to Flannerys where they met my dumb ass.
CIRCLE
Sloppy called the circle, and filled up HALF a small plastic cup each of beer. Does anyone else remember when it was a full pint we had to swill down on each circle? And this weeks 15 seconds of infamy go to:
HARES: Anal Pro Boner and Stacks (although we had to wait because one of them was peeing, you guess who, I’m a gentleman and won’t say)
VIRGINS: Just George, Hack (?) made him come. Just Joel who made himself come off the internet (don’t we all?)
VISITORS: Cherry Poppins fro the Philly Hash. Since when does that count as a visitor? Besides she can’t be from the Philly Hash, A. She’s under 30, B. Smiles a lot C. and has a full head of hair. The pack tried to take advantage of her naiveté’ and have do the option but she opted for a joke instead. It was a real knee-slapper:
“Why does Snoop Dog need an umbrella?”
“For the Drizzle!”
Drink up, hon.
LONG TIME NO SEEers: Stacks, SternemAndRectum (?), He’s A Lesbian (Since when does missing a week put you in THAT status? Fine, I’ll drink, it’s not like it’s a great amount beer anyway.
AUTOHASHERS: Skin Fiddle, He’s A Lesbian, Lick Hymen, Up Her Alley, Sponge Bob No Pants, Just Archana, Just Jodie,
VIOLATIONS:
Notes are sketchy here, but Mother Bates violated Allturd boy for being an ass Kisser
He’s A Lesbian violated Mother Bates for using Roberts Rules of Order in the circle (He yelled out “Point of order!” when he violated ATB). There were a few more, but I was trying to remember what Mother Bate’s original hash name was since he mysteriously changed it somehow. Didn’t quite know that was possible, but I digress.
Someone else was violated because his wife dropped him off.
ANNOUNCEMENTS
Philly Full Moon H3 The next day, Cause was out laying trail (“So it’s a Live Hare?”-CYHMN).
BFM 200th run: Thurs 12-13-07, TBD, A to B.
Hash Ski trip. Sloppy Ho was very antsy about this since only she and Fiber Opdick were signed up for this. Have fun you two kids!
BONNER KARAOKE
Sloppy then decided that our time would be best spent at Bonners for Karaoke, so we headed over there. Once we all got there, we noticed that there were more hashers at the Karaoke then ran trail, but here’s the songs that were sung, at least until I stopped caring enough to take notes.
Europeen On Me Sang Avril Levine
Sloppy sang Steve Perry’s “Don’t Stop Believing” No please, stop. Enough with that song already.
Lick Hymen sang “I’ll Stop the world”. No folks he’s NOT gay.
During this time other hashers who were too late to even make circle showed up, one of them with an off duty Philly cop, who ran up and sang Yellow Ledbetter by Pearl Jam so well, that he immediately prompted all the female hashers to start ovulating immediately, prompting this remark by someone, “Oh he is SO getting laid tonight.”
Segue to:
OVERHEARD AT THE HASH
“It violate him too if my farts smelled like that”
“It would be so magical”
-Skin Fiddle and someone else
“Listen Junior! PAUSE OK, so I’m a cougar; big fucking deal!”
-Europeen on Me.
“I would rather lick an ashtray”
-Sloppy
At that point the night grew dim. Apparently someone stole Sloppy’s card, and ran a bunch of charges up on it, which pissed her off to no end. In an unrelated story an anonymous donor contributed $2,354.95 each to the campaigns of Rudy Giuliani and John McCain.
On, on,
He’s a Lesbian
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for the record…i never stated i was or am a cougar. a) i’m not old enough (cougars are over 40) and b) i don’t date guys younger than me. i may bat them around like a ball of yarn, in which case, you could say i was a cat, but cougar, nah.
oh and one more thing lesbian:
older women seeking younger men-
a jaguar is 50 and over
a cougar is in their 40s
a puma is under 40
so IF and that’s a big IF, i were chasing younger men (again, 32 and over, please) i’d be a puma…which is cool because pumas are black and sleek…and they look great on my feet.